Mike's Madness #3 You know, a lot of people have accused me of being a loadie. But what exactly is a "loadie"? Here is an official test to help you determine if you're a loadie or not: Give yourself 1 point for each that applies to you. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOADIE WHEN . . . ----------------------------------- * Your eyes are red even when you're straight * You've run up a $300 bill in a restaurant by yourself * KGB to you means Killer Green Bud * When you've eaten a roach * When you've eaten a roach twice * To you "Hey Bud! Let's Party!" is "Hey! Bud! Let's Party!" * If you've ever spent more than $200 on a bong * You don't have a single brownie recipe that doesn't call for hashish * You've thought that roach spray you just used was atomized green bud roaches * Between going to heaven or a Floyd concert, you choose Floyd * You know the words to every Pink Floyd song ever written * Can sing the entire Tea for the Tillerman album * You can hold your breath for more than 4 minutes * You have the nick-name "Leather Lungs" * You can't drive when you're straight * You've smoked your own weight in Indica * You can't follow the white line on the freeway because you're too busy following the white line on the mirror * You've actually been awake more than 25 days in a row * You've dropped acid for a solid year in a row * You actually plan to move to Amsterdam * When someone happens to say "I had a fever . . ." you immediately think "My hands felt just like two balloons." * You think that Jimi Hendrix just might have had the right idea on the National Anthem * You and two buddies can kill off a whole keg in one night * You didn't know you could drink water straight * You emulate W.C. Fields to perfection * A.A. has given up hope on you * You're at the Betty Ford clinic more often than home * You usually get a Christmas card from the owner of the local liquor store * Can drink a 12 pack without stopping for a piss * You can shot-gun more beers than most people can drink * You have a bong with an inch of resin in it * Your dealer would suck your dick before losing your business * You've gone to Columbia in search of Gold * The border guards know you by name * You've slept eight days in a row * Snorted a year's salary of coke in one night * You know every drug dealer in a ten city radius by first and last name * You can't remember a time when you weren't wholly fucked up * You've met Ed McMahon in a bar * You've been totally shit-faced within 5 minutes of coming home from work * You've taken a college-level final stoned * The only reason you go to school is because you can't get stoned at home * You've driven from San Francisco to Dallas in two days without stopping for a rest * You've spent more than $1000 in a grocery store (at once) * Get letters of thanks from Stolichnya * Visine uses you as a test patient for all their new products * You can roll a joint stoned, in the dark, with your hands tied behind your back * You have dreams about getting a job in a brewery * You can imitate the McKenzie Brothers better than they can * D&D to you means Drunk and Disorderly * You have actually considered smoking a toad skin * You have actually smoked a toad skin * You can smoke a whole joint in one hit * You can honestly say you've tried everything Hunter S. Thompson has written about * You've actually eaten a peyote button * You've actually done it twice * You actually admire Fat Freddy * You actually are Fat Freddy SCORING: -------- 1-2: Ah you lightwieght! Come on, start sparking up more often! Jeeze. 3-4: Shut the door. 5-6: You can do better than that! Buy an ounce and smoke it tonight! 7-8: My Grandmother does better than this. Try her hash brownies! 9-10: Doin' okay now 11-15: Better 16-20: Much better now 21-25: Great! 26-30: Excellent! 31-35: Ho shit! You're almost a loadie! 36-40: * * * LOADIE! * * * 41-45: Dangerous loadie 46-50: You are a hazard to yourself and others 51-55: Someone should be shot for letting you loose on the streets 56-59: You're either bullshitting or about to die 60-62: You died a week ago but you haven't come down yet 63 : You are a drug crazed poltergiest that God could not put out of misery 64 : How ya doin' Mr. Tower? Heh Heh. (c) 1989 Yucks for You Inc.