***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 39 ####========================================================#### "One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### Well here we are again with another issue of Purps. I wanted to throw more Messenger of the Gods into this but deadlines came and went and I figured it would be best if I just send this out. Summer is here, and hopefully that means they'll be a lot more time for me to devote to Purps. Hopefully I can finally get organized after the great Lulu exodus and what not. This issue will hopefully contain many exciting OTISian things for you to ponder over, including a glossary by the infamous Doc Simpson. (I have more material from him which will be appearing at a later date.) One of the problems I've been experiencing lately once again, is lack of submissions. OTIS needs your submissions! Submit! Submit! Submit! I would like to note however, that some folks have been sending us submissions and no doubt OTIS will bless them for it. It's just that those aren't enough. We need to hear from more people. Surely there are tons of nifty OTIS related things to submit! Of course I could put in a dire warning that an entire issue might have to be written by me. We all know what that means *shudder*. Anyway, on with the show. =========================================================================== YOUR DAILY DOSE OF IRON =========================================================================== From: mikkelson@thewav.enet.dec.com (snopes) Subject: Re: Iron in blood setting off metal detectors Date: 23 APR 92 09:51:30 In article <1992Apr15.201018.1@vm2.cis.pitt.edu> tjw@vm2.cis.pitt.edu writes: >See how much rust (iron oxide) will stick to a magnet. Since you brought it up . . . "When Kellogg Co. introduced Frosted Rice in 1977, it received letters from consumers who had discovered it was possible to pick the stuff up with a strong magnet. According to a company spokesman, 'We had problems evenly distributing the product's sugar coating,' wherein most of the iron was concentrated. Rather than attempt to even out the iron content, Kellogg simply reduced it from 25 percent of the FDA recommended daily allowance to 10 percent. In a statement to _The Wall Street Journal_, Kellogg promised that the new, improved -- and demagnetized -- version could not be lifted with magnets 'unless they are very, very strong.'" - snopes =========================================================================== B-B =========================================================================== Subject: "bob" campeau From: suddenly@leland.Stanford.EDU (David Smith) Date: Fri, 24 Apr 92 23:32:22 GMT Here is an excerpt from John Rothchild's book " Going for Broke: How Robert Campeua bankrupted the retail industry..." The quotations around "Bob" are the author's. "...Almost everyone I did interview, from the top bankers and deal-makers down to the people who had no more than a passing acquaintance with Campeau, referred to the man as "Bob." It was never "Mr. Campeau" or even "Robert Campeau," just "Bob." Journalists who are accustomed to using the last names only called Campeau "Bob." Ex-business partners, whether they liked him or not, did the same. This was so prevalent that I began calling him "Bob" in my questions, in spite of the fact that we'd never met. "What did Bob say," I'd ask a source," when Citicorp discovered he didn't have any equity?" Or," How often did Bob get his sheep injections in Germany?" That so many individuals with whom Campeau was linked casually and/or professionally would call him "Bob" must mean something. From what I can gather, it wasn't the familiar "Bob" that is customarily applied to friends and neighbors, because Campeau remained aloof, an enigma even to his closest associates. It was more a bemused "Bob" offered in amazement at his endearing and baffling antics, not the least of which was taking over two major corporations with virtually no money down..." No, I am not making this up. d. =========================================================================== OTIS IS CONFUSING =========================================================================== Date: Tue, 28 Apr 92 19:45:56 EDT From: Debbie Subject: Re: Subscription To: Underling of Otis In-Reply-To: Message of 27 Apr 92 06:53:58 EDT from Was so thrilled to find message that my subscription to PURPS had been accepted. I mean, who knows how many committees and security checks my application had to go through! Anyway, as I was leaving the computer lab, my head bowed in grateful thanks, the elevator doors opened and what did I see? OTIS! Written right there on the floor of the elevator! I know you're thinking that OTIS is the elevator company name, but I had been in that elevator millions of other times, and never noticed that OTIS was written on the floor. It was a cosmic experience, like...like..a THUNDERBOLT had hit me! I'll never forget it. Could you give me some background on OTIS and Spode? Not that every- thing I've read so far doesn't make perfect sense or anything, just for my own personal use I'd like to hear the history. Thanks much. Deb [The fastest and easiest way to get background on OTIS and Spode is to read the back issues of Purps. (Available from HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu or from quartz.rutgers.edu in the /pub/journals/purps directory.) Of course there are also tons of printed material as well. Most of this has not made it's way onto the network. The worship of OTIS only recently moved onto the Internet. Before that, it was going strongly through the mail, by word of mouth, and the traveling OTIS Medicine show. Of course the best way to get more "stuff" about OTIS is to send money to the IGHF (address at top). That is the address you also need to use if you want to get initiated into the deeper mysteries of OTISianism. They'll teach you how to Summon Brow For Tea among other things. Of course, if you know the signs and signals, you can contact The Most Ancient Order Of The Knights Of OTIS. Finally, there is a set of Doc Simpson's lectures on The Ancient History of OTIS. These however are not readily available due to the good Doctor constantly being busy. The best place to get a hold of those would be to write to the IGHF as well. As for things not making sense to you, well, that takes time. OTIS is a very complex and ancient religion. Traditions passed down over thousands of years can sometimes cause the original concepts to become a bit garbled. Take for example a Samaritan Priest and bring him to our time. Then say to him "E.T. phone home." This phrase would make absolutely no sense to him. Now reverse the time element. For example an Ancient Knight of OTIS comes up to you and says "XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXXX XX XXXXXXX" (NOTE: Mystical Phrase censored because you have not sent the IGHF enough money to even be given a hint that this phrase exists.) As you see, confusion results. To become unconfused, you must delve deeply into the "stuff" of OTIS, and even then the truth may escape you because OTIS is giving you one of her "tests of faith." ] =========================================================================== VOTE EARLY. VOTE OFTEN. =========================================================================== From: paul iverson Subject: FWD>None To: paul_iverson@qmrelay.mail.cornell.edu Message-id: <3EE13555EA22A6ED@ACC.FAU.EDU> Date: Fri, 24 Apr 92 09:25:34 PDT From: eto@seti.Jpl.Nasa.Gov (Edward T. Olsen) "USA Today" is running a poll following the COBE-DMR announcement of the detection of anisotropy in the microwave background. The poll question: "Should NASA be studying the origin of the universe? Is exploring the 'Big Bang' theory worth $400 million?" To respond, either o Call TOLL-FREE 1-800-828-0909 o Fax 703-247-3134 or, for the technologically impaired, write to Letters to the Editor 100 Wilson Blvd Arlington, VA 22229 Vote early and often! It's free and it feels good! Wouldn't it be a shame if this message were to be spread through the E-mail net? =========================================================================== OTIS AND POLITICS =========================================================================== From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu Subject: Hail Otis! for he has halitosis Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1992 15:46 EST Pat Bucannons last speech was incredible. He stated all the reasons why he thought America was in decline and it was all because of a decline in moral values throughout the land. Art, Movies, the Press, MTV, public TV, the radio all came under attack for one reason or another. He thinks that America should get all of these under very strict control for greater moral integrity. Well all right Pat my boy, I think you should enforce strict OTIS morality. 1) "Hail OTIS!" must be stated or written on every piece of mass public media every 30 minutes, or every 4 square yards. 2) Every American must eat at least one chili dog each week or be lathered in mustard in public. 3) All politicians are heretofore required to begin each sentence with an apology. 4) Any gratuitous display of sensibility should be met with swift beatings with wet noodles(Pat will enjoy that one). 5) ll wrtng frm nw n mst nvr s ny vwls, nyn cght sng vwls wll hv thr tng plld frm thr mths. 6) Nythng myslf dnt lk myslf shll dstry, I can, oops , Aaaaah! NO NO NOT THAT! @!$#%@$#%@#$% [Actually, the OTISians do have a political party. You need to see issues about 20 -30 for all the dope on it. Alas, as of late, the driving force behind this political movement, mainly Humpy the Stumpy Bear, has been lost in vortex of some sort due to some irresponsible experimentation on the part of one of our South Florida OTISians. Hopefully this situation will be fixed very soon.] =========================================================================== EASTER =========================================================================== Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1992 19:14:18 EDT From: "The words inside you can't come out / you analyze what it's about/and I know where to find you when the day is done...-A. Logic" To: hailotis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu Subject: submit?? (Alternately it could be included in PURPS as proof that while I may not worship OTIS, I do know how be entertaining periodically...) "At St. Stephens Episcopal Church in Armonk, NY, at Easter each person was issued a potted hyacinth, and we'd sing a song that had a lot of "alleluias" in it, and every time we'd get to one, we'd hoist our pots over our heads. This is the truth. Remember it the next time somebody tell you Episcopalians never really get loose." -Dave Barry, Chicago Tribune =========================================================================== SPACEMAN FALSE ALARM =========================================================================== Date: Wed, 29 Apr 92 14:54:54 MDT From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: weather funny Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1992 12:54:15 -0600 From: Bear Giles Subject: Risks of a modern weatherman (From the bulletin board down the hall...) Network Wind Profiler Severely Damaged A wind profiler in OAR's Wind Profiler Demonstration Network (WPDN) was severely damaged by several shot-gun blasts late last week. On March 28, just before sunrise, two men and one woman were pheasant hunting in southern Nebraska [and] came across the McCook wind profiler and mistook it for an alien spacecraft. Frightened, they fired a number of shots damaging the profiler antenna and the electronics shed. Furthermore, a Forecast Systems Lab (FSL) technician who was in the shed conducting routine system checks was taken hostage by the hunters. After being held captive for nearly two hours, the technician's partner arrived and explained to the hunters what the profiler really was. The hunters then fled and so far, they have not been apprehended by law enforcement officials. Profiler damage is estimated at $150,000. - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - A profiler (developed in the building where I work) is a phase-array radar which "looks" nearly straight up. The basic model can determine wind direction and speed from the ground to about 50 mb (around 20km, at a guess); a recently developed enhancement can also determine air temperature up to the tropopause. They are used in a manner similar to weather balloons, but provided hourly summaries instead of 12-hour reports. (They operate continuously, but the data is rather noisy). I've never seen an actual profiler on the ground, but the models and artist's conceptions show a flat rectangular grid. Coworkers describe it as a "construction junkyard", or "flat pipes" held about 4 ft above the ground. Of course, those of us in the mountains have a very low opinion of plains-dwellers. Several meteorologists on a "storm chase" last year reported on Kansan walking up to them (on the side of the road) and asking "Is that a tornado?" What he thought the large funnel cloud a few miles away was, if not a tornado, nobody has every figured out... Bear Giles bear@fsl.noaa.gov [Yes -- the "fsl" is for Forecast Systems Lab] National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration / Boulder Labs =========================================================================== VIRUS ALERT =========================================================================== From: hoffman@seas.gwu.edu (Lance J. Hoffman) Subject: Major Virus Alert (Humor!) Date: 28 Apr 92 03:58:28 GMT With thanks to Michael Brodie for passing it on, From: Michael L. Brodie -----> M A J O R V I R U S A L E R T <----- * George Bush Virus - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November * Ted Kennedy Virus - Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened * Warren Commission Virus - Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years * Jerry Brown Virus - Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number * David Duke Virus - Makes your screen go completely white * Congress Virus - Overdraws your disk space * Paul Tsongas Virus - Pops up on Dec. 25 and says "I'm Not Santa Claus" * Pat Buchanan Virus - Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen * Dan Quayle Virus - Forces your computer to play "PGA TOUR" from 10am to 4pm 6 days a week * Bill Clinton Virus - This virus mutates from region to region. We're not exactly sure what it does. * Richard Nixon Virus - aka the "Tricky Dick Virus" you can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback. * H. Ross Perot Virus - same as the Jerry Brown virus, only nicer fonts are used, and it appears to have had a lot more money put into its development. via Charon 3.4 with IPX id 102.920504090049.448; =========================================================================== BUSH-LISH DICTIONARY =========================================================================== [Here's a golden opportunity for submissions. This OTISian has barely scratched the surface of BUSH-LISH. Send in your own set of examples.] Date: Mon, 4 May 1992 09:02 EST From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu Subject: Hail OTIS I really got a kick out of President Bush's speech in response to the burning of LA. His (ab)use of the English language is just genius. [no doubt a blessing for Crieza.] I think a dictionary of Bush-lish should be compiled so that the common man can come to understand the complexities inherent in his use of verbiage. A few prime examples (would like to hear more): A lawless group of anarchists: One hell of a bunch of protesting pissed off people. Guests: Hostages No New Taxes: U GONNA PAY SUCKER!~ Smart Bombs: 40% accurate and don't worry about the civilians (mistakes) Domestic Policy: No Comment =========================================================================== WACKY GROUPS TO WRITE TO =========================================================================== Date: Mon, 4 May 92 18:05:12 MDT From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: wacky groups and their addresses From: terry.mccombs@matrix.sbs.com (Terry Mccombs) Subject: INTERESTING MAIL. Date: 29 Apr 92 00:52:00 GMT Below are some advertising that I have seen of late, and it's all real, I have no idea what you would get if you were to send off for any of these but if any of you do PLEASE tell us what you got in return for your inquiry. ALL KINDS OF STUFF OUT THERE 1. GUARDIAN ANGELS -- Discover amazing facts concerning their existence! Free details -- Mamre 107 2nd Avenue, Murfreeboro TN 37130. 2. ANGELS OF LIGHT -- America's fastest growing religion. S.A.S.E. P.O. Box 18462, Raleigh NC 27619. 3. DO RELIGIONS CAUSE WARS? -- Startling answers to deepest questions in Percival Books. Unlike any other you've read FREE brochure. Word Foundation, P.O. Box 180340-F, Dallas TX 75218. 4. ANTHROPOSOPHY penetrates guidance and hindrances from other realms, (huh? T.Mc) and more. free catalog. Anthroposopy Press, Suite 20, R.R. 4 Box 94AI, Hudson NY 12534. 5. JESUS, MOSES, MARY BURIED IN INDIA! Guaranteed true! Free photos, proofs! Geo-1, Box 607, Adelanto CA 92301. 6. MAD SCIENTIST MAGAZINE. Hyperspace, Boolean demonology, parachemistry, more. Sample $4.95. Six issues $19.95 P.O. Box 8242, Salem MA 01971-8242. 7. UFO AFRINEWS: All-African UFO reports. Enquiries: Gemini, Box MP 49, Harare, Zimbabwe. 8. GEORGE WASHINGTON CALLED THEM Pealers. They were feared, respected, held in awe. They still are! Pealer Group, 41-15 46 St., Dept. 2M, L.I.C. NY 11104. Information and membership $5.00. 9. KILL THE ALIENS, steal the saucer. $5.00 Postal Money Orders Only. Shadow Wolf Unlimited, Box 457, Glennallen AK 99588. 10. VAMPIRES EXIST JOIN US! $5.00 Box 3582, Lacey WA 98503. 11. VOUDOUN, VOODOO, neo-African systems, catalog with Temple supplies $8.00, classes on tape, ritual work by request. -- T.O.T.S., 1317 North San Fernando Blvd., Suite 310, Burbank CA 91504. =========================================================================== TALK =========================================================================== Date: Tue, 05 May 1992 13:15:56 EDT From: "Thus though we cannot make our sun / stand still, yet we will make him run. --Andrew Marvell" Subject: silly parent Subject: Talk Date: Tue, 05 May 92 10:07:22 -0400 From: vhill@math08.gatech.edu The 18th century mathematician Euler (not as in Houston Euler!) spent much of his career in Russia. He made a brief visit to Prussia, and a princess there commented, "Herr Euler, you do not talk very much." He replied, "Madam, where I live, people who talk too much are hanged!" =========================================================================== WORD OF THE DAY =========================================================================== Date: Thu, 7 May 92 09:43:02 MDT From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: Word for the day From: ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (AjD) necrodepilafelaphilophobia It means, "fear of having sex with a dead, shaven cat." Use it wisely. AjD =========================================================================== POEM =========================================================================== Date: Thu, 07 May 1992 18:36:04 EDT From: now i love you and you love me and books are shutter than books can be -- ee cummings Subject: not an original From: VAX001::GREGORY "Can you say 7.5? --Thrash" 1-FEB-1991 18:58:03.48 Subj: pome! The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat. (Found this on some rutgers internet fortune-telling thing) =========================================================================== PC SPEAK =========================================================================== Date: Thu, 7 May 92 12:43:17 MDT From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: more PC speak for your dictionaries From: carasso@netcom.com (RDC) Date: Tue, 05 May 92 04:42:43 GMT Blunt Euphemism ----- --------- old chronologically gifted dead metabolically challenged (formerly Necro-American) ugly cosmetically oppressed bald follicle-impaired asinine special fatso person of mass animal person of species female person of gender grouchy other-mooded tedious attentionally disabling lost positionally challenged unreal metaphysically problematic slouch motivationally impaired evil ethically alternative stupid differently clued carasso Egregious-Man =========================================================================== THE MICROSOFT CONSPIRACY =========================================================================== From: axd7104@acfcluster.nyu.edu (Aaron Dickey) Subject: Microsoft advocates killing of Jews Date: 29 Apr 92 23:24:20 GMT Hey everyone! Did you know that Microsoft is advocating the killing of Jews in New York City? I sure didn't! But it's true! I read it in the paper! Get ready for a whopper. Once again the news media proves that it doesn't know the first thing about computers. The entire story, retransmitted without permission, is below, as it appeared in today's New York Post. For those who don't know, the Post is a tabloid paper, where the entire front page is one huge headline. So, screaming out at millions of New Yorkers this morning was the headline, "PROGRAM OF HATE". Above the headline is a photo of one of those old PC green-screen displays, with "NYC" = superimposed on the screen. Above that is a subheadline, "Millions of computers carry secret message that urges death to Jews in New York City..." So, without further ado, here's the story: ANTI-JEWISH CODE LURKS IN POPULAR SOFTWARE, by Don Broderick One of the world's best-selling computer programs contains a secret anti-Semitic message apparently urging death to Jews in New York City. A computer consultant discovered the diabolic message while installing Microsoft's new Windows 3.1 software for a client yesterday. The consultant was testing a mailing-address use of the program when he noticed the letters "NYC" had been replaced by a hateful message - a skull and crossbones, the Star of David and an approving thumbs-up symbol. Microsoft strongly denies any hidden message. Others disagree. "There's no way it could be a random coincidence," said Brian Young, a friend of the consultant, who does not wish to be named. "It's pretty scary. I was pretty shocked by the whole thing." Computer owners who use Microsoft Excel, Microsoft Word or any other Microsoft program containing a print font named "Wingdings" can duplicate the anti-Semitic message by typing the letters "NYC" on their screen. Microsoft said "Wingdings" was designed by Bigelow and Holmes, an outside vendor, and denied that Microsoft intentionally designed the secret message. Prof. Charles Bigelow confirmed that his company provided the symbols, but insisted that Microsoft made the final "mapping" decisions assigning his symbols to specific keys on the keyboard. But a senior Microsoft spokesman said the charge that the fonts contain a hidden message is "outrageous." "It's like saying that if you randomly type out characters on a keyboard to spell 'Satan', you can do that, but it's incredible to say that there's anti-Semitism in Microsoft or one of its vendors," said Charles Hemingway. But Young, who discussed the matter with other computer consultants, isn't so sure it's just a coincidence. The "Wingdings" font contains no letters - just 255 symbols. Young calculated the odds of three letters of the alphabet being combined with 255 symbols, and said he found that the odds of obtaining the message were less than one in a trillion. "It's mind-blowing," said Young. "Somebody's responsible for this. This is very offensive." "I found it hard to believe some of the stories about the resurgence of Nazi sympathizers - but this puts things back into perspective." Microsoft, based in Seattle, is the world's biggest software publisher, with 100 million customers around the world and sales of more than $2.3 billion in 1991. When Windows 3.0 was introduced in 1990, customers were snapping it up at the rate of 30,000 a week. -- end of article Above the story is a line of some of the various symbols in the "Wingdings" font, with the caption: "LOADED: When a specific font is used in Microsoft's Windows, these symbols, which correspond to the alphabet, appear. Type the letters NYC, you get the death sign, the Star of David and the thumbs-up." So what do you all think? Should we load up the buses and make a pilgrimage to Redmond to firebomb Bill Gates's mansion, or what? =========================================================================== MAIL ORDER SHEEP =========================================================================== From: hsr4@vax.oxford.ac.uk Subject: How Do I Luv Ewe ? Let Me Count The Ways Date: 14 May 92 09:58:54 GMT A week or so ago, a friend of mine told me that he had received in the post an invitation to purchase an inflatable sheep as a sex aid. "No bleating to alert your neighbours" he'd said it claimed. I thought "Yeah, yeah, yeah", another wind-up (my friend's wife usually gets the brunt of his gems, one of which caused a minor security alert on the local American military base - I promise I'm not making any of this up). Then today I read a reported judgement from the Advertising Standards Authority, in which it was claimed a couple had replied to an advertisement for rechargeable batteries and had subsequently been offered the inflatable sheep (called 'Luv Ewe'). The advert contained a drawing and the statement "She has been developed after years of research into how to bring the joy of sheep into your love life without the obvious problems of a real sheep. No bleating to alert neighbours. No risk of ruining your prize lawn.". Puns already tossed in my direction include instructions not to ram anything too hard into it, ewe might look a bit sheepish afterwards, if you had half a dozen of them you'd be well on the way to having a damned good flock, is that what a woolly jumper really is, very handy to have if you're on the lam, sounds like a bleating good baa-gain, I hear it's shear heaven, and it's just what your wellies were designed for. Has anyone else come across such exotica, or is the UK spearheading the move towards the greater involvement of animals in our daily lives ? I'd buy one, only I just can't stand the thought of having to run round the front every so often to kiss it. =========================================================================== THE OFFICIAL OTISIAN GLOSSARY =========================================================================== [Yes, at last, here it is, right for the archives of Dr. Simpson! It's the OTISian Glossary. Maybe this will help stop some of the confusion. This is probably one of the most helpful pieces of OTISian dogma to come down the pike for quite some time. Paste it up there on the wall next to the Chart o' the Gods you no doubt all have. This Glossary is no were near complete. If you have any more words to add please send them along. (Yes it's a submission idea silly!)] AIRAMEKO - The Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Anti-Masonic Elder Knights of Otis. Allie, Saint - Patron of Roads, Streets, Lanes, and Boulevards. Arani - Divine Concubine of Otis. Atlantis - Original home of Otisianism. (see "Eporopo") Bar Trek - Ancient Otisian drinking game. Batrakhomuomakhia - the Histories of Early Atlantis. Blix - God of Pain. Blue, Saint - Patron of Alleys. B_b - the Name That Should Not Be Uttered. B-Otis-2 - The Evil Anti-Otis. Brow - God of mindless violence. Call 1-800-URA-BROW to speak with him in person. (See also "Isenbrau") Bulltha - an ascended master channeled by several devout Otisians. By the Balls of Brow - A magazine of unadulterated truth, available from Pagan Publishing, 1409 Wilson Ave, Columbia, MO 65201. Cats - Small carnivores that live with us. Caturkaya - The Four Bodies of Otis Doctrine. Otis is composed of four mutually interpenetrating "bodies" consisting of the Dharmakaya, the Nirmanakaya, the Sambhogakaya, and the Mohakaya. (see all of the above) Chad the Fuzzy, St. - Archbishop of Kenyon, Patron of Billiards. Chad the Manly, St. - Bishop of Philadelphia, Patron of Grammar. Chucks - Extra-dimensional Angelic Beings that take on the form of sports shoes in the mundane world to assist certain Otisians in quests of cosmic importance. Creiza - Goddess off Eddittinngg. cosmic importance. at least Croom - Lesser breaches of proper doctrine. However, at least one Otisian Matriarch has declared "It is better to commit the daring crimes of froom than to participate in the pale and unoriginal misdemenors of croom." From the Atlantean "Keroodi-feroomi." (see also "froom") Dharmakaya - the "essence body" of Otis, the universal principle of Otisness. Dolphins - All secretly want to have sex with humans. Eight, The - Also known as "The Eight Who Serve the Four" (see also "Four, The") Traditionaly counted as Arani, Heethor, Nepha, Creiza, Mahri-Llyn, Brow, Reaf, and Papsucker. Some sects recognize different rosters, however. Elbo - Goddess of Angles and Grease. Elvis - Is alive and working for Otis. Encolpius Ebriosus, Publius - Last Pontifex of Otis in Rome. Eporopo the Apostate - Caused Atlantis to sink. Fawna - The Otisian Bimbo. Four - Holy number of Otis. Four, The - Otis, Lotus, Rhotos, and Spode. Four Animals of Otis - Haddock, owl, gerbil, and yak. Four Bodies of Otis - (see "Caturkaya") Froom - Forbidden practices and extremely unorthodox doctrines. Please note that all froom is optional. From the Atlantean "Feroomi." Frued - God of Sexual Abstinance and Anal Retention. Genki - The state of Pure Bliss and Utter Lack of Froom. God X - God of Comparative Shopping. Grbl - God of Suffering. Great Purple Brotherhood - The great army of true and loyal Otisians, in or out of physical bodies. More primitive creeds have attempted to immitate this title but lacking the scientific sophistication of Otisianism they have mistaken the mostly ultra-violet color referred to in the title for white and thus began the long and sad association of white with "good" and black with "bad." High Altitude Tibetan Bovine - (see "Yak") Himie Azif - Chief Architect of the Temple of Otis at Ashrak. Heethor - The Paisley Goddess, "She Who Never Straightly Doth Anything Do." She is especially known for manifesting in numerous incarnations, most famously Hythormadaralom (Lady of the Pope's Robes) and Heethor Claus (who brings gifts to good Otisians on the Winter Solstice). Henry - God of Gerbils. Host of Gambier - First humans to flee Khen-Yan and land on Earth. Humpy - The Stumpy Bear. Ijereja - The first priestess of Otis. IKO - The Illuminated Knights of Otis. Imrana - The Great Cosmic River that runs between the worlds. Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes - The Papal See. Isenbrau, St. - 8th Century BCE incarnation of Brow as Patron of Fermented Drinks. (see also "Brow") Jeffe, Pope - Current Pontiff of the Worldwide Temple of Otis. Johnson, Euphemia, St. - Patron of Spontaneous Combustion. Jordan, Adolf - Re-established Otisianism in the late 19th century. Jubela, Jubelo, Jubelum, and Jubelee - Plotters against Himie Azif. Libation - An excuse to get drunk. Lotus - God of Peace. Also known as Zizyphus. MANA-YOOD-SUSHAI - Creator of the Universe, a "deus otiosus." Mahri-Llyn - Goddess of Sex and Bodily Excretions. Mohakaya - the "confusion body" of Otis, the ineffable "otherness" of Otis. Money - Please send to 955 Massachusetts Ave, Suite 209, Cambridge MA, 02139-9183. Naxos - Center of Classical Greek Otisianism. Nepha - Goddess of Chocolate Easter Eggs. Nirmanakaya - the "transformation body" of Otis, the physical manifestations of Otis on Earth to give his/her devotees deeper, more fulfilling lives. Odysseus - An euhemerized Greek form of Otis, "Otis-Zeus" (the zeta lost its dental aspect by dependent sound change) In Homer's epic he admits his true name is Outis (see "Otos") Ota - Swahili form of Otis, popular with the Mombasa underworld. Otas - Lenape (Delaware) Indian form of Otis. Otiosus - Latin form of Otis, demoted in the Empire to the God of Leisure. Otis - Ancient Atlantean God(dess) of Life. Call 1-800-444-OTIS to speak with Otis live. Otisian Directory - Fine dogma from the Pope. (see "Money") Otisrobes - Especially the Papal Robes but in a more general sense, any ill-fiting and ugly garment. Otos - Ancient Greek form of Otis. Also known as "Outis." Papsucker - Grand Vizier of the Gods and Watcher at the Gate. Purps - The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode. Quadrinity - Usually refers to The Four (see) but sometimes used for the Caturkaya (see also). Ragnarok - The big KA-BLOOIE, the end. Reaf - God of Mind-Altering Plants. Call 1-800-444-REAF to speak with this very powerful deity. Reiod - God of Plaid. Rhotos - God of Death. Sambhogakaya - the "bliss body" of Otis, the Otis that just wants to party. Sanat Kumara - Leader and pilot of the Host of Gambier. Scrense - To remove the harmful effects of froom. Sinister Ladies of Mystery - 12 dark planetoids orbiting the Earth that are invisible to current technology. They draw off the pure and holy energy of Otis and reflect it back as froom. Slogath - One of the many Hells of Otisianism. Soap - Goddess of Bureaucracy, not to be confused with the substance they give you little bars of at motels. SOG - Super Occult Genius, a power manifested by devout Otisians. Spd - Egyptian name of Spode, identified with the star Sirius. (probably pronounced "Sped") Spode - God of Confusion. Also, an ancient Otisian drinking game. Spodos Kulikon - A Classical Greek form of Spode, chiefly worshiped in that culture as the God of Drunkards. Tim of the House of Blue Light, Preacher - Right hand man to Pope Jeffe. Toilet Mysteries - The hidden inner teachings of the Illuminated Knights of Otis. Tyff, Saint - "She of the Bloody Pinking Shears," patron of vengeance and castration. Ura - An Atlantean term roughly corresponding to "O, great, wonderful, really neat-o, extra-special Lord(Lady) God ____" (ex. "Ura Otis," et c.) Vooti - God of Disease. Wayne - God of New Jersey. X-Suh - A benevolent spaceman trapped in an Earth orbit. He transmits advice on ether waves of the space-time continuum. Yak - A hairy high altitude Tibetan bovine animal that should not be tossed under any circumstances. Any reports of Yak-tossing among Otisians are vicious propaganda spread by our enemies. Zakinthians - Evil enemies of all decent Otisians. Zanzoona - A universal guide and master teacher, not a soccer player. Zech - The Love Bunny. Zizyphus - See "Lotus." =========================================================================== TOUCHY BEAR =========================================================================== From: kfree@arghouse.UUCP (Kenneth Freeman) Subject: Re: Smokey the Touchy Touchy Bear Date: 17 May 92 09:20:05 GMT fehr@ms.uky.edu (Jeff Davis) writes: Sorry to bring in a non-legend, but this is one which deserves to be legendary. You may draw a picture of Uncle Sam with horns, or one of a Nazi hiding Mandrake-like behind the flag, or even one of George Bush cackling with glee as he throttles a lemur, and you will be within your legal rights. However, alter the image of Smokey the Bear and you take your freedom in your hands. Printing a non-standard Smokey the Bear picture is a criminal offense with a punishment which could include six months in the pokey. There was an article in this morning's Lexington Herald-Leader about a case now pending in which someone used a non-standard Smokey caricature in a flyer, and criminal prosecution is one of the Forest Service's options. As Clyde Barrow said in _Bonnie and Clyde_, "Ain't life grand?" Stay tuned. Or better yet, get Rodney King's reaction. And duck*. *Verb form. Imperative. A noun in that sentence may get me in trouble with the Disneys. -- Jeff Davis =========================================================================== QUACKING MAN =========================================================================== Subject: EDUC: UNC "Breakthrough" Makes the Front Page! Date: 21 May 92 06:08:14 GMT Man Strips, Quacks After Committee Denies His Orals The Associated Press CHAPEL HILL -- An upset graduate student was arrested after he stripped off his clothes and quacked like a duck when his orals application was denied. "It was a first for us," Department spokesperson Fred Brooks said. The unidentified almost 30-year-old man was seated naked in a professor's office in the graphics department when police arrived Thursday. Officials said he replied with duck quacks when questioned by police. After his arrest, police said he caused $1,000 damage to a police vehicle by butting his head into a window frame and kicking a door. Magistrate Gabe Quintanilla ordered the man held for psychiatric evaluation. Committee officials would not disclose why the man's orals were rejected. =========================================================================== THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE =========================================================================== --1991 Subink.