================================================================ THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 13 ================================================================ "Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * ________________________________________________________________ SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction: The Unlucky 13th! News: The Post Office Takes a Tougher Stance on Crime, Brawling at Peace Talks, Ill-Planned Product Names, the B-Day Party of The Century, the Archives Grow, More! OTISian Rants: The Pope's Birthday Speech, Do the Illuminati Control Santa Claus and is Elvis Alive? Other Rants: The Complete, Unedited S**t List So Many of You have Probably Seen Too Much of Before, A "Top-Ten" list for the President's State of the Union Address! ---------------------------------------------------------------- INTRODUCTION (Everything Forbidden is Optional) While I realize it's not fashionable these days, I have always had an abiding faith in superstition. I have never been able to step on a crack without cringing or make a hopeful comment without rapping the nearest piece of plywood. I believe in rice at wedings, and I doge the corsage there when ever possible. Ladders, spilled salt, balck cats, all give me the jitters. I will not speak ill of the dead. And here we are on issue 13. Well, so far the magic is working. Two friends decided it would be funny to drop a tour group into my hands ("Tell them a little bit about the vax") while I was CAing yesterday, on Friday I was forced to pledge myself to 10-20pgs of my comps done in a single week, and apparently several of my friends here have given up associating with me altogether. Sigh. I knew I should have skipped straight to 14. Judging from this issue, things will only get worse. The administration may very well take offence at the "S**T" list, edited as it is, liberals will probably object to the satanization of Santa Claus, conservatives will surely grill me on the "Top Ten" list for Bush's State of the Union Address, and, now that I've advertised it, Scott will probably tell me that the surprise this year is that they aren't REALLY giving me a b-day party at all haha, and I'll be mugged by the 7,000 people who've already paid their two bucks. My excuse for all this offensive material? It was all so FUNNY.... PJ _______ News ------- PURPS.STUFF GOOD OTIS IT GROWS! Since we last talked, over 60 files have been added to the archives. Many of these deal with the current war, and they won't be around long, as soon as I fill my quota (only 500 blocks to go) I will start deleting the oldest files there. They represent, in my humble opinion, very good coverage of the war, they are completely un-censored, and contain lots of information (like body counts, and the recent assassinations in Turkey) which have appeared no where else in the media. Read them. War time is a lousy time to be apathetic Kenyon students. OTISIAN NEWS WHAT WILL THE COLLEGE DO when the channel Six (four?) news team and the Columbus branch of the Hell's Angels show up at my birthday party THIS FRIDAY? Hard to say... but you can FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF, by showing up at lower Dempsey at 10:00pm- 2:00am. Beacuse we are not a fraternity, have something like 17 musicians playing (including Pimentos for Gus and, we hope, a certain faculty member), there will be a two dollar cover charge (musicians like to be PAID, don't ya know?). However, for that you get a heck of a lot of entertainment (including FREE BEER! HAIL OTIS!) and the chance to meet and dance with some of the strangest people on the face of the planet. (HAIL OTIS!) Folks, this is looking like the best party this campus has seen in a LONG while; you would do well to attend, everyone in the WORLD is invited, feel free to bring friends and bodyguards. OTHER NEWS Lai See - South China Morning Post - 02 January 1991 _Air-Head_ Concern has often been expressed on this page about the activities of market researchers, research and development specialists and so on. This particularly applies to the academic world, where people have a tendency to lose sight of the obvious. A Mr. Tetsuo Sugawara, a 24-year-old student at Yamagata University, has just asphyxiated himself after taping his nose and mouth shut "to observe the effect of breathing on body movement." It ceased. ____________________________________________________________________________ Lai See - South China Morning Post - 21 November 1990 _Crap Suzette_ Yes, those jokers in the international marketing departments are up to their tricks again. They always seem to forget to check foreign translations of their product names. Which is why Britain's _Punch_ magazine reports that available on supermarket shelves are: Nouveau Pschitt, an orange drink from France. Bimbo Bread, loaves from South America. Moron, wine from Italy Grated Fanny, canned fish from South America. Donkee Basterd Suker, sugar from Amsterdam. Craps, a milk chocolate bar from France. And a brand of toilet paper from Scandinavia called Krapp. ____________________________________________________________________________ The U.S. Postal Service ruled that a Johnsonville, NC, postmaster had to repay $44 in stamps & money orders that thieves made off with after he told them how to open a Postal Service safe in his grocery store. 4 gunmen had pistol-whipped him, threatened him, his wife, & 8 others & shot his son. The Postal Service said that he failed to "exercise reasonable care." In Jerusalem, several legislators brawled in the Knesset dining room over the lack of hospitality being shown a visiting Soviet peace delegation (whose members were watching). 431 Air National Guardsmen were flown to a Nashville Bowling Tournament in May 1980 at taxpayers' expense of $110,000. The Virginia Corrections Dept. decided to air-condition the death chamber at the State Penitentiary to make it "more comfortable for everybody." In 1974 the Consumer Product Safety Commission was forced to recall 80,000 buttons it had distributed to promote toy safety because they were found to be a danger to children. The buttons, which said "for kid's sake think toy safety," used a paint with dangerously high lead content, had sharp edges & parts that could be swallowed by a child. In the Prince George's County, MD, "escape-proof" correctional center's first year of operation, 13 prisoners were mistakenly released because of human or computer error. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- LETTERS TO THE EDITOR From: VAX001::TUCKER "RCT" 25-JAN-1991 22:18:22.52 Subj: movie goofs in PURPS Concerning Die Hard II, it has also been noted that if someone wanted to make a movie about an airport seizure that traps dozens of planes in the air, they could have picked a better setting. Washington-National (I think it was supposed to be National rather than Dulles, but it's been a while) has TWO other international airports within about a half-hour's flight time. ____________________________________________________________________________ From: VAX001::WINS%"" Regarding: >* Handmaid's Tale > Scene where Ophra(sp?) is holding yarn for Major's Wife, the amount > of yarn jump around erratically. The name of this handmaid was "Offred". Other handmaids were named "Ofglen" and "Ofwarren", and possibly others. This is somewhat important to the film, since it demonstrates the degree of subjection of the handmaids. They no longer had names of their own - just "of" attached to the name of their current commander. If "Offred" had later been assigned to Glen, her name would become "Ofglen". Fun, huh? -Spode :) ---------------------------------------------------------------- OTISIAN RANTS ---------------------------------------------------------------- (in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be revealed!) [THIS WEEK: The Pope's B-day Speech, Do the Illuminati control Santa Claus, is Elvis Dead, More!] POPE'S B-DAY SPEECH There are two things about that other Pope that have always bothered me; that bubble car and that damned window. The fact that he can go shooting around in that little white modified golf cart under a bullet proof bubble and a full police escort while I'm stuck in a dopey little 78 citation with a "Caution Wide Load" sticker on the front bumper and a dollar 98 K-Mart imitation police siren on the hood is bad enough, but then he gets the window. Here's a quick note for all you power mongers, if you want to be an insistant success do the following: find a cheap, fourth floor apartment somewhere with a window over-looking a small courtyard and start giving well advertized but difficult to hear speeches about the state of the world. It helps if you keep the speeches short and put a few of your best friends in the audience to cheer really loudly at odd intervals, drowing out your words. When your speeches are over hold impromptu press confrences with the 78 media organizations you anounced the speech to in a very small room elsewhere in the apartment. After the press has sat there squished for 25 minutes, send an official representative to appologize profusely that the pope has had some urgent bit of business come up and cannot attend today. Blamo. Instant success. It's not that I'm jealous or anything, but there is something about giving speeches from a window or ledge that seems to give people instant credibility, and instant association with the larger than life. (Hell, look what it did for Mussolini). U.S. presidents seem to prefer the casual approach, televised chats by the fireside with the dog and a kid, but I think the verdict of history (Curchill, Hitler, Napolean, Lennin, Stalin) is clear: if you want your message to stick, wizz 'em with a window or a ledge. Every year, while making this speech and promoting the good wholesome values of the OTISian faith, I think of that other Pope, and every year I make a point of asking for something real tall to stand on and make proclamations from, but, with the exception of a single soapbox from Preacher Tim, no one ever responds. So once again I have climbed up onto the oficial Papal CHAIR to give you my views on the past year. Well, forget it. This year I'm holding out for a ledge. PJ ___________________________________________________________________________ From: VAX001::WINS%"" From: szady@ATHENA.MIT.EDU Subject: A little light humour....do you realize that Santa Claus is an Illuminati plot? Date: Tue, 25 Dec 90 19:13:24 EST Yes, Santa Claus is actually an illuminati plot to make all Xians worship Satan. Just look at the evidence before you... 1. Santa/Satan name anagram 2. Dresses in Red and black 3. Friend of cloven-hoofed beasts 4. Lots of little "elf" helpers. 5. Lives in a cave in an isolated place 6. Knows who's been naughty and nice 7. Seduces people with large amounts of materialistic gifts/favors 8. Flies through the air on the night BEFORE Christmas. This is VERY similar to evil spirits flying through the air the night BEFORE All Saints Day (Halloween) 9. Uses "magic" to enter your house. 10. Is immortal. 11. One of them is known as "Saint Nick", the other "Old Nick" ____________________________________________________________________________ Subject: Is Elvis Really Dead? (Happy Birthday anyways!) NASA'S GALILEO PROBE FINDS NO EVIDENCE FOR ELVIS ON EARTH The Galileo science team today announced that the spacecraft's instruments failed to find any new traces of Elvis Presley during its flyby of Earth last December 8th. "It's a tough background subtraction problem," explained Dr. Edward B. Rock of Caltech. "We know the planet contains several thousand Elvis imitators. You have to distinguish the real thing from many objects of similar apperance." The method used involved interdisciplinary comparison from several of Galileo's sensors. "For example, an Elvis imitator would have a very similar appearance to Elvis in the SSI [Solid State Imaging] and NIMS [Near Infrared Mapping Spectrometer] data," said Dr. Graham Finale. "But no imitator has Elvis's magnetism." Researchers combined data from Galileo's sensitive magnetometer, mounted on a 36-foot (11 meter) boom, with optical, infrared, and ultraviolet measurements. They are capable of identifying a single genuine Elvis among all the other features of Earth's landscape. This is a very sensitive technique-- a feat equivalent to standing in St. Joseph, Missouri, and distinguishing a jellybean in a bowl of amphetamines in Memphis. Galileo investigators were cautious about ruling out the possible existence of Elvis. "We can only set an upper limit," said Dr. Rock. "And we're guessing to some extent at the profile we're looking for. If Elvis has lost weight, for instance, he'd have a different infrared signature." According to the science team, there are 0.21 plus or minus 0.17 Elvises on Earth, a number described as "consistent with zero." Though speculation has been published in some journals that evidence for Elvis might exist on other planets and moons in our solar system, most scientists agree that Earth is the most likely place to find him. "If, as the new results suggest, there's no Elvis on Earth," said Dr. Torrance California, "this lends weight to the supposition that he really is dead." ----- End Forwarded Message ----- Which reminds me..... In some article summarizing the significance of 1990, I did see a quote from a psychic to the effect that "It was more likely that Elvis was alive this year than it has been for the past several years." Perhaps the .21 Elvises found by the Galileo probe is only a harbinger of greater numbers of Elvises to come. *GASP* *shock* NOOOOOOOOOOO.......!!!!!!!!! =============================================================== OTHER RANTS =============================================================== (in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)From: VAX001::ZECCHIN "HPHEN OP ON HOPHFENUM ADPETICUS" Subj: the uncompleted work of s**t in its many forms Hello! Yesterday a strange thing happened at Stanford. A bunch of this nation's finest intellects gathered in the middle of the night and were melded in an orgiastic rampage of creativity and humor. Here is the outcome... the one, the only, the comprehensive S**t List! Feel free to make additions and show your friends (assuming you have any.) Of course I jest. On with the show... RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE Taoism: S**t happens. Confucianism: Confucius say, s**t happens. Buddhism If s**t happens, then it is not s**t. Zen: What is the sound of s**t happening? Hinduism: This s**t happened before. Islam: If s**t happens, it is the will of Allah. Protestantism: Let s**t happen to someone else. Catholicism: If s**t happens, you deserve it. Judaism: Why does this s**t always happen to us? Atheism: I don't believe this s**t. Agnosticism: What is this s**t? MORE RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE Voodooism: This is chicken s**t. Satanism: Sneppah tihs. (say it backwards...) Idolatry: Let's bronze this s**t. Mormonism: No s**t allowed. Moonyism: Give me all your s**t so I can buy a Rolls. Jehovah's witness: S**t comes around at 7 a.m. Manichaeism: There is good s**t and bad s**t. Apocalypticism: Repent, for the s**t is going to hit the fan. Lutheranism: S**t works in mysterious ways. PHILOSOPHICAL VIEWS OF LIFE Utopianism: This s**t don't stink. Skepticism: I don't know about this s**t. Communism: It's everybody's s**t. Nazism: Heil S**tler! Cartesianism: I s**t, therefore I am. Nietszcheism: Supers**t! Epicureanism: Enjoy this s**t while it lasts! Freudism: Blame this s**t on your mother. Shintoism: This s**t is made in Japan. Feminism: Men are s**t. Chauvinism: We may be s**t, but you can't live without us. Surrealism: Finger painting. Conservatism: S**t doesn't change. Liberalism: Let's change this s**t. Vegetarianism: Mulch! Cynicism: Eat s**t and die. Impressionism: From a distance, s**t looks like a garden. Realism: S**t is s**t is s**t. Commercialism: Let's package this s**t. Existentialism: S**t! Transcendentalism: Return to s**t. Deconstructivism: Diarrhea. Multiculturalism: Our s**t is different, but we can appreciate it. Racism: Our s**t is better than yours. Classicism: Constipation. Pacifism: Make love, not s**t. Materialism: The more s**t, the better. Cafeteriaism: Do we have to EAT this s**t? Mysticism: Ooooh, s**t. Feudalism: You're bound to my s**t. Creationism: Let there be s**t. Paganism: Holy s**ts!!!!! Egelitarianism: All s**t is created equal. Yellow journalism: S**t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Patriotism: Love s**t or leave s**t. Tetrisism: S**t, I need a long piece!! George Lucasism: Star s**t Sadomasochism: Whips 'n chains 'n s**t That's all folks! Post me with any additions. Jordan: zork. Jamie: This isn't sesame street! Yours, Risa A BIT OF KENYON Gates of hellism: Donahue thinks his s**t don't stink Kenyonism: Same s**t different day! Otisism: Hail Bull S**t!! Popeism: Hail Super Bull S**t Spodeism: S**t comes in brown paper packages English Majorism: Bloody S**t!! Vaxism: Worthless s**t Administrationism: Throwing the s**t Drinking Gameism: Getting s**t faced Bushism: A thousand points of s**t Sadammism: S**t Can U Duck? BU-SHyism: BU-ll SH-it CAism: C-an't A-nswer for s**t ------- Not Yours, The Zeck Man A BIT OF JUSTIN ESTES Justin-Estezism: Buttloads of s**t Zecchinism: That blows chunks of s**t Scottism: Mmm, tasty s**t... Justin-Hillism: Blow the s**t away Drewism: It may stink, but it's cool s**t (not to be confused with Druidism: natural s**t) Carrotism: Bush is s**t Tofferism: I haven't eaten s**t in days Estesism II: Keep on rockin' in the free s**t Bourgeois-Liberalism: Land to the s**ts Bushism: In the new world order, s**t don't stink ____________________________________________________________________________ Top Ten Facets of Bush's State-of-the-union Speech 10) Kept profanity to a minimum 9) Cue card girls were outfitted by Frederick's (sp) of Hollywood 8) Snuck the phrase 'penis breadth' by the censors 7) Dan Quayle stayed awake for almost half of the speech 6) Excellent use of hand puppets to enhance critical points 5) Clever way of using the name of Mother Theresa and Saddam Hussein in the same sentence 4) Advancing age has not dulled Bush's eloquent speaking voice 3) Provided two more clues to Pepsi's 'Crack the Code' contest 2) Maintained composure while an obviously intoxicated Barbara Bush was dragged from the room ..and the Number One Facet of Bush's s-o-t-u speech 1) President's speech did not pre-empt 30 year-old B-grade movie showing on cable super-station TBS. ________________________________________________________________ THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 13 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Neither censored nor edited. Deal.