================================================================= THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #3 ================================================================= "Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: Electronic Magazine" PURPS%VAX004.DECNET@VAX001.KENYON.EDU" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * ________________________________________________________________ SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction News- Contests! Contests! Contests!, Spontaneous Human Combustion!!, More!!! OTISian Rants-- Secret Societies! Other Rants-- GATES OF HELL LOCATED! Saddam Hussain on "America's Funniest Home Videos" ---------------------------------------------------------------- INTRODUCTION ("Never Pet a Burning Dog") Well, here it is again, and this time I've been a tad more selective about the material going in. Which is not to say, really, that submissions are up. Frankly, I didn't get overwhelming amounts of feedback from you all this time through, and much of it I "spaced", deleting it zealously before thinking "OH! I could have used that." The good news is that my disk quota is UP to a "big" 1,000 blocks, so next issue this will not happen. But let me reiterate my request, SEND ME WEIRD STUFF. Anything will do. Submissions for our two new contests (see below) are extremely welcome, but if OTIS moves you in any mysterious, or other, way, please send the by-product here and I will happily re-print it. As you can see from our content thus far nothing is too weird, too deranged, too wigged out, too hip, or too silly. So, how do you like the new logo? I spent all of ten minutes working on it, and, frankly, I think it shows. Suggestions for improvement and actual replacements are both welcome. You KNOW where to reach me. The other strange thing that happened to the header is the addition there of my full Bit.net address. Anyone on "the net" wanting this 'zine need only write and ask, and all out there are more than welcome to donate subscriptions (hint-hint, happiness don't come cheap, folks). A brief update on the BBS Saga: Nothing has happened. The dis.list this magazine goes out to has been updated again. I'll reprint it in full at the end of this issue. Get to know your fellow Purps.members. "Pope" Joeffe 1 _______ News ------- PURPS.STUFF >>The Joke That Never Ends OK, here are two more for you. :-x (Harelip) @:-) (Elvis- notice the haircut please). That's enough for now, kids. Please stop sending them in.... >>CONTESTS GALORE!! >>Story Contest PURPS is now taking submissions for the first ever OTISian story contest! Stories should be of any length and have something to do with OTIS or OTISianism (mentioning one or the other explicitly at any time wouldn't help.) The "OTISian Rants" section of the first two "Purps" are one possible source of inspiration, as is anything from the OTISian USPS list (if you're on that). Send your submissions to Stevensj (local) or STEVENSJ%52225@mps.OHIO-STATE.edu (bitnet). Anything that amuses me enough I will print. "Winner" receives the warm satisfied feeling from the knowledge of a job well done and possible redemption at Ragnarock (if you really impress me I may hand out indulgences). >> Art Contest! I know what you're thinking. How can an all text on-line magazine possibly have an art contest? Well, there's actually only one way.... Yes, faithful followers, we're having an Asterix Art Contest! Mind blowingly dull, less fun than having your teeth pulled, asterix art (art like the arrows at the beginning of this issue) is the favorite mode of expression for drooling psychopaths, complete social rejects and budding Leanardos. Never-the-less you're encouraged to try it. "Draw" something, anything, with asterixes (or any other single/combination of text characters) and mail it to one of the addresses listed above (ha ha, I'll bet you skipped right OVER that article, didn't you, well, now you'll HAVE to go back and read it). OTHER NEWS S P O N T A N E O U S H U M A N C O M B U S T I O N No longer a burning issue... By Al Seckel Have you ever gotten so mad that you felt that you were about to burn up? Well, in 1984 the Journal of the International Association of Arson Investigators published a lengthy two-part report that found possible prosaic explanations for the best known cases of that bizarre, gruesome, and seemingly inexplicable phenomenon known as spontaneous human combustion. In other words, the best evidence now suggests that you can't spontaneously ignite. Through the years many medical experts and forensic pathologists have dismissed spontaneous human combustion as an impossibility, but there has always remained enough documented cases and evidence for a smoldering controversy. There exist about two dozen modern cases where a claim involving spontaneous human combustion has been made. The best-documented modern case is that of Mrs. Mary Reeser, a 67-year-old widow who died in 1951. Her remains were discovered in her bedroom within a blackened circle on the floor about four feet in diameter. This case was unusual because the fire had no apparent cause and a pile of newspapers less than a foot away bore no signs of scorching. There are several peculiarities to the alleged cases of spontaneous human combustion. First, the torso, even including the bones, were often reduced to a greasy ash, while the extremities, particularly the legs, were often spared. Secondly, the victims were elderly, obese, and alcoholic. The fact that almost all of the victims were alcoholic led some early theorists, including members of the temperance movement, to suggest that alcohol-impregnated tissues were rendered highly combustible. This theory, however, was disputed by scientists who pointed out that a person would die of alcohol poisoning long before imbibing enough alcohol to have any effect on the body's flammability. A more plausible explanation, however, suggests that the victims were so impaired by alcohol that they were unable or very slow to react when they started to burn. A recent two-year investigation by Dr. Joe Nickell, a private detective and Dr. John Fisher, a forensic analyst with the crime laboratory of the Orange County Sheriff's Office in Orlando, Florida revealed even more significant correlations behind the thirty most significant spontaneous human combustion cases. Nickell and Fisher found that in those instances where the destruction of the body was relatively minimal, the only significant fuel source seems to have been the individual's clothes, but where the destruction was considerable, additional fuel sources - chair stuffing, wooden flooring, floor covering, and so on augmented the combustion. Such materials under the body appear also to have helped retain melted fat that flowed from the body and then volatilized and burned, destroying more of the body and yielding still more liquefied fat to continue the burning process. In the cases that Nickell and Fisher researched they always found plausible sources of ignition - proximate candles, cigarettes, lamps, fireplaces, etc. This sort of evidence would seem to demonstrate an external rather than an internal source of ignition. The 92-year-old pipe-smoking Dr. Bentley frequently dropped burning ashes. This was evident from the many burns found on his bedroom rug. Evidently he tried to make his way into the bathroom with his walker in a futile attempt to extinguish his burning robe. His robe was found smoldering in the bathtub. Or in the case of the aforementioned Mrs Reeser: She was last seen sitting in an overstuffed chair wearing a nightgown and housecoat and was smoking a cigarette. In addition, she had told her son that she had taken two sleeping pills. The poor woman probably fell asleep in her chair and the burning ashes fell on her chair and ignited, but they only smoldered, which is not unusual. Smoldering heat can consume entire pieces of furniture without any flames breaking out. Nickell and Fisher also found that the fire did spread in Mrs Reeser's apartment. An adjacent end table and lamp were destroyed and a ceiling beam had to be extinguished when firemen arrived. The floor was untouched because it was made of concrete. Nickell and Fisher found that the proponents of spontaneous human combustion often omitted such important details in their published accounts. After all, you can make a mystery out of anything by leaving out half the facts. ----------------------------------------------------------------- OTISIAN RANTS _________________________________________________________________ (in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be revealed!) This time: JOIN OUR NEW SECRET SOCIETY HEY KIDS!! Is Your IQ over 640? Have You Always Lusted for Power and Longed After the Ability to Control the Lives of the People Around You? Do You Consider Other Human beings to be "Cattle Ready for Slaughter"? Do You Control Large sums of Money, Most of it Untaxed and Untraceable? Were You Kicked Out of Nursery School for Inciting a Violent Rebellion Amongst Your Class Mates? Does Running the World Sound Like Fun? Can You Color between the Lines? Do Your Friends Describe You as "Vicious", "Ruthless", and "Evil"? IF SO then the Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Anti-Masonic Elder Knights of OTIS (colloquially known as the "Knights of OTIS" or the "Elder Knights") would like to talk to you! The A.I.R.A.M.E.K.O. are one of the most dangerous and frightening of all of the Secret Societies who are really running the world today. Founded, ostensively, in 1614 by three former Free Masons and a Space Alien, with the express purpose of taking over the world, the Elder Knights now have agents in virtually every major government on Earth, and have recently become the real power behind the Gnomes of Zurich. The real instigators of both World Wars, and the Tri Lateral Commission, the Knights were also recently forced to write the "Gem Stone File" to keep the real reason for the Kennedy's deaths a secret. Their membership is suspected to have included such greats as Richard Nixon, Phyllis Diller, and Ben Franklin (who was assimilated into the group after it secretly took over the other big kid on the block, the Bavarian Illuminatti... which is were pistachio ice cream comes from, incidentally). And now they want YOU! And, when you join, here's what you GET: 1. Your Very Own Membership Card! Be instantly recognizable as a Knight to all other Knights (and, for that matter, anyone who steals your wallet, but hey, he/she's probably working for us, too!) A "free pass" into the CIA building and the Pentagon! Worth a dollar off when shown at all participating (and, trust us, that's all of them, Rax(TM) Restaurants. 2. An Extra Large, Blue and Yellow Neon T-Shirt Emblazoned With the Official Knights Logo! Be instantly recognizable to members of other Secret Societies who will automatically try to off you. 3. A Wall-Size, easy to read diagram, Explaining the Secret Handshake. 4. MORE! MORE! MORE! That's right, kids, if you're morally lax and mentally unstable, you just might be what we're looking for! So DON'T WAIT drop us a line TODAY! Just send either all of your worldly possessions, for the FULL MEMBERSHIP with all the neat stuff, or $4.25 for a Membership and a BEAUTIFUL MEMBERSHIP CERTIFICATE to: IGHF: SHHHHH! Division POB 235 Williamstown, MA 01267-0235 USA BUY one for YOUR DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ===============================================================- OTHER RANTS =============================================================== (in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all) This Week: "This Will Do" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 30 Sep 90 03:59:00 EDT Reply-To: Parapsychology Discussion Forum Sender: Parapsychology Discussion Forum From: hackERS make better programERS Subject: Re: British 'crop circles' - Stonehenge, Underground water circulation .. To: Multiple recipients of list PSI-L Melcir, Dowsing you say might have an answer to what seems to be going on with these crop circles?? Interesting possibility, I suppose England is well known for their underground streams? How might they be forming these circles (circles) though? Possibly something to do with electronic charges formed by these rushing waters. That brings me to an interesting memory. I am not sure if you are familiar, or ever even heard of this incident, but some time ago a person during the Donahue talk show testified that the gates of hell exist and that they are in Kenyon College. I am not sure if my address shows it or not but this is where I am now, and happen to be a student here. Surely this person is off their rocker, but shortly after I began to investigate what would lead a person to say this. Other than displeasement with the college. Well I came across an interesting individual who seemed to be well versed about the history of this place, so I asked him about it. He had no answer to why the person said this, but he did tell me that years ago a person dowsed the area of the campus and the surrounding land. And that this person found there to be a high concentration of subterranean steams, and what he called natural earth lines, all coming together here at this campus. He claimed that there was a high intensity of energy here, and a measurable high level of static electricity, all making this place a ideal area for paranormal activity. Any thoughts?? I sure was intrigued to hear this, but then I also happen to be here. dave.. ZECCHIN@VAX001.KENYON.EDU ----------------------------------------------------------------------- From: ANGELM%VTVM1.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU Subject: Models, Gurus, Plymouths and Urantia To: Multiple recipients of list PSI-L *** Reply to note of 09/29/90 05:23 And other things...... Dave Zecchin: I would appear that you are living in a hot spot! What luck! The energy flow in such a place is very good for you and if you learn to "tap into" it, it can be very helpful. As for your comments regarding the appropriate topics of this list: You said: "I BELIEVE already. A skeptic should not be on here." I disagree. But first what is it that you believe? Do you believe that psi is possible? We would all probably agree with you on that one. My point, however, was that there is much more to golfing that just watching the ball go in the hole. How does it happen? Why does it happen? How can we improve it? What moral implications are there? All these are valid questions and your answers may be just as valid, but totally different from another's. So...what do you believe? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: "FAUVAX::BARKER"@SERVAX.FIU.EDU Subject: We've got a bigger problem now. > From: MITTLE@ibm.com (Josh Mittleman) > Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny > Keywords: topical, chuckle > Date: 2 Oct 90 07:20:10 GMT > > > None of the major networks has agreed to broadcast Saddam Hussein's > rebuttal of President Bush's message to the Iraqi people. However, > "America's Funniest Home Videos" has bid $7 million. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------- THE LIST ___________ Here it is again. There have been a lot of changes. Mostly (Hail OTIS) additions. Memorize it for the upcoming quiz. Or, don't. =========== asaro broadie chadwick fitzgera gregory hillv reehal hamrick holdcraf keeling kinge kleinsr koehlers kurelljj lane *liza *mal margaret matusek matzke mcnally model murray neffa nowell schroeder shutt simpsons stevensj tucker waddell whitcopf zecchin *bitnet people... ________________________________________________________________ THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 3 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Neither censored nor edited. Deal.