***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 38 ####========================================================#### "One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### Gadzooks, another late issue of Purps. Well, this time I have some honest to OTIS excuses. See, last weekend we had to make this project work for this silly study and it had to be bullet proof. After all, it was going to be done by rug rats and we know how they don't seem to be able to follow directions very well. Then, the weekend before that we had a major disk crash and it took 20 hours to fix. Then the weekend before that I spend helping the phone company folks rewire my phone system. Sheesh! Well here it is. Let's hope I have time to finish editing this before some other unearthly crisis sticks! Hmm, sad to say you might be slightly disappointed at this issue. There's no "Messenger of the Gods" serial nor any other serials for that matter. I'm sure there must be one among you would like to start a grass roots movement to put a bee in a few bonnets so they'd finish up their serials. The second disappointment, is the infamous Dr. Simpson sent me another large set of contributions. However, they have footnotes in them so I need to figure out how to translate them out to some plain readable form. Have no fear faithful readers! I will get around to it. On a happy note, we do have more from the Pope himself. Yippie! Other than that, I hope issues of Purps will start coming out more regularly now that the semester is over for me. I should have more time to devote to this most amusing and wonderful holy publication. Hmm, the OTISian Directory is out as well. You should pick yourself up a copy it's pretty neat if I do say so myself. See the Pope's message for further details. Summer is also approaching. If you are leaving the net or moving around, or something of that nature, please let me know. I have enough trouble as is with our silly mailer (which I hope well will stop using in the near future) that I don't need to wade through tons of bounced mail messages. Lately we've also had quite a few new subscribers. Welcome aboard! Hopefully you'll all be great OTISians very soon. Some even are striving to join the mysterious Knights of Otis of song and story. ####===================================================================#### SECRETS ABOUT THE ENTERPRISE ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 15:40:24 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu From cshort@NMSU.Edu Fri Mar 13 15:35:47 1992 Subject: this is not your father's spleen Status: R Scragged from the star trash feeds: the TOP TEN secrets about the Enterprise and its crew ----------------------------------------------------- 10) All routine maintenance on the ship is done by Oompa-Loompas 9) Dr. Pulaski was sealed alive in a seldom used Jefferies tube by Data after she insulted him one too many times 8) Riker's parents were Nazis, his middle initial "T" stands for "Third" 7) Troi starts all counseling sessions with male crewmembers by asking "So, is that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" 6) Before joining Starfleet, Jean-Luc Picard was a Chippendale's dancer 5) "Worf" is Klingonese for "pinhead" 4) Riker amuses himself by signing all reports with the abbreviation "F. Off." 3) Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece 2) Picard is Wesley's father 1) Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father Attention top ten fans: the next list will be posted this Friday, since I will be on vacation next Monday. ####===================================================================#### ALIEN INVASION ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1992 15:25 EST From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu Subject: ET Here's a great one I just read in a GIS journal. There's a Swedish sect (that's what the journal used) who are lobbying for the creation of an extraterrestrial embassy. They say that they have seen extraterrestrials and could best represent them to the International Community. Do I detect the onslaught of a group of X-ists impending?????? [Perhaps this somehow ties in with the Pope mentioning the flap of UFO's in southern Florida. Do keep in mind though that Xists aren't the only ones after our poor wretched planet. Perhaps our planet is like a puck in a giant hockey game, but instead of two teams there are thousands. Kinda makes us earthlings feel special don't it knowing we're being fought over by lots of slimey bug eyed monsters from beyond the edge of the solar system.] Cyber Garp Clone #77 ####===================================================================#### COMPREHENSIVE EXAMINATION ####===================================================================#### [Of course this exam is no where near as comprehensive as the one given out to the Knights of Otis, or even the ones given to some of the inner circle initiates of OTISianism.] Date: Mon, 23 Mar 1992 04:02 -0500 From: Count Zero Subject: Exam Ever have an exam like this? COMPREHENSIVE EXAMINATION The following comprehensive examination has been prepared for the entire University. Take only that part that pertains to the department in which you are currently enrolled. If any doubt about this exists, please consult the proctor. Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer completely, and legibly. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately. ASTRONOMY: Describe the universe. Give three examples. BIOLOGY: Several culture dishes have been left in the room. Create life. Document your findings. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis. ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy, and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the previous part of the question. ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision. EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand. HISTORY Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific. Be sure to include in your analysis a thorough description of all relevant personalities in the Christian, Muslim, and Jewish intellectual traditions, as well as a brief but comprehensive description of their ideas. It is also suggested that you include in your answer an analysis of the military tactics of the Holy Roman Empire and the Papal forces in all wars fought against the Turkish and Mongol armies. MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. When you finish reading these instructions, a test tube will be dropped into the room from outside. This test tube contains a highly lethal strain of bubonic plague bacilli which are believed to kill their host within 2 hours. You are required to discover a cure for this disease using the A. C. Gilbert chemistry set at your desk before your two hours are up. MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. A Hohner Marine Band harmonica and several sheets of music manuscript paper have been left on your desk. Compose and orchestrate an opera for six leading singers (two sopranos, one tenor, one baritone, two bassos) and a 100-piece orchestra which includes not only the standard orchestral instruments but also a Chinese p'ipa and wax-paper kazoo. PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. An activated thermonuclear device is concealed somewhere in the examination area. It has a force of approximating 5 megatons, and is set to detonate between 10 minutes and an hour from now. Locate and defuse this weapon. Be sure to keep accurate notes of your experiments. PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. Describe the history of the concept of God in all relevant Western and Eastern traditions. POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. PSYCHOLOGY: On the table before you are the following: - A disassembled Winchester .457 hunting rifle. - Some black powder, a lead slug, and an empty shell casing. - A screwdriver. In 3 minutes, the door will open and a hunger-crazed Siberian tiger will be admitted to the room. Take any steps you deem appropriate, being sure to keep a record of your psychological reactions throughout the process. Points will be awarded only if thorough notes are submitted at the end of the examination. Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. ####===================================================================#### THE ROBING OF DAVID ZECCHIN ####===================================================================#### [Once again we received a fine submission of literary merrit from the infamous Wombat. Keep up the good work! In this installment she let's us see some of the sacred inner workings of OTISian ceremony] Date: 23 Mar 92 10:46:00 EST From: "Wombat" Subject: submit! Submit! The Robing of David Zecchin (Saint of Something or other) (As observed by an innocent bystander) Scene: Caples Closet--er, Suite 4D. The plimp-plick-beep sounds of Nintendo fill the room. Cressler and Zecchin, drool falling from their jaws, have taken a short recess from their Ladder Climbing Mario lifestyle to allow James to destroy the world. time: 4:49 PM EDT, March 17, 1992 Wombat (Innocent Bystander and Fearless Narrator): [pokes head in the doorway and looks pointedly at her wristwatch] FOOOOOOOD! St. James (Failed Pimp to the Archbishop Chad): [decimates the last of the little piggies and puts the control board down] Sure, Vic. So, Zeck, are you coming to dinner?? St. David (Saint of Some Strange Title) [looks hopefully at the control board James just put down]: Naw. I have a meeting soon. I think I'll just play another couple of rounds before I go. The Cressler (recently engaged Art Major): Aw, C'mon, Dave. You need fresh air! A change of scene! The delicious mostly non-toxic food substitute that ARA serves us will do wonders for your score. Wombat [in the tradition of her Shakespeare class, makes an aside, noticed only by the audience and lending deeper significance to the plot]: But Cressler _hates_ ARA. What's going on?? Perhaps I need another cup of coffee. Scene: On the way to the charming North End Dining Establishment of Gund. Time: 4:55 PM EDT (still March 17, 1992) Chad (Arch-Bishop) [flings self off the McBride patio and onto the path beside the characters already mentioned]: Hey. James: Oh, Chad, I love your sexy, deep, gravely voice. You should get sick like this more often. Chad [makes threatening gesture toward his roommate]: So where's Dave? James: Um, um....[begins to cringe] Wombat: I think he said he had a meeting. Maybe he'll join us later. Chad: Good. It's time to invest the boy. Wombat: Invest? Chad: Scott sent his robes. Boy do I feel like I got off the hook easy.... Scene: The traditional 4C table (under the window by the tea bag tree) time: 5:08 PM EDT (still March 17, 1992) Lindsey: I'm going back inside for more popcorn. Anyone want anything? Wombat [eyes empty cups on her tray]: Coffee?? Shane: Food? Eric: I keep telling you, Shane, ARA only makes mostly non-toxic food substitute. By the way, did you know that if you threw this bowl of Miner's Stew off the top of Caples the electrons would become displaced and [Bill places a large wad of bread between Eric's teeth, temporarily rerouting the conversation onto less intellectual subjects.] Zecchin [sits down with heavily loaded tray]: Hi guys. Look, I'm the fourteenth person to sit at the table! Theresa: Who wouldst betray thee, oh Zeck? Jenn: Betray? Becke: Sorry, I'm not in the mood right now. James: Surely not I, Lord. Shane: Depends--how much will you pay me? Gary: Oh, we're all just so funny today. Chad [eyes having lit up at the sight of Zeck]: Oh. Um. St. AnnaLisa of Tetris, would you mind getting me the robe....I mean, would you mind getting me one of ARA delectable dinner rolls? { Conversation continues along the betrayal theme. Zeck suggests that someone write this up and send it to Mal for a future Purps issue. Knowing what is about to befall the soon-to-be-frocked Saint, threats of force and coffee depravation are used to coerce the Wombat to agree. } [St. AnnaLisa of Tetris returns to the table, bearing the polyesther-with-fake blue-fur-trimmed robes, designed and constructed by Grandpa Groundhog himself, Scott Simpson. The trim is on the wrists, armholes, and neck of the robe, as well as skillfully drawing the eye to the "easy-access hole" which is about two inches below Zeck's navel and also trimmed in blue fur. The assembly begins to beat upon the table. Several hundred people attempting to enjoy their evening repast turn to stare at Dave and Chad.] Zeck: Dwuh! These are my robes, aren't they! Cressler [who as a former English major, also understands how to make asides to the audience]: He hasn't noticed the hole yet, has he.... Zeck: Boy am I ever excited about this. Heck, this robe sure is tight.... [notices the easy-access hole for the first time] oh no, I am NOT putting this on all the way. NOT! N-O-T NOT!! Chad: Be glad we didn't make you strip first!! [yanks robe around Zeck's hips] You look lovely--literally lovely. [mass giggles follow from the table. Without caffeine for twenty-seven minutes, the wombat begins to despair of ever coherently recreating the events.] P.S. St. Zeck of whatever wore his robes for the rest of the meal, but had to remove them to play pool afterward. Alas, no photographs exist of the robing of St. Zeck, but the 13 witnesses can't all be making it up....Just check his closet when next you are in the vicinity of Caples. ####===================================================================#### WHITE TOAST ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 26 Mar 1992 07:30:00 EST From: Penny Ward Subject: Breakfast Specialty DANIEL PINKWATER'S BREAKFAST SPECIALTY (WHITE TOAST) The morning after your Thanksgiving feast, you may not feel much like cooking or eating. Writes Daniel: "I'm not much of a hand at cooking, but I really enjoy good food. This is a dish I can make all by myself. It requires a certain flair, but with a little practice, almost anyone can do it." Ingredients: Sliced white bread (any brand will do). Directions: 1) Remove plastic tab or twist tie from bread wrapper. Set aside. 2) Remove 2 slices of white bread from package. (If you have one of those four-slice toasters, remove 4.) 3) Set controls on toaster or toaster oven to preference. (For beginners, medium is a good place to start. You can move on to light or dark when you're proficient.) 4) Activate appliance. (Follow manufacturer's instructions.) 5) While toast is still hot, apply butter or margarine to taste. Serving suggestion: This goes great with eggs (any style), bacon, home fried potatoes, orange juice, and coffee. Usually my wife, Jill, makes these side dishes, leaving me free to do a perfect job on the toast. Bonus: Whole wheat toast is made using exactly the same steps! Submitted by Daniel Pinkwater, NPR commentator. ####===================================================================#### DANGER OF MODEMS! ####===================================================================#### From: jerry@jaizer (Jerry Gaiser N7PWF) Subject: Blue tatoos for computers Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1992 19:03:33 GMT From: pozar@kumr.lns.com (Tim Pozar) Subject: Your police at work for you! Date: 19 Mar 92 22:46:35 GMT You're not gonna believe this one.... .....but maybe you will... NEWS RELEASE Immediate 3/18/92 PEDOPHILIA, COMPUTERS AND CHILDREN If you have children in your home and a home computer complete with a telephone modum, you [sic] child is in potential danger of coming in contact with deviate and dangerous criminals. Using the computer modum [sic], these unsavory individuals can communicate directly with your child without your knowledge. Just as importantly, you should be concerned if your child has a friendship with other youth who have access to this equipment in an unsupervised environment. Using a computer and a modum your child can readily access community "bulletin boards" and receive sexually explicit and graphic material from total strangers who can converse with your children, individuals you quite probably wouldn't even talk with. The concern becomes more poignant when stated otherwise; would you let a child molester, murderer, convicted criminal into your home to meet alone with your child? According to Fresno Police Detective Frank Clark "your child can be in real danger from pedophiles, rapists, satanic cultists and other criminals knows to be actively engaged in computer conversation. Unwittingly, naive children with a natural curiosity can be victimized; emerging healthy sexual feelings of a child can be subverted into a twisted unnatural fetish affecting youth during a vulnerable time in their lives." It is anticipated that parents, when armed with knowledge this activity exists and awareness that encounters with such deviate individuals results in emotional and psychological damage to their child, will take appropriate measures to eliminate the possibility of strangers interacting with their children via a computer. A news conference is scheduled for 10 a.m., Thursday, March 19, 1992 at Fresno Police Department, Headquarters. The conference, presided over by Detective Frank Clark, will be held in the Library located on the second floor. For Further Information: P.I.O. Ron Hults (209) 498-4568 ####===================================================================#### PEEPING TOM ####===================================================================#### From: dwight@locus.com (Dwight Tovey) Subject: Modern day Peeping Tom Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1992 21:41:55 GMT I found an interesting story in the local paper the other day. This thing sounds good enough to be UL all by itself. THOUSAND OAKS -- Local law enforcement officials said Tuesday they remain troubled by a case in which a man who admits he secretly videotaped up women's skirts at a local mall may not be criminally prosecuted because no laws appear to address such conduct. Richard Atchley, 36, of Santa Paula, had a video camera hidden in a shopping bag with a mirror attached to the lens. He stood behind women at The Oaks regional shopping center last Wednesday and placed the bagged camera in a position to videotape under the unsuspecting womens' skirts, officials said. Atchley said in an interview Tuesday that he can't explain his conduct and didn't think at the time that it was illegal. "I was being stupid, I guess," said Atchley, a construction worker. ... [ details of the arrest deleted: He was arrested under a statute called outraging the public decency ] But when detectives mentioned the case to prosecutors at the Ventura County district attorney's office for a review of criminal charges, detectives were told that they statute under which Atchley was arrested - Section 650.5 of the California Penal Code - had been found unconstitutional earlier this year as too broad and was wiped off the books. It was enacted in 1987. Deputies questioned Atchley and freed him, but kept the videotape and a file on him in case he is arrested in the future, LeMay said. Among the legal theories Barrett said he is exploring are lewd acts in public, loitering, crimes against peeping into people's homes, indecent exposure and nuisance laws. But, Barrett noted, "There's no window here." Lewd act laws usually apply to cases involving touching, and indecent exposure laws have only been used when the suspect exposes himself, not others. Laws in those areas were not designed for Atchley's conduct, he said. That no criminal prosecution could result "left the officers frustrated," LeMay said. "We felt this activity and activity like this is criminal and offensive, but it just isn't addressed by the Legislature," he said. Sheriff's deputies fear that such conduct possibly could lead to more dangerous crimes, he added. Atchley told deputies that he used the tape of the women's underwear and groin area for personal use. He told deputies he came to The Oaks because it is one of the biggest shopping centers in the area and the women there are more likely to wear dresses or skirts, LeMay said. In the interview, Atchley said he had no plans to use the tape against the women. He doesn't know what will happen. "It's just one of those things I hope goes away," he said." I like this. It's not illegal to expose others???? Interesting implications here. Comments anyone? /dwight ####===================================================================#### NEWS FROM THE WHACKY WORLD OF SPODE ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 21 Mar 1992 21:08 HKT From: "Ed Spodick, HKUST Library, x6743" Subject: howdy - here's a bit or two... South China Morning Post - 31 December 1991 _Cure kills child_ CAIRO: A court sentenced a butcher to a year in prison for killing a three-year-old girl while trying to restore her lost voice with a cleaver. Some rural Egyptians believe passing the blunt edge of a cleaver across a sick person's throat can effect a cure, but Faud Bindary accidentally got the wrong edge. +++++++ The NYT also included one of the most ludicrous things I have ever read. In an article entitled "A Hibernian with Relief and Dismay" by Alessandra Stanley, about Brian F. Sullivan, a homophobe, If one of his children ever said he or she was gay, Mr. Sullivan said, he is afraid he would react "irrationally - I'd kill the bastard."... For all his reservations, Mr. Sullivan did not speak with hostility about gay people. Hmmmmmmmmm. Huh? ####===================================================================#### EIGHT BALL ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1992 14:57:24 EST Sender: Horror From: "Mildred L. Perkins" Subject: more I just thought I'd refresh your memory concerning my brother - he's the one who told me the (true...he promises) story concerning the man who blew his brains out and became a play-toy of the surgeons. He has a related story for y'all if you can take it: Picture it - Landstuhl Germany, army hospital, about 3 in the a.m. He'd been working about twenty hours straight through, and he hears a knock at the door. An eighteen year old in an Air Force uniform came quietly into the room and handed him an x-ray form. Now, he was really tired, and he was having a little trouble tracking, so when he got to the bottom of the form and read, "suspected FB in rectum," it made no sense. He kept trying to figure out what the hell kind of disease "FB" was. It hit him. His eyes popped open - he was wide awake now (and if I know him, sporting a heavy-duty smirk). The FB was a "foreign body". Curiosity piqued (no duh), he hustled the subdued young man into the nearest x-ray room and told him to get on the table and pull his pants down. Of course the airman didn't have any underwear on. Mike through him a towel and began the pelvic x-ray. [typo alert: sorry, that should read "threw" him a towel. No duh, huh?] First picture done, he developed it and was dumbstruck to see a perfect white circle in the middle of the pelvic region. He took another shot at a different angle...the circle was still there. It struck him suddenly that it was about the right size to be an eight ball. He gave him his film and told him to go back to the emergency room, where later that morning Mike had to go in to pick up the previous night's work and give it to the radiologist for a formal reading. Naturally, he was leafing through the stack, searching for the airman's picture. It wasn't there, but across the room with a note attached instructing Mike to leave the x-ray because the airman was going straight to surgery. He took it anyway, of course, and took it to one of the doctors to show it off. The doctor wasn't impressed - Mike had a reputation for practical jokes, and no one believed it was a real x-ray. The doctor started writing on the exam slip, "Looks like this guy's got an eight ball stuck up his butt," and went on from there. Mike hastened to explain that, no, this one was for real, not a joke, and had almost convinced the guy when another x-ray tech walked in. She saw the picture, shrieked laughter, ran over and put a big, black 8 in magic marker on the x-ray before they could stop her. This was the only copy, right? Not for long. Another tech ran off about twenty copies later that day, without marking out the young man's vitals: name, soc. security number, ADDRESS... Everyone had copies by the end of the morning. More true life horror - at least for the airman. I'm sure it must have racked him up pretty badly. ####===================================================================#### VOCABULARY LESSON ####===================================================================#### From: kibo@world.std.com (James 'Kibo' Parry) Subject: TODAY'S VOCABULARY LESSON Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1992 05:10:20 GMT from THE SUPER DICTIONARY, (C) 1978 Holt Rhinehart Winston GO Superman saw the stuff GO through the tunnel. He saw the stuff move through the tunnel. (Superman) "It WENT after the mice. But, only after it had GONE after me. Wow! I'd better GO now. I'd better leave. I need to think this over." HANG Can Batman HANG from the rope? Can he swing from it? He HUNG there just long enough. (Joker, dangling from Batman) "I'll HANG you for this, Batman! I'll kill you by letting you swing from a rope tied around your neck. I never HANGED anyone, but I'll start with you." (Batman) "You should start by dropping the idea. And speaking of dropping..." LASSIE Wonder Girl is a LASSIE. She is a girl. She races with other LASSIES. LAUGH Did you hear Superman's LAUGH? Did you hear his happy sound? His LAUGHS are very loud. Why did he LAUGH? Why did he make that sound that shows his happiness? Superman LAUGHED because Krypto told him a joke. (n.b. Krypto is Superdog.) LICK Supergirl let Krypto LICK her face. She let Krypto touch her face with his tongue. Krypto LICKED Supergirl's face because he was very glad to see her! PIE (Joker) "See this PIE, Batman? See this baked food that is a shell filled with fruit? I'm going to throw it at you! And, there are more PIES to come." STRANGE Flash went to a STRANGE place. He went to a place that he didn't know. He met a STRANGE man there. He met a queer-looking man. The man was STRANGER than anyone Flash knew. The man had the STRANGEST hands in the world. RACE Superman and Supergirl belong to the same RACE of people. They belong to a group of people that look alike in some ways. Some RACES have light skin, and some have dark skin. (Superman) "Come on Supergirl. I want to have a RACE. I want to have a contest to see who is faster. I'll RACE you around the world. I'll try to go faster than you." (Supergirl) "The last time we RACED, we both won!" CAPE Superman wears a CAPE. He wears a piece of clothing with no arms in it. Supergirl and Conjura wear CAPES, too. Dammit, the thing doesn't have any swear words! ####===================================================================#### TRUE FACTS ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 1 Apr 92 16:11:59 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu From sabbott@NMSU.Edu Wed Apr 1 14:01:54 1992 Subject: Found on the net Status: RO From: carasso@inference.com (==ROGER=CARASSO==) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Date: 1 Apr 92 02:12:08 GMT FW: National Lampoon True Facts Calendar Actors and theater-goers alike were showered with one hundred pounds of pigeon droppings, pigeon bones, and dust that had accumulated in a roof air vent in a theater in Dixon, Ill., after a nearby construction apparently jarred the 65-year accumulation loose. "It was like a dump truck let loose with the stuff," said Danette Dallgas-Frye, a theater concessionaire. The old pigeon droppings became unstuck during a performance of the play "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." --- Quad-City Times ####===================================================================#### TAX TIME ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 3 Apr 92 02:51:38 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu From sbradley@NMSU.Edu Thu Apr 2 21:51:00 1992 Subject: Tax time, Kiddos! (sorry about the margins) Status: R -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- f 11 000 4 000 Department of the Treasury - 11 999 999 11 o 111 0 0 44 0 0 Internal Revenue Service 111 9 9 9 9 111 r 1 0 0 44444 0 0 U U SSS 1 9999 9999 1 m 1 0 0 4 0 0 U U SSS Individual Income 1 9 9 1 11111 000 4 000 UUU SSS Tax Return 11111 999 999 11111 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For the year January 1 - December 31, 1992 or whenever you get around to it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL | Starch | []cuffs print,| | | | []yes []no | []nocuffs type |------------------------------------------------------------------------- or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal hyro- | guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above)) glyph-| ics |------------------------------------------------------------------------- (no | City, Town, Post Office, Shoe Size | Address greater than line 41? []yes Latin)| | If yes, why? ________________ []no -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Height | Weight | Sex []yes | Occu- Yours _________ | Social Security Number | | []no | pation Spouse _________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse _|_|_ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Do you wish to designate []yes | Isn't | NOTE: if you Presidential >> $1 of your taxes to this []no | this a | checked yes Election >>> worthy cause? []maybe | dumb law? | we will come Campaign >> What about the little lady? []metoo | []yes | and steal all > The kids, dog, cat, fish? []woof | []no | your hubcaps. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Requested > A. How many talking chickens do you own? | D yes? []no by >> B. Names _______________________________ | E no? []yes the >>> C. Do any of them play the oboe? []yes []no | F maybe? []perhaps Department >>>>---------------------------------------------------------------- of >>> Do you live within 2 miles | Have you rotated | If no file IRS Agriculture >> of a decent pizza place? | your tires lately? | tire rotation > []yes []no []extra cheese | []yes []no []flat | Schedule L -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Filing 1 [] Single 2 [] Double 3 [] Triple 4 [] Sacrifice Fly | for IRS use Status 5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return | O | | X (even if spouse is married separately) | ---|---|--- 6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse | | X | (but filing double jointed) | ---|---|--- 7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return | X | O | O (if unmarried but jointly single) |------------- 8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately 9 [] Widow(er) with separate dependent filing out of joint return singly 10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return (attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Exem- 41 a regular? | Enter number of ptions b [] yourself [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | boxes checked > ___ [] spouse [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | c Names of Dependent children who lived with | Check number of You you __________________ Why? _______________ | boxes entered > ___ are d Just first names dummy. | here 4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form? | Enter number of | e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross | checkered boxes ___ | Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater | \|/ than twelve miles) | Do nothing v f How many inches in a liter? _____ | Here > ___ * 11 a Total Confusion (add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) --------> --- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Income 12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to |##| | | your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . . |12|_____|_| 13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then |##| | | Please file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . . |13|_____|_| attach 14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . . |14|_____|_| payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list |##| | | (small schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but |##| | | unmarked more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |15|_____|_| bills) 16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under |##| | | here. the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . . |16|_____|_| | --------------------------------------------------------------------- |___ 17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2, |##| | | this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |17|_____|_| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Taxes 18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . . |18|_____|_| 19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . . |19|_____|_| 20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . . |20|_____|_| 21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . . |##| | | [] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X, Y, or Z [] Guessed. |21|_____|_| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |23|_____|_| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amount 25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake, |##| | | You re-figure your taxes. |##| | | Owe 26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |26|_____|_| 27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |27|_____|_| 28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |28|_____|_| 29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . |29|_____|_| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please > Under penalty of death, I declare that every figure on this return and Sign >> accompanying schedules is correct to within 100% plus or minus some. Here > Signature ___________________________ date ___________ check here [] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ####===================================================================#### ART ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 3 Apr 92 12:52:54 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu From sabbott@NMSU.Edu Fri Apr 3 11:02:53 1992 Subject: moreshitfromthenet From: vail@tegra.COM (Johnathan Vail) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Date: 2 Apr 92 17:41:55 GMT Organization: Tegra, Inc., Billerica, MA On Peter Ross's ABC-TV arts show on Sunday Afternoon, the avant garde composer John Cage was featured performing his 4'33". It consists of the performer(s), armed with a stopwatch, sitting silently on stage for four minutes 33 seconds, with the music consisting of whatever noises come from the audience or outside the auditorium. The TV performance went well, but the ABC was caught out by technology - a fail-safe device turns off studio transmission if there's more than 90 seconds of silence, and puts up a test pattern. It went into operation three times during the performance. jv <- "I only clap with one hand at JC concerts" ####===================================================================#### AND MORE FROM THE WHACKY WORLD OF SPODE ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1992 20:53 HKT From: "Ed Spodick, HKUST Library, x6743" Subject: A couple bits from HK... _Lai See_ - South China Morning POst - 31 March 1992 _Bunny Girls_ Godric Peters, Hongkong-based boss of trading firm Glenthorne, recalls sitting in a cafe in Mexico City and watching scores of vans rushing around emblazoned with the word "BIMBO". Apparently Bimbo is the best known bakery in Mexico City, their version of Hongkong's Garden Bakery. He asked a Mexican-speaking friend to translate the slogan on the van. "If you want a good roll, get a BIMBO," it said. #################### _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 November 1991 _Speed Trap_ Ms. Ellen Canapit of Magus International in Manila sent a promotional letter about the reference books she sells to Martin Kelleway of Guardforce Ltd. The firm's slogan for its speed-reading materials is: "Double your entellegence and be a supper achevier." #################### South China Morning Post - 18 January 1992 _Starvation Toll_ JAKARTA: At least 199 people starved to death in Indonesia's remote eastern province of Irian Jaya because they were too busy collecting coconuts to plant crops, the daily _Suara Pembaruan_ said. #################### _Lai See_ - South China Morning POst - 31 March 1992 _Gone Missing_ This we found hard to believe. The National Geographic Society, the world's most famous explorers, are holding a grand dinner at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel tomorrow. Guests of honour include some of the most senior editors from that august publication, arguably the world's foremost authority on geographic matters. And guess what address they printed on the invitations? Mandarin Oriental Hotel 5 Connaught Road Hongkong, China Doesn't anybody know where we are? #################### _Lai See_ - South China Morning POst - 2 April 1992 _Shock Horror_ Catherine Smith of Mid-Levels came across the following article in a Ho Chi Minh City journal. She cannot confirm its authenticity, although Vietnam does suffer excessively from power cuts. "March 1992: To lessen the agony of death convicts, the government plans to replace firing squads by electric chair. This plan has prompted a hunger strike in the death cell. A representative of these death-bound inmates was asked to provide an explanation. "He said: 'We prefer the execution by firing. This is still an infallible and immediate death. Normally, we would not mind an electric, but under current power supply conditions, this death is full of risks and long delayed. If the electric current is not strong enough, we may not die but suffer. Or if the power is suddenly cut after we have been seated in the chair, we will have to wait until the next time.'" #################### South China Morning POst - 31 January 1992 _Rude Awakening_ BUCHAREST: An 18-year-old Romanian girl, whom doctors declared clinically dead after an overdose of sleeping pills, regained consciousness as she was being raped on a slab by a mortuary attendant, who fainted when she opened her eyes. The girl's parents said they would not press charges because their "daughter owed her life to him". ####===================================================================#### HERBERT THE SAW ####===================================================================#### [Yes the renound Shark is alive and well. She's just moving around a lot.] From: shark@CS.UCLA.EDU (Jeanne B. Schreiter) Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 20:29:32 PDT From tj@CS.UCLA.EDU Thu Apr 9 16:29:40 1992 From: steph@CS.UCLA.EDU (Stephen Sakamoto) From: gjs@wdl30.wdl.loral.com (Gregory Scott) Subject: Herbert the Saw Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1992 15:28:42 GMT San Jose Mercury News, April 6, 1992, page 1 reprinted without permission German railway battles extortionist Elusive 'Herbert the Saw' cuts rail, plants bombs By Ian Johnson, Baltimore Sun Berlin - A man call "Herbert the Saw," three derailed trains, a bombed-out luggage locker and a million dollars scattered in the air like confetti make up what German police say is a bizarre but real threat to Germany's 2.8 million daily rail passengers. As police only now have made public, Herbet the Saw has been trying to blackmail the German railway for 18 months. But because of a series of odd developments, he has not received his money and is still at large, holding the railway hostage and becoming the talk of the nation. The events began in 1990, when Herbert cut out a 14-inch section of rail on a German freight line. A letter followed: "Pay $1.2 million or the next cut will be large enough to derail a train. Signed, Herbert." The railway called the police. Five days later, Herbert hit the railway's pride and joy: its new bullet train. He cut out a six-foot section of rail in a tunnel and then cut a signal cable. Workers in a repair train went to investigate the signal and derailed, causing injuries and $65,000 worth of damage. Faced with a train full of 750 passengers careening into an embankment or tunnel wall at 200 miles an hour, railway officials capitulated, announcing their decision in a small advertisement in a national newspaper. Police figured they could capture Herbert when he showed up to take the money, but he confounded them in what turned into a series of slapstick train chases through northern Germany. Herbert demanded that a railway official carry a suitcase with the $1.2 million on a train. He would signal the locomotive engineer by radio when the official should toss the suitcase out the window. If no signal came, the official should get off at a prearranged station and wait for a telephone call in the station office. The next train to take would be signaled according to the number of telephone rings at the station office. Police were impressed. His system did not allow police time to trace the calls or to record his voice, a trick that has been used before to identify railway extortionists. "It was very, very clever. Almost the perfect crime," said Dankmar Lund of the Hamburg police department. At first, the system worked perfectly. The official was sent on a grueling, six-hour trip. Herbert displayed such an impressive knowledge of railway timetables and connections that the breathless envoy with the weighty suitcase was constantly hopping off one train and onto another, denying police a chance to follow in a special SWAT train. The official finally got the signal to pitch out the money. He walked to the door and opened it as the train raced through the countryside. But two passengers jumped up, thinking that the official wanted to commit suicide. They ripped him and the suitcase from the door. The official fought back, crawled to the door and finally was able to kick the case out - too late and right into the oncoming freight train, which smashed the suitcase and sent 2,000 bills worth about $600 each fluttering in the air. Police spent hours trying to recover the 1,000 mark notes, They will not say how many they found. Herbert got angry. He cut a section out of a passenger line between Hamburg and Hanover, with his express letter arriving just before a train was due to hit the missing stretch. The railway signaled its capitulation again and the official set off, but this time said he got no signal from Herbert. Strangely, nothing happened for months. Then, in April 1991, Herbert cut a chunk out of another line, causing a repair train to derail. The railway said it still was willing to pay but received no instructions. Six months later, in October, he cut another section, and a freight train derailed. Again, following instructions, the railway sent out an official, but again he said he received no signal to throw the money out. "He must have been playing with us," Lund said. The game stopped four weeks ago when a bomb blew out a luggage locker in Hamburg. A letter arrived with a key to the destroyed locker. "I don't just saw any more," Herbert wrote. Once again the railway is ready to pay, but now police say they will not agree to the changing of trains method. Late last week Herbert answered by firing off a series of letters to the German media. "If anyone dies, you can blame it on the cops," he wrote, adding that he now wants $2.5 million. "For every week's delay, a train will blow up." The first deadline is Wednesday. ####===================================================================#### PHONE MAINTAINCE ####===================================================================#### From: johnp@hpgrgu.gr.hp.com (John Parsons) Subject: And These People Vote ... Date: 3 Apr 92 18:49:57 GMT The following appeared in the April 2, 1992 Longmont, Colorado {Daily Times-Call}. Any typos are mine. Listeners Fall for Phone Dust Fooling FORT COLLINS (AP) - An April Fool's Day joke conducted by two radio stations in Fort Collins may have gotten a little out of hand. Deejays at KTRR-FM and KGLL-FM announced over the air that US West planned to "blow out" telephone lines in Weld and Larimer counties in the afternoon to clean out any dust. Worried US West customers jammed phone lines at the company after the deejays said they should either disconnect their phones or cover them with plastic, "otherwise there would be a large mess in their offices or homes." "We've been bombarded by calls from our customers," said Edie Ortega, a spokeswoman for US West in Fort Collins. "It caused some pretty serious problems with call volumes to us." The stations broadcast retractions shortly after US West contacted Gary Buchanan, manager for the two stations. ####===================================================================#### INTERFACE ####===================================================================#### From: Jeanne B Schreiter Subject: Just read and laugh at the date Date: Sun, 12 Apr 92 10:30:47 CDT From aragorn Sun Apr 12 01:40:33 1992 Subject: Re: Virtual reality, the brain, and high-speed modems. (fwd) Interface? To your Brain? A parallel port? Well _kind_ of parallel, actually VERY parallel ... :-) ---- INTRODUCING THE GNU DO IT YOURSELF BRAIN AUGMENTATION KIT! Are you tired of your old VR helmet? Is your data glove touch feedback just not fast enough? Is the new Sco OS for these systems still 4 releases behind everyone else? Cut out the middle man! Spend no more money on high priced equipment that only takes you half way there! Go all the way and permanently embed yourself in Cyberspace with ... ----- The GNU DIYBAK 1) Included are two complete, and replicateable nano factories with 50,000 Nanos ready to go to work on you. 2) Just add sugar/water and swallow. 3) Once ingested the systems will organize and gain access to your nervous system spinal fluid. 4) Initial programming will create, almost overnight, 50 thousand meters of super conducting fiber a couple of molecules in diameter with almost 100 thousand terminal SQID detect/affect terminal pairs in all vital cerebral areas. 5) As the system becomes functional a 50 Million cpu, micro-spark system will be generated around the nano factories. All brain activity may then be mapped, modeled, recorded and shared with your friends. 6) It doesn't stop here! Share the new bio-tech with your friends! The software and bio-systems are fully redistributable using the GNU Copyleft and Patentleft licenses. Offer begins Oct. 2, 2150 ... ####===================================================================#### ALICE ####===================================================================#### [It's always fun when suddenly out of the blue I get a submission from one of the ancient old ones from the purps list.] Date: Tue, 14 Apr 92 21:16:00 EST From: Telkner Subject: purps submission From the "Alice Has A Rockin' Time" series: One day, Alice sat in her kitchen and realized that she was not having a very rockin' time. She went into the living room and turned on the stereo. The music helped, but after a while it began to make her very bored. Soon she decided to go to a place where there were people and music so she could have a really rockin' time. Alice went to a place called "The Chicken Perch". She always liked going there to watch all the roosters try to pick her up. She sat at the bar and ordered a bowl of eggdrop soup. Sure enough, it wasn't long before a cocky rooster hopped up onto the stool beside Alice. "How ya doing, chick?" crowed the rooster. Alice didn't answer right away because one of her favorite songs, "Birds Fly (Whisper To A Squawk)" was playing on the jukebox. After the song was over, she looked at the rooster and said "Oh, I'm having a rockin' time. What's your name?" "Kentucky Cooper, but my friends call me 'Kentucky Cooper'. So, how about you and me going back to my place and locking beaks?" "Are you rich?" "I've got a pretty big nest egg stored away." "No, I don't think I should. You seem like the kind of rooster that would want something permanent. I don't want to take anyone under my wing right now." "What's wrong with permanent? We would be able to settle down and get married. Maybe start a flock of our own." "Gross! Can you imagine me sitting at home all day while you were out pecking out a living. By the way, do you have a job?" "Not right now, but I'd wing it." "After a while of being cooped up like that, I'd start to henpeck you to death. No, I don't think I want to become Alice Cooper." Kentucky was very upset and ordered a strong cocktail. "I'm sorry," said Alice "I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers or put you in a fowl mood, but I really think we aren't right for each other. Be careful about how much you drink, I don't want you to get hard-boiled." Alice stood up, went to the jukebox and punched in a song by the Yardbirds. ####===================================================================#### "You ought to be ashamed for jumping on my wife." - Bill Clinton, to Jerry Brown after Brown charged Clinton and his wife, Hillary, with unethical behavior ####===================================================================#### GENESIS BY COMMITTEE ####===================================================================#### Date: Sun, 15 Mar 1992 22:56:00 EST From: "Nancy M. Piatkowski" Subject: genesis by committee (xpost) ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- [origin unknown] If God were process oriented, the book of Genesis would read something like this: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void; so God created a small committee. God carefully balanced the committee vis-vis race, sex, ethnic origin and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self determination according to adjudicatory guidelines. Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day. And God said, "Let the Committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the Committee decided to prioritize and strategize. And God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good. And evening and morning were the second day. And God said, "Let the Committee determine goals and objectives, and engage in long-range planning." Unfortunately, a debate as to the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the 'process' was constructive. And evening and morning were the third day. And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the Committee can envision functional organization, and, engaged in planning, be objective. The Committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions and God saw that this was good. And God thought that is was even worth all the coffee and donuts he had to supply. And so ended the fourth day. And God said, "Let the Committee be implemented consistant with long-range planning and strategy." The Committee considered guildines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternative and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic. And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives. On the sixth day, the Committee agreed on criteria for adjucicatory assesment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda God had planned. He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon to create day and night, heaven, earth and seas, plants and trees, seasons and years, sun and moon, birds, fish, animals and human beings. On the seventh day, God rested and the Committee submitted its recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way God had already created them; so the Committee passed a resolution commending God for His implementation according to guidlines. There was, however, some opinion expressed quietly that man should have been created in the Committee's image. And God caused a deep sleep to fall on the Committee... ---------- ####===================================================================#### UNDERSTANDING YOUR THESIS SUPERVISOR ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 14 Mar 1992 14:58:00 EST From: LYDIA FISH Subject: Thesis Folklore (x-post) Understanding Your Thesis Supervisor WHAT YOUR SUPERVISOR SAYS WHAT YOUR SUPERVISOR MEANS ------------------------- -------------------------- Look on this as a learning You're going to suffer experience Let me explain the format of the Let me make you even more nervous defence I'm here to lend you support I'm here to destroy you so you won't look smarter than me I found the overall concept This is my token compliment before interesting ripping your idea to shreds I would like to have had more time I didn't read it to study this I have some concerns about the I hate the theory but I can't insult theory upon which your study is the author so I'll insult your work based instead There are some aspects of the I read it but I just don't remember study that I would like to hear anything about it more about Your hypotheses are not strongly You came up with an innovative idea enough linked to the existing and I want to make sure you never do literature it again Your research is an interesting Why didn't I think of this before extension of my own work you did? You have failed to take into You failed to cite me account some of the more relevant literature I would like you to explain... I don't know anything about this stuff so you'll have to explain it to me Your statistical results don't I don't understand statistics seem to support your hypothesis Your selection of statistical I'm the only one here that understands tests is rather simplistic statistics and I wanted to rub it in How did you ensure that you had I had to come up with at least one drawn a random sample? question and this one always works Let's wrap this up I'm hungry Could you step out of the room We decided beforehand to give you your while the committee comes to a degree, but we still want to make you decision? sweat some more ####===================================================================#### SMELLS LIKE YAK CHEESE ####===================================================================#### [This simply had to be placed in Purps due to the subject line.] Date: Thu, 16 Apr 92 14:13:37 MDT From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu From sbradley@NMSU.Edu Thu Apr 16 11:59:13 1992 Subject: Smells like yak cheese. Status: R SMELLS LIKE NIRVANA by "Weird Al" Yankovic What is this song all about? Can't figure any lyrics out How do the words to it go? I wish you'd tell me, I don't know Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no Don't know, don't know, don't know... Now I'm mumblin', and I'm screamin', And I don't know what I'm singing' Crank the volume, ears are bleedin' I still don't know what I'm singin' We're so loud and incoherent Boy this outta bug yer parents Yeah It's unintel-ligible I just can't get it through my skull It's hard to bargle nawdle zouss With all these marbles in my mouth don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no don't know, don't know, don't know... Well we don't sound like Madonna Here we are now we're Nirvana Sing distinctly? We don't wanna Buy our album, we're Nirvana A garage band from Seattle Well it sure beats raising cattle Yeah Well I forgot the next verse Oh well, I guess it pays to rehearse The lyric sheet's so hard to find What are the words? Oh, nevermind don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no don't know, don't know, don't know... Well I'm yellin' And we're playin' But I don't know what I'm sayin' What's the message I'm conveyin' Can you tell me what I'm sayin'? So have you got some idea? Didn't think so - well, I'll see ya Sayonara, sayonara Ayonawa, odinawa Odinaya, yodinaya Yaddayadda, Yaahyaah, Ayaaaaah! ####===================================================================#### NEW ELEVATORS ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 24 Apr 1992 08:28 EST From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu Subject: OTIS Latest news in the computer and elevator industry. OTIS inc. is planning to use fuzzy logic for the controller units on its new line of elevators. [This is probably not the fuzzy logic you are thinking of. It's sort of a way of making the elevator behave in a warm fuzzy manner. As we all know, throughout the ages many have been frightened away from elevators by the evil minions of B. Otis (boo hiss!). After all elevators are one of OTIS's special pieces of technology. Why look at how they are used in the amazing chronicals of Doc Savage all the time. And we all know Doc's connections with OTIS don't we? (It's not it's time to send the IGHF some money to pay for your official initiation and education.) Anyways it is hoped that this fuzzy logic elevators will be able to draw back into the OTISian fold those who have strayed.] Is this a secret dictate of SPODE? [Do you think I could just give out confirmation of "secret dictates" in a forum of this nature?] Can you specify what percent of a floor you want to go to? [Better yet, why not give your fate up to the hands of OTIS and let her decide?] Better yet, what percentage of reality you're interested in participating in? [You're treading very close to those "Secrets Mankind Was Not Meant to Know" here.] I'd like the world without most of the tax collectors for this month. [I'll bet we all would. That way we could worry about giving our money to OTIS where it belongs.] Or is this all just a new decor for the interior of those famous OTIS elevators? [Well yes, we have been receving complains about the interiors of elevators lately, especially in Singapor. They've installed "urine dectors" in the elevators to catch naughty elevator riders." {I kid you not folks. Saw this in the paper somewhere.} ] Were any naguas killed to make it? [Actually the question is moot. OTIS created the little cute nagaus so OTIS can destroy them. After all he is a goddess.] ####===================================================================#### JIGSAW IN THE NIGHT ####===================================================================#### [Yes once again we receive an installment from the Pope!] "Jigsaw in the Night", part who knows what, "Pope" Jeph I of the IGHF, 955 MAss. Ave, Suite 209, Cambridge, MA 02139-9183 USA Ah, television... ... I Love Lucy was filmed live before a pre-recorded audience. Now stay tuned for 'Charles in Charge', as Charles has to deal with the difficult questions a fourteen year old has about the birds and the bees, love in the nineties and the intricacies of a global economy. Then it's-- ... and unlike many cereals, Fredie's Crispies stay crispy, usually even in milk! ... Hi there, I'm Willard Scott an-- ... And finally in the news, "Pope" Jephe I of the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes, co-founder of OTISianism, a cult which experts say is the fastest growing on the planet, is missing and presumed drowned at this hour following what US Coast Guard officials are calling a freak weather event. During the disturbance his personal yacht was swamped and sunk off the Hawaiian Islands. Unknown are the fates of the three other craft accompanying the 'Papal Barge' on what was believed to be a scientific expedition investigating one of the very few undersea volcanoes in existence. Apparently the OTISians believe that the volcano, destined to emerge from the sea as an island in the next 10,000 years is a harbinger for the dawning of a new age. For the Pope it seems to have become a very different type of omen. The current whereabouts of Preacher Tim Howland, co-founder of the House are unknown and so it was impossible to contact him for a comment. For NBC News, I'm Patrick Williamson. When I'm moonlighting for CBS I go by the pseudonym 'Snakeyes'. Goodnight. Dead. Uh-huh. I should be so lucky. Where in the hell's the phone? Pizza box, back issue of _Newsweek_ (1973), assorted undergarments... Hmmm... think about this, where did I find it last it rang... Ah, yes! Sink... "Hello? Stewart? Rev up the plane would you? Apparently the Pope's gone and gotten himself killed again." Preacher Tim Howland cradled the phone and mourned the loss of an otherwise quite afternoon. Pickles. Pain. Rough. Sand. Sand and air that scratches at the throat. Sea air. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Open the eyes. Pope Jephe I looked at the sky (blue), the trees (palm), the beach (green), his feet (red), and thought seriously about getting up. After a few failed efforts (lungs don't like exercise after trying to breathe water) however sleep seemed a better idea ####===================================================================#### PAPAL PONDERING ####===================================================================#### [Actaully this is kind of a bit late. I received these just before Purps37 was finished and didn't have time to include these. Enjoy. Let's hope the Pope get's on the Net very soon.] Papal Pondering #6 (I think...) "Pope Jephe I of the IGHF, 955 Mass. Ave. Suite 209, cambridge, MA 02139-9183 USA Back on the internet , too, just as soon as I get a modem promise. "Hooray, hooray, the first of May! Outdoor [expletitive] starts today." -- Mr. Anonymous Good morning, Purps faithful! Hi de o, and HAIL OTIS! Greetings on all (significantly) four points of the compass. Where are those checks you promised me? First of all, hope not; as evidenced by the existence of this column, the Pope has not gone and gotten himself killed (again). I am still, o moderately faithful followers, among the living and guilty of no greater sin[1] then neglecting you somewhat. The reason for my behavior is simple; I've been busy. As you are all no doubt aware, Quebec is seriously considering seceding from Canada again (and taking Vermont with it), nuclear scientists from the former Soviet Union are for sale at truly bargain basement prices (an opportunity too good to pass up), and "UFO" sightings in southern Florida have recently increased somewhere in the order of 700%. What's really kept us busy, however has been the produce of the latest OTISian Directory (available for the address above for a PALTRY $2.50 US), bigger and better formatted than it has been before, a real barn burner, especially at only $2.50/copy. All loyal Purps reader, are, of course, encouraged to buy one, just reach deep into your pockets for the $2.50.[2] But enough of the hard sale (HAIL TED!) on to bigger and better things! To whit: it may feel like the middle of Winter but February has passed, and Spring at last is on its way. And we all know what that means. For the Ignorant Heathen Masses(TM), it means going lolly-eyed over the nearest attractive member of the sex most appealing, following him/her drooling for a few months and hoping he/she will find your ideas on yet another use for whipped cream and sausage[3] appealing. For the unenlightened of the planet it also means waking up earlier in the morning to breathe deep in the hormone laden atmosphere, remembering the pleasure (lost for many months) of short-sleeved shirts and shorts, and finding a quiet spot in the woods to sit and bask in the sun. For the true OTISian, of course, Spring means all those, but also a whole lot more. Spring sees more than its fair share of OTISian festivals and celebrations, after all. (Let the Christians have Winter; we get the sunny seasons, HAIL OTIS!!). Spring libations generally start as soon as the ground is thawed (sometimes sooner), March 18th brings Yak Appreciation Day[4], and, of course, April 1 ushers in the OTISian New Year (complete with champagne and noise-makers). Add to this a slue of "conceptual holidays" (the "just because we felt like we needed a holiday holiday"), and OTISians are usually so tuckered by the end of Summer that they hibernate from late November until early April (rousing only for the Pope's Birthday Celebration, of course). Which means, faithful follower, that if you want to be too tired for Winter, you'd better break out the beer and part hats soon. Just a gentle reminder from the pontiff. Until next time I will probably be -- POPE Jephe I of the IGHF ----- Notes, as always, by "Bill", a House scribe. 1. Well, at least for the purposes of this discussion. 2. Did he mention they were only $2.50/copy? Sorry. 3. Don't look at me... 4. During which OTISians gather together to express their appreciation of one of OTIS' most remarkable creatures, generally by drinking non-stop toasts to it. At midnight, of course, OTISians can be seen climbing to the roof of the highest building around where they stand and replicate the Yak mating call ("Yooooooooooooooooo!") at the top of their lungs until exhausted or arrested for disturbing the peace. ####===================================================================#### THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ####===================================================================#### --Subink 1992