***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 44 ####========================================================#### "One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### Preintro: Okay here we go. I'm going to whack this together and send it out. It's been too long and now that there are a few dozen more subscribers Purps had better make an appearance. For those of you just tuning in, this is the 44th issue of Purps. It is now starting on its third year. Originally this esteemed journal of OTISIAN thought was edited by Pope Jephe of the Infinite Spellings. He edited the first 20 or so. Sad to say, the Pope had to go onto bigger and grander things in the real world, and lost his net access for awhile. So the holy office of Purps editor was handed over to me. I've been editing it ever since. Who is this OTIS being, you ask? Well, OTIS is the Ancient Sumerian God of just about everything. OTIS has been around for a very long time. So long in fact it cannot be revealed just how long it has been. OTIS is the head of a pantheon of Gods who to this day continue to grow. Or should I say, continue to be revealed to the masses. Much that is of OTIS is kept hidden by the Knights of OTIS for reasons only known unto them. If you would like to know more read the previous issues of Purps, they are chock full of important details, or drop the Pope a line at his E-mail address jstevens@world.std.com. He'll be more than willing to explain more. After all, that is one of his many tasks OTIS gave him to do. Also, you can send normal mail to the IGHF at the address given above. This is an important address and should be used regularly. The IGHF has a thankless job of spreading the world of OTIS to the world. Why not send them a few dollars. For the mere price of eating dinner at Burger Death you could make the IGHFs day and help defray the costs of the new budding Eastern European Mission. What you read in Purps are all OTISIAN revelations. Some hit you over the head with their Dogma. Others are very subtle, and it may take years for the meaning to sink in. Look at the world around you. OTIS has planted many many many clues to help guide you on the path to enlightenment. Real Intro: I suppose you could call this an intro, or perhaps you could call it an anniversary address. It's one of those wastes of text editors who are full of beans find necessary to place somewhere in their anniversary issue. In case you hadn't guessed it, Purps is yet another year older. We're starting on our Third year now. Amazed it lasted this long? I'm not. After all, we have the backing of divine entities in this one, and even though the forces of darkness as of late have been inflicting untold bad stuff on me I'm still alive. (Why hey, just last week I ended up in the emergency room because I was rolling around on the floor in a pool of sweat screaming feeling like I had a kidney stone...of course after many complex and no doubt expensive tests, which I hope the OTISian medical plan will be able to cover, they found nothing and decided I just had a "bad back" or something to that effect.) Perhaps I should just knuckle under and get this issue out before the next bad thing happens. Perhaps the shuttle will crash into our new pad or something of that nature. Still, usually September is the worst month of my life and since This is October, things should start being smooth sailing.[Yeah right.] Of course one could view my misfortunes as some sort of divine teachings/trials or what have you similar to what you'd find in the ancient OTISian texts. And I'm sure the pain I went through with the old back business was nothing compared to some of the ancient secret rituals of the Knights of OTIS. So what does one do in an anniversary issue? Well, mostly business as usual. I suppose, once again, the business about how we change the volume number to reflect the year and leave the issue number alone. Why do we do this? Some divine force inspired us. I had a dream a year ago where I was in a sea of numbers and they floated by in order. The sun rose and fell and after 365 times the numbers changed in appearance but continued to progress. Then another year went by and the same thing happened. Over and over again. I don't remember how many years. It certainly was many. No doubt each referred to an issue of Purps. I can't remember how high the numbers went, but I do remember it was higher than the highest number on a Doc Savage Novel. Of course the secret symbolism of Doc Savage has yet to be revealed in Purps so the true meaning of this may escape you. If you are troubled by this Pray to OTIS or perhaps follow the OTISian command of "SEND US MONEY". I'm sure with a cash donation to the IGHF they could start you on the long and fruitful road to enlightenment. Once again we'd like to thank everyone for their submissions. Hopefully by next issue we'll be caught up. We still have bushel baskets of them at this time, so if yours isn't in this issue it should be in the next. Please keep those submissions coming. Since it is coming close to the closing on the new year we are looking for future predictions. Will Clinton be caught in some tawdry scandal in the White House with a saxophone? Will he suddenly die and be mysteriously replaced by the Otisian Candidates? Will Humpy the Stumpy Bear ever get back to her home? Why is the mail box so far away from the beach and why is the line so long? We'll leave it up to you. Let OTIS inspire you. In the better late than never department: Another OTISIAN directory has come out. Write to the IGHF if you want more info or ask the Pope at his address. This is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. With the more or less death of Fact Sheet Five it's become hard to keep in touch with the mail underground. the OD does a bang up job of keeping you up to date. It also has amazing cool graphics and assorted stories of an OTISIAN nature. If you have any magazine or what not send them to the Pope and he'll get them into the Directory. Also there's the Unspeakable Oath. Write to the Rev John (see his address in his submission below somewhere. TUO is a high quality Call of Cthulhu publication with very interesting articles and quite good art. In fact it's worth just getting TUO for the art alone. If you are all interested in COC or HPL drop the Rev a line. Hmm I may be opening a can of worms on this but...Mal runs a sort of junk mail list. This list consists of posting that are usually way to big to fit in purps or just too odd or strange or what ever not to fit the Purps format. Information on this junk mail list ranges from UFO's to security holes in the Internet, to cake recipes to the hat size of the Pope, from just plain silly stuff to serious important facts. This list has a lot of volume and has in the past killed people's disk quotas. If you'd like to get on this list send a note to Mal@socpsy.sci.fau.edu. Rumor has it there's an OTISIAN book in the works. Keep your fingers crossed. The distribution list has been growing by leaps and bound thanks to High Weirdness by E-mail. I suppose you can get a copy of it from mporter@nyx.cs.du.edu. It's well worth getting (it's free after all) and contains a wide assortment of interesting and amusing things you can get ahold of. [A lot of our new subscribers I assume came off this list.] Okay, you've been bored to tears. One last thing. Keep in mind Purps is a friendly nice kind sort of publication. We don't bite or yell at people for doing stupid things. Silly things are encouraged. I sometimes get the idea from people trying to subscribe that we'll expect a pound of flesh from them. That's not the case. Purps is supposed to be fun. Religion is supposed to be fun! You've been conned all your lives into thinking it isn't. If anything, OTIS is here to bring you that message! ####===================================================================#### FUN WITH PLUTONIUM ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1992 17:45 HKT From: Subject: tidbits from the American Physical Society Group: aps-news, Item 86 (Current Item Range #18 - #94) Subject: 17-Jul-1992 From: pcdobson@usthk.bitnet, The Hong Kong University of Science & Technology 3. BUSH ORDERS HALT TO PLUTONIUM PRODUCTION--WHICH ENDED IN 1988. It's not clear where we would make plutonium anyway. The Hanford plutonium production facility released more contaminated water into the Columbia River than previously believed, according to a report issued this week. The President also stopped production of weapons grade uranium, which we haven't been making for nearly 30 years. The Natural Resources Defense Council estimates that 75 of the 100 metric tons of the plutonium on hand, along with 500 metric tons of enriched uranium, are surplus. In yet another bold move, the President announced that nuclear tests would be limited to six per year--the number currently scheduled. Group: aps-news, Item 87 (Current Item Range #18 - #94) Subject: 24-Jul-1992 From: pcdobson@usthk.bitnet, The Hong Kong University of Science & Technology Date: 25 Jul 92 11:28:28 HKT 1. PHYSICISTS IN EUROPE, JAPAN AND CANADA OPPOSE SPACE STATION! In an unprecedented joint statement issued today, the Presidents of a group of major scientific societies, including The American Physical Society, fired a blast at Space Station Freedom. That's hardly news; they do it every year. But this time, the statement was accompanied by the translation of a statement adopted by the German Physical Society. Like their American colleagues, German physicists contend Space Station Freedom cannot be justified on the basis of economics or science. And it didn't stop with the Germans! The strongly worded German statement was endorsed by the Executive Committee of the European Physical Society, and by the Presidents of the Physical Society of Japan, the Canadian Association of Physicists, and the American Physical Society; Japan, Europe and Canada are "partners" with the United States in the space station. Meanwhile, at a Capitol Hill press conference, Rep. Howard Wolpe (D-MI) released a letter signed by 75 of the most distinguished American space scientists; their letter contends the space station cannot be justified on the basis of its scientific usefulness or its importance to space exploration. Group: aps-news, Item 89 (Current Item Range #18 - #94) Subject: 31-Jul-1992 From: pcdobson@usthk.bitnet, The Hong Kong University of Science & Technology Date: 1 Aug 92 10:07:27 HKT 1. ATTEMPT TO KILL THE SPACE STATION IS EASILY DEFEATED IN HOUSE! An amendment to scrap the space station, offered by Bob Traxler (D-MI), failed 237 to 181 Wednesday night. Little had changed in a year; only a handful of additional votes were cast against the orbiting budget eater, and the claims of its proponents were as fanciful as ever. My favorite: one Florida congressman solemnly explained that the station is the beginning of human exploration of the galaxies. But back on Earth, the House found itself a bit short of cash by the end of the evening, so it levied an across- the-board cut of 1% on VA/HUD/IA appropriations, except veterans' medical care. NSF--which was already flat funded--shared in the cut. The cut would have been worse, but $380M was stripped from the unneeded Advanced Solid Rocket Motor program, leaving just $100M. It was like sharks attacking a wounded whale; ASRM is in the district of Rep. Jaime Whitten (D-MS), the Appropriations Committee chair, but he was too sick and old to fight them off. 2. SPACE STATION FREEDOM SEEMS CERTAIN TO SURVIVE IN THE SENATE. The full appropriations committee will take up the VA/HUD/IA bill today. Yesterday, the subcommittee called for the full $2.1B for the space station--$400M more than the House version. Where will the money come from? The National Aerospace Plane was zeroed and the Advanced X-Ray Astrophysics Facility was stretched out. NSF would actually get a $162M increase, but most of that would go to education. Research, which does not seem to rank near the top of Sen. Mikulski's priority list, would actually take a $20M cut. ####===================================================================#### SAFETY REPORT ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 09:16:00 EST From: "Nancy M. Piatkowski" Subject: a funny one (xpost) College papers (as we all know) especially the public safety reports are a often a source of humerous items. To brighten a Monday morning from the University of Buffalo's "Reporter"- the administrative paper I write- Public Safety received a report Aug 26 of a suspicious person outside the UB Commons (a mini-plaza on the campus). According to officers, it was an off-duty deputy watching concrete harden" ####===================================================================#### MARK 'O THE BEAST ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 09:33 HKT From: LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET Subject: FWD: MARK-OF-THE-BEA$T bar-code$ :) Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 19:25:00 CST From: Subject: MARK-OF-THE-BEA$T bar-code$ THE "MARK OF THE BEA$T" ALL Christians are PROHIBITED by Revelation 14:9-11 from cooperating with the "MARK-OF-THE-BEA$T" bar-code, OCR- number, and magnetic-strip scanning systems, (as found in local libraries, supermarkets, retail establishments, etc.), which also THREATEN to SUBVERT Individual Privacy and Freedom. The scanners can serve THE SAME CRIMINAL PURPOSE as the TV cameras in the book "1984"! The UPC bar-codes are probably the most blatant form of the "MARK OF THE BEA$T" so far, with the "NUMBER OF THE BEA$T", 666, ALREADY CODED INTO THEM. Each of the so-called "guard patterns", pairs of thin lines spaced close together at the beginning, middle, and end of each full-length UPC bar-code, is IDENTICAL to one of the two codes for a 6. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED. Robert E. McElwaine ####===================================================================#### LIBRARY HEADINGS ####===================================================================#### <01GP1KY67F608WWIR2@ACC.FAU.EDU>; Mon, 21 Sep 1992 10:48 EST Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 22:15 HKT From: Subject: a few amusements from an excellent book! From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago: American Library Association, c1991), p.456 _Funny LC Subject Headings_ These Library of Congress subject headings have been selected over the years by the LC Professional Association as the funniest and most interesting. Adult children Beehives see Bee - Housing Combustion, Spontaneous human Crummies see Cabooses (Railroad) Diving for men Drug abuse - Programmed instruction Errors and blunders, Literary Feet in the Bible Hand - Surgery - Juvenile literature Impurity centers Lord's supper - Admission age Lord's supper - Reservation Low German wit and humor Monotone operators Running races in rabbinical literature Sewage - Collected works Standing on one foot see One-leg resting position Stupidity see Inefficiency, Intellectual Surgery - Nutritional aspects Thumbing the nose see Shanghai gesture Urinary diversions Venereal disease - Programmed instruction Source: "Funny LC Subject Headings Revisited," _American Libraries_, May 1985, p.332 --------------- From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago: American Library Association, c1991), pp.453-4 selections from _Quasi-Perverse Subject Headings_ Truth - Fiction [HCL] Hormones - Addresses, essays, lectures [LC] Hemmorhoids in the Bible [HCL] Fish Pastes [May subdivide geographically] [LC] Graham Crackers and Sexuality [HCL] Turkey - Operas [HCL] Sex Aids (for Canaries) [HCL] ----------- From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago: American Library Association, c1991), p.465 _Little-Known Facts from the New York Public Library_ _Unusual Users_ A man from New Jersey spent eleven years doggedly tracking down the burial places of 60,000 New Jersey soldiers who fought in the Civil War. ("I might as well be plain with you," he said, "I'm a nut.") ----------- From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago: American Library Association, c1991), p.455 selections from _Quasi-Best Publishers' Warnings_ "Whoever Xeroxes this book calls down the curse of the seven motherless pigs." "This paper discolors with age and was ... selected for this qualty: if the pages are yellowing, the directory is obsolete and should not be used!" ####===================================================================#### THE STUMPY TABLETS ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 30 Sep 92 23:57:24 CDT From: Reverend John THE STUMPY TABLETS, part one (TABLETES STUMPITUS) as received and transcribed by the Reverend John While vacationing in Independence, Missouri (said by the Mormons to be the new Jurusalem, when Christ comes) I was strolling through the woods minding my own business when I underwent a most peculiar experience. A small brown bear with a wooden stump in place of one leg waddled into view, looking plucky and hopeful. I stopped in my tracks; she was a thing of beauty, a joy forever. She nodded at a nearby tree, which was partially rotted, and then wandered off into the forest. My heart racing, I hurried over to the tree. Inside, I found a set of six golden tablets. These tablets were curiously marked, and resembled nothing so much as cafeteria trays. Sure enough, there were spaces for the entree, the side dish, dessert and some bread. But in these spaces there was no food; no; lo; for within instead were inscribed words of great learning. I at once set about to transcribe these words. Many were difficult to comprehend, and thus the translation here is incomplete and puzzling at best. It is my fervent hope that other scholars can pick up where my humble faith has left off, and render these transcriptions in their full meaning, for all to see. That said, what follows are my best guesses at the contents of the Stumpy Tablets. (1) For the kingdom is soupful, and all fall within the spoon. (2) Those and with more besides shall not plenty be right. (3) Signs and thorns of symbol all incorrect. (4) Profess label for both and repairs for neither. (5) Plunge! Plunge! Plunge! (6) Next week tune in turn off tupper wear. in peace and good tidings, Rev uc521832@mizzou1.missouri.edu ####===================================================================#### FAMILY VALUES ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 16:54:52 -0400 (EDT) From: Fawn Fitter Subject: family values F A M I L Y V A L U D A Y S at W H O P P E R M A R T 1000s of Election Season Bargains for the whole Family! -- BACK-TO-SCHOOL SAVINGS on stationery, clothing, Bibles. Crosses 30 - 50% off! Theme Books (Christian themes only) only $2.48 - $5.89! Arnold Schwartzenegger lunch boxes now only $7.98! -- Beautiful FAMILY PORTRAITS now only $8.99! Portraits include Father, Mother (slightly shorter), and two children. Extra children at no charge. -- Trillion $$$ in TAX BREAKS, PRICE SUPPORTS, and PORK. Guaranteed NOT TO BUST YOUR BUDGET! (*) (*) Terms and conditions to be revealed after 1/21/93. -- Pre-Season savings on HALLOWEEN MASKS and COSTUMES! Ted Kennedy . . . . . . . . . . now only $7.99 Pat Schroeder . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6.99 Hillary Clinton . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10.99 Saddam Hussein . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.99 Welfare Mother . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.99 Assorted other Democrats . . . . 25 - 80% OFF! Liberal Media costumes . . . . . 30 - 80% OFF! -- MOTHER - DAUGHTER matching OUTFITS, now only 9.99 - 18.99! (*) (*) Proof of marriage required -- Your choice of QUALITY SCHOOLS! (*) Color -- YOU CHOOSE! Religion -- YOU CHOOSE! Sex Education -- YOU CHOOSE! Creationism -- YOU CHOOSE! Value of Pi -- YOU CHOOSE! (*) Prices not yet determined, but guaranteed to be less than existing public schools. -- 88 pc plastic DAN AND MARILYN DOLL SET, now only $22.88! (*) Includes plastic replica of Air Force 2, his 'n her offices with two copies of all important documents, Indiana National Guard uniform, aggressive young speechwriters, assorted Secret Service agents, and more! (Clothes for 11.5" dolls will fit.) (*) DAN doll slightly irregular. -- 1000 pc plastic GEORGE AND BARBARA DOLL SET! Includes Golf Set, vacant lot in Texas, three strands of pearls, Kennebunkport house w/ speed boat, Marine 1 helicopter, assorted banks and oil companies, sleep aids and thyroid pills, Secret Service agents, children and grandchildren (*) and much more! (*) Offspring sold separately. Collect the complete set! -- Heartwarming, lovable, BUCHANANSTAIN BEARS CHILDRENS' BOOKS only $2.17 each! The Buchananstain Bears Meet a Non-Judeo-Christian " " " and Too Many Homosexuals! " " " and the Liberal Media " " " in the Cultural War -- BIG SAVINGS on discontinued items: James Baker World Travel Kit, includes passport, Mid-East proposals, dictionary, field guide to world leaders Syrian Dictator Mask (replaced by Iraqi Dictator Mask) Drug-Loving Mexican Pres. Dart Board (replaced by NAFTA) Environmental Protection Agency Education President coloring books Sam Skinner / John Sununu / Dick Thornburgh action figures Anita Hill Halloween Mask (not scary enough) -- 1000s more items at BIG DISCOUNTS W H O P P E R M A R T 10 Acres of Discount Family Values ####===================================================================#### EVOLUTION ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 16:34:16 -0400 (EDT) From: Fawn Fitter Subject: vote early and often Presidential Evolution \\ \\\\ \\\\ \\\\// \\\\\ \\\\\\\ ( / | _-=\ / \\ o o |) . . ) |oo \\ _________\/ /_ | /_ | | ( / ) \ (___ | | / / /_ / o o \ |||) ' |_ / |____ | _________ \___/ _/ |__/ / \_______/ / |_/ / __/ \_____/ (____/ Carter Reagan Bush Quayle? ####===================================================================#### DAN QUAYLE ATTACKS WARNER BROTHERS ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 23:50:20 -0400 (EDT) From: Fawn Fitter Subject: Funnies (fwd) From: charlie@lindy.Stanford.EDU (Charlie Channel) Subject: Dan Quayle Attacks the Road Runner, Bugs and Tweety Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 15:48:24 GMT At the dinner table last night, my son said that Dan Quayle attacked Warner Bros., specifically the Road Runner and Bugs Bunny. ''The Road Runner,'' said Quayle, ''consistently and flagrantly flaunts disregard for the law. Such a role model sends the wrong message to minds that are in formation. In fact, the Road Runner continually attacks both family values and societal values. Kids run around the house where they ought not and grow up into adults that disregard red lights, stop signs and paying taxes. And that Hollywood conspiracy, for the sake of the almighty dollar, is driving the country into the ground. Do you wonder why Rodney King tried to run?'' Quayle also said, ''The important lessons of life are that a person can do those things and not get caught. Wile E. Coyote, who personifies the establishment, the police authorities and servants of the executive branch of the government, never catches the Road Runner. He's always running off a cliff and walking on air, until he notices he has exceeded the capacities of human common sense. It's only after he becomes aware of what others are so acutely knowledgeable about that he succumbs to the laws of gravity. So, despite his best attempts to bring the Road Runner to justice, to do what's right, to make a plan work, he fails. That is not the sort of morality Hollywood ought to be teaching our kids.'' One reporter in the audience prefaced a question about Bugs Bunny with the comment that televised cartoons should have no place in political discussions or the six o'clock news. Unfortunately, Dan Quayle did not permit him to finish and began a tyrade against Bugs. ''There's nobody more despicable than Bugs Bunny,'' he yelled. ''The common theme of denigrating authority, taking other people's property and generally being a culprit in destruction and mayhem is evident.'' ''I abhor the violence,'' he continued, ''because Bugs Bunny is actually a threat to civil order. In fact, he's outright seditious. Moreover, he makes the police look like idiots. What do you think it means when Elmer Fudd, who really represents law and order, attempts to level a shot gun at the rabbit and the rabbit shoves two carrots down the barrel. You know what happens when Elmer pulls the trigger? A good Republican is made to look like a fool, that's what!'' John Carman, a reporter for the S.F. Chronicle, commented that he didn't know Elmer was a Republican. The whispered comment was heard by Quayle, who addressed the issue. ''That's not the point,'' said Quayle. ''The point is family values are under attack, as are society values and political values. That's not the sort of thing anybody, any law abiding American citizen, should be teaching kids . . . I don't care how established, how profitable, and how legitimate the business.'' ''I was only joking,'' said Carman. ''It's no joke,'' replied Quayle, ''when you look at the pattern of things. Yosemite Sam, for example, another good, upstanding, law and order kind of guy. Positive role model. But, what do you think happens whenever he has a confrontation with the Bugs? The conspiracy is evident to even a casual observer.'' ''The media has a bias,'' Quayle continued. ''It's a liberal establishment favoring the Democrats. There's no doubt about that.'' ''Prove it,'' a heckler shounted, ''you've got 4 more months.'' ''Clearly,'' Quayle yelled, ''Jerry Brown and the Democrats always comes out on top. All you have to do is see how Sylvester fares when he attempts to catch Tweety, that little affectedly effete yellow bird. Don't think for a minute I don't know who Tweety is.'' Then Quayle, looking at the audience said, "You owe me, Bugs. You owe me!" I asked my 18 year old son what he made of all that. ''I think Mr. Quayle still watches too much TV.'' Next Saturday morning, TV news crews will be in homes and bars around the country filming and taping millions of Americans sitting down, staring at their TV's, looking like they're looking at a god, transfixed, waiting to see how the Road Runner, Bugs and Tweety will respond. Stay tooned! ####===================================================================#### A DEEPLY RELIGOUS TALE ####===================================================================#### (((((((((((((((((((((((((Chapter Five))))))))))))))) {As you may recall our hero had just gone into a dead faint when he came to the realization that something weird was going down. As our story opens, Wilberforce comes to his senses riding in the sidecar of a motorcycle driven by a large burly man who smells of stale beer and onion rings.} "Where am I?" yelled Wilberforce rubbing his eyes trying to be heard over the noise of the wind whistling by at 90 miles an hour. The diver did not appear to hear him. So he tried again and had the same results. He then looked around and noticed riding next to him Trixie and her husband, the part time angel, part time computer consultant. Trixie smiled at him and waved, taking off her heart shaped sun glasses to get a better look at him. Wilberforce waved feebly back as he was jounced back and forth in the side car into which he was wedged with three cases of beer. Our hero looked around, trying to figure out his location. He noticed a sign that said his home town was just ten miles away. He would be home soon and then have to deal with the Hell's Angels running amuck in his house. If he only had asked for those doberman pinschers instead of the zebra sofa in the divorce. That had been year ago and by now the dogs were probably dead. At least the couch was still in one piece. He wondered for a moment how one could take beer stains out of a zebra skin. Our hero sighed and sat back, trying to enjoy the ride since he could do nothing else, mulling over the events of the past few days and trying to ignore the few stray cats and dogs the Angels ran over. He felt very uncomfortable with these wildmen and women. One false move and he could be dead. He'd have to keep on Trixie's good side for that. It wasn't long before they arrived at Fredric's home. They had simply asked Wilberforce for directions and threatened to throw him out of the moving motorcycle if he didn't tell them. The horde of bikers roared up onto the front lawn spitting dirt and grass everywhere and badly scaring the grounds keeper who had been trimming the hedge. Inside they moved, tracking mud all over the artist's expensive carpets. Into the living room they went, to discover a man dressed in white robes sitting in an easy chair reading a magazine, smoking a pipe. Next to the chair rested a bull horn. The man looked up and quickly put down the magazine, picking the bull horn up with the other hand. He thumbed it on and spoke. "Well Mr. Wilberforce I see you've made it back. Did you fulfill your quest with the help of this gang of ruffians?" Wilberforce fainted. ****************** He came to on a lawn chair in the back yard. Next to him sat the divine messenger calmly smoking his pipe and doing a crossword puzzle. All around him the bikers were doing normal biker type stuff. Someone had found a badminton set and a game was in progress. "Drink this," suggested the messenger handing the artist a tall glass of ice tea. "Now sit up and tell me exactly what's been going on. You see I've been a bit busy lately and haven't had a chance to check on you. After all, we're a bit short when it come to help upstairs. The rise of t.v. evangelism is doing us no good at all." It took the fat artist a few minutes to pull himself together before he spoke. The messenger had sat calmly waiting, occasionally waving at one biker or another when they waved at him. Finally Fred spoke, "Well nothing much really." From inside a pocket on the messenger's flowing white robe an alarm went off. The messenger shook his head and pulled out a small electronic device with the word "Sony" printed on it. "Oh come on now, Mr. Wilberforce, something did happen. My lie detector here says you are lying." The artist's eyes bugged out at the sight of the device and he opened and closed his mouth,not saying anything. The messenger,seeing this reaction,handed him the lie detector so he could examine it. "We've managed to keep up with modern technology. No more burning bushes for us. We use the latest scientific equipment. After all, we're trying to save souls," explained the messenger. Fred examined the device and handed it back. "Okay,I'll tell you the truth. I'm no longer celibate. And I did it with a married woman." "Yes," said the messenger pulling out his little black book and writing in it. "I don't have to go on the quest now,right,since I'm not chaste any more?" added Wilberforce hopefully. "Wrong!" said the messenger. ####===================================================================#### CHRISTIANS ARE BEING DUPED! ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1992 01:49:43 -0400 From: Fawn Fitter Message-Id: <199209240549.AA16350@eff.org> Subject: Here's a good one for Purps... >From: gisle@ifi.uio.no (Gisle Hannemyr) >Subject: Re: CHRISTIANS ARE BEING DUPED! >Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 21:58:50 GMT > From: gee@dciem.dciem.dnd.ca (Thomas Gee) > Date: 23 Sep 92 14:14:48 GMT > CHRISTIANS ARE BEING DUPED! panic: dup christian in block 15540 > Most Christians would agree, and correctly so, that > Jesus Christ was a perfect living Master, and a projection of > God into the physical world, God Incarnate. Ah! God dot world JC = ------------- * world (Assuming world is in R^2) |world|^2 > First, Jesus Christ was NOT unique, John 3:16 NOTWITH- > STANDING. There is ALWAYS at least one such perfect living > Master (God Incarnate) PHYSICALLY ALIVE in this world AT ALL > TIMES, a continuous succession THROUGHOUT HISTORY, both > before and after the life of Jesus. So, if the incarnation is continuous, is it also differentiable? > The followers of some of these Masters founded the > world's major religions, usually PERVERTING the teachings of > their Master in the process. Christians, for example, added > THREATS of "ETERNAL DAMNATION" in Hell, and DELETED the > teaching of REincarnation. cat gospel hell | grep -v reincarnation > gospel ? (Except this fancy newfangled shell that I'm using doesn't let me do this anymore.) > Secondly, and more importantly, after a particular > Master physically dies and leaves this world, there is > NOTHING that He can do for ANYbody except for the relatively > few people that He INITIATED while He was still physically > alive. Ah, because only his children know their ppid? > These things are similarly true for followers of most > other major world religions, including Islam. But not those who worship at the feet of UNIX! (Death to the VMS infidels!) > One such perfect Master alive today is an American, Sri > Harold Klemp, the Living "Eck" Master or "Mahanta" for the > "Eckankar" organization, now headquartered in Minneapolis, > (P.O. Box 27300; zip 55427). Please make your cheques out to ..... > People would > behave much better toward each other if they knew that their > actions in the present will surely be reaped by them in the > future, or in a FUTURE INCARNATION! But if we didn't reap them, then they'd become zombies and just hang around cluttering up kmem. > PLANES OF EXISTENCE Backplanes of existence? > The physical universe is the LOWEST of AT LEAST a DOZEN > major levels of existence. Above the Physical Plane is the Data Link Plane > Astral Plane, the Causal Plane, the Mental Plane, the Etheric > Plane (often counted as the upper part of the Mental Plane), > the Soul Plane, and several higher Spiritual Planes Including the Network Plane, the Transport Plane, the Session Plane, the Presentation Plane, and --- the final ecstasy --- the Application Plane. > It is likely that ESP, telepathy, astrological > influences, radionic effects, biological transmutations [see > the 1972 book with that title.], and other phenomena without > an apparent physical origin, including VDT radiation and the ability to remember the emacs commands.. > SOUND CURRENT vs. BLIND FAITH vi vs. emacs > The "SOUND CURRENT" manifests differently for different > Initiates, and can sound like a rushing wind, ocean waves on > the sea shore, buzzing bees, higher-pitched buzzing sound, > various heavenly music, the Grateful Dead at 120 dB, > or other sounds. In Eckankar, > Members start hearing it near the end of their first year as > a Member. [I am a 2nd Initiate in Eckankar, and well into my > 5th year of Membership.] This and other experiences (such as > "SOUL TRAVEL") REPLACE blind faith. But when do you finally obtain emacs-competency? 8th initiate? 12th? Give me hope! > UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this > IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED. Well, perhaps slightly altered. > Robert E. McElwaine alt.religion.COMPUTERS, Bob. .COMPUTERS! ^^^^^^^^^^^ ####===================================================================#### SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 09 Sep 1992 18:17:34 EDT From: "With a voice like hot baby-oil in a cold computer classroom..." Subject: you know you missed me-- By the by,the letters in the phrase "Southern California" can be rearranged to form : "hot sun, or life in a car." Just thought I'd share that with you. ####===================================================================#### LETTERS ####===================================================================#### [The next couple are letters send out about new subscribers and such.] Good good! We can always use more recruits! Make it required. Advise them the IGHF needs money. Lots of money. Tell them where to send it! Remember you will receive a commission for any money they send in the form of some of that money being "donated" in your name. You'll go on the big board there at IGHF central with all the good peoples names. Mal ####===================================================================#### MORE LETTERS ####===================================================================#### >From: KENYON::DEBAECKEA 10-SEP-1992 16:17:19.13 >To: HILLV >CC: >Subj: Otis is calling... > >Hi! >Well, this is your UCCling Andrew once again, >just mailing to thank you for that wonderful piece of >literary artistry known as PURPS. I would be eternally grateful >if you would be so kind as to place me on the distribution list >and thereby begin the long and winding trail for me as an Initiate. >I can hardly wait to read some of your material. If your writing >is half as good as your UCCing, I'm sure I'm in for a real treat. >Catcha on the Flip Side, >AGD Blessed art thou for being so eager! You should rejoice having been steered on the correct path to enlightenment by your advisor. Trust her words, she is wise in the ways of many things and her contacts are many, divine and mystical. Ah but do not think of the trail to Initiation as long winding. For enlightenment of this magnitude it is a very very very short path compared to what other false religions offer. Take heart and soon you will be among the chosen of Otis. [And if the trail still seems too long and winding consider doing what the government does when it wants to deal with a long and winding road. It invests money and soon the road becomes straight and broad. This same philosophy can apply to Otis.] Hail Otis Mal ####===================================================================#### AND STILL MORE ####===================================================================#### >Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 16:17:18 EDT >From: wintera@kenyon.edu >To: PETER@socpsy.sci.fau.edu >Message-ID: <009609D1.9C6B7020.15567@kenyon.edu> >Subject: Re: hmmmmm > >Well, I suppose I'll just have to settle on being blessed two-fold for now. >Anyway, here's a lost yak I found wandering around in the bed next to mine who >became jealous of the 'interesting' mail I'm receiving. His address is >tackettm@kenyon.edu. Another lost yak just asked to be blessed as well. To >reach him during his circumambulations, you may address him at >jenkinp@kenyon.edu. May Otis bless him as well. Thanks be to Otis!! > > Andrew (Q.) > Ah you have done well so new to the cause and everything. Otis is one of the great mysteries of the universe and happens to be the greatest mystery of Kenyon. How else could you possibly meet the amazing Spode? Keep up the good work. I suggest you get in contact with the Arch Bis. I'm sure he can tell you of any upcoming activities and about the possibility of the Pope's B-day appearance at Kenyon. Also be sure to ask about Bar Trek. Hail Otis! Mal ####===================================================================#### ROCKET SAFETY CODE ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 14 Sep 92 21:38:02 CDT From: Reverend John Subject: hee hee Date: Monday, 14 September 1992 6:23pm CT From: BHeustess@utxvm.cc.utexas.edu Subject: Model Rocket Safety Code A friend got this list at World Con 50. It was produced by AFAN, Anything for a Nickel (PO Box 95, Canal Pt, FL 33438). I hope you enjoy it. I know that I did. I followed many of these rules myself when I was young. AFAN Model Rocket Safety Code 1. Materials: My model rocket will be constructed only of the flimsiest and most flammable material I can find. The nose cone shall be fitted with a metal spike, sharpened to a fine point. 2. Motors: I will use homemade, untested moodel rocket motors constructed in my basement from materials found in my toolshed, such as matchheads and old blasting caps. 3. Recovery: I vow never to use a recovery system of any kind, as doing so would deny me the pleasure of seeing panic-stricken spectators running in terror from the plummeting projectile. 4. Weight and Power limits: My model rocket will use a motor at least ten times more powerful than the manufacturer's reccomendation. Picture a Saturn V engine in a Volkswagen. 5. Stability: I vow never to check the stability of my model rocket before flight, and in fact will attempt to make my original designs as instable as possible, enhancing thier recreational value. 6. Payloads: My model rocket will carry either the most flammable, explosive payloads possible or live animals, or both. 7. Launch Site: I will launch my model rocket indoors whenever possible, or failing that, will find a hospital parking lot or congested street corner in a large urban area. 8. Launcher: I will use no launching device to guide my rocket into its flight path. Instead, I will simply stand it on its tail fins in a pile of dry weeds and dead grass and light the fuse. 9. Ignition Systems: I will use no ignition system except short lengths of fuse or Bic lighters. Bystanders will be encouraged to stand as close as possible to the launch in order to gain the full effect. 10. Launch Safety: I will never give up the element of surprise by alerting bystanders to an impending launch with a countdown. My rocket's liftoff angle shall be adjusted so that my rocket will impact a target of my choice, possibly the aforementioned bystanders. If my rocket suffers a misfire, I will encourage newcomers to pick up the rocket and look into the engine to see what the problem is. 11. Flying Conditions: If possible, I will fly my rocket only when the prevailing winds are blowing at more than 50 mph, creating more of a challenge for the recovery team. If a low-flying plane enters the launch zone, I will attempt to shoot it down for extra points. 12. Pre-Launch Test: When conducting research activities with unproven model rocket designs or methods, I will, when possible, determine the reliability of my model rocket by having a friend hold it while it is static fired. I will conduct the launching of an unproven design in a state of total inebriation, preferably at a Worldcon bid party. 13. Launch angle: At launch, my rocket will be pointed within 30 degrees of horizontal, as higher angles make it extremely difficult to accurately target plate glass windows. 14. Recovery Hazards: If a model rocket becomes entangled in a power line or other dangerous place, I will not attempt to retrieve it. Instead I will ask someone else to do so. I can barely type this list. I laugh too much. I apologize for any typos, they are my fault, not AFAN. Send me any additional rules or emendations to these rules. I would love to hear them. Brent Heustess ####===================================================================#### OTISIAN RITUAL ####===================================================================#### LIEBERE IV - The Star Pointing Backward Let the Adept be armed with his Magick Toilet Plunger ( and provided with his Mystic Bowling Towel (1)). In the center(2), let him give the O.T.I.S. signs(3); or if he knows them, if he will and dare do them, and can keep silent about them, the signs of A.I.O.K.O being the signs of Plunge, Flush, Foam, Splash(4). Omit the sign F.U.(5) Then let him advance to the East and make the Holy Arrow(6), saying: All Points in Space lead to Otodos.(8) Let him go round to the South, make the Holy Arrow and say: Fill us with your Light oh Otodos.(9) Let him go round to the North, make the Holy Arrow and then say: I see the Blue Light as it rises over the Horizon.(10) Let him then return to the Centre, and so to The Centre of All ( making the the Fourth Secret Sign as he may know how ) saying Otodos Otodos Otodos.(11) (In this the Signs shall be those of Spode Triumphant and of Rotus. Also shall Brow appear in the Circle. Let him drink of the Beer and let him communicate the same.(12)) Then let him say whatever he wishes, though his speech may be extremely garbled at this point.(13). Go Out among the nonbelievers and have tea with them and dwell in their houses in the usual fashion until such a time as they are drawn into the fold.(14) Let him then repeat the signs of O.T.I.S. but not the signs of B.-.B.: for it is not he that shall arise in the Sign of Elbow Rejoicing. NOTES: 1) The Magick Toilet Plunger is the Rod or Wand of the Initiate, in this context the erect penis. The Mystic Bowling Towel is the Holy Grail or Cup of the Priestess, ie, her vagina. 2) Of the circle. 3) See plate 3 - refers to a page in the transcripts of Akephalos of Cnidos ( Guild 1989 ) 4) Rerevealed to Pope Cool after their loss of a thousand years. 5) Taken from the Song of Brow 6) See page 454 - again refers to the transcripts of Akephalos of Cnidos ( Guild 1989 ) Copies of this operation can be found in many other places though, eg, IGHF Initiate Manual et al. 7) Perform the unmentionable rite than cannot appear in print. 8) Romans went on to steal this mystical phrase for use in advertising their city. 9) The More Adept of the Priests may attempt to get a donation out of the initiate at this time. 10) A perfect visualization is necessary for this step. The initiate must actually see the Blue Light rising from the Horizon. As a last resort a set of props consisting of a large globe of the earth and a blue light may be used. At all costs the Initiate must see the light. 11) It is permitted to have musical accompaniment at this point. 12) Any old beer will do. The more the better. 13) Tape recordings are permitted at this point. A written transcript of Brow's utterances MUST be sent immediately to the IGHF for verification and Holy record keeping purposes. 14) It may be necessary to shout this statement several times so that Brow will understand. In ancient times it was permitted to pin the instructions to the lapel of Brow's sport coat with a gold pin. ####===================================================================#### THE SECRETS OF SCIENTOLOGY ####===================================================================#### [Just because we can't reveal our secrets to the masses does not me we can't reveal other religions secrets.] From: lindsay+@cs.cmu.edu (Donald Lindsay) Subject: Xenu FAQ Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 01:39:37 GMT Apparently this material is part of OT III, "The Wall of Fire". Subject: Attack of the Thetans from the Planet Teegeeach! Date: 07 Nov 85 10:45:18 PST (Thu) From: jef@lbl-rtsg.arpa [from the Los Angeles Times, via the San Francisco Chronicle] SCIENTOLOGISTS SCRAMBLE TO KEEP SECRETS Los Angeles Documents obtained by the Los Angeles Times show that the members of the Church of Scientology believe that mankind's ills were caused by an evil ruler named Xemu who lived 75 million years ago. Scientologists have been trying to prevent the release of the documents, which they consider secret and sacred, and about 1500 church members crammed three floors of the Los Angeles County Courthouse on Monday, effectively blocking public access to documents. Nevertheless, the Los Angeles Times had already obtained access to the documents, which were submitted as part of a civil case brought by former Scientologist Larry Wollersheim, before lawyers for the Scientologists requested they be sealed. Wollersheim charges that the organization defrauded him by promising him higher intelligence and greater business success through Scientology courses that cost thousands of dollars. In arguing to keep the court documents sealed, the church has told its members that it could be physically and spiritually harmful for them to learn about the upper levels of Scientology before they have mastered the preparatory courses. Scientology attorneys have argued that disclosure of the material violates the group's religous freedom. Scientology is widely known for its use of "auditing", a form of one-to-one counselling in which a lie-detector-like instrument called an E-meter is used to help a person erase negative experiences, supposedly freeing him to achieve his full potential. The group bases its beliefs on the writings of L. Ron Hubbard, the reclusive science-fiction author who in the early 1950's published the best-seller "Dianetics: the Modern Science of Mental Health." What is rarely discussed, however, is Hubbard's secret teachings, which disclose his thoughts on why mankind has been plagued by problems through history, the topic of the disputed documents. Generally, the documents suggest that a major cause of mankind's problems began 75 million years ago, when the planet Earth, then called Teegeeach, was part of a confederation of 90 planets under the leadership of a tyrannical ruler named Xemu. Then, as now, the materials state, the chief problem was overpopulation. Xemu, the documents state, decided to take radical measures to overcome the overpopulation problem. Beings were captured on Earth and on other planets and flown to at least 10 volcanoes on Earth. The documents state that H-bombs far more powerful than any in existence today were dropped on the volcanoes, destroying the people but freeing their spirits, called "thetans," which attached themselves to one another in clusters. After the nuclear explosions, according to the documents, the thetans were trapped in a compound of frozen alcohol and glycol and, during a 36-day period, Xemu "implanted" in them the seeds of aberrant behavior for generations to come. When people die, those clusters attach to to other humans and keep perpetuating themselves. Before a Scientologist can learn about thetans and how to eradicate them, he must go through a progression of costly programs. For hours on Monday, Scientologists swamped workers in the clerk's office with hundreds of requests to photocopy the documents. Superior Court Judge Alfred L. Margolis, over strong objections, had issued an order Friday making the documents public at 9 a.m. Monday - on a first-come, first-served basis. Scientologists, by snaking the line through three courthouse hallways, made sure that they were the only ones to buy copies of the materials. Shortly before noon, Margolis, at the request of Scientology lawyers, resealed the materials, pending a hearing later this week. Jeff Pomerantz, a Scientology spokesman, said the strategy was intended to "keep the materials secure ... Religion is not supposed to be disseminated from the courtroom." --- From: goehring@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Scott Goehring) Date: 17 Jan 92 14:42:58 GMT [Excerpted from _L. Ron Hubbard: Messiah or Madman_, Bent Corydon, page 364. I have not edited this beyond word-wrapping it; any errors are OmniScan's fault.] The head of the Galactic Confederation (76 planets around larger stars visible from here) (founded 95,000,000 years ago, very space opera) solved overpopulation (250 billion or so per planet -- 178 billion on average) by mass implanting. He caused people to be brought to Teegeeack (Earth) and put an H Bomb on the principal volcanoes (incident 2) and then the Pacific ones were taken in boxes to _Hawaii_ and the Atlantic area ones to _Las Palmas_ and there "packaged." His name was Xenu. He used renegades. Various misleading data by means of circuits, etc., was placed in the implants. When through with his crime, Loyal Officers (to the people) captured him after six years of battle and put him in an electronic mountain trap where he still is. "They" are gone. The place (Confed.) has since been a desert. The length and brutality of it all was such that this Confederation never recovered. The implant is calculated to kill (by pneumonia, etc.) anyone who attempts to solve it. This liability has been dispensed with by my tech development. One can _free wheel_ through the implant and die unless it is approached as precisely outlined. The "free wheel" (auto running on and on) lasts too long, denies sleep, etc., and one dies.... In December '67 I knew somebody had to take the plunge. I did and emerged very knocked out but alive. Probably the only one ever to do so in 75,000,000 years. I have _all_ the data now but only that given here is needful.... ####===================================================================#### TROLLING FOR TAILLIGHTS ####===================================================================#### Subject: [RHF: "Trolling for Taillights" Highway Game] Date: Thu, 08 Oct 92 04:17:45 -0400 From: ""T.S. Davies"" Date: Wed, 7 Oct 92 4:30:04 EDT >From: jerbil@ultra.com (Joseph Beckenbach) Subject: New Highway Travel Game This has passed through several hands. The citation I have for it is one John De Armond , who appears to be one of the culprits. ------ Trolling for Taillights (and related Effluvia) Draft 3.0 (05/25/92) Introduction Trolling For Taillights (TFT) is becoming one of America's fastest growing highway participatory sports. It is loads of fun, requires only modest equipment and achieves justice on the highway. And it is Good Clean Fun (TM) at least until the target has to clean his drawers. TFT refers, of course, to the sport of communicating to other drivers by stimulating their radar detectors and observing and recording their responses. Only simple radio equipment is needed: an old microwave burglar alarm will do fine. More sophisticated equipment such as a Kustom KR-11 Instant On Moving Police Radar will yield better and more consistent results. Nontheless $10 worth of Gunn Oscillator will achieve quite adequate scores if the proper skills are practiced. How it Works: Think of RADAR as a Tractor Beam. It's a vector-subtraction ray, a negative speed insertion device: If the target is ahead, it sucks them back toward you; if they're behind, it pushes them away. One can also think of it as a high-tech version of the American Indian game of counting coup. In short, think of it as evolution in action, as in Road Warrior. Safety First: Because the target of your trolling may react erratically, certain basic safety rules are necessary. * No trolling of vehicles with less than two car lengths of clearance behind and in the lane to either side (if applicable.) This allows for an Unindended Deceleration Transient (UDT.) * No trolling of Texas Cadillacs (pickemup trucks.) with large dogs standing on the toolbox. The dog might not like it. * A minimum of 1/10 mile clearance between you and the target is required if the target is placarded with any of the following: "Flammable" "Explosive" "High Explosive" "Radioactive" "Nuclear Weapon" (2/10 mile for this one.) Special Awards: It is desirable to recognize outstanding fishermen in our ranks. Accordingly the following special award catagories are established: * The Million Dollar Club - A million total points. * The Kilobrake Trophy - Causing one thousand Brake applications. * 1000 Points of Light - Causing the most simultaneous brake lights in any one year. * Worked All States (WAS) - Snagging a trophy catch originating from each of the 50 states. * Golden Jam Award - Causing the largest traffic jam as a result of trolling WITHOUT involving a wreck in any one year. If you think you qualify, contact the management for your award. Video tape is highly recommended for scoring purposes and for documenting when the cop mistakes your head for a baby Harp Seal. Rules of Engagement: Trolling posture Proper trolling posture is in the right or next to right lane with the Radar at the ready but out of sight and de-energized. Speed should be at or slightly below the speed limit. Eligible Targets An eligible target is any vehicle that meets the above safety specifications and has a radar detector. Target Selection A target proceeding at greater than 20 mph over the posted speed limit is the most fertile in terms of variety of actions and presents the best odds of winning Adders and Multipliers. Firing techniques Forward - Wait until the target is a few car lengths in front of you and fire phasers. Best results are achieved if the Radar is bounced off a sign or overpass ahead of both you and the target. It is best to confine your range to that where you know your Radar will cause the target's detector to go full scale. Rear - Generally confined to eliminating Rear Bumper Dwellers because of the difficulty in scoring, the best technique is known as the Annie Oakley style. Simply lay the Radar across your shoulder and fire. Since you are achieving line of sight contact with his detector, the results are spectacular. The Tractor beam in action. Setting up for Subsequent Shots: If you have a target that appears to be fertile for a repeat multiplier, the best technique is to wait a minute or two and then pass the target. This encourages the target to resume trolling speed again. Lead the target for awhile to build his confidence and then lift the throttle and coast. Allow the target to pass you again and when you achieve minimum clearance, fire again. Repeat Phasors coupled with the vague recollection in the target's mind that you just slowed way down will generally lead to spectacular trolling. This technique can be use up to about 5 times (10 on yuppies and lawyers) on a given target before he figures something's up. About the 4th or 5th shot is the optimum time to set the target up for a nuke (see definition below.) The use of an intergalactic communicator (CB) is vitally handy for assessing the conditions favorable for nuking. Special Techniques and Definitions: These techniques have been found to produce better scores than shooting for lone targets. Nerd Herding: If you spot multiple cars equipped with radar detector, you can herd them into a cluster by zapping them each time one tries to pass another. Wolf Pack: Played by two or more cars in convoy, communicating on an obscure non-CB frequency: Wingman trails leader by about 1/2 mile, spots targets and gives early warning to leader. Leader fires rearward, hitting the marks with a strong head-on signal. Wingman confirms hits. Leader and wingman try to see how many marks they can herd between them. Left Lane Bandit Blasting: This dual purpose technique yields good scores and frequently busts up Left Lane Bandit clumps. This is the one instance where clearance rules are relaxed. This is used when the trolling vehicle is stuck behind a bunch of left-lane-bandits proceeding side by side with geriatrics (real or premature) in the more right lanes. If there are more than 3 or 4 cars in the clump, odds are one vehicle will have a radar detector and will be driven by a target who will respond to the troll even when going below the speed limit. Also known as the Paranoid Factor. Technique is to lift throttle (to give you some room) and firing into the crowd. The inherent entropy introduced by the tractor beam will tend to scatter the cars so that you can find a way through the mess. You bust a left lane bandit and score at the same time. Also known as "Bumper Cars." Yuppy Puppy: Canine Critters, generally of a large/exotic/expensive breed and always an utterly stupid, undisciplined monster. Yuppy Larvae: Similar to Yuppy Puppy except of human origin. Generally the result of her taking something seriously he poked at her in fun. Also known, depending on context and age, as "accident", Yard Ape, Busted Rubber, Curtain Climber or Precious. Personality characteristics are almost identical to the Yuppy Puppy except that the Larvae is louder and is generally allowed in restaurants and movie theaters where they do maximum damage. Scoring: Scoring is done in accordance with the following table. This table recognizes the added value of multiple hits on a given target and on the difficulty inherent in getting multiple responses from one hit. The easiest way to score is to get one of those handheld counting "clickers" like are used by the gate keepers at the ballpark to count fans. This is that chrome golf-ball sized orb that contains a mechanical counter and a pushbutton that increments the count. Available from your local office supply store for a nominal price. Scores can be kept in a log book for submittal to the management. Winners (and L00zers) will be recognized accordingly. Basic scoring: What the target does: Select all that apply and add. Looks about, slows down = 1 point Tail lights = 2 point Hard braking = 3 points Lane change = 3 points Hides his radar detector = 4 points Blue smoke from tires = 5 points Hits an exit = 10 points Turns off detector = 10 points. Pulls over and fakes car trouble = 12 points Hits median and goes the other way = 15 points Bonus Adders: Add these bonus points to whatever you got above: Fuzzy dice + 1 point Suction Cup Garfield (or other critter) + 1 point Was already below the speed limit + 2 points Cellphone in use + 2 points Radar detector has cord draped across dash + 2 points Eating/drinking interrupted + 2 points " " " , stuff spilled + 4 points Audio hit * + 3 points Yuppy puppy on board + 3 points Yuppy larvae on board (see definitions) + 3 points "" "" "" with sign announcing same + 5 points Slapping of yuppy larvae interrupted + 4 points Vanity tag + 5 points CB ** see below Makeup being applied + 6 points Head to head hit (opposite direction) + 8 points Bimbo (male or female) + 10 points Sexual act interrupted + 15 points Off-duty cop + 20 points Fully dressed police cruiser + 30 points Confirmed lawyer + 40 points Lawyer w/vanity tag that says "Tort" + 50 points * Audio hit - when you're close enough to hear the target's detector alarming. ** CB radio. Take 5 points for initial report of your hit on CB radio and 5 points for each 10 minutes it's talked about. Just add 'em all up and then do the multiplier. Multipliers: Take all that apply. Each subsequent hit on a target X (count of hits on that target) Yuppy scum X 2 BMW/Benz/Porche/Jap clone thereof X 3 Motorcycle X 5 (reflects rarity) Yuppy puppy bus (minivan) X 4 Lo-riders, similar vehicles X 3 Junker X 2 Nuke * X 10 * "Nuke" is the term used when the target is baited into busting a real radar trap. Ticket must be issued to count. Penalty box: Subtract these points: Target shoots back with single digit of the hand - 2 points with radar - 5 points with gun - 10 points Caught for speeding while trolling - 10 points Caught for more serious infraction while trolling - 15 points Operating without a radio license - 20 points Getting trolled by another competitor * - 20 points Getting caught by the Phuzz without license - 25 points Getting caught by Uncle Charlie without license - 30 points Having trolling implement confiscated - 40 pts + disqual. Caught for speeding by RADAR while trolling - 50 points * Defined as responding as a target to another competitor's tractor beam. ####===================================================================#### A DEEPLY RELIGOUS TALE ####===================================================================#### ((((((((((((((((((Chapter Six)))))))))))))))))))))))) {As our viewers may recall it seemed as if Wilberforce had managed to get himself freed from his quest by breaking his "vow" of celibacy.However, he found out that this was not the case. We join hour hero a split second after he hears this news.} Fred choked and gagged on the remains of his iced tea, spraying tea all over the lawn and causing many of the drunken frolicking Angels to fall over with laughter. "But...." whimpered the artist, wiping himself off with a blue cocktail napkin. "You're still on the quest. It's just that since you, ah, let's say strayed from the true path, things will get harder. Remember you need a virtuous soul to accomplish this task." "Me a virtuous soul?" "Good material is hard to find. Beside our panel of experts felt you'd make a great hero." "Me a hero?" "You sure are a hit with the women," said the messenger stirring his ice tea and motioning with is bull horn over at Trixie who was sunning herself on the lawn. "But she's a married woman." "Stranger things have happened." "Well now what?" "Well now that you've committed a sin you must do some other deed to redeem yourself. However, since I can't think of a task for you now we'll just opt for penance." "Penance?" asked Wilberforce trying to get comfortable in his chair. He felt more relieved now but annoyed over the fact that he was still on a quest. Also the Angels were beginning to bother him. They had started throwing sticks of dynamite into his kidney shaped pool and riding their bikes all over his award winning garden. They'd also managed to guzzle much of his wine cellar and had eaten most of the food in the house. All the servants had quit and the police had been over earlier to check out what was going on. However, the messenger had straighten things out by waving some official looking C.I.A. documents under his nose. "You have to get punished for sins. We could just have you wait until you go to hell, but you see, you need a clean soul for this quest so we'll have to get your penance out of the way now. Besides, as of late, Hell's been rather busy. A lot of the sinner are complaining about the long lines. Almost like going on a ride in Disneyland sometimes." "So what's my punishment?" whimpered the fat artist shaking, as his mind filled with visions on boiling acid and hot pokers. "Well you'll have to wear this blinking bow tie for the rest of your quest. And while you're away, a family of Chinese peasants will live here on your estate," said the divine messenger putting his bullhorn down for a moment to fish out a bright green bow tie covered with blinking Christmas lights. Overhead, a cargo plane flew. Out from it fell a large wooden crate covered with Chinese characters and pictures of exploding fireworks. A parachute opened from the crate. It eventually came to rest on the garage room where it broke open and out tumbled a wad of Chinese peasants in an assortment of sizes and ages. They immediately began to babble gibberish and inspect the house. The Hell Angels had stopped what they were doing to observe these strange events, giving the Chinese peasants a wide berth and coming over to where the artist and the messenger sat. "I'm supposed to wear that thing?" asked Wilberforce open mouthed, eyeing the merrily blinking bow tie. "That's not going to match any of my clothes." "Well this is supposed to be a punishment." "What about the peasants?" "I'll give you the number of the local immigration office as soon as you deliver the goods." "What goods?" asked on of the more sober Angels picking his teeth with a dirty thumb nail. Trixie came and sat on Fred's lap. Fred looked at the messenger. "Oh, don't worry about her anymore. You've already fouled up on that test, you might as well enjoy it while you can. Or should I turn her into a toad?" "No," said Fred, not quite understanding what was going on. "Fred, you look very confused. Here let me explain it. It's very simple. Now you slipped once, right? You're no longer celibate, right? And now you've had your penance, right? So now you're clean and since we can't really keep punishing you for the same thing over and over again you can just keep up your sinful ways. You've already paid for that sin once. I know it sounds contrary to what you've been taught, but I'm afraid with the shoestring budge we're working on we can only punish you once for something." "What?" said everyone including the Hell's Angels. "Now don't spread I told you around. It would ruin a lot of things." "Spread what around?" asked an Angel scratching his head. "Never mind. Just forget it. Fred, you have clearance from on high to fool about with Trixie as much as you want. Okay, we'll leave it at that." Fred smiled and then frowned and smiled again not know what to make of what the messenger had just said. Trixie hugged him. "Now about these goods?" started the leader. "Gentlemen, didn't Fred tell you he was on a holy quest?" "Yes," murmured a few. One fell over, too drunk to stand up any more. "Well if I tell you what 'the goods' are you'll have to go on the holy quest." "Does that mean we'll have to carry Scooby Do lunch boxes?" asked one. "And what's this celibate business?" asked another. "Look, I'll tell you what. I think I can bend the rule a little. You won't have to do any of the silly namby pamby holy stuff Fred here has to do. All you'll have to do is go on this quest." The angels looked at each other not knowing what to think. The divine messenger stood up. "I think I'll give you a few hours to think over my proposal. Remember you'll be putting your lives on the line, but it's a worthy cause. It will give you a chance to redeem your souls and besides you might make it into the papers. Well I'm off now to take a bath. Back in a few hours." With that the messenger faded out of existence leaving a large group of very bewildered people. Just as soon as the messenger was completely gone there was a loud rustling in the bushes and out stepped the man in top and tails. A smile was on his face and he carried a battered brief case. "Before you say yes to that fat head's offer, maybe you'd better listen to mine." {And so we end another chapter here. Chances are the reader might be extremely confused at this point so let's try to deconfuse you.} 1) You have to be celibate to go on a holy quest. 2) Fred was not celibate. He had to do penance to atone for his sins so his soul could be clean again. 3) Fred then could mess about as much as he wanted with Trixie because he has already atoned for his sin and he could not be punished for the same sin twice (Office policy. See heavenly memo #12985689496079584/W ). Normally you get punished for sins in Hell if you haven't confessed them and done penance for them before. A murderer or some other foul sinner usually doesn't go to church so he gets punished in hell. He things he's getting punished for very sin but actually he's only being punished once. Now if he does managed to confess and such and get penance on earth he really only has to do this once and then he can go about his business and do it again without fear of tainting his soul. However, this proved not to be very profitable for the churches so they spread the rumor that you had to atone for each misdeed. 4) The divine messenger is sort of in charge of watching over Fred and the Hell's angles so if he forgets to record a sin then they don't get punished for it. That's how he can bend the rules. 5) Besides it makes the story a lot more interesting. ####===================================================================#### THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ####===================================================================#### --Subink 1992 [Special thanks to Lulu for Proofreading.]