This is a snapshot of a collection of song parodies I took at Stanford in late 1984 or early '85, with the songs all (or at least mostly) dealing with the hacker culture at Stanford and the Low Overhead Timesharing System (LOTS), a DEC-2060 (later two of them) that was where undergrads did their (our) classwork. The file is actually a mail file whose first entry is from November, 1979, and you can see the evolution of the mail headers as well. - Evan Kirshenbaum -- These are the LOTS Songs. Their serious collection first began around December of 1979, although a couple, most notably "The Man Who Never Returned" and "I Don't Know LOTS" were around for quite a while before that. Both of those songs were written by Karl B. Young, who would come around LOTS of an evening, guitar in hand, and provide the users with a brief respite from their efforts. After a while, Karl began threatening to graduate, and it became apparent that if something were not done soon, these gems would disappear like the last of the Mohicans. I asked him to put the words on the system. At the same time, I broadcast a general plea for any and all other known LOTS Songs to be brought forward for immortalization. While no other old ones turned up, people began submitting new ones in droves. After a while, there were even enough to have a small "concert", and so the LOTS Concerts were born. Every quarter (that I can afford it), near the end, when the load gets up to 40 and the queue to 240, and the users begin to bring in sleeping bags and No-Doz, the hackers host a free (donations GLADLY accepted) drink and munchies songfest, first at CERAS, then at Terman. New and old songs are sung, and a good time is had by all. If you are interested in writing a song, just work out the lyrics, in as good a rhyme and meter as you can manage, and send them to me, E.Ernest. Shortly thereafter, it will appear here. Bureaucratic note: All the LOTS Songs are the personal property of the authors and appear here with their consent. Brief quotes for review or illustrative purposes are permissible; however, any complete transcription must be arranged with the author in advance. In cases where the songs are quoted, common courtesy suggests that the quotations be properly credited. Enjoy! Ernest W. Adams Self-Appointed LOTS Archivist --------------- 21-Nov-79 21:37:06-PST,662;000000000001 Date: 21 Nov 1979 2137-PST From: E.Ernest Subject: Early Morning Queue Early Morning Queue lyrics by Ernest Adams sung to the tune of "Early Morning Rain" by Gordon Lightfoot In the early morning queue With a listing in my hand With a worry in my heart Waitin' here in CERAS-land. I'm a long way from sleep How I miss a good meal so In the early mornin' queue With no place to go. There on terminal number 9 Pascal run all set to go But I'm waitin' in the queue With this code that ever grows. Now the lobby chairs are soft But that can't make the queue move fast Hey there it goes my friend I've moved up one at last. ------- 21-Nov-79 21:38:30-PST,1297;000000000001 Date: 21 Nov 1979 2138-PST From: E.Ernest Subject: The User The User lyrics by Ernest Adams sung to the tune of "The Boxer" by Paul Simon I am just a user, though my story's seldom told I am squandering allocation to talk to a Consultant back in 105 This program's due, still the compiler reads what it wants to read And barfs upon the rest... When I left my dorm and the world outside I was just a new user In the company of wheels In the class of CS 106, runnin' scared Laying low, seeking out the weirder manuals where only wizards go Picking up on things that only wizards know. Asking only fifteen hours, I come looking for a bit But I get no offers Just a wink and some advice about a fake account. I had to steal, sometimes I needed time so badly That I went and bribed a wheel, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie... Now I'm laying out my program code and wishing I was gone, going home Where my errors and my Emacs aren't beeping me Beeping me, going home. Beep-da-feep, etc. At a terminal sits a hacker, and a wheel by his prompt And his screen shows the reminders Of every bug that broke his code or HALTFed Till he cried out, in his anger and his shame "I am leaving, logout, killjob" but the hacker still remains... Beep-da-feep... ------- 21-Nov-79 21:39:16-PST,719;000000000001 Date: 21 Nov 1979 2139-PST From: E.Ernest Subject: This Haz Ain't Your Haz This Haz Ain't Your Haz lyrics by Ernest Adams sung to the tune of "This Land is Your Land" by Woody Guthrie This Haz ain't your Haz This Haz is my Haz From the Klingon warfleet To the Ad-ven-ture maze From the caves of wumpus To the halls of BASIC This Haz was re-served just for me. As I was walking Through the CERAS lobby I saw about me The hackers happy I d'cided then I'd Take 106 too And I'd learn to program just like you. This Haz ain't your Haz This Haz is my Haz From the Emacs buffers To the Debug rat race And now I'm queasy Pascal ain't easy And in another hour this program's due. ------- 21-Nov-79 23:19:57-PST,1212;000000000001 Date: 21 Nov 1979 2319-PST From: E.Ernest Subject: J.Q. Johnson cc: J.JQJOHNSON J.Q. Johnson lyrics by Ernest Adams sung to the tune of "Mrs. Robinson" by Paul Simon And here's to you, J.Q. Johnson JSYS loves you more than you will know Oh-oh-oh. God bless you please, J.Q. Johnson CERAS has a Haz for those who hack Ack-ack-ack. Ack-ack-ack. We'd like to have a bit to access other users' files. We'd like to know where the on-line info is. Look around you, all you see are dumb monitor hacks. Stroll around the EXEC until you find a bug Chorus: Put sources in a directory where no one ever goes. Keep them on the scratch disk with the games. Why the secret about your first two given names? Most of all you've got to hide them from the wheels Chorus: Sitting at a terminal on a Sunday afternoon Listening to the hardware freaks debate Drop the JOBDIR table or keep the spy programs Every way you look at this you lose. Where have you gone, Ralphie Gorin? The mem'ry turns its busted core to you Oo-oo-oo. What's that you say, J.Q. Johnson? Rumblin' Ralph has left and gone away? Hey-hey-hey. Hey-hey-hey. This one still wants help in spots... ------- 22-Nov-79 02:27:37-PST,907;000000000011 Date: 22 Nov 1979 0227-PST From: B.BERLIN Subject: Shall I, Wasting in Despair Shall I Wasting in Despair lyrics by Richard Berlin Shall I, wasting in despair Die because the queue is there? Terman has a hundred-four-- Maybe I should go to SCORE? CS10x is due And the IE programs, too... If they aren't done today There will sure be hell to pay. Shall I from the queue delete Or relax and take a seat? When my name the term'nal blips Cries of joy will from my lips Rise to fill the CERAS hall To the jealousy of all If my program works this time Wouldn't that be just sublime? Shall I run DEBUG or just Get a listing and entrust The consultant with my file? Maybe if he hacks awhile He can get the thing to run-- Aren't PASCAL programs FUN??? Either we can get them right Or remain at LOTS all night! --RIB 11-Nov-79 ------- 22-Nov-79 03:10:11-PST,1119;000000000001 Date: 22 Nov 1979 0310-PST From: M.MRC Subject: Hack-Less sung to the tune of "Heartless" by HEART lyrics by Mark Crispin The wizard told me come back again next week "I think that you need me" All I could do was sigh - I wanted to die "When can you see me? Cause there's a bug out there Seems like it's everywhere You know it just ain't FAIR!" Hack-less, Hack-less The system will never never let me hit CTRL Hack-less, Hack-less Crocks in the name of being featureful! Hack-less, Hack-less They think it's so damn cool to be drool - They'll never realize the way LOTS dies When the queue is always full! Late night up in the CERAS room Where the LPT's are churning Try to log on but my alloc's gone For my EMACS I'm yearning. They say they understand But I can't read their PLAN Or do a ^E command! Hack-less, Hack-less The system will never never let me hit CTRL Hack-less, Hack-less Crocks in the name of being featureful! Hack-less, Hack-less They think it's so damn cool to be drool - They'll never realize the way LOTS dies When the queue is always full! ------- 22-Nov-79 03:19:41-PST,838;000000000001 Date: 22 Nov 1979 0319-PST From: M.MRC Subject: I'll Never Hack at LOTS Again To: E.Ernest I'll Never Hack at LOTS Again lyrics by Mark Crispin sung to the tune of "I'll Never Fall in Love Again" by Burt Bacharach What do you get when you cause a crash You only get frozen, and your files deleted; And I feel, that I've been cheated - I'll never hack at LOTS again What do you get when you need a page You only get EXPUNGE but no SX: directory Or get told to climb a tree I'll never hack at LOTS again Don't tell me what it's all about 'Cause I've hacked there and I'm glad I'm out Out of the queue, out of CERAS I'm going back to my good old TRS! What do you do when your assignment's due? You find a fake account or two to borrow So for at least, until tomorrow I'll never hack at LOTS again ------- 22-Nov-79 21:51:01-PST,854;000000000001 Date: 22 Nov 1979 2151-PST From: T.TOPAZ Subject: Computer sung to the tune of "Cecilia" by Paul Simon lyrics by Haruka Takano (22-Nov-79) CHORUS: Computer You're blowing my mind You're shaking my confidence daily Oh, Computer I'm down on my knees I'm begging you please, don't go down Don't go down! Waiting in line to have some time On the terminal in carrel #5. It was my turn and I sat down On the screen flashed a message, the system was dead. (CHORUS) Typing my program in at LOTS For five hours I've worked and it's written at last. I typed an 'e' to save my file "%DECSYSTEM-20 NOT RUNNING" was all that it said. (CHORUS) Coming to work at 9AM If my program will run, I can pass this damn course. No one is here. What can be wrong? LOTS is down for PM and won't be up until 12. (CHORUS) ------- 26-Nov-79 00:49:57-PST,2614;000000000001 Date: 26 Nov 1979 0049-PST From: M.McLure Subject: HACKADU HACKADU In Hackadu did Hackers Few An awesome program-hack command: Where 20, the sacred system, grew Through monitors nobody knew Down during the great demand. Always twice two months to newer release With TTY's and EMACS to bring the peace: And here was software smothered by edit-line effects, Where many a bureaucrat sauntered across the land, And where MSG/TELNET/FTP were ancient as TENEX, Constricting winning spots into the bland. But oh! those abiding Hackers Few were cunning And lept the heights of unimaginable lossage! A savage place; as daemonical and sinning as e'er which plastered a screen with "%DECSYSTEM-20 Not Winning" B'fore users exchausted from the barfage! And from this chaos, with irresistable force, As if this thing were itself the Source, A mighty idea came glistening to Hackers Fewest Amid whose logic the sinning 20 burst Huge fragments of scheduler flung forth like rebounding netmail, Or chaffy words beneath the BLT's flail: And 'mid this stupendous destruction at once and forever It flung up the 20 to permanently sever. Pages and pages of listings the burning grew Through structures and directories in the Coup, Then reached the sources known to few, And slaughtered in tumult the offending mass: And 'mid this tumult Hackers Few heard from afar Ancestral systems declaring war! The shadows of the program-hack Floated strongly on the net; Where was heard the anguished cry of the Sack From which they inferred they'd win, they bet. A true war of Hackers Few against Timesharing, With the ancestors of the 20 battling forth with infinite daring! A 10 with a mighty cpu In this battle the Hackers Few espied: It was a DEC original that knew, That once the Hackers Few irresistibly grew, It would forever be banned to limbo. Could it wreak havoc upon the Few? With its powerful CPU? To such a deep satisfaction the answer is no, That with a slice of their sword through its board, The Hackers Few did clobber its bagbiting cord, To realize the Source, the Idea, the Solution! And all the users who saw this mighty battle raging, And shrieked, Tsk! Tsk! While the 10s' and 20s' flashed screens, their crashing disks! The Few weaved a carnage about this awful outpouring, And closed the 10s' and 20s' eyes, For the Hackers Few had earlier fed upon the lies And now had drunk the milk of Personal Computing. Stuart McLure Cracraft (with apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge) ------- 5-Dec-79 21:13:29-PST,642;000000000001 Date: 5 Dec 1979 2113-PST From: K.Kanef Subject: Keypunchers punch it on cards sung to the tune of "Stonecutters cut it on stone" from CAROUSEL lyrics by Bob Kanefsky My mother used to say to me, "When you grow up, my son, I hope you're as dumb as your father was 'Cause a hacker ain't no fun!" Keypunchers punch it on cards; Archivers dump it on tape: There's nothing so bad for a system as The hackers it drives ape. 'Tain't so! 'Tis too! 'Tain't so! 'Tis too! The disk drive turns your life away. There's no relief in sight. Debugging assignments for classes all day And aimless hacking all night. ------- 11-Dec-79 00:30:56-PST,862;000000000001 Date: 11 Dec 1979 0030-PST From: K.Kanef Subject: ttmsg to Operator Sung to the tune of "Operator" by Jim Croce Lyrics by Bob Kanefsky Operator, Oh, would you help me send this mail? See, that zero on his mail box is its protection. Holed up in 105 With my best friend S.Strive And they even REF SYSed on my objection. Isn't that the way the system works? But let's forget all that And change the protection if you can find it So I can mail just to tell 'em I'm fine And to show I've overcome a blow that would have hurt you all; I only wish my words could just convince myself That it just wasn't real. But it sure wasn't virtual. Operator, Let's forget about this mail. See, I don't want to send to someone I can't TALK to. You're so good to listen. You've really helped my will to stiffen. And you can keep the jfn. ------- 11-Dec-79 00:36:19-PST,650;000000000001 Date: 11 Dec 1979 0036-PST From: K.Kanef Subject: Allocation in a bottle Sung to the tune of "Time in a Bottle" by Jim Croce Lyrics by Bob Kanefsky If I could save time in a bottle, The first thing that I'd like to seek Is to save every hour, like a beautiful flower And use them all up in a week. Chorus: But there never seems to be enough time To do the things you gotta do once you want to. I've worked on this enough to see my allocation's gonna be A problem. If I could stay logged in forever, If words could ^E and SET, I'd save for a year 'til vacation was here And then do it all through the Net. Chorus ------- 11-Dec-79 00:42:32-PST,518;000000000001 Date: 11 Dec 1979 0042-PST From: K.Kanef Subject: The twelfth day of Christmas Sung to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" Lyrics by Bob Kanefsky On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Twelve PUSHJs stacking Eleven strings unpacking Ten hackers hacking Nine crunchers crunching Eight users using Seven cretins losing Six queues a-growing F i v e a s c i z s t r i n g s Four subroutines Three long sends Two heavy sighs And a terminal made by HP ------- 11-Dec-79 23:06:10-PST,349;000000000001 Date: 11 Dec 1979 2306-PST From: K.Kanef Subject: Nowhere man Sung to the tune of "Nowhere Man" by the Beatles Lyrics by Bob Kanefsky He's a real nowhere man Sitting in his nowhere land Making all his nowhere plans For nobody. Doesn't have a point of view; Knows not where he's going to Hasn't he a bit like you and me? ------- 11-Dec-79 23:06:39-PST,402;000000000001 Date: 11 Dec 1979 2306-PST From: K.Kanef Subject: Hot Child in the CTY Sung to the tune of "Hot Child in the City" by Nick Gilder Lyrics by Bob Kanefsky No one know who she is, or what her name is. I don't know where she came from, or what her game is. Hot child in the CTY. Hot child in the CTY. Looking wild and running PTYs. Hot child in the CTY. (She's kinda dangerous.) ------- 13-Dec-79 12:39:00-PST,773;000000000001 Date: 13 Dec 1979 1239-PST From: D.DChen Subject: J. Random User By b.berlin and d.dchen (no, we don't have real names). To be sung to 'Eleanor Rigby', by the Beatles. j. random user. Running a program that tells him 'retry with more core'-- EDIT some more. j. random user. Munging his files, the user beguiles JQ. What's he to do. All the lonely hackers. Why do they all recurse? (Sing the song 'Eleanor.rigby' here) All the lonely lackers. Why don't we skip this verse? l. random luser. Making a .EXE file out of .P A S Ain't it a mess. c. random cruncher. Writing an eighty page program called PROG1.FOR Ain't it a sore. All the lonely hackers. Why do they all log in? All the lonely lackers. Where do they all belong? ------- 18-Feb-80 22:12:20-PST,2726;000000000001 Date: 18 Feb 1980 2212-PST From: K.KarlB Subject: The Man Who Never Returned The Man Who Never Returned (the ralphie song) lyrics by Karl B. Young sung to the tune of "Charlie and the MTA" by ? Gonna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Ralphie, He was workin' down at LOTS one day. Everything was going smoothly when the screen reached up and grabbed him, He's been missing ever since that day. And will he ever return? He may never return. And his fate will be unlearned. He'll reside forever in the LOTS computer, As the man who never returned. Well Queenie gave a scream and that was all that J.Q. needed, As towards the screen he lunged. He dashed off a system message saying Ralph had been deleted, And no one was to expunge. Or else he'll never return. No, he'll never return. And his fate will be unlearned. He'll reside forever in the LOTS computer, As the man who never returned. The load jumped up to 42 as soon as Ralph had entered, They were fearing it would crash. It was hard to think of poor old Ralph as just another core dump, So they acted in a flash. Yes, they called a meeting of the wheels and hackers and consultants, And their knowledge they did merge. They decided that they each would go on down and try to find him Through a binary tree search. And will that help him return? He may never return. And his fate will be unlearned (Poor old Ralphie). He'll reside forever in the LOTS computer, As the man who never returned. Well, I went to look through all the caves and caverns of Adventure, North and South and Up and Down and on the sides. Then I heard a sound and turned and saw--THE DWARF WAS REALLY RALPHIE! He was out to get my hide!! So I threw the axe, he caught it deftly; chortled with a "Har, har", As he chased me up the dome. As one last chance, I threw the food--he ate and then was friendly, I said "Plugh" and we were home. And did he ever return? Yes, he safely returned With the treasure that he earned (good old Ralphie). He is saved forever from the LOTS computer. We are glad that he returned. Now, ye citizens of Stanford, we hope you have learned your lessons, When these games you wish to play. But for a single digit, Ralphie could have been a Klingon And then phasered right away. So we ask you please to watch the load and, if the disk is full, To delete all your old slush. And if you insist to play all day, we ask you to remember That even you can be flushed. And then you'll never return, no, you'll never return No matter how you yearn. (Just like Ralphie) You'll be banned forever from the LOTS computer Like the man who never returned. ------- 18-Feb-80 22:12:37-PST,1026;000000000001 Date: 18 Feb 1980 2212-PST From: K.KarlB Subject: I Don't Know LOTS I Really Don't Know LOTS lyrics by Karl B. Young sung to the tune of "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell Rows and rows of empty screens, And not a user to be seen. My program works, my code is clean I've looked at LOTS that way. But now its all a different song. My input's right; my output's wrong. I had a file, but now it's gone-- Deleted right away. I've looked at LOTS from both sides now, Logged in and out, And still somehow, It's LOTS Adventure I recall. I really don't know LOTS at all. Hazeltines were everywhere, Consultants answered with a flair. The printer worked without repair. I've looked at LOTS that way. But now the queue is acting strange-- It used to work, somehow it changed. My time is gone, the load has gained And killed my job away. I've looked at LOTS from both sides now, From up and down And still somehow, It's LOTS Adventure I recall. I really don't know LOTS at all. ------- 13-Jun-79 22:42:52-PDT,787;000000000001 Date: 13 Jun 1979 2242-PDT From: T.Topaz Subject: LOTS Is Painless To: k.karlb LOTS is Painless Lyrics by Haruka Takano Sung to the tune of "Suicide is Painless" by ? It's early morning and I hear Keyboards clatter everywhere Why are all these people here Looking grim and near despair Chorus: And suicide is painless It brings on many changes And you can take or leave it If you please With finals just around the bend I have to turn this program in I need more time, oh help me friend The queue grow longer with no end Chorus A TA once requested me Debug my program carefully But what was wrong I could not see It just gave some strange PC Chorus Any suggestions for more verses or modifications of these? Haruka ------- 14-Mar-80 13:42:43-PST,1685;000000000001 Date: 14 Mar 1980 1342-PST From: B.BERLIN Subject: Goodbye, Terminal Queue Goodbye, Terminal Queue Lyrics by Richard Berlin (To be sung, naturally enough, to Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, by Elton John!) When is it gonna go down? When is it going to crash? I should have stayed in my dorm I can do without all this trash! You know I've been here forever Waiting in the stupid queue I've only waited seven hours And I'm number sixty-two Oo,oo,oo Ah-- Woh,oh,oh Oh. Watchin' the CERAS ceiling It looks like it's getting light I haven't even got a terminal And I've been waiting here all night It's getting so I can't take it We're all a bunch of nervous wrecks-- Guyana was a cocktail party Compared to C S 1 O X Oo, oo, oo, Ah-- Woh,oh,oh So goodbye, terminal queue I'm tired of waiting for you I can't stand living in CERAS Im getting out of this ZOO! Back to my own little bed To soothe my poor,aching head I've finally decided my futute lies Beyond the CERAS queue. I think I must be going crazy I just can't believe my eyes Type 'execute', and it says 'DON'T PLAY PASCAL WHEN THE LOAD IS HIGH' Control-t says the load is fifty And all I want to do Is forget the day that I ran OPEN And never see another queue In my life-- Ah-- Woh,oh,oh So goodbye, terminal queue I'm tired of waiting for you I can't stand living in CERAS Im getting out of this ZOO! Back to my own little bed To soothe my poor,aching head I've finally decided my future lies Beyond the CERAS queue. --Richard Berlin (With the customary apologies to Elton John.) ------- 25-Mar-80 22:02:01-PST,1776;000000000001 Date: 25 Mar 1980 2201-PST From: K.KARLB Subject: Computer Man To: e.ernest Computer Man Lyrics by Karl B. Young Sung to the tune of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel It's 11 o'clock on a Thursday. The regular crowd shuffles in. There's a freshman sitting next to me Trying to type his program in. He says 'Sir, won't you give me some memory? I'm not really sure how much more. But I had me some code and now, due to the load, I can't seem to get it in core.' La, la la, la la, la la la la, La la, la la la, la, la.... CHORUS: Give us some HELP, you're the computer man. Give us some HELP tonight. 'Cause we're all in that queue, and this program is due, And we have just run out of time. Now, Kirk at the desk is a friend of mine. He gives me my time for free. Yeah, he's quick on the keys, even quicker to freeze, But there's someplace that he'd rather be. And the coed is practicing politics As her smile at the TA is sweet. And she's playing a game they call gettin' ahead But it's better than an incomplete. La, la la, la la, la la la la, La la, la la la, la, la.... CHORUS: It's a pretty good crowd for a Thursday, And the load's correspondingly high. I type fast as she goes, and still not a thing shows, As I wait an hour for a reply. And the lineprinter sounds like a Model T. And the magnetic tape's acting queer. They come in 105, and they hand me their jive, And say, 'Man, what are you doing here?' La, la la, la la, la la la la, La la, la la la, la, la.... CHORUS Suggested extra verse (Kanef) It's a pretty good crowd for a Thursday And the manager gives me a frown 'Cause he knows that it's me they've been coming to see And they're weighing the poor system down. ------- 6-Apr-80 16:08:57-PST,1106;000000000001 Date: 6 Apr 1980 1608-PST From: Rick Stone Subject: Today... To be sung to the tune of "Today (while the blossoms still cling to the vine)" lyrics by Rick Stone At LOTS the Dec-20 is fighting with mobs, My program sits swapping with 82 jobs, A million assignments are given each day Using this 'puter, and guess, in the end, who pays! I'm not a hacker with shriek for an "at" sign, I'm just a geneticist tied up in knots. Multiplication to me means division, So why the hell am I at LOTS? At LOTS the Dec-20 is fighting with mobs, My program sits swapping with 82 jobs, A million assignments on Friday are due Using this 'puter, so guess, who is given the screw! I've MAILED to J.Q., and begged time from Queenie, I've asked Ralph these questions that HELP could not parse. Why is it, when half the campus is in queue, This school doesn't notice the farce? At LOTS the Dec-20 is fighting with mobs, My program sits swapping with 82 jobs, TWENEX won't crash next, but merely explode. For "105"'s not a C.S.D. class it's - THE LOAD! ------- 18-Apr-80 14:24:10-PST,1542;000000000001 Date: 18 Apr 1980 1424-PST From: K.Kanef Subject: Fifty Ways to Write Your Program Fifty Ways to Write Your Program lyrics by Bob Kanefsky sung to the tune of "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" by Paul Simon "The problem is all inside your head," she said to me. "The program is easy if it's done recursively. I'd like to help you in your struggle for a 'B'; There must be fifty ways to write your program. Fifty ways to write your program." Chorus: (You just) read the damn screen, Gene. Type control-T, Lee. Run it again, Ken. Then watch it and see. Wait in the queue, Lou. Edit the file, Kyle. No need to delete, Pete: Just listen to me. Push down the stack, Jack. Don't you dare come back! Go see a TA, Ray. And just let me be. She said, "It's really not my job to interfere Even though I see your algorithm won't work in a year. But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being clear: There must be fifty ways to write your program. Fifty ways to write your program." Chorus She said, "It grieves me so that you're still off the track. There must be something I can do to get you off my back." I said, "I appreciate that, and would you please explain about the fifty ways?" She said "Why don't you just come back tommorrow night, When I believe there's a consultant who's both good-natured and bright." With that she logged out, and I realized she probably was right: There must be fifty ways to write your program. Fifty ways to write your program. Chorus ------- 25-May-80 12:45:27-PDT,916;000000000001 Date: 25 May 1980 1245-PDT From: Rick Stone Subject: I Sit Waiting For Response To be sung to the tune "If I Only Had A Brain" from The Wizard of Oz. I waste hours, sometimes da-ays, Sitting; staring at my Ha-az, As I wonder what it wants. And my hair, I am tearing, For I find it very wearing, To be waiting for response. The consultants merely gri-in, And just say that I won't wi-in, (I asked for help, not taunts!) From to [...Execution] The earth spins a revolution. As I'm waiting for response. Oh I, Can tell you why, This twenty is so slow. But so what! For you see here - cowering low. Two hundred students, they ALL will know! I once thought (when I was bolder), I'd get graphs with colored folder, Reports in several fonts. When it takes a week to spo-ol, I then ask you, "Who's the fo-ol Who is waiting for response?" ------- 28-Oct-80 23:00:26-PST,2545;000000000001 Date: 28 Oct 1980 2300-PST From: E.Ernest at CERAS (Ernest W. Adams) Subject: The Loser of the System Sung to the tune of "The Coward of the County", by Kenny Rogers. Lyrics by Ernest Adams. Everyone considered him the loser of the system. He never wrote a word of code that proved the system wrong. His mama named him Tommy, but the TA's called him Lossage. Somethin' always told me his code was much too long. Tommy was a new user when JQ flushed his roommate He was helping Tommy when he was taking 106. I still recall the final words his roommate MAILed to Tommy "Kid, I've just been clobbered; I guess you'll hit the sticks." CHORUS: "Promise me, kid Not to do the things I did. Walk away from CERAS when you can. Now you don't have to cheat; It can wait another week, And roomie, I sure hope you understand: You don't have to hack to write programs." There's one CUSP for everyone, and Tommy's CUSP was EMACS In its fork he didn't have to hack to write his code. One night while he was working the system went unstable. The crashes munged his files (And there were three of them). When Tommy did a D I R and saw his programs munched up The lost work, the broken code was more than he could stand. He reached into his wallet, ripped up his roommate's picture As the shreds fell on the CERAS floor he heard these words again: CHORUS "Promise me, kid Not to do the things I did. Walk away from CERAS when you can. Now you don't have to cheat; It can wait another week, And roomie, I sure hope you understand: You don't have to hack to write programs." The TA folks just stared at him as he walked up towards their table. One of them got up and went and hid inside the john. When Tommy went in back they said, "Thank gosh, he's askin' JQ." (But you should have seen their eyes bug when Tommy sat and logged a job in.) Nine long weeks of losin' were bottled up inside him. He wasn't holdin' nothing back, he DEBUGged all night long. When Tommy left the lobby not a program was unfinished He said, "Thank gosh for EMACS" as he walked into the dawn. (And I heard him say) CHORUS "I promised you, kid Not to do the things you did. I've walked away from CERAS when I could. But I didn't want to cheat; It couldn't wait another week, And roomie, I sure hope you understand: Sometimes you got to hack to write programs." Everyone considered him the loser of the system... ------- 13-Oct-80 03:37:51-PDT,1763;000000000011 Date: 13 Oct 1980 0337-PDT From: K.Kanef at CERAS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: I Wonder What the System is Doing Tonight I Wonder What the System Is Doing Tonight (sung to the tune of I Wonder What the King Is Doing Tonight from CAMELOT) I know what our users are thinking today As over their listings they putter: ;these line spoken Everyone smiling in secret dismay As they stare at their ttys and mutter. Whenever the queue grows this short, You can almost hear everyone snort: "I wonder what the system is doing tonight. Which one of us it's so bent on screwing tonight. The lights on the front end, they never burned as bright. I wonder what the system is down for tonight. How goes the intercession When the load is in recession And many of the users are far-flung?" Well I'll tell you what the system is doing tonight: it's hung! It's hung? You mean LOTS survived last Monday morning Perfectly well, then without warning Brings itself down in the middle of the night? Right! A night when the site's so still and quiet Even the hackers aren't by it LOTS gets itself into an awful mess? Yes! You mean that appalling clammering That sounds like a blacksmith hammering Is frustrated users banging on their keys? Please! You wonder what the system is hashing tonight? It's running around in circles, thrashing, tonight! What occuppies its time, which no one's here to use? It's searching high and low for files to lose! And oh, the chance for greediness The uninterrupted speediness It must offer to the users who remain! Well I'll tell you what the system is offering tonight: It's hung! It's thrashing! It's looping! It's crashing! And that's what the system's doing tonight. ------- 26-Oct-80 14:44:15-PST,1190;000000000001 Date: 26 Oct 1980 1444-PST From: K.Kanef at CERAS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: "Wait for a Hazeltine" Parody-of: "America" by Simon and Garfunkel "Let us be hackers; we'll merge all our programs together. I've got some good ones right here on my tape." So we walked up to the pig machines And bought synthetic pies And queued in to wait for a Hazeltine. "Kathy", I said as we searched through my program with EMACS, "IBM seems like a dream to me now. It took me four days to punch up that subroutine! I've come to wait for a Hazeltine." Laughing at the queue, making fun of the users. She said the grad student with the long name was a spy. I said "Be careful: his terminal's really an A-bomb." "Let's go log in again; you've still got some allocation." "We used the last of it hours ago." So I told her my username. She put it in the queue. And the moon shone down through the roof on us. "Kathy, it's broke", I said, though I knew she was sleeping. "It's looping and losing and I don't know why." Counting the users at Ceras and Terman; they've All come to wait for a Hazeltine. All come to wait for a Hazeltine. All come to wait for a Hazeltine. ------- 24-Oct-80 20:48:25-PDT,936;000000000001 Date: 24 Oct 1980 2048-PDT From: Haruka Takano Subject: Don't You Know What I Know? Don't You Know What I Know? lyrics by Haruka Takano written 24-Oct-80 Walking into Ceras in the night Don't you see what I see? People lining up to get in line Don't you see what I see? A queue, a queue Growing in the night With a tail that's nowhere in sight With a tail that's nowhere in sight! Wondering why I get no response Don't you hear what I hear? I ask the consultant what is wrong Don't you hear what I hear? A beep, a flash The system has just crashed And my file has just been smashed And my file has just been smashed! Sitting for an hour and a half Don't you know what I know? Waiting for my listing to come out Don't you know what I know? A rip, a tear The printer has just jammed And my listing has just been trashed And my listing has just been trashed! ------- 28-Oct-80 10:54:50-PST,1389;000000000001 Date: 28 Oct 1980 1054-PST From: T.TSI at CERAS Subject: The Question The Question--regrets to the Moody Blues lyrics by Jay Chesavage Why do we never get an answer When we're waiting in the queue? There's a thousand million questions about Pascal, and EMACS, too. 'Cause when we stop and look around us, There's not a TA to debate In the Class of 10X Where programs can't be late. (ah..ah....) Why do we never get an answer? To the 'Print' command this week? Because the printer blew its hammers and was donated by HP. Why does the system crash on Tuesday? And the folks at DEC insist That AMPEX memory's the problem 'Preventative Maintanence', the fix. (ah...ah...) (rit.) It's not the way That the system types 'No Such File' to you It's more the way That the days pass Inside the CERAS cube. And when you stop And think about it You won't believe it's true consultants are paid good money to hurl abuse at you. I'm looking for a manual on DEBUG I'm looking for my girlfriend, to hug And if you could see What this has done to me You'll see why it's so clear I won't use LOTS next year. Between the Whining of the Printer and the crashing cpu There lies a file that's been Deleted Oh, Shit! That program's due. (Repeat to beginning, a tempo) ------- 28-Oct-80 18:54:08-PST,920;000000000001 Date: 28 Oct 1980 1854-PST From: R.REFAS Subject: [Untitled] Sung to the tune of "On the Street Where You Live" from "My Fair Lady". Lyrics by Steven Shafer. I have often crossed the campus to LOTS Even Friday nights although it rots Why then am I Now about to cry Because LOTS has gone down again Are there tty's free at Terman now Or would CERAS be better, somehow Does the paper pour From L-P-T once more Or is the printer not printing again Oh, the towering ceiling At CERAS/LOTS, where the TA's are out The over powering feeling I haven't a clue, what my assignment's about Users stop and stare, they don't bother me For there's no where else but LOTS, that I would rather be It's so nice to say LOTS is here to stay Even though it's gone down once again ...well, it's close anyway. Good luck with the contest steven shafer (r.refas) ------- 1-Nov-80 14:03:03-PST,1686;000000000001 Date: 1 Nov 1980 1403-PST From: K.KARLB (Karl B. Young) Subject: The Hacker The Hacker (to the tune of 'The Gambler', by Kenny Rogers) (lyrics by Karl B. Young) On a cold, winter's night in a building they call CERAS I met up with a hacker; we were tired and fighting sleep. He took his turn a-starin' at my screen there in the darkness. Then boredom overtook him and...he began to speak. He said, "Son, I've made a life out of user consultation-- Knowin' what your program does by the way you hold your eyes-- And if you don't mind my sayin', you are out of allocation. For a taste of your soda I will give you some advice." So I handed him my Pepsi and he washed down my last swallow. Then he killed my job and put me in the queuing line. Then the line printer got quiet and his face lost all expression: "If you're going to play the game, boy, you've gotta learn to use your time" CHORUS: "You gotta know when to code, know when to log out, Know when to single-step, know when you're through. You don't write your program when you're sitting at the terminal. There'll be time enough for writing...when you're in the queue." "Every hacker knows that the secret to survivin' Is knowin' when the time is free and what's the load and queue. Cause everyone's a cruncher and everyone's a user And the best that you can hope for is a crash when you're through." Then he walked back towards his terminal as I stumbled to the lobby, Went over to the couches and drifted off to sleep. And somewhere in the darkness, the hacker he done logged out. But in his final words I found some time that I could keep. CHORUS ------- 1-Nov-80 14:02:22-PST,8054;000000000001 Date: 1 Nov 1980 1402-PST From: K.KARLB (Karl B. Young) Subject: The Hacker (hacked version) A Consideration Of The Ancient Manuscript It has come into our possession (how this came about is well beyond the scope of this treatise, but is exhaustively treated in Young's humorous yet informative essay 'Rumblings In The Garbage Heap') a manuscript of doubtless authenticity. After decoding from the original classical language ASCII, we present it here in its almost original form with the following notes: The Hacker[1] (to the tune of[2] 'The Gambler', by Kenny Rogers[3]) On a cold,[4] winter's night[5] in a building they call CERAS[6] I[7] met up with a hacker; we were tired and fighting sleep[8][9]. He took his turn a-starin'[10] at my screen there in the darkness[11]. Then boredom overtook him[12] and...he began to speak. He said, "Son, I've made a life out of user consultation[13]-- Knowin' what your program does by the way you hold your eyes[14]-- And if you don't mind my sayin'[15], you are out of allocation[16]. For a taste of your soda[17] I will give you some advice[18]." So I handed him my Pepsi[19] and he washed down my last swallow[20]. Then he killed my job and put me in the queuing line[21]. Then the line printer got quiet[22] and his face lost all expression: "If you're going to play the game[23], boy, you've gotta learn to use your time" CHORUS[24]: "You gotta know when to code, know when to log out, Know when to single-step[25], know when you're through. You don't write your program when you're sitting at the terminal. There'll be time enough for writing...when you're in the queue[26]." [27]"Every hacker knows that the secret to survivin' Is knowin' when the time is free[28] and what's the load and queue. Cause everyone's a cruncher and everyone's a user[29] And the best that you can hope for is a crash when you're through[30]." Then he walked back towards his terminal as I stumbled to the lobby[31], Went over to the couches and drifted off to sleep[32]. And somewhere in the darkness, the hacker he done logged out. But in his final words I found some time that I could keep. CHORUS[33] Notes: [1] Hacker (Haak' - ur) from the English, 'to hack' (Olde Englishe -- HACKE). One who hacks, esp. one who consistently makes small and unimportant changes to a program so as to be clever. [2] It is doubtful that the person or persons who wrote this song had any concept as to what a tune is. [3] It appears that the author of this piece never had a last name and was forever burdened by his parents with two first names. [4] Note here that the scribe did not know English very well. This comma ain't necessary. [5] At the location where the ballad takes place, it is always cold and since one usually has no concept of the outside world, it might as well be winter as any other season. [6] Center for Educational Research At Stanford, also known as SCRDT, also known as 'a concrete and glass structure in the center of Stanford campus'. [7] The first person is used here, the name of the second person having been changed to protect his innocence. [8] Sleep research is prevalent at Stanford, although I am unaware of any fighting that is caused by this. Certainly conscription of young men to fight is discouraged. [9] There is a second theory about this phrase, the contention being that the author and the hacker were brothers (or at least relatives) by the name of Sleep--Tired and Fighting Sleep to be precise--which however throws some suspicion on the sanity of their parents. [10] It is apparent by this that the author of the ballad was in no small trouble, if people had to take turns to come over and stare at his terminal. [11] The lighting at CERAS has never been known for its brilliance. In fact, it has deteriorated drastically from its original intensity so that each carrel must now depend on the glow from the screens for any illumination. [12] B.Boredom is a frequent user of LOTS and is so repulsive that users have been known to strike up a conversation with anyone else to avoid having to talk to this creature. This is precisely what occurs here. [13] This may or may not be an exaggeration. Many consultants do seem to have been here for an awfully long time. It is a rare case, though, that these oft-seen personages are actually devoted to consulting. [14] This is not an exaggeration. [15] A rare show of concern for the user. Usually, hackers don't care if a person minds or not. This was obviously an unusual (or at least a mental) case. [16] Allocation, n., from the English, to allocate. The amount of time given to a user with which he may communicate to the computer. This time is not, however, absolute and it is indeed the case that a person may be communicating while 'over allocation'. Although allocation has been around for years, the definition of it has recently come under attack, and whole new school of thought has sprung up based on the premise that allocation, like astrology, should depend on the time of year. [17] From the English, "Soda Pop". Also known as "pop" or just "drink". It appears to be a regional peculiarity as to which one you prefer. [18] This phrase indicates that the hacker was NOT a wheel, being able only to give advice in a verbal fashion, and not by being enabled. [19] This is a common drink (soda, pop, etc) among hackers, esp. late at night when the body's withdrawal from caffeine tends to place it in a state of hibernation. [20] Perhaps the most vulgar part of the entire ballad. It has been well established that the last part of any drink (soda, pop, etc) is mostly backwash, anyway. [21] This is very redundant and repetitive, too. Unless, of course, a line was being formed to use the queuing terminal, which is not uncommon. [22] Probably was jammed or broken again. [23] It is not likely that the author was playing a game (specifically adventure) at the time, but it is possible that the hacker could only relate to him on those terms.. [24] It is most unusual that a chorus should be wandering through CERAS just at this moment. Infrequent visits by the LSJUMB and the Mendicants have been noted, however. [25] This may have confused the poor user, unless the hacker was refering to the practice of manually 'walking' through the program. The new Pascal 20 debugger does have a single-stepper. [26] This line and the one before it contain the two most powerful thoughts of the entire ballad. They are restatements of a well- known maxim that should be recognizable by the reader. [27] At this point in the ballad, the manuscript indicates a gentle modulation up one key. [28] There may be no such thing as a free lunch, but apparently there are (highly contested) periods when time is free. This explains why the hacker put the user back into the queue even though he had no allocation left. [29] Ain't it the truth. [30] It appears that if the system crashes just before a user logs out, that user retains the benefit of his work, and is not penalized for the time he uses. Not very dependable. [31] It is easy to stumble in the CERAS lobby. There are many pieces of misplaced furniture and they are all chained down. [32] As odd as this may seem, it happens all the time. It may even give us an inkling as to who the user was. Note: Due to his falling asleep, he probably missed his terminal assignment, which is also common. [33] In the original, it is indicated that the chorus here is to be repeated, the second time with a background counterpoint, thusly: You gotta know when to code (when to code), know when to log out (when to log out), etc.... ------- 5-Nov-80 09:59:25-PST,1523;000000000001 Date: 5 Nov 1980 0959-PST From: Haruka Takano Subject: Even Stranger Even Stranger... (sung to the tune of 'Stranger' by Billy Joel) lyrics by Haruka Takano written: 08-Oct-80 revised: 20-Oct-80 re-revised: 05-Nov-80 Verse I: Well, we all make mistakes When we're working on our programs We can point them out and show ourselves How trivial they are, Some are subtle, some are strange, Some are typed, and some are mental, They can always be avoided But we make them just the same. Verse II: Well, we all sometimes hack And we disregard the danger When our changes seem so simple And we think, "What can go wrong?" Why were you so surprised That you never saw the errors? Did you ever let your ego See the errors in yourself? Chorus: Don't be afraid to try again; Everything goes sour Every now and then. "It should have worked right from the start." You should know by now How rarely that occurs. Verse III: Well, I used to believe I was such a great programmer When I came upon an error That I did not recognize. When I looked through all the sources I could never find the error It was then I felt the program Kick me right between the eyes. (Repeat Verse II) (Chorus) Verse IV We will never understand How these errors are inspired Though they may not all be fatal And are sometimes simply bugs. If we take and document them They are transformed into features And you'd never realize That they were errors all along. ------- 12-Nov-80 12:53:21-PST,912;000000000001 Date: 12 Nov 1980 1253-PST From: Rick Stone Subject: I have been a Hacker [To the tune of "Love's Been Good to Me"] CHORUS: I have been a Hacker, Coding night and day, Through a hundred crashes, Hoping there's a "way." Still I'll type CONTINUE. I say this, with a shrug, For once in awhile along the "way," I get to crush a bug. There was this bug, in EMACS, Within a subroutine. Type control-V two times, The screen would blank out clean, And half your file was transfered to NUL: (Oh boy! Was that a pain!) I switched a mask and pointer's bit, Now no one has complained! CHORUS There was a time, a user, Walked into 105. He couldn't "print no output! What is this stupid jive!" But I explained that all was well here, (He only muttered "Ugh!") For, you see, in PASCAL that's A feature, not a bug. CHORUS ------- 17-Feb-81 20:36:49-PST,903;000000000001 Date: 17 Feb 1981 2036-PST From: K.Kanef at LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: I Don't Know How To Login Parody-of: I Don't Know How To Love Him (from JESUS CHRIST, SUPERSTAR) I don't know how to login. I don't know this new system. It's been changed. It's really changed. In these past few days, with this new release, It seems like something else. I can't debug my program. I don't see why it loses. It's some code. It's just some code. And I've written so much code before, In many languages. It's just some more! Should I write it down? Should I print it out? Should I blow it off And just throw it out? And all these error messages! What's it all about? Yet, if my code compiled, I'd be lost, I'd be frightened. It wouldn't run. It's far from done. I'd use DEBUG And hack away And always want to know When can I go? Why's LOTS so slow? Why's LOTS so slow? ------- 17-Feb-81 20:43:37-PST,1335;000000000001 Date: 17 Feb 1981 2043-PST From: K.Kanef at LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: She's Always a Hacker Parody-of: She's Always a Woman (by Billy Joel) She can kill all your files; She can freeze with a frown. And a wave of her hands brings the whole system down. And she works on her code until ten after three. She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. She'll use MDDT-- She can foo, bar, and baz it. You can't give her a bit 'cause she already has it. But you'll take what she writes you as long as it's free. Yeah, she works like a slave but she's always a hacker to me. define chorus < Oh, she takes care of herself. She can wait, if she wants, At the head of the queue. Oh, and she never logs out, But she never logs in 'Til it's well after two. > chorus And she'll write for the system a jsys that hashes. Then she'll carelessly break it and laugh when it crashes. But her code runs as fast and as slow as can be. Blame it all on the load, 'cause she's always a hacker to me. [hum] chorus She's frequently wheeled, then it's suddenly cleared. But she can do as she pleases, as you've always feared. And she won't go away 'til she's earned her degree. And the most she will do is STI keystrokes at you But she's always a hacker to me. [hum] ------- 17-Mar-81 23:24:05-PST,1195;000000000001 Date: 17 Mar 1981 2324-PST From: K.Kanef at LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Parody-of: I Am A Woman In Love (Barbara Streisand) Subject: I Am A Wizard In Love LOTS is a moment in space; When the spy fork's gone, it's a lonelier place. We kissed the program goodbye, But down inside, you know we never knew why. The load can reach a new height When ends don't meet, and the Provost is tight. I'm glad the staff never knew I renamed it "FOO" Just to look out for you. define Chorus < I am a wizard in love And I'd run anything To tell me when you're around And when you login. It's a right I defend--over and over again. So I run FOO. > Chorus With you eternally mine-- At night, when there's no measure of time-- I wrote the code way back when Just so that now, I can meet you again. I don't know when you'll appear, But I will know as soon as you're here. No fork is ever a waste! I've renamed it "FOO" Just to look out for you. Chorus I am a wizard in love, And I'm watching for you! You know it's almost unreal What a wizard can do. It's a right I defend--over and over again. Chorus ------- 18-Apr-81 20:12:31-PST,5848;000000000001 Date: 18 Apr 1981 2012-PST From: K.Kanef at LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: Gorin's Dream Parody-of: Tevye's Dream (from FIDDLER ON THE ROOF) Lieberman: Hello? Gorin: This is Ralph Gorin. I'm being haunted! It's Mrs. Stanford! She was standing there a minute ago! Lieberman: What? You must have been dreaming. Tell me what you dreamed and I'll tell you what it meant. Gorin: It was a celebration of some kind. Everyone there was a flushed user I thought had been laid to rest long ago. Suddenly, out of the closet stepped one of the grandfathers of computer science -- Alan Turing. Lieberman: Turing? How did he look? Gorin: Well, for a man who's been dead for thirty years, not bad. Anyway, he walked up to me and said {Turing: A blessing on your head Gorin: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Turing: To see your system wed Gorin: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Turing: To such a fine machine, Beyond my wildest dream: A second 2060.} Lieberman: 2060?! {Turing: A clever thing to do -- Gorin: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Turing: With hundreds in the queue Gorin: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Turing: And such a heavy load I thought LOTS might explode -- To buy a 2060.} Lieberman: He must have heard wrong. He meant the 2040 you borrowed. Gorin: I'll tell him. {Gorin: You must have heard wrong, Grandpa; There's no '60. You mean the '40, Grandpa, On a loan from GSB. Turing: No!! I mean the '60, Gorin. My great brainchild -- those little automata named for me, On fast hardware they must be! Turing: They're such a handsome pair! Flushed users: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Turing: I wish I could be there! Flushed users: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Turing: A pair of hardware twins! The idea really wins: A second 2060.} Lieberman: But you announced it already. And you're NOT getting any 2060. Gorin: I'll tell him. {Gorin: But we announced it, Grandpa, To our users. We can't get funding, Grandpa, From the Provost, Lieberman. Turing: Oh!! So you announced it, Gorin? That's you're headache! And as for Lieberman I say to you: Gorin, that's you're headache too! Turing: My heart will swell with pride Flushed users: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Turing: When they run side by side! Flushed users: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Turing: I'll like them better yet If they're tied in a net! A pair of 2060s. Flushed users: A blessing on your land Mazel tov, mazel tov! To see your site expand! Mazel tov, mazel tov! Your hefty load and queue Will soon be cut in two By your new 2060! By your new 2060! By your new 2060! Foo! Foo! Look! Who is this? Who is this? Who comes here? Who? What woman is this, her bony finger shaking? 4.4: Could it be? E.Electrolabs: Sure! W.Wald: Yes, it could! L.Lulu: Why not? Guest: Who could be mistaken? Flushed users: It's the founder's wife, come from beyond the grave! It's the founder's dear, darling departed wife! Mrs. Stanford! Mrs. Stanford! Mrs. Stanford, Mrs. Stanford, Mrs. Stanford!!!! Mrs. Stanford: Gorin! What is this about your system frustrating my students? Flushed users: Yes, her students! Mrs. Stanford: Dare you thus besmirch the name of Leland Stanford? Flushed users: Leland Stanford! Mrs. Stanford: Have you no consideration for our reputation? Flushed users: Reputation! Mrs. Stanford: Letting money interfere with education! Flushed users: Education! Mrs. Stanford: How can you allow it? How? How can you let my students waste their time? Wait in the queue? Bang on the keys? Get no response? Lord, how? Flushed users: How can you let her students get no response? Foo! Foo! Foo! Mrs. Stanford: Such a learned man as Gorin wouldn't let it happen! Flushed users: Let it happen! Mrs. Stanford: Tell me that it isn't true and then I wouldn't worry. Flushed users: Wouldn't worry! Mrs. Stanford: Say you ordered more for LOTS than just a 2040! Flushed users: 2040! Mrs. Stanford: Let me tell you what would follow such a fatal wedding: If LESS is all that's done for LOTS, I pity them both! This scheme will work three weeks, And when three weeks are up, I'll come to it by night, I'll take it by the front end, And THIS I'll give you low overhead! THAT I'll give you low overhead! That's my will if it tries to get by with LESS! Flushed users: Gasp!} Lieberman: It's an evil spirit! Let it return to the mausoleum! Let it sink into the steam tunnels! Such a dark and horrible dream! And to think -- it was brought on by underfunding! A blessing on my head! Mazel tov, mazel tov! As Grandpa Turing said, Mazel tov, mazel tov! We'll buy a new machine Beyond his wildest dream: A second 2060. Gorin: "We haven't got the dough", Lieberman: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Gorin: You told me months ago, Lieberman: Mazel tov, mazel tov! Gorin: But since you're so appalled, We'll buy a -- what's it called? Lieberman: A second 2060. Gorin, Lieberman: A second 2060! A second 2060! A second 2060! ------- 28-May-81 21:45:46-PDT,773;000000000001 Date: 1 Nov 1980 1405-PST From: K.KARLB (Karl B. Young) Subject: My Roommate Lives Over... To: e.ernest Title: My Roommate Lives Over... Lyrics by Karl B. Young Sung to the tune of 'My Cup Runneth Over' I live in a double like others I've known. Yet I have no trouble in being alone. I don't have companions like others have got-- My roommate lives over at LOTS. I see him at CERAS and sometimes at meals. My friends think it's great but don't know how it feels To see his desk empty and mouldy in spots-- My roommate lives over at LOTS. (Musical interlude) I wouldn't complain but, as you have all heard, No one comes to visit the friend of a nerd. So please don't forget me, and leave to rot-- My roommate lives over at LOTS ------- 30-May-81 13:37:37-PDT,1782;000000000001 Date: 30 May 1981 1337-PDT From: Rick Stone Subject: The LOTS DECsystem-20 (Tune of "The City of New Orleans" by Arlo Guthrie) LOGIN on the LOTS DECsystem-20. Version 4 Monitor, monday morning queue. 40 jobs and 60 restless users, 2 consultants, and 95 homeworks due. As I start my EMACS fork I see The load has just topped 23, And promises to keep on climbing high. The keyboard clicks, but on the screen The last 6 lines are yet unseen. Oh, it's so slow I bang the Heath and cry: CHORUS: Good Morning, to LOTS are you still with me? Hey, don't you see me? I'm job 21. I'm the luser by the wall on TTY 30. I'll be here another week before I'm done. Running EMACS in the lowest room of CERAS. Typed ahead 2 screenfulls; hope it keeps this mess. Then suddenly it flashes: [DEC Continued]. I think I better type Control - XS. And the hackers at their carrels, And the staff behind the glass, Keep on letting this computer kick their ass. Users with their reams and reams Of buggy code, still have their dreams That they'll get it done for tuesday morning's class. CHORUS Midnight at the LOTS DECsystem-20. 18 hours and still it won't compile. One more run: "?Halt EXEC, must LOGOUT." I think I'm gonna be here for a while. And the Jupiter and E-net seem To be some wizard's day-dream. And Kirk and Bob still ain't heard the news. That the Terman node has died again, And the SX: disk has just been trashed. I do declare this system is a luse. KJOB to LOTS, I'm off to crash now. I've switched to CIT, It's the last you'll see of me. My watch says it is way past 4 AM now, And still they say that time on LOTS is "free." ------- 20-Jul-81 17:43:30-PDT,1060;000000000001 Date: 20 Jul 1981 1743-PDT From: K.Kanef at LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: Unpaid Advice Parody-of: Norwegian Wood (by the Beatles) [This is a reaction to the Sex And Consulting controversy which recently raged on BBoard (thanks to Stuart Reges). Though it's traditional, when writing or singing a song, to toggle the pronouns to suit one's own preferences, I'll assume, in the spirit of that discussion, that all consultants lust after women.] I Once helped a girl. Or should I say She once helped me? She Showed me her code. (Isn't it nice, Unpaid advice?) She asked me for help and she told me it wouldn't compile. So I looked it over and noticed its godawful style. I Lended a hand, Raising the load, Changing her code. I Worked until 2, Then heard her weep, "I need some sleep". She said she had class in the morning and started to cry. I told her I didn't 'cause I was too tired to lie. And When it was done, I was alone. She had gone home. So I typed DELETE. Isn't it nice, Unpaid advice? ------- 27-Jul-81 16:05:02-PDT,1124;000000000001 Date: 27 Jul 1981 1605-PDT From: Lynn Gold [Do it with class structures!] Subject: Hazeltine Hazeltine [to "Clementine" by Stephen Foster] On a term'nal On a twenty I sit, waiting for a line And my tty (not too pretty) Is a crufty Hazeltine Oh, my crufty Oh, my crufty Oh, my crufty Hazeltine You have lost my job forever You're pathetic, Hazeltine Hacking MIDAS (Don't deny this!) When the load hits forty-nine Nothing happens for an hour On my crufty Hazeltine Oh, my crufty Oh, my crufty Oh, my crufty Hazeltine You do not help my endeavor You're a sad sight, Hazeltine To get help When hacking EMACS Type control-shift-underline But you must go control-shift-O If you're on a Hazeltine Oh, my crufty Oh, my crufty Oh, my crufty Hazeltine You were never very clever You're outdated, Hazeltine (c) 1981 by Lynn Gold ------- 20-Sep-81 22:36:14-PDT,1142;000000000001 Date: 20 Sep 1981 2236-PDT From: K.Kanef at LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Parody-of: Fun, fun,fun by the Beach Boys Subject: She'll have FUN FUN FUN 'til her daddy takes her keyboard away Well, she's dialed in from home and she's got around the game-playing ban now. Seems she forgot all about her late homework like she told her old man now. And when the Klingons are blasting she'll be typing just as fast as she can now. And she'll have FUN FUN FUN 'til her daddy takes her keyboard away. Well, the users can't stand her 'cause she acts, hacks, and plays like a wheel now. She makes the DECSYSTEM-20 look just like an antique automobile now. Well, she's just a new user but she's already learned a great deal now. And she'll have FUN FUN FUN 'til her daddy takes her keyboard away. Well, you knew all along that your dad was getting wise to you now. And since he took your screen and keys I'll bet you're thinking that your fun is all through now. But you're close enough to CERAS if you're willing just to wait in the queue now. And you'll have FUN FUN FUN now that Daddy took your keyboard away. ------- 21-Sep-81 18:52:18-PDT,1272;000000000001 Date: 21 Sep 1981 1852-PDT From: K.Kanef at LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: May God Bless and Keep The Forks Parody-of: Sabbath Prayer (FIDDLER ON THE ROOF) Note: sung in two parts: S = software people, H = hardware people, A = all A May the Forks protect and defend you. A May they always keep you from harm. A May you never run A A wholine or a robot arm. A May you not learn ZORK or ADVENTURE A May Forks keep you safe from that craze. A Strengthen them, O Forks, A And keep them from the gamester's ways. A May you be like SAIL and like PARC-MARX. A May your users love you the most. A May you come to be A On Ethernet the perfect host. S May Forks bless you S And grant you low loads. H May the Forks fulfill our magic chant for you. H May Forks make you H Good Ethernet nodes. S May they do the things that humans can't for you. S May the Forks prevent software crashes. H May the Forks prevent hardware crashes. S May they always shield you from shame. H May they always shield you from blame. S Favor them, O Forks, H Favor them, O Forks, S with maintanence and peace. H with maintanence and grease. A O hear our magic chant! A Aaaaaaaaaaaaaamen. ------- 15-Nov-81 03:18:13-PST,873;000000000001 Date: 15 Nov 1981 0318-PST From: Lynn Gold [Do it with class structures!] Subject: Rudolph, the EMACS Hacker Rudolph, the EMACS Hacker (to the tune "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer") Rudolph, the EMACS hacker Had a piece of TECO code And if you ever ran it You would lighten up your load All of the other hackers Used to call his programs names They never let poor Rudolph Play any computer games When one hacker lost his fork, He was heard to say: "Rudolph, with your CUSPy hack, Can you get my edit back?" Then all the other hackers Loaded up his library; Rudolph, the EMACS hacker - You'll go down in hackery! --Lynn Gold The First, Last, One and Only (I think) ------- 4-Dec-81 04:19:56-PST,813;000000000001 Date: 4 Dec 1981 0419-PST From: Lynn Gold Motto: Do it with external functions! Subject: Silent Night Silent Night sung to the tune of "Silent Night" by Franz Mohr Silent Night! Boring Night! LOTS has crashed, all is blight Run yon CHECKD, wizard and wheel Holy twenty never shall keel Boot in heavenly peace Boot in heavenly peace Silent Night! Boring Night! Wizards shake, hackers fight As they wait in queue for a day All their homeworks were due yesterday Still, the system is down! Still, the system is down! Silent Night! Boring Night! Oh my God, I see light Radiant beams from one hacker's face LESS is up, so let's leave this place There, the load's below one! There, the load's below one! ------- 15-Dec-81 01:34:03-PST,1280;000000000001 Date: 15 Dec 1981 0134-PST Sender: B.BERLIN From: Terry Butzerin Subject: Terminal Disease (Big Game Gaieties, 1981) Terminal Disease We've got a terminal disease But it's not fatal, just a bug In fact to clear up the whole problem, We need just yank out the plug. We know we're sick of LOTS Cause our whole system has run down, Our file discs are overloaded And our arrays are out of bounds. We've got a terminal disease Cause we're in LOTS and LOTS a pain, We've got a lot of mental problem, And our allotment's out again. We spend all quarter here at LOTS Bashing our heads against the screen, Don't try to get help from a TA, They are not normal human beings. All of our functions are just defunct, And our procedures won't procede. We think this program we should just junk, This kind of treatment we don't need. We've got a terminal assignment, There is no chance, no time, no hope. We are quite sick of this confinement, We think LOTS a calculating dope. We're sick of waiting in this queue line, Our patience is really on it's edge, We'd really like to beat the system, And we mean beat it with a sledge. --Terry Butzerin ------- 6-Jan-82 17:49:24-PST,1982;000000000001 Date: 6 Jan 1982 1705-PST From: K.Kanef at SU-LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) To: Songs at SU-LOTS Subject: The Time Sink Parody-of: The Time Warp (ROCKY HORROR) [Voices: R.RIFFRAFF, a wizard M.MAGENTA, a wizard (witch?) N.NARRATOR, a hacker CODE, a creation C.COLUMBIA, an ex-CS105 student] R.RIFFRAFF It's astounding. Time is fleeting. Hacking takes its toll. Why don't you type "C" M.MAGENTA (tauntingly) That's the way you get STARTED! R.RIFFRAFF While holding down Control. I remember doing the Time Sink, Drinking those moments when An idea would hit me. R.RIFFRAFF & M.MAGENTA And my code would be calling: define CHORUS < CODE Let's do the Time Sink again! Let's do the Time Sink again! N.NARRATOR I'll add a JUMP at the end. CODE And then a SKIP at the top. N.NARRATOR With a HANDS% inbetween. CODE And hope the code won't flop. But it's the little bugs. That really drive you insa-a-a-a-ane. Let's do the Time Sink again! Let's do the Time Sink again! > M.MAGENTA It's so funny -- a DECSYSTEM-20 That costs no money -- no, none at all! It's another facility, And our tuition's ability To keep rising pays it all. R.RIFFRAFF Hope your work is in order; M.MAGENTA You may spend a whole quarter. R.RIFFRAFF And NOTHING will ever be the same. M.MAGENTA 'Til your preoccupation R.RIFFRAFF Gets you put on probation! CHORUS C.COLUMBIA Well I was taking 105 -- Knew it was a risk -- When a snake of a guy showed me how to play FisK. It boggled my mind, it made me feel confused. It was the strangest program that I EVER used! I started to play and I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again! CHORUS ------- 22-Mar-82 02:14:46-PST,3441;000000000001 Mail-From: K.KANEF created at 22-Mar-82 02:13:43 Date: 22 Mar 1982 0213-PST From: K.Kanef at SU-LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: To LOTS To: Songs at SU-LOTS Parody-of: To Life (FIDDLER ON THE ROOF) [Mana is a Hebrew word meaning lot, ration, or allocation. It's also a Polynesian word for the resource which makes magic possible.] Lieberman: We'll give funds to Res Ed, Our classrooms and libraries, And most important, Gorin: To LOTS! To LOTS! L'Mana! G & L: L'Mana, l'Mana, to LOTS! Gorin: Here's to the resource you'll see us be. Lieberman: Here's to the GSB. Gorin: Funds to Mana, to LOTS, to LOTS, l'Mana. L'Mana, L'Mana, to LOTS. User 1: LOTS has a way of frustrating us, User 2: Infuriating us. Users: Funds, to Mana, to LOTS! Hacker 0: LOTS says we should not be hacking When the CPU lies panting on the floor. Hacker 1: So how can we do our hacking When we're taking classes to do hacking for? G & L: To LOTS! To LOTS! L'Mana! Users: To CIT, hoping it rots. Lieberman: It gives you something to think about. Gorin: To raise a stink about. G & L: Funds to Mana, to LOTS! Gorin: Queenie, free allocation for everyone! Queenie: What's the occasion? Gorin: We're getting another computer! Hackers: What is it? Gorin: Digital's oldest, a 2040! Users: Hooray! To Lieberman! Gorin: To Gorin! Users: To CIT, hoping it rots! May all our futures hold sleepy nights, Not like these creepy nights. Funds to Mana, to LOTS, to LOTS, l'Mana, L'Mana, L'Mana, to LOTS. And with this much-needed new resource, We'll take another course. Funds, to Mana, to LOTS! We'll raise some funds and steal from GSB What could be used by many, they would give to few. We know that such a fortune piled on our site Will almost surely halve the load and queue. To us, and our small fortune! Be happy, be hacky, load loads. And if our new system never comes, here's to whatever comes. Funds to Mana, to LOTS! [Enter the head of CIT, P1.X37, and some CIT staff.] P1.X37: 1. > Milton, Wylbur, Orvyl, 2. > Send you blessings (oh, how horrible!) 3. > To your site and may we work together in peace! 4. > Milton, Wylbur, Orvyl, 5. > Send you blessings (oh, how horrible!) 6. > To your site and may we work together in peace! 7. > *** CIT staff: 7. > May your system soon appear a much less crowded place! 8. > May you live to see a better user interface! 9. > Milton, Wylbur, Orvyl, 10. > Send you blessings (oh, how horrible!) 11. > To your site and may we work together in peace! 12. > *** Users: We'll raise some funds and steal from GSB What could be used by many, they would give to few. We know that such a fortune piled on our site Will almost surely halve the load and queue. To us, and our small fortune! Be happy, be hacky, load loads. CIT staff: 12. > And if your new system never comes, here's to whatever comes. 13. > *** Users: Funds to Mana, to LOTS! Gorin: To LOTS!! ------- 22-Mar-82 02:54:38-PST,1880;000000000001 Mail-From: K.KANEF created at 22-Mar-82 02:52:54 Date: 22 Mar 1982 0252-PST From: K.Kanef at SU-LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: Turing Test #2 (Mola) To: Songs at SU-LOTS Parody-of: Lola (the Kinks) I met her playing chess at the AI lab, Where the corn chips taste like they're circuits dipped in Mazola. And foo bar bazola. She sent me some MAIL, and she asked me to TALK. I asked her her name and in a dark brown ink she typed "Mola". Ey-el-ey-en-ola. AI Motorola. Well, I'm not the world's most intelligent guy, But she beat me at chess without seeming to try. Oh, my Mola. AI Motorola. Well, I'm not dumb, but I just don't know Why she typed so fast and she thought so slow. Oh, my Mola. AI Motorola. AI Motorola. Well, we ate corn chips and talked 'til eight, Locked in electric tete-a-tete. She talked of love, and wrote some poetry, And said "Dear boy, won't you come visit me?" Well, I'm not the world's most passionate guy, But when I read all her poems, I completely fell for my Mola, AI Motorola. AI Motorola. Mola! AI Motorola. AI Motorola. I walked to her room. I opened the door. I fell to the floor. I climbed up the ramp. And I blinked at her and she at me. And that's the way that I want it to stay, And I always want it to be that way for my Mola. AI Motorola. Real will be fake, and fake will be real; It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up field, except for Mola. AI Motorola. Well, I left home just a week before, And I never ever wrote a program before. But Mola winked and took me by surprise And said "Dear boy, you should see your eyes!" Well I'm not far down the hacker's road But I'm stuck in that mode, and I'm proud of my code. And so is Mola. AI Motorola. AI Motorola. Mola! AI Motorola. AI Motorola. Mola! AI Motorola. AI Motorola. Mola! AI Motorola. AI Motorola. . . . ------- 15-Apr-82 11:10:47-PST,1502;000000000001 Date: 15 Apr 1982 1110-PST From: Rick Stone Subject: Software Wizard Parody-of: Pinball Wizard Ever since I was a freshman I've played with DEC machines. In Jacks Hall or at CERAS, I'm mainly to be seen. But I ain't seen nothing like him He's the top of every stack. That's deaf, dumb and blind he is, Sure codes the neatest hacks. He sits in a stupor, Becomes part of the machine. The stuff he writes is super And he never sees the screen. His code's pure inspiration, Bugs are all it lacks. That's deaf, dumb and blind he is, Sure codes the neatest hacks. He's a software wizard. He programs quite a show. A software wizard, And king of all I/O. K.L.: How do you think he does it? R.G.: I don't know. R.K.: What makes him so good? Ain't got no distractions, Don't hear the keys or bell, Don't eat, don't sleep, just programs. In classes: don't do well. But every time he's paged out, He always gets swapped back. That's deaf, dumb and blind he is, Sure codes the neatest hacks. (I thought I was the symbol table king, But I just handed my MIDAS crown to him.) Even with my favorite TECO, he can beat my best. The OS logs him in, and he just does the rest. His MACROs : never FAILing. He's really got the "nack." That's deaf, dumb and blind he is, Sure codes the neatest hacks. He's a software wizard. He's SCOREing even more. A software wizard, To be in software lore. (He's SCOREing more! He's SCOREing more!!) ------- 29-May-82 03:47:46-PDT,897;000000000011 Mail-From: K.KANEF created at 29-May-82 03:46:53 Date: 29 May 1982 0346-PDT From: K.Kanef at SU-LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: Bet You'll Like AYEWBF Parody-of: Betcha By Golly, Wow (sung by the Stylistics) To: Songs at SU-LOTS There's a spark of magic in the code, A friendly hand that runs in background mode. Tells you when your friends are logging in. It's called a spy fork, and it's my fork. It makes LOTS a nice abode, And it doesn't raise the load. And -- Bet you'll like AYEWBF. It's a program I've been working on forever. And ever will its subroutines Keep going wrong, Keep going wrong. If I could I'd write a special hack To spy on you and tell me when you're back. Beep and whistle each time you appear. To show I love you, thinking of you. Write your name across my screen, When you turn up on the scene. And -- (Chorus) ------- 6-Jun-82 15:24:14-PDT,619;000000000001 Mail-From: K.KANEF created at 6-Jun-82 15:23:53 Date: 6 Jun 1982 1523-PDT From: K.Kanef at SU-LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: People Will Say That We Cheat To: Songs at SU-LOTS Parody-of: People Will Say We're In Love (OKLAHOMA) Don't steal arrays from me. Don't ape my style too much. Don't copy my file too much. People will say that we cheat. Don't start in phase with me. Your start looks so like mine. Your chart mustn't flow like mine. People will say that we cheat. Please start respecting me, Or I'll just take "Incomplete". TAs are suspecting me! People will say that we cheat. ------- 10-Jun-82 18:10:36-PDT,2133;000000000001 Mail-From: K.KANEF created at 10-Jun-82 18:05:26 Date: 10 Jun 1982 1805-PDT From: K.Kanef at SU-LOTS (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: Golden Fleece To: Songs at SU-LOTS Parody-of: "Golden Thread" (from Holly Near's FIRE IN THE RAIN album) Such a rush is going through my body! You are so far across the net. Tender words run through my tty line. I will get closer to you yet. It's hard for me to ponder long On every friendly byte, For how can I touch you the way I want to touch you When I intend to stay home and append to my program For the rest of the night? My keys are stuck. I've lost control. Your thoughts are so close to mine! We share a craving and a craft, my friend. We two are walking a fine line. Is it hard for you to ponder long On every loving byte? Oh, how can you touch me the way you want to touch me When you intend to stay home and append to your program For the rest of the night? define CHORUS < A hacker's love is like a golden fleece: It can swap in and out, in and out, Oh, transparently. I know this is true: I couldn't stop hacking for the life of me, And I do love it so, mm I do love it so. > CHORUS But lots of code is missing from its body: My program should be able to hack the net! Fresh ideas flow through my weary mind... I have't finished with it yet. But it's hard for me to ponder long On every buggy byte, For how can I hack it the way I want to hack it When I intend to leave home and befriend a new lover By the end of the night? CHORUS But repeat 2,< You can't complete a program. No, You can't complete a program. When one version's done, You'll write a better one. And then start a better better one. > Oh, run, run, be done by three. It's gotta fly, run, run, efficiently. [S]He's lying next to me. * Sexuality, let go of me, So I can keep on hacking! (repeat and fade out) ----- * To indicate that the reader/singer can change the pronoun to match his or her own preferences, I've put an "s" in front of the "he" but diked it out. ------- 13-Aug-82 17:35:40-PDT,564;000000000001 Date: 13 Aug 1982 0635-PDT From: P.PHIGMENT Subject: Take me over to CERAS To: e.ernest Sung to the tune of "Take me out to the ballpark" Lyrics by Paul Hahn (P.Phigment at SU-LOTS, summer 1982) Take me over to CERAS! Put me into the queue! Log me in at a TTY: I'll hack till the CRT fries out my eye- (-balls so) Take me over to CERAS, Take me over to LOTS! If you don't, I'll get out my modem and Just dial in! With the customary apologies. It probably could be better; you're welcome to play with it if you think it needs it. ------- 23-Oct-82 07:18:40-PDT,835;000000000001 Mail-From: T.TOPAZ created at 23-Oct-82 07:18:30 Date: 23 Oct 1982 0718-PDT From: Haruka Takano Subject: When Will I See Some Response To: Songs at SU-LOTS-A cc: T.Topaz at SU-LOTS-A Parody of: "When Will I See You Again" When will I see some response? When will I get some more runtime? Will I have to wait forever? Will I have to sit here and stare the whole night long? When will I see some response? When will I see some more output? Did it compile or bomb out? Is my program looping or is it the load? When will I see some response? When will I see some response? When will I see some response?... Did it compile or bomb out? Is my program looping or is it the load? When will I see some response? When will I see some response? When will I see some response?... ------- 10-Nov-82 08:08:55-PST,355;000000000001 Mail-From: S.SARGON created at 10-Nov-82 08:05:51 Date: 10 Nov 1982 0805-PST From: S.SARGON at SU-LOTS-A Subject: Oh what a beautiful morning To: songs at SU-LOTS-A Oh what a beautiful mooooorrrrnn-ning I've spent all night here at LOTS... My program still isn't ruunnnnn-ning F_ck this sh_t, I'm goin' home. ------- 13-Nov-82 19:03:29-PST,942;000000000001 Mail-From: S.SARGON created at 13-Nov-82 18:37:49 Date: 13 Nov 1982 1837-PST From: S.SARGON at SU-LOTS-A Subject: My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean To: songs at SU-LOTS-A Verse 1. Last night as I finished my program, I pondered relief for awhile... I just about saved it -- when LOTS crashed, And I lost my whole goddam file. Chorus: Bring back, bring back, Oh bring back my edit to me (to me), Bring back, bring back, Oh bring back my edit to me. Verse 2. I ranted and rave for an hour, and rewrote my whole program and then... I just about saved it -- when LOTS crashed, and I lost it over again. Chorus: Verse 3. The moral of this little story, (and I don't mean to be forceful or rude), but you damn well better backup your programs, or you're really are gonna get screwed. Chorus: -David Nilsen ------- 19-Nov-82 01:02:10-PST,1334;000000000001 Mail-From: H.HARUKA@LOTS-B created at 19-Nov-82 01:01:43 Date: 19 Nov 1982 0058-PST From: Haruka Takano Subject: "After the Crash" To: Songs at SU-LOTS-B cc: H.Haruka at SU-LOTS-B (Apologies to Neil Young - sung to the tune of "After the Gold Rush") Well I dreamed I saw the LOTS consultant saying there was something about to die, There were users screaming and consoles beeping and a message caught my eye, "%DECSYSTEM-20 NOT RUNNING" was on every T-T-Y, Look at all the work the users lost, you can see them start to cry, Look at all the work the users lost, you can see them start to cry. I was sitting in the CERAS lobby as the phosphors burned my eyes, I was working on my program when my job was killed by 'LINE, There was a queue growing all the time and the load was getting high, I was wondering if I should go to bed or maybe get back in line, Wondering if I should go to bed or maybe get back in line. Well I thought I could debug my program and be done before the morning sun, I was setting break points and single-stepping just to see what might be done, All in a dream, all in a dream LINK/LOADING had begun, If my program works, I'll leave this place, and crash out in the sun, If my program works, I'll leave this place, and crash out. ------- 11-Dec-82 13:30:32-PST,818;000000000001 Mail-From: R.RAPPER created at 11-Dec-82 13:29:14 Date: 11 Dec 1982 1329-PST From: Mark Adolph Subject: What I Did for LOTS To: songs at SU-LOTS-A (Sung to the tune of "What I Did for Love" from A CHORUS LINE) Kiss your nights goodbye, The sleeping and the comfort. Wish me luck, the same to you. But I can't regret what I did for LOTS, What I did for LOTS. Look my job's alive, The output is appearing, But it's quite long overdue. And I won't forget what I did for LOTS, What I did for LOTS. Down, LOTS is always down. As we gain reknown, LOTS's what we'll remember. Kiss your nights goodbye, And point me toward a carel. We did what we had to do. Won't forget, can't regret what I did for LOTS, What I did for LOTS, What I did for LOTS. ------- 3-Jan-83 02:50:24-PST,1864;000000000001 Mail-from: SU-NET host SU-LOTS-A rcvd at 3-Jan-83 0246-PST Date: 3 Jan 1983 0246-PST From: K.Kanef at SU-LOTS-A (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: Visicalc To: Songs at SU-LOTS-A Parody-of: Physical (Olivia Newton John) Visicalc Parody written by Bob Kanefsky Idea suggested by Judy Anderson Been working out the figures day and night, Making good column'ation. I gotta add them up just right -- And know what they mean. I pencil in the fields I \guess/ you want, Adding and subtracting duly, Movin' my eraser up and down and Horizontally. Let's get Visicalc, Visicalc. I wanna get Visicalc. Lemme get your budget done, Your budget done. Lemme get your budget done, Let's get Visicalc, Visicalc. I wanna get Visicalc. Let's get into Visicalc. Lemme get your budget done, Your budget done. Lemme get your budget done, I been patient, I been good. Tryin' to make a hand-drawn table. My interest in your figures wanes -- You know what I mean. I'm sure you'll understand my point of view; We know each other fiscally: You gotta know you're gettin' up My semi-annual fee. Let's get Visicalc, Visicalc. I wanna get Visicalc. Let's get into Visicalc. Lemme get your budget done, Your budget done. Lemme get your budget done, Let's get Visicalc, Visicalc. I wanna get Visicalc. Let's get into Visicalc. Lemme get your budget done, Your budget done. Lemme get your budget done, Let's get annual, Annual. I wanna get annual. Let's get into annual. Lemme get your budget done, Your budget done. Lemme get your budget done, Lemme get your budget done, Lemme get your budget done, ------- 3-Jan-83 03:50:14-PST,1391;000000000001 Mail-From: K.KANEF created at 3-Jan-83 03:49:30 Date: 3 Jan 1983 0349-PST From: K.Kanef at SU-LOTS-A (Bob Kanefsky) Subject: Just Your Stupid Batch Job To: Songs at SU-LOTS-A Parody-of: Just My Imagination (?) A beep from my spy fork; I melt when I see you've logged in. I see we're alone, and suddenly I grin. To have you ask for help Would truly be opportune. And, like all new users in the world, You'll be asking soon. But it was just your stupid batch job, Set to run at three. Tell me it was just your stupid batch job, Starting to run at three. Soon you'll grow desperate, And you will come to me. A nasty little bug, but I will fix it In two minutes, maybe three. And then you Will smile gratefully... A pity you're not here; all too real it all seems. But it was just your stupid batch job, Set to run at three. Tell me it was just your stupid batch job, Starting to run at three. Every night, with my keys I play: "My love! Hear my plea! Don't be afraid; submit yourself to me, Or I will surely die! Your love is Virtually Everything that's pleasant." But, in reality, you aren't even present! For it was just your stupid batch job -- Once again -- Set to run at three. Tell me it was just your stupid batch job, Starting to run at three. ------- 31-Jan-83 01:09:15-PST,957;000000000001 Date: 30 Jan 1983 0309-PST From: Mark Adolph Subject: The Impossible Code To: Songs at SU-LOTS-A (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) To code the impossible code, To bring up a virgin machine, To pop out of endless recursion, To grok what appears on the screen, To right the unrightable bug, To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To mount the unmountable magtape, To stop the unstoppable crash! This is my quest - To debug that code, No matter how hopeless, No matter the load, To write those routines Without question or pause, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV For a heavenly cause. And I know if I'll only be true To this glorious quest, That my code will run CUSPy and calm When it's put to the test. And the queue will be better for this, That one man, scorned and destined to lose, Still strove with his last allocation To scrap the unscrappable kludge! ------- 6-Feb-83 11:15:12-PST,1302;000000000001 Date: 6 Feb 1983 1115-PST From: Lynn Gold Subject: Where Have All the Flamers Gone? Motto: Do it with external functions! Where have all the flamers gone? Long time passing... Where have all the flamers gone? Long time ago... Where have all the flamers gone? Gone to readers, every one When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn? Where have all the readers gone? Long time passing... Where have all the readers gone? Long time ago... Where have all the readers gone? Gone to students, every one When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn? Where have all the students gone? Long time passing... Where have all the students gone? Long time ago... Where have all the students gone? Gone to dinner, every one When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn? Where have all the dinners gone? Long time passing... Where have all the dinners gone? Long time ago... Where have all the dinners gone? Gone to hackers, every one When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn? Where have all the hackers gone? Long time passing... Where have all the hackers gone? Long time ago... Where have all the hackers gone? Gone to flaming, ever one! When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn? ------- 20-Mar-83 14:17:29-PST,1070;000000000001 Mail-From: R.RAPPER created at 20-Mar-83 14:16:40 Date: 20 Mar 1983 1416-PST From: Mark Adolph Subject: Sunrise, Sunset To: songs at SU-LOTS-A (A TA's lament) Are these the novices I graded? Are these the programmers I trained? I haven't yet become a wizard, When did they? When did she get to be a hacker? When did he learn to code in FAIL? Wasn't it yesterday I taught them MAIL? Sunrise, sunset, Sunrise, sunset, Swiftly flow the nights. Lusers turn overnight to winners, Creating magic with a byte. Sunrise, sunset, Sunrise, sunset, Swiftly fly the years. One intro class following another, Laden with dread computer fears. What words of wisdom can I give them? How can I help to ease their way? Now they must learn from system crashes Day by day. They look so natural with junk food, Just like a true hacker should be. Is there enablement in store for me? Sunrise, sunset, Sunrise, sunset, Swiftly fly the years. One intro class following another, Laden with dread computer fears. ------- 19-Nov-83 22:08:27-PST,3121;000000000001 Mail-From: W.WHP4 created at 19-Nov-83 22:05:58 Received: from LOTS-A by LOTS-A with Pup; Sat 19 Nov 83 03:45:31-PST Date: Sat 19 Nov 83 02:52:42-PST From: Bill Palmer Subject: songs off net.jokes To: songs at SU-LOTS-A From diamant@cwruecmp.UUCP (John Diamant) Sun Nov 13 00:08:44 1983 Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site flairvax.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 beta 3/9/83; site cwruecmp.UUCP Path: flairvax!decwrl!decvax!cwruecmp!diamant From: diamant@cwruecmp.UUCP (John Diamant) Newsgroups: net.jokes,net.misc Subject: Re: As promised! The Irish Ballad Message-ID: <783@cwruecmp.UUCP> Date: Sun, 13-Nov-83 00:08:44 PST Article-I.D.: cwruecmp.783 Posted: Sun Nov 13 00:08:44 1983 Date-Received: Mon, 14-Nov-83 02:31:17 PST References: <151@dual.UUCP> Organization: CWRU Computer Engr. Cleveland, Ohio Lines: 71 I have seen many one liners about computer songs, as well as several Tom Lehrer songs and thought this might be interesing. A while ago, I ran across this version of An Irish Ballad. It was written at Johns Hopkins University (from a songbook compiled by their science fiction association). AN IRISH CPU (to An Irish Ballad by Tom Lehrer) by Sarah Elizabeth Miller About a CPU I sing, Sing rickity, tickity, tin. About a CPU I sing Who sat around compi-a-ling And wouldn't do another thing For anyone else logged in, logged in, For anyone else logged in. Old programs it would just ignore, Sing rickity, tickity, tin. Old programs it would just ignore And leave them rotting in the core, Not caring what they all were for Except those in "user/bin", "user/bin", Except those in "user/bin". This CPU was lots of fun, Sing rickity, tickity, tin. This CPU was lots of fun Until one wanted programs run And if one tried to get them done It typed back "You're not logged in, logged in." It typed back "You're not logged in." Long processes it would not do, Sing rickity, tickity, tin. Long processes it would not do And, rather than to run them through, Would ask to have some Irish stew And a couple of cases of gin, of gin, And a couple of cases of gin. And then it would raise hellish toasts, Sing rickity, tickity, tin. And then it would raise hellish toasts And make a few obnoxious boasts, Not only could it drink the most, It knew many more ways to sin, to sin. It knew many more ways to sin. To prove its point to all the world, Sing rickity, tickity, tin. To prove its point to all the world It let the magtape fall in curls And wrap around some foxy girl And slowly rewind her in, her in, And slowly rewind her in. This sordid tale I won't prolong, Sing rickity, tickity, tin. This sordid tale I won't prolong And, if you do not enjoy my song, You've got Abe to blame if it's too long. He should never have let me begin, begin. He should never have let me begin. John Diamant Usenet: ...decvax!cwruecmp!diamant Case Western Reserve University CSNet: diamant@Case Cleveland, Ohio ARPA: diamant.Case@Rand-Relay ------- 24-Nov-83 04:46:07-PST,2044;000000000001 Received: from LOTS-A by LOTS-A with Pup; Thu 24 Nov 83 04:46:03-PST Date: Sat 19 Nov 83 22:18:07-PST From: Bill Palmer Subject: another song... To: songs at SU-LOTS-A From puder@burdvax.UUCP Tue Nov 15 08:55:29 1983 Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site flairvax.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site burdvax.UUCP Path: flairvax!decwrl!decvax!wivax!linus!philabs!seismo!harpo!floyd!clyde!akgua!sb1!sb6!bpa!burdvax!puder From: puder@burdvax.UUCP Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Re: -Computer Songs Message-ID: <1311@burdvax.UUCP> Date: Tue, 15-Nov-83 08:55:29 PST Article-I.D.: burdvax.1311 Posted: Tue Nov 15 08:55:29 1983 Date-Received: Thu, 17-Nov-83 08:01:38 PST References: <72@tpvax.fluke.UUCP> Organization: SDC - a Burroughs Company, Paoli PA Lines: 31 This isn't the one requested, but I wrote this for our fortune file after finding the first verse there. Ah, look at all the lonely users. Ah, look at all the lonely users. Eleanor Rigby; Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Hacker MacKensie; Writing the code for a program that no one will run It's nearly done Look at him working, Fixing the bugs in the night when there's nobody there. What does he care? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Ah, look at all the lonely users. Ah, look at all the lonely users. Eleanor Rigby; Her program crashed leaving no trace in core or on disk. She's really pissed. Hacker MacKensie; Wiping the bits from the tape as he dismounts the drive. Nothing was archived. All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? -- Karl Puder {sdcrdcf,presby,psuvax,bpa}!burdvax!puder (215)648-7555 ------- 8-Dec-83 02:08:28-PST,1211;000000000001 Mail-From: C.CHAR created at 8-Dec-83 02:08:23 Date: Thu 8 Dec 83 02:08:23-PST From: C.CHAR@LOTS-A Subject: So you want songs, eh? To: songs@LOTS-A "You're Not Alone" sung to the tune of "We're All Alone" by Boz Scaggs. Outside it starts to snow, And you will never know, Still inside, Bloodshot-eyed And tired, debugging your code. Forever more. Forever more. Drink some more caffeine, And curse at the machine, Editing, Commenting For hours, long forgotten now. You're not alone. You're not alone. Find some errors, Fix your file, But still it won't compile. No need to edit now. Print it out. Try it all again. What can you turn in? Once you start to code, You can't help but grow old, Hackers do, lusers, too, so Back your programs up on tape, And keep them near. Keep them near. Find some errors, Fix your file, But still it won't compile. No need to edit now. Print it out, Try it all again. Nothing's working yet, my friend? You're not alone, You're not alone. Find some errors, Fix your file, But still it won't compile. No need to edit now. Print it out, Try it all again. Nothing's working yet, my friend? You're not alone.... ------- 8-Dec-83 02:17:58-PST,860;000000000001 Mail-From: C.CHAR created at 8-Dec-83 02:17:54 Date: Thu 8 Dec 83 02:17:53-PST From: C.CHAR@LOTS-A Subject: An oldy... To: songs@LOTS-A "There! I've Handed It In!" sung to the tune of "There! I've Said It Again!" by Redd Evans and Dave Mann It's working, there's no need to wait. It's already a day or two late. It's working (for what I type in). There! I've handed it in! I've finished, what more can I say? For ages, I've look towards this day. It's working (the comments are thin). There! I've handed it in! I've tried all night for A program just right for Meeting the homework's demands. But what good is hacking When what I am lacking Is food and rest For tomorrow's test? Forgive me, for being so late, But LOTS crashed from midnight till eight. It's working from END to BEGIN. There! I've handed it in! ------- 8-Dec-83 20:17:10-PST,896;000000000001 Mail-From: C.CHAR created at 8-Dec-83 18:36:37 Date: Thu 8 Dec 83 18:36:37-PST From: C.CHAR@LOTS-A Subject: more ... To: songs@LOTS-A "Argue on BBoard Flamer" sung to the tune of "Boogie on Reggae Woman" by Stevie Wonder I like to see you argue All across the net. I like to write back at you, Though your opinion's set. I like to tantrum, But you type too rash for me. I like to get you angry By flaming on your screen. Argue on BBoard flamer. What is wrong with me? Argue on BBoard flamer. Stupid, can't you see? I'd like to see both of us Meet face to face. I'd like to see you up front And put you in your place. (Yes I would) I'd like to see both of us Meet face to face. I'd like to see you in the flesh And put you in your place. Argue on BBoard flamer. What is wrong with you? Argue on BBoard flamer. What you trying to prove? ------- 6-Jan-84 16:49:14-PST,1337;000000000001 Received: from LOTS-B by LOTS-A with Pup; Fri 6 Jan 84 16:49:12-PST Date: Fri 6 Jan 84 16:49:31-PST From: Richard Treitel Subject: "Beneath Bright Lights" To: songs@LOTS-B cc: v.vega@LOTS-B No-one knows what it's like to be a user to be a luser Beneath bright lights No-one knows what it's like to be hated to be fated To working only nights But my screens they aren't as empty as my disk space seems to be I have hours only lonely My love's ADVENTURE that's there for free No-one knows what it's like to write these programs like I do And I blame you! No-one bites back as hard on their errors None of my strange code can show through But my screens they aren't as empty as my disk space seems to be I have hours only lonely My love's ADVENTURE that's there for free If I learn BASIC, teach me FORTRAN before I use it, rot my brain When it compiles, show me some MacLisp make me write it over again And if I start up a FORK in the Background put your FINGER down my throat If I ask questions, please give me a manual to keep me dumb while you write your code No-one knows what it's like to be a user to be a luser Beneath bright lights (adapted, after a more famous song by The Who) - Richard Treitel ------- 8-Mar-84 02:16:24-PST,1046;000000000001 Received: from LOTS-B by LOTS-A with Pup; Thu 8 Mar 84 02:16:20-PST Date: Thu 8 Mar 84 02:19:06-PST From: Mark Adolph Subject: Last Night I Didn't Get to Sleep At All To: songs@LOTS-B (Apoligies to The Fifth Dimension) Last night I didn't get to sleep at all. (No, no) I sat at LOTS and hacked until the morning came, And though you're just a Helper, It's you I blame. Oh, last night I got to thinking maybe I (I, I) Should send you mail and just forget my foolish pride. I heard PS: accessing, I went cold inside. And last night I didn't get to sleep at all. I know it's not my fault, I did my best. God knows this Heath-19 could use a rest. But every line I type just fills me with such fright That I can't even hit RETURN. (RETURN) Oh, last night I didn't get to sleep at all. (No, no) The programs that I stole were just a waste of time. I couldn't close my eyes with Pascal on my mind. And last night I didn't get to sleep, Didn't get to sleep, No, I didn't get to sleep at all. ------- 25-Dec-84 15:02:05-PST,1716;000000000001 Return-Path: Received: from SU-GSB-HOW.ARPA by SU-GSB-WHY.ARPA with TCP; Tue 25 Dec 84 15:02:03-PST Received: from LOTS-C by GSB-HOW with Pup; Tue 25 Dec 84 13:51:07-PST Received: from LOTS-A by LOTS-C with Pup; Mon 24 Dec 84 11:35:52-PST Date: Mon 24 Dec 84 11:35:28-PST From: gLENN Subject: Famous poem To: bboard@LOTS-A cc: mrc@Score ReSent-Date: Tue 25 Dec 84 13:50:07-PST ReSent-From: Andrew "Droid" Gideon ReSent-To: a.andy@GSB-HOW ReSent-Date: Tue 25 Dec 84 15:01:59-PST ReSent-From: Andrew Gideon ReSent-To: incoming-songs@SU-GSB-WHY.ARPA Night Before CS106 Due-Date Twas the day before Christmas and all through the cache, All the lights were aglow as red as a rash. All the Mag-Tapes were hung by the tape-rack with care In the hopes that some data soon would be there. Then what to my wondering screen should appear, A miniature bug, and J'SI error here. A recursive procedure was nested SO thick I knew in an instant that it must be sick. And more rapid than eagles the err-mes'ges came As I shouted "Oh Doggone" and other bugs' names. And so into D-DT I pushed my program. With a sleighful of hints and some brand new D-RAM. Down the pipes I typed in so nimbly a-bound But the bug still appeared and could not be found. It typed many words and would crash my program O'erflow the buffer and make printers all jam. 'pon laying my finger aside of my nose, And finding a node the ole network arose. Then the CRT shouted with vigor and might: Merry Christmas to All, and to ALL a good night. sAGE s. and cOMPANY (C) -------