How to Get Laid by Leeanne Hayes It's worse than Russian roulette. How can you guys even predict scoring? The ones that look like they will, won't. The ones that look like they won't, will. The ones you'd wish you'd never met, offer to blow you when you haven't even asked. The aggressive ones scare the hell out of you by backing you into closets at parties and groping you while the guests look on in amusement. Cocktail waitresses can give you a million ideas on what doesn't work, bartenders can give you a million ideas on what does. What's a man to do? It doesn't appear in Amy Vanderbilt and even if it did, her advice probably wouldn't work either. The athletic club is no counseling center; you might as well go to Planned Parenthood. Christ, fellow jocks who probably haven't had a piece in months, expounding on secret trysts that never occurred. No guy is going to tell you HE ever failed. All you men get is unrealistic hype!-hints that don't make it. Hence, My Personal Guide For How to Get Laid. Tip 1. Know What Makes Them Weak. They all have a soft spot, somewhere, hidden behind that iron feminist demeanor. Women are always on the defensive so you won't reject them first. They feel you will no longer be interested if they act like they like you. Doesn't everyone always want what they can't have? They were taught to play "hard to get" from the time they were tots and cultivated the habit from watching you pursue girls who were indifferent to you. All women have a sentimental streak. But what works for one will not necessarily work for another. Tip 2. Act Nonchalant. This will cause them to think you date regularly and have sampled many different women, which will cause them to try harder to please you. Everyone wants to be respected. No one wants to be exploited. You can always exploit them later. Tip 3. Never Act Desperate. Don't appear at the door with a giant hard-on, get down on your knees claiming you only have one month to live or that you have prostate trouble and if you don't have intercourse, the urologist said your life will be in danger. Women are wise to this. They have heard every imaginable excuse. If you're going to bullshit them, you'd better be extremely creative. Tip 4. Don't Try Anything (at First). An excellent way to work your way into her pants is to go out with her a couple of times and don't try anything at all, even a goodnight kiss on the cheek. Every woman expects to be approached. They are hopeful and eager for it, even if they are going to reject you. Not trying is a sure winner. It drives them crazy. They'll call their girlfriends and their analysts and marvel in utter disbelief, "He didn't even try." How humiliating to have a man like you for your mind in this day of raw sexuality, where Gay Talese and Hugh Hefner are the most admired people of junior high school students. Wornen want to be desirable as well as intellectually stimulating. They want to be coveted like a Playboy centerfold but you lay a hand on them before they're ready and VA VA VOOM!!! They want to be lusted after, even if they hate you. Rejection bothers everyone, no matter what people say. Tip 5. Be Natural. I know it's hard to be natural in California but try. Don't drive up in a rented Bill Blass Continental, complete with a Pierre Cardin shirt and tie, Gucci shoes, Bijan scarf. Be unique but be yourself. Boring is better than bullshit. It seems that nowadays everything has a signature: jeans, purses, even condoms. Don't go overboard on appearance. Don't arrange items on the back seat of your car so you appear interesting, i.e. professional journals, intellectual books, athletic equipment, expensive cologne, etc. Bor looks like you hired a personality decorator. If Woody Allen tried to be George Hamilton, it would never work. Tip 6. Chemistry. A lot can be said about chemistry. You know the feeling. Once in a while chemistry will occur (she could even be ugly, but she sews her own clothes and has a quick wit). It doesn't matter where you take her, what you say, how you dress or dance, you shall overcome. Women know after five minutes if they are going to sleep with you, either that night or in the future. Predicting what a woman will do or how she will react is like trying to predict the weather, but it doesn't hurt to be ready, just in case (you know, clean sheets, maybe a bottle of champagne). Sometimes, during the course of an evening, they change their minds. I have known so many women who said, "I'd never sleep with him in a million years!" But as the evening wears on, they begin to weaken. Your charm and attractiveness come through and they decide to have sex with you after all. These sudden decisions can occur at any time (during the first course of a meal, at intermission, riding in the car). Tip 7. The Kamikaze Approach. Don't come on like a vocal, financial and intellectual hurricane. You know what I mean: In the first five minutes you boast how you became a millionaire, traveled the world, own houses in every country, got bored with jets, are sick of yachts, country clubs, polo, hotels and Club Med. A woman can tell if a man has money; it shows even if he never speaks. Don't ask them before the first cocktail if they'd like to go to San Francisco for the weekend. Firstly, if they say yes, you have nothing to work for. How impressionable she must be; this girl is definitely looking for a Sugar Daddy or a fast whirlwind weekend. You don't want freeloaders. Secondly, if she says yes in the first five minutes, how is she to know you're not Richard Speck? Too impulsive. Sex and lust should occur because of overwhelming tenderness, that crazy feeling that possesses you, not because, "I bought you dinner so you owe it to me" or "Well, we're both here, what the hell." Tip 8. Sport Fucking. If you are like a little boy in a candy store and must sample everyone, do so with decorum and hygiene. But sooner or later, this will become an exhausting, abominable way of life. You won't be able to remember what story you told to whom, or who you took to certain restaurants. You'll say things like, "We sure had an elegant meal at Ma Maison" to your Tuesday night companion. She will know perfectly well it was some other cupcake who was the recipient of that wonderful meal. This will really piss her off if you've been taking her to Denny's. The thing that offends me about sport fucking is that it's like having a second cup of coffee, as routine and commonplace as brushing your teeth. Sex should be special, always. If you need sex that much, jack off (you don't want the title of one-minute-wonder, anyway), or buy yourself an inflatable doll to practice with, or hire a prostitute. There is nothing wrong with zipless fucks, but I assume guys want "semi-meaningful" relationships, as well as sexually satisfying ones. Don't be the sexual Bruce Jenner on your block. Sooner or later you will get tired of the juggling, scheduling scene. Tip 9. (Don't Be) "The Professor of Desire & a Budding Dr. Masters." Even if you are a George Hamilton, don't verbalize about how you were interviewed for the Kinsey report because of your talent, how you study human sexuality, edited such books as The Joy of Sex, The Sensuous Man, and quarterlies like Human Sexuality. Don't admit you were asked to pose for Playgirl. It never hurts to keep a low profile. Good lovers need not boast. And big talkers don't necessarily make good lovers. All that hype can damage your psyche. Tip 10. Never Call Them Cunts. Speak about all past, present and future women with great admiration, affection, concern, and fondness, but not at great length. They will figure you have a wonderful relationship with your mother (even if you don't, lie) and love women in general. This means respect: Respect means action. Tip 11. Sympathy. Another way to get them really cranked up is that old line "I was hurt so deeply, I'll never fall in love again." Immediately they want to rehabilitate you, cook your dinner, clean up your house, work in your garden, spoil you. "I'll show him it can be different" they're thinking, wanting to smother your pain away with their breasts, stroking your face, deviously working on a new campaign to abolish your hurt. Tip 12. Macho Is Out! Don't brag about how you can't wait for hunting season to begin and that you race dragsters on the weekends. Personally, I find men who are sensitive to animals (especially cats) appealing. (I have three of them.) Goldfish don't make it. Birds maybe. Tip 13. Cheapness. Randy Newman can sing about "Short People" but nothing is more offensive to women than cheap men. God help the guy who brings a sack lunch and takes his date to the drive-in. Never mention the high cost of living before you give your order to the waiter. Never admit to not making your child support or alimony payments. Bra-burning feminists could become violent, visualizing your children praying for subsidized school lunches. Tip 14. "Fools Rush In." You remember that old song. Don't push. Be patient. Women are used to being "expected" to put out. They are on the defensive. One false move and they'll duke you. Be coy and they'll probably rape you. Then you'd better have the goods to deliver. Most women I know prefer genuine, even unattractive men to handsome bimbos. A relationship is like a tennis game!-you want to play with someone who hits better than you do, or at least as well. Likewise, most women want a man who is as smart as or smarter than they are. No one wants to go around with an uninformed, social klutz. You wouldn't. On the other hand, some women I know prefer weak men so they can push them around and dominate them. Tip 15. "Your Castle" shouldn't be overdone. It shouldn't look like Sexual Revolution Headquarters. No monogrammed wine bottles, beepers. Don't have the answering service call you repeatedly to make you appear popular. No penicillin bottles in plain sight. Your shampoo should not be Kwell. Tip 16. Your Profession. Don't play the part; don't come over with a stethoscope draped around your neck or a slide rule in your hip pocket. Never take her to your office so she can see you've "made it." This process produces the reverse; by showing them, you are trying to reassure yourself. Besides, it's so pompous. Tip 17. Welfare Fucks. These are the girls you owe it to but can't seem to get it up for and dread having to do so.... We all have people to whom we owe fucking. People that have been overly generous, helpful and kind because they genuinely wanted to help you. People who went out of their way to assist you when the chips were down and asked nothing in return. (See, asking nothing in return makes you want to reward them out of guilt.) But beware . . . you don't screw your friends; this can't help but change the comfortable relationship you share now. And inevitably, the reason for this close, fond friendship is the absence of sex. Always wondering makes it more fun. Never do anything unless it feels right. Tip 18. Those Angry Libbers. Feminists can be so trying. Everything you say can and will be used against you. Everything you say is wrong, sexist. Don't tell them they look nice or they'll accuse you of using them for sex symbols. Be ambivalent. Tell them you think Bella Abzug is beautiful, you make less money than they do for the same job, and you love to make coffee in the morning and deliver it to co-workers. Tip 19. Too Close for Comfort. You know who they are, the people you've known for some time and have always been attracted to; business associates, people you've been curious about. A note of caution! Be careful. What happens if something serious develops? This could be difficult to explain to your steady. Perhaps the Too Close for Comforts are the unions that should take place, but think twice. If you hate each other someday, you might really be sorry you fulfilled your lustful desire. In closing: What can I say? Some of us will do anything after an elegant meal and a bottle of wine. The more we drink, the mellower we get. The more money a man spends, the more we extend our affections. Remember, excitement comes in many forms. We're nervous too. We would put out to all of you except there is a rumor going around that nice girls don't and if she does, she won't be respected. But who wants to be respected? You can't get an orgasm from respect. We want to fuck as much as you do, but it's up to you to convince each of us that you're a great lover and worth fucking.