================================================================ THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1,#10 ================================================================ "Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ******************************** ***** ************************************ ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * ________________________________________________________________ SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction: PARTY INVITATION! SUBMIT TO THE "GOLDEN 11TH"! APOLOGY TIME! News: Mistaken Identities! Madonna's New Video! Introducing: E_U_N_U_C_H_S, the operating system for no one in particular! MORE! OTISian Rants: AN OTISian X-MASS! How to Become a Broadcaster on NPR! A decidedly Erudite Publication asks for YOUR help! Other Rants: Chewing gum habits! Yeast Massacres! What Erisians go on about after dinner! "Can you Say 'Millivanilli'"? The Coveted Last Word! More! ---------------------------------------------------------------- INTRODUCTION ("I've got this hammer and you have your knee caps. Well, I guess we're all set, then."-- OTISian Preacher Tim Howland, from his book "Gentle Persuasion") Like Christmas lights, department stores sales, mistle toe, and columnist's calls for New Year's resolutions, this issue of Purps is a little early this holiday season. First of all, we're deeply sorry (Hail Brow!), but we do have an explanation (Hail Soap!). I will be on vacation for three weeks starting around the 20th and, hence (quite planned, trust me), I will be nowhere near a terminal connected to the internet. So, I thought I'd give you all the X-Mass issue early. Besides, we here a Kenyon are right in the middle of an academic "crunch", and a little levity might not be such a bad thing (HAIL Spode!). For those of you who are receiving this via Quartz or one of our other numerous (and growing, Hail OTIS!) posting areas, PLEASE notice the new address at the top of the issue. Mail to the old decnet address WILL NO LONGER GET THROUGH. This is why you haven't heard from me in a while. It's not (only? :)) that I hate you. A CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS!: As I said in the last issue, Purps would love submissions from you all for the golden 11th issue. I'd like a lot of "viewer mail" in this one. Write and let us know what you think of the 'zine. Pro and con... LASTLY: EVERYONE READING THIS IS HEREBY FORMALLY INVITED TO THE GREATEST OTISian CELEBRATION OF THE YEAR: THE POPE'S B-DAY PARTY! That's right, true believers, everybody reading this message is now invited to an all out birthday bash for Pope Geoffe I of the IGHF, expect an entire night of fun, frolic, and out in out riotous OTISian celebration. I can't tell you much more than that since it's been a tradition of mine to let my friends surprise me in the most interesting way possible (with *Athem* certain limitations) on my B-Day; two years ago they blindfolded me, led me around in the snow for 45 minutes listening to Monty Python's "I Like Traffic Lights", and then presented me with my official OTISian robes. (Honest, Mom, they're the best friends a guy could want). However, expect an exceedingly good time, and maybe a live band... WHEN: Sat. the 10th of Feb. WHERE: Kenyon College campus, Gambier, OH. WHERE!?!: Send me a message and I'll provide instructions. If you come from a distance (i.e. you don't live here) we can put you up (albeit on a dorm room floor), and probably give you a meal ($2.30, all you can eat of the same food they give you on airlines... what a bargain!.. if they catch you, otherwise free...). NO NEED FOR AN INVITE. JUST BRING THE TERMINAL ON WHICH THIS NOTE APPEARED! PJ. _______ News ------- PURPS.STUFF-- Once again we have new addresses here. Please pay close attention to the header. We're not ignoring you; you have the wrong address. Also, "Purps" is now FULLY COMPATIBLE with the new Eunuchs (TM) operating system (see attached ad below): OTISIAN NEWS: =======================Advertisement============================= The PURPS R&D department proudly presents: "E_U_N_U_C_H_S" The Operating System for No One in Particular ----------------------------------------------- ___________________ | DOS | <---THIS is the stack of --------------------------- manuals you need for the other | Understanding 5.1 | guy's operating system ------------------------------------ | BASIC | | COMMANDS | ----------------------------------------- | Why Men Hate Computers That Love Them | ----------------------------------------- | Understanding | | Basic Point & | | Click | -------------------------------------- | War & Peace | ---------------------------------- | Nested Command Structures | (Phew! Makes you catch your ------------------------------ breath, huh?) ___________________________________________ |Why I like the Eunuchs Oppertaing System | <-- This is all the ------------------------------------------- manual that comes with EUNUCHS AND FOR A GOOD REASON! (Well, three, actually...) 1. IT DOESN'T DO MUCH. Our technicians have spent many long hours making EUNUCHS quite literally THE least complicated operating system not yet on the market. To do this they took a perfectly good operating system developed by a rival firm and deleted all of the complicated functions. Then, they doubled the price. So DON'T waste your valuable time learning complex commands you'll never use! With EUNUCHS, they don't do anything, anyway! EUNUCHS is so simplified, in fact, that you'll be lucky if you get it to do anything beyond printing out a simple directory and showing a text file! Don't muck around with complex operating systems ever again! 2. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER USE IT ANYWAY! (So who needs a complex manual?) One of the nicest features of EUNUCHS is that it takes up very little space. In fact, there's no need to abandon your current operating system, EUNUCHS WILL FIT RIGHT ALONG SIDE IT WITH NARRY A COMPLAINT!* You'll hardly know it's there! You'll hardly give a d-mn, anyway! 3. Actually, there is no number three. We screwed up. Um... sorry. It won't um happen again. E_U_N_U_C_H_S- The next step in operating system technology. E_U_N_U_C_H_S- only 1995959595.. umm... 95. E_U_N_U_C_S- Not Available in ANY Stores! *(save for the occasional hard disk delete...) ===================Advertisement================================= OTHER NEWS ============================================================ "MTV has pulled the plug on Madonna's new video, 'Justify My Love'. In black and white, it portrays fantasies involving voyeurism, bisexuality, cross-dressing and mild sadomasochism. 'Why is it that people are willing to go to a movie and watch someone get blown to bits for no reason, and nobody wants to see two girls kissing or two men snuggling?' Madonna said." =============================================================== A Westchester, NY man shot & killed his wife while hunting, telling police he had mistaken her for a woodchuck. ============================================================================ A man shot & killed his friend Laurel Lange of LaCrosse, WI, while hunting, telling police he mistook Lange for a squirrel. ============================================================================ A 33-yr-old Virginia Beach, VA man told police that he'd mistaken his mother-in-law for a large raccoon when he killed her in his garage with a hatchet in 1981. He said that after he hit her once, he realized it was his mother-in-law and then he hit her again. "I...snapped or something," he said. He was later convicted of 2nd-degree murder. During his trial, his wife testified out of loyalty that she had committed the crime. [There seems to be a pattern developing here. I think it's definitely time to put the Easter Bunny suit back in the closet... PJ] ============================================================================ A St. Louis, MO woman killed Joel Robinson by running over his head with her car. She explained to police, who charged her with 1st-degree murder, that she has mistaken Robinson for her boyfriend, with whom she had quarreled. [On the other hand... PJ] ============================================================================ In 1987, a 61-year-old retired Army sergeant shot a woman he mistook for his estranged wife outside a church in Rochester, NY. "I'm sorry about the other woman," he told police. "I meant to kill my wife, but I forgot my glasses." ============================================================================ State prison officials in Arizona announced in 1984 that they would handle inmates who continually behave "in ana unacceptably manner" by serving them meat loaf for 21 consecutive meals. "Who says food served to incorrigible inmates has to be aesthetically attractive & tasteful?" said John Turner, a state Corrections Dept. spokesperson. The Arizona Civil Liberties Union challenged the get-tough policy as "cruel & unusual punishment." ============================================================================ These are some of the MANY discographies available on vacs.uwp.wisc.edu (131.210.1.1) by anonymous FTP. If you have a discography you would like added or you would like any of these via E-Mail, please mail datta@vacs.uwp.wisc.edu. -dave [I have edited this list severely for space. People with FTP privileges might also want to much around MIT's Athena BBS telneting there (address available in the LIBRARIESCOM in the Purps Archives) lets you do something similar to this semi-interactively) PJ] File Artist Author =============== =============================== =================== akiko Yano Akiko John Leo aon Art of Noise Lazlo Nibble bauhaus Bauhaus Dan Kletter buffett Jimmy Buffett Bill Hunter chills The Chills Dave Parrott clapton.1 Eric Clapton (Long Version) Tom Bowers costello Elvis Costello Tom Bowers cramps Cramps John Reeves cure The Cure Nancy Everson doors Doors Scott Galuska dylan Bob Dylan Anthony Kapolka erasure Erasure Cliff Che FTP Users: All of the files in /pub/discog are stored in compressed form with the .Z extension and are processed with the Unix 'compress' command. If you cannot process these files, look in the /pub/discog/uncompressed subdirectory. -Dave datta@vacs.uwp.wisc.edu ---Don't you wish there was good fractal technology in the 60's?--- ---------------------------------------------------------------- OTISIAN RANTS --------------------------------------------------------------- (in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be revealed!) This Week: An OTISian X-Mass. My father gives joke gifts (slinky toys-- as opposed, I suppose to the real thing; why DO they name them that?). My grandmother gives Oxford button-downs, PLAID OXford, button downs, mind you, and nothing else. My mother give me sweaters. Lots of sweaters. I have considered opening a store (unfortunately my sources inform me that there is no great market demand for yellow fisherman's this year). My grandfather gives me whatever Grandma buys while he's not looking, and, less often, a piece of fishing equipment (not generally attached to a note asking if he could borrow it, but there might as well be, you know?). My sister usually aims better, but often gives the same gift over and over for a number of years. My Great- Grandmother, of course, gives me a check worth $1.00 for every year old she thinks I am. For the past 12 years it has been equal to all of six dollars. But none of this is anywhere NEAR as bad as the traditional X-Mass celebration with the god(esse)s. Picture, if you will, and even if you won't, this: Dec. 28th, 1989 "So, do you like it?" OTIS asked, face buried in the very LARGE stocking I'd stuffed and hung for him/her. "I'm not sure", I said cautiously, "If the electric eel goes well with the hot tub." OTIS looked up. "Spode!" There was a muted snicker from the room around the corner. "Sorry." said OTIS, "Um, SOMEHOW the tags got switched around. Ah!" (S)he pulled a tag reading "From Spode" off a much smaller package and handed it to me. "Here you go. Open it." I tore carefully at the wrapping. "Socks." I said after a minute, and added "Thank you." "MATCHING socks" added OTIS knowingly. "Matching socks." I corrected myself. "Now" said OTIS, stuffing her/his face with a chocolate snack "You'll never have that problem again." I considered explaining that one pair of matching socks didn't really solve the problem, but then reconsidered. "I suppose", I mumbled, "I could always through away all the other ones..." "Attaboy!" whispered Lotus in my ear, slapping my back gently. "Wouldn't want to ruin his/er X-mas!" "My turn!" yelled Spode waltzing into the room. "Let's see, let's see... ah! here we are!" he smiled brightly "'From Pope Geoffee I to Spode.' Can't wait to see what you got me." He reduced the tissue paper to shreds. "A joy buzzer! A GOLD-PLATED joy buzzer!" Brass, actually, but I didn't want to burst his bubble. "Thanks Geoffee I." On to him, I didn't take the hand. Spode grinned evilly. "Gotta go find Rotus." He was off in a flash. From the other room a few moments later, the sound of a buzzer, and of furniture being thrown. "Probably," said Preacher Tim, coming in from the kitchen with a hot cup of wassail, "not a wise thing to do to the God of death." "Hmmm." I said, "Did I ever tell you how happy I am that we celebrate this little soire at your place?" Tim didn't hear. "Someone", he said, "had better keep him away from Brow." OTIS sighed heavily and rose from the couch. "I'll get it back from him." He paused for a moment at the door and turned "You have no idea how difficult it is being both father and mother to these clowns." "Well, now, I guess it's just us!" Said Lotus as he rummaged through the gifts, "Here!" He handed us each identical boxes. "Matching tuxes." I said. "Paisley tuxes", added Tim, and indeed they were, completely constructed of red and god paisley fabric. "Like 'em?" Said Lotus grinning broadly. Tim paused. "You gave everyone the same thing." "Sure did." he said "Prevents fights. No one gets jealous." "Ah, " I said. --- AND THAT'S ALL FOR NOW! THERE WILL BE MORE OF 'AN OTISIAN X-MASS' NEXT ISSUE, WHEN WE'LL Learn what confirmed pagans are doing celebrating this holiday...anyway. Join us. ============================================================================ Dear List Organizers and List Members: We would appreciate your sharing this seven-screen Announcement of an Electronic Journal. Thanks. Ted Jennings Ron Bangel **** About _EJournal_, part 1; approximately 2 screens -- _EJournal_ is an all-electronic, Bitnet/Internet distributed, peer-reviewed, academic periodical. We are particularly interested in theory and praxis surrounding the creation, transmission, storage, interpretation, alteration and replication of electronic text. We are also interested in the broader social, psychological, literary, economic and pedagogical implications of computer-mediated networks. Texts that address virtually any subject across this broad spectrum will be given thoughtful consideration. Members of the electronic-network community and others interested in it make up a large portion of our audience. Therefore we would be interested (for example) in essays about whether or not anyone should own a communication that has been shared electronically, about the pragmatics of cataloguing and indexing electronic publications, about net-based collaborative learning, about artful uses of hypertext, about the challenges that distance learning may offer to residential campuses, about the role of The Matrix in cultural history and Utopian polemic, about digitally recorded aleatoric fiction, about the significance of resemblances between the electronic matrix and neural systems, . . . and so forth. The journal's essays will be available free to Bitnet/Internet addresses. Recipients may make paper copies; _EJournal_ will provide authenticated paper copy from our read-only archive for use by academic deans or other supervisors. Individual essays, reviews, stories-- texts --sent to us will be disseminated to subscribers as soon as they have been through the editorial process, which will also be "paperless." We expect to offer access through libraries to our electronic Contents, Abstracts, and Keywords, and to be indexed and abstracted in appropriate places. _EJournal_ is now soliciting essays for possible publication. We will be happy to consider reviews, letters, and (eventually) annotations that ought to accompany texts we have already published. We would be happy to add interested specialists and generalists to our panel of consulting editors. Please send essays for review, and inquiries, to ejournal@albnyvms.bitnet ejournal@rachel.albany.edu Ted Jennings, Editor, _EJournal_ Department of English, University at Albany, State University of New York Ron Bangel, Managing Editor (acting) University at Albany, SUNY ============================================================================ From: eiverson@NMSU.EDU Subject: [eiverson@nmsu.edu: Re: Skills for Broadcasters] I'd be interested in reading opinions on the following question: What are the most important skills for a person working at a public radio station to have? The skills needed to work at a public radio station vary greatly from individual to individual. As such, there is no clear consensus on which skills are most important. However, the following skill exercises have certainly worked for me: (1) Learn to tell time. Your days in rock music where you could just say "it's the top of the hour" are over. You need to actually tell time. (2) Repeat the phrase "I'm Martin Booksbann I'm Martin Booksbann" over and over until you really believe it. Try eventually working up to mimicking William F Buckley or Jean Kirkpatrick. (Actually the same person!) (3) Give an ongoing synopsis of your daily activities as if you were summarizing the plot of "Tristan and Isolde." You can be Tristan and/or Isolde as circumstances warrent. If friends become bored, you are on the right track. (4) Never ever use the word "dude" in public. (5) Know the correct syllable count of such names as "Prokofiev" "Scriabin" and "Rimsky-Korsakov" (1, 3, and 27 respectively) Also, learn how to say "Gounod" and "Kunzel" without giggling. If you follow these simple rules, you can be the public radio employee you always dreamed to be. Free mug upon completion of the course, and a 10 dollar donation during pledge week! -- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Eric Iverson Internet: eiverson@nmsu.edu Computing Research Lab Box 30001/3CRL Life is something to do when New Mexico State University you can't get to sleep. Las Cruces, NM 88003-0001 -Fran Lebowitz VOICE: (505) 646-5711 FAX: (505) 646-6218 =============================================================== OTHER RANTS =============================================================== (in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all) [Three years ago Dan was the only man ever to ALMOST send the newly formed IGHF (that's "Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes" for all you virgins, the FIRST FULLY REGISTERED OTISian worshiping organization in existence and the Last True Faith on this pathetic Little Planet. I run it.) so I figure I owe him one. :} Besides, he's really quite funny... And a hell of a poet, too. I don't suppose you've written a "Purps" worthy piece there, Dan? Dan graduated from the same school as Johnathon Winters a while ago, and now is an unemployed artist. Most recently he has taken to impersonating a woman in a game of Ars Magica. :}] From: VAX001::CHADWICK "Alfred Überhacker Makertail ('Squirrel')" Chewing Gum and other Mating Habits of the High School Student -------------------------------------------------------------- I say "and other Mating Habits" because many habits of high school students relate to mating. Some behaviors of students, however, do not relate to mating. They are believed instead to be food-gathering and primitive social instincts. For those who have not had the opportunity to engage in a close study of high school students, I can give a few basic facts before going into an in-depth study of the behaviors of which I am writing. High school students are divided into four sub-species. The freshman is the lowest sub-species as far as development and intra-species status are concerned. Next on the developmental/status ladder is the sophomore, and then the junior. Highest of all is the senior. These animals seem to thrive equally well in the wild or in captivity. This has led some courageous individuals to attempt restraint of them in their captive state. This restraint is currently impossible, as the high school student is a notoriously determined being who dislikes any attempt to curtail what they refer to as their "freedom". Mixed rewards and restrictions have been slightly more successful, some to the point of getting a very few students to half-willingly enter captivity for the six hours that has been deemed by wise men and women to be the longest amount of time that the student can be kept out of the wild...while the student thrives well in captivity for longer than such time, the environment in which the student is placed fares rather less well. Even in the wild, however, students are monitored by people, as otherwise the students' behavior pattern would quickly lead to the destruction of the world. I now begin my study of specific student behaviors: Chewing Gum... Although chewing gum is manufactured elsewhere now, it is my theory that it was originally secreted naturally by the mouth of the student. It is certain that this process still goes on, and the high school student uses the gum secretion to mark its territory. It does so in a unique manner -- by sticking it to the undersides of flat surfaces. In captivity, this can lead to some sanitary problems with the undersides of tables. Noises... Students in captivity have been observed to produce strange noises such as "fug" and "sht" and "mthrfug" (believed to be an advanced form of "fug"). It is not certain whether these sounds are examples of communicative behavior or normal involuntary noises made during the respiratory process. Smoke... Some students have been observed to breathe smoke from their mouths and noses. This has led certain learned observers to conclude that the student is distantly related to the ancient species of dragon (now believed extinct). The blustering, showy behavior of the male student also tends to support this theory. It is conjectured that in the male, the breathing of smoke and blustery behavior are part of a "mating show" designed to attract the female student. If this is the case, then the breathing of smoke by the female student may well support the hypothesis that smoke is mutually sexually attractive to students. Research is still being conducted. --Alfred Überhacker Makertail ("Squirrel") Dissenting opinions or additional research may be addressed to me at Chadwick's boarding house (Kenyon address: VAX001::CHADWICK BitNet address: CHADWICK@VAX001.KENYON.EDU ========================================================================== From ben@media-lab.media.mit.edu Tue Dec 4 14:49:24 1990 Yesterday,in conversation, discussion was made as to future generations using in everyday language the term Milli-Vanilli hence my addition to the 1991 edition of Webster's: Mil-li-Va-nil-i (Slang 1990) 1.v.To take authorized credit for someone's work, and displaying an attitude and image as if it was well earned and deserved(i.e. That professor Milli-Vanillied my thesis.) 2.n. A person or group that acts like, says that it is, and defends itself of the truth only to be revealed as a front to bunch of idiotic and artless neer dowells. ============================================================================ From: IN%"GRIDLEY@maine.maine.edu" "David Gridley" 28-NOV-1990 23:41:14.93 To: BARKER@ACC.FAU.EDU Subj: The horrors of baking Did you know? EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, APPROXIMATELY 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE KILLED. ____________________________________________________________________________ Come to the award-winning 1987 film, "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. "A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't." +------------------------------------+ | Evening showing in Johnson & Wales | | Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 | +------------------------------------+ ============================================================================ SPONSORED BY Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) Student Bakers for Social Responsibility Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters ============================================================================ Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!" This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper. =========================================================================== From: VAX001::WINS%"FAUVAX::BARKER@SERVAX.FIU.EDU" 1-DEC-1990 11:05:38.11 Subj: and you thought an after dinner chat at Mt. Olympus was confusing. Well here you go. More or less raw though I edited out all my private cross talk since that will only confuse matters more. I suppose you should just pick out the good parts if there are any. I just send you all if it in case you wanted it. This is not made up these are indeed real folks on relay. Other people I don't know or don't recall or any of that business. Probably you shouldn't print who these people are. I don't know how people take kindly to having their convos intercepted and published. where is the universe expanding TO anyway?? it's expanding to make room for more malls. pich who said the universe is expanding and place to store all those home videos b----- we could do artichokes ..... mal hehehe kang: my buddy carl... Kang: True... mal the shoe event horizon limits that doesn't it ? kang: yeah it does come to think of it :-) Hello? What's the topic? pich oh him .... who told him :) kang: but what does he know... he's more of a TV personality at this point 'the universe slowly expanded over billions and billions of years filling up with billions and billions of shopping malls' Pich: I have nightmares about them. pich mal containing BILLIONS and BILLIONS of shoe stores Mal: The shopping mall being the fundamental particle of gaudiness pich well he could have helped when the martians took santa Mall--that most fundamental particle, having the properties of volume and parking space, and gaudiness, but no intelligence or substance whatsoever... hi guys mean guys! do you mind me here? hi e----- mean? oh we are very mean. i don't , welcome ah thats it !!!!! I know the ultimate question ! relax Mal. Hi to the rest! the answer to witch is now known to be 42 ! what is it? mal i am meaner than the grinch .... ask anyone no no the ultimate question is why do open 24 hour a day stores have locks on their doors if they never close? sigh... the average IQ of a mall worker? kang: you mean why do you think they call me mal? :-) mal: some don't have locks mal i know the answer to that one Mal: In case religious fanatics storm the place. mal when the clerk needs to go to the bath room or mop the floors or lock out the world pich no no , 42 is much bigger mal er no ... why do they call you mal ? gridlock ... yeah :) yale &opn oops... hi ara-- G----, ara-- why would religious fanatics storm a 7-11? Mal: Because of all the sinful products they sell hi, whats up?? how was everyones turkey day? mal you know , to convert the heathen , to smash the den's of iniquity mal: out of extreme discontent with the watered down big gulps... gridlock: hmm yeah 'big gulp' is kinda suggestive and titillating. ara-- all gone :( hi eggplant reset by operator? what kind of a topic was that? ============================================================================ LAST WORD! --------- Quote for the day: "Utinam barabari spatium proprium tuum invadant!" (May barbarians invade your personal space.) Should be a way to pervert this to Otis' cause...Utinam Otisiani, perhaps? [BEHOLD THE NEW OTISian PHRASE: Utinam OTISiani spatium proprium tuum invadant!-- May OTIS invade your personal space!... or, if you prefer "Utinam Brow rosum gardum proprium tuum visitant!-- May Brow appear and stay in your rose garden! ________________________________________________________________ THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Neither censored nor edited. Deal.