***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 50 ####========================================================#### "Two years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### Deadlines! Deadlines! Always deadlines to meet. The eternal hammer of Brow always threatening to fall. That's what it's like being Editor some times. Still it's great fun. Welcome to Issue Number Fifty. The golden anniversary issue as it were. Yes, Purps is Fifty Issues old and still going strong. We've got more subscribers than ever (and strangely enough the most subscribers appear when an issue of purps is delayed by a week or two. I suppose this is OTIS's gentle reminder to me that the herd of OTIS needs an issue.) and we're available in more places than ever (see below for availability of Purps via gopher.) Fifty issues was easy. We can easily make 100. Yes it's optimism all the way amazingly enough. We even now have access to a not one, but two unix machines which might mean the Purps distribution list can finally get off it's silly slow trickle distribution and back to it's wide bore shotgun mailing like it used to have. We'll see though. At least we have the hardware. Other odd plans for the future include perhaps and FTP server and maybe even a OTISIAN mud or something like that. Lord knows. Surprisingly enough this issue of Purps contains REAL honest to Heethor facts about OTIS! Say it ain't so oh over worked editor, but it's true. Recently the esteemed Doc Simpson send me a whole bunch of material, some of which you can see below. We now had a real FAQ file just like all those other electronic distribution thingies. We can now officially bitch at people and tell them to go read the damn FAQ and stop bother us just like a real electronic discussion list. (Not that we really would.) Also included is an updated version of the Glossary, this again is thanks to Doc Simpson who spend hours pouring over the Otisian archives in an effort to bring forth this document of some magnitude. Also we have yet more historic tales from the archives of Doc Simpson. Okay one more paragraph were we mention him. Doc Simpson has expressed an interest is setting up some sort of European Otisian something or other. If you're in Europe you may want to drop him a line and see what exactly he is up to. Other than that, we've got a few other bits and pieces. I wanted to heavily slant this issue toward educating the clamoring masses of OTIS so that's what I did. For those of you who send me submissions, keep them coming. I need them. I have enough sitting right here to whack out yet another issue of Purps. Life seems to be taking a turn for the better so maybe they will come out more frequently. Anyway on with the show, and remember that the Pope needs material for the OTISIAN directory. Contact him if you'd like to make a submission in any way shape or form. ####===================================================================#### Fragment #44, The Origin of the Parasols of Lemuria ####===================================================================#### ...And when mighty Spode, God of Confusion, approached gentle Nepha, Goddess of Chocolate Eggs, with the Purple Thunderbolt uncovered by any garment but standing erect of Its own power, sweet Nepha was greatly troubled, for It was 4 cubits in width and 44 cubits in length. In terrible fear She smote It with Her spear and many-splendored Spode was sorely vexed. And as He hopped about and bellowed as the majestic bull does in summertime when it bottom is lashed by thorns, some of the Seed of Spode was scattered upon the earth. And behold, a child was born from the earth and Heethor, the Paisley Goddess, in her form of Heethymthombang, Lady of Unexplained Plot Twists, took this child and placed him in a chest. And She-Who-Never-Straightly-Doth-Anything-Do took the chest unto Lemur the Wise of Lemuria and spake thusly, "This coffer, receiveth you. Not at all (nowise) may you inside it be looking (although pressing, temptation may be) but good care of it should be taken." And snowy-haired Lemur took the chest and placed hearty repast beside it every day but never dared to look inside it. However, sagacious Lemur's four foolish sisters, Lalune, Lamoure, Lamachine, and Lecar, were very curious and peeked under the lid. The annals of mortal men do not concur what it was they saw, for verily, no mortal man has seen that sight and remained fit to describe it. Some say that it was four great chartreuse snakes set there by Heethor to guard the child. Some say that it was no infant at all but a fish with a very pungent smell. Others assert that the chest contained nothing but bones. Still others say that the child was fat, pink, healthy and normal except that in place of human private parts he had a great writhing snake. Whatever the contents of the chest, when the four matrons beheld it they were struck stark mad and hacked their own baby boys to small pieces with meat cleavers babbling that the helpless babes were horrid monsters. For their infanticide long-lived Lemur had his stupid sisters eaten alive by slithy toves. And when the wheel of the seasons had turned four times the child from the chest appeared fully clothed before wise Lemur and told him that Heethor, the Paisley Goddess, in her form of Heethorandhafter, She-Who-Talks-To-People-In-Boxes, had named him Erectos in honor of his singular conception and had charged shrewd Lemur to adopt young Erectos as his own son. Loyal Lemur faithfully bowed anew to the will of the Great Goddess. Erectos grew to be not only tall, handsome, strong, and swift but he also proved to be rather clever. He invented many things: the feather duster, shoe polish, toenail clippers, and the prophylactic. Some speculate that the prophylactic was not really for birth control but to disguise the deformation of Erectos' genitalia but this was in truth just a nasty rumor started by some young blades who had difficulty satisfying the young women after they had slept with robust Erectos. The pious people of Lemuria were so impressed by virile Erectos' abilities that they elected him to be their king. Shortly thereafter deep-chested Brow, God of Mindless Violence, appeared unto the perplexed people of Lemuria and spake unto them that if they made sacrifices only unto Him and had no other Gods but He, then He would make them victorious in every battle and masters of the whole earth. But at the same time gentle Lotus, God of Peace, and Heethor, the Paisley Goddess in her form of Hythorlinbeestee, Lady of Peace, Sisterly Love, and Granola, appeared unto the people together and spake that if the people did not believe belligerent Brow but behaved like proper peasant people, performing pleasing sacrifices serving several dignified deities, They would reward them with plentiful paisley parasols. And the pious people were discombobulated by the awesome offers of the Gods and asked their king, clever Erectos, to judge the matter. Faithful Erectos, remembering the kindness shown him by his divine benefactrix in the matter of his birth and infancy, chose the plentiful paisley parasols of curvaceous Heethor without pause. Brawny Brow was bitter but bowed to the judgement with good grace because of pressure from the other Gods. However, shortly thereafter deep-chested Brow induced war- like Welhung, King of Ethiopia and Brow's son by the nymph Abyssia, to wage war on Lemuria over a matter of boundaries. The peaceful people of Lemuria were oversoon overwhelmed by the bellicose battalions of the Brat of Brow. Wise Erectos, seeing his people beaten, made a pilgrimage to the Oracle of Nepha on Mount Dubedubedu to ask the sweet Goddess what must be done to save his loyal subjects. The priestess of Our Lady of Chocolate replied that noble Erectos must sever his famous genitalia, for unencumbered by its great bulk and weight he should be invincible in battle. Brave Erectos made the self- sacrifice and plunged alone into the army of unwary Welhung with the wound still gushing hot blood. He slew 16 men with each great swing of his sword. With each thrust of his oaken spear he skewered 16 more. 256 men were boiled alive in the river of his scalding blood. 256 more died of shear fright at the look of righteous anger on his countenance. At last none of mighty Welhung's army stood but undaunted Welhung himself like a single ear of corn left unmowed in great field by a mighty reaper at harvest when he pauses for a draught of sweet cold spring water from the mountains. Then tall Erectos and stout Welhung rushed to embrace each other like lovers and met with a clap like thunder. They remained locked in unabated combat for four days and four nights but as the dawn of the fifth day prepared to leave the bed of night, emasculated Erectos slew wanton Welhung, King of Ethiopia, and mounted his severed head on the top of his battle standard to proclaim the glory of his victory. At that moment deep-chested Brow, God of Mindless Violence, appeared before the council of the Gods and demanded the right to execute his son's murderer. As Heethor, the Paisley Goddess, was asleep at the time, no-one objected. Deep-chested Brow then squashed unlucky Erectos like a bug. ####===================================================================#### Scary People ####===================================================================#### From: MFW3890@tntech.edu Subject: Found Object Date: 28 Mar 1993 14:52:34 -0600 The following advertisement appeared in the Friday, November 22, 1992 issue of the Harvard Crimson: TOP TEN SCARIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH 10. Prune-eating Sumo wrestler. 9. High-rise window cleaner with bladder problem. 8. Near sighted knife juggler. 7. Megalomaniac Third World Dictator. 6. Grown men named "Biff." 5. Heavily armed hot dog vendors. 4. Carsick brother in the seat next to you. 3. Brain surgeon with hiccups. 2. Anyone with a cranky disposition and a chainsaw. 1. People who offer you rugs. ####===================================================================#### The Glossary ####===================================================================#### [Some of this originally appeared in an earlier edition of Purps. Doc Simpsons has updated this greatly. No doubt you will be seeing this again once more is added to it. If you read this carefully you should learn all manner of important things about OTIS.] A AIRAMEKO - (see "Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Anti-Masonic Elder Knights of Otis") Akshak - Ancient Sumerian center of Otis-worship. Aliens - A general group of non-human, non-terrestrial entities who have played both major and minor roles in the history of Otis. Throughout the ages, various government agencies have attempted to intercept them before they contacted one Pope or another. (Refer to the Roswell incident for more detail.) Allie, Saint - Patron of Roads, Streets, Lanes, and Boulevards. Ameks - One of the evil demiurges (see also "Veesa"). Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Anti-Masonic Elder Knights of OTIS - One of the most dangerous and frightening of all of the Secret Societies who are really running the world today. The Elder Knights now have agents in virtually every major government on Earth, and have recently become the real power behind the Gnomes of Zurich. "And a large Orange Drink" - A phrase used in a similar way to the Judeo-Christian "Amen." AntiChrist - A being of immense power who will one day rise up and attempt to take over the Earth for its unearthly pleasures. The only thing that stands in its way is Elvis. Apendix - A human organ created by Otis in Sumerian times to help with income tax forms. The income tax confusion, spurred on by Spode, has unfortunately outgrown the rather small size of this organ. Arani - Divine Concubine of Otis. Atlantis - Original home of Otisianism. (see "Eporopo") B Bar Trek - Ancient Otisian drinking game. Base sixteen - The most natural and normal system of number notation used by good Otisians worldwide for cheques, census forms, tax forms, et c. Base ten - An evil system of number notation invented and propagated by Zakynthians. Batrakhomuomakhia - the Histories of Early Atlantis. Bauching - (see "Smashmas") Bill - An important and symbolic character in the "Banquet of the Gods." Bissextile Day - February 29 when all good Otisians worship and adore the Divine Bisexuality of Otis. Blix - God of Pain. Blue, Saint - Patron of Alleys. B_b - the Name That Should Not Be Uttered. Bonanza - A T.V. program space aliens use to learn English with. (see also "aliens") Borogove - A thin, shabby-looking bird with its feathers sticking out all round, something like a live mop. Once common in Atlantis, they are now extinct due to Zakynthian over hunting. B-Otis-2 - The Evil Anti-Otis, a snappy dresser. Some believe that the "2" stands for "the second letter in the alphabet" thus "The Name that Must Not Be Uttered." (see "B_b") Others prefer to derive the name from the phrase "Be Otis too" referring to the heretical Zakynthian belief that mere mortals can attain the mystic powers of the God(dess) of Life through black magic. The Anti-Plaidists hold that B- Otis-2 and Reiod are identical. (see "Reiod") Bowling - According to the Ancient Sumerian balag lamentations (see Rhienhart) Otis was a fantastic bowler. The sport was traditionally invented by Spode. Brew Mare's Night - An ancient Otisian holiday in honor of Rhotos, celebrated from sundown to sunup on the night of October 31st when ferverant Otisians, having ritually starved themselves for four days, ran howling and gibbering, dressed in fantastic and obscene costumes through the streets until they came upon the first female horse which they tore apart with their bare hands, boiled in a soup, and ate. Now celebrated with old cars. Brillig - Four o'clock in the afternoon, a propitious time to invoke Otis. Brow - God of mindless violence. Call 1-800-URA-BROW to speak with him in person. (See also "Isenbrau") Brown Bucket - An Otisian heresy or offshoot, or perhaps something altogether new. Members hold the Brown Bucket sacred and refuse to discuss That-Which-Was-Contained- Therein-When-They-Found-It. The bucket is also Fez shaped. Refer to the "Brown Bucket Papers" for more detail. (see also "fez") Bulltha - an ascended master channeled by several devout Otisians. Buranun - One of the two sacred rivers of Otis in Sumer. (see also "Idigna") By the Balls of Brow - A magazine of unadulterated truth, available from Pagan Publishing, 1409 Wilson Ave, Columbia, MO 65201. Also an Otisian oath. (see "Brow") C Campaign for the Prevention of Inherited Flatulence - One of the organizations Purps has made small (and entirely tax free) contributions to. (see "Purps") Cats - Small carnivores that live with us. Caturkaya - The Four Bodies of Otis Doctrine. Otis is composed of four mutually interpenetrating "bodies" consisting of the Dharmakaya, the Nirmanakaya, the Sambhogakaya, and the Mohakaya. (see all of the above) Chad the Fuzzy, St. - Archbishop of Kenyon, Patron of Billiards. Chad the Manly, St. - Bishop of Philadelphia, Patron of Grammar. Chremes - Goddess of Low-Fat Dairy Products Chucks - Extra-dimensional Angelic Beings that take on the form of sports shoes in the mundane world to assist certain Otisians in quests of cosmic importance. Cicciolina, Saint - Patron Saint of Bringing Good Clean Fun to Politics. Clem - A maverick Otisian Missionary. Also an intelligence agent. Confused - Something the typical Otisian usually is. (see also "Spode," "Spode, The Game") Creiza - Goddess off Eddittinngg. Croom - Lesser breaches of proper doctrine. However, at least one Otisian Matriarch has declared "It is better to commit the daring crimes of froom than to participate in the pale and unoriginal misdemeanors of croom." From the Atlantean "Keroodi-feroomi." Ctesipho - God of Twinkies. D Decimal - (see "Base ten") Dentists' office reading - A coveted market for publications in which Purps has attained a niche. (see also "Purps") Desh - Otisian Hell for people who wear Hawaiian shirts. True Otisians wear plaid and paisley. (see "Reiod," "Heethor") Dharmakaya - the "essence body" of Otis, the universal principle of Otisness. Diller, Phyllis - A suspected Knight of Otis. Disney, Walt - (see "Walt Disney") Doc Savage - A crime fighter with mysterious ties to Otis. Some believe his very existence in every shape and form carries the word of Otis. He was born on the yacht "Orion" (a Greek form of Otis) near the coast of Naxos (see also) Real name: James Clark Wildman. Dogma - It cannot be a whole without its Catma. That which is shrouded in secrecy by the Otisian Elders. That which is whispered across the desert sands by the Knights of Otis. That which requires the sending of money to discover. Dolphins - All secretly want to have sex with humans. Dubedubedu, Mount - Site of the Great Oracle of Nepha on Atlantis. (see also "Nepha," "Atlantis") E Eight, The - Also known as "The Eight Who Serve the Four" (see also "Four, The") Traditionally counted as Arani, Heethor, Nepha, Creiza, Mhari-Llyn, Brow, Reaf, and Papsucker. Some sects recognize different rosters, however. Elbo - Goddess of Angles and Grease. ELF - Elvis Lives Forever. The motto of the Society of the Love Children of Elvis who carry his DNA. Their aim in life is to continue his spawn forever. (see "Elvis") Elvis - Is alive and working for Otis. (see also "SBI") Encolpius Ebriosus, Publius - Last Pontifex of Otis in Rome. He was executed by the Roman emperor Theodosius in 391 CE. Eporopo the Apostate - Caused Atlantis to sink. Exekestides - God of Insurance Salesmen F Fawna - The Otisian Bimbo. Fez - (1) The greatest of Four Great Tokens borne by the Pope. It is vastly superior to the Brown Bucket in spite of the perverted ideologies of certain heretics. (2) The holy city of Otis in Morocco. Fol - The last season of the Otisian year. Four - Holy number of Otis. Four, The - Otis, Lotus, Rhotos, and Spode. (see all) Four Animals of Otis - Alternately given as "haddock, owl, gerbil, and yak" or "uberlemming, kraken, gerbil, and yak." Only the gerbil and yak are universally recognized. Four Bodies of Otis - (see "Caturkaya") Four Gates of Dream - Iron, Earthenware, Horn, and Ivory. Fourism - The Otisian doctrine that four is the single most important number in the universe. A radical variant of this doctrine is that four and powers of four are the only numbers in the universe. In all cases where there appear to be, say, five apples, in reality either one apple is an illusion sent by the Zakynthians or there are 16 apples, 11 of which happen to be invisible (due to a Zakynthian mind- control device). Whether there can be one (four to the zero power) of anything is a hotly debated subject. Froom - Forbidden practices and extremely unorthodox doctrines. Please note that all froom is optional. From the Atlantean "Feroomi." (see also "Croom," "Genki") Frop - An unspeakably toothsome herb of the Tibetan mountains. Frued - God of Sexual Abstinance and Anal Retention. G Gates, Daryl F. - Renowned for his liberal drug enforcement policies. Gemstone File - The document containing the real truth about the JFK assassination. Remarkably, to this day, all references to Otis have been omitted. Genki - The state of Pure Bliss and Utter Lack of Froom. Gentle Persuasion - A book by OTISian Preacher Tim Howland. Geoffe, Pope - (see "Jeffe, Pope") Gilgamesh - One of Otis' drinking buddies from the old days. Gobi Desert - Once a flourishing tropical paradise civilization. Now only the Mysterious Stone Fezzes remain. (see "Fez") God X - God of Comparative Shopping. Goofy - God of Economics. Goth-Aliman - Otisian Hell of the Nazi Biker Bitches. GRA - Gastronomic Road Accidents. Every year over 15,000 people are involved in Gastronomic Road Accidents (GRA's), many seriously damaging their vehicles or persons. Grbl - God of Suffering. Great Purple Brotherhood - The great army of true and loyal Otisians, in or out of physical bodies. More primitive creeds have attempted to imitate this title but lacking the scientific sophistication of Otisianism they have mistaken the mostly ultra-violet color referred to in the title for white and thus began the long and sad association of white with "good" and black with "bad." Green shoes - An important part of the Papal Regalia. Groundhog Love Hodgepodge Extravaganza - A radio show of Otis that preached dogma to the masses and saved many individuals. H Hallucinogenetics - Something which needs inventing. Hathormuta - Incarnation of Heethor as Protectrix of Yaks. Not that Yaks need any special protection from Otisians as all folktales about Otisian mistreatment of Yaks are pure fiction. (see also "Heethor," "Yak") Haystack Monument - Site of Pope Jeoffe 1 of the Infinite Spellings and Preacher Tim of the House of Blue Light's first vision. Heethor - The Paisley Goddess, "She Who Never Straightly Doth Anything Do." She is especially known for manifesting in numerous incarnations, most famously Hythormadaralom (Lady of the Pope's Robes) and Heethor Claus (who brings gifts to good Otisians on the Wyntr Solstice). Heethorandhafter - Incarnation of Heethor as She Who Talks To People In Boxes. (see also "Heethor") Heethormas - A common Otisian name for the Wyntr Solstice. The full 16 Days of Heethormas are rarely celebrated anymore but the lesser Four Days are still observed. Heethor's Hernia - An Otisian oath. Heethymthombang - Incarnation of Heethor as Our Lady of Unexpected Plot Twists. (see also "Heethor") Henry - God of Gerbils. Hexidecimal - (see "Base sixteen") High Altitude Tibetan Bovine - (see "Yak") Himie Azif - Chief Architect of the Temple of Otis at Akshak. Ho-ho - An ancient Otisian greeting for times of crisis and sorrow. This was at one time a secret until leaked to the general world by the traitor Nik who, to this day, must suffer the "Curse of the Red Suit" because of his crime. Hoochie Coochie - The Official Ritual Dance of Otis. Hoosac Tunnel - The Tunnel of Spode in Williamstown, MA. Host of Gambier - First humans to flee Khen-Yan and land on Earth. House of Blue Light - A mysterious structure of no real defined purpose. Sacred to Otisianism as Mecca is to Islam. Mentioned in a novel by Mick Farren. House of Holiday Foods - A temple of Otis where one must know certain mysteries to enter. Spode is said to have been part of this House. Humpy - The Stumpy Bear. Worshiped in bathtub shrines. Hythorlinbeestee - Incarnation of Heethor as Lady of Peace, Sisterly Love, and Granola. Often a consort of Lotus. (see also "Heethor," "Lotus") Hythormadaralom - Incarnation of Heethor as Lady of the Pope's Robes. (see also "Heethor") I Idigna - (sometimes "Idiglat") One of the two sacred rivers of Otis in Sumer, site of the Great Temple of Akshak. (see also "Buranun") Igehf - An ancient Sumerian temple of Otis. IGHF - The Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes. (see "money") Ijereja - The first priestess of Otis. IKO - The Illuminated Knights of Otis. Imrana - The Great Cosmic River that runs between the worlds. Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes - The Papal See. International Yak Liberation Front - One of the early Purps arch- foes. Now safely in the custody of the Tibetan Authorities. IRBESG - The "I-Was-Raped-By-Extraterrestrials Support Group" Isenbrau, St. - 8th Century BCE incarnation of Brow as Patron of Fermented Drinks. (see also "Brow") Isis - A model goddess who, through her divine powers, ended up having her own Saturday morning TV show. J Jaka - The Ladder to Otis, the 44-Fold Path to Genkiiness. Jeffe, Pope - Current Pontiff of the Worldwide Temple of Otis. John - God/dess of Mediocrity. John, Rev. - Otisian Luminary and presidential candidate. Official Keeper of Humpy the Stumpy Bear. Spoken of in the Ancient Otisian Prophesies. (see also "Humpy") Johnson, Euphemia, St. - Patron of Spontaneous Combustion. Jordan, Adolf - Re-established Otisianism in the late 19th century. Jubela, Jubelo, Jubelum, and Jubelee - Plotters against Himie Azif. July 28 - Pee Wee Herman Day. K Kalighat - Temple in Calcutta. Otis manifestations have been seen here during the Durga Puja. Manifestations always wear a big white hat and an apron. In one hand Otis sometimes hold a long metal scepter with a wooden handle at one end and a large metal plate connected to the other. Kenyon College - Location of the Gates of Hell. Property of Disney. A land similar to Sumeria. Otis flourishes here. Knots, Don - One-time consort of Eris Esoteric. L Libation - An excuse to get drunk. Lingam - Ancient religious symbol seldom used in modern times. Its keepers supposedly showed it to the founders of America. Loaf Day - August 2nd, sacred to Lotus, when no good Otisian does a lick of work. Food, drink, and the TV remote are all set by the bedside the night before and the phone is taken off the hook lest some Otisless scum interrupt the worshiper's contemplation of peace. Lotus - God of Peace. Sometimes known by the epithet "Possessor of Dung." Also known as Zizyphus. M Maculate Conception - The First Dirty Thought of Mhari-Llyn which resulted in the parthenogenesis of Otis. Madonna - A symbol that appears in visions. MANA-YOOD-SUSHAI - Creator of the Universe, a "deus otiosus." Marmota Monax - An important church elder of the late Roman Empire. McDonald's - A popular fast-food restaurant run by aliens. (see "aliens") Mhari-Llyn - Goddess of Sex and Bodily Excretions. Misgivings Day - The day after Thanksgiving. Otisians celebrate by sharing their insecurities over a meal of raspberry tea, pop-tarts, and corn flakes. Mohakaya - the "confusion body" of Otis, the ineffable "otherness" of Otis. Money - Please send to 955 Massachusetts Ave, Suite 209, Cambridge MA, 02139-9183. N Nan Shan Mountains - Site of an ancient Hun burial. Among the plunder buried here was a set of clay tablets containing prophecies by Onomacritus the Seer made just before his execution by Darius of Persia. These prophecies are written in a cipher only the Ancient Knights of Otis can understand. Naxos - The "never-silent sands of Naxos" were the center of Classical Greek Otisianism. The Great Temple of Otis on Naxos was said to have been founded by Arijadene who brought the cult from Crete. Nepha - Goddess of Chocolate Easter Eggs. Net, The - The newest realm of Otis' influence. The trail was blazed by Pope Jeffe who will go down in history for it. New Years Day - April 1. Nirmanakaya - the "transformation body" of Otis, the physical manifestations of Otis on Earth to give his/her devotees deeper, more fulfilling lives. Nysa - The Home of the Gods, identified with a mountain peak of the same name on the now-sunken island of Atlantis. O Oannes - A late Babylonian form of Otis, half fish, half man. Odysseus - An euhemerized Greek form of Otis, "Otis-Zeus" (the zeta lost its dental aspect by dependent sound change) In Homer's epic he admits his true name is Outis (see "Otos") Ota - Swahili form of Otis, popular with the Mombasa underworld. Otas - Lenape (Delaware) Indian form of Otis. Otiosus - Latin form of Otis, demoted in the Empire to the God of Leisure. Otis - Ancient Atlantean God(dess) of Life. Call 1-800-444-OTIS to speak with Otis live. (see also "Otis") Otis - Sumerian version of the Atlantean God(dess) of Life, identical in all respects to the original. (see "Otis") Otisian Directory - Fine dogma from the Pope. (see "Money") Otisrobes - Especially the Papal Robes but in a more general sense, any ill-fiting and ugly garment. Otos - Ancient Greek form of Otis. Also known as "Outis." P Padma - Hindu form of Lotus, still worshiped in India today divorced from the rest of the Otisian pantheon. (see also "Lotus") Paisley Goddess - (see "Heethor") Papsucker - Grand Vizier of the Gods and Watcher at the Gate. Pee Wee Herman - (see "July 28") Pope's Birthday Party - The most important celebration of the OTISian year. Usually a good opportunity to witness an assassination attempt on the Pope. Purps - The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode. Also known as the Purple Thunderbolt Sutra of Many-Splendored Spode. It is currently available in periodical form on BitNet or InterNet via HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu (see also "Spode," "SBI") Pythia - A brown-suited priestess (possibly goddess) of the Brown Bucket cult. (see also "Brown Bucket") Q Quadrinity - Usually refers to The Four (see) but sometimes used for the Caturkaya (see also). Quinapalus - A great Otisian scholar of uncertain date. R Ragnarok - The big KA-BLOOIE, the end. Rath - A species of green pig sacred to Spode. The last survivors were poisoned by Zakynthians in the Bay of Mome affair. Reaf - God of Mind-Altering Plants. Call 1-800-444-REAF to speak with this very powerful deity. Reiod - God of Plaid. Rhodos - Center of Rhotos worship in Ancient Greece. (see "Rhotos") Rhotos - God of Death. Robb, Reverend - Keeper of the Lemur Spirit. Root Races - The four primeval races of humankind that all modern humans are descended from: "Fat People," "Skinny People," "Tall People," and "Short People." Rotary Club - A sub-division of the IGHF dedicated solely to Rhotos. (see "Rhotos," "IGHF") Rotomagus - Center of Rhotos worship (means "Rhotos the Magician" in Latin) in Roman Gaul. (see "Rhotos") Rubber Chicken - One of the Four Great Tokens carried by the Pope as symbol of his power. S Sambhogakaya - the "bliss body" of Otis, the Otis that just wants to party. Sanat Kumara - Leader and pilot of the Host of Gambier. Sannio - God of Sanitized Toilet Seats, Keeper of the Toilet Mysteries. SBI Industries - Makers of the world's finest submarine pens, patrons of Purps (see), and possible home of Elvis (see also). Screaming Prophets of Otis Triumphant - A sect of Otisians who shun the House of Holiday Foods. Scrense - To remove the harmful effects of froom. (see also) Senzar - The ancient Atlantean language. Sers - Otis' half-brother, God of Mars. Shark - Mother of the Divine Child. Shaven Yak Day - An important Otisian moveable feast. Sinister Ladies of Mystery - 12 dark planetoids orbiting the Earth, invisible to current technology. They draw off the pure and holy energy of Otis and reflect it back as froom. Sister Mary Truman - Legendary leader of the neo-Jesuit Apocalyptic Nuns. Knife fighter and former presidential candidate. Involved in the infamous "Yak Tossing Scandal." Slogath - One of the many Hells of Otisianism. Smashmas - June 21, holy to Brow, when good Otisians everywhere indulge in mindless violence. Especially popular is the custom of "bauching," heaving some large, heavy, complicated, and, ideally, expensive object (such as a piano or stereo system) out of a high window, attacking the remains with baseball bats and chainsaws, and then burning any remaining fragments. (see also "Brow") Soap - Goddess of Bureaucracy, not to be confused with the substance they give you little bars of at motels. SOG - Super Occult Genius, a power manifested by devout Otisians. Somer - The second season of the Otisian year. Spd - Egyptian name of Spode, identified with the star Sirius. (probably pronounced "Sped") Spering - The first season of the Otisian year. Spinach - Otis' favorite food. Spode - God of Confusion. Also, an ancient Otisian drinking game. (see also "Spode, The Game") Spode, The Game - A divine Otisian sacrament. Spodos Kulikon - A Classical Greek form of Spode, chiefly worshiped in that culture as the God of Drunkards. Spontaneous Human Combustion - One of the Otisian mysteries or sacraments. Stone Fezzes of the Sahara - (see "Fez") Subliminal Neckties - Looks just like an ordinary tie until you put it under the magnifying glass and see the subliminal messages imbedded in the weave. You'll be subliminally testifying for Otis every time you walk up to a heathen. Sumer - Ancient land where the worship of Otis flourished. Some consider this time the Golden Age of Otis. (see also "Otis") T Ted - God of Normalcy. Tim of the House of Blue Light, Preacher - Right hand man to Pope Jeffe and author of Gentle Persuasion. Tinfoil - Essential in stopping the brainwashing technology of the Zakynthians. Toilet Mysteries - The hidden inner teachings of the Illuminated Knights of Otis. Toilet Plunger - One of the Four Great Tokens carried by Pope Jeffe. Toveday - An Otisian holiday when toves are rudely awakened from their wyntr hibernation to see how they will react. Since the extinction of toves, badgers have been used in Europe while bears or groundhogs are popular in North America. On this day the priests of Spode chase naked women through the streets with whips and the common people throw beans at each other and cult images. (see also "toves") Toves - Ancient Atlantean creatures something like badgers, something like lizards, and something like corkscrews. They made nests under sundials and lived on cheese. They are now all extinct due to the Zakynthian Conspiracy. Tutivillus - One of the Angelic Beings in service of Creiza. Tyff, Saint - "She of the Bloody Pinking Shears," patron of vengeance and castration. U Uberlemmings - Large, powerful lemmings with blue eyes and lightly pigmented pelts who stand behind the other lemmings and push. "Utinam Brow rosum gardum proprium tuum visitant" - May Brow appear and stay in your rose garden! A common Otisian curse. "Utinam OTISiani spatium proprium tuum invadant" - May OTIS invade your personal space! A common Otisian greeting. Ura - An Atlantean term roughly corresponding to "O, great, wonderful, really neat-o, extra-special Lord(Lady) God ____" (ex. "Ura Otis," et c.) V Veesa - One of the evil demiurges (see also "Ameks"). Vooti - God of Disease. W Wabe - The grass plot around sundials. (see also "Toves") Walt Disney - A mysterious figure of Otisian legend. He is not dead at all, as the media would have the world know. Wayne - God of New Jersey. Wednesday - The holy day of Otis. Wyntr - The fourth and last season of the Otisian year. X X-Suh - A benevolent spaceman trapped in an Earth orbit. He transmits advice on ether waves of the space-time continuum. Y Yak - A hairy high altitude Tibetan bovine animal that should not be tossed under any circumstances. Any reports of Yak- tossing among Otisians are vicious propaganda spread by our enemies. Yak Appreciation Day - March 18. Celebrated by heavy drinking and howling "Yoooooooo!" from the top of the tallest building available at midnight. (see also "Yak") Yak Dung - A substance which is smoked in pipes. It is said to bring clear thinking. (see also "Yak") Yak Liberation Theology - An Otisian heresy popular in South America, recently repudiated by Pope Jeffe. Z Zakynthians - Evil enemies of all decent Otisians. Zakynthos - Ancient home of the vile Zakynthians. (see above) Zante - (see "Zakynthos") Zanzoona - A universal guide and master teacher, not a soccer player. Zech - The Love Bunny. Zipper - A fastening device invented by Otis to help hold Papal Robes together. Zizyphus - See "Lotus." ####===================================================================#### Purps on Gopher ####===================================================================#### [Here's the info you need to get Purps off a gopher server. If you can't figure this out use the veronica thingie and it will show you. Sadly at this time the Purps archives need to be updated a bit. I think they only have up to 46. I should be fixing this in a day or two. What is gopher you ask. Gopher is the program that contacts servers all over the internet and allows you to collect/read and find all manner of amazing information. It is well worth checking out. Plundering gopher space would no doubt yeild many a Purps submission. If you can't find a gopher server to play with, write give a yell in our direction and we'll see what we can do for you. For those of the Kenyon Crew, Kenyon has a gopher server up and on line now.] Date: Sat, 12 Jun 93 03:13:21 -0400 From: "T.S. Davies" Name=Purps Type=1 Port=70 Path=1/e-serials/alphabetic/p/purps Host=gopher.cic.net Name=Purps Type=1 Port=70 Path=1/Zines/Purps Host=uglymouse.css.itd.umich.edu ####===================================================================#### The Day the Clown Cried ####===================================================================#### [Lulu originally pointed this out to me.] From: revittej@ucsu.Colorado.EDU (REVITTE JOSEPH ALOYSIUS) Subject: Re: weird movie legend (Jerry Lewis) Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1993 05:04:40 GMT dvand@ctp.com (Derek Vandivere) writes: >In article <1993Feb28.003548.17186@netcom.com> rchao@netcom.com (Robert Chao) > writes: >>I have heard that Jerry Lewis was once in a film about a clown in >>a Nazi death camp. The clown's duty was to entertain the children >>prisoners as they waited to go off to die. I am not sure whether >>Lewis played the clown. >>Does this film actually exist? What do you know about it? >> >>-- >>Robert Chao >>Oakland, California >_Spy_ magazine, several months ago. The film (concept) exists, but hasn't >been made. Apparently, Lewis wanted it to be his serious ouevre, and just >didn't realize what a bad idea the movie was. Actually, this infamous movie was filmed! According to the article in Spy, (May 1992, "Jerry Goes to Death Camp!") the film was called "The Day the Clown Cried" and was filmed around 1972. It exists in a rough cut! The story was about an unhappy German clown sent to a concentration camp to become sort of a genocidal Pied Piper, entertaining Jewish children as he leads them to the gas chambers. The screenplay was written by Charles Denton and Joan O'Brien and the film was directed by the nutty professor himself. The movie starred Lewis, Harriet Andersson, and Sven Lindberg. Harry Shearer is one of the few who have supposedly seen this picture and comments "This movie is so drastically wrong, its pathos and comedy are so badly misplaced, that you could not, in your fantasy of what it might be like, improve on what it really is. 'Oh my God!'-- that's all you can say. ####===================================================================#### The FAQ ####===================================================================#### [This is the official Otisian Faq file. It should have all manner of important answers to equally important questions. As was said in the intro. This issue is designed to teach and illuminate.] Fact File for Otis/Otisian/InterGalactic House of Fruitcakes Version 1.0 by "Doc" Simpson Q: Who is Otis? A: Otis is the Ancient Sumerian God/dess of Life. Otis is also sometimes said to be Atlantian or Extraterrestrial. There is considerable confusion about the biological sex of Otis. S/He is alternately male, female, hermaphroditic, and asexual. Otis is rarely depicted as an anthropomorphic figure, more commonly S/He is represented by the Otis Symbol. Q: What is the Otis Symbol? A: Four arrows pointing outwards at right angles. Three are joined together at the center but the top arrow is drawn cut off from the lower three. Some say that this represents the myth in which Otis's head is cut off and never recovered. Others say it looks pretty. Q: What does this have to do with Otis Elevators? A: Elevators represent the 44-fold path to Genkiiness. Q: What does this have to do with Otis, Massachusetts? A: Otis, Massachusetts is the site of the Haystack Monument where the Great Haystack Monument Vision was revealed to Pope Jeffe and Preacher Tim. Q: What does this have to do with Otis in the movie Animal House? A: That's Otis. He loves us. Q: What does this have to do with Otis, the drunk, on the Andy Griffiths show? A: Otis, the drunk, represents the soul intoxicated by pure joyful union with Otis. Q: What is Otisianism? A: The humourous religion that worships Otis. This religion is notable for its general lack of ideology, its colorful mythology and rituals, and its rapidly evolving dogma. In addition to Otis, many other deities are worshiped. The most important are Lotus, Rotos, and Spode. Recently, Brow and Heethor have also risen to promenance. Other gods include Arani, Creiza, Frude, Reaf, Papsucker, Nepha, Mharillyn, Reiod, and Sannio among many others. In addition to Gods, many demi-gods, heroes, and saints are prayed to for intercession with the Gods. Special rituals are performed to avoid the influence of Otisianism's many demons and devils, especially B-Otis-2, the Sinister Ladies of Mystery, the Four Bad Horsies of the Apocalypse, and the twin demiurges, Veesa and Ameks. Q: What is the InterGalactic House of Fruitcakes? A: The IGHF is the only fully-registered Otis-worshipping organization on this pathetic little planet. It is currently headed by Pope Jephe I. The address is: IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave, Suite 209, Cambridge, MA 02139-9183, USA. Q: Who is Pope Jephe I? A: Pope Jeffe (who spells his name many different ways) received, along with Preacher Tim, the Haystack Monument Vision that revitalized the dying Otisian religion and built it up from decaying rubble to the mighty edifice that it is now. His early life is shrouded in mystery but it is said that his coming was foretold by the alien intelligence X-Suh and that he manifested many miraculous signs as a child. Q: Why is Pope Geofe a pope? Is Otisianism a form of Catholicism? A: Pope Jeffie is the 13th modern Pope of Otisianism. The first modern Pope was the great Victorian scientist and philosopher Adolph Jordan. Although Jordan was a member of many religious groups including the Theosophists, the Anthroposophists, the Swedenborgians, the Rosicrucians, the Golden Dawn, the OTO, and the Anglicans, he was never a member of the Roman Catholic Church. He got the idea of calling the high priest of the newly resurrected Otisian church "pope" from the fact that the last Otisian high priest of antiquity, Publius Encolpius Ebriosus, was a "pontifex" in the Roman "college" system. Jordan identified this with the title "pontifex maximus" given to the Bishop of Rome. Q: Is this the same as the Cult of Otis? A: No. The Cult of Otis worships a serial killer on death row in Texas. There is a slight possibility that the Cult of Otis might be related to the Black Brothers of Rotos, a monastic order that worships the Black Armchair of Death. However, most Otisians don't see very much funny in serial killers. Q: Who is Lotus? A: The God of Peace, Possessor of Dung, and an all-around sweet guy. His main holy day is August 2nd, Loaf Day, when good Otisians loaf off all day. Doing any form of unpleasant work is considered an unpardonable sin. Q: Who is Rotos? A: The God of Death, King of the Underworld, Keeper of the Rubber Chicken. His main holy day is October 31st, Brew Mare's Day, when starved Otisians dress in wild costumes and make a ritual meal out of any female horse in their path. Q: Who is Spode? A: The God of Confusion. His main holiday is May 1st, Bell Ring Day, when some Otisians sneak up behind people and ring loud bells while others have sex with nameless strangers. One of Spode's most powerful incarnations, Edward Spodick of Hong Kong, may be reached on BITNet at LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET Q: Who is Heethor? A: The Paisley Goddess, She Who Doth Never Nothing Straightly Do. She has appeared in billions of different incarnations over the years and her High Priest, Mal 3, is the editor of Purps. Her main holy day is Heethormas, December 21st. She appears in her avatar of Heethor Claus to deliver toys to small children. Q: Who is Brow? A: The God of Mindless Violence. His main festival is celebrated on June 21st, Smashmas. Devout Otisians break large delicate object into small fragments and dance naked around the burning remains. Q: Are there any rules in Otisianism? A: Yes, four. 1. Never play cards with a man named "Doc." 2. Never eat at a place called "Mom's." 3. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 4. Everything forbidden is optional. Q: What is the meaning of the fez? A: It is a very ancient Otisian symbol. The fez is always worn by the Pope and many other devout Otisians. Giant stone fezzes still stand in the Gobi desert as a testament to the great Otisian civilization that flourished there before the Eye of Rotos was turned upon it. Q: What is the meaning of the yak? A: The original Otisian Yak was the Wild Sumerian Yak, now extinct thanks to Operation Desert Storm. However, Otisians now use Tibetan Yaks for their rituals. Q: Why do Otisians toss yaks? A: Otisians do not now, nor have they ever, tossed yaks. That is a very nasty unpleasant rumour started by their enemies, the Zakynthians, to ruin their reputations. All reports of Otisian yak tossing should be ignored as cheap fabrications. Q: Who are the Zakynthians? A: Evil people who sacrifice babies, torture animals, destroy rainforests, cause unemployment and inflation, undermine family values, and eat dinner with their salad fork. They have been the mortal enemies of the righteous saintly Otisian religion for 11,000 years. The insidious mind-control devices that the Zakynthians have installed outside of all major cities may be counteracted with lots of tin foil. Q: Honestly now, is there any historical truth in this stuff? A: Of course, everything in Otisianism is true. However, relatively little is documented in non-partisan sources. A quick survey of easily verified second-party references is included for the sceptical. Otis is mentioned in passing in cuneiform tablets from Akshak but is given a much more lengthy treatment in Greek mythology (spelled Otos). Arani (spelled Arinna) was known to the Hittites and is attested to in the theophoric name "Aranare" in Minoan Crete. Both Heethor (Hathor) and Nepha (Nephthys) are well-known in Egyptian mythology. Spode appears in Egyptian astrology (Spd) and in Hellenistic drinking rituals (Spodos Kulikon). Rotos's name survives in the place-names Rhodos (Rhodes) and Rotomagus (Rouen) which were important cult-centers. Lotus (Padma) is still commonly worshiped in Hinduism. Q: What makes Otisianism better than, or even different from, Erisianism, the Church of the Subgenius, the Reformed Hassidic Druids, the Church of Beaver Cleaver, or any of the many other humourous religions around today? A: Otisianism officially recognizes the Erisians as a sister faith of great wisdom with whom the old Greek temples of Otos had many ties in antiquity. However, now that the hippies are all fat suburban bureaucrats or New Age gurus and LSD has become a "dangerous narcotic" the wind is all out of their sails. None of those who have laid claim to the name recently has shown one sixteenth of the brilliance of the original Principia Discordia. The SubGenii are over the hill but not dead yet. "Bob" is held in orthodox Otisianism to be "the name that may not be spoken." Any high school-educated McDonald's check-out clerk can see the humour in a saviour named "Bob." For this reason (and their adverts on MTv) the Church of the SubGenius will always attract the bulk of the herd. As far as those who worship Otis are concerned, they are welcome to them. Otisianism is a gourmet taste, like snails or chocolate- covered ants, that even the hard-core gastronomic adventurer may pass up. Otisian doctrine is obscure, complex, and rapidly changing. Hours of research may be required to discover that obscene pun in Swahili or tasteless reference to Hurrian funeral practice. One contributor's inside joke about Joseph Conrad may be seized upon by a second contributor to be the basis of her rewrite of a Bavarian fairy tale in a science-fiction setting. This creates endless layers of silliness that not even the most astute Otisian observer, certainly not the participants themselves, could ever hope to completely untangle. Many items of Otisian dogma are also propagated for a limited time only, such as the Otisian Weekly Mailings. Q: Are there any Otisian periodicals? A: There are four important ones at this writing. The "Otisian Directory" (and its occasional companion, the "Otisian Yellow Pages") is put together by Pope Jefi himself. This magazine is usually a mixture of Otisian dogma and art with reviews of other zines and music. Often the reviews are shot through with long digressions on Otisian theology, politics, or autobiography by the Pope. The digressions are frequently more interesting than the works being reviewed. The Otisian Directory is about four bucks per issue from the InterGalactic House of Fruitcakes, above. The "Otisian Weekly Mailings" are solid dogma in collage form, usually one page each, almost never once a week. Again, the Pope writes this himself so its frequency is dependent upon cash flow and work load at his day job. In theory, every Otisian should fervently worship, for that one week only, the item or concept expounded in the Weekly Mailing. Send "some cash" and see how long he'll keep you on the list. Highly recommended. "By the Balls of Brow" is edited by Rev. John, Otisianism's US presidential candidate. It is a compilation of the very best Otisian texts along with original art. "By the Balls of Brow" seems to come out once a year and costs four bucks. It is available from Pagan Publishing, 1409 Wilson Ave, Columbia, MO 65201 who also print a fantastic Call of Cthulhu magazine. Highly Recommended. "The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode" is affectionately known as "Purps" to most Otisians. Purps is an electronic magazine available on InterNet, BitNet, and associated computer networks. It is edited by the infamous Mal 3. Great gobs of Otisian mythology are first brought to light there and it constitutes that fastest moving theological forum in Otisianism. If you have access to such a computer net, Purps is a MUST! It is available, completely free of charge, by writing to HailOtis@SocPsy.Sci.FAU.Edu It is available in snail-mail form (send SASE) from SBI-Submarine Pens, 4521 S. Ocean Blvd, Highland Beach, FL 33487. At least two magazines that ran early Otisian material, the "Owl Creek Journal" and "Gateway," are now defunct but many more are in the planning stage, including one in Polish from Doc Simpson. Keep your ears pricked for new developments. Q: Is there an Otisian book? A: The "Peganagyo" (author unknown), the "Batrakhomuomakhia" by Pigres of Karia, the "Verae Historia" by Lucian, and the "Necronomicon" by Abdul Alhazred are all rather old Otisian works that may be found in almost any university library worth its salt. The complete works of Adolph Jordan are somewhat harder to find. A new book designed to appeal to a modern age is, at this writing, in the works. Please be waiting for what is sure to be its world-shaking publication some time in autumn 1993. ***************************************************************** Copyright Notice: This document may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without any permission from the author providing this copyright notice is included and no portions are altered, deleted, or rendered unintelligible. S.P.Simpson 28 May 1993 ***************************************************************** ####===================================================================#### Phone Sex ####===================================================================#### Subject: Re: Phone Sex Reaches Out to Girl Scout Callers From: system@codewks.nacjack.gen.nz (Wayne McDougall) Date: Tue, 23 Mar 93 16:31:38 NZST sharonc@meaddata.com (Sharon Crichton) writes: First heard this on the news this week. This came through on the UPI wire and I thought readers would find it amusing. HEADLINE: Phone sex reaches out to Girl Scout callers Some callers who want to use an 800 number to reach the Girl Scout's local office instead get to hear a seductive telephone sex service message. The Girl Scouts' 800 number, which it used since 1984, was dropped last year. But the listing remains in telephone books distributed last month by Ameritech Publishing. An unidentified sex line snapped up the number, which spells out 800-BAD-GIRL. A voice greets callers with a "Hi lover. Call us love right now ... for the wildest sex party ever." Callers are then told to call another 800 number and instructed to leave their phone numbers for a return collect call. "We're not pleased at all," said Jane Crites, executive director of the Applesee Ridge Girl Scout Council. "The message you get is surely not reflective of the Girl Scout program." AT&T told Girl Scout officials said they would try to persuade the sex-line operator to agree to place a block on the line on the number in northwest Ohio. Callers from northwestern Ohio now get a recording stating that the number was out of service in the 419 area code. Ana Gabriel, an AT&T spokeswoman who would not reveal the identity of the sex-line operator, said the company could not force the telephone sex line to make the change. She said AT&T has a policy of waiting six months before re-assigning telephone numbers. ####===================================================================#### THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ####===================================================================#### --Subink 1993