'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #424 !! #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "House and Home with Lynette Jennings" !! ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !! ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !! !!========================================================================!! "And five, four, three..." "Hi, welcome to House and Home. I'm your host, Lynette Jennings. Today we'll be focusing on crafts, as a part of our 'Making Housework Fun!' week. We've got oodles of guests here with us, including world renowned craft specialist, Marnie Williams. But we can't get the show off on the right foot without a peek into our mailbag. Jim, why don't you bring out the mailbag?" Lynette: "Okay let's see what we've got here today." "'Dear Ms. Jennings, you are just fabulous." "I watch your show religiously, right after I see the kids off to school. I'd force them to watch the show too if they weren't off.. learning.. all the time." "Anyhoo, I just wanted to say that you are what makes the world go round. Sincerely yours, Muriel Cole, Ackley, Iowa.' "Well Muriel, I'm so glad you watch my show. It really touches me to recieve heartfelt letters like yours. And I love it when people adresss me as Ms.!" "Let's see what else we've got here. Okay, 'Dear Lynette, my name is Amy and I live in Klamath Falls, Oregon. I'm 10 years old and I like your show this much:" "Oh how cute she drew a little line showing how much she likes my show. Can we get a shot of this?" "Carl? Can you get this?" "Excellent. Great. Okay. 'I am writing you because I have a... secret, and I don't have a lot of friends so I'm going to tell you. Okay, here goes: Every night, when I'm in bed, my Daddy comes in and--'" Is this some kind of joke? Come on, who pulled the prank on me this time?" "Carl? Carl you're looking pretty suspicious!" "Carl! You silly, silly man! You know, they always get me. But I'm a sucker for practical jokes! ha ha! Ha! ha ha!" "We'll be right back." <..> "And we're back over here in our Craft Cave." "You have to be careful here in our Craft Cave. There's some heavy duty crafting going on! Haha! We've got a very special guest with us today. This woman is a pioneer in the arts and crafts department, being the inventor of the Salt and Pepper Shaker-Napkin Dispenser-Thanksgiving Centerpiece. Marnie? Marnie Williams? Are you there?" "There you are!" "Hi!" Marnie: "Hi Lynette! I'm so glad to be here! I've got a whole bunch of fun things for us to create today!" Lynette: "I'm so excited! You know, I'd like to take a serious moment here to discuss the importance of crafts in the '90's. Without crafts, housewives all around would be left with nothing to do all day long while her man is out working and the kids are at school..." M: "Say it, sister!" L: "...we would be left to do our expected chores such as laundry and mopping floors and watching soap operas and other home decor shows like my own which will slowly but surely lead us all to our sad, horrible and pathetically boring deaths with nothing to show for except a few odd heart-shaped wicker baskets filled with dried leaves and plastic flowers with little balloons and bunnies and flowerspineconeshazelnutspiceracks....." <..> "Welcome back to House and Home! If you're just joining us I'm here with Marnie Williams in our Craft Cave making crafts! Marnie has already started making something. What are you making there, Marnie?" M: "I'm building every housewife's dream come true. It's a decorative piece I like to call the SquirrelKnocker." L: "SquirrelKnocker? Can we say that? ha ha!" M: "It's purpose serves as a doorknocker-slash-squirrel feeder! You can make them in any material you like, although my personal favourite would have to be wicker. I just love wicker. My husband loves wicker, too. He's always getting his hands on more wicker!" L: "A real wickerman!" Ha! ha! HA! M: "Lynette, you *kill* me! Anyhoo, you can add fun little decorations to your SquirrelKnockers. Mine here has tiny pah-pee-aye mah-shay flowers all around, with a small decorative sign that says 'SquirrelKnocker' in a nice cursive." L: "And you can put anything you want on the sign?" M: "Yes, you can inscribe anything you like on the sign. You'll need a good model enamel, so that it will survive the harsh treatment of rain and snow. Personally I like to put a wood finish on my SquirrelKnockers to add that extra.. je ne sais quoi!" L: "Wow, isn't that terrific? But, Marnie, what if you're not much of a Van Gogh?" M: "So?" L: "Well how will you make your cute little sign?" M: "It's not very difficult, Lynette. It's as easy as writing with a pen!" L: "Yeah, but what if you're a quadriplegic and are incapable of using paintbrushes? What then?? How will our quadriplegic viewers be able to make their own little wooden sign inscriptions??" M: "Let's move on to our next little craft, the-" L: "NO! I want to KNOW! HOW THE HELL-" <..> "Hi, welcome back, I'm Lynette Jennings and this is House and Home. It's time for my favourite part of the show, 'This is Delicious, Mom!' Cooking with us today is world famous chef, John Wilkinson. John's appeared in such cooking programs as 'Ready, Set, Cook!' and 'FOOD NOW!'. Come on out, John!" J: "Hi Lynette, you don't know what a pleasure it is to be on your public access television program. Really!" L: "It's great to see you again, John!" J: "But, we've never met..?" L: "Ha ha ha HA HA HA ha HAHA John you're such a joker! Anyhoo, what are we cooking today?" J: "Well today I thought we'd make something really, very special. Since the holidays are coming up I was thinking of making some super-ultra-insanely-low-fat-appetizers for all those Christmas parties this time of year. All you'll need to prepare these cute little hors d'oeuvres is some lettuce, wheat germ, and McGarry's sausages. Looks like we're just about ready to start, Lynette!" L: "That's great. But what about variety, John? Isn't that what it's all about these days? Someone doesn't like what the other likes, and vice versa? Surely you can't serve lettuce wheat germ sausages all night long?" J: "Well, that's the fun part, Lynette. With these three simple ingredients, you can make over 30 different appetizers, all under 3 grams of fat!" L: "Wow! I like the sound of that! Show us how it's done." J: "Well, you just get a good saucepan, and chop up some of the lettuce into it. Make sure it's washed! Then, fry the sausages in a frying pan until they're nicely browned, periodically sprinkling wheat germ on them. This will add flavour to the sausages, as well as protein! Once the sausages are done, wrap a small piece of lettuce around the sausage and hold it together with a toothpick. Once you're done, you should have something that looks like this:" L: "Wow! Look at all those different kinds of wheat germ sausages wrapped in lettuce! I don't think I've ever seen such variety! That's absolutely wonderful, John, really." J: "It's my specialty!" L: "We'll be right back." <..> "Well, folks, I hate to say it, but that's all the time we have for today! I'd like to thank my guests today Marnie Williams and John Wilkinson for their wonderful cooperation. Tomorrow we've got Aikido champion Bob Su who's going to show us how to make one hell of a shish kabab! Hope you'll join us. Bah-bye." !!========================================================================!! !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #424, WRITTEN BY: ANONGIRL - 1/13/99 !!