***** ****** **** ** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ** ** ** ** The Summer Version of ***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ****** **** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** Yep looks the same but it ain't ================================================================ THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 25 ================================================================ "South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/43 Mitchell Grant Way/ Bedford, MA 01730-1264 =========================================================================== INTRO =========================================================================== Welcome to yet another shoot from the hip issue of Purps. This time around we seem to be missing a lot in the submissions department. This of course means that your editor has to shoot from the hip and come up with enough Otisian material to fill an issue. Well, we'll just have to see how it goes. First off in the News, according to the Pope, the 1-900 number is closer to becoming a reality. Dr. Simpson has let it be know, that he is looking for skilled diggers for his next expedition. At this time he is unable to disclose exactly where this dig is due to security reasons. Okay I'm done. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There are a few things in here that made me laugh even. Odd. Still this time around we have plenty of Otis for you. Hopefully in the near future we'll have even more. Even a report or two on the infamous British Yak Corps. that helped invade Tibet. Please note that the IGHF address has been changed above. This time around I didn't seem to get as many submissions as I got last time, but it still looks like we've got a block busters issue here. Three stories, count them. Plenty of Otisian wisdom for eveyone even. Inside you'll find: Lo-Quality Aliens Invade Earth A New Goddess for the Otisian Pantheon Overkill What a Thrill News of the Weird People Around the Country See Elvis on A Money Gathering Tour More News of the Weird World of Hitlers Horros Stalk Shopping Malls Optima Plan Part II Recipe Time: Exciting Dessert Stewy's Story Messenger of the Gods Part IV (I think) And Still More News of the Weird New Exciting Medical Procedure, Fun for the Whole Family And Still More News of the Weird Cold War Funnies Scenes from Surrealist Movie Comes True Movie Review Voodoo Beer JFK's Brain Still Alive And Still More News of The Weird News From the World of Spode =========================================================================== LO-QUALITY ALIENS INVADE EARTH =========================================================================== [The following article leads further proof to the recent reports of just how sloppy the alien menace on this planet it getting. This time our intrepid aliens forgot to check to see if what they were multilating were even living. I'm sure this provoked no end of puzzlement in their orbiting laboratories.] Subj: Fwd: Subgenius Digest V2 #201 Subgenius Digest Wed, 17 Jul 91 Volume 2 : Issue 201 Today's Topics: Cattle mutilation dismissed as "just a college prank" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Cattle mutilation dismissed as "just a college prank" BRAINTREE, Mass. (UPI) -- Managers of the Hilltop Steak House are baffled as to why anyone would cut the heads off the restaurant's trademark herd of life-size fake cows but vow to replace them. Vandals apparently used power saws to decapitate six of seven fiberglass cows outside the restaurant this weekend and also made off with a calf, cutting it off at the hoofs, police said. None of the missing heads or the calf have been recovered, police said. ``Nobody has called up claiming responsibility, no radical vegetarians,'' assistant manager Marion Burke said Monday. ``We have no idea why anyone would do it. I think it's just a college prank.'' Another assistant manager, Robert Griffin, had a theory. ``They're great looking,'' he said. ``Somebody's probably mounted them on the wall. To have a Hilltop cow probably means a lot to them. This isn't just a piece of junk cow -- these are beautiful.'' Griffin suspects the Hilltop herd's heads were rustled by more than one person. ``It would take at least a half-hour to cut the head off even one cow,'' he said. Burke said the decapitation apparently took place sometime Saturday night or early Sunday morning. The fiberglass slaughter was discovered about 4 a.m. Sunday. Burke said the restaurant intends to replace the damaged bovines at a cost of about $500 each. Hilltop officials expressed concern about similar fiberglass herds it has at its other restaurants in Saugus and Nashua, N.H. =========================================================================== A NEW GODDESS FOR THE OTISIAN PANTHEON? =========================================================================== From: bmb@bluemoon.uucp (Bryan Bankhead) Subject: Demi Moore the new Mother Goddess? Date: Fri, 19 Jul 91 01:24:02 EDT Well there she is, in living color on the cover of Vanity fair magazine. swollen belly, floppy tits, the whole bit, and surprisingly sexy for all that. Just like a better groomed 'venus'. what is the magical significance of this meme being propagated? This picture has sent sales of that mag through the roof, obviously some deep current of archetypal symbology is being accesses here. And note that successes of this type tend to propagate like viruses. Soon lots of mags will have their own 'nekkid prego' spread. (can't wait for the on from penthouse!). Please note more 'mother goddess imagery may be propagated over the next year than would be possible in centuries way back when... This is from bmb@bluemoon.uucp bmb@bluemoon.rn.com who doesn't have their own obnoxious signature yet =========================================================================== OVERKILL WHAT A THRILL =========================================================================== Date: Sat, 20 Jul 91 12:01:05 CDT From: STEWY Coweta, OK (AP) A woman gathered up two children, a pet bird and a puppy before setting off 18 cans of bug fogger in her mobile home. She stepped outside an d the fumes exploded. "She could have got by with two or three," said Coweta fire chief Bill Osburn. A pilot light likely ignited the fumes, he said. No one was injured in the explosion last week, which blew out windows, the door and one wall. Eighteen cans of insect fogger were found in the rubble, enough to treat 90,000 cubic feet, Osburn said. The mobile home was about 6,000 cubic feet. Dorothy Clayton stepped outside when the fumes exploded, said neighbor Hanice Ramage. =========================================================================== NEWS OF THE WEIRD =========================================================================== Date: 20 Jul 91 13:42:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Subject: NOTW In the chapter called "Least Competent Criminals": In 1986 a man fainted while trying to rob the Lafayette Cooperative Bank in Swansea, MA, with a toy pistol. He had also locked the keys inside his getaway car. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for sandwiches. She needed to see him & thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name over the PA system. As he alighted in front of the court house in a car he had stolen during lunch hour, he was arrested. And "Reasons Not to Dial 911" When an off-duty Detroit police officer shot himself in the shoulder as he tried to kill a rat that had jumped onto his arm in his garage, 10 Detroit police patrol cars responded to the report of a shooting at the man's house. The rat escaped unharmed. A city ambulance crew in St. Louis in 1980 stopped to pick up a pizza while on their way to the hospital with a patient suffering from head injuries. The ambulance circled the pizza parlor parking lot for 5 minutes until the crew's pizza was ready. In 1987, a California sheriff faced criticism for his practices of using chains & handcuffs for female defendants in courtrooms but not using the restraints for male defendants. Police in San Diego, CA abandoned their restraint policy after an uproar over an incident in which a mounted police officer led a black man through neighborhood streets by a rope attached to the horse's saddle. The man had been arrested for walking a dog without a leash. In Avellino, Italy, Carmine Urciuolo was riding unattended in the back of an ambulance after it picked him up at a traffic accident. He slid out the unfastened rear door & had to hitchhike to the hospital. In 1986, a woman was freed from a pair of designer jeans by San Jose, CA firefighters who worked for 20 minutes using wire cutters & needle-nosed pliers. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Steph (StephK on IRC) "Walk lightly in your dreams; kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu They might come true for you tomorrow." -- Kirsty McColl Stephanie Klein "This country 'tis of them not me, 123 S. Madison And I spit when they tell me I'm free." LaGrange, IL 60525 -- Pimentos for Gus -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =========================================================================== PEOPLE AROUND THE COUNTRY SEE ELVIS ON ANOTHER MONEY GATHERING TOUR =========================================================================== Subject: THE WEAKLY WORLD NEEDS YOUR HELP! Date: 15 Jul 91 05:54:31 GMT The WWN (the Greatest Newspaper on the FACE OF THE EARTH) reports: "NEW WAVE OF ELVIS SIGHTINGS!" 8 People who can prove the King IS alive! Yes, my friends, The KING is once again, making the rounds! But THIS time he's giving out FREE Cadillacs, loaning MONEY, and performing CPR! Here are the FACTS (can you prove it did NOT happen?). I have taken the liberty of listing them in chronological order, something the WWN didn't think important enough to do: May 1st : Mpls Mn: Elvis takes part in Anarchist Parade. May 3rd : Seattle WA: Elvis at KING County International Airport May 10th : San Diego Calif: Elvis loans woman $5. May 26th : Muskegon MI: Elvis eats Ice cream in front of woman. May 27th : Cleveland OH: Elvis helps high school student with calculus homework. Student fails test. May 28th : Waco TX: Elvis makes phone call at payphone. June 1st : Corpus Christi, Tex: Free Cadillac given to woman. June 17th: Richmond VA: Elvis in Wal-Mart store. Buy's Gel for hair. June 23rd: Nashville, TN: Woman spots Elvis near Ryman Auditorium. June 10th: St. Petersburg FLA: Elvis performs CPR. July 4th : Bensonville IL: Elvis helps set off fireworks for town display July 6th : Passadena CA: Jet Propulsion Lab reveals photos of the Gobi desert contain the face of Elvis. July 12th: Miamia FL: Elvis escapes from Coast Guard Patrol in souped up cigarette boat July 15th: Pittsburgh, PA: Elvis feeds Alkaseltzer to Seagull. Bird explodes and dies horrible death. NOW, fellow readers of A.F.U the Weakly World is asking for YOUR help! They write: "What about YOU? Weekly World News wants to find Elvis Presley and reveal his amazing story -- once and for all! If you've seen The King, WRITE AND TELL US WHERE AND WHEN. Better yet, if you capture him on film, send your photo to THE NEWS. Millions of Fans are waiting. Write to: I'VE SEEN THE KING Weekly World News 600 S. East Coast Ave Lantanna, Fla 33462" So, how about, readers of A.F.U? Have you seen THE KING in a K-Mart in New Zealand or at a bar in Australia? We MUST have somebody out there that has a picture of him? (How about YOU Kibo?) I'm sure we can help out the WWN. After all, look what we've done for Craig Shergold. I'm sure we can do the same for the WWN! What say you, gentle readers of AFU? Terry "There he goes now!" Wood =========================================================================== MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD =========================================================================== Date: 15 Jul 91 21:09:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Subject: NOTW From the chapter "Handicapable": Virginia state trooper R.L. Farney pulled over a weaving car early one morning and found that its driver wasn't just drunk but also blind. Farney reported that the man explained he was driving because his woman companion "was drunker than he was." The driver added that she had been directing him. "He thought he was driving OK," said Farney, who disagreed & ticketed both of them. From "Litigous Society" When a Rockville, MD woman sued her employer for $500,000 for injuries from falling off a chair at work, the company produced a witness who testified the woman had been practicing falling off chairs at work "for years." The Episcopal bishop of Central Florida sued the U.S. government for $200,000. He claimed that a knee injury he suffered on the Naval Training Center's tennis courts prevented him from genuflecting. The gov't countersued, claiming that the bishop trespassed by playing his matches early in the morning to avoid detection. And from "Gunplay" Police in Charleston, SC arrested a man who handed a note demanding money to the automatic teller machine at a bank. A police officer who witnessed the incident said that when the machine didn't respond to the demand, the man pumped two shots into it and drove off. And from the chapter called "Oops": The Georgia State Game Commission spent a considerable amount of time debating the regulation of alligator rides before someone noticed the typographical error and realized the commission was supposed to be debating whether to regulate alligator hides. An Oklahoma City jury needed just 20 minutes to decide that a few words from the unwise were sufficient to convict the defendant of armed robbery, despite his claim of an alibi. His court-appointed attorney was questioning the victim, who identified the defendant as the robber. The defendant jumped to his feet and accused the witness of lying. "I should have blown your... head off," he said, quickly adding, "If I'd been the one that was there." After last-minute campaigning to retain his seat on the Massachusetts Governor's council, Herbert Connolly raced to the polling place but arrived 15 minutes too late to cast his ballot in the 1988 Democratic primary. The final tally was 14,715 for Connolly and 14,716 for his opponent. =========================================================================== WORLD OF HITLERS =========================================================================== Date: Mon, 15 Jul 91 21:09:39 MDT From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: WORLD BOOK OF HITLERS Evelyn G. Hitler, Director Dear Members of the Hitler Family, I have exciting news for you and fellow Hitlers! As you may already know, extensive work has been done throughout the world on a project relating to our Hitler family name. Now our new book, "THE WORLD BOOK OF HITLERS" is about to be published and it includes individual Hitlers who immigrated to the New World between 1945 and the present. The first Hitler we found came to Paraguay in 1945. His name was Adolph. Like thousands of others, he sought a better life for himself in this land where international extradition is virtually unknown. Adolph, or any of the other Hitlers who are documented in this new book, may be the sole reason you and I live here today. Not many Eastern European families can say that! This hard-to-find Hitler immigration information was obtained from reference books indexing ships' passenger lists, arian genetic registries and other official records siezed by allied forces. In addition to information about Adolph and these other early Hitler settlers, you'll be provided with an international directory of virtually every Hitler household (with address). You are listed in this section of the book. This has been an enormous project! There are now over 5,438 households bearing the Hitler name in Paraguay, Brazil, Argentina, South Africa, Germany and Austria. Using a sophisticated computer network, more than 220 million records were searched worldwide to provide you with this never-before-published Hitler International Registry. It has been our goal to locate as many Hitlers as possible. This unique publication also covers how family names originated and what the distinguished Hitler name means, as well as an artist's drawing of an early Hitler Coat of Arms that resembles the swastika we've come to hold so dear. You'll even find exciting details about how you can take a family heritage tour back to the Hitler fatherland and learn even more about your family's origin. To my knowledge, this remarkable collection of valuable information is available ONLY in "THE WORLD BOOK OF HITLERS." Please note, however, that this First Edition is expected to be the only printing of the Hitler book, ever. I am writing to all the Hitler families listed in the Hitler International Registry at this time in order to keep publication costs low, and in order to keep this information from falling into the hands of those who would persecute us for our ancestor's war crimes. But you must order now! To reserve your copy(s), you must order right away. The number of copies printed will be determined by the number of print orders we receive by July 31, 1991. Sincerely, Evelyn G. Hitler P.S. Even though your copy is printed for you alone and I believe you'll be pleased with it, if you are dissatisfied for any reason, we guarantee a full and prompt refund. Please see your HITLER APPROVAL ORDER FORM for details. =========================================================================== HORRORS STALK THE SHOPPING MALLS =========================================================================== From: ldoering@caen.engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering) Subject: Fear of shopping malls (was West Virginia) Date: 17 Jul 91 01:40:58 GMT > >We also had a great scare right after the area's first mall opened. Suddenly >there was a great rumor that White Slavers were operating in the area, where >they would suddenly descend upon unsuspecting women, chloroform them, and carry >them away somewhere to become love slaves. Had a lot of the guys in the area >really paranoid for awhile (and personally I think it was started by the local >town-based retail people as a way to draw shoppers away from the mall, which >was hurting the business of the downtown types). Anyone else hear this one? Yes! I heard Pat Robertson (the TV evangelist) tell this story once on his TV show "The 700 Club". According to him, there is documented evidence that New York pimps kidnap teenage girls from shopping malls in Minnesota. He claimed the pimps travel out there with several prostitutes and quantities of drugs, and the prostitutes wait for teenagers in the women's bathrooms. Then, before the innocent Minnesotans realize what is happening, they are INJECTED with HEROIN, and are on their way to Times Square. The girls can't escape, of course, since they are HOOKED ON DRUGS almost immediately. Pat Robertson also claimed for a while (back in 1985, before he had to act normal for his Presidential campaign) that he had personally deflected Hurricane Gloria from its original path through the power of prayer. (The hurricane was predicted to come ashore in southern Virginia at one point, threatening Pat's home town). Gloria raced up the Atlantic coast and finally came ashore in -- you guessed it -- New York. Must be true, Mavis, I heard that preacher say it on the teevee. Larry "Pat Robertson in '88" Doering =========================================================================== OPTIMA PLAN PART II =========================================================================== Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 12:19:11 CDT From: Reverend John Subject: foo fah rah here's part two. If you run short on stuff I can send part three along as well to run as one big chunk. rev Optima Plan, part two by Rev. John uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu The room was starkly lit by flourescents behind recessed panels, defining areas of light and dark along the floor. The ceiling lights were off, allowing the holographic projection over the broad black conference table to be seen clearly. It consisted of a man's face, jowly with multiple chins and some sort of skin disease. Sitting around the table were a number of people in dark suits, power colors, wearing loafers and dark socks. They looked up at the hologram, slowly rotating in the air before them. It spoke. 'Barker lives.' The voice actually issued from speakers under the table, but there was no mistaking who was doing the talking. A nervous- looking man shuffled some papers. 'He should be dead by now,' said the image. The man looked up. 'Well we tried sir. But they've found the bear.' 'What?' barked the image, sounding a bit like an angry Darth Vader. 'We didn't know for sure before sir but the spectrometer readings in Selma were all out of whack. It's the only explanation.' 'If they have indeed found Humpy the Stumpy Bear,' began the image in menacingly measured tones. 'then we might as well kiss our ass goodbye. The Divine Children will finally be born and it'll be all over with for us.' 'I know sir I'm just awfully sorry. I mean I can't sleep I can't eat I wake up in the morning and there's white scum on my tongue I just feel terrible.' The hard face softened for a moment. 'I know I hate that stuff on my tongue.' 'Um, sir?' another man joined the conversation. 'Yes what is it Bilbous?' 'Well there is a chance. The two nominal figureheads, Rev and Stewy, have no guards whatsoever that we have seen. We know Barker has the bear, so an attack on them has a good chance of succeeding. It won't finish the OTISians by any means but it will slow them down.' The face pondered this for a moment. 'Well by jiminy Bilbous you just may have something there.' Bilbous smiled and shuffled some papers. SamHill glanced at the house in the rear-view mirror as he pulled away and started on his 'vacation.' He was glad to get away from the damn place.. living there was really getting on his nerves. He reminded himself that he still had to mail the Rev's tapes, which contained a number of valuble computer programs contained on a separate track from the music and sound that they supposedly contained. These programs contained all the data he had dug up so far on the significance of Humpy the Stumpy Bear and the Divine Children currently being brought to term by Humpy and Security Advisor Shark. It was vital that this info got to the OTISians, and quick. His alleged vacation was in fact more a case of taking it on the lam - the museum he worked at had been broken into two days ago and his desk rifled. They were getting close. Behind him, his house exploded in a sudden violent fury, casting flames and debris across the street. Close indeed, thought SamHill as he turned left and headed off into the night. Commodore Presley was holding another of his infamous jam sessions, in the room on his command ship decorated to look like a nightclub. His voice had lost none of its velvety edge and he moved like a young man. The reversal therapy had worked wonders and the Commodore could easily pass for 25 now. Several off-duty crew members hung around the little tables with candles on them, ordering pepsis and moon pies. At one of these sat the OTISian candidate for First Lady, Mal Barker, looking somewhat impatient but amused. 'He really is Mister Entertainment,' thought Barker. Suddenly the candle flame on his table began to expand and diffuse, growing to about the size of a balloon. Barker glanced around but no one else was noticing the effect. After a moment the vision crystallized into that of Pope Jeffrei religious mendicant of the OTISians. 'Mal' came a soft voice like a wisp of smoke. 'Mal..' Barker glanced around again and hoped no one noticed him talking to the candle. 'Pope? What's up?' 'Must.. warn you..' The Pope's image faded and then brightened, like an internet link going down and coming back. 'What's wrong?' Mal hissed. 'Rev.. Stewy.. danger..' The apparition was losing focus, seeming to melt in places. 'What?' Mal responded, garnering the attention of a few of the crew who wondered why this guy was talking to his candle. 'Danger..' said Jeffray again and then the image was gone. The look of anxiety on Mal's face curiously passed. Despite the way he had responded to the Pope, he knew all was well in hand. As he had dozens of times, the Rev performed the amazing trick of both turning the key and the knob below with one hand. His other held a drink cooler containing ice water. He pushed the door open with his foot and slipped into the house. Glancing at the bar for mail and finding none, his attention was then drawn to the bodies of his four housemates, staked to the wall in a great bloody mess. 'Oh not again,' muttered the Rev. Suddenly the front windows of the house splintered apart as a barrage of automatic weapons fire sprayed across the room. Rev hit the floor and listened to the roar of firearms that continued for the better part of a minute. While listening he crawled around the corner to the big table that looked like a coffin. Still lying prone, he opened the lid and pulled something out from inside.He put the LAW to his shoulder. The firing ceased. Outside, three men stood in the open cargo door of a sinister black van, surveying the damage. One held an infrared scanner up to his face and looked for survivors. A warm figure suddenly stood up, and then the entire field went red with heat. Less than two blocks away, vice-presidential candidate 'Stewy' Stewart was on a bug hunt. In each hand was a Converse All-Star Athletic Shoe, pressed into service as spider-squashers. She moved stealthily about the dim room, looking for one of the eight-legged little bastards. Suddenly two men swung in through the windows on cables, automatic weapon firing as they came through. In an amazing display of Super Occult Genius skill, Stewart deflected every bullet with the Chucks, looking for all the world like some strange Wonder Woman bouncing bullets off. The Chucks flew in a multicolored frenzy, but the men kept firing desperately even as the bullets caroomed off elsewhere in the room. Stewart closed on them and within a moment clonked them both on the head. They fell like sacks of wet cement. 'MotherFUCK there goes the security deposit,' she said. Just then there was a buzzing from the intercom. 'WHAT?' 'Stew it's Rev. They're moving on us.' 'No shit Tynes. I got two up here.' 'Damn. Be right up.' In a moment Rev arrived, holding a crumpled brown package. He surveyed the damage. 'Good thing you don't have roommates.' 'My Mac!' Stewart cried, finally noticing the bullet-ridden shell of a computer on the desk. 'Oh SHIT somebody's gotta pay for this.' 'Don't worry,' said Rev, holding the package open to reveal the cassette tapes from SamHill inside. 'They will.' Miles to the north, OTISian Security Advisor Shark was growing impatient The bus with Steph on it was already five minutes late. Steph was bringing a special instalment of News Of The Weird, containing vital information for the campaign. Shark told herself she shouldn't worry. Steph was wearing Chucks after all. But things had gone wrong before. Mal sipped his butterscotch schnapps and looked into the candle flame. Though few knew it yet, everything was going according to plan. to be continued =========================================================================== RECIPE TIME: EXCITING DESSERTS =========================================================================== From: aragon@acm.rpi.edu (Greg Pratt) Date: 12 Jul 91 16:22:36 GMT Subject: MISC: Penn & Teller Dessert Here is the outline for something I saw this morning on Geraldo (by accident) that was done by Penn & Teller. It's more of a macabre show-off desert, but I laughed my ass off when I saw it. Okay, start off by making some Jell-O, preferably strawberry or cherry or some other flavor that's naturally red. But, use two to three times as much Jell-O mix as you normally would, to thicken up the consistency. After this is mixed, stir in some cool whip, and pour it into your favorite standard party mold (the dome kind would be good). Get a CLEAN plastic bag (inside and out) and place in it some Karo syrup. Now add something like a very dar red wine, or grape juice. What you want is a semi-thick VERY dark red (opaque) liquid which looks not unlike blood. Starting to get the picture yet? Okay, now place this bag in the mold, so that the bag is still floating on top. Keep in mind that you want the Jell-O plus the bag to completely fill the mold, but have a level surface, as this thing is going to flip over later on. Put it in the fridge, and allow it to chill and set. When you take it out of the refrigerator, you should decorate it a little. Try drizeling some chocolate glaze on top and popping a couple of strawberries cherries on top of this. Allow to set if necessary, and then bring it out to your dinner guests. At this point, your dinner guests will probably be oo'ing and ah'ing over this rather nice dessert you've brought out to them. Make sure you've got that big pointy butcher knife in one hand as you set this beauty down on the table. Now you get to play Norman Bates: cut into the side of this, making sure you go deep enough to cut into the bag real wide. As you continue to cut out a piece of the gelatin mold, the bag will leak into this, and your bewildered guests will think your dessert is _BLEEDING_. Not to disappoint them, cut out one of these bloody pieces of gelatin and plop it down on a plate. If you're lucky, it will look like a recently-extracted body organ. Yes, this is gross. Yes, I wouldn't bring this to the typical dinner party. Yes, I probably have a *very* warped sense of humor. But, I laughed quite loudly when I saw this being done by Penn & Teller. At the very least, it might be fun for a Halloween party... :-) Cheers... Gregory L. Pratt aragon@acm.rpi.edu =========================================================================== STEWY'S STORY =========================================================================== STALE CIGARETTES AND DIVINE REVELATIONS Last night I lay awake in bed, staring out my apartment's only window at the one source providing light. I guess I was hoping to find some sort of answer from a source higher above or some deep, hidden revelation. Nothing happened. I searched for a pack of smokes, but wound up smoking a stale butt that had been sitting in some astray I had forgotten I had. Stale smoke drifted through my apartment and I could see the smoke by the grace of the moon's light. In an effort to de-smokify my claustrophobic apartment, I pushed the window open and popped out the screen window. I popped my head outside and stared down the four flights and wondered if the human body, plummeting four flights to the cement below, would have the same impact if, say, I were standing eight flights up. As I sucked in a plethora of bugs through my nostrils, I held my breath and attempted to blow them out only to feel one of them escape and drift to my throat. "Jesus mother fucking Christ on a goddamn crutch!!" I shouted as I choked myself into a hectic frenzy. As I was staring at the wall I noticed a very vile-looking, HUGE cockroach ascending the wall and attempting to find its way into my apartment. I, being the bug-hater of all time, ran into the bathroom and grabbed an environmentally unsafe bottle of aerosol hairspray and my Zippo lighter. There was a huge blast of flames. "Die mother fucker, DIEEEEE!!!!" I shouted into the night. I saw the roach burn, could taste it's burning flesh, shell, skin (or whatever the hell it was made of) as it began its descent downwards. For a moment, I almost thought I heard it hit the ground, but wasn't sure. I felt better...much better. And in the deepest bowels of my inner mind, I could hear it screaming, shrieking in pain, scolding me in the most abusive and salacious bug language possible. Somehow I could hear it saying, "FIRE, WALK WITH ME!" My escapade with the bug ruined my idea of sitting on the windowsill and dangling my feet like an innocent youth on a bench that was too tall for them to place their feet on the ground. I closed the window, lit another smoke and contemplated hanging myself with raw spaghetti, slitting my wrist with a toothpick or digging my eyes out with a plastic spoon. Grabbing a huge laundry bag, I tossed in all 18 pairs of Chucks, my Bible, a new pack of smokes and a six pack of ice- cold Coke. I found my way to the roof of the building, threw everything on the ground and stared at the moon. There was no smiling, happy, joyful, cheery smile in the moon that night...just a sinister darkness. So there I was, walking along the ledge of the apartment building, holding a cigarette in one hand, a can of Coke in the other and one of my Chucks was untied, the black shoelace dangling over the ledge. The ledge was about one-foot wide and somehow the can of Coke seemed heavier than the cigarette and I wondered if, perhaps, I should have taken that course in physics instead of Basket-Weaving 101. "Two steps, one step, onward I go/balancing on the edge of insanity/Two steps, one step, break a big toe/tell me if I'll live to see/Two steps, one step, feel the wind blow/what is it that I've come to be?" I made it up as I went along, attempting to balance myself, yet not caring if I couldn't. I jumped off the ledge, back onto the apartment building, grabbed the laundry bag and emptied my Chucks out onto the ground. "Super Occult Genius, that's what I am." Placing each Chuck into the correct position, I created a star...what I refer to as a pentagram. In the middle of the star I placed the Bible, walked over to the ledge and dangled my feet over the side, waiting for the Holy War to begin. "Hmm, this kinda makes you wonder...I mean like, all those spiders that have made their happy home in my pad could be like waiting until I fall asleep and then crawl to my mouth and dangle those little, wirey feet of theirs into my mouth as a sort of foreplay before they take the big plunge." I looked around...just who the hell was I talking to? The moon's light was creating an almost heavenly beam of light upon my colorful creation and I stared for several minutes. Nothing happened, so I walked toward it in hopes that uttering some type of foreign language might do the trick. I circled the formation, trying in vein to think of some ancient, mystical gibberish, but none came to mind. As I looked toward the moon, I heard a rustling sound in the distance. Three figures, clad in black attire, who's faces I could not see, began walking towards me. "Who the hell are you and why are you on MY goddamn roof? What's the password?" The creatures stopped and stood in line for a few seconds before one of them moved forward. It clicked his heels, touched its left arm to its right ear and its right arm to its left knee. "HAIL OTIS," it said, standing in that awkward position. Another click of the heels and the second of the three creatures moved forward, recreating the same motions that the first creature had made. "HAIL LOTUS," it said, standing just as the first one stood. Then there was a sort of thumping sound, a weak click of the heels and the third creature scooted forward on its rear. "HAIL SPODE," it said, sitting on the ground, attempting to pose itself as the two others were. There was a loud smacking sound and a slight whimper. "What the hell was that SPODE?," the other two creatures said with a quick smack to SPODE's head, "I mean, haven't we practiced this enough yet. Do we need to send you back to the freakin' military academy or what? What appeared to be the first creature, who had shouted, "HAIL OTIS," stepped toward me, glancing at what I had built upon the ground. "Like I said pal, who the hell are you? What the fuck are you doing on MY goddamn roof? And just what the heck is the damn password?" I asked, wondering if I had somehow, accidentally, added some rum to my Coke. "The password is, uh, PURPS...THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE!" "WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. You fucking lose pal, no nice doorprizes for you, but thanks for playing Stewy's Game of Life." I looked in its direction and watched its two partners fade into the darkness the same way in which they had come. "Ok, like WHO are you and what do you want with ME?" It circled my star of Chucks, with its hands behind its back, stopped directly across from me so that I could almost see its face, but the baseball cap hid most of its features. It took the cap off and had what appeared to be closely cut hair, cleanly shaven face (if you could call it a face...more like dry, peeling skin, but in it's own special way, it was kinda cute) and no eyebrows. It wasn't standing directly in the moon's light beam, so I couldn't make out all of its features but I wasn't exactly curious to know what it truly looked like. "My name is OTIS. I am the ancient sumerian god/goddess, leader of the Purple Thunderbolt of Spode," he explained to me in an odd language with more hand gestures than were necessary. "Right, and I'm a fucking space alien from Mars. Oh, better yet, I guess if you're this Purple Thunderbolt of Sp...fucking whatever person, then I'm the fucking POPE!" I told him, adding erratic hand gestures just so that he wouldn't feel out of place. "You cannot be the Pope. The Pope is my most fondest disciple. He carries with him my word and preaches what I ask of him to preach. You are Stewy and I have been told by several people that you are in need of help to overcome your apparent aberrations." "I've got to be slightly insane because I'm sitting here talking to some schmoozer who looks like a blond bimbo who forgot to wake up after spending the entire day sleeping on the beach. Wait one freakin' minute here...I know who you are. You're OTIS, like the OTIS that everyone keeps telling me about. Christ, you are for real! HOLY BUCKETS! I've got to tell everyone that you ARE for real...not just something we made up." "Now wait a minute here, Stew. I am real, yes, that is apparent. I am not the God that the Bible speaks of, nor am I the Beelzebub that the Bible speaks of. I am OTIS, created by those of you who could not accept the other choices. I am only what you create me to be, therefore I exist." He eyed my star of Chucks again and I was damn near shocked. I mean, like OTIS for criminy sakes, he really DOES exist; but wait one goddang minute here... "I have been asked by several of my followers to come speak with you," he said waiving his hands again. "Oh like who? Mal? Come on pal, the guy is sitting on some huge commode in the middle of Hell wishing he were on some submarine with Elvis as his co-captain and drinking oodles of Slim Fast. Oh, but wait, maybe it was the Rev, eh?" It said nothing. "Yeah, well, the last I heard of Rev was that he was telling Shark to do the horizontal lambada with you, running about town pretending to be like some important political figure and he was probably fondling that damn green hand he wears around his wormy little neck," I said waving my hands in something of a seizure-like attack so as to show my politeness. Again, it said nothing. "Ok pal, who the hell was it? Like Shark? Let's get real, the chick is flipping out and thinks I'm some psychedelic bird who came to her on some ship with some weird message. And she's pregnant, by the way and would you like to know what she's naming the kid?" Once again, it offered no answer. "Ya know, you're like starting to piss me off. If we created you, I can uncreate you." "No. It was neither of them," it spoke at last. I stared into the portion on his face that I assumed were his eyes. I couldn't see anything but darkness, but that was alright with me. "Oh, well if it wasn't any of those pinheads, just who the hell told you I was/am walking the fine line between insanity and reality?" "You." "Me?" "Yes." "Oh, and I 'spose I just like woke up one night, stole some farmer's satellite dish, hooked it up to my ears, plugged it in my ass hole and sent out farting noises that you translated to be 'help me' messages, right?" "Similar, but not quite that difficult. I haven't the time to explain how I came to help you, but I am here and I shall help." It extended a paw, or perhaps it was a hand, though I am not quite sure and wasn't really interested in knowing where that thing had been, but I found our hands clasped together and we walked to the ledge of the building and walked around the complex once. I, of course, was standing on the very narrow ledge, whereas he was just kind of like there, walking beside me. "Well shit, this isn't gonna be like _It's A Wonderful Life_ with Jimmy Stewart or anything, is it? No answer. The sun was beginning to rise when we returned. I'm not quite sure of how to explain what I had seen, nor do I quite know if any of those burning questions that I have had since my youth were answered, but I can say that it was magical. Almost...well, I can't really explain it. It showed me things, many things; things that will soon come, things that will never come, things that have already come. It was a divine revelation to say the last and as time continues on, I have been ordered to share these revelations with the world as I see fit. SPODE and LOTUS were dancing in one of the corners atop the building and I still couldn't see their faces, but SPODE was wearing day-glo pink Chucks and LOTUS was wearing day-glo green Chucks. They were happy, that's for sure. Even with daylight beginning to break, I still couldn't see OTIS's face. It was still encased in a somber darkness. It began walking toward its companions and turned to me before they disappeared. "Stewy, two more things before I go. First, that star you built, well, if it's 'spose to be a pentagram, it's not." Before he could get to the second thing of which he spoke, I froze. "Just what the hell do you mean it's not a pentagram. I was hoping for some kinda Holy War up here and you're telling me it's not a Satanic symbol?" "No, its the Star of David. You created no Holy/Evil War; just a war of different religions and that has always existed. The second thing Stewy," it began. "Yes, OTIS sir (I think it was safe to call it a sir)?" "Humpy the Stumpy bear is a wanna-be kazoo, but it is a special being and that is why I have sent him to you and the Rev. Humpy will aid you all, and she will be most especially helpful with the upcoming elections and that is most important. " With that, it and its two companions clicked the heels of their Chucks and were gone just as they came...fading into the sky. [In case you hadn't figured out who wrote this Stewy did.] =========================================================================== MESSENGER OF THE GODS PART IV (I THINK) =========================================================================== [As our readers my recall from last time, our hero after receiving a letter to deliver from the Mistress of Mayhem for Otis had set out to perform his task. After many a spine tingling adventures involving the Fropheads, he finally figured out where to deliver the letter to so Otis could get it. Just then, he was once again attacked by the Fropheads and in the nick of time was whisked to safety in the company of a Man in Black through a cloud of tornado green fog that defied all laws of time and space, only to find himself aboard an old supposedly "disappeared" nuclear submarine that doesn't seem too sea worthy, in the company of Elvis, the Man in Black, Dr. Mabuto the Voodoo Scientist, and a horde of Fishmen and zombies. Heading north to their destination and after examining the letter and a few other cryptic things (yeah folks go back and read the previous parts for clues.) they discovered that a flying saucer was following them. And so they decided to do something about it, using the Artifact Elvis had been given by the mysterious "Space Friends" ] They kept the artifact itself back in the mess deck. Most of the tables and shelves had been removed to make it fit. It was a huge hunk of metal and what possibly could have been plastic. It gave off a vague humming aura and stank of ozone, looking like any falling apart. To one side were a row of old car batteries wired together with bright orange and red jumper cables. "Why don't you hook it up to the reactor?" I asked Elvis, he and the Man in Black were there. Mabuto stayed in the control room. He would be ready for any order we gave him. We really did not have a plan of attack but we figured we'd have to move the submarine around a little. "Well," began Elvis scratching his head. He pulled a rag out of a pocket on his jumpsuit and nervously wiped his hands. "The space friends who gave me this dohicky said it doesn't need much power. They said it might be a good idea not to have it hooked up to that cantankerous reactor in case it failed." "Oh that's nice." I commented. "And they did not bother to tell you how to operate it did they?" asked the Man in Black. He seemed to be taking a very deep interest in the artifact. He slowly walked around the device peering here and there. The black clad seemed to want to touch it but kept straining himself. Elvis gave a nervous chuckle. "Nope. I reckon they don't know much about it themselves. I guess we were pretty lucky to get it working back there at the beach." "And we're supposed to use this to take out that saucer following us? Oh boy this ought to be good," I said. I think I managed to find the control panel. There was a bank of switches and dials with several small screens that looked like radar screens. Next to and below this was a large assortment of levers you might find on a tractor or bulldozer. Nothing was labeled. No writing. No directions. Nothing. Then again you didn't have labels on a piano and people still managed to make noise out of it. "Doggone it! I managed to make it work one time I can do it again," said Elvis stepping up beside me. He stuffed his rag back in his pocket then spat on his hands, like he was going to step up to the plate. "Stand back give me some room," he said. I stepped back. I glanced over at the Man in Black who was staring at Elvis intently. Elvis sucked in his breath then hesitantly pushed a couple buttons. Then he grabbed the biggest lever and pulled. The humming increased and all the little radar screen lit up. Electronic noise filled the room. A purple glow came from the machine as electronic discharges crackled about it's internal works. Elvis let out the breath he was holding looking slightly relieved. He gave me a silly grin. "Okay what should I do with that damn saucer?" he asked. "We need to capture the crew somehow. Could this thing snatch them here?" I asked "Oooh like on Star Trek? Beam 'em down?" asked Elvis. "Something like that," I said. "Perhaps we should try to something simpler," suggested the Man in Black. He'd been edging closer slowly to get a better look at how Elvis operated the artifact. "Hell what's simpler than just beaming them down here?" Clearly Elvis was intrigued by the idea. "Do you know the process to accomplish that feat?" asked the Man in Black. "Well no..but still," replied Elvis sounding like a little kid. "Then perhaps you could operate the device in a manner similar to how you operated earlier. We could simply walk up to the saucer and take them prisoner," suggested the Man in Black. Elvis and I looked at him skeptically. "Um isn't the saucer kinda moving? You want us to run up beside it or something? It's in the middle of the air anyways," I said. "The artifact makes time, space and dimensions all relative. The saucer no matter how fast will appear to be motionless to us. While the air will seem a solid surface. How did we walk from your dwelling on the beach to the deck of this very submarine if it was not through the air?" He had a point. So we decided to give it a shot. I grabbed my machine pistols and a couple of other little goodies while Mabuto put the submarine on a very stable straight course. We did not need any unnecessary jiggling with what we were about to do. Elvis meanwhile madly scratched his head and tried to recall what he did last time. After five minutes of these antics of his we just told him to proceed and wing it. I stood next to the Man in Black in a small chalk circle Elvis had drawn on the floor. We couldn't very well go up on deck and leave from there seeing as the we were still underwater. Mabuto had left his post at the control room for a few moments to witness our attempt. He seemed highly suspicious of the artifact and kept making mystical gestures at it, shaking his rattle. "Don't you go putting no hoodoo on this contraption, ya hear," warned Elvis, who was clearly under a lot of stress. Elvis pulled some levers and pressed some buttons seemingly at random. He squinted at the little radar screen and cocked his ear to listen to the noise of the artifact. Gysers of tornado green fog boiled out the machine filling up the mess deck. I was blind. I wish I'd brought my might vision goggles. "Okie dokie!" yelled Elvis. His voice sounded very muffled and distant. Mabuto yelled something as well but I couldn't catch it. The Man in Black took my by the elbow and we began to walk. He seemed to know where he was going once again. From his comments and the way he acted, clearly he knew something about the artifact he was not saying, or at least he know something about this tornado green fog business. We walked for a couple minutes when the fog began to clear up slightly. It thinned out and there before us was the Mayan saucer glowing a violent green just like the fog. It was shaped like a very boxy airplane decorated all over like a Mayan temple. In the boxy cockpit I could see three figures. Two of them I recognized as the two fat fropheads who'd tried to invade my place. The other was a woman dressed in a voluminous black leather trench coat. She was yelling at the other too and seemed very irritated. On her lab was a huge telephone book like tome made out of golden plates. The didn't seem to notice us. We boldly stalked up to the saucer. I banged loudly on the cockpit glass with the butt of my machine pistol. The three inside jumped. I motioned them to open the cockpit with my pistol. The woman stuck her tongue out at me. One of the fropheads crouched down in his seat like a frightened toad. The other just sat there stunned. I made as if to fire. "It's bulletproof," stated the Man in Black beside me. Meanwhile, the woman began to punch buttons and move the control stick in an effort to fly the saucer away from us. The saucer remained stock still caught in the tornado green fog. The Man in Black produced a small silvery screw driver which he deftly popped off a panel next to the cockpit. It exposed a handle. He he pulled out. There was a muffled explosion and the glass of the cockpit blew off disappearing into the fog overhead. The Man in Black muttered something about having to deal with that later. I assumed he mean the cockpit cover. The three in the cockpit sat very still. I pointed my pistols at them and ordered them out. Slowly the three scrambled out. The Man in Black produced a skullcap of sorts. It's surface was covered by electronic components. It looked very crude and poorly put together. "What's going on?" asked one of the fropheads. His voice shaking almost as much as his knees. The other slowly peered around into the fog. The woman's eyes bulged when she saw the skullcap. "Now you're gonna learn what happens when you go messing with us," I said. I figured we'd take them back to the submarine but the Man in black seemed to have other plans. He was approaching the woman. He was going to put the skullcap on her. "Put it on him!" she yelled pointing at the frophead who spoke. "I'm only the pilot. I know nothing of this." Her voice has a faint german accent mixed with something else. I noticed she had blonde hair and blue eyes. She was quite frightened by by the skullcap device. The Man in Black considered the woman's words for a moment, then moved over to the absolutely motionless frophead. With a few deft moment he place the cap firmly on the man's head then activated it. Little lights flashed. The man's face when totally slack and he began to drool. The other frophead moaned. "Shut up!" I said. I had my suspicious about what the skullcap would do. I doubted the frophead would survived whatever it was doing to him. The woman in the trench coat stared at the Man in Black fascinated like a bird is to a snake. "Speak," ordered the Man in Black to the drooling frophead. As if a damn had burst the man spoke rapidly, his words slurred. He talked of his childhood and his days in high school, his favorite Star Trek episode, and then he stared talking about "Bob". I quickly holstered one of my pistols and turned on a tape recorder. I wanted to get all this down. "Well see.."Bob"..yeah "Bob" appeared to me see..well and then Captain Kirk.. no it was "Bob"..he was on T.V. instead od Captain Kirk...no it was Captain Kirk...no it was "Bob".."Bob"..Captain Kirk was smoking a pipe but then it was "Bob"..not it was Spock..Spock was smoking a pipe and grinning. No it was Captain Kirk..Captain Kirk was "Bob".." The Man in Black made a slight adjustment. A small trail of blood began to run out of the drooling frophead's one ear. ""Bob" appeared to me on the t.v. screen. He was captain of the Enterprise...he was a better captain than Kirk...he managed to sell the Romulins aluminum siding for their war ships....then he sold hair dryers to the Klingons...oh and deodorant. He had a whole crate of the stuff he sold to them. Best episode I ever saw...." "Then he turned to me and looked at me. Really looked at me. Not like Captain Kirk used to when he was ham acting but like he could see me. And he began to talk. He said me name. He knew my favorite brand of tooth paste. He told me secrets about myself I never knew. He said he'd give me eternal life if I did a small tasks for him. The future was exactly what Star Trek portrayed. I could be part of it if I'd go steal this letter from some guy. He said to take my friend. He said women would fall over me. He said I needed aluminum siding for my apartment...." "Why did Bob want this letter!" barked the Man in Black trying to hurry up the frophead's tale. He was slipping fast one of his eyes was spinning around crazily and the other was clouded over. ""Bob"'s not been the same since the assassination...he's lost some of his sexual potency..he wants it back. He thinks that letter from a goddess can give it too him...He says I'd be like Captain Kirk..a woman on ever planet...." The frophead collapsed like a wet paper bag, pink blood and brain issued from his nose and ears. I looked away, the other frophead fell to his knees and puked. The woman made a little choking noise. I flipped off my tape recorder and exchanged it for my other pistol. The Man in Black retrieved his device. "You killed him!" shrieked the remaining frophead cowering on the ground in a pool of vomit. "Shut up!" ordered the woman, "Better him than you." "It was only an earthling," intoned the man in black. He put the skullcap away. "Hey, we're you get that gizmo?" I asked. He ignored me. "Well now what? Back to the sub?" "Indeed. These two must accompany us. We still have use for them." said th Man in Black. He glanced off into the fog as if looking for our return path. "No!" whimpered the cowering frophead. "Isn't one of us enough. I never knew when I sent in my $20 this would happen. I thought Bob was a joke. It was fun. My friend made me do it." The woman looked at the frophead in disgust and stepped a few steps away from him. "What are you going to do with us?" her voice was steady but she was pale. She was scared. Her eyes met mine then slid over to the Man in Black's shades. "Clearly we can't leave you here. You'll just cause us more trouble," I said. "Mabuto could use more Fishmen. Especially one as attractive as her." --Mal 1991 =========================================================================== AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD =========================================================================== Date: 17 Jul 91 21:47:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Subject: NOTW Under the heading "Insolent Chariots": General Motors notified owners of 1988 Buick LeSabres that the owner's manual should be replaced because of a printing error. The notice came with a corrected manual and an advisory: "Please place the [new] Owner's Manual in your vehicle's `glove box' and discard the old manual or take [the new manual] to your dealer for installation, at no charge to you. Estimated time for this correction is five (5) minutes." Syndicated columnist Mike Royko called a Chicago Buick dealer who told him that 2 owners had brought their manuals in for installation. And in the chapter "Occupational Hazards": A company trying to continue its 5-yr perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that 25 workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. 13 other fainted, and 1 man required 7 stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. And from "Odd Ends": An 81-yr-old woman in Arkwright, SC, died of smoke inhalation after apparently mistaking an end table in her mobile home for a fireplace & setting a fire under it. In Prague, a woman, distraught after learning that her husband had been unfaithful, jumped from a 3rd-story window. She landed on the husband, who was entering the building at that moment. He died; she survived. During the same week in May, 1989 hit-&-run drivers in Washington, DC & Oakland Park, FL were themselves killed within minutes by other hit-&-run drivers. =========================================================================== NEW EXCITING MEDICAL PROCEDURE, FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY =========================================================================== Date: Wed, 10 Jul 1991 11:14 HKT From: Ed Spodick Subject: ***WARNING** - Some may find this an uncomfortable topic. It's humour, but if you are offended then just delete it. Personally, I had trouble containing my laughter. :) ----- Begin Included Message ----- A SLIGHT BIT OF MODERATE DISCOMFORT by Mary Cartledge-Hayes I've been confused lately by the arguments in the popular press over the Testicular Imaging Device. Why do you suppose there's so much resistance to this medical miracle? In case you haven't read about this machine, it's the new and highly effective method of diagnosing testicular problems at an early stage, when the highest likelihood for complete recovery exists. In this noninvasive procedure, the testicles are placed on a metal plate which has been cooled to 33 degrees. A pre-calibrated device the aligns the mass, automatically flattening it to the correct density between two moving steel plates, after which a radiological image is produced. The entire procedure generally takes less than forty minutes. The test is well enough thought of that both the AMA and major insurance companies have begun urging patients to include it in routine annual physicals. "Why wait for problems? Get your baseline at age 38 and one a year for the rest of your life, and you'll never need to lose another night's sleep worrying" three out of four doctors urge. Contrary to what one might suppose, resistance is not centered on concern over the radiology involved. That issue was fully addressed early on. "There aren't any guarantees in new technology like this," commented one researcher who asked to remain nameless. "In fact, we'll probably need to zap an entire generation and check the cancer rates before we can be one hundred per cent certain. But we have full confidence in this machine; we know it's a lifesaver." The people questioning this concusion are the ones now benefiting from it, those who've undergone the procedure. Reported comments in from diagnostic clinics range from "Oh my God!" to "Turn this bastard off before I break your neck!" While it's true that the testicles are squashed flat, authorities emphasize that the procedure is not painful. "Some people will undergo a slight bit of moderate discomfort. We suspect it's related to hormone levels, or maybe date of the last ejaculation. But you also have to remember that some men are so eager for sympathy -- their wives don't understand them or the kids are demanding or the boss is giving them a hard time --that they use this as an opportunity to vent their frustration. And we understand that. We just hope people won't use that as a crutch to explain away their indifference to good health." The medical community remains surprised by the strength of the resistance. "We didn't have anywhere near this much trouble selling the mammogram," said one noted doctor who requested anonymity, "and it's basically the same technique. Go figure." People who have undegone TID respond variously to that comment. "Women are stupid," said one. "You're dealing with delicate tissue here," said another. "Well, yeah, maybe breasts are delicate, too, but it isn't the same." The third interviewee was more forthright. "The deal with women," he said, "is that they're easily frightened. You threaten them with death, and then you hurt them. That's socially acceptable. The medical community just misgauged the climate among men. Though we've come a long way, we haven't gone that far." Women interviewed take a different view, "I'd be happy if he had this test every month," said one. "His health is that important to me." "I've even volunteered to drive my husband to the clinic," said a second. "He cringes every time I mention it. I guess that just goes to show how stubborn men are." Promoters seem unconcerned about public acceptance. "We'll sell it the same way we did the mammogram," says one. "All we have to do is plant the seed of doubt. It'll sprout on its own. I predict overcrowded offices and three-hour waits before the end of the year." A few lingering reservations aside, this writer thinks it behooves men to hurry to a diagnostic clinic now, before the rush begins. In fact, I'll go so far as to plead with men to do so. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for someone you love. I know she'll appreciate it. copied without permission from /The Funny Times/ ----- End Included Message ----- =========================================================================== AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD =========================================================================== Date: 10 Jul 91 10:45:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Subject: News Of The Weird (as usual) Rather morbid weirdness from the chapter "The Only Way Out": A 30-yr-old California man committed suicide in 1980 with an overdose of drugs because, according to a suicide note, "I just can't live another 4 years with Reagan." A 17-yr-old boy identified only as Eugene killed himself with a drug overdose in Sevran, France, because his parents refused to pay for plastic surgery that would enable him to look like Michael Jackson. A 27-yr-old man & his 21-yr-old wife, who were likely to receive no more than probation on minor drug charges in Rockville, MD, committed suicide in full view of their parents & relatives by downing cyanide packets in the courtroom just before their sentencing. And from "Let's Make a Deal": In Fitchburg, MA, someone stole a 3-foot-tall ceramic statue of the baby Jesus from the creche set up by the rotary club and left this ransom note: "We have Jesus. We will hang him unless the police leave 5 cases of Budweiser here January 1." John Alvin Jackson of Trenton, SC, admitted giving his estranged wife to another man to settle a $200 debt because he was "red hot mad" at her. After getting her to go with him under the pretense of spending a long weekend at a lake to try to reconcile their marriage, he suggested they stop by Frank William Yeck's place in Grovetown, Georgia, to pick up a Bible. There, Jackson handed her over. Yeck placed her in bondage & forced her to participate in various sexual activities before she escaped the next day. At Yeck's trial, she testified that she submitted to him because she feared for her life & her son's. Yeck testified that the woman was a willing participant in his actions. "If I had any idea they were against her will, I would have stopped," he said. "I showed her how to enjoy sex. Pain was the objective to a certain extent." Johnson, who testified against Yeck as part of his plea-bargain, said Yeck had assured him he would not harm her. Afterward, Jackson said Yeck told him, "It's nothing serious. The marks will go away in a couple of days. I know what I'm doing." =========================================================================== COLD WAR FUNNIES =========================================================================== From: aghst1@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Andrew G Hummell) Subject: Even more cold war humor Date: 10 Jul 91 22:36:51 GMT LITTLE RED ---------- by WEWST1 from: "The Brothers Marx: Official State-Sanctioned Tales for Impressionable Preschool Soviet Youth" One day, when Little Red came home from the Young Pioneers meeting and Informing session, her mother said to her, "Little Red, as you know, this June we had the use of the communal oven, and so I have baked some wholesome Russian rye bread which I would like you to take to your grandmother at the People's Rest Home and Communal Farm." To which Red replied,"I will be more than happy to Mother, because we Pioneers are to help the old and inform on them if necessary." So off Little Red went with the bread in her basket and the People's Song in her heart. As Little Red skipped efficiently down the path to the People's Rest Home and Communal Farm, she met a wolf who said to her,"Hello there, who are you? And where are you going in such an efficient manner?" To which Little replied "I am Little Red, and I am going to the People's Rest Home and Communal Farm to give my grandmother some good wholesome Russian rye bread." This interested the wolf, and he said,"Little Red I know some people that would give good money for such bread; why don't you have your mother bake some more bread and we can share in the profits." "EEEK!" cried Little Red,"You are a capitalistic wolf, I do not want to be corrupted by your decadent ways!" And she ran down the trail as fast as her legs could carry her. But that capitalistic wolf was not so easily put off from money. He took a short, decadent way to the People's Rest Home and Communal Farm and oppressed the worker into the closet, for he was also an imperialist, and put on Little Red's grandmother's working clothes and lay in wait for Little Red and her basket of wholesome Russian rye bread. The wolf did not have to wait long before Little Red came knocking at the door. The wolf said, "Come in Little Red; I am in bed." Little Red opened the door and walked over to the bed and said,"Hello Grandmother, I have brought you some good wholesome Russian rye bread that mother baked -- but Grandmother, how big your eyes have gotten." The wolf replied,"All the better to see the good wholesome Russian rye bread with." Little Red said,"Grandmother, your nose -- it is big also." And the wolf said,"All the better to smell the good wholesome Russian rye bread with." Little Red said,"Oh, but Grandmother -- your hands are big too!" And the wolf said,"All the better to take the good wholesome Russian rye bread with!" And with that, the wolf jumped up and grabbed the basket of good wholesome Russian rye bread. Little Red screamed for help, and this would have been the end if it had not been for the fact that a group of soldiers from the People's Revolutionary Army was cutting wood in the forest nearby for the Russian Summer and heard Little Red's cries for help. The soldiers rushed in and saved Little Red, the old people, and captured the decadent, capitalistic, imperialistic wolf. What became of them all? Well, for her bravery, Little Red received many commendations and eventually became a high-ranking Politburo member. The wolf was to be shot but was traded to an imperialistic country for a hero of the People. Little Red's grandmother was eventually sent to the People's Rest Home and Salt Mine in the North for having many decadent "Beatles" records in her closet. THE END. ******** The Heroic Tortoise and the Capitalistic Hare --------------------------------------------- by Andrew Hummell from: "The Brothers Marx: Official State-Sanctioned Tales for Impressionable Preschool Soviet Youth" Once there was a great race between comrade Tortoise and a capitalistic lackey hare. The hare boasted of a sleek, new, fast, expensive sport- automobile, while the heroic Tortoise drove a solid, well-built vehicle made in his glorious Motherland. Indeed the hare's sport-vehicle, paid for by the blood and sweat of the exploited proletariat in his decadent nation, was fast, and it took an early lead; however, it soon broke down due to inferior craftsmanship brought about by an inefficient capitalistic system. Comrade Tortoise, driving a vehicle created by superior workers in a factory owned by the people, then passed the capitalist dupe and won the race thus proving the superiority of comrade Tortoise's Motherland. THE END. =========================================================================== SCENES FORM SURREALIST MOVIES COME TRUE =========================================================================== Date: Thu, 11 Jul 1991 14:33:12 -0400 From: Kirk Crady Subject: Bottom of the barrel post [stuff deleted] "A 12-year-old girl is under treatment at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences because ants emerge from her right eye. Doctors have used medication to reduce the number from 50 to 60 per day to 6 or 7 per day. They believe small holes in an eye- lid may be hosting ant eggs, but surgery and X-rays have been inconclusive. She re- ports the condition irritating but not pain- ful." [stuff deleted] =========================================================================== MOVIE REVIEW =========================================================================== From: BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET (THE BIFFMAN COMETH) Subject: NEW MOVIE Date: 12 Jul 91 02:51:59 GMT COWABUNGA D00DZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUS T SAW EDWURD SIZZER HANDS II AND I THOT IT WUZ TOTALLY KILLER!!!!!!! ME N MUFFY N MY BBROTHER WENT TO SE IT AND WOW!!!!! TOTALLY K00L SIZZER HAND FX AND COOLNESS!!!!! RAD LOTZ OF GUNZ AND BANG BANG BOOM!! AND THE GUNZ NROZEZ SONG WUZ NARLEE!!!! I THOT THAT ARNULD SHWARZONEGER DID KUUL IN THE MOVIE BUT THE GUY W HO ACTID EDWURD WUZ WIERD AND WHAT WUZ WITH HIM MEELTING ANDLIQUID AND STUFF IDONT GET IT. BUTT THE LINDA KONNER BABE WUZ TOTALLY MUSKULAR AND D00DZ!!!!!! HEY LINDA ARE YOO OUT THERRE CALL ME UP I AM BABISH!!!!!!! LETS DO DA WILD THING MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLE THIN G I THOT WAS NOT REAL ISTIK ABOUT THE MOOVIE WUZ WHEN THE GUARD DUDE LIKKED LINDABABE ON THE FACE AND SHE JIST LAID THERE AND DIDDUNT DO ANY THING. WHAT UP LINDA??????????????????????? GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL D00DZ IT IS WAYK00L BEING BAK ON THIS BBOARD AGIN BUT I GOTTA GO GETMY NEW COMMPUTER SET UP ITZ WAYK00L MY BBROTHER IZ HELPING IL POST A BBOARD MSAGE WHEN ITZ DONE OK????????????? INTIL THEN ICOWABUNGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PS: OH YEAH THI S BBOARD ALT.FAN.WORLORD IZ AWESUM AND IPOSTID TO IT CUZ I HAVE A K00L SIG!!!!!!!!!! BIFF@PSUVM.ANDREW.PORTAL.COM.XZ.US.RUTGERS.ARPA.BITNET.EDU.UUCP DUDE!!! MAN!WOMAN!BIRTH!DETH!INFINITI!ROCKS!TREES!BIT.NET!BIFF@UUNET.UU.NET.EDU ---------- .-----.----- ## |........+########### ######## #####f@o# BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU |........| ######### ######## #########- BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU |...<....- ##-------# ## . BIFF!@NETHACK.NET.HACK.EDU -..-...--- ##|.....|# ## BIFF ## #### ##......|####### ######## WAITING -4- ## ### ##|.....-####### ######## ARMAGEDIN DUDE ## ## ##|.....|# ## IT"LL BE WAY KILLER!!! ######### ##-------# ## ######## ######### ## ## BIFF@BIT.NET ######### ## ## BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET ## BIFF the Digger St:25 Dx:18 Co:18 In:18 Wi:18 Ch:18 CHAOSTIC!!!!!! Dlvl:1 G:0 HP:2(13) Pw:1(1) AC:7 Xp:1/17 HEY D00DZ K00L!!!ILEARND FRMO MY BBROTHERHOW TO COPY STUFF AND BUT I DONT NO WHAT DOES THAT SECOND LINE MEAN WITH DLVL AND HP AND XP OR WHAT I DONT GET IT =========================================================================== VOODOO BEER =========================================================================== From: jsl@unix.cis.pitt.edu (John Lundberg) Subject: Voodoo beer Date: 5 Jul 91 18:16:16 GMT Excerpts from "Call it Voodoo, but Texas Surrenders in Beer Battle": (New York Times, 5-July-91) "Just when a skirmish with a Louisiana brewery was threatening to become a full-blown beer battle, the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission has thrown in the towel. Effective today [July 4], Dixie Blackened Voodoo Lager Beer is no longer contraband in the Lone Star State. Beverage officials banned the New Orleans brew in January because, they said, its name and label, which shows a swamp, conjure images of witchcraft and the occult. But on Wednesday, faced with legal questions, a retaliatory ban on a Texas beer, and widespread ridicule, the regulators changed their minds. But the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission says it does not joke around when it comes to voodoo. In June, Raymond Hoskins, supervisor of marketing practices, said the prohibition "has to do with your cults and public safety areas." -- John Lundberg / jsl@unix.cis.pitt.edu / University of Pittsburgh CIS =========================================================================== JFK's BRAIN STILL ALIVE =========================================================================== From: chguest@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov ( Charles J. Guest ) Subject: Re: Is this REALLY true? Date: 8 Jul 91 03:29:00 GMT In article <13815@uwm.edu> j0nez@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (John William Bowman) writes: =>Sorry if this has been discussed here before, but I just heard this on =>a PBS program. (Direct all flames, if applicable, to my mailbox.) You can not always believe what you hear on PBS, but in this case it is true. =>Does the government REALLY have Kennedy's brain on some sort of life =>(life, for a brain?) support system? Sounds like a bunch of hooey to =>me.... Kennedy's brain is in fact being kept alive. There is documentary evidence to prove this in the files that Oliver North shredded a few years back. The government has a real serious interest in keeping this a secret because of ties to project bluebook. You see Kennedy's brain is being taken care of by alien beings. It will someday be transplanted to one of the 'faces on mars' and the stone will come to life. In turn the Easter Island Faces will be subjugated by this new king. Our government, using Elvis Presley as a liaison, has made these arrangements with Porlachj Schnahug the alien who was taken prisoner in Roswel New Mexico. You should also be aware that Mr. Tesla has been given the job of taking care of the security arrangements for this exchange. The most important thing for us all to remember is that the CIA and George Bush have decided that security is of paramount importance to this mission. Do not speak of this to anyone because if you do, there is a strong probability that you will be kildhgsdvxfvgbazhbsxujnxdhndjcmxj xnc =========================================================================== AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD =========================================================================== Date: 13 Jul 91 12:38:00 EDT From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN Subject: NOTW From the chapter "Marching to Their Own Tune" : Lowell Davis of Savannah, MO wrote down the names of every person he ever remembered meeting since the age of 3. By the age of 83, Davis had amassed 3487 names and filled 679 pages in a binder, recording them with notes about each. The names are arranged in chronological order by places Davis has lived. One example: "Leonard McKnight-- fond of chicken gravy." And from "Gives Me the Willies": Francisca Cruz, 44, of Los Angeles, was convicted of the murder of her landlady. Cruz & her son dismembered the body in a bathtub, then Cruz boiled the flesh, baked it in an oven, & packaged it. Her son then deposited the packages in trash cans in LA's Chinatown district. He said that his mother intended it as food for the homeless in the area. Convicted of a series of sniper shootings in RI & MA during 1986 & 1987, Russell J. Ducharme II said that he started shooting at people after shooting at street lights "got boring." From "Fruits of Research": 73% of the adults who responded to a poll by Parents Magazine said they favored "a high level of patriotism" in the nation, but only 53% admitted owning an American flag. 10 cows burp enough gas in a year to provide for all the space heating, winter heating, & cooking requirements of a small house, according to a study reported in _Epalog_, the official publication of the Environmental Protection Agency. And from "Missed the Point": Preston Womack of Mableton, GA was arrested by Cobb County police after he sat in a restaurant wearing a pair of jockey shorts on his head and would not leave when asked. Police Sgt. M. Toler said later that "other than wearing jockey shorts on his head & socks on his hands, he was well behaved." A 1982 United Nations report warned that sex education lessons were failing in certain remote Asian villages. Observers found that the men were swallowing birth control pills and, to mimic the health educators' demonstrations, had placed condoms on their fingers & on bamboo poles. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Steph (StephK on IRC) "Undermine their pompous authority kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu Reject their moral standards Make anarchy and disorder your trademark Stephanie Klein Cause as much chaos & disruption as possible 123 S. Madison But don't let them take you alive." LaGrange, IL 60525 -- Sid Vicious -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =========================================================================== NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF SPODE =========================================================================== Date: Sun, 14 Jul 1991 14:33 HKT From: Ed Spodick Subject: Here are a few more tidbits... *********************************************************************** " I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races--I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of Negroes,-nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people." -Abraham Lincoln First Lincoln-Douglas Debate August 21, 1858 *********************************************************************** South China Morning Post - 9 July 1991 _Bat Paranoia_ BRISBANE: A Turkish seaman who jumped ship to seek a new life in Australia became so afraid of attack by vampire bats that he asked to be sent home. Mr. Rafit Belir, 29, was walking along the north Queensland road when harmless fruit bats filled the sky, but he became convinced they were after his blood. ************************************************************************* _America_ - South China Morning Post - 8 July 1991 _Design your own dinosaur_ by Jon Marsh [reprinted without permission] With all the problems facing the world today, it is comforting to know that scientists are out there relentlessly beating back the boundaries of knowledge in order to make our planet a better, safer place to live. Take Dr. George Poinar of the University of California at Berkeley, for example. His life's work is to try to breed a dinosaur from left over bits of dinosaur DNA found in fossils. Luckily for Dr. Poinar, DNA, the basic genetic building blocks of life, survives in objects as diverse as ancient Andean corn, prehistoric Florida Indian brains and the gut of a 12,000- year-old mastodon. The bad news is that dinosaur DNA is in short supply and after 10 years he has not found a single scrap of the stuff. Undeterred, Dr. Poinar is concentrating on tracking down chunks of amber resin that might contain the preserved bodies of insects such as mosquitoes, which might have snacked on dinosaurs back in prehistoric times. "My belief is that there are dinosaur cells inside biting flies trapped in amber," he said. "It's just a matter of finding the dinosaur DNA and getting it out." These are the instructions for a do-it-yourself dinosaur: 1. Find large chunk of amber that contains blood-sucking insects that dined on a dinosaur shortly before their demise. 2. Extract genetic material. 3. Inject into embryo of living reptile, eg, an alligator. 4. Wait until the egg hatches. 5. Run like hell. *************************************************************************** South China Morning Post - 11 July 1991 _Massive hunt on for 'atomic goat'_ Helicopters and aircraft are searching vast stretches of New Mexico in America for a most unusual fugitive - a radioactive goat. Dubbed the "atomic goat", the animal escaped two months ago during one of those federal experiments that seemed like a good idea at the time. Luckily for it, but unhappily for the searchers, it does not glow in the dark. "We haven't seen it or heard from it for a long time," said Mr. Mike Fall, a researcher at the Denver Wildlife Research Centre. The animal is one of 62 Angora goats fitted with collars holding radioactive isotopes and radio transmitters. The transmitters were supposed to track the goats' movements on the Jornado experimental range in New Mexico and determine the hunting patterns of coyotes. The isotopes would identify any coyotes that killed the goats, ingested the radiation and later were captured. But 10 of the goats escaped to the wild, where they could mingle with Bighorn sheep, now on New Mexico's endangered species list. Experts worried that the goats could infect the sheep with a sexually transmitted disease and that predators would ingest the radiation, polluting the food chain. Nine of the fugitives were recaptured after only a short spell of unbridled freedom and were slaughtered, as were the 52 goats who chose to stay behind. Now, the last "atomic goat" roams free after two months. Researchers have been unable to pick it up on radio, possibly because the transmitter's battery has run down or he has managed to tear it off. Believing the animal has found a home on the range, airborne officers equipped with tracking devices are on the prowl. The orders: Get their goat. -Knight-Ridder- [Of course we all know that the Space Aliens got the goat. After all it disappeared in the Nightmare Alley Area. Probably taken by the same band of dimbulbs that got the fiberglass cows. I'm sure their scientst are still scratching the grey little heads over this on.] *************************************************************************** Lai See - South China Morning Post - 4 July 1991 _Rogues Gallery_ A chap we know who is professionally interested in financial skulduggery applauded the news that the government is looking for a private contractor to provide villainous-looking people for identity parades. "A few months ago, for a big fraud case, they needed five or six suspicious characters to be in a line-up with a guy who had defrauded millions of dollars out of people," he said. "They brought on these scurvy-looking drop-outs, with greasy hair, paint-splashed trousers and flip-flops. "Then the, er, suspect turned up - and he was wearing a cashmere coat, Italian shoes, and trousers with ironed creases in them. He looked like a million dollars: the million dollars he had cheated out of people." Our source added that it was important that more investment was put into the identity parade business, otherwise convictions would not stand. "We want actors," he said. "Not street sleepers." Anthony Perkins is good at this sort of thing, but we suppose he may be a bit pricey. *************************************************************************** Lai See - South China Morning Post - 4 July 1991 _Beggar's Opera_ Mrs. _Lai See_, whose idea of promoting the free flow of capital is to distribute her spouse's wages to beggars, spotted a worthy candidate this week. This was a wizened, apparently disabled old man in a wheelchair, plaintively begging in Chater Garden, Central. The first time she passed, he had barely enough strength to thrust his plastic cup at her. The second time she passed, it happened to be the end of his working shift. He climbed out of the wheelchair, placed his begging equipment on the seat, and effortlessly wheeled it away towards the Star Ferry, puffing happily at a cigarette and jingling the coins in his pocket. Will someone from the identity parades business give this man an acting job? *************************************************************************** South China Morning Post - 5 July 1991 _Martian Alarm for Kennedy_ The Director of the Crypto-Phenomena Museum in Malibu, California, has announced the discovery of a volcanic formation on Mars that looks like Senator Edward Kennedy. According to Jon Erik Beckjord, who found the 5.8-kilometre- wide formation in a satellite photograph in NASA's archives, the crater "gives the impression of a square face, with fat jowls, and a chin protruding out of the jowls. This is a characteristic look of Kennedy". "He's got similar eyes. You can see an eyebrow and a lock of hair coming down over the head, and there's a slight smirk, a satisfied looking smirk on the face," he said. Mr. Beckjord says he has found a number of other images on Mars, including one resembling Tammy Faye Bakker, wife of disgraced 'televangelist' Jim Bakker. Senator Kennedy, according to the _Washington Post_ newspaper, "expressed alarm" when told of the phenomenon. "I knew I should have stopped eating those Mars bars," he said. *************************************************************************** Lai See - South China Morning Post - 5 July 1991 _Slipped Disk_ The Hongkong office of software firm Microsoft has just launched its first "unerase" program, part of the DOS 5 package. If you have unwittingly erased your company's entire financial spreadsheet, this program will get it back. The firm may wish to send a copy to Bogota, capital of the South American nation of Colombia. A computer in that city has just eaten up the Colombian Constitution, according to the _Washington Post_. The document was stored on a computer, ready to be presented to the convention for a vote. Apparently there was no back-up disk. *************************************************************************** South China Morning Post - 11 July 1991 _Man leaking gas closes hospitals_ PERTH: The emergency rooms of two Australian hospitals were closed after lethal gas leaked from a man who swallowed pesticide tablets. The toxic fumes caused Swan Districts Hospital staff in suburban Perth to be evacuated and about 15 patients to be moved from the emergency room of Royal Perth Hospital. The incident also prompted a big fire brigade operation at Royal Perth, which police called in to close roads. The gas is inflammable as well as toxic. Several doctors, nurses and ambulance officers were treated for fume inhalation. The unidentified man was believed to have swallowed four tablets containing Phostoxin pesticide. He was found, collapsed but still alive, in suburban Perth early on Tuesday. When the tablets reacted with his body fluids, phosphine gas was emitted from his body. The gas can be fatal within minutes of inhalation. The emergency started shortly after two ambulance officers transported the sick man to Swan Districts Hospital. Ambulance deputy superintendent Mr. Wayne Kerslake said the officers noticed the fumes. As the smell became worse, they turned on the air conditioner to ventilate the vehicle. Staff at Swan Districts Hospital also detected the gas and decided to send the patient to Royal Perth for further treatment. Swan's emergency section was closed until chemical experts cleared the area about an hour later. The man dies about two hours after he was found. It was not known why he swallowed the tablets. -Associated Press- *************************************************************************** _P.S._ - Sunday Morning Post - 7 July 1991 _Clouded Intentions_ Diners at the American Club's topnotch Empress of China restaurant will have noticed the place has recently become a no- smoking zone, with a sign on the menu politely asking smokers to refrain from lighting up. But the restaurant appears bent on testing the resolve of frustrated smokers by providing an ashtray on each table with a box of matches. What do they expect diners to do? Set fire to the menu? *************************************************************************** _America_ - South China Morning Post - 8 July 1991 _A New Menace_ by Jon Marsh [reprinted without permission] Neighbours and friends beware, a new menace is on the loose. The millions of Americans who have been subjected to hours of misery at the hands of merciless home movie fanatics are awaiting the ultimate nightmare invitation: "You must come round and watch my latest operation." Yes, the surgery video has arrived. Surgeons across the country have begun giving videotapes of operations to their patients. The video is recorded by a tiny mobile camera lowered inside the body. A sound track provides running commentary by the surgeon as they snip away at the offending part. Karen Bennett held a party to show her gall bladder operation and got mostly favourable reviews. "At least you know they didn't leave anything in there," said one friends. "And it'll be something to show your kids one day." *************************************************************************** _P.S._ - Sunday Morning Post - 7 July 1991 _Shades of Difference_ Chinese Prime Minister Mr. Li Peng demonstrated some serious gaps in his general knowledge when he toured the pyramids of Egypt last week. Mr. Li compared what he had seen to China's Great Wall, saying the ancient structures symbolised "the wisdom of the working people in ancient times". Doesn't the Chinese leader know the pyramids were built by Slaves? Or, perhaps that was what he meant? South China Morning Post - 11 July 1991 _Tourist Fines_ VENICE: Stepping up their campaign against "bad mannered" tourists, Venice city officials have decided to fine visitors strolling bare chested or wearing bathing suits in the city. *************************************************************************** Sunday Morning Post Magazine - 7 July 1991 _A Sticky Problem for Phoneys_ It looks as if opponents of those abominable portable telephones have at last got their own caped crusader. He was spotted in action on the Star Ferry, where he delicately applied super-glue to the earpiece of a phone sticking out of the pocket of a gent in front of him. We're told there was consternation unlimited when the victim became attached to his toy. *************************************************************************** South China Morning Post - 12 July 1991 _Diners taste the high life and keep coming back for more_ Diners in a central Chinese city found the dishes at 70 restaurants so addicting they kept going back for more - at least until the authorities discovered the cooks' secret ingredient. Officials in Luoyang found the restaurants were putting opium poppy pods in dishes such as beef soup and wheat and rice noodles, the _Health Daily_ reported yesterday. The restaurant owners apparently wanted to guarantee high profits by establishing a string of regular customers. They brought in opium pods through various channels and put them into the soup and seasoning, the newspaper said. It added that the resulting dishes were not only addictive but could poison the liver and heart if too much of it was eaten. The sanitation inspectors who stumbled on to the secret ingredient then set about searching all of the city's restaurants for the poppy pods. They seized more than 5,000 kilograms from a range of food processors, including the 70 restaurants, the newspaper reported. It did not say if any arrests were made or if the customers were suffering lingering health effects. The case had "aroused the attention of leading cadres concerned in Henan province" and officials were treating it seriously. -Agence France Press- *************************************************************************** meanwhile - in America..... _America_ - South China Morning Post - 8 July 1991 _A Useful Contribution_ by Jon Marsh [reprinted without permission] New York's crack dealers are making a useful contribution to society after all. It appears that these overworked captains of the city's narcotics trade are excellent organ donors who meet all the strict medical criteria - they tend to get killed a lot, they usually get shot in the head, and they rarely take drugs themselves. "Few transplant professionals recognise the extent that New York's more than six murders a day has in some way provided us with the organs to practice our trade," Dr. Lewis Burroughs told a conference recently. "They're ideal. Most of them are crack dealers and they're too smart to use drugs. They can't practice their trade if they're on drugs." *************************************************************************** Sunday Morning Post - 6 July 1991 _Column Eight_ by Stuart Wolfendale [reprinted without permission] [stuff deleted] Apparently China is to erect a steel fence against Western bourgeois liberalism. I seriously doubt the necessity of this. It is largely beyond question that nothing and nobody would bust a gut to get into modern China in the first place. In fact internal ruptures and worse have been contracted by those wishing to go in precisely the opposite direction. In my several visits there I have already been impressed by China as the world's largest and most efficacious open prison. Inmates are given enough to do, and a very large space to do it in, without ever being given the slightest inclination to return if ever they are let out. Given too that there is not a decent bourgeois liberal drink to be had outside a five-star hotel, the place also doubles as the world's largest detoxification centre in the history of Betty Ford. Turning China into a closed institution worries me on several counts. For example, I fear for this steel fence thing. My only association with Chinese steel has been at the China Products tin opener level, and there the cutting head buckled and fell away in terror at the very sight of a bourgeois liberal tin of Del Monte peaches. If they build a fence of that stuff, Joshua of Jericho won't need trumpets so much as a penny whistle. [remainder deleted] =========================================================================== THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE =========================================================================== --SUBINK 1991