[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #695 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "A Tourist Guide to Dubuque, Iowa" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 6/18/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Are you planning a vacation this year? Have you already visited such hot spots as New York, Miami, Los Angeles, and Branson? Did you spend the last few years already in Paris, Rome, London, and Berlin? Has visiting Disneyland, Disneyworld, and every generic theme park gotten old? There's only one place left for you to fulfill the greatest in all your vacation needs: Dubuque, Iowa! A Little About Dubuque: ======================= Dubuque, Iowa is a fairly good sized town (for Iowa, that is) of 65,000. It is located on the eastern border of Iowa, right on the Mississippi, and on the borders of Wisconsin and Illinois. The population is 97% white and 95% Roman Catholic, made up mostly of senior citizens and angst-ridden youth. Dubuque is home to 3 colleges and many tavern softball teams. Dubuque was founded in the late 1800s by Julien Dubuque, one of those european guys who conquered native americans and wore furs on his head. Dubuque is home to the Julien Inn, which at one point was one of Al Capone's "legitimate" businesses. Al Capone was a big fan of East Dubuque strip joints, so it is said. Dubuque County has been identified (somehow) as the #1 county in the country for marijuana abuse, and is the #2 city in the WORLD for beer consumption, second only to Munich, Germany. Getting To Dubuque: =================== *Plane: Dubuque features the ever-handy Dubuque Regional Airport, which has commuter flights from surrounding areas (this includes Chicago's O'Hare airport). You will arrive on the tiny landing strip in one of the finest of two-engine turbulence-emphasising airplanes that the city of Dubuque can buy. *Greyhound Bus: The Julien Inn has been kind enough to lend space in one of its tiny basement rooms to host a Greyhound terminal. Enjoy your time there in lovely downtown Dubuque (note to ladies: it is best to wear your purses with the strap across your neck as opposed to simply over your shoulder during your stay downtown. It would also be advisable to carry mase and scream whenever you see a black person, should you happen to actually see any while in Iowa whatsoever). *Car: Many highways travel through, around, and over Dubuque. It is best to drive a car with a minimum V-6 engine to navigate the hills, and a very strong suspension to keep from getting carsick over the potholes. Places to stay in Dubuque: ========================== *Nice hotels: Ummm. *Decent hotels: There are plenty of decent hotels, with pools and what not, and rooms that are decently tolerable. In fact, it is nearly impossible NOT to find an open room, so there is never any need to make reservations. *Roach motels: You can always find a room at the Fulton Motel, the Siesta Motel, or the Canfield Hotel. Daily, weekly, or monthly rates are available, should you plan an extra-long stay. Tourist Things To Do in Dubuque: ================================ *Historic Dubuque: Ride the 4th Street Elevator, the shortest AND steepest outdoor elevator in existence! Check out the Riverboat Museum and the William M. Black steamboat! Go shopping at all the tiny, rustic, historic little shops downtown while avoiding being hit by the "wonderful" driving skills of the Dubuque population! Visit the Ham House, the home of some old rich dead guy! And for the more sophisticated tastes, stop by the Old Jail Art Gallery! *The River: Look at the Mississippi. Wow. *Riverboat Rides: Take a relaxing spin on the Spirit of Dubuque, a cute little paddlewheel that takes daily rides in big circles. *Gambling: Try Dubuque Greyhound Park And Casino, Diamond Jo Riverboat Casino, or the Silver Eagle Riverboat Casino for all your gambling needs. Contact any family reunion in the area if you wish to wager your hand on euchre, the Dubuque card game of choice. Or, try almost any local tavern and get swindled by a pool hustler. *Shopping: Don't get into those cute little historic downtown shops? Try Kennedy Mall, home to almost 30 stores! (Note to investors: plenty of space is available, should you decide to open your own business in this charming area of the midwest!) Other nearby areas of interest: =============================== *Dyersville: only 30 minutes outside of Dubuque, is home to the authentic Field of Dreams (from the big Hollywood movie)! While there, also check out the Ertl Farm Toy Museum! *Galena, Illinois: Just like Dubuque, only smaller and more expensive. Annual Events in Dubuque: ========================= *DubuqueFest (sometime in May): An arts and crafts show in Washington Park, jazz music in the Town Clock Plaza, bingo by the Dubuque Colts Marching Band, and lots of beer, all located in historic downtown Dubuque. *RiverFest (sometime in September): An arts and crafts show in Washington Park, jazz music in the Town Clock Plaza, bingo by the Dubuque Colts Marching Band, and lots of beer, all located in historic downtown Dubuque. *Catfish Festival (end of June): A traveling carnival down by the Mississippi River in Marina Park! Come see your favorite washed-out 70s and 80s bands play, or punch a carny! There is also one day of all-you-can-eat grilled catfish for the low price of $12.99. Cultural Dubuque: ================= Ummm. Everyday things to do in Dubuque: ================================= *Get in a traffic accident: this is virtually inevitable in Dubuque. Be wary of the multitude of ridiculous one-way streets, badly-designed exit and entrance ramps, plethora of absent stop signs, and overabundance of drivers that have never had a license. Note: if you don't want to be recognized as a tourist, then regard all stop signs as yield signs or disregard them entirely. Also be aware that nobody from Wisconsin has ever figured out what a turn signal is. *Go to church, then drink yourself silly at a bar: Within every 6 blocks, you will be able to see a church AND a tavern. No matter what your denomination or drinking preference, Dubuque will satisfy! What the locals do for fun: =========================== *East Dubuque, Illinois: The perfect place to wile away your late evening hours! Wisconsin Avenue features not only the East Dubuque police station, but also an exciting collection of strip joints and dance clubs, as well as ordinary everyday taverns! *Perkins: Especially great after a night in East Dubuque, Perkins is right off Highway 20 and is open 24 hours. Early evenings feature a rich crowd of teenage girls and frat boys, while after 3am the best in drunken assholes take the stage for a night of entertainment that can't be found anywhere else! *Mallwalking: Middle-aged women, listen up! Strap on a walkman and a tight-fitting leotard and join the others like you at Kennedy Mall for a few hours of invigorating Power Walking! Seniors, there are groups for you, also! *Bingo: The Tri-State Blind Society hosts a wild and wooly game of bingo, as well as most churches in the area. If you love bingo, you'll love Dubuque! *Bowling and Mini-Golf: Once in a while, there's not league bowling, and you can enjoy a nice afternoon drinking beer and bowling until you can't bowl anymore. East Dubuque and Dubuque feature 2 mini-golf courses, and on 32nd street, Dubuque also has the finest in glow-in-the-dark mini golf EVERY NIGHT (along with karaoke)! Local Recommendations: ====================== *Get really drunk and pretend you were never here. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #695 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 6/18/99 ]