***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 34 ####========================================================#### "One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### Welcome to a brand new year. Yes, it's 1992. A brand new year to spread the truth of Otis! 365 days of pure OTISian fun. [Let's just pretend I wrote that bit on January 1 instead of a few minutes before I mailed this out.] I'm sorry for the delay about getting this out. The mailer we use has not been allowing out going mail for over a month. This is mostly due to the load we were placing on it. You'll notice this came to you by another address. The address at the top of this is still very valid. It just cannot be used for mass mailings at this time. We'll survive. [As I recall the Pope might have a similar problem in his stint of editing. Perhaps it's time to cry "Religious Oppression!" Or is it Spode just throwing a spanner into the works to make our job here at the Submarine Pens trickier?] One point that has come to my attention recently is how to pronounce OTISian? Does one say OTIS-ian or Oteesian similar to Parisian? We should settle this point immediately seeing as we don't want the unwashed masses thinking there are two religions out there. [Then again, we might be able to bilk the gullible out of two donations instead of one.] Another point I should raise is submissions. Besides the various sundry hardware, holiday and mailer problems we had, there was a lack of submissions. This was probably because of the holidays, so no biggie. Anyway, I encourage each and every one of you folks reading this to send us along something. We can always use more submissions. Make your place in the sun. Become famous for 15 minutes as it were. Purps now goes out all over the computer to OTIS knows where. Our subscription list is just the tip of the iceberg I gather. Also, Purps does go out through the snail mail and who knows whom that reaches. So you see, it's easy. Submit to Otis and become famous. [And when you do, remember to donate some of that money you gained off being in Purps to the IGHF.] As for the Pope, he is alive and well. We just received a missive in the mail from him. No doubt maybe of you have received one as well. I case you didn't here's some of what he said: "Despite the lag and the changes, however, we have, in all false modesty, one hell of a good issue [The Otisian Directory] coming up (HAIL OTIS!), with guest reviews [by the Infamous Doc Simpson. Maybe he'll reveal some of what he found in the Gobi on his last expedition.] (he promises me) and several other folks, more original 'fiction' than we've ever published before (including work by Glenn Russell, if he lets me, and Judy Fitzgerald), more art than you can shake a stick at (hey, what you do with your free time is your own business), and (HAIL OTIS!!!!) absolutely NO poetry to speak of. So far I'm looking at around 40 pages (a double issue), although budget constraints may scale it back somewhat. Our estimated date of publication is FEB. 15, WAY behind schedule, but it can't be helped. Deadline for submissions [use address at top of Purps] (which, if you asked, we are still accepting), is 2/10 for "printer ready" material, 2/1 if you want me to typeset or otherwise prepare anything." Probably soon we'll have an official announcement on this but I figured the Pope wouldn't mind giving you a sneak preview. With the more or less demise, or dormancy of Fact Sheet Five The Directory may be one of your best bets to find neat stuff. Okay enough preaching and on with the show. This issue is huge. About a week ago or so submissions started trickling in which I'm more than thankful for. I've also received a few by mail as well. I hope that the next issue will come out at it's supposed to-- Two weeks from now. ####===================================================================#### NEWS OF THE WEIRD ####===================================================================#### From: Fawn Fitter real live Freelance Journalist. Look for her up coming article "in Cosmopolitan". [News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd] Time magazine reported in June a growing trend in Third World countries of people selling their organs to brokers in order to improve their standard of living. In high demand are kidneys (typical price, $2,000), corneas ($4,000) and skin ($50 a patch). One tailor was interviewed after having sold a kidney to pay for this daughter's wedding. In July policed entering a suburban Detroit home found an intoxicated 5-year-old boy who was smoking a cigarette and demonstrating a sex act. He said he had just been given gin by his father. Robert L. Barber, a biologist for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service in the federal office building in downtown Atlanta, collects bullet shells during his lunch-hour walks. He claimed recently to have acquired more than 10 pounds of lead and brass casings in the last for year just within a five-block radius so his office. The Texas Department of Human Services rushed radio public-service announcement out in July to combat a "crisis" in teenage pregnancy after learning of a 24-year-old grandmother. In Kansas City, Mo., a 41-year-old man was hospitalized in March after a botched burglary attempt. He had been surprised by an off-duty police officer as he was attempting to burglarize a Dillard's department store. His accomplice jumped in their getaway car and attempted to run over the officer, who managed to get out of the way, but the burglar didn't and was run over and injured severely. Five employees at the Pacer Industries plant in Pensacola, Fla., were overcome by carbon monoxide in a workplace accident this summer. The company makes auto parts, including devices to detect carbon monoxide. During March's Firefighters Association cook-off in San Antonio, Texas, a fire stared in the grassy area housing the barbecue grills, then spread and ultimately damaged more than 100 cars before it was contained. Tony Zappia, 33, of Santa Monica, Calif,. was seriously inured in April in an incident that began when a bird sitting on a lamppost relieved itself on Zappia's head. Angered, Zappia began shaking the lamppost but only succeeded in loosening a large bulb, which crashed onto his head, fracturing his skull. The Ottawa Civic Hospital heart-patient wing, newly constructed and as yet without patients, was nonetheless to be the site of a long-awaited visit by Britain's Princess Diana in October. The hospital thus gathered former patients who had been treated in other part of the hospital to come to the heart wing, put pajamas on and lie in bed and greet the princess. Jesus Henderson, 22, was arrested in St. Paul, Minn., fleeing the sandwich shop he had just robbed. His escape dash happened to take him past a police precinct station during a shift change, with many officers going in and out of the building. And Arthur Bringe, 60, a Chicago nursing-home resident, tried to rob the First National Band in Ma on payday for the nearby police precinct. He was arrested when the teller signaled a uniformed sergeant in her line that Bringe had handed her a hold up note. Michael Michell, 40, a prison escapee from Montana, was arrested in August while attending a Seattle Mainers baseball game. He as in line at a souvenir stand at the ballpark right in front of Montana State Prison Warden Jack McCormick who was attending the game while on vacation. McCormick later said: "He was real surprised to see me. I said, "Hi Mike, how are you doing?" Donna Endicott was driving on I-84 near Portland, Ore, in May when she noticed that the car in front of her was hers, which has been stole recently. She followed the car for about 20 minutes until it sopped in front of a house and two men got out. She jumped into the stolen car and drove away. The men had gotten out to commit a robbery, and when they emerged from the house, they had no getaway car and were captured less than an hour later. Terry Goodman, a construction worker in San Jose, Calif., who was using a portable toilet when a forklift operator picked it up and moved it to another location won $89,000 in a May lawsuit for the resulted injuries. In Quarkertown, Pa., Gladys Diehl and her husband filed a lawsuit last spring against the Sealy mattress company and Hess' department store, claiming that a 26-inch-long snake had been living in side the mattress they purchased. It was the couples second such mattress; after the felt slithering in the first one, they exchanged for rot a second one, then felt slithering in that one, too. They took the second mattress to a testing laboratory, where the snake, by the dead, as discovered. The National Easter Seal society sued the American Lung Association (which issues "Christmas seals") last summer in Madison, Wis., to prevent it from using the concept of "seals" for fun-raising campaigns. ####===================================================================#### JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT BROCCOLI WAS SAFE TO EAT ####===================================================================#### Subject: Too sick to believe (Maybe George is right!?). Date: Wed, 18 Dec 91 17:09:48 -0500 From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" >From: Ted.Taylor@p4214.f104.n109.z1.FidoNet.Org (Ted Taylor) Subject: A Word of Warning... Date: 16 Dec 91 02:23:46 EST I'm posting this with the deepest regret, but I have to tell you about the broccoli I got at the market on Saturday. NICE broccoli, high price, fresh and just the right color, and it even came with a band around the stalks saying "NO pesticides/insecticides/preservatives." "Wonderful," I thought to myself, "even with all the problems they're having in California, we can still get great produce from California, here on the east coast. Isn't America wonderful?" The broccoli tasted great, too -- my wife and I each had a clump, and I steamed half of the rest of it for a quiche. On closer inspection -- fortunately, BEFORE putting the broccoli into the quiche -- it turned out the head was utterly infested with white flies. Little guys, just slightly bigger than the "beads" at the end of broccoli floret, and kinda gray/white in color. And lots of them -- thousands, I think. (I'm not exaggerating. Once I knew what I was looking for, I couldn't turn over a floret without seeing a lot of white flies.) Froze the unused portion with the steamed half, got my money back (no argument, you betcha). But the really bad news is... I can't trust broccoli any more. Not until they solve the white fly problem. What to look for (and yes, if you know what they are you can spot them in the store) is little ovals (with very fine legs sticking out, mosquito-like), about half-way between an "o" and a "." in size. QUITE small, and if you browse through the broccoli florets, there's a fair chance of finding some. As many as were on this one head of broccoli (many hundreds? a few thousands?), it's clear it will take an enormous eradication program to get rid of these little devils. And it should also be clear that prices will go up, and that we'll have to get used to a lot more insecticide in our food, too. And once those trucks from California come our way, this coming spring, those white flies are going to be /everywhere/ in these United States. There is one bright side to this. The little bug(ger)s are darned tasty. My wife and I thought it was the best broccoli we ever had, until we found out why it tasted different from other broccoli we'd had. Sweet, and crunchy -- just like broccoli ought to be. -- T T ####===================================================================#### THE AMAZING WORLD OF SPODE ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1991 11:08 HKT From: "Mighty Spode God of Chaos" Subject: tidbits to brighten your weekend... _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 13 December 1991 _No Kidding_ A colleague reminded us of a town in the United States called Big Ugly. Some years ago, a child went missing, but was found safe a few days later. The headline in the local newspaper the following day said it all: Big Ugly Child Found. +++++++++++++++++++++ _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 21 November 1991 _Customs gets a wee bit of the old pooh-pooh_ It's tough being an international zoo worker. Customs officers are simply not understanding enough about what one has to take through barriers. This we heard from a senior Hongkong executive who met a panda specialist from San Diego Zoo on a Dragonair flight. The zoo executive was passing through Hongkong on a trip to Fuzhou Zoo, to meet her Chinese counterparts. Customs officers do not easily accept that the alcoholic-looking liquid you are carrying is "panda urine", she sighed. You need all sorts of equipment. People are surprised to learn that pandas are not naturally kind and gentle, but this behavior has to be coaxed out of them, she said. How? She plucked a specially-designed panda marital aid out of her bag - another nightmare to explain to the customs desk. The worst thing is when you have to transport a sample of animal matter that looks exactly like cannabis, she said. Picture the beefy, unsympathetic customs guard pointing at this packet of illicit-looking brown crumbly stuff. "And what do you call this, madam?" "Dragon poo." But it was. She had to carry feces samples from a Komodo dragon. It is the sort of reply that makes customs officials smile pityingly and lock you up. +++++++++++++++++++++ _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 December 1991 _Legal Lights_ Now this is an abuse-the-lawyers story written by a lawyer. You can tell from the style. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? (1). The party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", shall, with or without elevation at his option, by ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", and rotate the part of the second part in a counterclockwise direction. (2). Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable statutes. (3). Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). Etc, etc. +++++++++++++++++++++ _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 26 September 1991 _Square Circles_ Reader Neil McLaughlin phoned 824-6111, a number described in the telephone directory as "Immigration - All Inquiries". The voice said he could not help, as he only dealt with General Inquiry. "I asked for the extension number of someone who might be able to help me," said Mr. McLaughlin. He said that that was also a Special Inquiry, so he could not answer it. "I asked him if he could connect me to someone else who knew somebody else who knew who I should be speaking to." He was given the number of the Main Directory, which he called. "I have a Special Inquiry to make," he said. "Please explain the nature of your inquiry." He obliged. "That is a General Inquiry. Call 824-6111." Click. +++++++++++++++++++++ South China Morning Post - 13 December 1991 _Rum Stolen by Elephants_ NEW DELHI: Army officials in West Bengal asked the forestry department to find a way to stop elephants from swiping rum from their camp store. Bagdogra base officers said the elephants had figured out how to bridge electric fences with logs and use their trunks to hose out fires lit to keep them away from the liquor. ==== ####===================================================================#### BY THE BALLS OF BROW ####===================================================================#### [Here's the info you've all been waiting for. Snatch them up before they're all gone.] Date: Thu, 16 Jan 92 00:28:57 CST From: "Reverend John" Oh OTISian faithful.... Are ye saved? Are ye lost? Are ye confused? Do the names which swirl about each issue of PURPS drive you to drink? Then fear not. You are on the right path. To help you along that path, material from the first twenty issues of PURPS has been assembled in an EZ-2-Read paper format. It's 8.5" by 14", not folded, just stapled so you get big floppy pages that looks cool on your coffee table or when hawked from soap boxes on street corners. 26 pages jam-packed more or less with articles, stories, drinking games, and more. Lots of essential OTISian material on the basics of what's what and who's who that you probably haven't even guessed at. Lovingly compiled and hand-assembled by the Rev under his own Pagan Publishing, The Balls of Brow is available now for OTISian fun enhancement. Yow! To order: send the Rev $3 cash, check, money order, whatever, as follows... Pagan Publishing c/o Rev. John Tynes 1409 Wilson Ave. Columbia, MO 65201 Make checks/MO's payable to Rev. John Tynes By The Balls Of Brow is just what you need to make sense of all this silliness. Act quick...and wear your tin foil. ####===================================================================#### FREUD ON SEUSS ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 26 Dec 1991 14:53 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: Humor - Freud on Seuss Freud on Seuss a book review by Josh LeBeau (copied from the Koala, UCSD's humour newspaper, which has no copyright notices in it anywhere) _The Cat in the Hat_ by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably _Green Eggs and Ham_, _If I Ran the Zoo_, and _Why Can't I Shower With Mommy?_ In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality. The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!" After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lacteal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle. Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self. The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order. With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent. ####===================================================================#### RUM CAKE ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 26 Dec 1991 14:55 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: A rum cake recipe for the post-holidays ----- Begin Included Message ----- With the holiday season upon us, I'm sure someone will wish to make a rumcake, so herewith is the annual rumcake recipe. Those who have this on file from last year please delete and forgive the duplication. ... BEST EVER RUM CAKE 1 or 2 quarts Rum Baking Powder 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 1 tsp sugar Lemon juice 1 cup dried fruit Brown sugar Nuts Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the Rum again. It must be just right. To be sure Rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of Rum into a glass, and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electricc mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the Rum is of the fines quality. Try another cup. Open second Quart if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit, and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Rum again, checcking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). Sample the Rum again. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix wel. Grease over the turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess int the coven and ake. Check the Rum again, and bo to ged. ####===================================================================#### SAFE FAX ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 26 Dec 1991 14:54 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: A guide to safe fax From: Grant Hogarth GUIDE TO SAFE FAX Q DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX? A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day. Q. MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTY-ONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX? A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure. Q. IF I FAX SOMETHING TO MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND? A. Certainly not, as far as we can see. Q. THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX. IS THIS LEGAL? A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs to fax become too great. Q. SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING? A. Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax. Q. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX PREMATURELY? A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over; most people won't mind if you try again. Q. I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXED UP? A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to. ####===================================================================#### RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS ####===================================================================#### From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: Guerilla Goodness!! This is really nice - fitting for the holidays. Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1991 11:58:42 PST From: Grant Hogarth Subject: GOOD NEWS: Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty Just when you thought the world was going down the drain for the last time.... ----- Begin Included Message ---- PRACTICE RANDOM KINDNESS AND SENSELESS ACTS OF BEAUTY It's a crisp winter day in San Francisco. A woman in a red Honda, Christmas presents piled in the back, drives up to the Bay Bridge tollbooth. "I'm paying for myself, and for the six cars behind me," she says with a smile, handing over seven commuter tickets. One after another, the next six drivers arrive at the tollbooth, dollars in hand, only to be told, "Some lady up ahead already paid your fare. Have a nice day." The woman in the Honda, it turned out, had read something on an index card taped to a friend's refrigerator: "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty." The phrase seemed to leap out at her, and she copied it down. Judy Foreman spotted the same phrase spray-painted on a warehouse wall a hundred miles from her home. When it stayed on her mind for days, she gave up and drove all the way back to copy it down. "I thought it was incredibly beautiful," she said explaining why she's taken to writing it at the bottom of all her letters, "like a message from above." Her husband, Frank, liked the phrase so much that he put it up on the wall for his seventh graders, one of whom was the daughter of a local columnist. The columnist put it in the paper, admitting that though she liked it, she didn't know where it came from [sic] or what it really meant. Two days later, she heard from Anne Herbert. Tall, blonde, and forty, Herbert lives in Marin, one of the country's ten richest counties, where she house-sits, takes odd-jobs, and gets by. It was in a Sausalito restaurant that Herbert jotted the phrase down on a paper place mat, after turning it around in her mind for days. "That's wonderful!" a man sitting nearby said, and copied it down carefully on his own placemat. "Here's the idea," Herbert says. "anything you think there should be more of, do it randomly." Her own fantasies include: (1) breaking into depressing-looking schools to paint the classrooms, (2) leaving hot meals on kitchen tables in the poor parts of town, (3) slipping money into a proud old woman's purse. Says Herbert, "kindness can build on itself as much as violence can." Now the phrase is spreading, on bumper stickers, on walls, at the bottom of letters and business cards. And as it spreads, so does a vision of guerrilla goodness. In Portland, Oregon, a man might plunk a coin into a stranger's meter just in time. In Patterson, New Jersey, a dozen people with pails and mops and tulip bulbs might descend on a run-down house and clean it from top to bottom while the frail elderly owners look on, dazed and smiling. In Chicago, a teenage boy may be shoveling off the driveway when the impulse strikes. "What the hell, nobody's looking", he thinks, and shovels the neighbor's driveway, too. It's positive anarchy, disorder, a sweet disturbance. A woman in Boston writes "Merry Christmas!" to the tellers on the back of her checks. A man in St. Louis, whose car has just been rear-ended by a young woman, waves her away, saying, "It's a scratch. Don't Worry." Senseless acts of beauty spread: A man plants daffodils along the roadway, his shirt billowing in the breeze from passing cars. In Seattle, a man appoints himself a one man vigilante sanitation service and roams the concrete hills collecting litter in a supermarket cart. In Atlanta, a man scrubs graffiti from a green park bench. They say you can't smile without cheering yourself up a little -- likewise, you can't commit a random act of kindness without feeling as if your own troubles have been lightened if only because the world has become a slightly better place. And you can't be a recipient without feeling a shock, a pleasant jolt. If you were one of those rush-hour drivers who found your bridge fare paid, who knows what you might have been inspired to do for someone else later? Wave someone on in the intersection? Smile at a tired clerk? Or something larger, greater? Like all revolutions, guerrilla goodness begins slowly, with a single act. Let it be yours. ####===================================================================#### HAL'S BIRTHDAY ####===================================================================#### Date: Sun, 12 Jan 1992 07:33:45 -0600 From: Mick Souder Subject: HAL's birthday Today HAL of 2001 fame is born in Urbana, Ill. Let's all sing Daisy, Daisy.......... ####===================================================================#### VENDING MACHINES ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1991 21:42 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: Murphy's Laws of Vending Machines Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1991 10:52:00 EST From: SV643146I@LIUVAX.BITNET Subject: Joke du Jour There are Murphy's Laws for everything, right? Well, where I go to school there are vending machines from hell. These machines have prompted me to come up with my own laws that govern vending machines: STACI'S VERSION OF MURPHY'S LAWS FOR VENDING MACHINES The Sorry-No-Change Law: When the 'Use Exact Change Only' light is lit you will have 3 quarters for a 55 cent product. The 'There it goes!' Law: When you have the exact amount, you will drop a coin and helplessly watch it roll under the machine to be lost forever. The First Law of Wanting: The person at the machine will take the last one of 'Just what you wanted'. Corollary: The machine will be refilled with nothing you wanted. The Second Law of Wanting: The machine with 'Just what you wanted' will be out of order. The Law of Machine Feeding: The machine will malfunction and eat your money. The Law of Mis-hits: You will hit the wrong selection and end up with 'Turnip paste filled wheat crackers...with nuts'. The Fizzy Law: You will be the first to discover the soda machine has no cups. McGill's Inverse Fragility Law: The most delicate products in the machine will placed so as to fall the furthest when selected to ensure being crushed into inedibility. The So-Close-And-Yet-So-Far Law (3rd Law of Wanting): The last product of 'Just what you wanted' will jam in the machine. --- ####===================================================================#### MORE FROM THE AMAZING WORLD OF SPODE ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1991 21:43 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: Some miscellaneous jokes I was sent recently... Comments: Originally-From: "Pradeep Singh, 508-493-7246, DTN: 223-7246 26-Nov-1991 1332" [forwards removed] I heard this on _Comic Strip Live_ last night... So they're building this tunnel between France and England. England drives on the left side of the road. France drives on the right side of the road. That's going to be one busy lane!!!! = = = = = = = "Hit and run means never having to say you're sorry" --- "Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie. --- It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a common computer protocol occurred in the Old Testament. This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea... = = = = = = = I have truncated and I can't round up! = = = = = = = N O T I C E If you notice this notice, you will notice after noticing this notice that this notice is not worth noticing. = = = = = = = Garrison Keillor told this on A Prairie Home Companion this past weekend. Jesus, Joseph and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?" "No," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer." = = = = = = = "When you're young, you ask your father all kinds of questions because you think he has some special kind of Dad knowledge. Later you realize that all he really knows is how to have sex with your mother." -- Comedian Jake Johansen = = = = = = = Heard on Paul Harvey News on 6/20/91: George Bush is jogging again. He has to. Sununu has the car. = = = = = = = What do you get when you merge IBM and Apple Blueberry Macs I been moved to the orchard 370 Desktop release 7.0 mass market mainframes for the rest of us = = = = = = = >From a local newspaper story: A riddle making the rounds in Cuba: "What is a sardine?" Answer: "A whale after thirty years of revolution." = = = = = = = Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations? Jeff Sauder Johns Hopkins University = = = = = = = Do you know what you call a beat-up Ragedy Andy doll lying face down in a pile of rocks? A Dirty Cotton Rock Sucker. = = = = = = = Came up with by a group of friends at dinner recently: What is a politically correct term for men? Vaginally disabled. ####===================================================================#### AND STILL MORE ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1991 21:55 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: more... South China Morning Post - 11 November 1991 _Australian brothel 'to provide training'_ CANBERRA: Australian tax authorities have told a South Australian brothel it must provide training for employees or face taxation penalties. The requirement, revealed yesterday by the federal opposition, relates to a scheme which provides that employers with an annual payroll of more than A$214,000 (HK$1.3 million) [US$167,000] must spend a minimum of one per cent of that on training. Opposition trade spokesman Mr. Alexander Downer said: "Naturally, all of us are wondering what sort of training programmes the Australian Taxation Office has in mind." [stuff deleted] Prostitution is illegal in most states in Australia, including South Australia. -Reuter- ========== South China Morning Post - 8 November 1991 _In Brief - Rabat Tragedy_ RABAT: Ten people in Morocco were crushed to death and seven hurt when about 2,000 families packed into a mausoleum to watch the circumcision of their sons. ========== South China Morning Post - 21 October 1991 _Fondler Fined_ SINGAPORE: An Australian tourist was fined S$700 (HK$3,306) [US$424] for touching the buttocks of a stewardess on board a Singapore Airlines flight. Arnold Victor Crawford, 29, a welder, pleaded guilty to outraging the modesty of the 18-year-old stewardess. ######## Don't get me wrong. I fully approve of the fine. But does anyone else think that "outraging the modesty" is a bit silly for a criminal/civil offense to be called? ========== South China Morning Post - 29 October 1991 _Safe Sex Service_ PARIS: First pizzas, now condoms - a Paris company has started offering home deliveries of rubber contraceptives. SOS-Preservatifs will deliver condoms from 4 pm to 3 am. -Agencies- +++++ Hmmm - does anyone remember Dr. Whoopee, from the Doonesbury comic strip? -Spode ========== South China Morning Post - 4 November 1991 _Anger over TV's 'sex hypnotism'_ TOKYO: A Japanese television station was flooded with calls from angry viewers who said their daughters had fainted after being sexually hypnotised by a late night show, the _Mainichi Daily News_ reported yesterday. The programme featured an "adult video director" who hypnotised nine young women by telling them to imagine their favourite sexual positions, according to the daily. Officials of Nippon Television Network, which broadcast the show on Friday night, were not available for comment. Following the show the television station's phones were jammed with 100 calls from incensed viewers. One man rushed to his daughter's room when he heard a noise and found her unconscious and foaming at the mouth with her clothes in shreds, the paper said. "It's inexcusable to broadcast on public airways a programme that shows obscene group hypnotism without even explaining to the viewers the method of undoing the hypnotism," the man reportedly said. _United Press International_ ####===================================================================#### FINAL EXIT ####===================================================================#### Date: 14 Jan 92 00:13:00 EST From: "MICHAEL S DOW" Subject: With a brief preface, you can chop these bits up and put them into Purps. Frankly, they are too long to run all together, I think. [Other two parts in a later Purps. This one is getting a tad big.] About two years ago, I was attempting to get submissions for a magazine called the Owl Creek Journal on the subject of death. In attempt to generate interest, I placed ads which read in part "Kill Your Roommate, and then write us about it." This was, of course, a joke. Some people, however, were offended. They contended that not only was the joke offensive in particular because it wasn't very good (you decide for yourself) but also in general, that jokes about death were tasteless, because death is a very serious and traumatic subject and therefore should not be taken lightly. My response, then as now, was: Bullshit. Death is a very grim, serious, dare I say morbid?, subject. It is also an inevitable part of every life. As Jim Morrisson put it, "No one here gets out alive." All the more reason, in my opinion, to make jokes about it. I say this now, because I'm sure that someone will be very upset by the following joke. I'm sure that OTISians can take this in stride, but for those of you who aren't, I'm not sorry I made these jokes and you'll just have to deal with them. -Grinnin Foole Many of you have no doubt noticed the great commotion surrounding the new book, FINAL EXIT, a practical guide to suicide for the terminally ill. It has raised a storm of controversy over many legal and moral issues. I, however, am dissatisfied with the book for an entirely different reason; namely, it does not address the needs of the truly desperate and hopeless, the ones who REALLY need, and are desperately look for, a FINAL EXIT, TOO: Imagine that are forced by a horrible disease to come out only at night, to avoid the sun because even a few minutes exposure can kill you. Imagine that you may even have to regularly bury yourself for your own safety. Imagine further that this horrible illness completely destroys your appetite, and you must get all nourishment from some rather impromptu blood transfusions. Imagine that this disease so transforms you that you are cut off from all friends and loved ones. Imagine, worst of all, that even the simplest statement on your part causes others to burst into uncontrollable laughter, because you have these damn four inch fangs which make you sound ridiculous. Imagine, in short, that you are a vampire (or "wehmpire" as you so amusingly put it.) A merciful chance to end it all with a little "hooman digni-ee"(as you persist in saying it) and compassion must seem a god-send. The practical details, however, are a bit tricky. Practically speaking, there are three options open to you: immolation, either in a large fire or full daylight, immersion in running water, or staking yourself. Of these options, staking yourself is the worst. Driving a stake through your own heart can be a very painful and traumatic experience in its own right, and since you will only be "dead" so long as the stake remains in place (and anyone who has seen those old Dracula movies knows that sooner or later someone WILL remove it, if only to get your by-then-a-valuable-antique Grateful Dead t-shirt.) Staking yourself is too hellish an experience to want to go through more than once (although you vampire types are supposed to be into really symbolic sex/violence stuff like that.) The large fire/blazing sunlight options are also worth avoiding. Few people mention it (at least, not in polite company), but vampire bien cuite really smells revolting. Plus, if you think staking yourself hurts, it's nothing compared to STEAKING yourself. The best option is running water. You just painlessly dissolve away into nothingness, rather a similar sensation to the Roman custom of slitting one's wrists in the bath. In fact, all you need is a good shower. Note, however, that you will leave a distinct "ring" around the tub, so have plenty of cleanser on hand. Also, try and melt yourself in an area with good sewage treatment plants. ####===================================================================#### AND STILL MORE FROM THE LAND OF SPODE ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1991 22:00 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: last bit for the day... Merry Christmas!: _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 10 December 1991 _Red-hooded male seeks partners for travel and fun__ The Wan Chai office of law firm Hughes-Castell has been asked by an anonymous North Pole businessman to do some recruitment. The lawyers have obediently taken out the following ad in the _Law Gazette_: - Our Client, a larger-than-life, jolly, red-clad entrepreneur, constantly in breach of international air space law, requires assistants to help in the following areas: - Insurance: A specialist is required to sort out collision claims between Concorde and four reindeer. - Construction: Strong negotiation skills required to effect settlements with irate homeowners over damage to roofs and chimneys. - Partner Designate: A fine balancing act. Requires ability to sit at the top of the tree in an attractive tutu with a fixed smile. - Locum Position: For holiday season only, based in Lapland. Multi-lingual assistant to carry out a mixed bag. Must have an affinity with children and the ability to decipher difficult instructions. - Finance: To negotiate terms of major new sleighport and associated projects. Able to talk turkey. Specific experience in grotto financing an advantage. - Employment: To deal with unseasonable dismissals in relation to sexual harassment under the mistletoe. - Conveyancer: To convey glad tidings of great joy. ********************************************************************* _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 13 December 1991 _Santa's Clause_ Remember that joke ad featured on this page on Tuesday in which Hongkong firm Hughes-Castell advertised for lawyers to help an overweight "red-clad entrepreneur" over reindeer collision problems? "Several of the quicker members of the legal community have actually rung up to inquire about the positions," said the firm's Pia Dolan yesterday. "We have had to explain that we were joking." She could not help poking fun at local legal bigwigs: "In case the Law Society starts checking our qualifications, we are not lawyers. We are legal recruitment consultants. "However, I haven't checked the roll recently and we may have been admitted accidentally." ================= ================= South China Morning Post - 3 December 1991 _Santa Attacked_ WELLINGTON: Children kicked and swore at Santa Claus when he ran out of sweets and balloons, New Zealand's _Northern Advocate_ newspaper reported. A red-suited Mr. John Field said some adults also became rude and aggressive, asking: "Is this another government cut?" The Northland region, where the incident took place, has the country's highest unemployment rate. ================= and now - having nothing whatever to do with Christmas... South China Morning Post - 18 October 1991 _Squirrel Attack_ SACRAMENTO: A California man who hit his wife on the head with frozen squirrels was jailed on suspicion of spousal abuse. The wife of Kao Khae Saephan, 26, suffered a gash above her eye. ####===================================================================#### CHUTZPAH ####===================================================================#### [Boy everyone is doing the NOTW bit these days. I still have some more original NOTW bits from the Original NOTW person who hopefully by next Fall will be back on line somewhere. It seems that many alert OTISians are discovering the world is a truely weird place. Please keep sending these things along. They seem to be very popular.] Date: 16 Dec 91 00:05:00 EST From: "ANNALISA M VANHOOK" Subject: chutzpah Mal- Greetings and such. Here are some wonderful News of the Weird tidbits for you. My source is a Knoxville (TN) 'alternative-type-underground'-arts-n- entertainment publication. And it even comes from a section of the paper called, brace yourself......"News of the Weird." In May in Jacksonville, FL, a man tried to rob Charlie's Supermarket wearing a paper bag over his head to disguise his identity. However, the bag shifted, moving the eye holes, and in his nervousness he told the clerk, "Give me the register." The clerk sought clarification of the instructions, but the robber's voice was muffled because the mouth hole had also moved. The robber attempted to create another mouth hole, but the bag broke. The robber was revealed to be a regular customer whom the clerk knew as "Bob." Bob fled and has not been captured. The clerk could not be sure whether Bob had a gun or not because Bob had a paper bag over his hand, too. In June, Jim Black, 51, whose van was hit broadside by a speeding car in Chicago and rolled over, survived the crash but found himself hanging upside-down, suspended by his seatbelt. That's when he saw an arm reach through the window and take his wallet. In January, Jack McMorrow, 47, stopped by the offices of the Barberton, OH, police department to inquire whether there were any outstanding warrants for his arrest. An officer ran a check, discovered two, and promptly arrested McMorrow. Brain Siegle, 18, shot himself in the left shoulder with a .22 caliber pistol in Newark, OH, in July. At first he told investigating police he was the victim of a drive-by shooting, but later admitted that he had inflicted the gunshot wound himself because he "wanted to see how it felt." Isn't it comforting to know that there are people incompetent enough to do such ridiculously stoooooopid things? hail Otis! hail Lotus! hail Rotus! hail Spode! hail Archbishop Chad! -St. Annalisa, Saint of Tetris ####===================================================================#### GOOD GRIEF STILL MORE! ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1991 22:27 HKT From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" Subject: more! more! more! South China Morning Post - 8 October 1991 _In Brief_ How to succeed in the acting business without really trying? Here's a little tip from Sylvester Stallone: Be creative on your resume. "That's very important; you must lie," the actor told a group of drama students at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. +++++++++++++++++++++ _Newsweek_ - 21 October 1991 - p.9 _Overheard_ "What, not more? Too Bad." -Franz Wilhelm Schmidt of Bremerhaven, Germany, upon being told that Hitler's concentration camps exterminated some 500,000 Gypsies. +++++++++++++++++++++ From: Barry Gorman Subject: Parrot story from today's paper To: manohar kanuri The Guardian Tuesday October 1st --------------------------- This dead parrot is difunto --------------------------- John Hooper in Madrid --------------------------- A question left hanging by John Cleese - what is the value of a dead parrot? - has finally been answered by a Barcelona judge. His honour Antonio Nun^io de la Rosa has ruled that a dead parrot is worth 150,000 pesetas (815 pounds). He was awarding damages to Maria del Carmen Dotras, whose parrot (male, green) died, passed away, turned moribund, ceased to exist and, in short, became defunct two years ago in the city's Vall d'Hebron hospital. Ms dotras, who lives with her mother, had owned the bird for 23 years, since she was 12. Her family doctor suspected the parrot might be the cause of an allergy her mother had developed. He wanted it to have a blood test, and told her it would be better done by a doctor that a vet. This proved not to be the case. According to Ms Dotras, the doctors virtually suffocated the bird by putting a towel over its head, and took out six times as much blood as they were told to. Eventually, a consultant ordered it to be put out of its misery. Ms Dotras put the dead bird in the freezer, to facilitate an autopsy. In fact, the deep freezing made it impossible to determine the cause of death. But, as Judge Nun^io de la Rosa observed in judgement - passages which might have come from a Monty Python script: "The parrot has deceased, and cannot be revived." He decided the hospital authorities and the doctor responsible should pay the sum equivalent to a new bird. He dismissed Ms Dotras claim for damages of one million pesetas. This had been based, in part, on the argument that her parrot could talk. Drawing a fine distinction that will be of assistance in future, similar cases, the judge ruled that it merely "articulated sounds similar to those of people." If the parrot had been able to talk, he reasoned, "it would have complained". +++++++++++++++++++++ _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 November 1991 _Tape-maker has latest export wrapped up_ Builders in Hongkong have ordered more than 120 kilometres of wrapping tape from Arnhold and Co., the territory's distributor of super-strong Denso tape. Is it to wrap a corporate Christmas gift for us? No. The tape will be used in Hongkong's wonderfully named Effluent Export Scheme. This is a welcome wheeze to send millions of gallons of Hongkong sewage away from urban areas through a giant pipe. The pipe will be wrapped in $1.8 million [US$231,000] worth of UK-made Denso tape by contractors Franki Kier. One would think that the tape would be needed to keep the noxious substances in the pipe. But in fact the seabed around Hongkong is so polluted that the tape is needed to protect the pipe and its contents from "highly toxic chemicals in the soil", according to Arnhold. [remainder deleted] +++++++++++++++++++++ Reading for your breathing exercises? Alright, now Inhale! Gag! Inhale! ####===================================================================#### A RUMOR OF DEAD STATESMEN ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 11 Jan 1992 10:53:54 EST Reply-To: "Mass comm. and new technologies" From: Elliott Parker <3ZLUFUR@CMUVM.CSV.CMICH.EDU> Subject: Risk of speedy communications From Risks Forum, 10 Jan 92: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 10 Jan 92 9:33:56 PST From: "Peter G. Neumann" Subject: CNN Nearly Reported Bush Death, due to rapidly shared computer data The AP reported from Atlanta 09Jan91 that CNN Headline News came within seconds of reporting that President Bush had died at the banquet in Japan at which he had collapsed from stomach flu on 8Jan92. A caller identifying himself as Bush's doctor had telephoned CNN about three hours after Bush's collapse, and said the president was dead. CNN and Headline News are two floors apart but use the same newsroom computer system. A staff member had typed the telephoned report into the computer. CNN executives had determined almost immediately that the report was a fake and pulled it from the computer file. But downstairs at Headline News, it had already been seen on the screen and was nearly broadcast. CNN Headline News anchorman Don Harrison started to read the report on the air at 9:45 a.m. EST during coverage of Bush's collapse, when he was alerted in midsentence by another staff member, said CNN spokesman Steve Haworth. The alleged caller, James Edward Smith, 71, left his number with CNN and was traced to Idaho, where he was arrested and later put in a mental hospital. [Starkly abridged by PGN] ####===================================================================#### STUMPY SPEAKS ####===================================================================#### [Yes that little mystical brown bear is still at it. She's alive and well and still pregnant with child. Just we here at SBI have been neglecting our duties towards here fiercely, which could explain our computer problems.] From: MAL@socpsy.sci.fau.edu Date: 11 Dec 91 13:48:43 EDT Subject: Stumpy's Xmas safety tip. Stumpy has revealed to me today that it's VERY important to orient the star at the top of your Christmas tree correctly. Usually the Star contains metal which is effected by the earth's magnetic field. If this star is oriented wrong the magnetic field will cause the tree to tip over because of the magnetic pull. In order to fix this problem, you need to orient the star so the narrowest portion of it faces toward magnetic north. Not true north, but magnetic. You'll need a compass to do this. By facing the narrowest side not the star will essentially become "streamlined" in the magnetic field and thus be less likely to be influenced by it. ####===================================================================#### SCIENCE FACTS ####===================================================================#### [More stuff from an amazingly fertile mind.] Date: Sun, 15 Dec 91 14:54:53 EST From: eap@eta.pha.jhu.edu (Ed Pier) Ed's Fun Science Fact #1 Everyone has heard of the Tibetan monks who through years of practice learn to double-stop, that is sing two notes at once, but very few have heard of a more obscure group who achieve enlightenment by humming in a different way. These monks live austere lives rarely moving, eating only enough to sustain themselves and humming continuously stopping only to draw in breath or nourishment. The purpose of this seemingly strange behavior is to practice singing the exact resonant frequency of one's own head. Those who have found the resonating frequency of rooms or small containers may find it odd that these monks need to devote their lives to what seems a simple task, however it is an exact resonance that these monks seek to achieve, accurate to the last decimal place. This is no minor achievement. After years of devotion, often doing without sleep for weeks at a time in their quest for the perfect note, sometimes passing through the correct several times before it can be sustained long enough, the moment arrives when the resonant vibrations within a monk's head grow stronger and stronger until at the climactic moment his head explodes and he passes into enlightenment. People who wish to join the order are given the task of carrying food and cleaning up. Ed's fun Science Fact #2 Galeleo was the first man to turn a telescope skyward and discover that the heavens had blemishes. The Moon's face was cratered with acne, Saturn had jug handles (later determined to be the ring which we associate the planet with today) and the giant planet Jupiter was attended by for smaller objects buzzing around its head (the four largest "Galelean" moons of that planet) and there, on its face was a tiny smudge. As the science of astronomy progressed this smudge turned out not to be tiny at all but a swirling maelstrom large enough to swallow several earths. This permanent weather formation quickly became known as The Great Red Spot. As the first Voyager space-craft made its pass by Jupiter thrilling scientists with its close-up photographs of the the angry eye of the Great Red Spot, nature lovers in the northern parts of the United States were treated with a more familiar beauty - that of the yearly Autumn foliage. It is strange to think that such widely separated and wildly different phenomena could be in any way related, but this in fact they are. A tree's photosynthetic factories are no longer an asset in the winter when cold temperature would badly damage such a delicate and exposed thing as a leaf, therefore as the cold months approach, a barrier forms across the tiny capillaries which supply the leaves with nutrients from the roots and the leaves slowly begin to die. First the green chlorophyll, no longer needed, fades to reveal the yellow carotine which it has masked all summer. Then, left on its own, chemically strange things begin to happen in the leaf. The sugars which heretofore stored energy and nourished the cells begin to transform into a variety of organic compounds which together form the striking red colors typical of Acer sucrum, the sugar maple. Now the striking fact discovered by the spectroscopes aboard the Voyager spacecraft is that the organic pigments which make up the menacing red of Jupiter's Great Red Spot are just the same as the ones cooked up within our terrestrial leaves every Autumn Ed's fun science fact #3 Everyone has heard that moss grows on the north side of trees. Theoretically, this makes perfect sense, as in the northern temperate zone the sun is always to the south, and moss would prefer the cooler, moister, shaded, northern side of a tree to the direct sunlight on the to the south. In reality there are many other factors, such as the shade of other nearby trees, which make this bit of wisdom nearly useless as a direction indicator. If Hariet Tubman and other slaves escaping to freedom before the Civil War would surely have become hopelessly lost if they did not have other ways to sense direction. Most people have also heard of the protozoans which only swim to the north. Their single cells contain minute iron filings which align the microscopic creatures' bodies with the earth's magnetic field. A would-be biological circus trainer could cause them to dance about a microscope slide to his will by simply waving a magnet. The reason that these microbial Hariet Tubman proteges have such an internal compass is that the desire the same conditions as the fabled north-seeking moss. In the northern hemisphere the earth's magnetic field lines slant downwards meeting each other at the center of the earth, converging along the north magnetic pole. It is not north that these protozoans are seeking, but the dark comfort of muddy pond bottoms. Even without a microscope or a mossy tree at hand many people are quite confident of their sense of direction. Indeed when people are placed in a featureless room, devoid of direction cues from the sun or terrain, they are able to correctly identify which way is north a statistically significant number of times. Startlingly it turns out that people, just like those distant microscopic cousins, have compasses in their noses. Tiny pieces of iron detect the earth's magnetic field and give people a vague sense of north. As Ms. Tubman sought safety in the northern free states, tiny protozoans seek safety in pond bottoms, both using much the same internal mechanism. ####===================================================================#### THE ARCHBISHOP SPEAKS ####===================================================================#### Date: 10 Jan 92 11:32:00 EST From: Wombat Subject: material Dunno what you might use this for exactly, but call it a submission. From the arch-bishop to the wombat. From: VAX001::HESSOUN "Rational romantic mystic cynical idealist" 16-DEC -1991 23:28:18.50 To: VAX001::HILLV CC: Subj: FRAUD?!?!?! When are you not on this infernal machine? Every time I log on, HILLV is on the user list. GET A LIFE!!! As for this obviously herectical statement about OTIS, take it up with the deacon of cluelessness. I mean, what do you want? OTIS Light to go with your Catholic Light? OTIS is non-fat, low-cal, low cholesterol, low sodium, religion at its finest. In fact, those California health nuts are jumping all over it. Don't miss you chance to jump on the band wagon!! Join Now!! Renew Your Vows!! It's never too late to come back!! OTIS SAVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Just ask the Pope, Jeffe I) Incidentally, we're thinking of throwing that expatriate Pope a party for his birthday, towards the beginning of that second month of the year. Bless you my child. [that'll be $19.95 at the window for your official archbishop's blessing. thank you, and stop by again sometime. Thank you for your support, or lack thereof.] -cHAD ####===================================================================#### JIGSAW NIGHT PART III ####===================================================================#### [Don't worry. This *is* part III. It's got the work Jigsaw in the title after all.] FROM: Pope Jephe I Jigsaw in the Night, Part 3 The four watched in silence as the corpse tumbled out of the third story window to land with a dull crunch in the dust. The action was followed by a flurry of automatic fire, nowhere near where they had bedded themselves down. "WARNING," called a voice in loud, clear, unpunctuated English a few moments later. "It's not," said Keith Baxter to the solider beside him, " really Company policy to get involved in disputes of this sort." It was like that awful joke: what's black and white and red all over... "You're more than welcome to watch from a safe distance. Just please wait with us until reinforcements arrive." Another solider who had been talking into a handheld radio put it down and said something in Hebrew. A newspaper? No, a nun falling down the stairs. "Make that wait here. Intifada riots in the city, we've been told to solve this on our own." A curt response in Hebrew. Or a monk in a monastery somewhere in what used to be Palestine, shot in the head by someone who still considered himself a Palestinian because his brothers decided to harboring an Israeli solider wounded in a local fight, and, less forgivable, consciously denying aid to a Palestinian civilian. So here he sat, did Baxter, an Agency field operative ("join the CIA and travel to distant and dreary hellholes of the universe, meet sick twisted angry sons of bitches and die or kill for them before they kill you, depending on fluctuating US policy"), in the middle of the West Bank, with two IDF soldiers (one Jewish, one Druze), someone who he assumed was Mossad, and someone else he didn't' particularly want to know who was He had (hadn't you. Baxter ol' boy?) been swapping intelligence techniques in a demented sort of "classroom laboratory", until, that is they'd run in to this little pickle. A fine mess, indeed, though Baxter, but why then, oh Baxter are you smiling. "You didn't," said Keith Baxter, "let me finish. Look there are four of us here, and as far as we can guess, only three in there. Heavily armed, I'll grant you, but probably acting on their own, hardly organized PLO material they or following organized PLO policy... In short, gentlemen. we have a chance. Come at them three in the front (spread out a little), and one from the back (me), as the front three draw fire. With any luck, I'll be able to bump 'em off. If not, I'll smoke 'em out. Gentlemen, I see a promotion in this for all of us. Sound good?" "Then cover me," said Keith Baxter and was on the move almost before the bullets started. First floor, underwear, socks, garters, women's undergarments, unprepared weenie keeping the rear guarded. Guarding the rear, good idea, putting someone competent here, would have been a better idea. Definitely not professionals. Now the where'd I put that knife? Second floor, sporting goods, dying monk (tried to garrote the invaders with his thrice knitted belt, perhaps), leatherware, and...noo badies. A close report, and something whizzed by Baxter's ear. Baxter dropped and rolled and got off a good shot up the stairs and through the open door. Correction: One baddie, almost one lucky baddie. And now they know I'm coming. Baxter leapt up the stairs. Third floor (smoke grenade, hit the ground), raincoats, household appliance, angry, tearful Palestinian (mark where he is, look like they hit this one in the arm, doge his fire), several hostage monks reconsiderer the Palestinian problem, can you really expect people to be nice when you take away their country (fire, fire, fire, at what we hope is still a gunman and not a monk)? Missed. Not so fast, you are Baxter's promotion, Bozo, his key to a desk job, his gold star. Oooph! Fists, huh? Why not give up? You're beat. Ooph. James makes this look so easy in the films. All right, no more mister nice CIA operative. One: that $1.99 bandanna is obviously shielding you from the teargas almost as well as my IDF issue mask. It goes. Success! Two: I don't like fighting on equal term, but (ooph! less cockiness, Baxter, more action)... Crack! Well, to hell with it, there goes one of your ribs. Three: Ah. No need for steps three and four. Jesus, thinks an exhausted Baxter smiling through the yellow fog at teary-eyed Monks, I had better get my damn promotion. ####===================================================================#### MORE WEIRD NEWS ####===================================================================#### [Note: these were submitted to us by mail. These are taking out of a regular old newspaper. Alert OTIS Shark has been prowling the papers looking for neat stuff for us.] From: Shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu Death Ruled accident Bakersfield, Calif. --AP-- the death of a tourist crushed by a windblown umbrella from a display set up by artist Christo was formally ruled an accident by the Kern Country coroner's office. Lorie Keevil-Mathews, 33, was killed when wind uprooted a 20-foot umbrella in Tejon Pass, where the Bulgarian artist Christo had unfurled 1,760 yellow umbrellas. Charges dropped in case of missing videotape ---- Reno, Nev. --AP-- Charges were dropped against a woman arrested for allegedly failing to return a rented movie videotape. "I didn't want to go this far with this, but I as prepared to go to trial, " Noelle Lester said tuesday. "I had witnesses lined up.' Lest was arrested after a deputy pulled her over for a burned-out headlight. A check revealed an outstanding warrant for failing to return a video tape rented two years ago. "I had to lave my children on the side of the road with a sheriff's deputy while the other one took me to jail. That hurt," she said. She said the was never told about the arrest, and insisted that she had rented the tape. Lest was notified Tuesday by the District Attorney's Office that the charges had been dropped. ####===================================================================#### THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ####===================================================================####