,... $$$$ $$$$T""P$$$ba, ,gd&P""T&bg. ,gd&P""T&bg. ggggggggggg $$$$ $$$$$b d$$$$ $$$$b d$$$$ $$$$$b ggggggggggg """"""""""" $$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$bxxP&$$&P """"""""""" $$$$ $$$$$$ T$$$$ $$$$P T$$$$ $$$"""""" " """" $$$$$$ "T&$bxxd$&P" "T&$bxx$$$$$' " """"""$$$ """ """""" """ ggg "I Am Not" ggg $$$ by - Six $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ [ HOE E-Zine #979 -- 12/18/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ] .,$$$ `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""' I think back on the last 11 months of 1999 with bitter sentiment. Little has happened yet at the same time so very much. I feel like I went through more changes in 1999 than I have so far in this lifetime. I will never forget 1999. I think it will always be in the back of my mind some place between good and bad, I suppose it would fall under the category of a necessary learning experience. I went through a lot of pain but in the end I feel it all came out for the better. In the following paragraphs I will review 1999 and how it has effected me. Names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the annoying. 1998 - Background By the end of 1998 I had lost just about every friend in the world, through either fault of my own, petty arguments, or just plain growing up. I latched myself onto people I thought would take me away from what I felt was my previous existence. I wanted to start off with a clean slate and become a new person, and so I cleaned. January, 1999 - Catharsis I began 1999 by organizing my life and my closet. I had dismissed 99% of my rotten friends as well as 11 jumbo garbage bags of crap from my room. I had a box, actually an old Omaha steak cooler, over the years I filled it with any sort of memory, this box was over flowing. It took me a full week off from work to complete this chore. As I went through each notebook, every picture, and birthday card. I re-lived the last 4 years of my life over. I realized how different I had become. How entering high school I didn't know what French kissing was to losing my virginity a year after. I went through a stack of cheating boyfriends, heart breaks, and old friends, all into the trash. Among these things, I found the list. This is a list made when I was about 10 years old with my best friend Jewlie. It was titled in crayon, "The Boy I Want To Marry". For a 10-year-old I knew what was going on. I stated I wanted a boy to care about me and hold my hand, to call me to say good night and enjoy spending time with me. Somewhere it hit a nerve. For a very long time I had been longing for a sweet guy, someone who actually cared. After reading the list and thinking about my current boyfriend Todd, I realized I had something I did not want. Instead of ending the relationship as logic would dictate, I got it in my mind that I was going to fix him, and make him the way I wanted. I replaced all my former junk with a fish tank and some new books. Closed off January with a friend's 21st birthday party in which I was the only sober person. February, 1999 - Metamorphosis I tried to customize my relationship to the criteria on the list. As I already knew but refused to admit to myself, you can not force people to change. This force of change resulted in lots of fights. I never enjoyed fighting with him, but he thought I did. He accused me of starting the fights on purpose to cause a break up. Eventually this mess ended in a break-up, which I knew was entirely my fault. I don't feel bad Todd and I never worked out, it was completely not meant to be. I came out of the relationship with a mission, to find my Dawson Leery. I also came out of it with some new friends. My new friends seemed like really cool, nice guys. I hung out with them as much as possible. At work, I couldn't wait to get home and find out what was going on. Little else happened in February, a rather uneventful month. March, 1999 - Immaturity and Growing up, the birth of AliCam I started March with a bang. I turned 22! Does that mean I'm a grown up now? Apparently not. I drank entirely too much at a geek party and almost put myself in harm's way. I decided to signify my supposed adulthood by acting like a completely jackass. After recovering from that episode and getting my head back in place one of my new friends became a little more than that. The whole situation baffles me to this day. It started then ended for circumstances completely unknown to me, and I don't really think I want to know. When I think back on it I don't feel hurt, this is unlike me. I think there may have been some third party intervention. Out of boredom or desperation companionship (even if it was in the form of e-mail pen pals), I got my hands on a WebCam, and this is when AliCam was born. Probably one of the worst ideas I ever had. Believe it or not AliCam and very little impact on my life. It was just a camera that was on while I played SIMM City. I suppose the entire thing was subconscious and months later I think Jamesy hit the nail on the head when he said I craved attention. It turned out to be negative attention, but you get what you pay for I suppose. AliCam started a little buzz among former friends. Unfortunately the buzz gave an ex a reason to talk to me. I’m rather sure he is one of the worst people ever in existence. His mentality is up there with Hitler's. He was sneaky, careless, and manipulative as all hell. He's managed to hurt just about everyone that's crossed his path, especially me. But goddamnit, that Corey Haim smile got me every time. The first time we dated started out so nice, then he started to act weird and distant. It ended with this statement "I only want you to be my computer friend." I decided that he meant he didn't want to be a real friend at all, so we stopped talking. Upon his re-emergence into my life, he told me that the reason he was not so attentive was because; he had never broken up with his previous girlfriend. However, that's all over now and he wanted to be friends with me. As I type this I get a terrible sick feeling, it kills me that I didn't notice what he was up to. The things he did to my mind were unbelievable. And so it began we were just friends, he told me about school, I told him about work, and we went to the movies. I felt rather content with things as they were. Little did I know ominous shadows were lurking around the next corner. April, 1999 - Hesitation April came and went, I wanted it to go by quickly. The anniversary of my best friend's death arrived and the pain and tears returned with a vengeance, it's the sort of thing I think I will never recover from. I miss her everyday. Every time I tell a Jewlie story, or think about how much humor she would have found in a situation, I feel so overwhelmed with anger and sadness that often I just cry myself to sleep. Now that I think about it, I am stupid for not thinking more in April, really stupid. Rob and I hung out often, after work, on weekends, I just thought we were friends. I should have not assumed such a thing. A friend of his, Lisa had a break up with her fiance. Rob was so nice and helped her out, mowed the lawn and trimmed the hedges. It never even occurred to me that he would be helping her out with a few other things she wasn't getting now that the fiance was not around. Rob played the very romantic roll. He said he was falling for me again. I started to fall too, no matter how hard I tried not to. There were conversations where I would get an overwhelming feeling of dread. I would say, "I will not do this to myself again." I would hang up, he would call back and come up with some completely adorable, "but I've changed, baby" story. By the end of April, I liked him, I liked the attention and I decided to give in. I thought he was my Dawson, now I realize I was more in love with the idea of being in love. Which is something I have been very guilty of in the past. Some lessons come at a price. May, 1999 - The Kiss, First Movement Rob's birthday was Cinco de Mayo. I had softball practice after work. Rob and his friend Chris were going to watch and then we would go out to dinner. When they showed up I was at bat and awfully embarrassed because I'm terrible at softball. I will never forget seeing Chris for the first time in years. I knew Chris once-upon-a-time, in high school. I always thought he was cute but never talked to him much. He gave me a hug and complimented my shoes, then made fun of my navel ring. I guess they're never completely nice. We decided to go for Mexican food. Rob and I drank margaritas Chris watched he didn't want to drink until the next week when he turned 21. Sometime that night in a drunken stupor I told Rob I loved him, I didn't love him, and it was a very stupid thing to say. Then I kissed him another day, which was also stupid. There was no feeling, but I pretended there was, no tingles, no passion, just bland old lips. Someone once asked me what it was like to have no passion. It is probably one of the most awful feelings in the world. The element that made it so terrible is that I was longing for passion. When it was not coming from the place I went seeking it, I became very depressed. As May moved on Rob said I love you to me as well and his demeanor changed. Things went from him pursuing me, to me begging to hang out with him. If I was very lucky, he would let me go to a baseball game with him and Chris. Most of the time we went hiking and we never went out in public, I didn't know why. June, 1999 - Passion, Regression Something inside me said, "If you cook it, they will come." Sometime in June, I decided officially, I want to be a chef and this is going to happen and I don't care if I make myself poor doing it! Then I put that idea aside and forgot about it. I began to get sick of spending all my free time with Rob. At work, online I talked to Chris now and then, he started to drop hints that Rob was up to no good, Rob began to bash Chris to me in retaliation. I gave up on the subject because I didn't know who to believe. One warm evening, I had stayed up very late cleaning my room. I received an email from someone claiming to be the producer of a make over show. The guy asked if I wanted a make over! Me on television!?! I was so excited, but I took a deep breath and replied to the e-mail. How do I know this isn't a joke? The writer returned with a scan of his business card and his office number at E, Entertainment Television. I cannot describe my excitement in words. It was just what I had always hoped for, some person to take my ugly face and paint it pretty. Someone to take my gross body and cover it in designer fashion. Ideas ran through my head about trendy new hair styles and movie star eyebrows. I was so excited I couldn't sleep a wink. About 2:00 am that same night, I started chatting with a guy I went to high school with. I had always thought of him as a bad boy. After chatting it turned out, he was in the same tech school I was after graduation. He also turned out to be nice, slightly odd, but nice. It also turned out I was pretty tight with his cousin Jeanette. So one night, Jeanette, Tommy and myself went out to a local bar. I saw everyone, all the kids that were once my friends and blew me off. Those that never spoke a word to me in all 7 years of school. I was overwhelmed but I loved it. I'm a cool kid, yippee for me! As I write more it seems that the majority of my life in 1999 existed online. Most conversations of any value occurred on instant messenger or irc. I'm not sure if that's pathetic or a statement about society. Either way staring at the screen all day started to give me some major headaches. AGAIN online, the friends I had once outgrew found their way back, home from college, ready to be grownups. My grudges against them had faded and I welcomed their conversation back with open arms. I must admit I missed the old jokes, and movies. All of a sudden, I was in high school again, I had the same friends, but this time I was also friends with the people that wouldn't talk to me. I liked being invited places, included. It was great, but I knew it wouldn't last. The people that I ate lunch with back in the day were highly offended that I spent so much time with my new found friends. They took it as a personal attack that I was associating my self with the people that ridiculed them even if all the torment occurred more than 4 years ago. My new friends expected too much time and too many parties from me. I started to become exhausted and accept fewer invitations. After all a girl can only do so much. As for Rob, he did not deal well with the lack of attention, and invitations. Slowly the friends I had made in March, courtesy of the mystery guy, drifted back into my life. Andy had written this completely hysterical story about "getting some" a few months back. Harry had been writing for an e-zine called HOE and suggested Andy submit his story to the zine. Once the story was published I began to check out the archives. Some of the issues were funny or insightful, others were just plain terrible. I wanted to write, but I had no ideas. The very end of June, I had my clique of home town friends. Rob was pushed to the back burner, I started chatting with those zany e-zine kids some more, and I had a possible TV appearance. I was overwhelmed, yet thrilled with how things were taking shape. July, 1999 - Agony July 4th weekend, I hung out with my home town friends. I had managed to merge the groups. My once geeky friends tapped kegs along with the football players. I was really happy to see that all it took was an invitation to each, and that everyone was grown up enough to handle it. I think the 4th was one of the best times I had all summer. We went to an over look and watched the New York City Fireworks, then we drove around and checks out all those "haunted" spots we always used to drive by back in the day. I felt included. It was just amazing. Rob, did not like this at all, he made fun of me for enjoying activities that did not involve passing out drunk. Soon after I had a HOE text file published. Harry was kind enough to invite me to go to the e-zine conference the next weekend. Monday, I get an email that the make over wasn't going to happen. Screw E! Tuesday, Rob tells me he doesn't want me to go to the zine conference. He offered no explanation, I guess he felt threatened. Screw Rob! Chris later told me Rob thought I would realize what a scum bag he is once I had some time to think about it. The funny part is I really didn't think about Rob at all. I had a great time at the conference, I met people that I’m sure will make an impression on me for years to come. Good or bad impressions I will never reveal, but I'm sure I will never forget some of the characters that crossed my path that weekend. I returned home to a few nasty messages from the local gang. Apparently I didn't have permission to go away for the weekend. What is up with people feeling they have the ability to control me. I realized after a couple of petty fights that these friends were no more. So I started to become more and more depressed as it occurred me that Rob was the only "friend" I had. I was going to return to the torture of life with Rob. This is when it got really bad. I finally got the nerve to ask him why I never met his friends. His reply was shocking and was the most insulting thing I had ever heard. He said, "You're fat, I am embarrassed to be seen in public with you. If you lost some weight you would be cute and then I could let you meet my friends." There was a lot more to it, the conversation lasted several hours. It sent me into a whirl wind of emotion that I'm very surprised I came out of. In reality, this was also the best thing Rob ever said to me. I started to exercise excessively and eat very little. I lost a bunch of weight and didn't feel much better for it. I tried very hard to his negative comments into something positive. He said those words only to hurt me. Rob knew it would get to me and drive me crazy and he took pleasure in that. I am very happy to say there was one positive aspect. The only good part was, Chris. Exercise involved going to Chris's condo with Rob because there was a gym there. While I rode exercise bikes and the boys used the weights Rob would often throw out insulting comments. Chris would reprimand him for being a jerk, to no avail. I developed a little soft spot for Chris over time. I think a few kind words were just the boost I needed. I felt a little better. One evening in late July I got a call from that first "cool kid" I made friends with online. This was first one in weeks. He informed me the elementary school wise-ass, Jim would be up visiting. We decided it was only appropriate to show Jim a good time. And god was it a good time. I was glad to have friends that had nothing to do with dating at all. I returned home a bit tipsy and too hyper to sleep. I sat down to my computer and found a drunk Chris online. I confessed a little crush on him and said I wanted to know him. Finally I did something smart, even if it did take 10 beers to get it out of me. It was about time I made some changes. August, 1999 - The Kiss, Second Movement I removed Rob from my life. I concluded that he was no good for me. A terrible manipulative person, that got joy out of tormenting me. I was going to dedicate August to ME. I started cooking more and more, painting more. A woman I had randomly met put a painting of mine in her art gallery, I was shocked. Someone even bought it for 50 dollars. Chris and I had made a bet on some baseball games a month before. I won, so he had to make me dinner. He made a very nice meal, I was impressed. We watched a movie and I went home, leaving with a hug. However, I was content. August began what I consider a new chapter of my life. I was finally able to incorporate all aspects of myself into one life. I used to live a few months as the big mouth Jersey girl. Then the next few as an artist and so on. As much as I hate to say it, I can thank Rob for this. In his efforts to control me he slowly wiped away each layer of my personality leaving me with a clean slate. As luck would have it just as I was blank, every part of me came back at the same time and found their own places in the puzzle. There I was, a complete girl, with a job, a goal, a few hobbies and a ton of friends. I had never been happier until about a week later. Chris invited me over, we rented Varsity Blues, I had already seen it but I enjoy that scene with Scott Kaan's tush. The movie was over, Chris, I were chit-chatting, and then it happened. That look, the one you see in the movies and on Dawson's Creek. There was a slow nervous approach, every part of me was shaking, and then the kiss. It was the most amazing feeling, I got light headed and forgot where I was. When I came to, I just wanted more. When I got in the car to leave, I squealed with excitement. I couldn't believe this was happening. On August 10th, Chris asked me to be his girlfriend. At this time, I'm not saying anything more about Chris I will merely summarize. Chris is the most wonderful guy I have ever met, I love everything about him and I am so happy that things happened like they did. He has been supportive of me through everything, I hope I am never with out him. Sometime in August, I forget exactly when.. A lot of crazy things went down. Apparently Tommy's fiance was cheating on him all over the place with people he thought were his friends. I found out and got the bright idea to send him to a place where he could catch her in the act. I hate cheaters I couldn't believe she was doing that to my friend and I wanted her to stop. Unfortunately Tommy freaked. He just took off, ditched his car and rode his bike to the shore. He was missing for two days. I was at Chris' house for the weekend and I was keeping tabs on the Tommy situation via voice mail messages from his brother. Sometime on Sunday I get the message that they found Tommy totally over dosing somewhere in Asbury Park. After being comatosed for a few days Tommy didn't make it. Everyone blamed me, not the cheating girlfriend that broke his heart. Just the person that decided to be truthful. Needless to say, I don't have those friends anymore. I say screw em. I don't need people like that in my life. There are much more important things to worry about. My Grandmother has lived next-door to me my entire life. I made a point of visiting her as often as possible. I took out her garbage weekly and every August I cleaned her drapes. This was an all day project, I always looked forward to spending the day with Grandma. She told me stories about my town before there were roads, how she met my grandfather and what a goofy kid my dad was. This year was different and it worried me. She made comments like, "It's a good life." Then she went on to tell me how she loved me and I should always remember that. There was a funny smell in the house. September, 1999 - Capitulate The week after Labor Day one night around 11, the doors were slamming. I hate that my mother always slams the doors. I got out of bed to yell and saw a frantic look on my Dad's face. Then there were sirens. Grandma had fallen and cut open her legs, her legs had sever edema (that puffy swelling people with arthritis get from lack of circulation). They were sort of oozing, I couldn't go look, I knew it was better I didn't. She was in the hospital for a little over a week, got her legs fixed up and she came home. Grandma had also been incontinent and not telling anyone. A friend of the family, Jennifer 19 years old was doing the clean up and not telling anyone. Monday was Grandmas birthday, I told her about Chris as she sat in her new recliner. Her feet were in bandages but she looked pale. Thursday, the hurricane came, I got out of work a little early, driving in it was terrifying. Everything was flooding, trees coming down, I went to Chris' it was closer than home. I worried about home all night. Friday the storm cleared, but the clouds and water lurked all over the landscape. This was the weekend Chris was coming home to meet my parents and celebrate my fathers birthday. On the drive home we saw a Llama in a field. I gave my dad his present and we had cake that my mom made with olive oil. Saturday night we went to the nicest Italian restaurant in town. It's full of old men in bowling shirts and their wives in double knit pant's suits. Dean Martin played in the background and I enjoyed some of the best Lasagna I've ever had. I returned home to that face on my father. I was informed Grandma was dehydrated, and that they just took her in to get some liquid into her. Then she took a turn for the worst. She died at 11:00 p.m.. I don't like funerals at all I think they're sick. Nevertheless, I went because she would have liked that. I hated the weeks to come, sorting through Grandma's belongings, deciding what memories I wanted to take with me. The memory space in my closet was soon filled by old Omaha steak coolers full of crystal. I put her kitchen on my wall, two collector's plates and these pink wooden spoons. They will always remind me of Grandpa. A Concertina belonging to my Great-grandfather is in my corner, and the plastic bird that hung in his parrot's cage hangs from my wall. The opal ring I saw on my Grandmother's hand every day is now in a box on my dresser, someday it will be on my hand, when I'm ready. I traded and bartered for all the little memories and we locked to doors of her house. Soon it will be sold to some stranger. The place where I was a bambina, always a child, is now gone. October, 1999 - Primogeniture Being the oldest it has always been my job to be the strong responsible one. There was no place for me to find myself. I started to have dreams about my teeth falling out, fear of change, insecurity. Well that's for damn sure. I have slowly become a grown up with out intending to. October was spent supporting my parents. I had hellish nightmares. In all honesty, there is very little to say about October, I spent it crying. November, 1999 - Resolution I suppose this is merely a sign of the year winding down. Things got slower, I started to think about Christmas shopping. Which proudly I finished on November 26th. Thanksgiving passed with the usual nasty family argument, then we watched Forest Gump and all was right with the world. On November 27th I celebrated the 9th anniversary of my life online. I also consider it the day I stopped being a child. I watched A Christmas Story as per ritual and went to bed wishing I was still 12. December, 1999 - Denouement AS WE STAND ON THE BRINK OF A NEW MILLENIUM... I wonder, are all those hill-billies going to flip out over Y2K. I can't believe that I managed to come out of 1999 a stronger person not the weak emotional mess such a year would have made me in the past. I don't regret anything that has happened, merely that I didn't get more done. December is just beginning, but I'm sure little will happen, that just seems to be the way with this time of year. This weekend Chris is coming over and we will put up the Christmas decorations. I will listen to the Chipmunks Christmas Album, sing along and dance. I suppose I will grow up to be one of those adults always trying to get a grab on childhood because I was forced to act grown up when I didn't even understand what I was doing. I'm not a big fan of self analysis, but this year was so crazy I couldn't resist. The whole time I wrote this I felt like Angela from "My So-Called Life" thinking so much but never really paying attention to what's going on. So I decided to ask myself: "Why are you like this?" "Like what?" "Like how you are?" After this year I've realized I've always been a pawn to my environment. I took what I was given and never tried to force changes. I never acted like my self I merely acted how people wanted me to. I think more changes are in order, maybe a little more closet cleaning. I think if I could go back I would only change one thing. I would have been with Tommy the night I sent him to the bar. I should have been there. I am not what everyone wants me to be. I am Alicia someone most people know nothing about. I think it's time to devote my time to figuring myself out. So, instead of just the month of August, the year 2000 is dedicated to me. Today at work it was suggested to me I may be up for a promotion. It's not cooking, but I'm not so sure about that goal anymore. I hope the promotion goes through. Maybe it won't, who knows, that's what I like about the future--it's full of surprises. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #979, BY SIX - 12/18/99 ]