***** ****** **** ** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ** ** ** ** The Summer Version of ***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ****** **** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** Yep looks the same but it ain't ================================================================ THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 26 ================================================================ "South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/43 Mitchell Grant Way/ Bedford, MA 01730-1264 =========================================================================== INTRO =========================================================================== Well here we are once again. As usual I'm cobbling this together at the very last instant. I suppose I should stop doing these things, still you got a purps right and it's on time. Anyways on with the show. I want to get this sent out. It's already late as is. Inside you'll find: Demonic Possession Optima Plan Part III Crack Crazed Rodents Wacky News from Hongkong A New Otisian Talks to Mal Men's Unspoken Rules Join Up Now! Boar Sperm More from Hongkong Plagiarizing Multiple Personalities Lazarus Act News of the Weird Revelations of a SOG More New from Hongkong So You Want to Submit to Purps More News of the Weird Elvis Does it Again Naked During Sex Baby with the Bath Water More from Hongkong Football: Religious Rite Roller Coaster of Death And Still More NOTW Polish Folk Magick A still More News of the Weird Walt Frozen The Final Word from News of the Weird =========================================================================== DEMONIC POSSESSION =========================================================================== From: jbs@rti.rti.org (Joe Simpson) Subject: Re: Computers and daemonic possession Date: 15 Jul 91 21:33:50 GMT [stuff deleted] I even still had this one archived. From the Weekly World News, date unknown (Ca. 1986): ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Desperate Bank Officials hire Indian Holy Men to Exorcise... D E M O N C O M P U T E R * It's killed two women and put one in a coma * By Robin James Officials of a large bank have called in exorcists to rid a possessed computer terminal of the demon that killed two workers and put another in a coma. "It sounds absurd and superstitious in these days to talk about demonic possession, but we have no other explanation," said Jorge Montalbo, vice president of customer relations at the bank in Valparaiso, Chile. In just five months since the terminal was installed, three operators were stricken while at its keyboard. "Our employees refuse to work with it and fear that if the terminal is removed, the demon inside will slip into the entire computer system." The terminal, consisting of a TV screen and keyboard, was one 13 installed in the bank along with a new $7.3 million computer system, said Montalbo. Two weeks after she began working with it, Louisa Morello, a 27-year-old mother of two, was found sitting before the video screen, her mouth open and an empty look in her eyes. She was rushed to a hospital where she remains -- in a brain dead coma, said Montalbo. Two other women also worked with the terminal. Each was found by co-workers slumped over the keyboard -- dead. Doctors said the first died of a massive stroke. No one knows what killed the other, a 22-year-old-girl with no medical problems. Baffled doctors who performed an autopsy labeled her death as due to "mysterious circumstances," he said. "At first, we decided to just remove the terminal," said Montalbo. "But the workman who came to carry it away fainted when he tried to unplug it from the system. Luckily, he revived a few minutes later. "But our employees began calling the terminal cursed by the devil and possessed. A spokesman for the workers said they will all quit unless holy men are brought in to vanquish the evil within the device." Montalbo also said the bank has sent for three Inca spirit-breakers who live high in the Andes, 200 miles from the city. Meanwhile, the terminal has been cordoned off and the terrified bank workers give it a wide berth. "If the exorcism doesn't work and someone else dies while using the terminal, we'll have to scrap all of our computers and spend millions getting a new system," said Montalbo. "Otherwise, no one will work here." =========================================================================== OPTIMA PLAN PART III =========================================================================== Date: Sun, 21 Jul 91 23:40:18 CDT From: Reverend John Subject: never too early well since I didn't get around to doing clippings for purps 24, here's Optima Plan part 3 way early. hopefully I'll get off my butt and do clippings this time out. stewy already has seen this story and is writing a new one that ties into it. more to come. this is just the beginning... ;-) Rev Optima Plan, part three by Rev. John uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu Steph glanced around the bus. There were perhaps thirty people on board this Chicago-Milwaukee run. She would have preferred to fly but Spode was a bit low on cash at the moment (hopefully the 1-900 plan would take care of that) so taking the Greyhound route was about the only option. The other passengers were rather seedy-looking. The bus had stopped for over half an hour in some corn-pone Wisconsin town while she slept. When she woke up, everyone who had been on was gone, and in their place were these sluggish louts. Most of them looked semi-comatose and likely were on food stamps. She fingered the file of clippings nervously. They had not been taken from the regular daily paper she got the usual News Of The Weird items from. Rather, they had come to her in an unmarked envelope, slipped under her door. She had built up a wide network of contacts in the greater Chicago area and apparently it had finally paid off. The clippings were standard NOTW's but with curious little marks and dots on them. She figured they were some sort of code, but just what they meant would be up to the OTISian party's super computers in Florida. About then the bus passed an on-ramp and a bulky black van pulled up alongside. Abruptly the driver's window on the van rolled down and an arm reached out, holding a device apparently made of cardboard and tin foil. A bent-out-of-shape coat hangar protruding from the top began to whirl, and suddenly the driver of the bus collapsed onto the floor. There was a sudden squeal as the wheel turned with the man's comatose hand and the bus angled onto the shoulder of the road. The other passengers on the bus looked alarmed. Steph clutched the envelope even tighter and tried to get a look at the driver of the sinister black van. Over half of the passengers produced weapons from their coats and bags, and a hail of gunfire blew out the right-hand windows. Steph briefly glimpsed one of the passengers clambering over the front seat to grab the wheel. Bullet holes tracked across the side of the black van, in a trail of sparks and ricochets that suggested that the vehicle was heavily plated. A vent on top of the van popped open. From a speaker somewhere within came a stunningly loud voice. 'Ephstay, uckday!' came the shout, and Steph's training kicked in. Recognizing the OTISian Standard Pig Latin Code she hunched down to the floor. From the open vent on top of the van a machine gun angled up and out, and began spraying the side of the bus as casings skittered down the road behind. The curious passengers twisted and jerked as the dum-dum rounds struck in great bloody blossoms. When the fire cleared and Steph glanced up, the van had pulled off the road and was following along the slowing bus. Shortly both vehicles came to a stop. A figure in dark clothing hopped out of the driver's seat of the van and burst into the bus. 'Let's roll Steph they got a convoy coming,' Shark yelled through the thick smell of cordite and fluids. Steph bounded out of her seat, grabbing her attache as she did so. The two of them hurried out of the bus and into the van, and inside of a minute the bus stood alone on the side of the road. 'So what's on the tapes?' asked Stewy as Rev stood there looking smug as usual. 'Information,' he said. 'Some stuff that SamHill dug up. I just got it cracked.' 'So? What's it about?' 'Well it's about the births of the divine children, and their significance in the New World Order.' 'You mean Humpy Stumpy's and Shark's?' 'Not just them.. the rest, too.' 'The rest? How many divine children are there?' Rev was quiet for a moment. When he spoke it was in a soft voice that betrayed his amazement at what he was saying. 'All of them.' 'All? All of what?' 'All of them. The appearance of Humpy Stumpy heralded not just the births of the divine children we knew of. Her appearance signified a lot more.' 'So what do you mean, all of them? How many?' 'All of them. Like from now on. Every child born after Humpy's is a divine child.' 'What?!?' 'SamHill was looking into the existence of Heaven and Hell, after all that business with Mal taking over Hell and all. Well, from what he found, it seems that Satan disappeared a heck of a lot farther back than anyone ever thought.' 'Slow, Rev, slow. What's the deal?' 'Okay, from what SamHill found out, Hell was actually more or less disbanded back in the dark ages. The people of Earth were locked into a period of zero growth, zero knowledge, so OTIS worked out a deal for Satan to give up his job. In exchange, all the demons fled hell and came to live within the souls of man. So instead of hell being this external, mythical force, people learned to confront their own demons from within. The result was electrifying: the Renaissance was the first and most important result. For the first time, humanity realized that evil could be found within itself, as well as without.' 'And?' 'Well that's just it. The appearance of Humpy the Stumpy Bear in our world means that Heaven has finally decided to do the same thing. All that is base and evil already exists within humans (along with the basic neutrality we started with). Now, Humpy Stumpy's coming signifies the merging of all that is good and right with humanity. Finally, the true promise of Eden will come to fruition.' 'Which means?' 'Humpy - or Eve, whatever you want to call her - is bringing about the ultimate merging of Heaven, Hell, and Humanity. OTIS set it in motion back when he captured God (stubborn old fool) and shut him away down in the abandoned depths of Hell.' 'But I thought Mal was the one who did that.' 'That's just it. That's what we never figured on.' 'What?' 'Mal is OTIS.' Stewy's butt fell off. to be continued =========================================================================== CRACK CRAZED RODENTS =========================================================================== From: ldoering@caen.engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering) Subject: The Weekly World News strikes again! The July 23 issue of the WWN blows the lid off the latest hazard menacing residents of New York City. If you thought albino alligators in the sewers were bad, brace yourself for the CRACK-CRAZED SQUIRRELS! -------------- "Squirrels go nuts over crack cocaine" Big-city squirrels have become addicted to discarded crack cocaine -- and they're ripping innocent people to shreds in a drug-crazed search for more! "It's worse than anything we saw in the hippie drug years of the '60s and '70s," observed Carl Langford, a New York City parks supervisor. [...] "Whenever you get scavenging wildlife eating refuse in city streets, you're bound to get a few animals with illegal drug problems," said Dr. Nathan Connors, a social anthropologist with a U.S. anti-drug task force. He said that in the past, when LSD and marijuana were drugs of choice, "a squirrel would devour a remnant of a marijuana cigarette or a dose of LSD, then have a bad trip. But these were isolated episodes. There was none of the pitched violence and mayhem that we're now seeing with squirrels on crack," Connors said. "When they're flying high, a pack of crack-crazed squirrels can chew a man's leg off in no time," Langford added. Sharp-eyed pedestrians can protect themselves by looking for telltale signs of these furry, four-legged druggies. Authorities say that crack-addicted squirrels can be easily recognized "by their dilated pupils and heavy breathing. Also, they tend to scratch a lot since they're often infested with crack-dependent fleas and ticks." -------------- Larry "Madonna Says Space Aliens Cloned Hitler To Help Bigfoot Steal Her Baby" Doering =========================================================================== WACKY NEWS FROM HONGKONG =========================================================================== South China Morning Post - 11 July 1991 Gloria Estefan's fans of the male persuasion are seizing the moment on Gloria's _Into The Light Tour_ and flinging their underwear at the Miami singer at the rate of about a dozen pairs a night, _USA Today_ reports. Noting the upscale nature of her audiences, Estefan said: "Calvin Klein is the No 1 brand." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunday Morning Post Magazine - 19 July 1991 --on July 19, 1965: The first volume of Chairman Mao Tse-Tung's selected works was published in Braille. --on July 20, 1875: Professional football was legalized in Britain. [and look what this came to! -Spode] --on July 22, 1934: US Public Enemy No 1, John Dillinger, was hot dead by FBI agents outside a Chicago theatre. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991 _Night Safe_ Headhunter Glendon Rowell of Boyden International told us that the best bit of wisdom he had heard about the banking crisis came from his amah: She said: "If God had wanted us to have banks, he would not have given us mattresses." ========================================================================== A NEW OTISIAN TALKS TO MAL ========================================================================== [This is probably a bit garbled and confusing but I thought it was amusing at the time so I threw it in here. Here yet again are more important clues to Otis.] the Popes b-day is his b-day celebration. Last time around the forces of evil assassinated him. This woman leapt out of a cake and machine gunned him down. the pilgrimage is a trip to Otis Mass. You eat at the Chicken Licken restaurant and have a ceremonial viewing of Brows Balls. what is brows balls? Well brows.. well testicles (or however you spell them) Brow is yet another Otisian deity. Brow is rather violent and has a bad temper. The what do you see at Brow Balls? Well brows balls are in a jar of rubbing alcohol in the museum at Otis Mass. Wait, are there real followers here? how many? Nope just you and me now.. Followers where in Mass? Quit a few.. the Pope is there after all.. and Preacher Tim and his house of blue light. Otis is a global religion now. Australia, Russia, England, everywhere. ..no all over...how many in all? What do these people do besides make purps... Dunno I must have about 100 on line with the dis and it getting splattered all over the place. Dunno the Pope must have over 200 last time he counted on his snail mail.. probably a lot more now. We've exploded over the past few months. Well we just on here make purps. They out there do the Otisian Directory. a directory of really neat stuff you can get thru the mail like zines and crap. And there are the weekly mailing of Otis stuff. Also the various rituals and secret So what do you all do? just have parties? initiation documents. zines? crap? Parties.. those are sacred rights. We do expeditions too. The Pope went to Europe and beyond for a year. zines=magazines crap=all manner of weird and wild things.. tapes, artifacts, mail art, books, records.. you name it. One of our loyal followers just went off to the Soviet Union too. what sacred rights? expeditions for what? Rites to worship Otis of course. Otis needs to be worshiped and besides it's fun. What does Otis need? Well to gain more knowledge and converts. I mean you don't think Dr. Simpson got all the stuff for Otis by sitting around on his butt do you? Otis needs everything really. Especially money though. Setting up a 1-900 number ain't that cheap. Dr. Simpson? Dr. Simpson the Castrated. He's the real scholar of the lot. He did an expedition to the Gobi in search of remnants of the Cities of Red Night and got castrated in the process. He did however discover the infamous Stone Fezzes and various secret rites involving yaks. yaks? Now he's working on an exacting time line of the Otisian Movement. Which stretches back to the dawn of time. Yaks.. large furry/hairy cow type beast found in tibet. ...does everyone have to go through an initiation process? used as a beast of burden and by some as a warped recreational device. What do you have to do for initiation? Only if you want. kiss the yak? Well we can't tell you that since it's a secret. You'd need to talk to the Pope. I can't initiate you. So what happens after initiation? Kiss a yak. No.. We do not do anything to yaks! the rumors of such things were started up by the evil B. Otis and the Zacharians. Oh you go on to do bigger and better things. Help fight the evil B. Otis. Do a tour of duty in the invisible navy, be a curator at the Otis Mass. Museum... write for purps (though anyone can do that.) Oh and preach to the masses the truth of Otis. Where and how do you preach the masses on the truth of Otis? What is the truth of Otis? Man the phone lines on the 1-900 number. Well it's all encoded there in the Purps. It's all rather complicated and part of the initiation is finding out for yourself. Why does Otis need a 900 number?...for what?...this is confusing... Well Otis needs a 900 number to spread the word of course. You can call it up and be enlightened. The Rev John has a campaign ad on there for the Otisian party. mal, how many issues of purp have been published? Well of course it's confusing. You only discovered Otis today. Look how confusing xianity is to the uninitiated. 25.. 26 by tomorrow. xianity? Christianity. Look at the blood and body bit. That's pretty confusing to the ignorant. Of course the Otisians are not Cannibals. mal, do you get paid for all this?...does the Pope get paid?..does anyone? Paid? This is a religion. You're not supposed to get paid for doing religion. The Pope just needs money for his publications and religious paraphernalia. And to subsidize Dr. Simpson's exotic expeditions. Where is Dr.simpson? Pittsburgh now. He's doing some research for his next expedition. They are still looking for skilled diggers I think. (there's a blurb out that in the purps I sent you.) skilled diggers? to where? has he decided? those stone fezzes still need to be investigated. stone fezzes? ...guess you keep up with all these thing huh...mal...are you required to memorize them? Hmm not sure. Dr. Simpson is not telling many people where he's going. he had some trouble last time he went. I keep up cause I have contacts with the inner circle. This is important stuff so I have to have it memorized. oh...well, where did simpson go last time? To the Gobi.. well that's the last one they told me about. Why the gobi...to find what? Gobi has a lot of weird stuff few have found. OH because of the Cities of Red Night that were once there. ...cities of Red Night? There are a lot of rumors floating around the gobi used to be a tropical paradise with advanced cities and stuff. Where does the Doc get his money from? 7 cities (don't quote me on it.) William S. Burroughs wrote a book on them. Also Carcosa could have been in the Gobi as well. Or something that came before Atlantis. Or even Valsuria land of the Serpent People. From grants mostly and his own pocket. there are a lot of people who's names don't wish to be associated with such things that give him money. =========================================================================== MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES =========================================================================== [Yet another article on Men. We seem to be starting some kind of series here.] Date: Mon, 22 Jul 1991 21:39 HKT From: Spode ----- Begin Included Message ----- M A N -- To -- M A N -------------------- MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES ................... By Mark Canter For modern men, we've compiled a brief list of those unspoken guidelines. These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that we've documented them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and say, "See, honey, I'm not the only one who does this stuff..." THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES: * On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost.... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old. * But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy...because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time. * Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides....It's all about who's out in front. * Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?" * A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer. * Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!." * Never admit you don't understand a political issue.... Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them. * There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there's a remote control handy ...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot. * If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel....It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet. * Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship. * If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue. But never reveal it to the other guy.... "Coach, when you said I was a low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made me feel small and sad." * Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex life to another guy...unless the guy is your urologist. * A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess....Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things. * If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used, proceed to the farthest available urinal. If a line has formed, maintain proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the urinal.... Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds, don't just stand there like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, any more and the guy next to you will probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk away. * When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery. * If you can't take it, you're not a man (whatever "it" might be)....Maybe you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one, you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never hear the end of it. * Ignore or deny physical pain...As comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret did in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's all, just stunned.'" * Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys....That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records. * Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like saying, "how do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it-- here and here." * If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound those calories into submission. * Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo. * If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative comments like "WOW! Check that out!"...and if you're alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist. * When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death. ========================================================================== JOIN UP NOW! ========================================================================== Are the pressures of your ordinary mortal existence getting you down? Have you no where to turn for help? Does it seem like everyone has deserted you? Ever notice how elevators have Otis written on them? Ever notice what that guy on the Andy Griffith show who was drunk all the time was saying? Ever listen to Otis Reading? Do you know why they called a town in Mass. Otis? Have you heard whispers of the infamous Haystack monument? Do you want to know the secret Masonic Signal For Distress? Ever thought of making a sound religious investment? If you can say yes to any of the above questions then Otis is for you! Yes, Otis the modern stream lined religion. No blood! No guts! Why sit on your fat butt in church when you could be out playing bartrek? As Vice Presidential Candidate Stewy says: "Well, if I have to pick one, it's gonna be Otis stuff. It's easy to read, sounds cool and he uses todays lingo." Yes fill that vacuum in your life with Otis. Learn the secret doctrine of Pope Cool I. Learn to speak globalized neo-Latin! Stop being jealous of all those other secret societies. Otis is for you. They'll turn green with envy when they hear the news you sent you money into Otis. Who's Otis you ask? Why he's none other than the multisex and omnipotent ancient god of Sumeria. Who needs a new fangled Christian god when you can have the real stuff. An ancient Sumerian god. He's had thousands of years more practice at being a god. She knows exactly what her worshipers want and demand so little in return. Join up now before it's too late! Ragnorock is rapidly approaching. When they pull the plug out of the great reality projector who's side will you be on? ========================================================================== BOAR SPERM ========================================================================== [Yes it' science time once again folks. Remember in the last issue we brought you the excitement of testicle exams, this time we have boar sperm. Not only can Purps be entertaining and enlightening, it can be educational.] From: mayers@cemmva.cem.msu.edu Subject: Re: Boar sperm mishaps Date: 2 Aug 91 20:03:52 GMT Seeing as SIKES isn't the storytelling type, lemme give it a try. The interesting point in this story is that the friend just happens to be a minor (she's 16). The legal implications might be interesting. The collection of the Boar sperm is normally handled by trained personnel, but on the day in question all of them had maliciously disappeared. The girl's professor/mentor was forced to do the collecting himself. The normal donor bull was not in, so a young, inexperienced boar was led into the stall. The professor collected the semen using what they call the "Gloved hand method" without gloves, and eventually had a milk jug like container full of semen. A cheesecloth was placed over the mouth of the container and the whole thing was inverted to let unimportant liquids drain off. (Sperm Concentrate? Will it replace Vegemite?) Then she and her professor tried to get the boar back in his stall. But by this time the boar had figured out that they weren't pros, and got free. The boar ran amok, and circled the stalls where the other boars were penned up. My friend left her professor to catch the boar, because it was time to turn the milk jug over and take off the cheesecloth. She got the first part done, then it happened. She only grabbed one side of the rubber band holding the cheesecloth on the jug (it was the side nearer her.) When she pulled, the cheesecloth came flying off and narrowly missed her. What followed it did not. She was covered from her hair to her waist in Semen Concentrate (which stinks rather badly: see discussion of garlic eaters' semen, then think of what boars eat). The stuff even got in her blouse. Yech! At any rate, she took four showers, and now washes her hands every 15 minutes. Trauma like this might permanently turn her into a vegetable, or, even worse, a scientologist! Psycotherapists who work cheaply are desperately needed in this case. Hope you enjoyed the show. -Anson "Wow, my first quotes-inbetween-my-names-thingy" Mayers -- "My mind is a terrible thing to waste." -Dan Quayle "Live long and prosper." -Leonard Nimoy MAYERS@CEMVAX.CEM.MSU.EDU MAYERS@CEMMVA.CEM.MSU.EDU MAYERS@MSUCEM.bitnet CEMVAX::MAYERS The views expressed herein may not be viewed by viewers without viewing assistance from a viewing apparatus.(In my view, at least.) =========================================================================== MORE FROM HONGKONG =========================================================================== Date: Mon, 22 Jul 1991 21:41 HKT From: Spode Subject: Two more from Hong Kong _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991 _Colour of Money_ A contact of ours known as Mr X was in a jewelry shop on Nathan Road, helping a tourist buy a watch. He handed over a $500 banknote for a $400 watch. The jewelry owner in return handed the tourist a wad of red $10 notes. "Hang on a minute," said Mr. X. "Hongkong $10 notes aren't red." "Oh, yes, they are," said the shopkeeper. "But I've been here for years and I've never seen red ones." "Er. They are new. They have just been issued." Anyway, Mr. X demanded that the tourist receive the change in normal green ones and they left the shop. What a strange story. Is this a currency-switch con that tourists should watch out for? Or have Hongkong counterfeiters been using cheap colour photocopiers again? [note from Spode: until I get around to screwing it up, $10 notes are green, $20 notes are orange, $50 notes are purple, $100 notes are red, $500 notes are brown, $1000 notes are yellow.] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- South China Morning Post - 22 July 1991 _Sterilization Fears Cause School Panic_ Hundreds of parents, fearful that immunization of their children could lead to sterilization, surrounded a school in east China's Jiangxi province armed with iron bars and knives, the _Xinmin Evening News_ reported. At other provincial schools in Yichun city, students gathered outside, afraid to be inoculated against disease because of rumors that it would make them sterile. And in villages parents snatched children from school when they saw the inoculation van. The newspaper said the rumors started because people confused the Chinese word for immunization, *mianyi*, with the one for sterilization, *mianyu*. -Reuters --------------------------------------------------------------------------- _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991 _Cracking Pace_ Mr. Dino Chincotta, a lecturer at Hongkong University, was born in Gibralter, Europe's fastest growing financial centre, and likes to keep an eye on events in that part of the world. Which is why he phoned to tell us that the "First Annual Nutcracking With the Bottom" championships was recently held in the basque village of Kortezubi, 199 miles from Madrid. The contest was won by Spaniard Jose Luis Astoreka, 34, who crushed 30 walnuts using his buttock muscles in 57 seconds. His brother Juan Ramon came second, according to Gibralter journal _Panorama_. Would any Hongkong corporations fancy sponsoring this? Mr. Chincotta said: "These are brave men. A miscalculation might have resulted in more cracked nuts than they bargained for." =========================================================================== PLAGIARIZING MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES =========================================================================== From: ccuppern@s.psych.uiuc.edu (Cyndi Cuppernell) Subject: Multiple personalities Date: 17 Jul 91 18:24:15 GMT From the July 16, 1991 Champaign-Urbana News-Gazette: U.S. District Judge Harold Baker has dismissed the lawsuit filed by a former University of Illinois graduate student who claimed his expulsion for plagiarism was discriminatory because he suffers from a multiple personality disorder. Lary Sanders, who was a student in speech and hearing science, was expelled in February for submitting a plagiarized paper to his advisor, Joan Erickson. Sanders said in court documents that one of his personalities had submitted the paper to get Erickson's attention. end of quote. The judge threw the case out. My husband suggested that the university should have just expelled the one personality. My question is, did each personality have to take the graduate entrance exam? What about tuition? Were they each charged tuition? Later in our newspaper (same issue) I found: A syndicated thingy they put on the comics page is called "Our Fascinating Earth". It includes all kinds of trivia about all kinds of stuff. Yesterday's entry reads: A-A-A-A-H-H-H-H! In 1971 a Swiss couple vacationing in Hong Kong, stopped into a Chinese restaurant for dinner, and asked the waiter to take their pet poodle, Rosa, into the kitchen and feed her. THE WAITER MISUNDERSTOOD, and about 1 hour later HE SERVED THEM ROSA done to a turn in a sweet sauce and garnished with vegetables. The meal was uneaten while the COUPLE WENT INTO SHOCK. end of quote. Sounds kind of ULish to me. The newspaper's editor agreed with me. Cyndi Cuppernell =========================================================================== LAZARUS ACT =========================================================================== Date: Mon, 22 Jul 91 13:14:42 CDT From: Reverend John Subject: Lazarus act well here's an article you might could use. no doubt other people will type this in too but what the hey. Rev From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, July 22, 1991 (C)1991 Reuters News Service Romanian Man Returns From The Grave BUCHAREST, Romania - A woman fainted when she opened her front door in Bucharest to see her husband back from the grave three days after he was buried. The mad - identified by the Romanian weekly Tinerama as Neagu - had stopped breathing and collapsed in a fit of coughing after he choked on a fishbone. The family doctor, who knew Neagu had a heart ailment, did not think twice when he proclaimed the 71-year-old man had died of a heart attack. But three days later, gravediggers at the cemetery heard someone knock on wood. They opened Neagu's coffin to find him alive among wilted flowers. Neagu went back home - only to find that his wife and children did not want him. His wife, fearing he was a ghost, barred him from spending nights at home. His two sons told him to stay away from his grandsons. The worst came when it took Neagu three weeks to persuade the police, town hall officials, bank clerks, doctors and priests to cancel his death from their registers. ---------------------------- This is, of course, a sign of great and awesome portent. Soon all the old celebrities will pop back up and we'll have Fred Astair & Ginger Rogers dancing again, John Wayne making films about Iraq, and the old grandparents from the Waltons. All thanks to the OTISians of course. The pope must be working overtime for all these miracles and things. =========================================================================== NEWS OF THE WEIRD =========================================================================== Date: 23 Jul 91 18:54:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Subject: NOTW, as usual Grim humor from "Weird Undertaker Stories": In Palermo, Italy, the funeral of Antonio Percelli was halted when Percelli, mistakenly declared dead, climbed out of the casket. Percelli's move so startled his mother that she died on the spot of a heart attack, & was buried later at the gravesite that had been ordered for Percelli. A New Jersey police chief was accused of ordering the opening of a grave because he had realized that he had loaned the grieving family a hat for the casket- viewing but had not gotten it back after the funeral. And from "Unusual Weapons": In Bedford TX, a 16-yr-old boy and 2 companions held up a 7-11 convenience store in 1984, brandishing only a snake. They made off with 3 6-packs of beer as the clerk wrestled with the biting but nonpoisonous garter snake the youths tossed at him. A 52-yr-old woman in Albany, NY successfully warded off a young man intent on taking her purse, striking him repeatedly with a hot fudge sundae she had just purchased at an ice-cream parlor. The following has been seen on the net and in this distribution list quite some time ago, from sources other than the official News of the Weird... but bears repeating, I think: In Birmingham, Alabama, a man was convicted of assault and battery after hitting his wife over the head repeatedly with their 1-1/2 lb. chihuahua during a domestic dispute. And, as long as we're talking violence and death here, these are from the chapter called "Spectacular Suicide Attempts": Nino Placenza, 75, tried to kill himself in Bradenton, FL in 1983 by drilling a hole in his head with a power drill, but only wound up in intensive care. A London man survived successive suicide attempts that involved driving his car head-on at 70mph into a bridge embankment & grabbing a 132,000-volt power line. Another Briton, from Taunton, failed in 7 attempts to kill himself after break- ing up with his girlfriend in 1987. He threw himself at a total of 4 cars & 1 truck, jumped out of a window, & tried to strangle himself. One of the car drivers suffered a heart attack, & 2 policemen were injured trying to restrain the man. A Lincoln, NE man was unsuccessful in his suicide attempt. He had dropped, respectively, a telephone, a radio, an electric fan, & a toaster into his bathtub while bathing. A 17-yr-old bodybuilder leaped 135 feet from the San Mateo Bridge in CA, intend- ing to commit suicide, but when the leap failed to kill him, he swam 1/2 a mile to an embankment, fell asleep, then woke the next morning & climbed a maintenance ladder under the bridge back to retrieve his truck, which had just been towed away in preparation for rush-hour traffic. [And some successes from the same chapter:] Doris Kennedy, 38 weeks pregnant, hanged herself to death in her London apart- ment in 1985 because of depression resulting from construction delays to the new baby's bathroom. Roh Ki-hwa, 34, a Seoul housewife, hanged herself to death in 1987 because she was embarrassed at her failure to prepare her husband's lunch on schedule during a company picnic. She had forgotten to set her watch ahead 1 hour for the May 10 changeover to daylight savings time, Korea's first such changeover in 25 years, & was thus 1 hour late in making the meal. A 38-yr-old Orland Park, IL man, distraught over an argument with his girlfriend about buying drapes, killed himself by cutting a hole in his waterbed, sticking his head through it and drowning himself. A man, about 35 years old but carrying no identification, shopping at a Phoenix pawn shop, asked the clerk if he could plug in a 10" circular saw to test it before purchasing it, then committed suicide by practically cutting his head off. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Steph (StephK on IRC) "Walk lightly in your dreams; kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu They might come true for you tomorrow." -- Kirsty McColl Stephanie Klein "This country 'tis of them not me, 123 S. Madison And I spit when they tell me I'm free." LaGrange, IL 60525 -- Pimentos for Gus -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ========================================================================== REVELATIONS OF A SOG ========================================================================== Revelations of a SOG by Stewy Huge women were lying on the floor of a large gym, breathing in an erratic manner, yelping from pain and screaming at their husbands, boyfriends or whomever they could get to come to the class and show some shower of support. "No way, I'm not going in there," Shark told herself and started to walk out of the door but was somehow drawn back and found herself sprawled on the floor, leaning against the wall and holding a small teddy bear. "Damn you Gepherie, I'll get you for this one you sleathing, good-for-nothing bastard!" She held the white teddy bear in her strong hands, squeezed its neck as if it were the Pope's head and an apparition appeared. "Breath Shark, breath. In and out, in and out, just like normal, but you like gotta do it a little faster and all." It was Stewy and Rev, an image of each one in the eyes of the teddy bear and they weren't looking like a summer's day. "Guys, hey, glad you could make it. This lamaz shit is for the fucking ducks, I'm telling you. I mean shit, look at all these fat women and I still look the same as I did before I got pregnant, yet DAMN those occasional kicks." She peered closer into the eyes of the teddy bear and glanced around at all the people to make sure they weren't watching her. Most of the women were too busy breathing and screaming to notice Shark's little display of a minor aberration. "Sheesh, you two don't look so good. What's up?" Shark asked in between breaths as she found herself becoming slightly dizzy. "We've had a few problems, but nothing that won't be fixed in a jiffy. Code Purple-Level One," both Rev and Stewy said and disappeared. With that, Shark hopped up from her mat and flew out of the gym door, jumped into her compact car, put the teddy bear in the passenger seat and strapped it in safely and blared AC/DC on the way home. Mal sat on the submarine ship amongst an array of flashing disco lights, drinking a large chocolate Slim Fast and chatting with Commodore Presley when Stewy and Rev appeared in the candle. "Psst, like hey, yo Mal, over here," they said. Their images were overlapped, but Mal could tell who was who with no effort at all. "Well hello there. My, you two look like you've had a rough day. You haven't disobeyed any of the gods, now have you?" Mal said with a whisper and stared into the candle, stopping for a moment to glance around the room and take a swig of his straight-up Slim Fast. "Listen Mal, we've run into a few problems and we're gonna need some help. Code Purple-Level One," they said and vanished. Mal returned to his quarters with the Commander, closed the door and placed the candle on the floor in the middle of the room. They meditated for a moment, and Mal flipped his long bangs back so he could see what was going on and sat on the floor Indian-style and waited for the next message. Shark arrived at her place, with Steph in hand, after a miraculous rescue from members of the evil Optima Plan. They went to Shark's personal hideout in a shed out in the small backyard of her parents' Wisconsin home, closed the door and a small light from the ceiling turned on. Shark pushed one of the levers hidden behind several rakes and brooms and a small platform raised up from the ground. A few seconds later, they found themselves underground in a top secret OTISian office that Shark had built months ago in an effort to keep all OTISian doings a secret. "Like wow, what the heck is all this stuff?" Steph asked, dusting off her Chucks that aided in her life being miraculously saved. "Well, I'm the security advisor, I have to have all this security stuff around, ya know. We can decode that information from the NOTW clippings and get it sent to the rest of the crew, but we got a special meeting coming up right around now," Shark said, staring at her high-tech digital watch that doubled for a poisonous water squirter. They sat on two old stools and lit a special OTISian candle with special OTISian matches that were flown in from Massachusetts somewhere. Smoke began to fill the room and images of all the presidential campaign OTISian members were visible except for the Rev and Stewy. "Oh, and just WHO the hell is gonna pay for my Mac?" Stewy sobbed, staring at a mutilated glob of melting plastic. "It'll be taken care of. You're a SOG, remember?" Rev said as he was grabbing all the Chucks and placing them together to form a star. "It's time," he said and lit a candle. Images of Mal, Humpy, Commander Presley, Shark and Steph were all visible. "OK, listen up. We've got a problem," the Rev said. "Optima Plan is getting closer and we need the information like now. I've decoded Samhill's messages and we need the info from Steph." Shark removed the clippings from their casing and punched away at the special OTISian computer for a few minutes before coming back to the candle. "I've got it and it's weird...very weird. I'll need a little more time to check things out, work around some of the weirder coding and I should have it all within an hour or so," Shark said into the smokey mist. Mal removed Humpy from his shirt pocket and put his ear to Humpy's mouth and listened to every word with such care. "Humpy says something is up. Something is gonna happen soon, but she doesn't know what it is or when it'll happen. I think we need those codes cracked like right away," Mal said with a serious look on his face and put Humpy back into her home, resting somberly near Mal's heart. On the night stand next to Mal's cot was Humpy's chariot, a blue 'irregular' Converse All-Star. "OK, we need all the pieces to the puzzle before we can see the big picture, so send me the info as soon as you got it figured out, Shark," Rev said as he stared at one of the holes in the apartment that was allowing sunlight to peek into Stewy's pad. Stewy's SOG powers were feeling an odd disturbance, but she shook it off to concentrate on the candle's smoke. Now was not the time for outside influences. "Stewy, I'm feeling something weird. Something really weird," Steph said. "It's my newly acquired SOG powers telling me something and I'm kinda scared." "I know, I'm feeling it too, but I don't know what it is and I haven't time for this. I'm scheduled to do my press speech in ten minutes over at the stadium," Stewy said feeling a tingle along her spine. "Well ok, let's get back together in two hours and compare notes," Rev said as he stood up and stared out the holes again. The images faded and the candle went out. Shark went about her business typing away at the computer, Steph stood beside her watching, and the Commander and Mal were preparing for the upcoming events. Mal walked over to the closet, opened a special box marked 'COMBAT MATERIAL' and strapped on his jungle boots in a matter of seconds. "Listen Rev, my SOG powers are acting up and so are Steph's. Something bad's gonna happen, so I'm going to have to temporarily make you a SOG member until I can consult with Stewy the Vice President in Charge of Membership and see what the deal is. But this is only TEMPORARILY, so don't go like getting all happy or anything." A big smile appeared on the Rev's face and he was rubbing his hands together like this was a big thing. "But...you need CHUCKS and since we ain't got time to got get like size 15 or anything, I'm gonna have to let you borrow a pair of mine," Stew said walking to her closet to find a pair she had planned on throwing away so she could cut the toe portion off so his foot might fit, but she couldn't bare to part with any. "Hmm, I can't do it. I just can't I tell you, but I'll like let you put your big toe in one of them, so you can like at least get the vibes and all." "Damn, just when I thought I was gonna like become a real member," Rev said putting his big toe into one of the shoes. He held his green hand, waved it about a little and WHAM, the Mac was fixed. "I'll just work on this code stuff till you get done with the speech." "SHIT, how the hell did you do that? Holy buckets, my Mac, it's like back," Stewy shouted with an overwhelming amount of joy. "This had BETTER qualify me for SOG material now," he said with a grin. Stewy walked out of the apartment building, hopped into her car and headed for the stadium. She kept feeling an odd disturbance, but with the Rev temporarily having SOG powers and Steph being an official member, there was no need to worry yet. *** to be continued *** ========================================================================== MORE NEWS FROM HONGKONG ========================================================================== Date: Fri, 26 Jul 1991 13:35 HKT From: Spode Subject: a few tidbits from Hongkong] South China Morning Post - 23 July 1991 [3-column wide photograph of man with massively bandaged ring finger of left hand not included] Australian trade union boss Frank Belan nurses his finger after the top of it was bitten off during a heated discussion in West Sydney. Mr. Belan, New South Wales secretary of the National Union of Workers, said he was having talks with the Transport Workers' Union when he was attacked by members of the other team. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 23 July 1991 _Flying Visit_ Mr Mike Murad, boss of the International Bank of Asia, won many hearts with his response to the recent bank-run crisis. He took out a full-page advertisement in this newspaper thanking loyal customers, and saying "we understand" to the panicky ones who believed false rumours. Today he is planning to personally visit 17 branches of his bank. His staff have worked out his schedule to the second, including socialising times and traveling times to Central, Sha Tin, Tsuen Wan and so on. He will have precisely eight minutes to check out the staff at each of the 17 branches. Clearly he is going to give new meaning to the term "bank run". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- South China Morning Post - 18 July 1991 Gourmet's gallop ... well done, the management of the Horse and Groom pub in Lockhart Road, Wan Chai. There doesn't seem to be a single spelling mistake in the items listed in this menu (above), which is a real achievement in Hongkong. What a pity they got their own name wrong on the cover ... [the photo above show the menu cover, declaring "The Hores & Groom Pub & Restaurant".] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- South China Morning Post - 16 July 1991 _Achatina Fulica_ [photograph of three snails (and a human) left out - one snail was roughly 1" long and 1/2-1" high; the other was roughly 7-10" long and 4-6" high; the third was another small one, tucked into its shell sand riding on top of the big one.] Australian quarantine officer Dennis Griffin keeps an eye on an [sic] Giant African Snail, or Achatine Fulica, which dwarfs a couple of common garden snails. Ten of the giant snails, banned in Australia, were brought into the country by a Nigerian woman who claimed she was going to eat them. They will be killed later this week. Members of the species weigh almost half-a-kilogram each and as hermaphrodites able to lay 1,200 eggs a year are the most sexually prolific snails in the world. For example, in 1975, one of the snails was found in American Samoa. By August 1980, authorities there found 21 million of the snails. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 16 July 1991 _Sweet and Sour_ The Hongkong Government, long searching for a way of widening the tax base, should consider what California did yesterday: introduced a Munchy Tax. This is a rise in the sales tax applied to items in an 87-page compendium of snacks and sweets. This must be the first time any document from a tax office has listed items such as "Rain Blo Neon Gum Shipper" and "Pink Peeps". "We are not happy campers," said Don Beaver, head of the 8,000-member California Grocers Association, bitter understatement oozing from every pore. "There are 4,000 different items [on the list] and we asked the State that if they were going to do it, do it all, don't have exemptions. But nooo, nothing's easy any more," he groaned. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- _Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 22 July 1991 _Local cabbies use a little spit and polish_ Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money for a taxi ride from the Conrad hotel to Mid-Levels. But this was a ride with a bit extra. Our driver had taken to heart the suggestion that taxi-drivers should try to make a bit of cash on the side by using their cars as mobile shops. But since there is not much room in a cab, he had opted for a small- volume, high-cost product: bird spit. He had a perspex unit built onto the dashboard displaying six lumps of solidified swallow's saliva, the main ingredient in bird's nest soup. "One kilo costs [HK]$10,000 to $15,000," he said, handing a lump of white-ish gooey stuff over his shoulder for us to fondle. This grandiose gunge comes from nests in the cracks of mountains in Indonesia and makes your face more beautiful, as well as prolonging your life. The driver's firm, Hing Tat Co, also offers a high-speed delivery service for people in urgent need of swallow's saliva. If you place an order for an eight of a catty or more, they promise delivery within two hours. Since it would be jolly hard to find the same taxi driver again, passengers are urged to make a decision on the journey or take a telephone number. It seems to us that all they need now is a catchy slogan. Saliva Arriva? Spitball Express? Gobspeed? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- South China Morning Post - 16 July 1991 _Sinatra still calling his own tune_ Getting an audience with Frank Sinatra is never an easy task for a reporter. Given Sinatra's rocky track record with journalists, the chances of prising anything revealing out of him would seem difficult if not impossible. Writer Walter Thomas certainly learned his lesson when he tried to write a story on Sinatra for _Interview_ magazine. The entertainer came up with five conditions before he'd even agree to open his mouth for Thomas. -He would talk only before his show in New Jersey and only during his stroll from the dressing room to the stage. -The journalist would wait for him in a hallway under the supervision of a security guard. -He would agree to applaud Sinatra when he entered the hallway. -He would not ask the singer for an autograph. -The resulting story would use the name of a liqour manufacturer sponsoring the singer's tour. The longest quote Thomas got was when Sinatra asked a minder: "Are we going to the car now?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- South China Morning Post - 19 July 1991 _Dateline New York: Coming out with the bald truth_ -by Charles Bremmer [reprinted without permission] For the past two years, some prominent Americans have lived in fear of being "outed". This is the controversial technique, practiced by Queer Nation and other militant homosexual groups, of exposing "closet gays". Film stars, politicians, television journalists and prominent doctors and businessmen have featured on lists posted around New York and published in magazines such as _Outweek_. That city weekly has just closed as a result of feuding among the editors, but the militants of Queer Nation have promised to fight on to reveal the homosexuality of certain "politicians and Pentagon spokesmen". Now a different militant group has latched on to the same logic. The Bald Urban Liberation Brigade (Bulb) has informed New York news- papers that it is embarking on "a radical media campaign to wrest the toupees from the chrome domes of America's leading celebrities". Bulb has already begun pasting up "Absolutely Bald" posters which seem to be modeled on the Absolutely Queer ones circulated by the homosexuals. The first victims include Ted Danson, the film star and macho barman in _Cheers_, the most popular show on American television, as well as Charles Bronson and Larry Hagman. The stigma of hair loss seems to remain as strong as ever, despite the efforts of the new "sensitivity police" to expunge discriminatory thinking and speech. The hirsute should, we are told, avoid referring to baldness as such and use instead the term "follically challenged". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From the Pittsburgh (either 7/13 or 7/14) Press: Word 'icon' misused "I was appalled at the use of the word 'icon' in your July 9 article on computers. Being a member of the Antiochian Orthodox Church of North America, in which 'icon' is a sacred word, I was amazed to see the use of the word pertaining to pictures of pencils, paper, printers, etc. But, then the word 'gay' has been misused in today's society." Michael Cross Carnegie, PA Does this mean that a PC running windows is not PC ? [This is perhaps related to the strange feeling I get whenever I mount my hard disk. -Your Moderator] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- this one is a bit twisted. It was sent to me by someone living in Knox County, Ohio - where I lived for nine years. Just hit delete if it offends you too much... You may be a Know County Redneck if ............ ...you have more than three shirts with cut off sleeves. ...you have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. ...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. ...you show someone your belt buckle when they ask to see your I.D. ...your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips as she tells the patrolman to kiss her fat ass. ...your dog and your wallet are both attached to a chain. ...your dog gags watching you eat your dinner. ...your brother-in-law is also your uncle. ...your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. ...you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls. ...you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. ...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. ...you've had to scratch your sister's name off a restroom wall. ...your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. ...your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. ...Copenhagen sends you a Christmas card. [Copenhagen chewing tobacco -ed.] ...your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. ...you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. ...the directions to your house include "hang a left at the gravel road." ...you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. ...your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. ...after making love you ask your date to roll down the window. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- South China Morning Post - 4 July 1991 _Dateline Beijing: A dog's life on the run in the city_ by Andrew Browne [reprinted without permission] The scruffy mongrels in the Beijing animal shelter, some snarling and angry, some eager for affection, have one thing in common: they have all been rescued from China's "dog-beating squads". It was here that Xiao Zhang brought her pet after four policemen burst into her apartment one recent afternoon intent on beating it to death. "Two of the policemen pinned me down while the other two lashed out at my dog with iron bars," she said. "Somehow I managed to wriggle free, grabbed the dog and clasped it tightly against my chest." The policemen left only after she promised to have the dog destroyed herself. "My poor pet had a red welt over one eye. She was shaking with terror and crying, just like a person." Stories like this are common in Beijing these days, where killing squads have stepped up their campaign to rid the capital of dogs under the slogans "Eliminate the Dog Pest" and "Exterminate Dogs to Prevent Illness". Rabies has become a serious health problem in parts of China, along with other diseases spread by dogs. In Xiao Zhang's case, armed policemen barged into the home of a young woman to kill a pet, a ball of fluff no bigger than a miniature poodle, which had been her friend and companion for two years. After sneaking her dog across Beijing and into the animal shelter, Xiao Xhang - a pseudonym she asked be used to protect her identity - was called into her local police station and interrogated for an entire afternoon. "They call themselves policemen," she said bitterly. "They're no better than gangsters." The animal shelter is run by an elderly Beijing woman affectionately known as "Dog Mother". Because its location must remain a secret from authorities, it is forced to move from suburb to suburb to prevent betrayal by local residents. It is a roving menagerie of cats and kittens, dogs and puppies that has now found temporary shelter in a traditional Beijing courtyard home. Behind bolted iron gates, the dogs are packed into tiny brick kennels in the open courtyard surrounded on three sides by rooms of the house and on the fourth by a high wall that keeps out prying eyes, but cannot muffle the tell-tale barking. "It's just inhumane," said the elderly woman, describing how she rescued the dogs from the beating squads, who usually summon the owner and a large crowd of neighbors on to the street before stuffing the animals into sacks and bludgeoning them. "It breaks the hearts of young people to watch. And just imagine the feelings of the owner. It's plain uncivilized. How can people be so cruel?" she asked. According to Chinese press reports, the number of dogs has soared in the countryside since 1979 under economic reforms that have enriched the peasants. Although many urban Chinese keep dogs as treasured pets, albeit cooped up inside their homes for fear of discovery, attitudes towards dogs in China are at best ambivalent. A recent article in the _Farmer's Daily_, listing the uses of dogs, started out by noting that dog skin sheets absorbed moisture and prevented rheumatism. Dog skin whips produced a pleasing crack and dog flesh was the sweetest meat. "Apart from their nutritional value," the article concluded, "dogs can provide excellent entertainment." - R E U T E R - ========================================================================== SO YOU WANT TO SUBMIT TO PURPS ========================================================================== Over the past while since I've been editing this ugly monster, one question that keeps popping up is: "What the Hell am I supposed to Submit!" I generally answer: "Oh what Otis inspires you to create." For some reasons this statement seems to be throwing people off balance. So it seemed like high time I whacked out a little something about what we seem to be looking for in purps. Glancing over a typical of Purps, should tell you what we are looking for. We're looking for weird news first off. We seem to get a lot of that. It's neat stuff and rather popular but it's mostly filler material. If you can do weird news, that's good. However we need other stuff. We need Otis sightings. The Otisians need to begin creating a comprehensive database of Otis manifestations throughout the universe. We need a directory and possibly a Map of where all there manifestations can be found, so that you as an Otisian can visit all these spots. If you can't think of any other spots well the take a trip to Otis Mass. and look around. There are plenty of mysterious happens there to write about. Another thing we need is more scripture. We need to fight fire with fire. When those rabid Christians come pounding on your door wouldn't it be nice to whip out your Otisian tome and floor them with more divine wisdom than they can share a stick at? Think of the fun you'll have when these rabid Christians begin to expound on sin, and you can flip through your Otisian tome and point with a steady finger at the famous verse "Everything Forbidden in Optional". Think of the look on their faces. Another thing we can use are stories and other weird incidents. We need Otis parables of modern life. We need little entertaining antidotes that teach the lessor informed Otisian the true meaning of following in the light of Otis. We need articles on Chucks. We need full blown stories. We have a hand full now but we can always use more. We need testimonials of Otisian faith. It's time you spoke out about what Otis has done for your life. Put it down on the computer and send it in. We'll print it. Still I suppose most of all we just need more people to participate. We don't really have a enough now. We have a handful of regular contributors. We need to hear from the silent majority. Otis is not a religion for the passive. Stop behaving like some damn Christian and submit something! Otis will bless you 1000 fold for your time. ========================================================================== MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD ========================================================================== Date: 26 Jul 91 10:33:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Subject: NOTW From the chapter entitled "From the Police Blotter": "Hero," Tom & Priscilla Nelson burglar-scaring robot, which cost Nelson $1500 & 250 hours' work to make, was stolen from their Arlington, VA home while they were on vacation. Hero, who had been programmed to tell burglars that he had just called police, was later found in Washington DC in the backseat of a stolen car, partly disassembled & with dead batteries. A 350-lb man attempted to rob a Long Island jeweler with a gun, but before the loot was handed to him, he tripped & fell & was unable to get back to his feet before the police arrived. 2 men with guns fired a total of 12 shots at each other at point-blank range in a Cleveland apartment in 1984, but no one was injured. Police speculated that the men, aged 76 & 77, missed because one had glaucoma & the other had to prop himself up with a cane each time before firing. Security officers at Forbes Field near Topeka, KS were forced to shoot 2 dogs who were mating on a runway in 1987 shortly before President Reagan's plane was scheduled to land. The officers said the dogs, which resisted earlier attempts by security officers to uncouple them, posed a danger to Reagan's plane. Sheriff's deputies on a stakeout in Gainesville, FL diligently watched, for 17 consecutive days, a motorcycle they had planted as a target in hopes of catching an elusive burglar, but during 1 officer's 2-minute restroom break, the cycle was stolen. A 22-yr-old man was robbed on a Yonkers, NY street while he was dressed as a woman. According to police, the victim initially yielded $10 to the robbers, but 1 became angry & reached into the victim's bra, where he found another $20. Police approached & the 2 robbers fled, but 1 of them was captured when he ran into a street sign & collapsed. When Donald McGarity was run over by an unidentified driver in the Sacramento, CA area, highway patrol officers arriving on the scene found McGarity's hand locked in a "derogatory" hand gesture. According to the coroner, McGarity's spinal column was severed by the collision, thus causing the body to freeze into the position it assumed when hit. Near Pine Ridge Village in South Dakota, a Sioux named Warrior was sentenced to 6 months in prison for assaulting another Indian, Bruce Pipe on Head, by hitting him on the head with a pipe. Warrior was found guilty of a second count, also-- hitting Pipe on Head on the arm with a pipe. ========================================================================== ELVIS DOES IT AGAIN ========================================================================== [Due to the King's shoe string budget. Once again he had to go on the road seeking money. This time around alert secretary Dana Kilpatrick caught him in the act. "Dog gone embarrassing", the King was said to say. Maybe this will encourage you to help support Commodore Project so this will not happen in the future.] ELVIS PHOTOGRAPHED-DAYS AGO! By Marcus Johans (From WWN 8/13/91 "the only news that's fit to read") Thousand of people claim to have seen Elvis Presley since his alleged death in 1977 but secretary Dana Kilpatrick actually snapped a picture of him outside a movie theater in St. Louis just days ago-- on July 19th! Unlike previous photos that were alleged to have been taken after the singer's "death". Mrs. Kilpatrick's picture is well composed, in focus and unquestionably Elvis. Photo experts confirm that the negative and prints have not been altered or retouched in any way. The picture itself shows the King standing in front of a ticket booth that advertises the 1991 movie hits "Silence of the Lambs" and "Truth or Dare." "Elvis is alive and this is the indisputable proof that we've been looking for," said William Stern, who has investigated over 2,000 Elvis sightings and written extensively on The King since 1977. "It's just a matter of time before he goes public and explains why he faked his death. A dozen photo analysts looked at the picture and agree that it's authentic." Mrs. Kilpatrick, 54, was on her way to the supermarket when she spotted Elvis pacing in front of a movie theater at a strip mall around 9 a.m. on July 19. Her son's camera just happened to be on the seat of her car so she parked, got out and snapped a single picture before the singer had time to react. After the initial shock of being spotted, "Elvis smiled and told me that I just about scared him to death," said the woman. "My hands were trembling and I wanted to apologize but the words wouldn't come out. I finally blurted "Elvis!" and even though the theater was closed and nobody else was around he hushed me up fast. "He said: 'Not so loud, darlin'. I've got a few things to do before Elvis comes back to life.'" "An instant later a powder blue Olds 98 pulled up to the curb and stopped while Elvis jumped in the backseat," said Mrs. Kilpatrick. "I was in shock," continued Mrs. Kilpatrick. "There are so many things I could have said, so many questions I could have asked, but all I did was take one picture and stand there speechless." Stern said: "There's been an unprecedented wave of Elvis activity in the past three months but this encounter is the clincher. "I've said it before and I'll say it again -- Elvis is tired of hiding and plans to go public before the year is out." [Side line little article] WE TOLD YOU THE KING WAS ALIVE -- IN 1988 Dana Kilpatrick's mind-numbing photograph of Elvis proves that the faked his death in 1977 and is still alive today but it is no big surprise to those who follow The News. News readers knew the truth three long years ago thanks to our block-buster 1988 report: ELVIS IS ALIVE! The story was based on the then-obscure book by Gail Giorgio and was publish in the May 24, 1988 edition of The News. We followed it up with a series of world exclusive stories on The King including ELVIS' TOMB IS EMPTY and NEW WAVE OF ELVIS SIGHTINGS, which appeared in the July. The report centered on people who claim to have seen and spoken with Elvis between May and June, not the least of which was waitress Bonnie Johnson-- who says The King gave her the keys to a 1988 Cadillac Fleetwood Broughham after the met in a Corpus Christi diner in on June 1. ========================================================================= NAKED DURING SEX ========================================================================== Date: Sun, 28 Jul 1991 22:02 HKT From: Spode Subject: I wonder if this in the US edition, too? - A truly great quote... _Newsweek_ - The International Edition - published in Hong Kong "This is quite different from how it used to be, suggesting that with the reform and opening policies, people are more liberal about sex." -Shanghai sociologist Liu Dalin, on a new study that found that 60 percent of Chinese surveyed were "often or sometimes" naked during sex. ========================================================================== BABY WITH THE BATH WATER ========================================================================== From: lnds@sherlock.mmid.ualberta.ca (Mark Israel) Subject: Baby in washing machine Date: 30 Jul 91 09:41:34 GMT People will soon be calling this an urban legend, so let's record the precise occurrence: "A maid accidentally killed a one-year-old baby in China after trying to bathe him in a washing machine, an official newspaper reported. "The incident occurred last month in the far west region of Xinjiang at the home of Aierguma and his wife Pahe'erguli, the _People's Public Security News_ reported. "The couple was at home on their lunch break when the child's mother taught their 16-year-old maid how to do the laundry in the machine. 'After finishing the washing, don't forget to bathe the baby', the newspaper quoted the father as saying as the parents left." -- The Edmonton Journal, 29 July 1991 Mark Israel I have heard the Wobble! userisra@mts.ucs.ualberta.ca ========================================================================== MORE HONGKONG ========================================================================== Date: Sun, 28 Jul 1991 21:59 HKT From: Spode Subject: Saturday was a good day for stuff in the P.S. Column here! _P.S._ - The South China Morning Post - 28 July 1991 _History Makes News_ With Typhoon Brendan heading full pelt towards the territory on Tuesday night it was heart-warming to see TVB Pearl [a local television station -ed] keeping us bang up to date on the latest developments. Viewers who tuned in to the channel's 9:30pm newscast saw a drenched Andrew Brown telling them, among other things, of the departure time of the last ferry to Cheung Chau and the revised take-off slot for a British Airways flight to London. Pity, then, that the Cheung Chau ferry had sailed at 7:30pm and the BA flight had already been in the air for half an hour. For some reason Pearl decided to simply repeat the piece Brown had filed for the station's 7:15pm bulletin when the information he provided could be termed news. Sadly, by 9:30 pm, it was history. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- _P.S._ - The South China Morning Post - 28 July 1991 _Satisfaction Guaranteed_ Perhaps the name of the Bonham Road establishment should have served as a warning, but _P.S._ could not resist the temptation to walk in to Squiffy hair salon for a quick trim the other day. The giggling proprietress said that, yes, she had liked the sound of the word even before she knew what it meant. But she had looked it up in the dictionary and she thought it would be just the thing for her happy haircutting business. The dictionary came up with the conventional definition of "pleasantly drunk", of course. But apparently it also said Squiffy meant "quite satisfied" - which is how one probably would feel under the circumstances. And what more could one ask of a haircut? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- _P.S._ - The South China Morning Post - 28 July 1991 _Booked by the Yard_ The Island Shangri-La Hotel would like you to feel it has spared no expense in making even the most intellectually demanding guests feel at home. It has installed a large and tastefully furnished library in its atrium and stacked it to the ceiling with the classics of literature and philosophy, all beautifully bound to add to the sober and studious atmosphere of the room. Not all is quite as it seems, however. On first inspection, the hotel appears to have followed the time honored stately-home tradition of buying its books by the yard. But on closer inspection each yard may be discovered to consist of a series of volumes all bearing exactly the same name, while the leather binding looks too flat and shiny to be real. Sure enough, _P.S._'s attempt to remove one of the books from the shelf brought all the sister volumes with it. The whole thing was a cleverly disguised cardboard box. ========================================================================== FOOTBALL: RELIGIOUS RITE ========================================================================== From: damico@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (Bill D'Amico) Subject: cross-post from rec.humor Date: 23 Jul 91 21:09:43 GMT From: snoopy@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu Subject: FOOTBALL joke I don't know the original creator or poster and I'm not taking credit for this. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the struggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending winter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the first day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowls of plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses; fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worship and appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators. In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called "The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The convention of "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of the vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbath in every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers of population where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormous churches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares in size with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual development of the culture that produced them. Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these open-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet from sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism about to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Football obviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominates the entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous). The rites are performed on a green rectangular area orientated to the four directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with ominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. The white stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the four whistling monitors who control the services through a time period divided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons. The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites the thousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry in unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus theme of willingness to die for the love of mother. The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique, might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only with hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and protect the Egg. However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there are eleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The group in so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in an egg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerful meditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other. Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the Egg. In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line," seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might contend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimation of the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles of education." The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his hands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." The transposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easily explained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious posture assumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest, immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art, but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the "quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts, namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) the instinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros. Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hysterical worshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back. Behind him are three priests representing the male triad. At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of the members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force across the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down the enclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual. At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Solstice, the processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. After forming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and animal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiring far more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals from which it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wand of shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfully into the air, and with which she interweaves her body in most intricate gyrations. The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire service. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" following success of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across the last white line of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches, the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces in the earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, praying that "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed a dedicated ceremony. Michael aka SNOOPY@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU -- -bill d'Amico | The highest that a man can attain is to damico@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu | be able to do - Georg Gurdjieff ========================================================================== ROLLER COASTER OF DEATH ========================================================================== Date: Mon, 29 Jul 91 11:20:07 MDT From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: possible roller coaster UL From: fuhry@think.com (Debbie Fuhry) Subject: Re: Superlatives wanted! Date: 29 Jul 91 14:31:43 GMT How about the scariest story I've ever heard about a coaster? First, I've never found a roller coaster (or any ride, for that matter) which was too scary for me, but that's because I've always assumed they were in general, made to be safe, but not to feel that way :) Last night, though I heard about a R.C. that was new, and had been tested many times, but had never had people on it. On the first ride carrying passengers, they were all dead when it came back. Apparently the GForces around one of the turns had been powerful enough to break everyone's necks... Has anyone heard this? Is it true or does it belong in urban.folklore? Debbie Fuhry fuhry@think.com ========================================================================== AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD ========================================================================== Date: 29 Jul 91 19:53:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Subject: NOTW These are from the chapter "Uncategorically Weird": Officials at the Houston Zoo admitted that their coral snake was a rubber imitation. "We had live snakes in the exhibit, but they didn't do so well," said curator John Donaho. "They tend to die." Robert Kropinski of Philadelphia sued Transcendental Meditation groups where he spent 11 years as a student & teacher, claiming he suffered psychological disorders as a result of never having achieved the "perfect state of life" the group promised. The 36-yr-old real-estate manager said, for example, that the groups had told him he would be taught to "fly" through self-levitation, but all he learned to do was "hop with the legs folded in the lotus position." A construction company in Saipan, Northern Marianas, placed a notice in the local newspaper after 1 of its flashing amber warning lights was stolen from a road construction site on March 28, 1984. Noting that the lights were necessary to warn motorists of the excavation so they could avoid an accident, the company said it was removing "the remaining warning lights and we are not going to install them again unless we are sure they will not be stolen." And from "Wrong Arm of the Law": In Atlanta, a daring thief stole $8900 worth of cameras & accessories from an exhibit booth at a convention for crime-detection experts. His getaway was delayed by having to pretend to be a salesman and give a 45-minute sales pitch to a security guard who had seen him walking off with the goods. Police in Tulsa, responding to an emergency call that a man was holding a woman at knifepoint, surrounded the wrong house. The man was in the house next door. He tried several times to surrender, but the police, thinking he was just a nosy neighbor, kept ordering him back inside. After about an hour, a newspaper photographer who lived nearby alerted police to their mistake. In Florida, Dade County & Jacksonville officials discovered that their new $34 million jail was being built with 195 cells-- but no cell doors. Michael Berg, city-county director of jails & prisons, said he wasn't sure how the oversight occurred but that there was money to pay the extra $1.5 million to have the doors added. And at the Ontario County Jail in Canandaigua, NY, installation of new cell doors was halted when officials discovered the bars were too far apart & prisoners could slip through them. Undercover police in Pompano Beach, FL, arranged to sell 2 lbs. of cocaine. The buyers turned out to be undercover officers from the Ft. Lauderdale police. Police in Van Nuys, CA arrested Dennis John Alston on charges of forging checks, then released him when he posted bail with a $1500 cashier's check. It turned out to be a forgery. Police in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, raided their own Christmas party for not having a license to serve liquor. Tommy Cribbs, the sheriff of Dyer County, TN, was arrested in Van Buren, MO, after police noticed his car in the parking lot of a local motel. A car of that description had been used in the theft of 2 sheep from a nearby farm. Officers who were questioning people at the motel were led to Cribbs after a sheep was thrown from the window of his room. ========================================================================== POLISH FOLK MAGICK ========================================================================== From: jacobus@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Bryan J. Maloney) Subject: Re: Polish Folk Magic? Pagan Religion?? Date: 29 Jul 91 18:10:21 GMT I have read of Polish rituals dedicated to "Mati-Surya-Zemlya" [sic] which involved circling a village with a rope soaked in butter and then having all the girls and women of a village circle the village several times. Any man they found during this ritual was to be torn to pieces. Supposedly, some Polish villages actually used this ritual during WWII to protect themselves from the Germans. I don't know about the authenticity of the ritual, and the tearing to pieces sounds rather Maenidish to me. ========================================================================== AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD ========================================================================== Date: 31 Jul 91 21:22:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Subject: NOTW From the chapter "Order in the Court": Edna Evon Sims filed a lawsuit in Columbia, South Carolina, against the maker of 2 hair-care products after a 1988 incident in which, while standing at a bus stop on a 96-degree day, her hair suddenly burst into flames. A passing police officer moved quickly to put out the fire, but Sims claimed to have suffered permanent disfigurement. When shooting victim Kenneth Donaldson was asked to walk about a Detroit court- room & "identify" his alleged assailant from among courtroom spectators, he wandered until his eyes fixed on a man in the last row. He said, "That's him," then reached over 2 seats & slugged the man in the face. The prosecutor then said, "I ask that the record reflect that the complainant has just identified the defendant." Milwaukee County Circuit Judge Clarence Parrish could have given a 10-year sentence to the man before him after an admission that the man had had sex with his 12-yr-old stepdaughter & had fathered 2 children by another stepdaughter, but the judge awarded him only probation (for 4-1/2 years) because he thought the man was God-fearing. Parrish had asked the man during sentencing who was the author of the Book of Revelation, & the man's correct answer ("John") may have swayed the judge. Patricia Tinerella, 25, was awarded $2660 in back pay from her Omaha employer for a 1983 incident in which she was fired. The firm claimed she performed inadequately, but the state equal employment opportunity commission found that she was fired because her 40-inch bust distracted co-workers & that she had declined to follow her employer's suggestions on how to deemphasize what the commission called an "immutable characteristic." A court in Tel Aviv ordered a 16-yr-old girl to stop walking around her house naked after complaints by her 80-yr-old stepfather. The man accused her & her mother of trying to induce him to have a heart attack so they could inherit his fortune. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Steph (StephK on IRC) "If we do not succeed, then we run kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle Stephanie Klein "Everything forbidden is optional." 123 S. Madison --standard Otisian dogma LaGrange, IL 60525 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ========================================================================== WALT FROZEN ========================================================================== [Of course our sources from TMINGH confirm that the bellow letter is part of a smoke screen campaign adopted by Walt Disney World in a effort to hide the real truth of what happened to Walt. Walt is not dead. He's back from the grave. His creative talents harnessed to the forces of evil on this planet.] From: mikkelson@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes) Subject: Walt Disney Frozen? Date: 26 JUL 91 12:08:00 Chalk up another one for the FAQ! I recently received this letter from Disneyland Guest Relations: Dear Mr. Mikkelson: Thank you for your recent inquiry and interest in Disneyland. In response to your question, the "legend" you cite has some elements of truth to it. Walt Disney's *brain* (emphasis theirs) is stored in a cryogenic container located beneath the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction, awaiting future revival. The rest of his body, however, was cremated. Thank you for your interest in Disneyland. We hope you have a chance to visit soon and that your stay is an enjoyable one. Contact our office if you wish to arrange a guided tour of the cryogenics area. Regards, Felix Stassen Guest Relations ========================================================================== THE FINAL WORLD FROM NEWS OF THE WEIRD ========================================================================== [Yep this is it. The end. This is the farewell message from Steph and News of the Weird. Once again one of our most treasured followers is taking from the network. The electronic eyes poked. It's a sad thing when this happens, especially since Steph was a pretty neat all around type kinda persons, who was just beginning to really get into the inner wisdom of Otis. You might have noticed her appearance in a number of stories above. Hopefully she'll be back on line soon someway or somehow. If now I suppose we'll have to start a Steph fan club or something. Still it's very said she left. After all about half of filler material came from her and sad to say sometimes the only comments I'd get about purps would be about NOTW. Anyways I'd like to officially thank Steph for all the work she's down in the name of Otis. May Otis shower her with many blessings and may Brow never come to her house for dinner.] Date: 3 Aug 91 23:36:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Well everyone... The News of the Weird e-mail distribution is ending, at least for a while. I'm losing my Net access and am not sure when I'll get it again. Could be a few weeks, could be months. But for now, consider this a grand finale. For those of you who have missed my previous explanations, NOTW are news items that appear in normal, everyday newspapers-- NOT tabloids-- all over the country and the world. As far as the people who print it know, these papers have not written anything to recant these news items. NOTW is, by the way, to be found in a couple of books by Chuck Shepherd, John Kohut, & Roland Sweet, and in columns produced by these guys individually in random newspapers around the U.S. People who enjoy my NOTW mailings have to have a bizarre-- even morbid-- sense of humor. So here is a partial list that Shepherd and co. have collected from their news clippings (many of which, by the way, were sent to them for their 2nd book after the first one came out) of why people have killed other people recently. If you're squeamish, or have a lot of faith in the inherent goodness of human nature, stop reading now. Here goes: * which country, Korea or China, has the more pleasant lifestyle * why he should pick up toys around the house * obnoxiously switched TV channels * whether he and his wife should take a honeymoon cruise * refused to lend him her car * spare the mother the anguish of finding out that her daughter was murdered because she had refused to lend out her car * quality of the biscuits they were eating * child failed to get past "g" while reciting the alphabet * council members wouldn't do anything about his backed-up sewer * played a stereo too loud * used his driveway to turn her car around in * objected to his friend's being robbed of his Popsicle * criticized him for spitting into an ashtray at their nursing home * mayor turned him down for a car washing license * cursed during dinner at a friend's house * too slow making a left turn at a traffic light * made derogatory remarks about Jesus Christ * whether there would be enough meat loaf for everyone at dinner * thought she was responsible when their dog urinated on him * ownership of various items (tamale, Indian head penny, Playboy centerfolds, candy bar, pork chop, salami, hot dog, baseball cards, designer sweatpants, frozen fish) There's actually a lot more but I'm tired of typing. Hope this tides you over till I get the list going again! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Steph (StephK on IRC) "If we do not succeed, then we run kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle Stephanie Klein "Everything forbidden is optional." 123 S. Madison --standard Otisian dogma LaGrange, IL 60525 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ========================================================================== THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ========================================================================== --Subink 1991