'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #491 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
  ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "In Search of BigDaddy"                  !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Paganini                           !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 3/3/99                                   !!
 !!========================================================================!!

        Okay.  If your screen name is STUD4U... you might be a lost cause.

        Picture this.  It is late.  It is midnight.  I am checking my email
 on the all too wonderful Aol network.  I am happy.  I worked all day.  I
 am tired.  I am weak, but I am also so very happy.  Then it happens... my
 screen slows down... and all of a sudden... (dun dun dun) the IM appears.
 (No.  You must keep reading.)

        Ask me what it says.  "What does it say Sara Mann?" Well, it
 says "AGE?  SEX?" and it is from someone named BIGSTUD.  This happens to
 me just about every night.  Of course the person is not always BIGSTUD.
 Sometimes it is 2Hot4U or Stud4U.  The names vary but it is funny how the
 line is usually always the same.  This would not bug me so much if my
 screen name were not Sarah10155.  Met a lot of guys named Sarah lately?
 I have not.  Another thing... what kind of line is AGE?  SEX?  What kind
 of line is that?  You know, women just lay around wearing dresses, waiting
 for their pies to get done baking, and darning socks, thinking "God, I
 just wish some guy would approach me some day and say `AGE?  SEX?'." Yes,
 that is what we dream about.  Why, I remember back in school we used to
 sit around dreaming of the day our Prince Charming would come over on his
 horse, ride off with us into the glorious sunset only to whisper in our
 ears "AGE?  SEX?" Wouldn't it be funny if people approached each other in
 person like that?

        Another thing.  People lie.  If I am going to talk to anyone on a
 strictly internet basis I am not ever going to trust them It's just a
 fact.  People lie.  I mean, if you just got home from your Dudgeons and
 Dragons club meeting; you're sitting around in old tight sweat pants,
 eating twinkies, and chain smoking, are you honestly going to describe
 yourself?  No.  You're going to advertise yourself as a buff, young,
 athletic guy who just likes to hang out.  And the 'What are you wearing'
 question is a whole new issue.  I'll tell you what... if you ask me what
 I am wearing over the internet... even if I am dressed in the largest
 parka you have ever seen, even if I am wearing wool in every imaginable
 place... I will tell you that I am naked.  First of all, if you have asked
 me that... you are not worth describing my clothes over, and second of
 all... isn't that the desired response?  Who asks that question to hear
 something like "Well, I just got this sweater from Lands End, and I am
 wearing it with the matching pants, which really set off the blue in my
 loafers..."  No one wants to hear that.  No.  There are actually people in
 this world that believe that by searching things like member directories
 they will actually find some intelligent, sweet, wonderful super model who
 just happens to be sitting around wearing something lacy or nothing at
 all... waiting for someone named Stud4U to come along and change her life.
 People actually believe this.

        And what is with the whole Cyber sex deal, eh?  What is with that?
 Have you ever looked into the member chats at the people connection?  A
 friend of mine showed me the titles one day.  There are some sick, sick
 people out there and the sad thing is that they actually find that sort of
 thing satisfying.  It is satisfying to them to communicate via computer
 with someone they a) have know idea the gender of, b) have no idea the age
 of, and c) have no idea their relation to this person.  I mean wouldn't it
 just freak you out if you got of the internet and later one day realized
 that the person talking dirty to you was your Uncle Harold?  That's reason
 enough for counseling right there.  I have read articles about people who
 have fallen in love over the internet.  For the most part they are 17 year
 old boys and sad 30 year old women.  It's just a sad sad sad affair.

        Okay.  This did not really go any where.  I think my point (is there
 one?) Is do not pick up people over the internet.  Do not do it.  Do not
 pick me up over the internet.  Leave me alone.  I do not want your
 pornography.  Yes.  That is it.  I do not want your pornography.  So,
 friends, the next time someone approaches you over the internet just stop
 and think about who you are talking to.  Consider their age.  Are you
 talking to a twelve year old?  Are you talking to a scary old man?
 Consider their sex.  Are you communicating with some strange gay dude or
 are you talking to some very confused individual?  Consider their
 location.  Are they across the street in the seemingly innocent van?  Are
 they one of your classmates... the one who stares across the room at you
 and turns very quickly each time you wave the restraining order?  All of
 these are important factors when deciding whether to love or to not
 love... over the world wide web.  I do not want your pornography.  Thank
 you and God bless America.

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 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!  HOE #491, WRITTEN BY: PAGANINI - 3/3/99 !!