Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #49 Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "The Big Book of Ducks" Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Malakai ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As you may know I have released a previous T-File on the Religion of the Spamibiterians, of which I am a member. Well, if you wish to join or just want more information on these incredibly powerful creatures, READ ON, for this is all about the types of ducks. I'll bet you think there are only a few types of ducks, well, you're wrong! There's a lot of ducks out there, they are just waiting to be discovered by us Spaminites! The Duck Classifications Normal Duck: Duckius Averatis; These ducks show a variety of different traits, they are the simplest form of which these higher life forms exist in. They feed often on small insects and small plants, these are also the easiest to train for household use. Bottle-Nosed Duck: Duckius Snoutisrundus; These ducks show a resemblence in the beak to that of a bottle nosed dolphin. These ducks are excellent swim- mers and offer good protection against sharks and whales, do to thier incre- dibly affinity with all creatures of the water. If you plan on taking a cruise, take one of these ducks along, the Chiakind are known to make suprise visits, and they may even mezmerize a shark to KILL you with. These ducks eat insects and spam, but spam can only be fed to them once a week. Flightless Duck: Duckius Retardis; These ducks are also known as penguins, who are most often very spiffy dressers. The term PENGUIN is false as the 'PENG- UINS' are REALLY ducks in disguise ; These ducks are hard to train, but once trained will hang around your freezer, it's good if you are on a diet and want to be kept away from your food, as this duck will guard it with its life. The only problem is, you have to get a new one every night if you want to eat, because you have to kill the previous one. They eat water. The Huge Ass Duck: Duckius Majora Posteria; These ducks are about 10 feet tall and make EXCELLENT body guards. Thier bulging wingceps and the ugly faces make the chia run in terror. You MUST keep these chained up, as these are carnivor- ous! They feed on small children and large rabbits, and of course, Spam. For the healthies Duckius Majora Posteria, feed it one can a day, but drain the juice into your houseducks water dish, otherwise you will stunt its growth. Black Avain Duck: Duckius Negro; This duck is an all black, beak as well, version of the standard duck. This duck is an EVIL duck and often sides with those of the chiakind, so beware, they often PAINT themselves white so they can sneak into your house and kill you or your ducks. They eat ducks, spam, and human flesh... again BEWARE. Protection Duck: Duckius Proticta; This duck is a virtual force field. It is apparently a normal duck with a mutant ability to create an intense energy field which only affects other energy sources. This duck is handy to have around the house, and is also great to have on starships and such, as you never know when you need protection from phasers and photon torpedos. The only set back is the must eat head cheese. Shapeshifter Duck: Duckius Nottaoneforma; This duck is capable of shifting into any form up to the size of a 6' 200 lb. human. They are masters of disguise and very loyal, but they must be raised as hatchlings, otherwise they are very troublesome to thier owners These eat spam and only this, as Spam is what we believe gives them the ability to shapeshift. Daffy Duck: Duckius Famis; This duck is a famous actor from who has turned to a life of helping people, he appears to be a slight variant of the Black Avian Duck breed, but his beak and legs are orange. The Duck Intelligence is working on discovering more about this as time goes on, so be ready for up- dates! --- --- --- --- --- Training Tips for Duck Training Training ducks will be the hardest thing you will have to deal with in the Religion of Spamibiteria. They are very SPECIAL animals and require oftentimes SPECIAL attention! So I have provided 5 training tips for your raising of your own ducks! 1) Encourage your duck as you teach him to cook/clean/etc.. by the time you have fully trained him, he will be 100% loyal 2) If you can, during the 1st 2 monthes you own your duck, feed him one spoonful of spam per day, this will encourage his growth as well as make him more loyal to you, remember these tips are also for Normal ducks only. 3) Remember, PHYSICALLY train your duck as well as mentally. If you have to, you must buy Weighlifting equipment for your duck. Those who want to have a duck for hard labour should seriously consider this. 4) You shouldn't expect too much from your duck. Ducks may be extroidinarily intelligent and strong, but don't OVER do it. Do not attempt to have him build a nucleur bomb nor should you attempt to have a duck move your car out by picking it up Remember, these are rare exceptions, so do not over-estimate the power of your duck. 5) Have fun with your duck! Play with it daily, you will begin to see substantial improvements in all areas if you do, because fun is like a boost for a duck! Try and teach them mental games as well as physical. One of my ducks favorite games is chess, the duck is a CHESS-MASTER! He beat Chess- Master 2000 on Expert level, so I guess he's a bit better than me, but I'll never let him know that ------- Disclaimer: If you attempt to train a duck with this specifications, I am not responsible for any insanity of the duck, death of said duck, or just the training not working. No purchase nessecary. Batteries not included. And of course, void where prohibited. ------- All References to Spam/Chiapets/etc.. can be explained by reading MiLK #37, The Guide to the Religion of the Spamibiterians. ------- Remember, the only good duck, is a healthy duck! Û Û [MiLK] Information Û Û Û Û [MiLK] Sites: Û Û Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400] ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #49: "The Big Book of Ducks" By Malakai <ÄÄÄ (This File Just wasted 7241 bytes of your hard drive)