**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *****NUMBERS 191 TO 195***********BY DANIEL BOWEN (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)***** "Xicto Ardcust" TOXIC ||| |||||| ||| CUSTARD || || || || WORKSHOP || |||||| || 21ST MARCH 1994 FILES || || || WRITTEN BY DANIEL BOWEN . . . . . . . . TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 24 X And I thought Q was a bit short on words. I hope X is used a bit more in languages other than English, otherwise I would have to question its very existence. We can't afford to have little-used letters like X being subsidised by the other, more popular letters. I happen to know that some of the letters, the vowels in particular, are not happy with this situation. XENOPHOBIA Fear or hatred of wogs, chinks, dagos, honkies, Yanks, spics, etc. XMAS The abbreviation for Christmas that not only looks like it should be pronounced eczemas, it also gives the impression that Christ was crucified on a 45 degree angle. But then, if the abbreviation had been +mas then we would have had to pronounce it as "Crossmas". X-RAY The medical practice of using big impressive machinery and radiation to take photos of bones. I suppose it's easier than peeling all the skin off, and a good deal less painful. The last time I was watching someone having an x-ray the technician turned round to me and said "please step back". She might as well have said "I'd start running now, if I were you. And don't look back if the sight of burning boiling mutated skin alarms you." Ha. And the suburb where that surgery is has declared itself Nuclear Free. XYLOPHONE One of the only sensible, commonly used words starting with X. Also the name of the most boring musical instrument ever devised. It was actually first used by an evil German baron (Von Bastardberg) during the 17th century, as a way of putting his dinner guests to sleep before he robbed them of all possessions. He would then throw them out of one of those windows that adorn the big pointy towers on white castles that you see on jigsaw puzzles. Actually, jigsaw puzzles make great gifts. If you don't like the person you're giving it to, there are several strategies you can follow. - take out two pieces, then seal the box back up - exchange some or all the pieces with those of a different puzzle - buy a puzzle for which the design is a big caption that says "happy fucking birthday, hope you drop dead" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I'm holding, in my other hand(*), a box of twine. What strange stuff, twine. It must come from a twine factory. I wonder how many people work there. And what they say at parties when people ask them what they do. "Oh well... I make twine. Yeah, you know how when you get the packet, how one end of the twine ball is sticking out of the hole in the top. I do that. I find the end and stick it out of the hole." I also notice on the box it says "open flap for instructions." Well, thank God for that. I tell you what, I'd be lost without instructions on how to use my twine. They'd have to open a 24 hour Twine Line, for distressed users of twine. "Oh, you've got to help me, I got my twine home, and I just can't think what I'm going to do with it. I've tried everything - cooking with it, programming the VCR with it, even sex. You've got to help me, please." But no, there are instructions inside boxes of twine. It probably just says "tie stuff". (*) the one I'm not typing with. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TECHNOLOGY REPORT It's interesting to see how the storage of computer data has increased in capacity as it has decreased in size. Some experts believe that by the turn of the century you will be able to store the entire knowledge of the world on a disc so small that it'll get lost down the back of the sofa. Some predictions also indicate the development of a range of clothing that self-destructs within ten seconds of going out of fashion. The clothing industry will also be revolutionised by a coat-hanger that actually finds and hangs up all the clothes screwed up in a heap on the bed by itself. Shopping will be easier when supermarkets introduce cash registers that automatically work out how much you've been overcharged and which items to give you for free. Following research that indicates the average person spends seven years of their life trying to decide what CD to listen to, hi-fi manufacturers are expected any day now to release a CD player that decides for you. New standards in consumer electronics will result in products that actually break down before you've left the shop with them, saving time later. And a new generation of mobile phones and pagers will run after you if you forget to take them with you. And finally, travel will be made less stressful with many innovations designed with the airline passenger in mind. A hand-held device that will fit into your wallet will tell you what city your luggage is in. The luggage itself will be fitted with computer simulated faces and voices so it can look guilty as it goes through customs shouting "nothing to declare!" for you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard has gone and ended itself for another week, but would like it to be known to all its readers that they can get their mitts on loads and loads and loads and loads of TCWF back-issues. They're all available by ftp. For details, just email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| The above has come from my brain, NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| and certainly not from Telecom's. dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| Telecom doesn't have any opinions TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--| as wild as this, anyway. Or if it does, it's not saying. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Yipee! Toxic Custard!" \\\\//// ////// || || ||\\\\\ TOXIC || || || || || CUSTARD || || || /\ || ||\\\\ WORKSHOP No. 192, 28/3/94 || \\\\\\ ||//\\|| || FILES by Daniel Bowen TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 25 YACHT Word that looks like it should be pronounced 'yatched', especially designed that way to confuse people learning English. Actually 'yacht' is descriptive of one of those big boatie things with sails that you see in the bay, which are probably great fun, apart from all the hard work trying to keep the thing from sailing into rocks. YAP The kind of bark produced by a small dog that will try to either bite your toes off or hump your leg if you don't get it first with a chainsaw. YEAR Something that sounds at first like an awfully long time, but goes past faster than anyone realises. Maybe there's something about leap years that I'm missing here, but if the Earth takes about 365.25 days to go around the sun... then why aren't our clocks out by 6 hours more every year? (Yes, I did work it out 20 seconds after I wrote it, but oh well. If I'd wanted to get into long debates about physics and interstellar timezones then I'd have gone to that science-fiction convention. Now, if you ask me, any organised gathering of science-fiction fans should be a perfectly honourable target for terrorist groups. The idea of paying $100 to spend a weekend in a hotel with thousands of Spock quoters and Dalek impersonators makes it clear to me why these things always seem to feature "CON" in the title. "Welcome to COMPLETECON. Our guest of most honour and dedication, who we will be subjecting to long queues of minor-celebrity autograph hunters will be... umm.. Whatsisname! Yeah, that guy who used to be in Doctor Who. You know, the one that got sacked. We've forgotten his name for the moment, but we're sure you all say it in mantras as you go to sleep. And if we can't get him, we'll get that Cyberpunk dude." Now, if it were a Red Dwarf star, that would be a different matter...) YETI Mysterious creature of the Himalayas, also known as the Abominable Snowman. The Yeti, along with the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Elvis, those guys who made the weird stone faces, and everyone who ever disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle, are all somewhere enjoying a coffee, and laughing at every one of us. YOUTH Description of young people used by social workers, journalists and other misfits of society. Usually found between the words "rampant" and "unemployment". These three words together, typically in 40-point Times New Roman, are often found just above a discussion on the break-up of urban society, the evils of the recession, and the ambivalence of the authorities. Naturally, most of us sigh, turn the page without reading it, and find out about the latest cute little otter born that has mauled the zookeeper's nose off. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It's time now to stand up and admit my guilt. I think have a hatred of cactuses. Not many people can claim to have killed a cactus. By giving it too much water. It wasn't on purpose, it was just one of those things. But tonight I almost struck again. And as the cactus that I knocked off the bookshelf (while trying to choose a CD) fell through space, I thought "Oh no, not again". I've tried meetings of Cactus Haters Anonymous, and discussions with the RSPCC, but to no avail. It's their spikes. They scare me. I have nightmares about accidentally bear-hugging a cactus in the desert. Which would be a prick of a thing to happen, really. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 1 ==================== RON: Bloody hell. JEFF: What? RON: A got a bloody council fine for not voting. But I did! JEFF: No you didn't. RON: I did! I went down to the town hall... JEFF: Yeah, and when you got there, you nutted one of the candidates who was giving you a leaflet, shouted "sod democracy", and went home. RON: Ah, but I did show up. This says "fined for non-attendance". JEFF: I don't think when they wrote the law that they specifically had in mind people who turn up but instead of voting, put candidates in hospital. RON: Bastards. Another fifty dollars down the tube. JEFF: Well I told you you shouldn't have kept your money in the S-bend. I know you already lost most of it in Pyramid, and I know you consider yourself to be a plumbing connoisseur, but the S-bend isn't the place for money - especially notes. RON: So what is it the place for then? JEFF: Well, turds, basically. RON: Okay. Turds in the S-bend... money... where? JEFF: How about the bank? RON: No way. Too many bank robberies. JEFF: I think you'll find that robbers don't take your money personally. When your average bank raid occurs, the masked gunmen don't burst into the bank waving shotguns and shouting "hand over Ron's money or we'll blow your heads off". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, on that uncharacteristic E-flat, we'll say goodbye for another week of Toxic Custard. And I'd just like to add: "Bugger off and do something useful." Like get TCWF back-issues. Available now by ftp. Get details by sending mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| Telecom's NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| respons- Worlds dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| ibilities apart My TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--| opinions ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Cust... zzzzzzzz" Toxic ::::: :::::::::::: ::::::::: 5th April 1994 Custard |||| |||| |||| |||| written by Workshop |||| |||||||||||| ||||||| Daniel Bowen Files #### #### #### #### #### ########## TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 26 ZANTHOXYLUM Same as Xanthoxylum. The word most often saved for a triple word score in Scrabble. (C'mon guys, couldn't you find a sensible way of spelling it?!) ZERO Nothing. Zilch. Having no measurable size, amount. Normally used to describe intelligence, probability, bank balances, luck, investment funds, chance, laughs in this paragraph, etc. ZIGZAG Descriptive of a straight line as drawn by someone who is either extremely intoxicated, has absolutely no coordination, is racked by indecision about direction, or any combination of the three. Any zigzag line drawn under the above conditions will in all probability involve more zigging than zagging (or vice versa), and in the case of intoxication, there is quite likely to be zogging, zugging and zegging involved. ZEBRA A horse with stripes added. Now available in five different colours, and with optional spots. Zebras are now almost extinct, most of their number having been skinned to make pedestrian crossings. Just remember that the next time you cross the street, or play 'Abbey Road', you heartless bastards. Actually, I think if zebras had been spotted instead of striped, zebra crossings would be much more distinctive. Perhaps it's not too late to try leopard crossings. ZIP Object placed in clothing, designed to get stuck at the most inconvenient and/or embarrassing times. When placed in men's trousers, the humble zip can be lethal, or at least very painful. I'm sure I don't need to explain why, but let's just say it makes most men wince almost as much as the word "Bobbit". Take care, chaps. ZODIAC Twelve symbols based on constellations that someone probably saw through a very dodgy telescope, as they ain't up there now. The Zodiac has become the foundation for the income of astrologers, who fall into the Useless Portion of the Population, defined by Toxic Custard to include chain letter senders, ballet instructors, opera singers and arts students. Note that religious leaders are not included in this list -- they're good to laugh at. ZOO Generally a large location where a number of animals are kept, often against their will. Designers of fenceless zoos need to be very careful when estimating the width and depth of the trenches against how far some of the more enthusiastic animals with sharp teeth can jump. A miscalculation could result in long searches for bits of zoo visitors inside various animals' stomachs. Security at zoos should always be a priority. Last year at Melbourne Zoo, five hooligans broke into the zoo at night and taught some of the gorillas how to do the long jump. Then the four of them showed the tigers how to climb out of their cages, and the one that was left was found feeding arms to the killer whales. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 2 ==================== RON: No, it's not going in the bank - I don't intend to take any risks with my money. JEFF: I don't know what all the fuss is about anyway. You've only got ten dollars left. RON: That's as may be. But I worked hard for that ten dollars. I toiled. I slaved. I JEFF: found it in the street. RON: Oh yeah well, yes, I found it in the street. But it wasn't just by luck you know. JEFF: No, it was also because you were faster than the guy in the wheelchair who was coming back to get it after he realised he'd dropped it. RON: Just remember this. Life is a survival of the fittest. And those who are stronger, faster, more agile... not in wheelchairs... Hey, how did you know that anyway? JEFF: I was watching from across the street. Along with five little old ladies and a passing cop. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - WHEN ADVERTISERS DREAM... Somewhere in the outer-reaches of space there is a planet where everything is just like here. Except that everything the advertising people hype and rave about is just as good as they say. Consumer heaven. Where nothing breaks down, where everything is the best it could be, and where you'd never expect to pay as little as that. Where everything comes with a bonus offer and is interest-free try-before-you-buy fully-refundable no deposit lay-by guaranteed lowest special price. And only the consumer groups are angry. Because there's nothing for them to do. A place where 'The Investigators' are shunned. Where no-one reads 'Choice', and reporters on 'A Current Affair' knock on each others doors and chase each other down their own streets because they're so bored. And where everybody's so busy shopping they don't have time to use the products they buy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That brings us to the end of another of those pesky Toxic Custard Workshop Files. If you're the sort of self- centred git who would just love to find out about Toxic Custard back- issues, then email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| Telecom is not responsible NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| for the drivel that has dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| poured out of my brain TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--| over the last 128 lines. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Appended Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ** ***** ** ** 11TH APRIL 1994 TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ** ** ** ** ** 11TH APRIL 1994 TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ** ****** ******* 11TH APRIL 1994 TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ** ** ** 11TH APRIL 1994 ** ** ** TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 27 A FEW OBSCURE ABBREVIATIONS, SAINTS, AND THE OTHER MISCELLANEOUS STUFF YOU FIND AT THE BACK ABBREVIATIONS ABC - Association of Budget Culture ALA - Australian League of Alcoholics FFF - Fascist Fuckwits Federation IRCA - Incredulous Ripped-off Consumer Association RSWL - Returned Servicemans' Warmongers League SHS - Society of Hamster Strangling srt - small round thing (mechanical term) SUB - Society of Utter Bastards TAS - Thick As Shit (teaching term, descriptive of students and education ministers) UPF - Unidentified Program Fuck-up (computing term, when you know there's something wrong, but have absolutely no idea where) vlds - very long drum solo (musical term) OBSCURE IMPERIAL MEASUREMENTS DISTANCE 43 miles = 1 goosefart 7 inches = 1 wanger 1/2 inch = 1 tadger VOLUME 73 pints = 1 sloshedbloke FREQUENCY 65000 hertz = a lot SAINTS HIBBERT THE BUILDER (1823-1860) St Hibbert made it into Sainthood City by building some of the most impressive cathedrals of the 19th century. Unfortunately it was realised later that many had structural defects, and by 1910, they had all collapsed of their own accord. Hibbert himself died when his house collapsed on him during a light breeze. OSBORNE THE WEIRD (1621-1664) St Osborne could be seen running around the streets of Naples wearing nothing more than a tea cosy. Which is a pretty good reason for being known as weird. He would often be heard squawking, saying what he claimed were the prayers that bears uttered, and smoking a strange weed-like substance. Which are several more reasons for being known as weird. RALPH THE PERVERT (1214-1261) St Ralph was best known for his dubious pursuits involving furry animals, something that was, and still is denied by the church. In 1253 he formed the Society of Hamster Strangling, which became an underground organisation soon afterwards, and whose members still occupy parts of Brussels. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I went on a nostalgia trip today... dragged the old 8-bit computer out of the cupboard and played a few Donkey Kong variants. Found an old magazine in a box extolling the virtues of owning an Atari 2600. Ah, those were the days... the graphics were shit, the sound was shit, the gameplay was... hmmm... but boy, was it fun. I can just imagine showing one of those things to today's Nintendo super Sega Megadrive generation. And watching their facial expressions saying "what the hell is this?!" Yes, I confess, I was once envious of friends who had Pong. I do remember how to put an Apple ][ into graphics mode. And I have a Beeb that still works. You know, despite the seventies revival, I haven't spotted anyone playing Break-out lately. But elsewhere in the computer industry, the seventies never really went away. Look at all the poor sods still programming in COBOL. They probably think it's an example of "when you're onto a good thing, stick to it". Problem is... it isn't. Which is why in Uni we knew it was Crappy Old Bloody 'Orrible Language. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My Silly Putty has escaped from the egg it came in. The best thing about Silly Putty, as well as Blutack, isn't the way it bounces and/or sticks things on walls. It's the way you can flatten it out, roll it back up into a cylinder, blow air into it, close it up, and press it down, to the sound of a resounding satisfying "pop"... again... and again, and again. It's a bit like bubble-wrap for repetitive popping sound fascination value. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Don't you love it when you see someone trying to be tough while blatantly doing something wrong, and they know it's wrong, and you know it's wrong, and you pluck up courage and tell them to stop, and they just sort of go all quiet... and stop doing it... and look like they'll cry if you threaten to tell their mothers. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Everything has its place. And if it's something small, you'll always put it back in its place so the next person who wants to use it can find it easily. It gets like a routine. You use it, you bung it back in that green pot thing on the window sill. Until one day, you use it and something in your brain rebels and says "no, I'm not going to put it back there, I'll leave it XXXXXX". And you only realise that this strange event has occurred the next time someone wants to use it. Where the hell is it? Who knows. It's not in the usual place. It could be anywhere... So, where are the torch, the trunk keys, the spare key to the bicycle lock, and the Silly Putty? I don't know. But I've contacted the police, and they're putting together an identikit picture, so if you think you've seen them, please call the Lost Household Objects Hotline. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yes. It's true. Toxic Custard is over for another week. And there isn't anything that anyone can do about it. Not even me. If you've enjoyed this Toxic Custard, you might enjoy dipping your toes into a bucket full of hot wax. Then again, you might not. Either way, how would you like Toxic Custard back-issues? For information on this and other wastes of everybody's time, email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| Telecom is not in any way even NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| the teeniest bit responsible dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| for the crap I choose to exhibit TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--| in the email I send. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Plummeting Toxic Custard" 195195195 195195 195 195 195195195 195 195 195 195 195 Tozic Cussard Wokkshop Files 195 195 195 195 195 195195 Nummer 195, 17th Apriil 1994 195 195 195195195 195 Writtten by Daniel Bowen 195 195195 195195 195 Since I don't fly very much(*)... I wonder if it's possible to earn infrequent flyer points. "Yes that's right, if you fly with us less than twice in twenty years, you could win a bonus bucket of spit." (*) Okay I admit it, I've never flown. Never, okay? I've found that in my life so far, I have had no wish to entrust myself to a large metal object which looks like it couldn't get off the ground in an anti-gravity field. If man had been meant to fly, God wouldn't have given us running shoes. Christie Brinkley IS lucky to be alive, but then, it wouldn't have happened if she'd taken the chairlift like everyone else. "Oh no, fuck that, I'm a superstar, I'll to fly up in a helicopter". Hope she got a good view of the scenery as she plummeted towards the ground. That would be a good name for an airway, wouldn't it. "Come fly PLUMMET, your ticket to the world's sights, sounds, and OH SHIT, WE'RE GONNA CRASH! We don't mind if you vomit into the sick bags. It gives us something to feed the passengers on the next flight." And the things I've heard about luggage. I have a friend who came back from holiday and his bags were more tanned than he was. "So where did you go? Uh huh? And your luggage? Oh yeah, I hear it's nice this time of year. And you flew Plummet, did you? We flew with them last year. Yeah, interesting in-flight catering. The food wasn't much good, but the staff were very friendly. The steward couldn't stop laughing, actually." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Some kids just love to scream. And they all seem to have mastered that very high screeeech that goes right through your brain. But there must come a point when little kids have grown enough so that they don't cry and scream anymore - and they see other kids screaming. And you can just see the thought going through their mind... "what the hell's *he* on about? Why all the noise? Damn kids." Generally it's all about the lack of some kind of ice-cream. Which brings me to another subject. I think one of the basic principles of life is: "When 500 or more are gathered here in my name, a Mr Whippy van will appear". How do they do that? You're telling me they scour the city's streets waiting for crowds to appear? Not quite. Actually, they're all controlled from a Mr Whippy chopper, with on-board Whippy Van Despatch System. From the way they all spell their names slightly differently, Mr Whippy vans appear to be owned and operated by independent businesses, but actually they're all part of the Whippy International Corporation of Kansas. Another example of the spread of franchises. Franchises for some restaurant chains are becoming so popular that McDonald's standard customer question is now "Would you like a franchise with that?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 3 ==================== JEFF: God I hate weekends. Nothing on the telly. Just sport. (He switches channels.) JEFF: Sport. (He switches channels again.) JEFF: Sport. Why is there so much bloody sport on weekends? Why don't they cater for the average man in the street who gets home from the street during the weekends and wants to watch... I dunno, daytime soapies or something. RON: That's why God invented VCRs. JEFF: So why the hell didn't He give us one then? (The phone rings. Jeff answers it, very bored-sounding.) JEFF: 'ullo.... yeah.... yeah.... yeah.... nope.... yeah... (Jeff holds his hand over the mouthpiece as he addresses Ron.) JEFF: Bloody Mormons have taken to phoning people up now. Probably got sick of punctures. (Back to phone). So why didn't He give us a VCR then? (Long pause as he listens to response.) JEFF: Nah, not interested, bye. (Jeff hangs up abruptly.) RON: They should go back to their own country, those Mormons. JEFF: What? RON: They're from Mormonia, aren't they? They should stop telling other people to go there, and go there themselves. JEFF: Even if they were, which I don't think they are, the Mormons are not a group of travel agents. When they come round and knock on the door, which is what they do when they're not phoning people up, they're not actually extolling the virtues of an stop-over in beautiful Mormonia. They actually want to take all your money and give you over to the glory of God. RON: Well, they're not getting my ten bucks. Anyway, the thing about religion is... how do you tell which is the right one? JEFF: Well, the Jeff School Of Thought says look for the religious group who haven't been subject to persecution, flood, fire, pestilence, famine, burglary, etc. 'Cos if you can find people who have managed to avoid all that, it's probable that God is on their side. RON: So the Christians are out? JEFF: Oh yeah. I think if God was looking favourably at Christians, he wouldn't have aimed that tornado at the church in Texas. RON: So who's left...? JEFF: Well, until yesterday I thought it might be the little practised religion of "Ohm Bah Zork". That denomination actually only has one follower. RON: So what happened? JEFF: Someone nicked his video. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You probably can't believe you bothered to read this drivel, and to be honest, neither can I. However, if you brain has reasoned that you want to read more of it, then it will be happy to hear/see/ sense that back-issues are available by ftp. Just email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, Atlas Project------| I just work at Telecom. They're NTC, Telecom Australia, Melbourne| not responsible for what I say dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au---| or think. And vice versa. Nice TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu--| little arrangement, that. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided this notice remains intact. For subscription information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu