***** ****** **** ** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ** ** ** ** The Summer Version of ***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ****** **** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** Yep looks the same but it ain't ================================================================ THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 27 ================================================================ "South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 =========================================================================== INTRO =========================================================================== Welcome to the hardcore Otis issue. This issue contains more Otis Dogma than you can shake a stick at. I suppose it's change of pace from the normal fair, but it should prove very interesting. This issue is also a tad shorter than it usually is. That's because it seems we are missing several stories from various authors for some reason. Also Steph, NOTW woman is off line. So none of that stuff this time, except in small dose. This time around we have material directly from the Pope himself. The start of a story in fact. Next issue should see the beginnings of his official Papal column. This time around around we owe a special thanks to Dr. Simpson who's tireless research has once again born fruit. Scattered throughout this issue are a number of excerpts/blurbs/ and documents he was able to uncover in his researches. In the future hopefully there will be more. He sent me enough for almost a full issue of Purps. I figured I should try to pass this out in small doses since it's pretty heavy stuff. Submissions have been rather slow as of late. I need more. I need a lot more. We could also use more subscribers. If you have anyone you know of who would like to join up the list please let me know and I'll put them on. Be aware that the beginning of the school year is rapidly approaching. All those young fresh minds will be wandering around wondering what to do. GET THEM INVOLVED IN OTIS! Hook them for life! If you see a lonely bored freshman moping around campus, don't just ignore them. Step right up to them and hand them an issue of Purps. They'll thank you. (So will Otis too for that matter.) So sit back and brace yourselves to learn more about Otis and the Otisians than you normally would in 4 issues of Purps. =========================================================================== A STORY FROM THE POPE =========================================================================== [Yes it looks like the Pope will be back among us again. He's written me a letter or two about being back in Purps and I whole heartedly agree we need to hear from him. Hopefully from now on there will be bits of the Popes most divinely inspired wisdom in each and every Purps.] Jigsaw in the Night: Part 1 Pope Jeph I, 955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209, Cambridge MA 01239. In August, 1979, the two largest computerization projects in the history of the world were undertaken by the US government. The first was the mechanization of the national strategic air defense and missile command system and involved scrapping manned nuclear missile silos and radar stations in favor of a vast automated network of same controlled by a single megalithic computer. The idea was to eliminate the change of operator error and ensure a coordinated, massive retaliation should one become necessary. You probably know about that one. The centerpin of the second, less publicized project, was what would have been the world's largest database. The project itself was the massive overhaul, reorganization and computerization of the nation's intelligence agencies. The problem was simple. The CIA was not on speaking terms with the FBI. The FBI wouldn't give the NSC [Editors note: Should this be NSA?] the time of day. The NSC was rumored to be regularly sending hate mail and false crime leads to the Secret Service. The Secret Service had no respect for the DEA, and the DEA wouldn't give those bumbling bozos in Naval Intelligence... well, you get the idea. This mutual distrust, it was assumed, grew from a long history of independent operation, and it's most important result was filing systems. The CIA had the best by far, with the FBI's coming in a close second, but, despite a half-hearted attempt to computerize, the Army Intelligence system was a shambles, and the DEA was working with what was properly called a "shoebox system". At any rate they were all different, which meant that valuable data that could have advance the aims of the NSC often remained hidden and virtually inaccessible in someone else's files. The solution, though the planners of the project, was to construct a giant super-computer and connect it to a network linking all the various intelligence agencies together (not unlike the one that the domestic law enforcement agencies were in the process of building). Into this machine would be typed, in standardized from, all of the relevant information from the files of the different agencies. Then, barring certain restriction in the interest of national security, anyone on the network could have nearly instantaneous access to the combined file information from the entire US intelligence community. The existence of such a computer would have to be secret, of course, its funding passed quietly behind the taxpayers' backs, and security on the network would have to be "iron clad". Thus, in September 1979, Cray, Inc. entered into its first and only contract with a small, virtually unknown Japanese firm, information maintenance personal from the intelligence community arrived in their offices on Monday to find neatly typed notes on their desks to the effect that their required number of overtime hours for the next six years had been tripled, and a previously unheard of scientific study to "measure the effects of cow flatulence on the ozone layer" received a 310 million dollar grant from a congressional appropriates board. The plan turned out to be a remarkable success. By november of 1981, the planners could boast a room-size supercomputer, capable of almost 800,000 calculations a second, in which was stored nearly all the accumulated file data from all the agencies in the US intelligence network (as well as a good deal from allied organization in other countries). Nor was this data limited to mugshots and fingerprints. Other, sometimes only vaguely relevant, but always interesting, data was entered as well in the hope that it would eventually prove useful. Soviet military movements were the first to be graphed, charted, plotted and entered, but it wasn't too long before the ascension patterns of third world dictators were thrown in as well. Inexplicable bursts of radiation (presumed to be illegal above ground nuclear tests) were carefully record and entered fairly early as well. These lead to the careful tabulating of NASA data on mysteries object and wreckage found floating in space (could the Soviets have their own "Star Wars" agenda?). After that it seemed only logical to follow the suggestion that the Navy's Project Blue Book files (as well as the records of less well know UFO investigations) should be entered. Assassination data and terrorist activity (dating back to the 1800s) followed suit, and lead to the entry of data relating to mysterious disappearances of US military (and later Soviet, French and German military) aircraft, ships and personnel (could there be someone behind it?). Since the FBI was getting so many complaints, data on all "cult" activities of radical Christian groups, televangelicalists, the various Jewish councils, moderate Christian groups, and Islamic organizations. In the wake of the Vatican Bank scandal it was thought only appropriate to keep a close watch of the Papacy (data on organized crime has been entered from the onset), and soon data from all other bands was being carefully tabulated and entered as well. Soon information entry had snowballed completely out of control. When Andropov came to power, a massive scramble resulted to add in ANYTHING, relevant or not, about the Soviet Union, in the hopes that some explanation for the hurried changes in that state could be gleaned from the patterns that formed when the facts were cross-indexed, and you can just imagine the rush when President Regan made civilian spying legal again. In fact, no one batted an eyelash when, in 1983, all know Fortean data (frogs raining from the skies, lake monster sighting, ghosts, UFOs, etc.) dating back from the dawn of written history found it's way into the database, and not a single head rolled when a massive effort to establish a statistical correlation between the eating habits of the Russian czars and the reoccurring plague of locusts in China was uncovered. This may have been partially due to the data's indisputable evidence that the locusts hit their peak when the Russian dictator took to French pastry, and waned when they cut the fat out of their diets, but this fact alone seems a poor reason at best to continue the effort. One is tempted to speculate instead that the database had simply grown to large to be properly monitored or controlled. By March of 1984, the database had grown to 100 times its original size and yet was still in danger of becoming oversaturated. New information continued to pour in regardless, and at such a rate that the personnel in charge eof making backups resigned themselves to being several months and nearly seventy-five percent behind in their task. With the new links established to Interpol and UN computers no one was optimistic about catching up. The most common prayer at night was "God save us from a system crash". The cray, however, lived up to it's reputation, and with a mechanical heat pumping cooling liquid nitrogen through it's veins, at the very least it didn't seem probably that it would overhead. It was neither of these problems, however, that worried the project's planner. They had noticed far more disturbing trend. As the data was correlated and crossed indexed what could only be describe as "patterns" seemed to be forming in resulting charts and graphs. Very little was certain, mind you, but when one looked t all the statistics on the migratory habits of Monarch butterflies, and the popularity of mens' hair pieces, and the frequencies of armageddon threats by Russian dictators, one couldn't escape the nagging feeling that it "was all leading up to something". The question for the planners was obvious, what? And so it came to pass that in April of 1984 a low level programmer named Osmond Lind Iverson diligently typed the simple instruction whose sum was the most important question ever asked of machine by man into the project's megalithic computer, and, chomping on a ruben with russian dressing on a bagel, patiently awaited a response, When it arrived it was nothing but four simple initials: O. T. I. S. Four hours later Osmond Iverson was laying in a most unnatural position at the bottom of the Acheron river, falling utterly to be alive, the gigantic computer that has housed all the data know to US intelligence wand more was quietly and systematically erasing it's files, cleaning itself up and shutting itself down, and project "Rosebud" was officially terminated. End of Part One =========================================================================== CHANGE OF ADDRESS (Pope Jephe) =========================================================================== HEY YOU! Just so you know, the INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF FRUITCAKES, the first FULLY registered OTIS worshiping organization in existence and the promoters of the last TRUE FAITH on this pathetic little planet, has purchased a large office building in one of the plushest Boston neighborhoods (just a block away for the Old OTISian Papal Seat) and is living there now. OUR NEW ADDRESS IS: IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209, Cambridge, MA 02139 =========================================================================== HUMPY THE STUMPY BEAR SPEAKS =========================================================================== Revelations of Humpy the Stump Bear.... Alas Humpy the Stumpy Bear regrets her long absence from this most blessed and humble publication. The events of the resent weeks have left her a might shagged out. Realizing that her followers wish to hear words of wisdom from her, she has made a special effort to channel to me [Mal] various import bits and pieces of mystical wisdom and knowledge. "Success in the up coming presidential campaign can be had by listening to the backward masked messages on Village People Records." According to Stumpy, it seems that some how one of the Village People members stumbled across a mysterious occult figure in the restrooms of one of the clubs there were playing at. This figure, who as to this day goes unidentified, handed over to the village people member a curiously designed cassette tape, the casing of which appeared ot be old ivory, with the spindles being composed of a very hard wood. This tape contained important guide lines to the coming presidential campaign. The original tape itself disappeared promptly after the messages were backward masked onto Village People records. Toys for Tots... Stumpy says it's time for all loyal Otisian to put on thinking caps and come up with suggestions for toys for the divine children. These toys should be both educational and entertaining. They should also be of some Otisian theme so that the children will be able to use these toys to teach others. Otis Mass. needs visiting. Remember how most of the past elections, you could tell who would win by how New Hampshire would vote? According to Stumpy how Otis Mass. votes will determine if the Otisians will win or loose the election. We will need all your help in this up coming primary. Humpy suggests you send monetary donations to the Pope, who will be able to correctly distribute them to the campaign committee. Second, Stumpy suggests you pray. There's been a great lack of this during the past few hot months of summer. The lazy days of summer are no time to be slacking. In fact not at any time should you be slacking. {B-B is dead! Long live Otis...yeah and Stumpy too!} Third, Humpy the Stumpy Bear suggests that since many of our loyal Otisian followers have recently graduated and are looking for jobs and stuff, they might want to try to Otis Mass. After all, if loyal Otisian followers lived there they could help swing the vote. Stumpy, also feels it necessary to remind folks that since the Pope, has moved ot a new location, it is very appropriate to send house warming gifts, or letters of benevolence to the new address. This will serve two purposes. First, it will allow the Pope to be sure that mail can indeed reach his address and it will be able to arrive in the Niagara like flood he was used to having at his old address. Second, the Pope since he moved into such a huge place needs all the abode decorations and any household or office items he can get. With a place like his he can never have one too many cheese graters or lighted display pedestals. Break out that credit card and Sharper Image catalog and order the Pope a fancy new gift. Stumpy is also pleased to report that her efforts in weather control have succeeded so far this summer. The south Florida area has has little if any hurricanes this past summer, unlike last. Stumpy, being fairly new at this, was most pleased by this turn of events. She is still testing out her powers as it were for the coming of her Divine child. --Mal 1991 =========================================================================== OTIS IN THE NEWS (Dr. Simpson) =========================================================================== SOMERVILLE July 9 - Residents of this active Boston suburban neighborhood have recently banded together to fight a local cult. The Secret Order of Disciples of Otos Megas, an occult society that split from Freemasonry in the 1890's, has bombarded their walls and lamp-posts with posters and their telephones with pre-recorded messages. "We don't know why they targeted us," said Edward Plunkett, a computer programmer at MIT, "but we're good, wholesome, god-fearing citizens and we don't want our children exposed to this [material]." In response to the cult's harassment, the people of Somerville have formed "Somervillians Against the Pope." The Secret Order of Disciples of Otos Megas is controlled by a man known as "Pope Geoff II." "We're going to nail that [person] for obscenity." explained Plunkett. Several of the posters depict severed genitalia and some resident report that the telephone messages have encouraged children to engage in unnatural sexual acts with gerbils. The Secret Order of Disciples of Otos has declined to respond to the accusations. =========================================================================== THE REVIVAL =========================================================================== Date: Thu, 8 Aug 91 12:27:05 CDT From: Jeanne B Schreiter Subject: The REVival The night was slow, I admit to being hooked up to the secret computer (again.) Then it happened. I jumped up the stairs (Fairbourne, the Divine Child) didn't seem to mind too in fact, I think he knew something was happening. The Van stopped, slowing down, checking out the address. The lights faded, dimming the outer darkness with rings of celebrations. A Secret arrival. Even the Crusher's house (not Wesley, just the Wrestler, remember him) was dark.You know it had to be. I was reading the Reader's Digest on Digestibles. Or was it Lemon Bars. I made them last night, too. Just enough oomph to hit the spot. I walked cautiously out the front door when the van door opened, noiselessly. His height is what caught my eye, the voice and patterns I had etched into my memory wordlessly awakening me to the event. It was definitely, Pres. Elect Rev. Johnny Pagan. His eyes bore into mine. He never needed to ask a question. All was taken care of. His companions, I assumed they were the men I had felt that needed to travel this way. Blood and Custard overdrive. Stuck on 94, way past Chicago, levels on high, boiling past the city limits. It was a black Chuck drive. New ones for the occasion. He walked into the house. I never realized how tall he was. But I never felt short. Maybe silent, but never short. As the time crept slowly upon 0300 hours, I showed them a brief, but lengthy tour of the campsite, comfortable I had hoped. Definitely worth it. As all good meetings start, He handed me a book. Sharks, of course. Read it completely this morning at 0830 cover to cover complete with author bios. Justfacts. Planning on getting newer animals into the program. Security and defense must be up-2-date. Handed him the strawberry poptarts. Good brain food. Settled in. This morning, his most Reverend, asks me about Purps 26, which I confessed to have misplaced. Since that time..it is complete, there can be only one, Otis and Mal, my lips are gold and silver foil, aluminum elusive to radon gyros in tender cones of glass, blue of course. As the rain dripped down the compact car, the silent swelter of heat passing on the long road, the news of klein and chicago just faint light years away, bide you a merciful journey, and if you need a place to rest, well, the B & B house is not far from the lake. Its the oath, I keep, the child who is kicking in my womb, the news and the unnews, the knife that slices the dark, and the sleep that I'll never get. The time is now. At hand, we are, stomach stabs, HP Lovecraft whispers sweet bands of raspberry liquor and chocolate chip cookies into my sides, heaving. Otis, he is the one. And so I linger, my path, following the turn of events to happen in the next several days. I shelter the Rev, my hand placed over a sword, fight to protect, protect to save, along with Middle Aged history and wildlife biologists, rooted next to those who do not know, among the thousands of Gamers here for the events, those which only the know and cannot know, the oneness I feel to Otis, there can be only one. Alas I leave you with this news. And hopefully day-by-day events on the Rev Salvation campaign at Mecca. Stewy, got to get you a new butt, the super glue just isn't holding. If fact, all aside, (and for lesser known reasons other than, well never mind) Penthouse, issue August 91, cartoon somewhere, man with trophy of butt collections. Don't let this happen to you. shark (shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu ) =========================================================================== OTISIAN DIRECTORY (Pope Jephe) =========================================================================== [Please note the new address. You probably want to use than rather than the one mentioned below.] Below is an important announcement from the Pope Himself: HEY YOU! If you find Purps amusing, think how much more amusing it will become when you know the WHOLE STORY of OTIS and the IGHF. DO NOT WAIT! Get your hands on a copy of THE OTISian Directory TODAY! Long before I stared the Thunderbolt, this 53 page, 8 1/2 by 11" large, GBC bound magazine of the OTISian faith was already a legend in it's own time, winning the unadulterated praise of everyone from Mike Gunderloy to Margaret Thatcher. Chock FULL of valuable names and addresses of hand picked cranks and kooks and true geniuses putting out OTIS approved (and Papally reviews) publications, which are worth the price of the Directory ON THEIR OWN, this official publication of Pope Jephe, Preacher Tim, and the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes also incudes rants by Rodney Griffith, The Prime Minister of Livestock and Heavy Machinery, guest reviews of Purps' beloved current editor, MAL3, and many others, brief notes on the OTISian leap to the WHITE HOUSE in '92, an official Epistle from Preacher Tim (co-founder of the House), even ORIGINAL STORIES AND WORK from myself, Pope Jephe I, the current leader of the OTISian faith, and MORE, MORE, MORE! Purps is only HALF the truth! Learn the OTISian secrets you have bee MISSING, Send a crumpled up piece of paper with cut-out letters from newspapers and magazine spelling out "Send me my OTISian Directory or ELSE' (or whatever) along with ONLY THREE DOLLARS (checks to Jeff Stevens, please, or we have to burn them in an expensive secret ritual) IF YOU READ PURPS (three dollars and 50 cents if you don't, $7.50 if you don't read) to: The OTISian Directory, the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes, POB 235, Williamstown, MA 01267-0235. It's simply THE most enjoyable way to have your brain washed. Hmm guess I must have gotten the price wrong even though I quoted it out of the damn OD itself. Mal =========================================================================== BOOK QUOTE (Dr. Simpson) =========================================================================== "...Even the name itself is involved in some controversy. In Victorian times, they styled themselves 'The Secret Order of Disciples of Otos Megas'. In the twenties various spellings arose including "Ohtis, Outis, Otus, and Ottos'. When Adolph V changed the name of the Order, at least one temple succeeded over spelling...I will use the modern spellings of Otis and Otisian." [Chadwick, 1984, p.i] =========================================================================== QUOTES (Unknown) =========================================================================== Otis Otis Otis! Thou surely are the Mostus! The Jews may have the arc, but Otis has the Bowling Towel. =========================================================================== THE THREE MAGE OF OTIS AND GENCON =========================================================================== Date: Sun, 11 Aug 91 9:07:26 CDT From: Jeanne B Schreiter Subject: The Three Mage of Otis and GenCon [Stuff Deleted] Three Mage of Otis and GenCon (short for Geneva Convention) They came in a red van. The usual travel from distances afar. And the camels didn't escape. They were mentioned (although painfully.) Elvis was sighted in a restaurant on 27th Street, near the place modeled for Arnold's of Happy Days. A family restaurant. You know this all ties in. The Divine Child. Elvis. 5 years gestation time. Pope Georddegre. The Pres- Elect and his merry men. In the youngest ones fervor, his gentleness comes across like a newborn man in a sweet southern body. I hear the quiet twang come from his lips in sweet harmonies. I know he will travel far beyond the Middle Ages into his rich emerald and ruby dreams. The second is older and taller, much taller. His locks of brown fall gently over his brow, hiding the self for watching eyes, but if you search those pools of irises, the flowers are fresh and inviting, dancing mysteriously within. The third mage, elder of them, voice of deep resonance, cascading, bubbly waterfall, always aware of what trails before and after the lights in his chocolate pudding liquefied eyes. Three paths came, three stages of life, three breaths like moments of air, the sweep past my window on clear Milwaukee days, speaking in tongues of Cthulhu and Lovecraft, fire ice timeless crystals, each with his own gift to share. Today they shall leave me and travel back down the winding mass of highways, and although I am sad, I have enjoyed their company and the making of lemon bars, I will remember always this time. Make not light of the time within, cherish and treasure it, hearts unfold, people who pass by night and by day, children laugh with their parents, the trail moves forward. JB Schreiter =========================================================================== THE DIVINE CHILD IS BORN =========================================================================== Date: Sat, 10 Aug 91 22:37:56 CDT From: Jeanne B Schreiter Subject: The Birth The evening had wandered off and morning sun was seeping through the shades, or maybe I was falling asleep in my Rocky Road custard when it hit. Thw0ak. One of those sharp pains wracking my stomach. You have to know what this is like. It's equivalent to smashing your finger into the wall, or through a pane of glass, the pain shatters your senses, making you realize just how much alive the body is. I felt it. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor. The Rev was there though. A little pale. A little tired. Before this sudden melting pot of pain, I was rubbing his neck. "Please just a little more, on my neck, Shark." "You got it Rev." Anything for the Pres-elect. I even made him and his body guards some chocolate chip cookies for the next day. (But after today, I'm not so sure about ever sending him strawberry poptarts again.) Well lo and behold, the Divine Child was born. And my body feels a hell of a lot less fat. Thank god, I pity the mothers, well maybe not, I've got an awfully cute kid :) His name is Fairbourne, delivered by the Rev. Gestation period: Five years. I'll let Rev tell you about it. And the Pope made it all so possible. Fairbourne's about a foot and half tall, very pink, two legs, a cute little mouth, brimming smile and one golden locke of hair upon his head. Christened with lemon bars. Sigh. A mother now. Rocky road swimming in my ears, pools of sweet goo sticking to my feet. I love baking for the travellers. So who's coming out next? Oh and none of that diaper crap. Fairbourne came out potty-trained. Geogreegy, how about a prayer for the divine child? =========================================================================== THE WACKY WORLD OF HONGKONG =========================================================================== Date: Sun, 11 Aug 1991 12:37 HKT From: Spode Subject: Just a few this time... South China Morning Post - 9 August 1991 _Baby Removed_ JAKARTA: Doctors removed a 10-year-old baby from the body on an Indonesian woman. Mrs. Iyam Supiyem, 37, a farmer's wife from a small village in the district of Majalengka, became pregnant in 1981, but the baby grew outside her womb. The dead baby weighed 1.7 kilograms and measured 30 centimetres. ======================== South China Morning Post - 9 August 1991 _Condom Charge_ Vaestervik, Sweden: A 22-year-old man has been charged with indecent behaviour by a Swedish court and faces a 300 crown (HK$374) fine for wearing a condom on his head. The man is to appear in court after a waitress complained when he donned the condom as she was serving him in a restaurant. ======================== _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 9 August 1991 _Dog's Life_ Our article yesterday about a Korean company wanting to import canned dog meat for human consumption is apparently not out of the ordinary. Ms. Jill Robinson, Asia representative of the International Fund for Animal Welfare, said 5,000 dogs a day were slaughtered in Korea for human consumption. That adds up to almost two million dogs a year. Some 250,000 cats a year are also killed. Ms. Robinson said the fund was not protesting about the con- sumption of the animals but was concerned about the inhumane way in which they were sometimes killed. Their efforts have met with some success as the South Korean Government passed the Animal Protection Act last year making it illegal to kill dogs brutally for human consumption. ======================== ->Representative Tim Moore sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of ->Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend ->Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to "his country, his state ->and his community." -> The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's ->dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the ->lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of ->concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the ->state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional ->techniques involving population control and applied psychology." -> The resolution was passed unanimously. -> Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the ->motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often ->without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo ->was the Boston Strangler. ======================== South China Morning Post - 9 August 1991 _Cat Assault_ Tempe, Arizona: A dispute between two roommates ended with the arrest of one of them for striking the other in the face with a cat, authorities said. The cat was killed in the incident. =========================================================================== HEY YOU! (Dr. Simpson) =========================================================================== UNEMPLOYED?! SHORT OF CASH?! Make Otis PAY for YOU! Top Otisians make hundreds of tax-free dollars every month in donations and sales of Otis material. Now, you can too! "How can I make Otis pay?" Send away for one of Pope Jeffe's easy starting kits! The ArqBishop(tm) Kit: Official Otisian Mailing List (chock full o' suckers!), "The Centerfold of the Gods," Otisian Lapel Buttons, OtisRobe(tm) Pattern, subscription to "The Otisian Directory," Diploma, Wallet Card, "Where I Get My Ideas" by Pope Jeffe, and a FREE half-page add in the next O.D.! $19.95 The Saint Kit: Otisian Lapel Buttons, OtisRobe(tm) Pattern, subscription to "The Otisian Directory," and a FREE quarter-page add in the next O.D.! $11.95 The X-pert(tm) Kit: Official Otisian Mailing List, OtisRobe(tm) Pattern, EZ-2-make(tm) Otisian Jewelry, EZ-2-make(tm) Assassination, EZ-2-make(tm) 900 Numbers, Diploma, Wallet Card, FREE half-page add in the next O.D.! $24.95 =========================================================================== MORE FROM HONGKONG =========================================================================== _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 August 1991 _Bare Bones_ The widely read Mr. Griff Griffith yesterday had his nose in _La Cuenca del Pacific_ (The Pacific Basin), a business book published by Banco Nacional de Mexico. "Mexico and Hongkong: An Example of an Incipient Relationship" is the headline of one section. "Hongkong presently consumes 1.3 billion tons of chicken a month. A Mexican company in Gomez Palacio, Durango, is supplying a significant proportion of this demand," it says. Mr. Griffith said: "A quick calculation indicates that every man, woman and child in Hongkong consumes more than seven tons of chicken a day. I'm sure I'd notice if I was eating that amount, if only by the pile of bones by the back door. There weren't any last time I looked." Come on, own up. Someone must be eating Mr. Griffith's daily seven tons in addition to their own. Greedy pig. ================= _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 August 1991 _Bottom Line_ Dumb consumer tales, part 23. Chris Gibbons of Saitek, the Hongkong-based firm that makes chess computers, told us yesterday about an unfortunate event that befell some people he knew in the packaging business. The rule about instructions seems to be that if it can be mis- understood, the consumers of the world will gratuitously mis-interpret it to the best of their ability. The firm concerned produced 100,000 lipsticks of various shades. Just before they were due to reach the shelves, they realized that the instructions could be read in two ways. "They had to get all 100,000 of them repackaged," said Chris. The original instructions said: "To apply, push up bottom." ================= South China Morning Post - 22 May 1991 _Cinema Death_ BANGKOK: A cleaner sweeping up after the late show at a pornographic cinema found a 24-year-old Thai man dead in his seat. Police said he died of heart failure during the double bill of Chinese and Japanese sex films. =========================================================================== FRAGMENTS FROM OTISIAN HOLY BOOKS =========================================================================== [Below is possibly the beginning of a series of various holy Otisian texts. Some of these have been translated directly from the original cuneiform.] 1. In the name of Otis, the Beneficent, the Merciful. 2. This Book, there is no doubt in it, is a guide to those who guard (against B. Otis). 3. Those who believe in the unseen and keep up prayer and send Otis his due. 4. And who believe in that which has been revealed to you and that which was revealed before you and they are sure of the hereafter. 5. These are on a right course from Otis and these it is that shall be successful. 6. Surely those who disbelieve, it being alike to them whether you warn them, or do not warn them, will not believe. 7. Otis has set a seal upon their hearts and upon their hearing and there is a covering over their eyes, and there is a great punishment for them. Nor will they partake in the coming glory of salvation from Ragnorock. 8. And there are some people who say: We believe in Otis and the last day; and they are not at all believers. And there are some who say: We will write for Purps and never do. 9. They desire to deceive Otis and those who believe, and they deceive only themselves and they do not perceive. 10. There is a disease in their hearts, so Otis added to their disease and they shall have a painful chastisement because they do not set themselves on fire. 11. And when it is said to them, Do not make mischief in the land, they say: We are but peace-makers. 12. Now surely they themselves are the mischief makers, but they do not perceive. 13. And when it is said to them: Believe as the people believe they say: Shall we believe as the fools believe? Now surely they themselves are the fools, but they do not know. 14. And when they meet those who believe, they say: We believe; and when they are alone with their dreadfully dull and boring tired old gods , they say: Surely we are with you, we were only mocking. 15. Otis shall pay them back their mockery, and He leaves them alone in their inordinacy, blindly wandering on. 16. These are they who buy error for the right direction of the four fold arrow, so their bargain shall bring no gain, nor are they the followers of the right direction of the four fold arrow. 17. Their parable is like the parable of one who kindled a fire but when it had illumined all around him, Otis took away their light, and left them in utter darkness-- they do not see. Nor were they provided with coleman gas lanterns in the afterlife. 18. Deaf, dumb (and) blind, so they will not turn back. 19. Or like abundant rain from the cloud in which is utter darkness and thunder and lightning; they put their fingers into their ears because of the thunder peal, for fear of death, and Otis encompasses the unbelievers and sent the Mighty Spode to make a mockery of them. 20. The lightning almost takes away their sight; whenever it shines on them they walk in it, and when it becomes dark to them they stand still; and if Otis had pleased He would certainly have taken away their hearing and their sight; surely Otis has power over all things, but often Otis is too busy to go messing with the wretched unbelievers. 21. O men! serve Otis and send in Money! Who created you and those before you so that you may guard (against B. Otis). 22. Who made the earth a resting place for you and the heaven a canopy and (Who) sends down rain from the cloud then brings forth with it subsistence for you of the fruits; therefore do not set up rivals to Otis while you know. 23. And if you are in doubt as to that which We have revealed to Pope Cool I, then produce a chapter like it and call on your witnesses besides Otis if you are truthful. 24. But if you do (it) not and never shall you do (it), then be on your guard against the darkness of which men and stones are the fuel; it is prepared for the unbelievers. 25. And convey good news to those who believe and do good deeds, that they shall have gardens in which rivers flow; whenever they shall be given a portion of the fruit salad thereof, they shall say: This is what was given to us before; and they shall be given the like of it, and they shall have pure mates in them, and in them, they shall abide. And they shall enjoy tea on the lawn every Friday. 26. Surely Otis is not ashamed to set forth any parable-- (that of) a gnat or any thing above that; then as for those who believe, they know that it is the truth from the mouth of Otis, and as for those who disbelieve, they say: What is it that Otis means by this parable: He causes many to err by it and many He leads aright by it! but He does not cause to err by it (any) except the transgressors, 27. Who break the covenant of Otis after its confirmation and cut asunder what Otis has ordered to be joined, and make mischief in the land; these it is that are the losers. And they will be forced to have Brow as a dinner guest. =========================================================================== DR SIMPSON SPEAKS =========================================================================== "It took courage to write about Otisian archeology, and it will take courage to read about it. Because its knowledge and truths do not fit into the mosaic of traditional archeology, constructed so laboriously and cemented firmly down, "scientists" will call it nonsense. All the lights in the House of the High Priests of Science are out, all the doors and windows are shut and securely fastened (they do not sleep with their windows open for fear the truth might fly in); I have rung the bell of Reason, banged on their door with Logic, and thrown the gravel of Evidence against their windows; but the only sign of life in the house is the occasional snore of Dogma. When will they remember that the origin of the very word Science comes from the Latin scientia, meaning knowledge? True scientists are supposed to search for truth wherever that search leads them." -- Dr. S. P. Simpson =========================================================================== MORE FROM HONGKONG =========================================================================== South China Morning Post - 31 July 1991 _High price of freedom_ MOSCOW: Soviet citizens planning to take advantage of freer foreign travel had an unpleasant shock when the Government published a new scale of charges for issuing passports and other services. The fee for obtaining a passport to travel abroad has been increased to 1,000 roubles (about HK$4,000) [about US$520], more than three times the average monthly pay. ================= _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 31 July 1991 _Honesty Slays_ Czechoslovak Airlines, from the country which brought you the Skoda, now has business-class service on nonstop flights from New York to Prague and Bratislava four days a week. (We imagine that if you pay extra, they will agree not to meet you at the airport in a Skoda limousine.) But honesty has forced Czechoslovak Airlines to go for perhaps the most wimpish advertising slogan we have ever heard: "OK ... and getting even better." ================= South China Morning Post - 30 April 1991 _KGB 'steps up spying activities'_ WASHINGTON: [some deleted] The KGB also recently resumed a campaign to discredit the United States in domestic and foreign newspapers, officials say. They cited stories such as one last month in a Zimbabwe newspaper that claimed the United States was exporting condoms laced with AIDS-infected lubricants. [remainder deleted] ================= _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 5 August 1991 _Listed, Dated_ The cheery Craig Lindsey of Pacific Rim Ventures is returning to Canada to do an MBA in Nova Scotia. He made a list of "Ten Things I Will Miss in Hongkong". 1. Reading _Lai See_. And I'm not just saying this to get published, honestly. 2. Living in a place where people are called Milky and Ringo. 3. Lan Kai Fong [popular bar area -Spode] at 3:30am. 4. Buying thousand-year-old eggs in 7-Eleven. 5. The Standard Chartered [bank] [HK]$10 a Pint Night at Scotties. 6. The Hongkong Sevens. 7. Scoping for babes in Chater Garden on a Sunday afternoon. 8. The Frog and Toad. 9. Living in a place where the fines for littering outweight those for insider trading. 10. Doing the Wan Chai Waddle. ================= South China Morning Post - 30 July 1991 _Vice Streets_ ZURICH: Switzerland's legendary passion for order and tidiness took a new turn with publication in the city gazette of a list of officially approved pavements where prostitutes may ply their trade. ================= South China Morning Post - 31 July 1991 _Smokers Return_ VANCOUVER: The Town Pump Cabaret, the first nightclub in Canada to ban smoking, said it had been forced to reopen its doors to smokers to avoid going out of business. It found that people who did not smoke did not drink much either. ================= Sunday Morning Post - 4 August 1991 _Philosophy with a bang_ Weighty philosophical discussions with taxi drivers are not as common here as in New York or London perhaps, but sometimes pearls of wisdom are tossed across from the front seat. Last week, during a stop for traffic lights, the cab driver glanced across at another taxi idling alongside in the next lane. "You know, I often think I am in a very dangerous occupation," he said, apparently apropos of nothing. The passenger, following his gaze, could not help but agree. There in the left hand window of the adjacent vehicle were two very neat bullet holes. ================= _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 5 August 1991 _One Good Tern_ University of North Carolina political science professor Dr. Robert Mundt says he has uncovered "improprieties in the sausage industry". Dr. Mundt claims that unscrupulous manufacturers are using sea gull meat in their sausages, and says this represents "a tern for the wurst". ================= _Newsweek_ International Edition - 5 August 1991 _Bats in Bahia: Vampires Come Calling_ The night callers glide noiselessly through an open bedroom window on any hot, sultry evening. Sleepers are rarely awakened by the tiny bite in an arm, a leg or a neck. But the next day the victim feels a soreness, and sees a swollen bump where something drank of his blood. The scene out of the "Vampires' Ball" is the work of little vampire bats, and has repeated itself with terrifying regularity in three backwater villages in Brazil's northeastern state of Bahia. By last week three people had died after being bitten by rabies-infected vampire bats near Apora'. And about 291 other other villagers had sought treatment after being bitten. The nocturnal raids began last month when trees surrounding the caves that sheltered the bats were cut down. The bats migrated to shadier caves to escape the unwelcome daylight, and the villages now lie within their territory. The gray bats, which measure a foot across the wing, used to feed on wildlife and farm animals. Now they are contaminating domestic dogs and cats with rabies, along with their human prey. The Bahia state health department has sped thousands of antirabies vaccinations to the area. Health authorities have placed netting on people's doors and windows to fend off attacks. Nets are also placed over entrances to bat caves. Every bat caught alive is coated with a poisonous cream, Vampiricina. Since bats have the habit of licking one another, a single treated bat can keep 20 others from biting again. === Isn't it wonderful the way humans live in harmony with nature? -Spode =========================================================================== THE POPES MOVE (Dr. Simpson) =========================================================================== The Papal See has been moved! In a courageous return to the fundamentals of Otisianism, Pope Jeffe has moved the seat of his power back to Boston, Massachusetts where Pope Enzio moved the Order in 1920 to escape religious and financial persecution in Britain. The new offices of the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes take up the first and second floors of the new Jordan Building in beautiful Cambridge, only four blocks from the historic red brick building that housed the first Papacy in America and only three blocks from stately Harvard University. To reach the Pope directly send to: Pope Jeffe I, Suite 209 The Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes 955 Massachusetts Avenue Cambridge MA 02139 It is VERY important to include the suite number. The Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes is sub-leasing the other floors to other persecuted religious minorities. There are two Rev. Jeffs and a Pope Jim in the building. The fact that Pope Jim has the top floor has nothing to do with status. Pope Jeffe chose to be close to his people. 209 also has a really nice big plate glass window that you can look down women's dresses from. If you wish to contact other departments of the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes, please find their office number first. We have not yet worked out all the bugs in the mailing system. Please also be aware that not all departments will be housed in the new building. A portion of the top Otisian leadership will be leaving in October to re-establish a temple in London, home of the rebirth of Otisianism. =========================================================================== HYMN OF SPIDERMAN (Dr. Simpson) =========================================================================== ON SPIDERMAN (hey man, what's going on here?) (ha ha, Oh man! ha ha) They say that Superman stops locomotives And Wonderwoman shoots pleasure from her hips. Now the Hulk, he's a monster of insanity, Nobody knows what he can see. 'N did you know that Spiderman does trip? He goes to the arcade every day. He thinks pac-man is such a blip, yeah. I'm sure you're astounded and a little shocked, Every night he goes and gets himself crocked. Did you know that Spiderman takes trip? Aquaman found Atlantis in the ocean And smiling Capt. Nemo's sinking ships. Now, you all thought that they did it straight. They all think that Lucy is great! We all know that Spiderman does trip. (guitar solo) Did you ever wonder how he spun his webs? He's got acid in his head. We all know that Spiderman takes trip. (aw man, he takes trip, man. What a bummer!) (Blah...Blah!) =========================================================================== STUPID ANIMAL STUNTS =========================================================================== From: keith@wattres.San-Jose.CA.US (Keith Letterman) Subject: Re: Fun with animals Date: 13 Aug 91 11:06:43 GMT In article <1991Aug8.134437.12433@cs.yale.edu> kasha@twolf.ce.yale.edu writes: >I went to cornell, a big agriculture school. A friend did an artificial >... >to each other, you take your other arm, and insert it elbow deep in the >remaining hole and feel around the internal anatomy to find the right >spot. I did not get anymore details, but I assume that you take a >shower next. > At good ol' U.C. Davis (another highly prominent agricultural school), we had something called "picnic day", where families and other visitors get to see some of the ludicrous things that pass for education. My housemate was in the veterinary (sp?) school, and he participated by supervising the "explore-a-cow". The demo cow has a healed, though not sealed, hole into her innards. The privileged guest dons an optional arm length glove, and inserts his or her arm into the bovine's interior. The glove is highly recommended, as Pete told me of a gent who declined it, and afterwards could not be approached due to the permeating odor which takes days to wash off. If you go to the U.C. Davis Picnic Day, (early spring) you too can participate in this loving interaction between man and beast... =========================================================================== SIPHON SURPRISE =========================================================================== From: bdh@gsbsun.uchicago.edu (Brian D. Howard) Subject: Siphon Surprise Date: 13 Aug 91 18:25:28 GMT I recently heard on the radio a story about someone who tried to siphon gas out of a motorhome. The story claimed the perpetrator opened the wrong cap, siphoned instead from the holding tank of the lavatory, and was supposedly found curled up on the ground outside the motorhome the next morning. Does anyone recall hearing this same story? Does anyone believe it? -- "Old age and treachery will overcome youth and talent." =========================================================================== MORE ELVIS RUMORS =========================================================================== From: markh@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Mark William Hopkins) Subject: Elvis underground in Witness Protection Program?? Date: 15 Aug 91 20:18:45 GMT This doesn't exactly qualify as a conspiracy, but it's the most interesting story I've heard in a long while. Bill Bixby hosted a live show yesterday, that I'm sure some of you saw, called the Elvis Files, and it brought up the possibility that Elvis (a known agent of the DEA in the '70's) may have been involved in a FBI undercover sting operation against the Paternity culminating in the sting in August of '77, after which he went underground under the Witness Protection Program. The array of evidence brought up to support this idea included (1) declassified FBI documentation ranging from the late '70's to early '80's. (2) handwriting analyses performed by accredited experts on several items on his "Medical Examiners Report", and several signatures on the above-mentioned FBI documents (signed Frederic Poll, I think), and reams of other samples. (3) voice analyses of recordings of purported calls (with hours of data to draw from) (4) alleged photos (including one shot of him leaving the hospital with his friend Muhammed Ali back around '84 or so) (5) testimony from some of his friends relating to discrepancies in the inventory compiled at his 'death' (with regard to hundreds of items known to be in his possession in 8/77 not listed in his estate) (6) de-classified coast guard reports of someone resembling Elvis being rescued multiple times in a disabled boat off the coast of Florida. and various other discrepancies. Bixby said himself that he was reluctant to take on the show (for obvious reasons), until he was presented with this vast array of evidence. So??? Actually sounds like a plausible story, given that he WAS on the payroll as a Federal Agent ... buy it? =========================================================================== SILLY QUOTE =========================================================================== Date: Tue, 13 Aug 91 22:28:45 MDT From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: silly quote "If you wrapped yourself in the flag like George Bush does, you would be worried about flag burning too." - anonymous =========================================================================== MORE OTIS IN THE NEWS (Dr. Simpson) =========================================================================== OTISIANS SOLUTION TO DEMOCRATIC ANGST? In a move that has electrified the Democratic party, Senator Philip Mather of Ohio has suggested that his party co-operate with the Otisians to form a coalition capable of defeating George Bush in '92. "I'm not sure we have a choice," said Sen. Mather, "We have the technical know-how in government and they have greater numbers and respectability but no experience." Many moderate Democrats have denounced the Otisians as "anarchists" and some progressive Democrats have been highly critical of the Otisian stand on separation of church and state. =========================================================================== TEXAS NEWSPAPERS =========================================================================== Date: Fri, 16 Aug 91 19:02:46 CDT From: Steve J White Subject: Texas Newspapers Reach New Lows (fwd) Hey there Mal-- I was hoping by sending this to you it would get into the next Purps. If not, would you send it to whomever SHOULD get it? Or, just tell me who to send it to, OR send it to /dev/nul, OR tell me to take a flying fuck off an Otis elevator... see ya. - steve _______________________________________________________________________ >From @pucc.PRINCETON.EDU:ACTIV-L@UMCVMB.BITNET Wed Aug 14 12:27:16 1991 >Date: Wed, 14 Aug 1991 12:19:09 CDT >Subject: Texas Newspapers Reach New Lows > From Michael Worsham, Texas A & M University, August 13, 1991 Texas papers are sinking ever lower recently. Consider theres 2 bits: 1) On Saturday, August 10, 1991 the Houston Chronicle, on the top right corner of its front page, has a full color picture of Elvis Presley with a bold caption "The King Lives" with the rest of the come-on reading "Texas claims Elvis will rise from the grave, make a big comeback" with a direction to the reader to find the "story" in the Houston section of the paper. Is this the National Enquirer of what? The story is about some guy who gets media attention by giving this speil about what Elvis will do when he comes back. I suppose that since the Chronicle, which printed its second in-house editorial denouncing the October Surprise investigation is so busy covering up for Bush/Gates that it has to resort to this pathetic crap. But putting it on the front page? I'm glad my subscription runs out at the end of the month. 2) The Austin Chronicle reports this bit from the Dallas Morning News. On the top of the front page of the DMN's August 4 edition ran the head- line "Boost: JFK Film Brought Dollars to Dallas." The story ran in the Arts section, concerning how much money the filming of Oliver Stone's film JFK brought to Dallas. The Austin Chronicle reporter Al L. Ears opined : "Isn't that nice. The theme seems to be that if Kennedy had been assassinated in any other city this is money that Dallas would never have seen." Reported by Michael Worsham =========================================================================== CATEGORIES OF OTISIANISM (Dr. Simpson) =========================================================================== Numinous personages may be divided into three categories in Otisianism. First are members of the priesthood. Their mystical powers are rarely greater than simple mind-reading or spoon-bending tricks but their role as guardians of theological orthodoxy more than compensates for their weakness on the ethereal plane. Their auras are rarely visible to the average mortal. The second category of numinous personages is saints. Saints manifest powerful miracle-working capability but they are usually tuned to specific stimuli, usually an ecstatic state reached in commune with a particular god(dess) after many hours of meditation and prayer, although long debauches have also been reported to work. Saints are the vehicles of theological change and, as such, are rarely appreciated in their lifetime. Saints' auras tend to only be visible when performing miracles. The third category of numinous personages is divine incarnations. These beings are human bodies that carry the divine essence for the course of a human life. While their auras can often be seen for miles, direct possession is not an effective tool for precise miracle manipulation. Rather than specific, defined events, these beings produce a field in which the divinity's power is especially manifest. While there are numerous examples of two of these states occurring in a single being (most commonly priest-saint or priest-incarnation), there are no canonical examples of all three occurring in one being. Pope Jeffe, current head of the priesthood, has clearly demonstrated the miracle characteristics of the saint but has repeatedly denied that he is an incarnation of Otis. =========================================================================== THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND =========================================================================== --Subink 1991 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior mal@socpsy.sci.fau.edu technology" --Electro the Robot barker@acc.fau.edu barker@fauvax.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment