***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 35 ####========================================================#### "One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### Greetings and welcome once again to another exciting issue of Purps. I really don't know what to call this issue. Sad to say, we have no blatant Otis material this time. All of it is very subtle and hidden. For the new subscribers it may be a real challenge to find anything. Fear not however, Otis is there! We recently received yet another missive from the Pope. Here's bits and pieces of what he said for those who missed it: "...Due to our financial situation it will no longer be possible for us to mail out the next OTISian Directory (out by 2/15 we mean it this time) for free to everyone on the list. In fact, at this point it won't even be possible to mail complimentary copies to everyone we review (we may end up just doing "tear" sheets, which would be unfortunate). "...As you know, the normal price of a Directory is $2.50/issue ($8.00/yr/four issues, $14/8 issues, $50/life). To guarantee your copy, what we need from you AT A MINIMUM is a 8 /1/2 by 11" (or larger) envelope, self addressed to you with $0.85 worth of postage on it. WITHOUT AT LEAST THAT, WE CANNOT PROMISE YOU A COPY. [This special envelope deal, below the $2.50 may only apply to those on "the list". You should know who that is. For the rest of you it's probably $2.50. With all the recent problems of Fact Sheet Five. This my be one of your better sources of information.] "If SASE's aren't your thing then we have to ask for a minimum $1.00 (US contribution). "Obviously, people who give more will only receive a copy but may even get it mailed to them first class, and will certainly be beloved in OTIS's sight. Contributions of more than the single issue price of $2.50 will keep the contributor on the mailing list for quite some time. Anyone who finds it in their heart to give more than $10 will receive a complimentary canonization, complete with a mailing dedicated to them and Official House Documents certifying such...." Other news I suppose is we have to get organized here. There are some bits of Otisian material that I've not thrown in this issue because they have been misplaced in the huge barrages of mail I have to sort through. Another problem we are having at the moment is a lack of blatant Otisian submissions. All our story writers seem to have up and quit with us and things are a bit hectic at the Submarine Pens at present to compose. Fear not. We'll try to make the next issue better. Special thanks this issue goes to Lulu who made dire threats if I did not have this issue out on time. As usual copies of Purps are available from quartz.rutgers.edu in the /pub/purps directory or from HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu. From what I gather the Rev still have a few issues of "By the Balls of Brow" You might want to snatch up a copy before it's too late. To order: send the Rev $3 cash, check, money order, whatever, as follows... Pagan Publishing c/o Rev. John Tynes 1409 Wilson Ave. Columbia, MO 65201 Make checks/MO's payable to Rev. John Tynes ####===================================================================#### NOTW (Post office speaks its mind.) ####===================================================================#### [Yes even though she is off the net, the original NOTW woman takes time out of her hectic life to scour the worlds papers looking for NOTW.] From: Steph Klein (Somewhere at large in the world). Yawn: Marla forgives Not to worry, Marla maples and Donald Trump are together --again. "It was blown out of proportion," said the Trumpmeister of their reported midnight battle in a Washington hotel lobby last weekend. Throwing her shoes at the Deal Artist was a "gesture of love," she said, adding: "It really was not a fight ... The next morning we went to church together and spend the day ... Christmas shopping, ... We're still together and very, very happy." They appeared Monday night at the New York premiere of Barbara Streisand's movie "The Prince of Tides," and, yes, Maples was sporting that 7 1/2-carat diamond worth $250,000 she also had thrown at him. Meanwhile, Ivana Trump is flashing a diamond ring gift from beau Ricardo Mazzuchelli that is 2 1/2 carats heavier than he one Maples wears. "I mustn't say if it's an engagement ring," said The Donald's ex-wife. *** Sign Language: Sign on a United Airlines plane: "If you are sitting in an exit row and you can't read this card or cannot see well enough to follow these instruction, please tell a crew member." The sign is printed in six languages as a further help for those who can't read or see. *** Happy new old year: Somebody at Brea, Calif., post office apparently hated to see the year end. That's the best reason we can think of for a "Dec. 32, 1991" postmark on a letter mailed from there. *** Merry Christmas you *&%$#@ By Bob Greene Warning: This column contains language that may offend some readers. On the other hand, the offensive language is the same language that the US. Postal service inadvertently printed on thousands of envelopes containing Christmas cards. Here's what happened: At the Main Post Office on Twin Rivers Drive in Columbus, Ohio, on Dec. 7, a technician was checking a machine called an Optical Character Reader. The machine is vital to the post office's automated processing and sorting operations. To check on whether the machine was working right, the technical had to type a code phrase onto a computer screen. In the midst of fixing the machine, the technician was called to work on another problem in the post office. He thought he had deleted the code phrase. He hadn't. So as thousands of Christmas cards rolled through the postal machinery, the stamps in the upper-right-hand corners of the envelopes were canceled with the Columbus postmark. That's he usual procedure. What wasn't usual was that the code phrase the technical had forgotten to delete was also printed on the envelopes. Which might not have been so bad, except that code phrase was "You Bitch." "I'm afraid that's so," said Ed Johnson, director of marketing and communications for the Columbus post office. "Those were the words on the envelopes. They appeared right above the postage stamps. The words were quite readable -- they were about the type size of words in a story in a daily newspaper." The Columbus post office processed 5 millions pieces of mail that night. But the unfortunate code words were printed only on envelopes that were routed through one machine "The machine was one that handled only envelopes that were 5 1/4 inches tall or taller," Johnson said. "Exactly the kind of envelopes that Christmas card come in." Postal employees, glancing at the out going mail, realize that they had a predicament. "But we didn't notice until most of the envelopes had already gotten though, and had those words on them," Johnson said. "They were on their way to destination all over the U.S. We couldn't stop them." Postal employees in Columbus did their best to minimize the damage. "We took black Magic Markers and blotted out the words on as many envelopes as we could," Johnson said. "But that wasn't really very many envelopes. We estimate that as many as 12,00 envelopes went out with those words on them." If anyone assumes that the technician's code phrase was the technicians personal insult to criticize of the female gender, those people assume wrong, Johnson said. "'You Bitch' was not this technician's personal log-on phrase, or anything," Johns said. "This is really strange, but as best can determine, 'You Bitch' is the phrase that technicians from post office all across the country were taught to type into the computer to check a specific function of this machine. "Apparently an independent contractor had trained the technicians that if they wanted to be sure the ink jets were clear and spraying on this particular kind of machine, those were the words that would trigger the diagnostic process. So this wasn't just one guy, and he wasn't trying to make any kind of point or display any questionable humor, as far as we can tell. He was just typing in the words he had been taught to get the job done." The Columbus post office knew there was no way the mistake was going to go unnoticed: "You could read the words really, really clearly," Johnson said. So advisory notices were sent out around the country, so that all 30,000 post offices in the United States would know who to respond to complaints from local residents who might receive the envelopes from Columbus. "And obviously, that code phrase is going to be changed nationwide," Johnson said. Have people flooded the Columbus Post office with complains? "Not as many as you'd think, "Johnson said. "Some people call who are just curious. Some are angry and want the head of the guy who was responsible. And some want to pay us money to print obscene slogans of their choosing." Many people at the post office feel sympathy for the technician, who didn't do it on purpose. And all the people around the country who received the envelopes with the startling printed slogan, Johnson said the Columbus post office wishes to offer a message: "We didn't mean that. What we really meant to say was, 'Merry Christmas.'" ####===================================================================#### FINAL EXIT II ####===================================================================#### Date: 14 Jan 92 00:13:00 EST From: "MICHAEL S DOW" Werewolves--Tired of undergoing a painful and terrifying transformation every damn time the moon is full? Are you utterly fed up with gypsy curses, strange dreams, torchbearing lynch mobs, waking up with torn clothes, indigestion, and smelling of zoo's wolves cage, tying yourself to chairs and locking yourself in cages, strange marks on your palms, and coughing up hairballs at awkward moments and having to find a flee collar that fits? I thought so. For you, there are two big options. First, you could shoot yourself with silver bullets. I do not recommend this option, because not only is it an ugly and difficult death, which will be hard on your loved ones, both at the funeral and at the drycleaners, but also it is rather difficult to acquire silver bullets. You can, of course, make them yourself, but not only is this a time consuming and expensive process, there are also two other important concerns: first, while the actual shell may be simple to make, getting the proper amount of gunpowder in the casing can be tricky. You might use too little and get the bullet jammed in the barrel, or you might use too much, in which the case the gun will explode probably maiming you severely but not actually crippling you. Second, you are probably now highly allergic to silver, means you will find it almost impossible to work with. And besides, in wolf form, you probably won't have fingers anymore, thus making suicide vastly more difficult. You could get a friend, but what if he or she is a bad shot? You could maul them before they could finish you off, thus not only scotching the suicide attempt, but also infecting your friend with your hideous disease as well. By far the best solution is to buy some wolvesbane, and administer that intravenously. It's slow and painful, but it's the best I can do for you. If you have got a better idea on how to kill yourself, you mangy freak, I advise you try it, and quit skulking around my trashcans! *** Swamp Things: being an intelligent vegetable desperately trying to recover your humanity can be more than some people can bear, especially when your nearest and dearest run screaming from the stinking mass of weeds, slime, rotting limbs, and bugs and leeches that you have become. (eeyuh!)Suicide may come to seem the best option, especially when most counselors, careful to preserve the relaxed, cleanly friendliness of their offices, won't let you into it. And, of course, they refuse to make swamp-calls. How to do it: You have limited options. Your vegetable body regenerates at an incredible rate, and in any event it's pretty pointless to try and kill a plant by shooting it in the head. You also have to take into consideration factors that do not apply to the others in this section, most of whom are still in some sense mammals. As a plant, you play a crucial role in earth's ecology. You cannot take the obvious solution of simply dousing yourself with kerosene and lighting a match, as that would spew harmful greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, thus causing grievous harm to the environment, and endangering your loved ones, not all of whom may regard you as a revolting slime-heap. For the same reason, you can't douse yourself in paraquat (or Agent Orange, if you have government contacts) as that releases harmful toxins that could poison the drinking supply and kill some perfectly innocent people, besides the local villagers who always seem to be out hunting you with torches. For that matter, you can't just lock yourself away in a dark room and until the lack of photosynthesis kills you. This is just like starving yourself to death (if you weren't a disgusting heap of slime) and is a long, drawn-out, and ultimately traumatic process for all involved. No, the best answer for Swampies like you is to find an organic gardening commune which makes its own compost. There, surrounded by those friends and loved ones who can stand the sight and/or smell of you, you may make your tearful farewells before casting yourself into their compost grinder. It's a quick process, and painless since you have no nerve-endings, and completely environmentally friendly. Your remains get tilled into the soil to feed an entire garden, and in turn feed a number of deserving people. If your friends are smart, they can bargain themselves a discount on produce because of your self-sacrifice. ####===================================================================#### THE AMAZING WORLD OF SPODE! ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1992 21:36 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: Some HK Blurbs South China Morning Post - 21 October 1991 _Cunningham_ "The idea is to be completely honest. If you smoke, you will die. I am the tobacco industry's worst nightmare." -Businessman B.J. Cunningham describing a new, Dutch-made brand of cigarettes called "Death", which he launched in London to protest against what he calls the hypocrisy of the tobacco industry. ##### A great idea, but I suspect they will sell well. -Spode *** South China Morning Post - 23 January 1992 _Condom Raid_ BOGOTA: Seven heavily-armed men broke into a Bogota warehouse, locked the staff in a bathroom and stole half-a-million condoms. Colombian police are hunting for well-dressed gunmen with automatic weapons. ***** Are strip searches planned? -Spode *** _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 22 October 1991 _Beer Money_ [stuff deleted] The doomster [Mark Faber, aka Doctor Doom -ed] was encouraged by a recent report that Grolsch sales in the US had risen 12.2 per cent so far this year compared to last year. A marketing angle being considered is that Grolsch is the only beer name you can still pronounce however drunk you are. You try saying "Czechoslovakian Pilsner Urguell" after eight pints. "Chek Pilsh ... er, Shek Bilge ... er, gimme a Grolsch." *** _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 15 January 1992 _Guns and Roses_ People keen on active holidays should definitely consider going to China this year Beijing will hold a "Sound of Peace shooting competition with Chinese military weapons", we read in _Bei Fang_ magazine. Boom. Pow. Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang! Yes, you can really get into those sounds of peace. *** _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 30 March 1991 [stuff deleted] Stranger still was a heart pacemaker advertised in Australia recently as "the only pacemaker with a lifetime guarantee". This is a good marketing angle. There is a glorious logic to it. *** _Sunday Morning Post Magazine_ - 12 January 1992 The prize for the most unexpected suggestion on radio goes to dear old Teresa Norton on FM Select. For those hapless ladies who suspect their men of infidelity, the fearless DJ recommended that they smell their mates' underwear for giveaway signs. Coming soon: Teresa's tips for incontinence. *** _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 16 January 1992 _Sperm Count_ The average paid for human sperm is US$50, according to _US News & World Report_. The average price paid for prized bull sperm is US$250. Puts one in one's place. *** South China Morning Post - 23 January 1992 _In Brief_ Timex used a man in drag for a commercial about a woman so ugly she can stop a clock. The Bob Hoskins look-alike shatters a mirror, a pair of glasses and a bus window on a shopping trip. When she enters a store, TVs, lights and a wristwatch display explode. Picking an undamaged Timex from among the shattered watches, she stares at it with no effect. Then her mug breaks the camera lens. *** Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1991 12:13:55 EDT Subject: Power Breakfast Talking of t-shirts, I picked up one that's a Gary Larson look-alike which has a cow strapped to the wall by it's front legs, udder hanging pitifully....and there's this muscled bloke in leather with a whip in his raised hand and the caption reads: "The horrible truth behind whipped cream." It's a scream.... :) Manohar ####===================================================================#### St. Nick ####===================================================================#### [Like a dead horse we seem to continue to flog away at this. Does anyone happen to have any Valentine stuff?] Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1992 21:48 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: Some final xmas bits... Info-IBMPC Digest Thu, 20 Dec 91 Volume 91 : Issue 302A Today's Editor: Gregory Hicks - Rota Spain Today's Topics: St Nick (AKA: Santa) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 20 Dec 1991, 15:59:00 GMT From: Gregory Hicks - Rota Spain Subject: St Nick (AKA: Santa) The following message was received from a major US military headquarters located somewhere in Europe and cannot be confirmed or denied due to the nature by which the message was obtained. I provide it to the readership in general due to it's time sensitive nature. Gregory Hicks Editor QUOTE 1. Recent satellite imagery of the northern latitudes has revealed an unusually high level of activity at the North Pole. While all source intelligence has not positively identified the cause of the activity, preliminary analysis indicates the presence of numerous elves and reindeer and one rather rotund person dressed in red and sporting a long white beard. 2. We have alerted all intelligence commands of this activity. While no flight plan has yet been files, communications intercepts indicate an intention for southbound flight operations to commence early evening on 24 December - Christmas Eve. 3. We will continue to track this unusual activity. As the expected date for operations approaches, we will increase monitoring and provide updated information to all commands and homes. 4. We feel this information is of special interest to younger family members. Request you alert all children under your care. Again, while all-source confirmation has not yet been received, expert analysts tend to support the theory that this activity is associated with Santa Claus. 5. To all of you in this holiday season, Merry Christmas. /s/ Admiral ... UNQUOTE ------------------------------ End of Info-IBMPC Digest V91 #302A ********************************** ------- *** "It is a little-known fact that the following Christmas the weather was just fine and the reindeer immediately went back to treating Rudolph like a second-class citizen." -The Christmas Pessimist ####===================================================================#### BRIEF WEIRDNESS ####===================================================================#### From: gateh%CONNCOLL.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu Date: Wed, 29 Jan 92 10:17:57 EST Subject: brief weirdness Heard a story on CBS News Radio out of NY the other day about an old blues artist who died recently. Apparently he was playing a gig in a club in Minneapolis, MN, when, after completing a song titled something like "What else is there left to do now?" the singer collapsed on stage and died. On a more personal note, I've noticed some interesting things while driving around the area. Pulling into a parking space facing a small pickup truck, I got a good chuckle when I noticed that one corner of the front bumper had been smashed in along with a "Shit Happens" bumper sticker, which appeared to have taken the brunt of the collision. Similarly, there was for some time a "CAUTION: LOW OVERHANG" sign on an area bridge which had had its bottom sheared off. Upward and onward... HAIL OTIS! - Gregg Gregg TeHennepe | Academic Systems Coordinator BITNET/CREN: gateh@conncoll | Connecticut College, New London, CT ####===================================================================#### STATE OF THE UNION ####===================================================================#### [Yes contrary to popular opinion the IRC preach-o-rama still exits on occasion. Below is a transcript from during that memorable state of the union address. Memorable in that it's all been said before.) ] Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 23:04:17 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: The State of the Union As you all know, the President has just given his state of the union speech. For those of you who missed it, a play by play follows: *** Gruntpig has joined channel #purps So Gruntpig how's bushy doing? oh he's got all the republicans hooting and hollering Ab ab Read my lips...new throw up on a Japanese politician...even if they feed you thousand year old eggs. Hootie Hoot! Hootie Hoot! Oh that's easy to do. He probably dropped his pants right? oh yeah, you know how the GOP loves an old man exposin' himself *Spamgod* takes place about every 3-4 days - *spamgod* weird *Spamgod* yup. but that's the way the world works "we must revolutionize America's schools" ha ha ha Well wasn't kissinger the one who said politics is a great aphrodisiac? - *spamgod* well there goes my invisible robot monkey theory *Spamgod* ???? power is the ultimate aphrodisiac Ooohhh...yes, Henry...VETO ME!!! - *spamgod* I was convinced that the world worked through the influence of invisible robot monkeys...guess I was wrong "we must do something about crime and drugs" like ignore them *Spamgod* ahhh women on subways deserve the right to get to their jobs safely Yeah like pick on children and their alcohol problems and not adults because children don't vote. people who stay home at night are being denied a basic civil right Yeah like right to be free from unlawful search and seizure. "we must empower the poor with the pride which comes from owning a home and getting a job" *laugh* Oh that's a good one. it does sound like some old dusty speech. he didn't say anything about given the poor a bath and a decent haircut Ah well the "thousand points of light" take care of that. besides most of them are heroin addicts so they can't stand to bathe right? :-) well ya can be bathed in light but it still makes ya smell Hmm so did they do the silly thing where they like pull the camera in close when he speaks then back it up when he's done? bushy is against National Health Insurance...says it restricts choice and causes long lines yeah the camera is pretty close up...looks like his head is 5 feet tall The head of a god I suppose...probably looks like a rotten potato though. "we must get the federal deficit under control" the crowd goes wild nah it looks more like a dried up turnip OH that's an easy thing to say. Hmm rally round the flag with george. "free hookers to all congressman" oh, I guess he didn't say that one They're like drawing slips of paper out of a hat for him to read from old speeches right? OH but he probably meant that. that's why we can't have national health. yeah I think he just pulled out a Harry Truman yeah we don't want to cut into the booze and whores budget So like, basically what he's saying is: "I am FOR Mom, the flag, and apple pie. I am against Crime, debt, kids on rugs...and other bad things" "The government is too big and spends too much" brilliant insight George drugs, that is. :) Lulu: exactly. You could write the president's speech! yeah kids on rugs only scuff things up and you have to vacuum more often Next he'll say the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. "give me the line item veto and let me help you control spending" *yawn* Hmm he's been whacking at that for years. give me more power even though I have more than enough. yeah this speech is for the brain dead King George I "we must strengthen the family because it is the family that has the greatest bearing on our future" *laugh* well maybe he'll soon elect a horse to be in his cabinet or something. he just invoked the image of Barbara holding an AIDS baby...said she's telling us that "family matters" Image? they have a slide show? Hmmm...is Barbara a Steve Urkel fan?? we need to ease the burden of rearing a child...I guess that means child abuse is OK No we need to like fawn the kids off to the state for proper mind control. no slide show...he's making shadow puppets on the flag Cool. next he'll wrap himself in it right? and shake his fist at those damn Libyans or something. oh now he's making bunny ears behind Tom Foley Cool. "welfare was never meant to be a lifestyle or a habit" gotta go get my welfare fix Good grief this speech is so silly! welfare recipients need to get their lives in order...stop having illegitimate kids...and obey the law It's like WS Burroughs was writing it or something from old speeches. Oh obey the law? what law? yeah it's all cut ups...it's really bad the law of the jungle that's what law Hmm well maybe he'll wrap up with something exciting? Has he talked about Russia or china or japan at all? or defense for that matter? You've been hearing about old berserk Boris firing folks at factories and other weird stuff? and now he's like "away" and can't meet with people on maybe some binge. "Go tell Neil Armstrong and the men and women of desert storm that our workers are lazy and uninspired!" this is getting really silly *laugh* they can put a man on the moon but they can't write a decent speech None of those people worked in factories. or were thrown in jail or punished for not producing. :-) ok, he's done now...I'm gonna go flip through the channels for the rebuttal ####===================================================================#### ART OR CARRION? ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 14 Jan 92 14:56:33 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: feed your head Round Up - Thursday, January 9, 1992 U. of Illinois art student 'pulls a head' COLLEGE PRESS SERVICE CHICAGO - A grisly display has students at the University of Illinois at Chicago wondering whether the head of a human cadaver was displayed at an undergraduate art gallery under the title, "King of Vermin." Campus police are investigating reports that an unidentified student obtained the head from a medical school. Several students reported seeing the exhibit, which was displayed only for one day. 'lt was something that looked like the head of a balding male. It was wrapped in several layers of Saran Wrap. It was leaning to the side like it was plopped down on a plate of lettuce with grapes as a garnish," said Sheila Broderick, freshman art student in medical illustration. Broderick said that incisions were visible on the head as if it had been dissected to some degree. According to Scott Allen, a junior in art and design, the student responsible for the exhibit was it the art gallery and had bragged that he had acquired the head of a human cadaver from the university. "I thought he was kidding until I looked at it closer," Allen said. "If it wasn't real, I'd be shocked." Although Allen admits not knowing the name of the student in question, "I would know him if I saw him," he said. Jason Wietlispach, undergraduate in art and organizer of the GBU gallery, said something resembling a human head wrapped in plastic wrap was displayed in the GBU gallery's show which opened Oct. 15. He would neither confirm nor deny it being a human cadaver. He also refused to release the identity of the student who created the exhibit. Another art student, George Ireland, saw the exhibit in the gallery and said the student claimed that he got the head from the medical school. According to Allen, the unidentified student was answering questions from people who had gathered around the exhibit. He said that a few students were offering money for what the unidentified student claimed to be a human head stolen from an unlocked medical - refrigerator on campus. Broderick reported that the student boasted, "He donated his body for science and I am using it for art." Miriam Zayed, assistant to the head of the medical school's department of anatomy, said no human cadaver parts were reported missing. She added that cadavers were kept by the undergraduate biology department which was unavailable for comment. A medical student, who wished to remain anonymous, said that he believed human cadaver parts could be removed from the medical school without difficulty. Under Illinois statutes, mutilation of a person as part of a performance or practice is a felony. The statute is silent as to whether a dissected human body would be considered a person. Also, according to the state criminal code, "any person who offers to buy or sell a human body or any part of a human body is guilty of a Class A misdemeanor." ####===================================================================#### DIGITAL DOMAIN ####===================================================================#### [Ars Nova a performance group (or is it a religion) that has done many live performances some of which have included Otisian material. If you ever happen to be in the New Mexico area you might want to check them out.] Date: Tue, 14 Jan 92 22:49:49 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: digital domain Here's a sneak peek at the script for the piece I'm doing this Saturday at the Ars Nova show. Digital Domain VOICE: The Church of the Holy Apostolic Analog to Digital Conversion is on the air. Imagine, a world free of pain and disease. Where aging and infirmity are a thing of the past. The bible tells of such a place, and thanks to the miracle of modern computer technology that prophecy can come true in your lifetime and for all eternity. Reverend Macintosh has helped thousands achieve their eternal glory in God's digital domain. Isn't it time you and your loved ones were digitized as well? And now here's Reverend Macintosh with todays program. (REV comes on stage to much applause) REV: Welcome to the Church of the Holy Apostolic Analog to Digital Conversion. The church where we don't just *save* souls, we back 'em up *digitally*. We got the machines of ever loving grace given to us by our *savior* to make sure that you don't have to spend *another day* *trapped* in that bag of bones of yours waiting for the angel of death to *strike you down*. You can go to your glory the modern way by being digitized into our holy hard drive with a *direct link* to the pearly gates and God almighty. Why, I just got done talking to one of our friends on the other side and he said to me "Preacher, you don't know how grateful I am. (pause) I can do things here I thought I could never do. I can read an entire encyclopedia before you can say hallelujah. I got the lord *himself* online giving me stock market tips so I can give my young'ns a better future. I can go anywhere and do anything that my heart desires and I owe it all to you." And he's not the only one. *Thousands* of people *every day* are going to their glory in the digital domain and they're waiting for *you* to join them. Now many of you are saying "digital domain?" I don't want to live in no computer, preacher. I'd turn into a *robot* or something. And let me tell you, I know where you're coming from 'cause I been there myself. But what you don't realize is that you *already* live in a computer (pause) and it's called the human brain. That's right, when the lord god made you he gave you a *biological* computer. And the program that computer runs is *you*. But the *problem* is that computer breaks down. The lord god made Adam out of clay, which means that he made his *brain* out of clay, and clay *breaks down.* (pause) But the lord in his infinite wisdom also gave us sand. And with sand we can make silicon. And with silicon we can make semiconductors. And with semiconductors we can make computers that *won't* break down. Computers that'll keep that program of yours running for all eternity in all the glory that our lord intended. Glory glory hallelujah, hallelujah! Now I'm getting a sign. I'm getting word from above. I see that one of you is ready. One of you has been chosen to go to his glory. One of you has been *selected* by god. Who will rise up? Who among you will come forward to meet the lord? I'm seeing a letter. I'm seeing an O. Someone who's name starts with O. Could it be? Brother Owen your day of glory is upon you! (Brother Owen gets thrown in the digitizer and blood spills down the front as he gets scanned in accompanied by great swells of backwards organ music.) REV: Brother Owen, in the name of God, I command you to testify to the congregation. (A poorly animated picture of Brother Owen appears on screen with a bad voice synthesizer doing the vocals.) OWEN: I feel wonderful. It's a miracle. I give all my earthly possessions to the church. Glory glory hallelujah. THE END ####===================================================================#### RELIGOUS HUMOR ####===================================================================#### Date: 19 Jan 92 17:47:00 EST From: Wombat Subject: submission?? Or did I send this to you already? I haven't been terribly creative lately. From: VAX001::HILLV "Can't run but I can walk much faster than this--" 9-DEC-1991 15:05:33.28 To: MATT EI MAUL WILLIAM DAD CC: Subj: religious humor to ease the academic tension An atheist dies and goes to heaven. (No, that's not the funny part.) Needless to say, he is none too pleased to find himself at the pearly gates and chatting with St. Peter. "How did this happen? I'm not supposed to be here and you're not supposed to exist!" "Well, my son," replied the Saint, "all good creatures go to heaven and partake of the afterlife." "Hang on a minute," said the 'theist, "I don't even know what's supposed to happen up here! Can't I go back?" "No dice," said St. Peter, "but I will give you a tour." Sure enough, as the two walked about, the atheist discovered that everyone was there. The Baptists were frolicking in and out of the river, Protestants were gulping Gin & Tonics, the Buddhists were walking about looking truly enlightened--when suddenly the two came to a massive brick wall which enclosed an entire section of heaven, completely separating it from the rest of the assembly. "What's this," he asked his guide. "Oh, that's the Catholics. They still think they're the only ones who got here." P.S. This joke was originally told to me by a Catholic, so it's Kosher. (Oh I'm just so funny today! Too much coffee. Way too much coffee.) ####===================================================================#### DIVINE VISION OF THE GODDESS ####===================================================================#### Date: 20 Jan 92 02:33:00 EST From: St JAMES Subject: RE: A little something to keep you occupied until Purps comes out I got your message a little late; You see it goes something like this... A long tyme ago, I picked up my very own copy of _The ILLUMINATUS! Trilogy_. This was, though I had no Idea of it at the tyme, was to be my un-and-re-doing. Strange times have descended. After about two weeks of struggling with the book, I put it down feeling that it was just a silly 'paranoid' trip of a few drug fiends who thought that they just might be able to pull one over on the Amerikkkan public. Silly me. I went to my Living room and picked up and issue of National Geographic (May 1982) and began to browse through. The table of contents looked interesting with articles on such topics as 'The Great Pyramid' and 'The Fnords of Sweden.' Later I was struck with my find as my mother hurled the magazine across the room at me. I went to school and met Thom Knauer; fiend of frenzy, and Arch Duke of Discordia at the bright and shiny college of Kenyon. He gave me a copy of the Principia Discordia. It was a wonderful thing to do. Put me on the path toward Eris. Then one night, Eris herself came unto me in the middle of Drama class, during an argument between our teacher, a middle aged woman who many would call Insane, and an young Jock-type who is firm in his belief that he and he alone had figured out that the democratic system of Amerikkka was both just, and completely correct. She actually appeared in the form of a great golden apple that was both apple and goddess and tangelope. She spoke in a soft voice that said the following: "James." At that point I turned to Titania, who was sitting beside me and said: "Yes?" She looked at me with a slightly puzzled expression then resumed listening intently to the argument. "James!" The voice was coming from the stage. I looked up. I blinked about five times. There was, sitting on the stage, a giant apple, a woman of great beauty, and what I was to find out later was a tangelope. Thing was, they were all combined into one. Thinking that someone had again dosed my lunch, I played along with my frenzied mind. "James, this is real, no-one has dosed your lunch. But be careful of the green-beans at dinner." "What the fuck...?" I found myself saying, then looked around to see if anyone else was seeing this. Everyone else was frozen. "Don't worry," she said, "we're simply moving in a time frame much faster than normal right now. Listen good, dear: All this Otisianism stuff is well and good, but it's getting off track. I'm assigning you with the task of fixing things." "Wha...? How could I...?" "Shut up and listen!" She screamed, "Now you're already a saint, so you have some clout, What you need to do is Search for the Armadillo." With that, and a puff of smoke and some off-key trumpets, she and the apple were gone. The Tangelope wiggled and left stage via the fly... This summer, It was found. We found it at work, painting the campus rooms. (Here it must be made known that there were in fact three different species of armadillos found: The regular garden variety armadillo, the Opposable thumbed armadillo, and the worst kind- The Telekinetic Armadillo. the telekinetic armadillo is reported to be in league with the GSG-the Gambier Sewer Gibbons and a highly unstoppable force when roused or cornered.) We were plagued with the various forms of armadillo life during the entire summer. This fall, I was told by Thom Knauer (Hail Spode!) to re-read the the Illuminatus! Trilogy. That is what I was doing when I realized two things 1) It just might be possible that you were in fact the real Malaclypse the younger, and 2) How many 2's, 3's and 5's there were in my recent life.... hurrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmm.............................. Hope you enjoy this, Hail Eris -St.James the Red ####===================================================================#### MISSING-PERSON LOCATER ####===================================================================#### [Note: after some testing, it has also been determined that this method can be used for locating lost socks. Instead of using a photo (or whatever) of your intended target, use the mismatch sock. Also you may receive a boost in range by making a farraday cage of tinfoil.] Date: Thu, 23 Jan 1992 18:31:00 EST From: LYDIA FISH Subject: Folklore on the networks X-cc: folklore@tamvm1.BITNET Forwarded from VWAR-L ********************************************************************* MISSING-PERSON LOCATER The following information is a very simple technique for finding missing children, adults, MIA's, etc.. Please take it SERIOUSLY. Make a 90-degree "Angle Wire" by bending an 18" length of 1/8" iron welding rod at right angles at the center and slipping it into a 7" length of 1/4" straight copper tubing. Both ends of the rod should be pointed, and the top end of the tube should be smooth and flat so the wire can turn freely inside the tube. Wrap the four fingers of your right hand around the copper tube, and place the front of the thumb against the side of the tube near the top so that the center of the whorl of your thumb is pressed against the tube. Stand on solid ground with your feet about one foot apart, and hold the Angle Wire so the copper tube is vertical, about 15 inches in front of your chest. Place the center of the whorl of your left index finger against a "specimen" of the missing person while thinking about him or her. (A "specimen" is the image of the person in a polaroid photograph, a photographic negative, or a print having an existing negative; a spot of blood on a piece of paper, a hair, or possibly even an original signature, of the person.) The Angle Wire will then turn to point in the direction of the missing person (if he or she is still alive, at least). Repeat this procedure while facing in different directions. The person can then be found by going in the direction that the wire is consistently pointing toward, or by moving some distance at right angles to that direction and finding the new direction (triangulation method). Many people are not likely to be successful with this technique, especially people who have received x-rays. Those who have demonstrated success at "water witching" or "MAP DOWSING" are most likely to be successful at this. However, each person involved in looking for missing persons should TRY IT. Practice by "locating" people who are NOT missing. This technique should be used to find missing children, kidnap victims, MIA's, or lost pets. It should NOT be MIS- used to track down tax evaders, absent fathers, draft dodgers, or other innocent people trying to avoid legalized extortion, armed robbery, and slavery. This technique was developed by a Canadian scientist, Frances Nixon, of The Vivaxis Energies Research International Society, 211 Blackman St., New Westminster, British Columbia V3L 2A8, Canada. Contact THEM for more information. EVERYONE please COPY and DISSEMINATE widely ALL of this. Robert E. McElwaine ####===================================================================#### MORE SPODE ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1992 21:39 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: And a few more from the Pearl of the Orient... South China Morning Post - 21 October 1991 _Gaddafi_ "The technical reports on the causes of the crash of Pan Am flight 103 show that it was not provoked by an explosion but by meteorological conditions." -Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Gaddafi disputing American and British claims that the Pan Am air crash over Lockerbie was caused by a Libyan bomb. *** South China Morning Post - 21 October 1991 _Games Backfire_ THE HAGUE: Dutch firemen used boltcutters to free a man who found himself trapped in handcuffs after sex games with a prostitute backfired. The prostitute manacled the man at his own request but was then unable to free him. *** Clarence Thomas' Top Ten Favorite Movie Rentals (courtesy of David Letterman) 1. "Wetness for the Prosecution" 2. "Ernest Goes to the Mustang Ranch" 3. "Orgy in the Court" 4. "Twelve Angry Men and a Really Hot Cheerleader" 5. "Legal Spreadeagles" 6. "The 69th Amendment" 7. "L.A. Raw" 8. "Red Hot Stuff Conservatives are Supposed To Be Against" 9. "Jaccoby Does Meyers" 10. "Dances Without Briefs" ***** -Seriously rude! -Spode :) *** At a London Conference, there was a session discussion on TV experiences, where one of the deaf girls persuaded the coordinator that Strapadichtomy was the correct term for penile addition (actually phalloplasty)...if you don't get it, pronounce it `strapadicktome'. Took 15 mins to get order back into the meeting when he realised what he'd been saying: I thought it was a pretty smart stunt for a deaf person to play on someone who can hear! Seriously, there is an organisation (NYC-based?) called RECAP which deals with men who don't like the fact that they've been circumcised. It stands (I kid you not) for REClaim A Penis, and they have a device or practice (I know not which) which will (given time) stretch the skin around the base of the _glans penis_ from the frenum to the hood so that it re-forms a kind of foreskin. *NOT* something I wish to try! +++ -I think I will leave the sender of this bit anonymous. I just felt I had to share it. Any embarrassed people should just delete it and forget it. :) -Spode ####===================================================================#### MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1992 21:46 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: Medical Terminology for the Lay(wo)man MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN ARTERY.........................THE STUDY OF FINE PAINTINGS BARIUM.........................WHAT YOU DO WHEN C.P.R. FAILS BENIGN.........................WHAT YOU BE AFTER YOU BE EIGHT CESAREAN SECTION...............A DISTRICT IN ROME COLIC..........................A SHEEP DOG COMA...........................A PUNCTUATION MARK CONGENITAL.....................FRIENDLY DILATE.........................TO LIVE LONGER FESTER.........................QUICKER G.I. SERIES....................BASEBALL GAMES BETWEEN TEAMS OF SOLDIERS GRIPPE.........................WHAT YOU DO TO A SUITCASE HANGNAIL.......................A COATHOOK MEDICAL STAFF..................A DOCTOR'S CANE MINOR OPERATION................SOMEBODY ELSE'S MORBID.........................A HIGHER OFFER NITRATE........................LOWER THAN DAY RATE NODE...........................WAS AWARE OF ORGANIC........................CHURCH MUSICIAN OUTPATIENT.....................A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED POST-OPERATIVE................A LETTER CARRIER PROTEIN........................IN FAVOR OF YOUNG PEOPLE SECRETION......................HIDING ANYTHING SEROLOGY.......................STUDY OF ENGLISH KNIGHTHOOD TABLET.........................A SMALL TABLE TUMOR..........................AN EXTRA PAIR URINE..........................OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT" VARICOSE VEINS.................VEINS THAT ARE VERY CLOSE TOGETHER I thought it was hysterical! --Don ####===================================================================#### THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ####===================================================================#### --Subink 1992