______ __ __ __ ______ / __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \ / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| | / _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/ / / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____| /_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____| -------------------------------------------------- The Electronic Humor Magazine -------------------------------------------------- Version 1 Release 5 June 1994 Editor: Dave Bealer Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Printed on 100% recycled electrons Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - Copyrights and Electronic Publishing...................01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02 Chains Of Stupidity................................................03 A Matter of Life (and Death) Support...............................05 Vaporware Expands Entertainment Division...........................08 Johnny Turbo, D.R..................................................09 The Joys of Pet-Sitting............................................11 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey.............................12 Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers..........................15 RAH Humor Review: Dilbert..........................................15 Announcements......................................................16 Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............18 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3 Random Access Humor Page 1 June 1994 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - Copyrights and Electronic Publishing by Dave Bealer Time again for a serious editorial. In the past few months several people took it upon themselves to "help promote RAH" by posting RAH articles, or complete RAH issues, in public conferences. These people were genuinely surprised by the fact that I wanted to them to stop the practice. This situation calls for an explanation. RAH was first published as a plain ASCII text magazine. The original intent was for RAH to be distributed only in ZIP archive form on BBS systems. To accommodate systems that don't support unZIP utilities, it was decided to allow complete uncompressed ASCII text editions of RAH to be made available for download. To allow use on systems that don't have actual download functions, permission was given for sysops to make the ASCII text edition available for online display. This would allow users with terminal software that can "capture" an online session to grab a copy online, then read the resultant text file offline at their leisure. The uncompressed ASCII Text edition turned out to be ideal for Internet users, many of whom have no access to dearchive utilities. None of this is intended to allow posting of RAH articles, or RAH issues, in online conferences. Such action probably constitutes republishing of the work in question, which in the case of copyrighted material is illegal without written permission of the copyright holder. Opinion is actually divided on whether public posting online constitutes publication, but it seems likely the "public posting = publication" viewpoint will win out in the end. I have decided to act as though that will be the outcome until definitive evidence to the contrary is available. - - - As announced for the past several months, this will be the last issue of RAH until the September issue hits the boards. It will be fun to see how much mail is generated this summer from readers who still haven't figured this out. {RAH} Random Access Humor Page 2 June 1994 Lettuce to the Editor From: noel paul stookey celestat bbs blue hill falls, maine dave... excuse my tardy thank you in response to your generous disk of humor...i put the may batch (or was it april?) on the hearye! forum and as far as i could tell folks were gobbling it up (my personal favorites are the taglines of the month)! i hope you'll think of our board when it comes time to put together a june 'episode'.... continued success in your venture (or dare i say it, "rah, rah, rah"!) for the Love of it all, noel paul - - - - - - - - - - - - Noel, It pleases me no end to send collections of RAH issues to all comics who have been personal favorites of mine and who have a prayer of appreciating BBS and computer humor. Alas, that list had only one name on it, yours. Given the eclectic nature of your board and its user community, RAH seemed like a good fit. I'm glad it's working out that way, and will be proud to upload RAH to your board in June, and every month thereafter (after the summer hiatus, at any rate). The taglines seem to be the favorite part for most RAH readers. I can't tell you the ego boost that news always gives those of us who slave over a hot keyboard (many of which have a neat new feature called a SHIFT key) writing original humor for RAH. Hey, some of my articles take a whole *five minutes* to write! Seriously, though, I'm always happy to hear that RAH entertains a reader. That is, after all, the reason this e-mag exists. Thanks so much for your letter, I will treasure it always. DB - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Area: Fidonet Matr Date: 05-13-94 17:36 (Private) From: RONALD SARAUER To: LETTUCE Subject: COOL Random Access Humor Page 3 June 1994 You are soo cool!!! I mean it you are soooooo cool!!!! I mean the coolest!!! you are pure Funk-O-Tron!!! You are so cool you are on the coolness level of freedom rock!!!!! You are soo fresh you could be the g-mac-funk-daddy of all time!!!!!!!!! --- * Origin: Exec-PC BBS > World's Largest BBS < (1:154/280) - - - - - - - - - - - - Ronald, Don't be shy, just say what's on your mind. Gosh, nobody ever said things like that about *me* before. Are you quite sure your brain is getting enough oxygen? Oh, now I remember. I forgot something. DB - - - - - - - - - - - - We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to: Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129 You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions) and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129). --------------------------------------------------------------------- Chains Of Stupidity by Dave Bealer The idiocy of chain letters has finally found its way to the online world. The chain letter I received on the Internet in early May is so ridiculous that it deserves to be commented on here. (The actual text of the chain letter below is preceded by the ">" greater-than character. My comments are interspersed with the chain letter text and begin in column one.) > The following is from a letter I received and I decided to > introduce it on the net. Not only did some mega-twit decide to inflict this on the online world, he found a way to put another victim's return address on the message, causing recipients to flame other innocent victims. I tried to ignore the message, but someone with less online experience was tricked into squawking about the chain letter *I* sent him. > Kiss Someone You Love When You Get This Letter And Make Magic Rascal, my orange and white tabby cat, was thrilled when I carried out this directive. The magic wasn't long in coming, either. Rascal ate some grass and magically created more interesting patterns for my light tan wall-to-wall carpeting. Random Access Humor Page 4 June 1994 > This paper has been sent to you for GOOD LUCK. The original > copy is in New England. It has been around the world nine times. The original is located in the New England Crackpot Museum, which is sponsored by the Psycho Friends Network. The electronic copy has been clocked making it around the world in as little as 80 nanoseconds. > The luck has been sent to you. You will receive GOOD LUCK in > four days. This is no joke. Unfortunately the luck was file attached using a method which is not decipherable by my Internet software, which can handle only one of the more than 2,300 methods of doing file attaches extant in the UNIX world. > You will receive it in the mail. Send copies to the people > you think need GOOD LUCK. Do not send cash, as fate has no price. In other words, what price superstition? > Do not keep this letter. It must leave your hands within 96 hours. As I get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to hand carry e-mail. > An Airforce officer received $70,000. Joe Elliot received $40,000 > and lost it because he broke the chain. While in the Philippines, > Gene Welch lost his wife six days after receiving the letter. He > failed to circulate the letter. However, before her death she had > won $50,000 in a lottery. The money transferred to him four days > after he decided to mail out his letter. If you believe any of this, please e-mail me. I have some swamp land in the Gobi Desert I can let you have *real cheap*. > Please make twenty copies of this letter and see what > happens in four days. The chain comes from South America and was > written by Samuel Adams Pierce, a missionary from South America. During a break from his missionary position, no doubt. > Since the copy must make the tour of the world, you must make > twenty copies and send them to your friends and associates. > After a few days you will get a surprise. This is true even if > you are not superstitious. If you're not superstitious and believe any of this, then I have a *real deal* for you. I can sell you the Washington Monument and ten acres of land surrounding it. Collect rent for all those concerts and demonstrations held there annually! > Do note the following: Constantine Deas received the chain in 1955. It had been sent airmail special delivery in 1932. Random Access Humor Page 5 June 1994 > He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A > few days later he won the lottery of two million dollars. Unfortunately the lottery paid off in Soviet currency. > Andy Daddit, an office employee, received this letter > and he forgot it had to leave his hands in 96 hours. He lost his > job. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed out twenty > copies. A few days later, he got a better job. Mr. Fairchild > received the letter and not believing it, threw it away. Nine > days later he died. The penalties for litterbugs in Mr. Fairchild's town are severe. > Please send no money. > Please do not ignore it. > It works. > (Translation: Don't pay people to take it) This translation has been provided for morons. > (Note that this was started on paper and is only now on the net) Lucky us. I can't wait until Ed McMahon finds out about the net. {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- A Matter of Life (and Death) Support... by Greg Borek Losing containment of the anti-matter. Containment field failure in 30 seconds. Any options? No, sir. We must jettison the warp core. Do it. Core jettisoned, sir. Damage report. Random Access Humor Page 6 June 1994 Primary power systems inoperative. Weapons systems inoperative. Defensive shields inoperative, navigational shields only. Several substantial hull breaches. Only 22% of crew stations reported personed and ready. Life support nominal. Operating on battery power only. Communications almost restored. Slowing to sub-light speed. Damn. I was hoping we would make it to the starbase. What is our ETA? Sir,... Science officer, report. Everyone on the bridge is a Star Fleet officer and we can face facts. What is our ETA? Sir, we have lost all propulsion systems and are travelling on momentum alone. Given our current velocity, my calculations place us at the starbase in approximately 47.242 years. Life support and all power systems will be exhausted in 27.842 years. Hmmm.... Who operates the starbase? The Bureaucrati, sir. Bureaucrati? I thought they were denied admission into the Federation. They were, sir. This starbase was donated to the Federation as an example of their technological competence. The base is completely manned by Bureaucrati. As I recall they were judged as technically competent, but there was some other reason why they were refused membership. Any data on that? No, sir. Only that all contact teams were required to spend several months on Eroticon III recovering. Sir, engineering reports communications restored. Thank goodness for that. Open a channel to the starbase. Open, sir. Bureaucrati Starbase, this the USS Bismarck. We are heavily damaged and have lost all propulsion and navigation systems. We are proceeding at best speed... Uh..., thank you. This is the USS Bismarck. We have sustained heavy damage... Random Access Humor Page 7 June 1994 What the...? Sir, I believe you are speaking to some sort of recorded message. What the...? A recorded message? Who would have a recorded message...? <...If you need to hear the selections again, press # now.> What? What was that? Now we've missed it. Quiet, everyone. Communications officer, press #. Aye, sir, # pressed. Communications officer, press 4. Aye, aye, sir. 4 pressed. Communications officer, 4 again. Aye, sir, 4 pressed. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Don't they realize how dire our situation is here? How long do they think they can keep us on hold like... . How do we get someone's attention? We have to break out of this hold and somehow get someone's attention... Random Access Humor Page 8 June 1994 AAAAH! How long does this go on for? We only have 27.842 years of life support left. <...indoor plumbing. We would also like to take this opportunity to dissuade any of the more cynical races of the galaxy from thinking we are deliberately keeping you on hold to advertise our other services. We sincerely regret any inconvenience caused by this delay. We will be with you shortly.> {RAH} -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- Vaporware Expands Entertainment Division by Muffy Mandel Vaporware Corporation continued to expand its presence in the entertainment industry with the recent acquisition of Wizzy Wig Films VLtd. (Very Limited), the library of which contains such classics as: "An Innocent Broad" - Based on a previously unknown novel by Mark Twain - his version of the Lizzie Borden saga. Stars Tonya Harding. "Star Trek XXIII: The Geezers Finally Retire" - Kirk chases the nurses at the Star Fleet Mature Legends' Home, while bragging how he got through 3 seasons and 22 movies without ever once saying "Engage" or "Make it so." Spock finally gets in touch with his human emotions, only to find that they once belonged to 20th century human comedian Richard Lewis. Bones is kept busy thwarting Spock's resultant suicide attempts. Scotty develops a new starship fuel, a mixture of scotch and Preparation H, which allows his anti-grav dessert trolley to break the warp 10 barrier. George Takei (Sulu) discovers that he is distantly related to Bruce Lee, then dies mysteriously during filming. "Teenage Campers Being Sliced and Diced By Ninjas While Cars Crash And Explode For No Apparent Reason" - A thoroughly modern adventure yarn starring: Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jonathan Brandis, Edward Furlong, Christina Applegate, and Winona Ryder. These stars are joined, briefly, by hundreds of teenage extras who are given the Ginsu treatment with expert precision. Random Access Humor Page 9 June 1994 "Lassie Come Home, We Need An Appetizer" - The canine hero's final adventure with her new Korean friend Kimmy, whose parents operate a Chinese restaurant. The menu includes: Sweet & Sour Lassie, Benji Fried Rice, Rin Tin Wonton, Egg Foo Old Yeller, Beethoven's Fifth Rib, and Toto Lo Mein. With quality material like this, the Wizzy Wig Film library was a real bargain. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Johnny Turbo, D.R. by Jason K. Goodowens It was raining in the city. A good, hard rain that washed the grime from the sidewalks and sent it pouring down the sewer grates where it belongs. I like the rain. From my office window I could see a two bit hood called Manny the Medium hawking black market floppies from the shadows of an alley. I guess the rain can't get rid of all the scum. He'd cornered some poor joe and was giving him the pitch on how you could turn a single sided to a double sided with a hole puncher. Same old scam. I knew the routine, I'd been in the business for years. Some things never change. The line router on my desk suddenly flicked on. I waited patiently as it determined if the incoming call was voice or data. After a few clicks and whirs, the phone rang. It was the chief and it was trouble. There had been a crash. When I got to the scene, the big boys' recovery team was already there. I hoped they hadn't gotten their hands on the hardware, yet. Those goons couldn't rebuild a cluster if it were made out of tinker toys. I elbowed my way past the police line and into the building. The crash scene was a typical one. An empty chair. A blank monitor. A sobbing executive. He was a pudgy polyester type, who looked as if his first cousin was a wombat or possibly a beaver. His secretary attempted to console him by bringing him a fresh cup of coffee. That had always worked before, but not this time. He knocked the mug from her hands and dropped to his knees. "The third quarter financial reports... the entire budget for this year... Wing Commander... all gone...," he wailed. I sat down in front of the dead system and drew my driver from its worn leather holster. "Easy, pal," I growled over my shoulder. "I'll get your data back." His sobbing stopped and he looked at me with shining eyes. "Even... even my contact database?" "Yeah, sure." I turned my attention back to the monitor. It was a messy one. The entire boot sector had exploded, strewing bits throughout the partition, and there were several broken Windows to deal with. Random Access Humor Page 10 June 1994 My hands moved quickly, surely. I had devoted my life to learning more about computers and my study had paid off. There wasn't a system in the world that I couldn't infiltrate, destroy, or repair. The big boys knew it, and they wanted me on their side, but I wouldn't play their game. I work on my own. I like it that way. I tapped a few more keys and whipped out a simple batch recovery program. That did it. I turned to my pudgy pal, who was attempting to wipe the teardrops from his paisley tie, and said, "Don't touch it for ten minutes. After it reboots, you're as good as new." "You work miracles, sir. How can I ever thank you?" he asked. I flicked out a smoke with practiced ease, then put it away just as quickly. Damn smoke free environments. I just had one more question. "How'd this crash happen, buddy? This was no ordinary power surge..." He looked at me with a smile that I didn't like. "Why don't you ask them?" he said, pointing behind me. I whirled around just in time to see two of the big boys' thugs put my lights out with a printer stand. I came to in an old warehouse, surrounded by old, out of date XT's. A computer graveyard, a micro-mausoleum. I tried to stand up, but everything was moving like a cheap CD-ROM drive -- much too slow. I hit the floor again like a pile of rags. A small door opened at one end of the silicon tomb, and a man stepped through. One of the big boys himself! I wanted some answers. "I want some answers..." I croaked. He stood over me and laughed. "You should've taken our offer, Mr. Turbo. It was fair, equitable, and far more generous than we're going to be right now." I had to move fast. I slowly reaching into my coat and found my can of compressed air in its secret pocket. "Hey buddy," I said, "I think you need some air." "What? Mr. Turbo, don't be ridiculous. Why I --" I leapt up and cut him off with a quick blast up the nostril. The rush of air over-oxygenated his brain and rendered him unconscious almost instantly. He dropped like a sack of rotten potatoes. I pulled the static electricity inducer from his sweaty hand and made tracks for the exit. The dumb look on his hired gun's face when I burst through the door was highly comical, I wish you could have seen it. I zapped him with the charge of a thousand feet dragged across a thousand carpets. I dashed down the alley, and caught the local bus back to my office. Random Access Humor Page 11 June 1994 So now I sit here behind my desk, feet propped up, and a bottle of good whiskey in one hand. If the big boys want me that bad I'm sure they'll be back. But, then again, I'm used to keeping one eye over my shoulder. Sure it's a rough and tumble business, and a lot of the time the chips are down, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I lit up a smoke and watched the rain fall. {RAH} ------------- Jason K. Goodowens is slowly biding his time in Section, AL. He has no permanent E-MAIL address, but messages may be posted for him as JASON GOODOWENS on the Dynamic Data Systems BBS, (205) 574-4236. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Joys of Pet-Sitting by Dave Bealer Americans are keeping more pets than ever. A few years ago the cat surpassed the dog as the most popular American pet. Americans are also travelling more than ever, for both business and pleasure. During these absences, someone must look after their pets. The most conveniently located potential victims for this particular brand of abuse are the traveller's neighbors. An acquaintance of Greg Borek's recently wrote a "care and feeding" note to the neighbors before leaving for a week long trip. Selected passages follow: Feeding the cats: twice daily, 1/3 cup dried food morning and evening (+ 1/4 can wet food in the evening only) each. Bob will eat the lion's share of everything he can get to; Dale will sort of ignore the morning meal but that's her problem. Medicating Bob: Bob gets 1/2 pill each meal. He likes the pill and will eat 1/2 from the open palm of your hand like candy. He doesn't know that he has eaten it so he will lick your palm until you make him stop. My wife thinks this is funny - I don't. Sometimes he drops the pill, sometimes I do. Just pick it up and let him lick your palm some more until the idiot has eaten it. (I think you should be paid more for doing this job.) Medicating Dale: Dale is drug free. (Just say meow.) Cat Hurl: A word here about cat vomit. Cats are disgusting, nasty, filthy, hairy, little pigs. They glom up their smelly, nasty food and some time later when they are out reach and sometimes sight, but almost never out of hearing, they will choke up the most nauseating pile of cat food combined with hair and stomach goo. Just look at the existing stains on the rug, walls and certain parts of the ceiling for proof that pigs can fly. Anyway they do this whenever they feel like it and it signals absolutely nothing about any underlying terminal illness. God knows I have prayed enough that if it did we would have owned several generations of the fleabags by now. The glop will dry and is easily cleaned then. Don't worry about the stains, they come out with a combination of kerosene and neutron rays on the third Saturday of the month after the sacrifice of a yellow mottled tree frog. REALLY IT'S TRUE. Don't worry. Random Access Humor Page 12 June 1994 The Litter Box: Amazingly enough the scientific community has spent countless millions of man hours pondering the problem of creating an artificial/natural area in the home where cats will feel highly motivated to carry out their natural digestive functions (see Cat Hurl above for an estimate of their success with upper digestive functions). Hence the invention of high technology artificial sand called SCOOPABLE KITTY LITTER. This stuff is amazing. Why don't they stuff Pampers and Depends with it? It clumps and dries into large concrete blocks, suitable for commercial construction projects, when contacted by the dread kitty pee. Once a week I scoop out the clumps of coagulated kitty pee and the other pre-clumped digestive by-products, put them in a garbage bag and give them as gifts to the ABC environmental engineers. The Mail: Just stack it somewhere EXCEPT FOR THE FOLLOWING ITEMS: Any $10,000,000 check signed or delivered by Ed McMahon...call me immediately if that clown finally shows up with my money. These passages show you some of what pet-sitting neighbors let themselves in for. The author of this note wishes to remain nameless, but at least it can act as a model for entertaining notes for any neighbors you coerce into caring for your pets. I intend to leave a version of this note for my neighbors when I travel to Atlanta this summer. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey Sponsored by: EXEC-PC P.O. Box 57 voice: (414) 789-4200 Elm Grove, WI. 2400: (414) 789-4210 V.32bis: (414) 789-4360 EXEC-PC is the world's largest BBS with 300+ incoming phone lines. It was also one of the first major boards to adopt the Readroom Door for online periodical viewing. Both RAH editions are personally uploaded to EXEC-PC each month by the editor. EXEC-PC has donated two one-year subscriptions to EXEC-PC, each valued at $75. Also sponsored by: Clark Internet Services, Inc. (ClarkNet) 10600 Route 108 voice (800) 735-2258 ext. (410) 730-9764 Ellicott City, MD 21042 TDD: (410) 730-9764 FAX: (410) 730-9765 You can e-mail to all-info@clark.net for automatic reply of ClarkNet information or e-mail to info@clark.net for inquiry. Random Access Humor Page 13 June 1994 ClarkNet provides Internet access services to the Baltimore/ Washington metro area. Full Internet/USENET/FTP/Archie/Gopher access is available through UNIX shell accounts. UUCP, PPP, and SLIP access is also available. The RAH support site makes its UUCP connection thru ClarkNet. ClarkNet is connected to Internet via Sprint's T1 leased line. The modem access number is: (410) 730-9786. ClarkNet has donated a prize package worth $100 to be awarded in a random drawing from all fully completed 1994 RAH Reader Survey responses received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94. The prize package contains: 6 month ClarkNet Basic Internet Service (Internet e-mail and USENET newsgroups only) and a copy of _Connecting to the Internet_ by Susan Estrada. All setup fees and shipping charges are included. Additional prizes may be added as the survey progresses. Any such additional prizes will he announced in future RAH issues. If your organization would like to become a sponsor, contact Dave Bealer for details. (dave_bealer@rah.clark.net; Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129) -------------------%<------- cut here --------->%-------------------- 1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey (Only fully completed survey forms will be eligible for the drawing.) >> Questions about you, the reader: Name:___________________________________________________ Age:_______ Address:_____________________________________________________________ City:_________________________________________ State/Prov:___________ Country:______________________________ Postal Code:_________________ Electronic Address:__________________________________________________ Computer Type/Brand:______________________ Are You GUI(Y/N/Huh)?_____ Modem Brand:________________ Modem Speed:_________ 16550 UART?______ Approximate date (mo/yr) you made your first BBS call:_______________ (enter "N/A" if you haven't done these things) Approximate date (mo/yr) you first used the Internet:________________ >> Questions about your RAH reading habits: I get RAH from: ____ Internet Mailing List ____ FTP Site (specify) ____ BBS/Online System (specify) ____ CD-ROM (specify) ____ Friend ____ File Echo (specify) ____ Other (specify):______________________ Random Access Humor Page 14 June 1994 Name of source:______________________________________________________ Net address/phone number of source:__________________________________ Location of source:__________________________________________________ Number of RAH issues your source carries:____________________________ Number of RAH issues you have read:__________________________________ Have you ever used the Readroom Periodical Reading Door (Y/N)? ______ What Changes/Additional Features would you like to see in RAH? >> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy: (if you have no preference in a particular category, enter "None") Your favorite stand-up comedian:_____________________________________ Your favorite comic actor:___________________________________________ Your favorite comic actress:_________________________________________ Your favorite comedy movie:__________________________________________ Your favorite comedy television show:________________________________ Your favorite humorous novel:________________________________________ Your favorite comic book:____________________________________________ Your favorite humor columnist:_______________________________________ (newspaper or magazine) Surveys may be returned at any time. Surveys that are completed and received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94 will be eligible for a drawing for valuable prizes. -------------------%<------- cut here --------->%-------------------- Return the survey to: Internet: survey94@rah.clark.net FidoNet: Survey94 at 1:261/1129 Random Access Humor Page 15 June 1994 Snailmail: 1994 RAH Reader Survey P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA The results from the humor/comedy preference portion of the survey will be published in the September 1994 issue of RAH, as will the list of winners from the drawing. Please use the survey form from the March or later issues. The form published in the February 1994 issue did not include space for the respondent's postal code. Lack of a postal code could delay the delivery of any prize you might win. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers: For the duration of the 1994 RAH Reader Survey, we'll be providing you with the survey responses of several RAH Writers. This month, the survey responses of Vincent B. Navarino (who owns a mansion and a yacht): Your favorite stand-up comedian: Rowan Atkinson______________________ Your favorite comic actor: John Cleese_______________________________ Your favorite comic actress: Lucille Ball____________________________ Your favorite comedy movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail__________ Your favorite comedy television show: Monty Python's Flying Circus___ Your favorite humorous novel: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_______ Your favorite comic book: Iron Man___________________________________ Your favorite humor columnist: Dave Bealer ...I mean Dave BARRY______ (newspaper or magazine) --------------------------------------------------------------------- RAH Humor Review - Dilbert by Ray Koziel Perhaps you know this person. He has curly hair, is somewhat overweight, and wears wire-rimmed glasses. For reasons unknown the end of his black and red striped tie always tends to curls up into the air. He has become the unsung hero for programmers, technicians, engineers, and scientists in companies across the country. For those of you who are still not sure who it is, it is none other than Dilbert. Created by Scott Adams, Dilbert and his pets Dogbert (who also wears wire-rimmed glasses) and Ratbert have become the voice for the technical worker who is unable to speak out about the dysfunctions of the management and the corporations where they work. An applications engineer at Pacific Bell in California, Adams has used Dilbert as an outlet for himself in dealing with the day to day frustrations and Random Access Humor Page 16 June 1994 aggravations of the workplace. Apparently the comic strip has a similar effect on employees of companies from Apple to Xerox who clip out Dilbert from the paper and post the strips on their doors and cubicles in the hopes that management might see them and get a clue. Dilbert made the nation's newspapers in 1989 and quickly became a hit. He is syndicated in 175 newspapers including the Chicago Tribune, Denver Post, and The Boston Globe. If your local newspaper does not carry Dilbert, never fear, for Scott Adams has published three books with a fourth soon to be released. The titles include _Build_a_ Better_Life_by_Stealing_Office_Supplies_, _How_to_Avoid_Meetings_with _Time-wasting_Morons_, _Dogbert's_Clues_for_the_Clueless_, and _Shave _the_Whales_ (due this spring). So, the next time management rattles your cage, never fear - just get Dilbert! {RAH} -------------- Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in Atlanta. Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense of humor. --------------------------------------------------------------------- COMING SOON TO YOUR AREA! -= Whitewater World =- Just check out these fun and exciting activities: o Twist and spin in The Shredder o Ride the fast and furious Suicidal Scream roller coaster o Get soaked and splashed on the Whitewater Rockin' Rapids o Meet Bill, Hillary, Al, and the rest of the gang at Trooperville, where you can relax from all the exciting rides o Go to the "Safe Guns - Safe Bullets Cafe" and try your luck at the shooting gallery, where you'll face the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Ross Perot, and Ronald Reagan IT'S A WORLD OF SCANDAL NOT A WORLD AWAY! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements and Observations (TCP/IP - 06/01/94) Anne Arundel County Police announced the end of a tense standoff in Pasadena, Maryland today. A 36 year old computer programmer held two cats and several sea gulls hostage in his waterfront townhome. The suspect, identified as David Bealer, was captured by police posing as carpet cleaners. Bealer, whose demands included having his carpets and deck cleaned, was found to be armed Random Access Humor Page 17 June 1994 only with a Salad Shooter. He was charged with "assault with a leafy vegetable" and "making terroristic threats." The terroristic threats apparently involved continuing to publish an electronic magazine, called Random Access Humor, which has been classified as a public mental health hazard. Bealer claimed to be distraught over "sea gulls constantly crapping on his deck and his cats puking on the carpet." - - - The 1994 RAH Reader Survey is still in full swing. We've already received 50% more responses in four months than for the 1993 survey, which has been running for 16 months. There are still thirty days (until June 30, 1994) to respond in time to have your survey entered in the drawing. Interim standings in the "popularity" portion of the survey follow (standings as of 5/29/94): Stand Up Comic: George Carlin has edged in front. Robin Williams and Steven Wright are tied for second. It's still anybody's race. Comic Actor: John Cleese has surged into clear first. Robin Williams and Steve Martin are tied for second. Comic Actress: Whoopi Goldberg remains in first, closely followed by Goldie Hawn. Gilda Radner is in third place. Comedy Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail continues to pull away from the pack, led by Monty Python's Life of Brian. The Naked Gun and Blazing Saddles are tied for third. Comedy Television Program: The fans of Monty Python's Flying Circus have vaulted it from a tie for second to clear first place. Home Improvement is clinging to second place, with M*A*S*H in third. Seinfeld is tied for fourth with The Simpsons. If Home Improvement finishes in the top three I'll have to watch an episode to see what all the fuss is about. Humorous Novel: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, making good use of Infinite Improbability Drive, is running away with this category. In fact, it's still the only book that has received more than one vote. Comic Book: Groo the Wanderer is leading this category by virtue of having received two votes. This category has been dominated by "None" or blank responses. Random Access Humor Page 18 June 1994 Humor Columnist: Dave Barry is running away with this category, having received votes from about 1/3 of all respondents. (Several responses had blank entries in this category, making Dave's ratio of voters in this category more like 1/2.) P. J. O'Rourke remains in second, just ahead of Dave Bealer (please, I'm blushing!). - - - REMINDER: RAH is now being published 10 times per year. There will be no July or August issues this year. The September issue will be released on September 1, 1994. - - - Dave Bealer will be offline during June and July in order to pursue a non-RAH related writing project. It is also hoped that a vacation from RAH will give him some fresh ideas and enthusiasm. The Puffin's Nest will still be operating, but Dave makes no promises as far as responding to mail quickly. Manuscripts for RAH may still be submitted, but they will not be read until August. - - - The deadline for submissions for the September 1994 issue is 08/25/94. --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway Avoid junk mail, get an unlisted zip code! Friends help you move; Real friends help you move bodies. Oh, no, not another learning experience! What do you mean, you formatted the cat? I've GOT it together. You should have seen it APART! Quit worrying about your health, it'll go away. Theatre is life - Film is art - Television is furniture. DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse. This little piggy went to market. He's a shopaholic. C:\COPY A:\DAD\*.DNA+B:\MOM\*.DNA C:\BABY.EXE "You want to be buried or cremated?" "Surprise me." When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Send your spare mice to SOCKS@WHITEHOUSE.GOV I am Kirk of Borg - prepare..to..be..assimilated. Random Access Humor Page 19 June 1994 Hollowpoints - the ultimate in feminine protection. Life is a lemon and I want my money back. If it ain't broke, I can fix it. Better living through alchemy. If at first you don't succeed, well...darn. An intelligent snake is a smart asp. Positive: mistaken at the top of your voice. How can I insert disk #3 when only two will fit? WYMI: the all-philosophy radio station. Quick, send duck tape! My duck is quacked! If this were an actual tagline, you would be laughing now. One of those days? I have one of those lives. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock. When life hands you lemons make Strawberry Daiquiris. Hail Caesar! We who are about to dine salad you. Meddle not in the affairs of wizards, for <>...ribbit. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. How did the fool and his money get together in the first place? An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure. Would you have the grace to discorporate? Used car: not what it's jacked up to be. Human beings were created by water to transport it up hill. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. Friend: someone who likes you even after they know you. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? Join my war on technology...send me a FAX. - Mark Russell FIDO: all the social dynamics of kindergarten. Random Access Humor Page 20 June 1994 Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow. Define (n.) De ting you get for breaking de law. Who was Casper the Friendly Ghost before he died? I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? All generalizations are false, including this one. We've been through so much together and most of it was your fault! Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Phillistines demand David be tested for steroids. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. What were you this time, Odo? The modem? The computer? The TAGLINE! Support Capitol punishment - spank your congressman. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn! Lead me not into temptation, unless there's money involved. Me and you and a Borg named Hugh... Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. Why put off 'til tomorrow what you'll never do anyway? Dumb terminal, eh? Well, kiss my parallel port! Earth: if you love it, leave it. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. I ain't broke but I'm badly bent. Clinical studies show there are no answers. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. Keelhauling is a real bitch on a starship. Hi, my name is Annie Key. Please don't hit me! Random Access Humor Page A-1 June 1994 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Associate Editor: Greg Borek Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel Logo Design: Kelly Price Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis) BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST) Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net greg.borek@rah.clark.net Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA >> Legal Junk << Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September - June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein, the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. RAH may not be posted, in whole or in part, on public conferences. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Random Access Humor Page A-2 June 1994 >> Where to Get RAH << Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists. For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank. RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP: etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH (ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip) ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah (ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT) (ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP) (READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP) >> Writing For RAH << Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches) may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy- right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. Random Access Humor Page A-3 June 1994 In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual) Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST European Gateway: Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 RAH Official Distribution Sites: -= AUSTRALIA =- Northern Territory Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis Victoria The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis -= BELGIUM =- Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Alberta The Darkland BBS Edmonton (NoFido) (403) 486-5835 V.32bis Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 Z19 Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST Random Access Humor Page A-4 June 1994 -= FRANCE =- The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis -= GERMANY =- The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19 -= ICELAND =- The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis -= ITALY =- Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19 -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis -= PORTUGAL =- The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32 -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32 Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida Ruby's Joint Coconut Grove 1:135/373 (305) 856-4897 V.32bis The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Georgia D.W.'s Toolbox Jonesboro 1:133/1719 (404) 471-6636 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Random Access Humor Page A-5 June 1994 Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32 Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32 The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual Michigan Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis Missouri Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:317/100 (505) 865-8385 V.32 Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:317/317 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis New York The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual Particle Board 3 Monroe 1:272/60 (914) 783-2455 V.32 ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST Oklahoma H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Texas Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual Random Access Humor Page A-6 June 1994 Utah Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Virginia Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis West Virginia Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis ===================================================================== Although not official RAH distributors, the following large commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.) Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom) EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom) SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193 Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137