***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 4, 58 ####========================================================#### "Three years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet Editor: mal@sit.sop.fau.edu Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps HOW TO SUBSCRIBE: send a mail message to the HailOtis address saying subscribe me and you will be subscribed. It's easy and painless and it's next to impossible to goof up. ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### Welcome to another exciting issue of Purps. Late as usual (Hail Creiza!) but alas it's there on your desk top or what ever. I'll keep this short because it needs mailing, though I'll probably rant and rave a bit for your edification. First off, I'd like to thank all the folks who sent in submissions. Thank goodness we had some this time! I'd especially like to thank those who sent in original material they composed. This is what Purps needs much more off. Follow the example of the submitters below and you too can find fame and fortune in the mighty archives of Otis. Second off, excuse the bit on Clipper, but it's important. I suppose it has some bearing on Otis seeing as it would be like the one of those alphabet soup government agencies to tap all encrypted Otisian traffic then at a later date decode it for their own greasy means. Like when we wake up one morning and discover that american has been over run by Christians. Anyway I urge and every one of you to express your support for doing away with the silly clipper chip. There are plenty of other solutions that are far better and won't allow the alphabet soup crew to freely read your mail. Also I'd like to welcome all our new subscribers and to thank them for having some patience with us not getting them a new issue all lickity-split as it were. It still astonished me how we constantly have people joining up onto the ranks of Otis. I suppose some would say it has to do with the internet growing. Really it's probably due to the might of Otis growing. Out of ancient Sumeria has come a power. A power that will give the innocent mortal on the net and beyond a chance at salvation. Next time we should have some spam haiku. We're looking for submissions of a poety spammy nature. Submit if you feel so inclined. ####===================================================================#### Miracle of Radium ####===================================================================#### From: jack@cee.hw.ac.uk (Jack Campin) Subject: GLOWING health with the Miracle of Radium!!! Date: Thu, 3 Feb 1994 21:55:24 GMT Spa water containing radium (as found in several places in Central Europe) was believed to be health-giving for a while. The heaviest doses of radium anyone ever took were due to a tonic sold in the US around 1930; an article in Scientific American last year gives the whole gruesome story of what this did to its biggest fan. I once saw an electric radium corset on a stall in a car boot sale here. The idea was that the thing would tingle your skin with electricity and irradiate you at the same time, they were sold as an arthritis treatment. I am glad that my curiosity was not quite strong enough to lead me to buy it. I have since heard that it can cost you a few hundred quid to have them disposed of as radioactive waste; the radium is for real and in a serious quantity, hundreds or thousands of times more than a watch dial. Another gadget from the same era that I did buy last week was one of those gas-discharge-tube electrotherapy machines. They'd make *great* placebos. You plug them into the mains, fit a glass tube into the bakelite handle, and turn up the power till it glows purple. When you bring it close to your skin you get a trail of red sparks from the glass and a slight tingling sensation. ####===================================================================#### The Pope has Moved ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 15:32:27 -0800 (PST) From: Pope Jephe Subject: THE POPE HAS MOVED!!!! THE POPE HAS MOVED!!!! Hi-de-o, Loyal OTISians, Rubber Chicken Photographers, Editors, Nuncios, Archbishops, Saints and the Utterly Indescribable: I've moved. Pope Jephe I of the IGHF, Jeff Stevens, Editor of the OD, Co-Editor of the "Liber Otiosus", Rubber Chicken Distributer, and YOUR POPE, DAMNIT, is now located at: ighf@netcom.com It's cheaper than the World and less crowded, cheaper even than the place in Bedford many of you thought I might end up. Please memorize this message and eat it. Please eat this message and memorize it. There will be a test. ####===================================================================#### Neuropsychology can be fun... ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 26 Feb 94 21:06:16 EST From: buglady@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (Aliza R. Panitz) Subject: Neuropsychology can be fun... (FWD) > Date: Sat, 26 Feb 94 2:07:03 EST > From: David > To: elbows@mc.lcs.mit.edu From a case report in the _Journal of Clinical and Experimental Neuropsychology_: "Initially cooperative with testing, Mr. S became increasingly impulsive, jocular, and disinhibited as the session progressed. He asked the examiner for a date, tapped rhythmic patterns for the Finger-Tapping Test, drew smiling faces on test forms, sang, and defined the word `tirade' by demonstration." ####===================================================================#### Christian Home Educators Association ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 23 Feb 94 12:46:00 CST From: LindaHedges Subject: recent mail gem PJI, Found this gem in my mailbox. Couldn't possibly make this up. It's another case of real life being stranger than fiction. The Wisconsin Christian Home Educators Association is having their 47th annual spring convention March 25-26, 1994 in Watertown, WI. There are about 4 dozen mini-workshops to choose from. Topics range from teaching math to workable science projects; from teen temper-how to handle anger to preparing your child for college. All good home eduction basics. Then there are the specialty subjects including Rock & Roll Voodoo, part 1 and part 2. The description of this workshop reads " Satan is using rock music as a powerful tool. This workshop discusses the 7 major demonic principalities that were released from rock and roll music". And of course, "How to communicate Biblically". Then there is my personal favorite, a special 3 part workshop just for women. 1. Find your position - "Part 1 of a 3 part series for women. Much of the conflict in our homeschools is due to the fact that each family member is out of position." 2. Assume your position. 3. Maintain your position. I don't know about you, but I have this overwhelming urge to embroider these three phrases on a dishtowel and hang it up in my kitchen. I think I've found my slogan for 1994. Find your position. Assume your position. Maintain your position. ####===================================================================#### Otis Elevators ####===================================================================#### Otis Elevator Co.: Managing the Service Force 9-191-213 Revised 10/21/92 Cash JI Jr, O'Neil J, Ostrofsky K Continues the story of Otisline by examining the field service force organization, information systems, organizational systems, and control systems. Portable terminals, hand-held radios, and other portable technologies are discussed as methods to transform the service force. Three cities are used as example organization forms. The objective is to present the interaction and mutual adaptation of the MIS organization and control systems - when any of these is changed, the others must also be changed. SETTING: Connecticut, Dallas, Boston, LA, service, elevator, manufacturing, 1991 SUBJECTS: Communication Equipment, Communication Process, Information Systems, Service Management LENGTH: 18p Harvard To order for HBS Case Materials, call (617) 495-6117 (Source Code 264A) ####===================================================================#### Flying Cows ####===================================================================#### From: kendall.bullen@his.com (Kendall Bullen) Subject: Flying cow injures woman! Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1993 02:56:24 Flying cow injures woman BRULE, Wis. (Dec. 28) UPI - A northern Wisconsin woman was recovering Tuesday from injuries she suffered when she was hit by a flying cow. Violet Wentela, 72, was moving one of her beef cows off the road Sunday when it was hit by a car, became airborne and hit Wentela before coming to rest in a ditch on the other side of the road. Wentela was taken by ambulance to a Duluth, Minn., hospital where she was treated for bumps and bruises and held overnight for observation. State Patrol Trooper Mike Brostowitz said the car that hit the cow sustained about $2,000 damage. He said the cow weighed nearly 600 pounds. Wentela is expected to recover fully from her injuries but the cow was not so lucky. ####===================================================================#### Admission Essay ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 28 Jan 1994 16:37:46 EST From: "I'm not dumb, I just have a command of thoroughly useless information. -Calvin [and Hobbes]" Subject: Nice admissions essay... From: MX%"aephilli@acpub.duke.edu" 28-JAN-1994 11:42:43.68 _______________________________________________________________________ This is an essay by a student at NYU (Hugh Gallagher) in response to the application question below: 3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up several inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several cover operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. ####===================================================================#### the Bobbitt phenomenon ####===================================================================#### From: twcaps@tennyson.lbl.gov (Terry Chan) Subject: Short Cuts Date: 25 Jan 1994 19:17:03 GMT In the January 20, 1994 issue of the Internet mailing list, _China News Digest_, we find an interesting report of a reported version of the Bobbitt phenomenon. _From: DaLuo Jia Source: Agence France Presse English Wire Date: 01/18/94 BEIJING -- Fortune-telling is enjoying a renaissance in China, much to the annoyance of the government and the horror of one man who was castrated by his wife after a palmist told her it would save their marriage. The People's Daily ran a stinging commentary Tuesday, decrying the reappearance in Chinese cities of numerous fortune-tellers who "are completely out of place in modern-day China." Calling on the authorities to "strongly combat" the phenomenon, the official communist party organ said fortune telling merely "propagates feudal superstitions and negative feelings of fatalism." The newspaper's warnings of the dangers of superstition would certainly enjoy the backing of Zhang Jingui, a peasant from the northeastern Chinese province of Heilongjiang whose wife had consulted a palmist to ask for advice on their disintegrating marriage. According to the Heilongjiang Legal Daily dated January 15 and seen here Tuesday, the palmist told Zhang's wife that cutting of her husband's penis and allowing it to grow back would restore their relationship to its previous happy state. She promptly returned to her husband, got him drunk and cut his penis in two with a pair of scissors, the newspaper said, adding that Zhang nearly died from loss of blood. The same newspaper also highlighted the case last year of another man from Heilongjiang, Yang Jinjin, who was told by a fortune teller that his wife's long illness was being caused by the presence of his 78-year-old mother in their house. Yang dutifully strangled his mother to save his wife who died a week later from what was then diagnosed as hepatitis. Feudal superstition is among the "six vices" targeted by the Chinese authorities, along with prostitution, gambling, selling of women and children, drug trafficking and abuse, and pornography. ####===================================================================#### Hydrogen Beer ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 13:20:05 -0700 From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson) Subject: the flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer From: Scott Weikart Sender: scott@igc.apc.org Subject: Tie up the curtains, it's Suiso Time TOKYO (AP) -- Here in the chic pubs of the Aoyama district, the latest fad inspired by beer makers struggling through a sluggish economy is the flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer. The latest craze among the environmentally conscious crowd of twentysomethings, the "Suiso" beer made by the Asaka Beer Corporation has been extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques. Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer. The drink comes in a transparent hexagonal bottle imported from the maker of the new American drink "Zima," according to Hideki Saito, marketing director of Asaka Beer Corp. While the bottles are imported from Tennessee, the labels are made with a 100% biodegradable polymer. The bottle caps are equipped with a safety valve to prevent excess build-up of pressure in high temperatures. The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests took place in pubs everywhere in Tokyo on New Year's eve. So far, Asaka beer has insisted that the quantities of hydrogen used in the drinks is too low to create potential for bodily harm. In the factory, the carbon dioxide that is dissolved in the beer is partially extracted and replaced with hydrogen gas. Mr. Saito maintained that the remaining carbon dioxide mixed with hydrogen prevents the rate of combustion from increasing dramatically. Carbon dioxide is a nonflammable gas that is naturally contained in the exhaled breath of humans. However, the company has hesitated from marketing the product in the US due to legal complications. Each bottle of Suiso beer sells for approximately 1,200 yen, or eleven US dollars. The bottles are packed in special crates lined with concrete to prevent chain explosions in the event of a fire. ####===================================================================#### News of the Weird ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 20:33:02 EST From: "I have measured out my life in Post-It Notes..." Subject: submiyt! From: MX%"gtd176a@prism.gatech.edu" 4-FEB-1994 15:02:14.83 Subj: News of the Weird (Once Again!!) LACK OF COMPETENCE: In Labouchere Bay, Alaska, in November, Cairl D. Cothren, 50, accidentally shot himself in the shoulder with the shotgun he was holding between his knees in the cab of a truck when he leaned over to spit tobacco juice into a can on the floor. LEAST JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE: Jacqueline Clinton, 29, was found guilty of manslaughter in Toledo, Ohio, in January in the shooting of her boyfriend. According to her, the shooting occurred during an argument over differing interpretations of the Bible. TREASURED AGENCY: The Austin American-Statesman reported in December that Texas Treasurer Martha Whitehead had hired a psychologist, for $1000, to council several employees of her office who were despondent about Whitehead's recommendation to abolish her agency. GO FIGURE: In recently released Department of Energy records, noted in U.S. News & World Report, the amount of plutonium now in the U.S. stockpile was declassified and made public, but the amount of plutonium in the stockpile 10 years ago remains classified. REALLY HUMAN: The protection against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation in Cincinnati's new human rights ordinance was repealed in November 1993. However, the ordinance has the nation's only provision forbidding discrimination against "Appalachian Americans." SAVED: According to a recent note in the British medical journal The Lancet, a amn attempting suicide in England was rescued after he had spent more than an hour inhaling automobile exhaust fumes. Doctors attributed his survival to the relatively low carbon monoxide content of the exhaust -- due to new catalytic converter standards in Europe. PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE: A December Associated Press dispatch from Australia reported that members of Parliament traditionally address one another much more aggressively than members of Congress do in the United States. Among the names recently overheard on the floor of the Parliament: perfumed gigolo, brain-damage, harlot, sleazebag, scumbag, mental patient, and dog's vomit. CHARGING ONWARD: In December, FBI agent John Wellman was fined $1000 for an October incident in which he was charged with disobeying traffic signs in Keokuk County, Iowa. While trying to locate a man in an investigation, Wellman ignored the directions of a construction crew to drive along the shoulder of the road and instead circumvented the barricades and continued to drive on the pavement. Minutes later, he drove his car into 6 inches of freshly poured cement set out to resurface the road, resulting in a $70,000 expense to the state. PIG STUFF: The North Carolina Legislature recently voted $170,000 for Swine Odor Task Force, whose members will report back in 1995 with recommends on ways to reduce the smell from pig farms. A task-force paper rejected making measurements by machine, claiming "the human nose is the primary element in most attempts to gauge odor." ####===================================================================#### Where are you ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 19 Jan 1994 19:15:30 -0500 (EST) From: Marcus Eubanks Subject: wheeeeere arrrre yooooooo? >I miss my Purps. Has Otis in his inestimable wisdom and grandeur seen fit >to remove me from the magical distribution list? Now why would Otis do a silly thing like that? Just because a few months ago the distribution list didn't work right... Rumor has it that being on the Otisian Distribution list is similar in many ways to Christian Baptism. Once you have it you can't wash it off. If you sin you'll end up in one of the nastier burgs of Hell in stead of fooling about with the Virtuous Pagans. >Is the world coming to an end? Yes. Otisian Dogma tells us so. It's called Ragnarock sometimes. Other times it is known as "the time they pull the plug on the great Reality Projector" It is also known by other names as well but many of these are secret and only can be mentioned in print as T. B. F. for example. Keep in mind though that Otisian Dogma further goes on to explain that the Chosen of Otis. (That's you getting this no doubt) will be saved and live on after the end of the world in a paradise of sorts filled with the Paisley Wonders of Heethor. Ghastly clashing oddly colored Robes of Otis will be available to all and maybe they'll even be a few seminars on what Otis is really about. >Have I in some fashion offended any of the gods? It's very hard to offend the gods Fashion wise except by Wearing Plaid. Still this only offends Heethor and not some of the other gods. Still the Paisley Goddess is not one to trifle with. >What vile reprehensible crime have I committed to be punished thus? When was the last time you obeyed the important 4th commandment? >Can I possibly atone? See previous answer. Avoid plaid. Wear Paisley. Avoid thoughts of the Brown Bucket Heresy. Never send in your $20. Wear Chucks the sacred foot gear of the Gods. Submit to Purps lord knows we need stuff. >Have I been insufficiently silly of late? If you still have your job and all your friends and a relative or two who call you their own, no doubt you've been insufficient in that area. > Is it because of my chronically poor spelling? Definitely not. This is a tribute to the God(dess) Creiza. If you excel at this enough there's a possibility for a scholarship from the Daughters of Creiza. >Do the spiffy new paisley boxer-shorts that my mom got me for christmas >reveal that I am a base character deep at heart? Of course not. See above. Your mother is just claiming to have bought you those boxer shorts. She refuses to admit the fact that they mysteriously appeared on Heethormas eve. (If you received a gift from the Divine Paisley Goddess surely you must have been doing something right.) >Pleeeze o pleeeze do not continue to torture me. I, a poor decrepit >medical student (there's nothing in the world lower than a medical student) >humbly beg your indulgence. Take up Faith healing. Otis could use more of those. Medical school is a dead end where your mind is chained along certain illogical paths of thought. >Send me a new Purps. Ain't this one? > Bring Joy back into my life. The knowledge that you are one of the herd of Otis should be joy enough for anyone. Your heart should swell knowing divine forces watch over you each and every day. > (Or hell, bring Bessy-Sue or Maria or any of the others back into my >life. I'm not picky.) Write the IGHF. They can fix you up with the appropriate incantations to take care of this. > Brighten my dull and mundane day. Your days are never dull when you bask in the illuminating light of Otis. >Give me cause for rejoicing. Rejoice the dough has risen... Oops that's something else... What I meant to say is you've found Otis. Rejoice in that. Rejoice in the fact you're in medical school and get to muck about in bowels guts and spleens to your heart's content. Rejoice to the fact that former presidents do not live in your neighborhood. >Make me a gladder individual. You are receiving personal guidance here me bucko what more could make you gladder? > Help me to self-actualize. Send to IGHF for the course catalog. I'm sure they can fix you up with the appropriate course or seminar. "Do you want to be self-actualized? Sure we all do..." > Enhance my ability to know that, "I'm okay!" Render me more pro-active. >Grant me the boon of "happy feet." (Guilty feet have got no rhythm, you >know...) Grant me the courage to believe in an after-birth. All these and more can be answered though initiation into the higher mysteries of Otis. Forge ahead toward higher illumination. Contact the Pope and schedule an appointment. No need to bring an apron they can supply all you want. >I need a Purps. And I need to finish ending Purps. >Marcus Eubanks n3etr | > | "poor impulse control..." ####===================================================================#### Gopher Sacking ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 21 Jan 1994 16:40:04 -0600 From: David Iverson Subject: Love Boat Congressman From: holli005@maroon.tc.umn.edu (Anne B Hollister-2) Subject: Gopher Date: Wed, 19 Jan 1994 18:18:51 GMT Preface: As some of you may know, Gopher of Love Boat fame (a.k.a. Fred Grandy) is a member of the U.S. House of Representatives, and he represents a district in northwest Iowa. Well, a FOAF was working as a page at the Capitol. She says another page was working the elevators one day when Gopher got on. Instead of asking what floor Gopher wanted, the page said, "Fiesta Deck??" Gopher was extremely pissed and had the page fired. ####===================================================================#### Elvis the AntiChrist? Yeah Right ####===================================================================#### [Once again the forces of the AntiChrist out out gunning for Elvis. The world will be sorry when he rises up one day from 10,000 leagues beneath the sea and does battle with the forces of the AntiChrist] From: churchyh@sneezy.cc.utexas.edu (Henry Churchyard) Subject: Re: ELVIS IS THE ANTICHRIST! BEWARE OF THE RETURN OF ELVIS! Date: 28 Jan 1994 17:21:01 -0600 In article <095302Z27011994@anon.penet.fi>, wrote: There has been speculation recently that Elvis Presley is going to come out of hiding and present himself to the world. Some people claim that Elvis is the Messiah, the Second Coming, and that he brings with him the Word of the Lord. When he arrives, people are going to bow down and worship him, and to accept his word as their holy scripture. They are going to claim that the Thousand Year Reign of Christ has begun. That is false, a dangerous, deadly mistake. Elvis Presley is NOT the Messiah. Elvis is the Antichrist. When Elvis comes, the SEVEN YEARS of TRIBULATION will begin. All those who turn away from the TRUE PATH of Christianity and follow the false Messiah will be DAMNED. DO NOT ACCEPT THE FALSE MESSIAH "ELVIS PRESLEY" INTO YOUR HEARTS! REPENT AND FOLLOW THE TRUE PATH, THE PATH OF JESUS! ####===================================================================#### Britain's latest Craze! ####===================================================================#### Sender: "P.Harris" Subject: Kinky Sex, Britain's latest craze ! A snippet from the latest Fortean Times. By the way, they now have an Email address, ie. bobR@forteana.win-uk.net Certain people have very odd ways of assuaging their passion, the man who loved pavements: (picture of Karl Watkins here) Karl Watkins, 20, is seen here during his trial at Hereford Crown Court in February 1993 on five counts of outraging public decency. Watkins claimed it was a case of mistaken identity, but he was identified many times as the man found face down on sidewalks with his pants around his ankles. One boy told of seeing Watkins' bare bum "moving up and down" while a mother said she was shocked to see a crowd of children around him. Watkins, of Redditch in Worcestershire, who even attempted to mount an underpass, was jailed for 18 months. Sun, 19 Feb; D.Mirror 20 April 1993. AUTO-EROTICISM A shy 20-year-old student called 'George' was erotically obsessed with his Austin Metro. He lived at home with his strictly religious parents, had no sexual experience of women at all, but began to develop feelings for his car. He fantasised about other Metros he'd seen, but his own was special and photos of it adorned his bedroom. Its front reminded him of a smiling child, and its rear end aroused him. He would seek out quiet places where the two of them could be alone. Described as "confused but happy", George would crouch down by its smoking exhaust pipe and masturbate. Independent, 7 Dec 1992. Eventually, George was sent for treatment at London's Institute of Psychiatry, and was the subject of a paper in the journal Sexual and Marital Therapy (Dec 1992). Before his car fetish, George was 'preoccupied' by women, children and dogs urinating. He was treated by a technique known as 'orgasmic reconditioning' - he'd masturbate looking at pictures of cars and then switch at the last moment to pictures of women. He was also taught to picture himself masturbating in his Metro and then imagine his father catching him in the act. Drs Amanda Permet and Padmal de Silva say that George now thinks more about women, but "he has retained a strong interest in Metros which we have not yet been able to modify." They stressed that George was an unusual case, though this did not reassure Helen Fielding. Writing in the Sunday Times (13 Dec 1992), she points to a large body of knowledge about the sexual relationship between man and car, and quotes Auden: "Love requires an object / anything will do / When I was a child, I loved a pumping engine / thought it every bit as beautiful as you." Beyond that, Fielding blames modern advertising that extolled cars and computers as love objects. THE THRILL OF THE CHASE Shoplifter Julie Amiri told Chichester Crown Court that she could only achieve orgasm by being chased through the streets by police cars or store detectives and being locked in a cell. "It turns me on. I love the uniforms, the chase and the flashing blue lights." A psychiatrist specialising in shoplifting confirmed that Amiri suffered from a disorder which compelled her to steal to gain attention. Amiri, a 35-year-old divorcee, said she had her first orgasm in the back of a police car when she was 28, and found it hard not to think of the association. Sussex Eve. Argus, 9 June 1993. LOVE HURTS An unnamed American would habitually shoot himself while sexually aroused. He wore a bulletproof vest, but sometimes it was not enough to prevent fairly serious wounding. After medical treatment on several such occasions, the man was ordered into therapy. Dr Mark Schwartz, writing in that renowned medical magazine Vanity Fair (Nov 1992), said: "He kept using less protection to get his kicks because he was building up a tolerance." I'M BROWN, PIE ME! The prize for Oddest Urge should be split between two men in Brenda Love's Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices (1992). 'Pieface Brown' got his girlfriend to pie him at the point of ejaculation. She could only take so much after which Pieface gatecrashed social functions, inviting women to tarte him up while he videoed it... However, Pieface is outshone by the soldier who swallowed Barbie dolls' heads at the critical moment. Love claims to have seen an X-ray of six heads in his intestine, and said: "He re-uses the dolls' domes after a good boiling." MAKING HISTORY There may be historical significance in all this. Just before fire demolished part of Windsor Castle, a caretaker there was arrested for performing an undisclosed sex act with a jar of Bovril in the very chapel in which the conflagration started. Sun, 5 Sept 1992. ####===================================================================#### The Mighty Lungfish ####===================================================================#### >Date: 17 Feb 94 16:02:07 GMT-1100 >From: "Av." >Subject: Lungfish >Doesn't it warm the cockles of your heart to know that there's an >entire ecological niche filled in by a big brown ugly fish that sits >in the bottom of a puddle and eats detritis? Makes you think that >the world was designed by someone with a very very warped sense of >humour. That would probably be Spode then. He's known for his sense of humor. Those who've been the butt of his jokes one too many times often prepend the word humor with "warped". The lungfish itself is a very Otis oriented creature. Let's examine it closely and see what we can find. First off Muddy the Mud Skipper from the Ren and Stimpy show is a LungFish. We all know though past issues of Purps and from our basic initiations into Otis what exactly are the ties to the Otisians and those creators of Ren and Stimpy. They've managed to single handedly bring to the forefront of American culture the plight of the yak. They've elevated Yak Shaving day from an obscure Holiday to one of the major events of the year. Yaks play important and crutial roles in almost every episode. Remarkably enough to our critics not a single scene involves yaks contains the dread Yak tossing. That unspeakable practice no one dares talk about nor contemplate. Personally banned by the great god Otis herself who appeared to the Pope in the from of a great whirl wind of recycled newspaper and decreed "Yak tossing is right out!" Now Muddy in the show elevated itself from a simple woodland creature into a major t.v. personality idolized by millions if not billions of people around the planet. This shows the world, and especially us Otisians how even the most simple, ugly and innocent thing can though illumination and timely payments be elevated to that of an almost minor deity (of course actually claiming such powers could get poor Muddy struck down by a Purple Thunderbolt...) If we examine the episode where Stimpy is taken by the arm and lead to stardom by Muddy we can see yet more important symbolism. Here Muddy, the simple LungFish who by his own boot straps elevated himself to near divineness (read Illumination), takes time out of his life and helps elevate poor Stimpy to the same lofty height. Take careful note of the use of Kitty Litter in this episode. It stands for the sands of the Gobi desert which hides the great ancients secrets of Otis. At one point Stimpy in fact attempts to bathe in this Gobi sand. In other episodes it is eaten and used for various other purposes, all having to do the eventual end of intaking the Gobi sands into ones body, as one assimilates the ancient Knowledge of Otis. In many ways Muddy the Lungfish can be viewed in a similar light to Doc Savage, though Muddy's actions and episodes tend to be far less lucid when it comes to Otisian wisdom. Second we can look at the symbol of the LungFish itself. A fish with lungs? What a strange concept. A fish lives in water yet attempts to move onto land with its lungs, much in the same way as an ordinary mortal in her ordinary existence move through their life making and endless serious of quantum choices. Life is like water. In fact water in some senses is the symbol of life, though in other cases it can mean different things. Take the Jonah and the Whale for example. So here we have a person leading an ordinary life in a thick heavy liquid (water). The thickness causes slowness and sluggishness it coats the brain and obscures thought much as ordinary life does. So the LungFish seeking to better itself, attempts to breath air. The wisdom of Otis perhaps. A lighter fluid. In fact the LungFish attempts to move to a different reality totally. To a higher plain of being. Again much like an ordinary mortal who learns the true word of Otis attempts to do. This same water-to-air concept can be found in the teachings of the Solar Word where one moves from a planet material existence to a lighter thinner existence among the stars where ones body becomes the pure energy of thought. Another characteristic of the LungFish worth mentioning is it's ability to wrap itself in a coat of mud and lie dormant for a year or a 100 years until the time is right when it can emerge and live again. Here we see the classic death/rebirth cycle everyone is familiar with. Also we see the basic survival instinct which has allowed the Otisians to continue on as long as they have. During hard times the follows of Otis, much like the LungFish, adapt themselves for a long wait until times become better. Truly one can see that the LungFish is a animal worthy of contemplation for meditation. No doubt with a little thought on the part of the initiate other secrets can be teased out of this be-lunged fish. ####===================================================================#### CLIPPER CHIP ####===================================================================#### Washington, DC February 15, 1994 Computer Professionals for Social Responsibility (CPSR) OVER 10,000 SIGN PETITION TO OPPOSE CLIPPER In only two weeks, over 10,000 users of the nation's computer networks have signed the CPSR petition calling for President Clinton to withdraw the Clipper proposal. Opposition has been widespread, from CEOs of large firms to college students in small towns, from librarians and civil libertarians to computer programmers and product marketers. To sign the petition, email with the message "I Oppose Clipper" Encourage friends to sign. In 1990, over 30,000 people sent email message to Lotus asking that a product containing detailed personal information called "Marketplace" be withdrawn. Eventually Lotus withdrew the product. CPSR is a non-profit, membership organization based in Palo Alto, CA. CPSR's mission is to provide analysis of the effects of new technological developments on society. For more information, please email cpsr@cpsr.org or call 415-322-3778. ####===================================================================#### Another Artifact Found ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 12 Feb 94 09:11:40 -0500 From: A.J. Janschewitz Subject: ANOTHER ARTIFACT FOUND!!! Hail OTIS, I believe I've stumbled upon another Sacred Object! It was discovered among the ruins of a radio station that had been shelled by bad ratings (Hail BROW). To describe it would be a disservice. It will be on its way up to the IGHF upon my digging out of this snow. ==a.j.== p.s... the chicken sends her regards; she's having a great time. She's been invited to ride along (on the blade) with a town plow in Wallingford, CT, by the town Director of Public Works. Photos will follow. ####===================================================================#### A New Saint ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 11 Feb 1994 20:25:11 -0800 (PST) From: Jeff Stevens Subject: D'accord. I give. Fawn F. Fritter, or whatever your name is, for finding the Pope cheap access to the flume o' lectronic comminucations known as the Internet, this Pope declares you to be the living St. of Frugality. PJI ####===================================================================#### A Letter ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 22:38:54 -0500 (EST) From: Marcus Eubanks Subject: Joy supreme! O rapture! Hail Otis! To our beloved Pope and other esteemed worthies, from your humble and hebephrenic servant, on this, the regularly irregular festival of the migration of the baby-beerlings, greetings. It is with great joy that I hear news from our brothers in other lands of our Pope's transmigration. Already, new light suffuses the previously dull domain of netcom.com. I join our rapidly multiplying throng of brothers, sisters and siblings of undecided or confused gender in glad song celebrating of this welcome event. Praise be to our Pope, and may strange objects of dubious utility be bestowed upon his house! O stellar day for netcom that he judged their realm and found it not wanting. May they who do there dwell be granted the grace to acknowlge the grace bestowed upon them, and not transgress. And, if it be his will, may he intercede with the strange quaternity on my behalf, that I may be granted passing grade on Thursday's psych exam, though the faculty thereof, renowned for setting ludicrously difficult tests that would render even a board-certified shrink wet about the crotch of her, his or its britches, try to thwart my righteousness in the ways of Otis. Yours in Otis, ####===================================================================#### Satan ####===================================================================#### Date: Sun, 6 Feb 1994 15:12:06 -1812 From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson) Subject: Satan? Date: Fri, 4 Feb 94 14:20:27 +0000 From: "dhan (Dan Shoop)" Subject: Satan? From Bits and Bytes: => SUBJECT: SATAN CLAUS! Parents in Grand Saline, Texas, removed a picture of Santa Claus from a school because the letters in "Santa" can be rearranged to spell "Satan". This caused Esquire to note that the letters in "Grand Saline, Texas" can be re-ordered to spell "Grand Anal Sex Site". (SOURCE: Unplastic News) ####===================================================================#### Nirvana: the Partridge Family of 1994? ####===================================================================#### Sender: dm745@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Rodney E. Griffith) Subject: Nirvana: the Partridge Family of 1994? This piece was written utilizing a Lettermanesque/Dennis Miller style. It's not really finished and I'm unsure if it will be - too many weak links, not enough uncircumstantial evidence. It's an excerise more than anything but I hope you find it at least moderately amusing. Rodney Comparisons between The Partridge Family and Nirvana: THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Had a string of catchy, yet commercially-contrived hit records NIRVANA: Wait. That was the Nirvana description. THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Danny Bonaduce arrested for altercation with transvestite prostitute NIRVANA: Kurdt Cobain married to Courtney Love THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Wore tacky plaid clothing and bellbottoms NIRVANA: Wear flannel shirts and bellbottoms THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Recordings largely the work of studio musicians NIRVANA: Recordings largely the work of CIA conspiracy THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Presented squeaky clean "just say no" image NIRVANA: Kurdt Cobain developed NyQuil and Heroin highball as flu cure THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: David Cassidy posed nude for _Rolling Stone_ NIRVANA: Firebombed Canadian adult bookstore THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Laurie Partidge prone to make sarcastic remarks at Keith's expense NIRVANA: Prone to stage catfights with Axl Rose THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Used dated 1970s pop-art graphics on record sleeves NIRVANA: Use dated 1970s pop-art graphics on record sleeves THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Epitomy of bad hairstyling NIRVANA: Part of "grunge" scene THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Based on the Cowsills NIRVANA: Based on a million forgotten late 1970s bands =========================================================================== A Rain of Fish =========================================================================== [Here again we see the symbolism of the Fish.] Date: Fri, 4 Mar 94 15:16:33 EST From: buglady@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (Aliza R. Panitz) DARWIN, Australia (AP) -- Small fish have been found flapping about in parking lots and on roads after rainfalls in the desert Outback, puzzling tourists and residents. But a zoologist said Tuesday there was a scientific explanation for reports it was ``raining fish'' at the town of Dunmarra. ``The heavy rain triggers off eggs, that are in a dormant stage, to hatch and the fish just seem to appear,'' said Beryl Morris, a zoologist with the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization, the federal science agency. Adele Liebelt, the owner of Dunmarra Wayside Inn, about 370 miles south of Darwin, said Tuesday that hundreds of small fish had appeared near her premises. ``The first time it happened last week, they were everywhere. They're only little fish, so the birds take them away,'' said Liebelt, who owns the inn with her husband. Hundreds of the fish, between 3/4 inch and 2 inches long, were found in the inn's parking lot, leaving tourists travelling the north-south Stuart Highway ``quite amazed,'' she said. ``We've got no idea where they came from,'' Liebelt said. She said the area had experienced heavy rains in February. Morris said many varieties of fish had adapted themselves to survive in harsh desert conditions and their eggs could lie dormant for more than a year. ``The eggs can be carried quite long distances by the wind, so when people tell you about raining fish, it's not the fact that the eggs are hatching in the air or the clouds. =========================================================================== Transcontinental Translations =========================================================================== Date: Thu, 3 Mar 1994 20:29:54 HKT From: LBSPODIC%USTHK.bitnet@mitvma.mit.edu Subject: FWD: Transcontinental Translations Date: 19 Dec 1993 02:28:48 +0800 From: dekai@cs.ust.hk (Dr. Dekai Wu) Subject: Transcontinental Translations Notes from Ellen Rabkin Transcontinental Translations East Coast West Coast ---------- ---------- absolutely not maybe yes maybe action item by Feb 12 for joe Joe's working on the problem bozo subcontractor pencil-neck strategic partner brawl design review dictator facilitator do it and do it now can you sign up for this action item? do it right or you're fired I'm confident you'll get it done f*ck off trust me follow the spec is there a spec? get out of my office let's get consensus on this one he's a jerk he's not signed on to our plan he's a subordinate he's a team player I'll cover your ass consider me your resource ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed local bar offsite facility meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline oh sh*t thanks for bringing that to my attention overdesigned robust punch his lights out constructive confrontation shut the f*ck up thank you for your input shut up a minute let me share this with you that's totally incompetent let me build on that point unemployed consulting/contractor over budget on schedule under budget we haven't started yet we finished early (no translation available) we're done how do you feel about that? what's your problem? I certainly understand your feelings where's the spec? what's a spec? where's the schedule? what's the game plan? your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan ####===================================================================#### THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ####===================================================================#### --Subink 1994