***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 4, 53 ####========================================================#### "Three years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### I know what you're thinking: "Gosh bloody well took long enough..." Well this time I have a real excuse. It's September. The month of trial and tribulation for the Editor. Lord knows why but the state of Florida has decreed that I must atone for a life time of sins each September. For example, it was discovered that the editor was driving a FLYING BOMB. At any moment it could have burst into a fire ball of flame. "What the heck is he talking about," you wonder. Well, actually, there was a hole in the gas tank. A honking big hole the hemorrhaged gas all over the place. The car could be tracked all over town by its trail of dripping death. People would give it a wide berth because it smelled like a malatov cocktail. (At least it no longer needed an air freshner. Nothing could have hid the over powering smell of gas.) Now get this. The hole was on the TOP of the tank. Yes the TOP. How the hell did it get there? The top of the tank is below the trunk. This means you have to go throw two or three layers of steel (well rust okay I'll give it that.) Was this yet another attempt on the editors life? Are once again the forces of the AntiChrist on the prowl? (Okay so the car has more holes in it than those used drug boats Elvis is always buying at government auction.) What sort of insidious weapon could have punched a hole in the gas tank and left no other visible signs? Only an insidious orbiting laser beam platform and we all know who's got a few of those laying around. You know the ones, THEM. No not the cattle mutilators. No not the guys in the black helicopters. Them. The hurricane makers. The ones who make dry up perfectly full containers of roll on deodorant on a lark. I've probably spoken out of turn there so I should stop. No need to give our humble viewers a case of the whim-whams. The other excuse beside it being September, was Purps is finally on the internet for real. We have two nodes at the moment with full blow internet access. We are trying to switch purps over to a listserver. This means no more slow mail. Lord knows what else this means, vague murmurs of muds and such for example. Preach-O-Rama's and of course a total absence of virtual yak tossing. That's simply out. [By the way all the old addresses work and are probably still preferred for the moment. The editors have always found a certain charm in doing the computer stuff by hand so the listserver will mostly be to send out masses of mail fast.] So basically if you look closely you should see that this issue is coming from something like hailotis@sit.sop.fau.edu and sort of leapt into your lap with a sonic boom instead of oozing into your account like creeping damp. It's an experiment too so if you get 10 copies of these or only 1/2 it's not my fault. It's a computer error and you can shake your fist at the sky and shout obscenities at THEM. Now that I've taken care of why this issue is so late and how you should rejoice we need to move onto another grimmer topic. That topic we must face, like a bad hair day is none other than LACK OF ATTENDANCE AT PREACH-O-RAMAS! Come on folks! This is IRC! Everyone and their yak does IRC. At least 1000 people are on there at a time. Most of these people have never heard of Otis. A Preach-O-Rama is a time to spread the world of Otis to the masses. It's also a fantastic time to sit down and get to know the church elders. You can watch them discuss intimate details of their personal lives right in front of your noses. Learn how to boil spaghetti perfectly ever time. Discover exactly how many word searches the average Polish scientist does in a single day at the lab. Thrill to the secrets passed along about the obscure customs of Japanese tourists. And most of all, discover the condition of poor Arch Bis Chad after that terrible accident with the Pope's bicycle pump. Seriously PREACH-O-RAMAS are a whole heck of a lot of fun. A lot of new Otisian dogma is discovered there. It's your chance to surf with the big boys and end up inside an issue of purps. It's almost like submitting things. Anyway, there will be another PREACH-O-RAMA Sunday the 26 at 2:00 Eastern Standard Time. It's on channel #OTIS. Why not join in on the fun? [Was that a good enough chastisement oh mighty Pope?] Oh by the third elbow of Juan Botton the Elder! I almost forgot. Take a look at the top of this issue. Notice the Volume number? Yes this is the start of the 4th year of the Purple Thunder Bolt of Spode! We've been going 3 years already and it's only gotten better and better. How many other journals of this nature have been going on for this long? [Look for our upcoming listing in a random house book publication.] You should all swell up with pride at the mere fact we've managed to be around this long and still be going as strongly as ever. [Yeah yeah I know. It should be a special issue, but this is what you get. Sorry. Maybe we can make the next one be more special.] A quick history. For about the first year of Purps, it was run out of Kenyon College by the Noble Pope himself. Then he graduated and Mal took over editorship. Mal has been editing it ever since. Back in those days there were maybe 50 or 60 subscribers, most of them from Kenyon. Now a days we have over 200. I can't give an accurate figure because the subscription list and the number of copies distributed are not the same. A single issue mailed out by HailOtis might be mailed out 10 or so times by one of those addresses. This whole Purps has always astonished me considered we have no real official sanction by anyone. It just tends to happen. HAIL OTIS! Sure the editor just happens to be a network manager and is god/king/emperor of a bunch of machines. Other publications have official sanctions by organization and universities. They appear in official publications. Purps just accidentally ends up here and there for some reason. People have heard of other publications, but for some queer ball reason they never end up in international listings of journals. Otis really smiles on us and opens doors and gateways which should be closed to us. One of the lessons we've learned is always give out purps to anyone who remotely is interested or looking for material. Now it's especially important because the world as a whole is discovering the idea of electronic journals. Purps is an astonishing journal because of what is does and how it operates. There's no like it and I doubt there were will be one of them again. Finally, for those of you who have sent in submissions. Keep them coming. A lot of these are from July and August. Your's may appear in later issues. ####===================================================================#### Papal Ponderings ####===================================================================#### Papal Pondering #8 by Pope Jephe I, IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave. #209, Cambridge, MA 02139-9183 This week-- Spring Cleaning Being a staunch observer of the week we here at the IGHF worshiped "things hideously overdue, I waited until THIS week to do my Spring cleaning. Having just (barely) emerged successfully from long battle with the Things that live in my closet space (OTIS, just because they've been there since the Dawn o' Time they think they OWN the place), I have a pile of stuff which I do not want to throw away, but am willing to give away. It includes the following: 1. 16 past issues of the OTISian Yellow Pages (#s 2+4) 2. Two past issues of the OTISian Directory (Spring, '92) 3. THOUSANDS of used 4,000 Zloty tickets for the Warsaw bus. 4. Eight and one half million dollars (US Currency) 5. More Italian and German coins than I know what do do with. 6. Three never before used (in original, unopened packages) foam Lobster Party Hats (worthy, trust me in this, of Archie McPhee). 7. Edwina, the Rubber Chicken Items 1-3 inclusive and no/s five and six will be given away on a first come, first served basis. Item 4, is, of course, an utter fib, and should teach you (have you not learned it already) to never trust a Pope. Item seven is a special case. Edwina was my "backup" rubber Chicken back in the days when I was (footloose and fancy free), cruising around Europe, the Middle East and Africa, dropping her sister (Edna) from atop such famous precipices as Glastonbury Tor, Various Cupola's in Oxford, Koln Catherderal, the steps of St. Peter's in Rome, the leaning tower of Pisa, the Great Pyramids in Egypt, the bridge over the Grand Canal in Venice, anywhere you can think of in Israel and Palestine, and the roof of the Peace Corps Hostel in Niamey. Edna was also held aloft in front of the Pieta, Michaelanegelo's "David", the Sistine Chapel, the window that OTHER Pope speaks from, the bit of the garden of Getsemane that falls in the grounds of the Russian Orthodox Church of Mary Magdeline (some Dominican Monks were actually helping me climb one of the hundred-year-old olive trees, in order to get Edna airborne, when the the aging Russian proprietress gave us a good talking to in lousy English, and , I am told, worse Italian), and in front of many confused customs agents in Kano, Nigeria. Obviously Edwina, although she's never been aloft (alas), has great sentimental value (partly because, Edna is nearly exhausted at this point). So I don't want to give her away; I just think she should get out more. So, anyone who is willing to "host" Edwina for a week or so, taking pictures of her (or drawings, poems about, statues... hey, you name the media; I'm not picky) being thrown from/held aloft in the name of OTIS before great and famous things, people, places, and mailing copies of the documentation back to me (along with Edwina, when you've finished), is hereby encouraged to drop me an e-mail message at: Jstevens@world.std.com Including a brief description of how long you need Edwina and just what you intend to do with her. Bear in mind that I will give priority to people living in places that Edna never made it to, i.e. anywhere that is NOT: Washington, D.C. Boston England Koln, Rotenberg, Heidleberg, Germany Venice, Rome, Pisa, Florence, Italy Niamey, Republic of Niger Kano, Nigeria Israel/Palestine Scotland (well, Edinburgh, at least) OK? I will take all the accounts of Edwina's voyages and publish them in a nice full color (Boston has el-cheapo color xeroxes now...) perfect bound booklet, just as soon as she has journeyed far enough to merit a travelogue of this type. Nunc Scriptsi pro OTISo, da mihi potum-- "Pope" Jephe I of the IGHF Incidentally, Edwina has never been to Australia or Poland.... HAIL OTIS! ####===================================================================#### Wiretap ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1993 14:31:58 -0400 From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick) Subject: Overheard by my telephone wiretap "Hello?" "Hello, is Mr. Rittman there?" "Yes, this is he." "Mr. Rittman, I represent a firm of fine furniture importers known as the Import-Export Company of the Gods. We've had some very famous clients...why, Zeus himself came to us! Said he wanted his temple redecorated in a contemporary neo-60's retrofit." "But..." "Yes, I know what you're going to say. You do not represent that pantheon. We have been informed that you represent the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes, worshipping one OTIS, the ancient Sumerian god of life. Now, we..." "But I..." "...are aware that OTIS is not a usual part of this culture, but your organization's efforts seem to be bringing his worship back into popularity. I should think..." "I don't..." "that after all these years in obscurity, OTIS would want to re- decorate some of his sacred places. I'd imagine he'd want SOMETHING new. Now, what should I put you down for? We have a lovely 7-piece bedroom set, just perfect for the deity that..." "I'M NOT IN THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF FRUITCAKES!!!!!" -- "You're not??" "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Oh. Good day then." ####===================================================================#### Mind Control Aliens ####===================================================================#### From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick) Subject: Latest update on mind control aliens on YFN Date: 19 Jul 1993 18:00:31 GMT Conspiracy theorists have found that all of this controversy over YFN's mind control alien nature are founded on clabbered milk entering the bloodstream of the internet. Mind control aliens do exist on YFN, but they are purple paisley, not Supreme Court justices as previously claimed. Also, the National Enquirer is actually put out by similar nmind control space alien Illuminati who want to make the alien presence on Earth SEEM ridiculous so that no one will take it seriously. And by the ---- time they do, it'll be too late. Further updates will come through as my spirit guide whispers them over the barrier from the eighteenth dimension. And remember: always be oregano. ####===================================================================#### Sheep Majorities ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1993 14:27:59 -0400 From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick) Subject: Sheep majorities According to the Book of Lists, here are the population figures for 16 countries around the world 20 years ago: SHEEP HUMANS 1. Australia 145,304,000 13,339,000 2. New Zealand 55,883,000 2,726,000 3. South Africa 31,000,000 24,920,000 4. Peru 17,300,000 15,383,000 5. Iraq 15,500,000 10,765,000 6. Uruguay 15,373,000 3,028,000 7. Mongolia 14,077,000 1,403,000 8. Yemen 11,600,000 3,730,000 9. Bulgaria 9,765,000 8,679,000 10. Namibia 4,400,000 692,000 11. Ireland 3,999,000 3,086,000 12. Somalia 3,906,000 3,090,000 13. Libya 3,200,000 2,346,000 14. Mauritania 2,800,000 1,290,000 15. Lesotho 1,600,000 1,016,000 16. Iceland 846,000 215,000 "And the sheep shall inherit the earth" ####===================================================================#### MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 20 Jul 93 00:31:39 MDT From: iverson@NMSU.Edu Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1993 09:56:11 +0800 From: Jon.Cooke@eng.sun.com Subject: MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI Forwarded without permission of the author, whoever they may be. >From a message originating within Microsoft. --------------------------------------------------- MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI "The chessboard is the world, the pieces are the phenomena of the universe, the rules of the game are the laws of nature. The player on the other side is hidden from us." -- Thomas Henry Huxley "In every grain of wheat there lies hidden the soul of a star." -- Arthur Machen "The Old Ones were, the Old Ones are and the Old Ones will be... not in the spaces we know of, but _between_ them ... Yog-Sothoth is the Gate." -- Abd al-Hazred, _Al Azif_ "All perception is inferential; all inference uncertain; all theory, a combination of perception and inference, is therefore educated guessing." -- de Selby, _Golden Hours_, I, 93 These days most people have heard of Microsoft Corporation, and its founder Bill Gates. The majority of computers in use today use Microsoft system software, and those that do not often run applications from Microsoft. However, few people know the true story behind the rise of Microsoft and even fewer suspect the terrible cosmic secrets that are concealed beneath the facade of a successful software company. In the Object Linking and Embedding 2.0 Programmer's Reference there is a very curious term. On page 78, the second paragraph starts with the sentence, "In the aggregation model, this internal communication is achieved through coordination with a special instance of an Unknown interface known as the /controlling unknown/ of the aggregate." The term "controlling unknown" is a very interesting choice of words. It is not the most intuitively obvious term for what it is describing (a base class used for implementing an object-oriented data exchange/embedding system). A term strikingly similar to "controlling unknown" was the term "unknown superiors", used by many occult secret societies. These included the Strict Observance Masonic lodge, whose members were sometimes referred to as "illuminati", and which had some connection with Adam Weishaupt's order. "Unknown superiors" is a term that refers to non-corporeal or superhuman agencies in command of secret societies or mystery cults. Such an agency is frequently known as the "inner head" of an order of organization, as opposed to the outer head, who is human. Organizations that claimed or were claimed to be commanded by such "unknown superiors" include the Ordo Templi Orientis of Aleister Crowley and the Knights Templar, whose Inner Head was apparently a being named Baphomet. Apart from the term "controlling unknown", another hint at the secrets behind Microsoft is the fact that Microsoft Windows has a limit of _five_ window device contexts. Five is a decidedly odd number for such an application, being neither a power of two nor one less than a power of two, but let us not forget Adam Weishaupt's discovery of the Law of Fives in the Necronomicon*. Few people for sure how many buildings there are in the Microsoft campus in Redmond, WA. No maps of the entire facility are known to exist. Some Microsoft employees put the estimate at six or three. An article in an Australian newspaper has claimed that there are 22 buildings. That is partly true; however, there is another building, hidden from the public and even from most Microsoft employees. The twenty-third building, or Building 7, is pentagonal in shape; its exact location is known only to five people (of whom Bill Gates may be one), however it is believed that the building is accessible from elsewhere in the Microsoft campus by a secret passage. What is in the five sided building is not known. However, it is believed that the contents of Building 7 are of a supernatural nature. Apart from the Pentagon, there was a similar five-sided building in Nazi Germany. This has been carefully kept hidden from the public. One hypothesis is that Building 7 is inhabited by, or used to communicate with, the Inner Head, or "controlling unknown". The identity of the Outer Head is unknown. Bill Gates may be the Outer Head, a high initiate of the conspiracy or just a figurehead whose purpose it is to divert attention. To fully understand this history, or whatever of it may be understood by human minds, one must have some knowledge of the history and origins of the Illuminati. Little is known about the Illuminati, but what is known is that the Illuminati can be definitely traced back to 1776. On Walpurgis night 1776, five men met in a cavern deep beneath Ingolstadt, Bavaria. There they invoked some sort of supernatural beings and made contact with the Unknown Superiors. The following day, one of these five men proclaimed the foundation of the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria, using the name "Adam Weishaupt", which means "the first man to know the Superiors". Although the Illuminati were officially disbanded in 1785, they did not disappear; throughout the past 200 years, they have been observing the profane world carefully, and occasionally intervening (as they did in Sarajevo in 1914, St. Petersburg in 1917, Manhattan in 1929 (to divert attention from a rather unpleasant affair off the coast of New England) and Dallas in 1963 to name a few cases. Their contacts with the Unknown Superiors continued in specially constructed buildings, originally in Germany but later in Washington. During the 1920s and 1930s there occurred a potential problem; a young writer named Howard Phillips Lovecraft published many stories which contained allegories to Illuminated history (for example, Joseph Curwen's invocation of "Yogge-Sothothe" in an underground complex in the 18th century). It is believed that Lovecraft's father was a Grand Orient Freemason. The Illuminati, however, persuaded Lovecraft to join their cause and faked his death in 1937 (Have you ever wondered why his grave is not marked?) Another incident occurred on Octobr 21, 1967, when occultists attempted to "raise" the Pentagon; they were given permission to approach it but prevented from completely encircling it. However, in 1975, a crisis developed that threatened the very foundation of the Illuminati. A book, claiming to be a fantasy novel, appeared. This book was mostly fiction; however, it hinted at the secrets of the Illuminati (even going as far as using Lovecraft's term "Yog-Sothoth" for the Unknown Superior). To this day it is not known whether the authors were renegade Illuminati or whether the information was acquired from informers within the organization. The book was called Illuminatus! Immediately, the Illuminati convened an emergency meeting in Cesme, Turkey. There they discussed a contingency plan to restructure the organization and to move the Pentacle of Invocation to a new location. They decided on setting up a small computer company in one of the smaller cities of the United States as a front. That year, Microsoft Corporation was founded. But why did the Illuminati select a software company and not, say, a company that manages investments or makes kitchen appliances? The answer lies in symbolism (Perhaps because of their involvement in mystic arts such as the Cabala, the Illuminati have always had an affinity for symbolism). There is a recurring legend about a device in the form of a human head which could answer yes/no questions (some link this device to the Knights Templar and their god Baphomet; others claim that Pope Sylvester, who lived in the tenth century, brought such an object back from India, where he met the "Nine Unknown Men"). This device is extremely suggestive of a computer of some sort, and if it did exist in anything more than hermetic allegory, it could not have been manufactured by any human civilization of the time whose existence is known. Hence, the Illuminati decided to use a computer company as a front. It has been already speculated that the name of the founder, Bill Gates, is a code much as "Adam Weishaupt" was a code. Apart from being the name of a magician in Aleister Crowley's novel, "Moonchild", Gates is a reference to the Unknown Superior and the gateway between ordinary reality and the Invisible World; Lovecraft himself referred to Yog-Sothoth as "the Gateless Gate". By the same token, IBM can be said to stand not for "International Business Machines" but rather for "Iacobus Burgundus Molensis", or Jacques de Molay, the last overt Grand Master of the Knights Templar, whose name was borrowed by the Bavarian Illuminati for one of their ciphers. One must also not forget that a Microsoft network administration tool currently under development is named Hermes, after the god of alchemy, and that a line in Umberto Eco's novel, _Foucault's Pendulum_ reads, quite clearly, "Microsoft-Hermes". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * Some sources claim that the copy of the Necronomicon which Adam Weishaupt owned was the von Junzt German translation; this, however, is unlikely, as von Junzt lived in the nineteenth century. The Necronomicon involved was probably either Olaus Wormius' Latin edition or the original Arabic, as the details of the illustrations would attest. ####===================================================================#### Filth Levels ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 14:12:41 -0400 From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick) Subject: 11 Food Products and their Filth Levels (Book of Lists, 1977) According to the Public Health Service of the Food and Drug Administration, the following "defect levels" are not to be exceeded if the products are made available for human consumption. Anything at these levels or below is considered ACCEPTABLE for public sale in the U.S. 1. ASPARAGUS (canned or frozen) Ten percent of spears infested with six asparagus beetle eggs; either 40 thrips or five insects in 100-gram samples. 2. CHOCOLATE; CHOCOLATE LIQUOR Up to 60 microscopic insect fragments per 100-gram sample or up to 100 fragments in one sample; or an average of 1.5 rodent hairs in each sample or up to 4 hairs in any one sample. 3. COFFEE BEANS Ten percent insect infested, damaged, or molded 4. FIG PASTE Thirteen insect heads in two 100-gram samples 5. FISH (fresh frozen) Five percent of fish or fillets with "definite odor of decomposition" over 25% of fish area; or 20% of the fish fillets with "slight odor of decomposition" over 25% of fish area. 6. HOPS Average of 2,500 aphids per 100 grams 7. PEPPER Average of 1% insect infested or mold by weight; or 1 milligram of excreta per pound. 8. POPCORN In six 10-oz. samples, either one rodent pellet or one rodent hair per sample; two rodent hairs or 20 gnawed grains per pound with hairs in 50% of samples or 5% by weight of field corn in popcorn. 9. SPINACH (canned or frozen) In 100-gram samples, either 50 aphid, thrips, or mites or eight leaf miners; two spinach worms or 10% decomposition 10. STRAWBERRIES (frozen, whole, sliced) Mold count of 55% in half of the samples. 11. TOMATO PASTE (pizza and other sauces) In 100-gram samples, either 30 fly eggs, 15 eggs and one larva, or two larvae; or mold count averaging 40% (30% for pizza sauce) ####===================================================================#### Oddities ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 15:20:32 -0400 From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick) Subject: [THE PEOPLE's ALMANAC 15 Favorite Oddities of All Time] (from THE BOOK OF LISTS, 1977) 1. COINCIDENCE On December 5, 1664, the first in a great series of coincidences in history occurred. On this date, a ship in the Menai Strait, off North Wales, sank with 81 passengers on board. There was one survivor-- a man names Hugh Williams. On the same date in 1785, a ship sank with 60 passengers aboard. There was one survivor--a man named Hugh Williams. On the very same date in 1860, a ship sank with 25 passengers on board. There was one survivor--a man named Hugh Williams. 2. THE MOST REALISTIC MOVIE IN HISTORY In 1914, a Hollywood motion-picture company signed a contract with Mexican revolutionary leader Pancho Villa in which he agreed to fight his revolution according to the studio's scenario in return for $25,000. The Hollywood crew went down to Mexico and joined Villa's guerilla force. The director told Pancho Villa where and how to fight his battles. The cameraman, since he could only shoot in daylight, made Pancho Villa start his fighting every day at 9:00 AM and stop at 4:00 PM--sometimes forcing Villa to cease his real warring until the camera could be moved to a new angle. When the completed film was brought back to Hollywood, it was found to be too unbelievable to be released--and most of it had to be reshot on the studio lot. 3. THE ABYSSINIAN ELECTRIC CHAIR On August 6, 1890, the first electric chair in history was put into use in the death chamber of Auburn Prison in New York. In distant Abyssinia--now called Ethiopia--Emperor Menelik II (1844-1913) heard about it and decided that this new method of execution should become part of his modernization plan for his country. Immediately, he put in an order for three electric chairs from the American manufacturer. When the chairs arrived and were unpacked, the emperor was mortified to learn they wouldn't work--Abyssinia had no electricity. Determined that his investment not be completely wasted, Emperor Menelik adopted one of the electric chairs for his imperial throne. 4. GANGSTER JOHN DILLINGER DIED BEFORE THE FBI KILLED HIM America's Public Enemy No. 1 John Dillinger, with a $10,000 reward on his head, died peacefully under anesthetic 26 days before FBI agent Melvin Purvis and fellow agents shot him down outside the Biograph Theater in Chicago on July 22, 1934. Dillinger had gone to Drs. Wilhelm Loeser and Harold B. Cassidy and paid them $5,000 to alter his facial features and get rid of his fingerprints. Given an overdose of ether, Dillinger died during the operation. Said FBI director J. Edgar Hoover, "It was only through prompt action on the part of Loeser that he was resuscitated." 5. THE MOST INCREDIBLE ENGINEER IN THE WORLD Oddity hunter John Hix told one of the authors of this book about the world's most incredible engineer: "A 300-ft. suspension bridge of old junk, across the Snake River, in Wyoming, was engineered by Charles McCrary, a traveling odd-job man, who had never seen such a structure in his life. A postcard picture of the San Francisco Bay Bridge served as the blueprint. And though government engineers said it would cost $10,000, it was built for only $750." 6. THE MAN WHO DID NOT OWN HIS BODY In 1890, a Swedish gentleman who was desperately in need of money signed a contract with the Caroline Institute in Stockholm--a medical academy that awards the Nobel Prize in medicine--promising its staff doctors his body for dissection purposes after his death. In return, he was given the cash he needed. In 1910, this same gentleman inherited a large sum of money. Now he decided he did not want to leave his body for dissection. He tried to buy back the contract from the doctors of the institute. They refused to sell. The gentleman then sued the institute and went to court. The gentleman not only lost the suit and future possession of his body--but he had to pay damages to the institute's doctors because he had had two of his teeth pulled without their permission. 7. THE POPE WHO ISSUED A DECREE AGAINST A COMET On June 29, 1456, a date when Halley's comet could be seen in the sky at night and mankind feared it could bring on a plague, famine, or some other disaster, Pope Calixtus III, who had been enthroned for one year, issued a papal bull or official decree against the comet. His decree asked Christendom to pray that the comment--or symbol of "the anger of God" as he put it--be fended off or that, as Bartolomeo Platina wrote in 1479, the comet "be entirely diverted against the Turks, the foes of the Christian name." 8. THE MYSTERY OF LITTLE MISS NOBODY On July 6, 1944, the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus was giving a performance in Hartford, Conn., before 7000 paid customers. A fire broke out: 168 persons died in the blaze and 487 were injured. One of the dead, a small girl thought to be six years old, was unidentified. Since no one came to claim her, and since her face was unmarred, a photograph was taken of her and distributed locally, then throughout the US. Days passed, weeks and months passed, but no relative, no playmate, no one in the nation came forward to identify her. She remains unknown to this day. (note: since this came out, she has been identified and returned to her family) 9. THEY ROWED ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN On June 6, 1897, Frank Samuelson, a 36-year-old American, and George Harvo, a 31-year-old Norwegian, set out in a small open rowboat from New York Harbor to row across the Atlantic Ocean. Their boat, the Richard K. Fox, was 18 ft. long with a 5-ft. beam. Together, each at an oar, they pulled constantly for 55 days, crossed the vast ocean, 3075 mi. in all, and made it safely to St. Mary's in the Scilly Islands off southwest England--an unbelievable achievement. 10. HE HAD A DREAM John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, an evangelist who preached 40,000 sermons, left behind his Journal covering the years 1735-1790, much of it written in an indecipherable code. No one in the years that followed was able to solve the code. In 1909, Rev. Nehemiah Curnock, of Rayleigh, England, was poking through a secondhand bookstore when he came across a treasure--John Wesley's personal Bible, with marginal handwritten notes in the same mysterious code. The reverend bought the Bible, studied it, then forgot about it. One night, shortly after, while deep in sleep, Rev. Curnock had a dream--he saw Wesley's Journal, and on one page the code was deciphered. Waking, he had the key. Remembering his dream, he examined Wesley's code writing in the Bible, and unlocked the mystery. He proceeded to "translate" Wesley's Journal and published the results between 1909 and 1916 in four volumes. 11. THE CAVALRY THAT CAPTURED A FLEET OF SHIPS The most famous instance of a company of cavalry actually defeating and capturing a fleet of ships occurred in the Netherlands on January 20, 1795. In that period, the French army was pitted against the Dutch, British, and Austrians. French Gen. Charles Pichegru led his cavalry unit of hussars into Amsterdam in freezing weather. He found the Dutch fleet off the island of Texel, frozen into immobility by heavy ice. Gen. Pichegru immediately ordered his horsemen over the ice-covered waters, overwhelmed the Dutch ships and sailors, and captured them. With that, the Dutch government surrendered. 12. FUNERAL FOR A FLY Publius Vergilius Maro or Vergil (70-19 BC), the Roman poet known for the Aeneid, one of the great epic poems in history, sponsored a lavish funeral for a fly, a common housefly he claimed was a favorite pet. The funeral ceremony was held in Vergil's splendid mansion on Esquiline Hill in Rome. An orchestra was on hand to soothe the paid mourners. Many celebrities attended, among them Vergil's patron, Maecenas, who gave a long and moving eulogy to the fly. To cap it off, Vergil himself wrote several poems for the occasion and read them. The fly was buried in a special mausoleum. The entire extravaganza cost Vergil 800,000 sesterces--about $100,000. What motivated this funeral to a fly? Two possibilities. Vergil loved the bizarre, and this may have been an attention-getting put-on. Or he may have known in advance that the government--the Second Triumvirate of Octavius, Lepidus, and Mark Antony--planned to confiscate the property of the rich and parcel it out to war veterans. One exception was that no grounds containing burial plots were to be touched. When this law came to pass, Vergil sought exemption because there was a mausoleum on his land. Exemption was granted, and Vergil's fly had saved his master's property. 13. HOW TO BECOME A WRITER Victor Hugo (1802-1885), leading French romantic writer, normally had little trouble producing such books as The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Les Miserable. But sometimes he did run into difficulties and was tempted to do other things than write. As such times he forced himself to work by having his servant take away all of his clothes, with instructions not to return them for several hours. Left with his own nude self, and pen and paper, there was nothing to do but sit down and write. 14. THE WORLD SOLD AT AUCTION In 193 AD, Rome dominated or controlled all of the so-called civilized world. In that year, the Roman praetorian guard--the 12,000-member personal bodyguard of the Caesars--turned on the reigning Emperor Pertinax and murdered him. To fill his seat, one guardsman suggested that the leadership of Rome and the world be auctioned off. On March 28, 193, the auction was held. There were two bidders. One was the assassinated emperor's father-in-law. The other was the wealthiest senator in Rome, 61-year-old Didius Julianus. After spirited bidding, Julianus won the throne with a bid of 300 million sesterces. Didius Julianus was unpopular with both the Senate and the public; his reign lasted only 66 days. The Roman general Severus in Pannonia, hearing of the infamous auction, led his troops back to Rome, sought out the emperor, and had him beheaded. 15. THOU SHALT NOT KILL In the seventh century, the Toltecs, an agricultural people, moved from northern Mexico down into the vicinity of Mexico City. In all of history, there was never a people more civilized or humane. According to the old histories, the Toltecs went to war with wooden swords-- so that they would not kill their enemies. ####===================================================================#### Kmart Spaceman ####===================================================================#### From: John_-_Winston@cup.portal.com Subject: Kmart Spaceman. Date: Sun, 18 Jul 93 15:00:01 PDT Subject: Spaceman Works At K-Mart. It seems that we have a space person living in America now and his only claim to fame is that he is a night shift clerk at K-mart. How high on the social scale can you get? Here is some information about the man and another person from space who is a space lady. ...Kmart store manager once worked as a UFO engineer (JW I'll bet that looked good on his application). Paul Wellmer, whose true name is Nommos, was born on the spaceship Monitor 74 Earth-years ago. He was among thousands of space aliens aboard the starship, which came from the planet of TaoPao, an Earth-like world situated in the Sirius B System of Constellation Canis Major. When his spaceship crashed on this planet on June 18, 1946, the extraterrestrial starship engineer survived by invading the body of a 2-month-old earthling and taking his name. He has been living the life of a normal human ever since, marrying and getting a job as a night clerk at Kmart in the small town of Fredericktown, Mo. Wellmer says on his native planet, his physical appearance is entirely different. "Our bodies can adapt to living on land or underwater because we have gills within our lungs, two circulatory systems and two hearts," he said. (JW Well I don't know much about him but I have read a lot about the next lady I'm going to mention.) Chicago house wife Omnec Onec is dying to meet space alien Paul Wellmer-because she's an alien herself and she wants another extraterrestrial to talk to! The blonde mother of three-whose native planet is Venus-read an article about Wellmer in the April 6, issue of the Weekly World News and admits she was fascinated. She says she's aware of other space aliens living in this country, but Wellmer-who lives in Fredericktown, Mo. -is not know to her because he comes from outside our solar system. "I would love for him to come see me in Chicago," said Omnec, whose book UFO From Venus I Came sold out when it hit the bookstores two years ago. There are so many solar systems, each with many planets, and I am not familiar with every one. I would love to talk to him and learn about his world." Omnec went public about her alien origins in 1990, when she published her book in an effort to teach earthlings about the brotherhood of planets. She says she knows of more than 300 other aliens from Mars, Saturn, Venus and Jupiter who occupy important positions in American society. Worldwide, she says, there are more than 1,000. Wellmer, who is called Nommos on his planet of ToePao, says he's also eager for a space alien powwow. "I have not read Omnec Omnec's book but it sounds like something I should know about," he told the NEWS. "And I would definitely like to meet her. We have much to talk about, I'm sure." When Wellmer gets together with Omnec, it will be his first meeting on Earth with another space alien. And the extraterrestrial admits he's been lonely since the spaceship wreck separated him from others of his kind. "A day doesn't go by that I don't wonder where my fellow crew members are," he says. "It's hard being the only one. I'm delighted to know that Omnec Onec wants to get together." Female extraterrestrial came to earth in 1955! Born 246 Earth years ago. Omnec Onec was raised on the planet Venus in a town called Teutonia. She lived on an astral plane-with out a physical body-until she was instructed by her leaders to travel to earth with a message of peace and brotherhood. Omnec says she was trained to live as a human in an ancient monastery in Tibet. Eventually she was sent to live in Tennessee with an earthling family, replacing a 7-year-old child who had died in a bus wreck. She grew up, married and moved to Chicago, where she raised three children. worked as a bar maid, a clothes designer and a cashier. She revealed her true space alien nature in 1990, when she wrote and published her best-selling book. Today she travels around the United States and Europe, spreading a message of peace and brotherhood, as he was instructed to do by Venusian leaders. JW In the past I had read the first article about Omnec Omnec and had gone over to Don Showen's house to talk to him about it. It just so happened that he had a copy of her book and I obtained it from him. Source of Material: Weekly World News July 20, 1990 John Winston. ####===================================================================#### Walkmans ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1993 15:04:37 EDT From: Subject: Hazardous Walkmans On Mon, 28 Jun 1993 13:27:51 GMT, Richard Bornat wrote: >Another one common in the UK press, which I guess wouldn't have been in the >FAQ, is the mistaken-electric-shock-cure. Person is in the kitchen, seen by >spouse to be jiggling about with a wire connecting them to some electrical >appliance (in UK this is a toaster, of which all of us are mightily >frightened). Spouse hits person with large piece of wood 'breaking their arm >in two places' (giveaway phrase); person turns out to have been dancing to >music from Walkman and lead was headphone lead. Seen it three times in the >press this spring - sorry, didn't keep references. Person once in garage >apparently attached to electric drill. Sorry if that's an old one. I picked up the latest _Fortean Times_ [no. 69 (June-July 1993)] last night, and there on p. 12 was the same story: A woman came home to find her husband frantically shaking in the kitchen with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. She picked up a heavy piece of wood and smashed it into him to jolt him away from the current, breaking his arm in two places. The she discovered that he was listening to his Walkman and having a jig. Southport, Ormskirk, and Formby Star, c. 7 Oct. 1992. ####===================================================================#### Unusual Problems ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1993 13:58:11 -0400 From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick) Subject: Dear Abby's readers' 7 most unusual problems ABIGAIL VAN BUREN'S READERS' 7 MOST UNUSUAL PROBLEMS (Book of LIsts) 1. "I'm a bus driver and want some information on how to become a shepherd." (perhaps we should proselytize this one as to the benefits of yak herding?) 2. "I want to have a child but don't even have a boyfriend. Can you line me up with somebody?" 3. "I hear there is life after death. If that is true, can you put me in touch with my Uncle LeRoy Albert from Victoria, Tex.?" 4. "Will you please send me all the information you have on the rhythm method? I'm learning how to dance." 5. "I'm a 50-year-old widow and my doctor says I need a husband or the equivalent. Would it be all right if I borrowed my sister's husband? It's all right with them." 6. "My husband burns the hair out of his nose with a lighted match. And he thinks I'm crazy because I voted for Goldwater." 7. "I can't trust my husband. He cheats so much I'm not even sure my last baby is HIS." ####===================================================================#### Fun in Florida ####===================================================================#### [Yes all those reports you see in the papers about Florida are true. In fact they barely scrape the surface at what a warped and twisted state this really is. If you can't afford a trip to another planet why not try Florida.] Date: Thu, 29 Jul 93 09:13:44 MDT From: iverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: Fun in Florida GAINESVILLE, Fla. (UPI) -- Seven Gainesville musicians who say they were only singing have petitioned the state attorney to drop trespassing charges from a July 17 arrest. Members of the unconventional a capella singing group Sumac were arrested after seven officers and two police dogs listened to their ``yipping, chanting, and moaning'' inside a four-wall racquetball court at a public park. Gainesville Police Department spokesman Sgt. Don Dennis said one officer ``thought it was some type of religious ceremony.'' Sumac leader Jill Burton, 40, said group members liked the acoustics of the enclosed racquetball court and were unaware the park had an 11:30 p.m. curfew. Burton said the police were polite but overreacted. ------------------------------ Police Chase Goes On And On (Tampa, Florida) -- Authorities say a 118-mile police chase through Florida for a robbery suspect was "just a pleasant drive through the country." The chase Friday rarely exceeded the speed limit and everyone obeyed the traffic signals. Sheriff's deputies didn't want to cause an accident. A spokesman for the sheriff of Hillsborough County says "they were just driving around like it was a parade." The chase lasted an hour and 37 minutes. Officers had to stop for gas twice. The chase finally ended near the Tampa suburb of Brandon, when an annoyed deputy pulled alongside the suspect and shouted, "All right, that's enough now, pull over!" [AP] [Tonight on the news they just has a 30 minute chase in South Florida.] ####===================================================================#### The Queen Speaks ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1993 08:19:04 HKT From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk Subject: FWD: RE: A message from H.M. The Queen (fwd) Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1993 07:13:49 EDT From: Bob Zenhausern Subject: Re: A message from H.M. The Queen Great Britain was the first country to issue a postage stamp and it seems appropriate that Queen Elizabeth was the first Head of State to issue an Internet message. It is even more heartening that the message was in support of the Nets for children with special needs. Tom Holloway and Pat Davidson of Chatback UK deserve our special thanx. ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- Your Majesty, thank you for your message sent by Adam and John. (Pat Davidson, Projects Manager, Chatback. During this visit to the Whitefield Centre I have been heartened to see the emphasis placed upon helping young people towards independence by the use of technology. Through John and Adam, who are using this computer to write and send this letter for me, I send greetings to the many children world-wide who are being helped and encouraged to play a full part in the world. Elizabeth R. ####===================================================================#### Elvis ####===================================================================#### From: shabbir@panix.com (Shabbir J. Safdar) Subject: I saw ELVIS in TOKYO! Date: 31 Jul 93 13:13:19 GMT I was in a bar called MoTown In the Roppongi section of Tokyo last week. Elvis was there in the back, flanked by a group of women who I presume were his backup singers. When they started playing his songs on the bar's sound system, they backed him up perfectly, while he sang and gyrated. I got his autograph. -Shabbir ####===================================================================#### And More Elvis ####===================================================================#### From: mcbride@is.rice.edu (Doug McBride) Subject: Elvis in the news Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1993 20:32:32 GMT DALLAS (UPI) -- An author and record producer who claims to have proof that rock and roll star Elvis Presley is alive has filed a federal lawsuit in Dallas against Elvis Presley Enterprises for saying that The King is dead. Retired Air Force Maj. Bill Smith, who wrote the book ``Memphis Mystery: Elvis, the Man and the Myth,'' says Presley faked his Aug. 17, 1977 death and ran off to live in seclusion, free from the burden of being a star. Smith says he has had frequent telephone conversations with Presley and that Elvis Presley Enterprises violated his civil rights by holding a monopoly on Presley memorabilia and interfering with the successful marketing of his book. Officials from Elvis Presley Enterprises said they were unaware of the lawsuit. ``This lawsuit and my book are what will bring Elvis Aron Presley back to the world,'' said Smith, adding that God told him to file the lawsuit. ####===================================================================#### Texas vs Sodomy ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 4 Aug 93 00:04:35 MDT From: iverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: Texas vs. Sodomy "Profiles in Courage" from the Progressive Molly Ivins "The seventy-third session of the Texas legislature is pretty much typified by the following Warren Chisum story, Representative Chisum being the Bible-thumping dwarf from Pampa who has added such je ne sais quoi to the proceedings this year. "The Texas Senate had a rare moment of courage early in the session when it voted to remove homosexual sodomy from the revised version of the penal code. All were astonished. There vision made its way over to the House, where Chisum promptly rose and introduced an amendment to reinstate the damn thing. The Housies were afraid everyone would think they were queer if the didn't vote for Chisum's amendment, so they did. "Then some scholar explained to Chisum that unless he reinstated the ban on heterosexual sodomy as well, the law would be declared unconstitutional. So Chisum promptly got up and did just that. "Whereupon we had one of the more bizarre debates in the history of the Lege, with assorted avant-garde members rising at the back mike to say, approximately, 'Uh, Warren, uh, suppose I am in bed with my lawfully wedded spouse and I, like, kind of misaim and wind up in the wrong hole. You don't want to send me to prison for that, do you?' "Chisum would stoutly reply, 'Yes, I do. It's against nature and the Bible.' "So the Housis were afraid everyone would think they were perverts if they didn't vote for it, and they did. Chisum then shook hands with his ally, Talmadge Heflin of Houston, in celebration of this double triumph, and the Speaker had to send the sergeant-at-arms over to reprimand them both. "Because under Chisum's own amendments, it's illegal for a prick to touch an asshole in this state." ####===================================================================#### Elevator Problems ####===================================================================#### >Date: Thu, 05 Aug 1993 14:06:21 -0400 (EDT) >From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu > >HELP!!!! The problems with the OTIS elevators is getting worse. Every since >that last E-Mail I sent about them I can't get one to come to our floor. >I push the buttons and they don't light up. The elevators that open for >other people close before I can get to them. I want to go home soon and I'm >getting worried. I'm running low on Aluminum foil also. > >Signed, > >Deeply concerned. > Well I did forward your messages to the Pope in hopes he could give you an official answer. Sad to say he's off having tea again or something of that nature. From what I can see there are two reasons the elevators are behaving that way. One you are bad and two you are good. For the bad side of things probably you've not been doing a good job of following the all important "send us money" commandment. Rumor has it that these latest heat waves have really upped the electricity bill on the House of Blue Light. Also have you ever considered how much it takes to cool a 100 foot high step pyramid built out of brick? Perhaps you may have committed another act as well. Lusting after Otis for example. If Arani catches sight of such things she goes on the way path. The good side of course is that the elevator is behaving that way to bring you to your neighbors attention. Soon they will be asking questions about you and it will be your time to shine. Don't put your light under a bushel. Belt out those 4 important Otisian commandments. Tell them an ancient Otisian parable. Pass around the hat. Convert a few to the faith. Perhaps there is a quota of new converts you need to make before the elevator will function again. Of course maybe you need a disguise to get into the elevator. Consider a fez. Of if one of those is not present perhaps a brown bucket from the janitors closet will do the trick. If that doesn't work find an old bath mat and disguise yourself as a yak. If that doesn't work try shaving off all your body hair and pretend to be a shaved yak. Of course aluminium foil may all be part of this problem as well. Perhaps if you had more of it you'd be able to shield yourself well enough from the telepath scanning of the elevator. Besides foil you can also use beer cans and gum wrappers. Certain computer parts have aluminium in them as well. With the beer cans it helps if you drink all the beer they contained. This seemed to amplify the effect greatly especially if you consume several six packs in order to cover your entire body. With gum chewing will also help. Lately they've been running a commercial about how important chewing gum is. This is of course an important message to us all. If we chew enough gum we'll have enough gum wrappers to shield us from the Zakinthians rays. Last of all are you sure this is really an Otis elevator? Have you checked the label carefully? Maybe under it it says something else. Or perhaps it really is a _ Otis elevator. Where the _ used to say B. If that's the case you'd better use the stairs or climb down the building in a batman like fashion. As has been said before. Many things in life are a test. This appears to be one of them. Don't be afraid to improvise or make a complete ass of yourself. It's all done in the name of Otis. The only thing you need to avoid is any jumping about if you are disguised as a yak. Any imitation of yak tossing in any way shape or some is strictly forbidden. If you must toss something about or imitate being tossed about dress as a Pope or even a sacred rubber chicken. Is there a vending machine near by? If so try sacrificing some of its edibles to the elevator. Try fruit salad then twinkies. If you see the twinkies being taken by small furry hands you don't have an Otis problem but something perhaps far worse. Chances are from then on on you will need to toss twinkies into the elevator each time before you use it as a sort of toll. If none of the above helps more drastic measures may be needed. If you see brown furry hands and the elevator still refuses to work with the addition of more twinkies try grape soda. The cheaper the better. If you hear any strange noises from the elevator. Do not listen to them. Lord knows what they could do to your brain if you followed THEIR instructions. Try ancient Sumerian methods. Find a sheep and read it's entrails. If you can't find a sheep try a pig. If no pig try long pig. Above all. Do not panic. And remember prayer always helps. Especially if you've sent your money into the IGHF and received a set of secret prayers. Mal ####===================================================================#### Otis Hair Cuts ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1993 20:51:15 -0400 (EDT) From: Jeffrey Stevens > Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1993 16:43:54 -0400 > From: ae705@yfn.ysu.edu (Mark Corroto) > To: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu > Subject: Re: Purps 52 > > How can I get an OTIS or is it A OTIS haircut > > FaGaGaGa Hello Mal, Scott, FaGaGaGa: Would have answered all these questions sooner but for the big PR campaign Preacher Tim seems to have started for me. He's decided I should go to Colorado around the same time as the other Pope in what I suspect will be a vain bid to confuse people into pledging to the wrong faith. Hail OTIS! OTIS is NOT a haircut. Shame. OTIS is a way of life. This can be confusing since some haircuts are seen as ways of life (e.g. the Fab Four, Sting), but only to the uninitiated. It can also be confusing since many of the same people who tell you to get religion also want you to get a haircut. FOUR SIMPLE WAYS TO TELL OTIS FROM A HAIRCUT 1. A haircut is only a haircut. OTIS is a god/dess. 2. If you pray to a haircut, very little will happen. If you pray to OTIS (s)he might actually answer. 3. OTIS is more expensive than a haircut. Around here a haircut costs around $8.00. To keep OTIS happy, you will have to send him/her everything you own. 4. The Pope has never had a decent haircut, but he has always had a spiffy looking OTIS. ####===================================================================#### THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ####===================================================================####