'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #385 !! #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Macking" !! ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mogel !! ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !! !!========================================================================!! This file is about getting girls. It's strong enough for a man, but intended for a woman. If you are a male, please stop reading this file right now. I mean it. Go to the next file. Okay, now that there's only women here, I can continue. Originally I was going to make this yet another "Mogel-sarcastic-how-to" article. That would've been an easy cop-out, but I thought I'd interject my own personal feelings on the subject instead. Writing a silly t-file is one thing, but the massive number of people that seriously use the techniques that I will describe in this file is remarkably high, and it's pissing me off to no end. I'll get my opinion on the table right now, so that I can describe these techniques without constant reiteration. "Macking" -- the art of getting girls interested in you (often, but not neccesarily, with sex as the only motivation) -- is incredibly lame. Often it requires manipulation, cliche, and general stupidity. I realize the intention of macking is to get a girl interested in you... and certainly there's nothing inherently wrong with starting a conversation with someone that you're attracted to. I'm certainly not supporting a Christian-like "deny-thyself-pleasure" ethic. I hate to sound like Oprah, but honesty is always the best policy. In an over-simplified sense, there are 3 basic types of relationships that people have: 1. The One-time Fuck 2. Short-term Relationship 3. Long-term Relationship Most people fall into #2 or #3, of which "macking" serves an even more absurd purpose -- if a girl is getting to know him for more than one night, she should appreciate him for who he is, without any tricks or sneaky lines. Obviously for #1, it is not necessary to have a great deal of insight into the other person's life. Typical conversation for this type of interaction will probably be rather superficial and pointless... however, I will always hold to my philosophy that being honest is most important. If both people involved in relationship #1 are truly comfortable with the notion of a "one-shot fuck," then fine. Nobody gets hurt. However, if a guy is using macking techniques to LIE -- for the sole purpose of getting someone into bed and then screw them over, they completely suck. Of course, guys like this know that they suck. And they don't care about the morality involved... if they cared about that, they wouldn't do it. This is the very reason I chose to direct this file towards embarrassing and exposing these macks. I'll admit that, hypothetically, a guy COULD read this text file and use the techniques to manipulate even MORE girls, but, uh... THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY! A great man once said, "it's not what you know, it's who you know." That doesn't apply to this text file at all; however, it makes it's point: people are superficial. Girls, being people, are no exception. You know, I really hate to sound so jaded, but the majority of girls I've interacted with are basically looking for an "archetype man," whether they consciously realize it or not. The clever macking male need only talk to a girl for a few minutes to discover which archetype she's looking for and then completely exploit it by acting the archetype. Simple, huh? Yes sir, and boy, and does it ever work! The following is a list of the most common "macks" I've found. My recommendation for guys who are *not* interested in manipulation is to never seriously use any of these techniques as "macks." They may work, and I realize my point here might not be as WaCkY as someone might like, but simply put: when it comes to meeting girls, nothing is better or more rewarding than getting to know someone simply by being who you are. And as for the girls... I *know* that most of you have been a sucker for at least a few of these things in your life. Anyway, here's the listing: The Eye Contact Technique ========================= This is a basic, key ingredient to macking any girl. Actually, this technique can be used in many more situations than just macking. Whenever someone is speaking, or you are speaking to someone -- maintain eye contact with them. This might seem very simple and superficial to some guys, but for some reason, when someone says something while maintaining eye contact, there is a much higher chance that whatever they say will be believed, regardless of how sincere it really is. The Soul Mate Mack ================== The key to this mack is the guy's quest of finding things he has in common with a particular girl. This will be easier for some girls than others. The majority of girls are looking for a guy they can easily relate to... which is natural. There's two levels to this mack: the basic, superficial level, and the Advanced Soul Mate Mack. The easiest target for this mack are girls that readily label themselves as being obsessive about anything -- or even better, they define themselves thoroughly with any one particular subculture or group. This can extend into music ("I'm a ska girl! I love ska!"), interests ("I love to snow board!"), personalities ("I love being a bitch!"), or even all-out social groups ("I am *such* a stoner, dude!"). All that's required on the basic level is for him to simply connect himself with all the things that the girl loves. This doesn't always work. The advanced level of this mack challenges him to remember all the things the girl likes (ideally it's more than, like, two) and sorting out which are the most important. Obviously, that's not *too* hard. One needs only to compile and organize all the information a girl gives him about herself, and effectively associate himself with the majority of those things. Sometimes this works in the most idiotic ways ("YOU LIKE CATS -- I LIKE CATS! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!!"), but ideally, it will appear as if you two were MEANT TO MEET AND FALL IN LOVE! Oh, and when in doubt, the guy can simply say "I completely agree!" to whatever the girl says, but obviously this technique suffers with repeated use. The Pick-Up Line Mack ===================== Surprisingly enough, The Pick-Up Line Mack is one of the least manipulative macks on this list. It is, however, the most stupid. It's also used by thousands of idiots in clubs throughout America and the world. Believe it or not, there's actually a "good" way to use a pick-up line and a "bad" way to use a pick-up line. The difference comes in attitude. Someone giving a bad pick-up line will speak as if to say, "I'm very pathetic and I will not be surprised if you shit in my mouth." The good way to give a pick-up line, if such a thing were ever to exist, would be to act "cute". The trick here is for him to pretend that he's smart, and that he's using the pick-up in an intentionally sarcastic manner. Thus, by going up to someone and saying, "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" he is actually *making fun* of people who would really say that! Of course, at the same time as doing this, he's getting his chance to talk to the girl in question and testing the waters for a reaction. He might even get a relatively sarcastic "Sure!" out of it. Isn't making fun of others for the things you do clever? You bet! Of course, if he's using the "cute" style of pick-up lines, he is often armed with *several* absurd lines so he doesn't end up sounding like a broken record. Here's a list of some of the more terrible pick-up lines I've actually heard. Oh, and all of these obviously start with the words "Hey baby." Line #1: Are those space pants you're wearing? 'Cause your butt is outta this world! Line #2: That outfit is very becoming on you, and if you wore me, I'd be coming on you, too. Line #3: You're so hot, you melted the elastic in my underwear. Line #4: I've got the F, the C, and the K, now all I need is U! (Ironically, this can also be used as an insult.) Line #5: The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. Line #6: Is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can really see myself in your pants. Line #7: Hi, my name is _________. Remember it, 'cause you'll be screaming it later. I think this would be a perfect time to remind you that girls who *do* talk to guys using one of these lines, regardless of how cute they appear to be, are complete idiots. Thanks a lot. The Timid Cuteboy Mack ====================== Basically, this is playing the role of the innocent, romantic guy with limited hope for love. It revolves around the use of the line, "But why would a girl like you would fall for a boy like me?" It's cheesy, cliche, and transparent as hell (unless the guy has a pretty low self-esteem, in which case he probably wouldn't be the best person for you to date, quite honestly) -- but for some weird reason, girls who hear these sacred words can't help but think, "Wow! This guy must really think fondly of me! There is no possibility he is just saying that to sleep with me!" The Very Stable Mack ==================== "I'm happy being single!" is the refrain of this guy. The point here is to not scare away the girl by having her think that he's looking for a long-term relationship and to show that he's perfectly functional, not needy, and happy being alone. Of course, the majority of the guys that use this mack are probably the most needy human beings on the planet. They probably see the girl's role in his world to be one as picking up his dirty socks and giving him a nightly blow job in as well as reassuring him *yet again* that she does, in fact, love him more than anyone else in the known (and unknown) universe for all time. The Fed Up Mack =============== This mack lets the girl think that he's ready to make a new, fresh start in the world of dating! He's ready to invest a lot of romance into it THIS time! Basically, it focuses on the line, "I'm fed up with all the terrible relationships! I'm going all out for the perfect romance this time! I can't wait to prove it to someone!" The "Boy Am I Wonderful" Mack ============================= A man bragging at length about himself certainly can and does work on some girls, but that can also be a big turn off. The safest method for him to use, ironically enough, is to talk about how well he treated his ex's. By going into detail about the various wonderful things he did for her (often financial, if possible), some girls can't help but think, "That could be me! My last boyfriend only took me to McDonalds! He must have not cared about me!" -- which could certainly be true. It would be interesting to note that The Boy Am I Wonderful Mack inherently breeds exaggeration and lies, since the guy is interested in impressing you (he's trying to mack, remember!). Incidentally, the clever user of this technique will *never* refer to his actual *feelings* for the girls he's been involved with. This would imply that there might be "others" out there in the world he has felt strongly about... but even worse, it might imply that he's really not over it yet. The Huge Cock Mack ================== This guy brags about his sexual prowess. Of course, it matters very little if he's *actually* a good lover or not, because once he's managed to convince a horny girl that he is one... and she's having sex with him, he's gotten what he wanted anyway. And, incidentally, she's gotten what she deserves. The "Let's Talk About Sex" Mack =============================== An alternate and more common version of the previous mack, this is especially acceptable in the "I'm discovering myself!" college crowd. Simply get into an intimate situation with a girl (i.e. alone with her in her room), and begin talking about sex. This can be done in an innocent way at first, as to not make his plan so obvious. He will continue to talk about sex. If both of you end up talking about being kinky enough, there's actually a chance that you'll both be so horny that you can't resist doing *something*. This is what he's counting on. The Sexual Revolution Mack ========================== Ever-ready to exploit, the user of this mack knows how to channel his erect penis directly into a girl's confused vagina. "Yeah, baby, sex is no big deal, yeah. Free love is for intellectuals." They will often expound on the virtue of free love, and why society would be better if people *really* could understand what it was about. The "Do I Know You?" Mack ========================= This is a relatively innocent lie that is used to start talking to a girl. If he sees someone that he finds very cute, he simply asks them, "Do I know you?" or "You look very familiar for some reason." If the girl is at all interested in solving the mystery, they will both end up revealing information about themselves and start talking. The Tickle Mack =============== Probably over half of the male population in the world has used this mostly innocent (but lame) macking technique at some point in their lives. It's very simple: tickle them. He gets the opportunity to "touch" girls, hiding behind the false pretense that tickling is something acceptable for people over the age of 10 to be doing. You'd be amazed at how many people really do use this mack consistently. But even worse is the slightly less used "Play Fighting Mack", in which he either pretends to wrestle with a girl, or the more common use of pillow fighting. Yuck. The Fatalistic Poetboy Mack =========================== This is similar to The Soul Mate Mack, except the guy will place more emphasis on the mysterious "synchronisity" of your lives. The words "it was meant to be!" ever-ready to trickle off his tongue, he'll often make absurd poetic metaphors about you and him. An example: "That purple flair is obviously a representation of the turbulent passionate undercurrents swirling amidst the straight lines, beacons of austerity in nineteenth-century marriage." WHAT?!@ Most girls giggle these guys off, saying, "Hee-hee! He makes no sense... he must be a genius!" The Pretentious Art Fag Mack ============================ I think we all know some of these. The goal of this mack is to pretend as if he has some sort of "mysterious special insight" into not only many famous men of any given field of art, but the very notion of art itself. Here's the gospel on this mack, according to Squinky: "What you want to do is find out what poetry the girl likes, what artists... and then you start babbling endless shit about them, But the key is to actually know what you're talking about. THEN, you say something like, 'You know, it's a real shame how a real artist like Johnny Rimbaud got adopted by the art fags and made useless.' And then you draw a parallel between yourself and the artist -- as a TRUE REVOLUTIONARY -- someone who combines ART with ACTION. The real key to this is reading all the poets. because you can't fucking babble shit about poets you don't know." The "Pity Me Please" Mack ========================= This mack is pretty simple, and only works occasionally. Basically, it consists of a guy rattling on about what a terrible life he's had... but *especially* in regards to relationships. As if to silently scream "PITY ME, PLEASE," the user of this mack intends to make a girl feel as if she has the very special chance to be the very first "quality girlfriend" he's ever had! He'll be so lucky! This mack only works if he is lying about it, though. Guys who genuinely deserve pity never have the macking skills to get any. The Murmur Mystery Mack ======================= Named after the beloved creator of this mack, we're not even completely sure why or how it works -- however, it is ABSURDLY easy to emulate. He simply needs to act incredibly detached in the majority of social situations, only interjecting "random and wacky" comments. Sometimes these comments will extend into actions, and he'll find himself required to leap into a mound of bird shit and feathers... just so people will say "Isn't he weird and wacky?!" I know it sounds like this wouldn't work, but for some mysterious reason, it does. Some speculate that the detached nature and randomness serve as a "enigma." Girls are forced to ask, "is he really this retarded ALL THE TIME? There must be more to him than just this!" and proceed to discover that, in fact, there is not. But he gets some action in the meantime. The Antisocial Computerboy Mack =============================== I'll admit that even I've used this mack, much to my shame. Since e-mail can be easier at times than dealing with someone face-to-face (especially in regards to macking, expressing feelings, etc.), the Antisocial Computerboy can often write long, emotional letters to the girl in question -- often ones which force some sort of reaction out of her. E-mailing people can certainly also be used as a means to get to know someone better who we don't normally see in real life, but in the case of macking, it's unfortunately used more often as a security blanket because the guy is actually too much of a wimp to deal with real life. Macking Girls with Boyfriends ============================= Macking a girl with a boyfriend is pretty simple. They talk shit about him. I know that sounds mean and cruel, but there's really no other effective way to do it. This granted, the more clever guy who macks girls with boyfriends often does this in more "subtle" ways. Often after talking with a girl, he will ask "innocent" questions regarding their relationship... including what they do, how they act, and so on. It's inevidable that the girl will leak information regarding things she doesn't like about her significant other. This information, of course, is solid gold for the macker. He will begin making constant (subtle or obvious) reference to these little "defects" in the relationship, talking about how, if he were in that situation, he would never do that. Macking Crazy Girls =================== Macking the infamous "crazy girl" is quite similar to all the macks above, but can be more accurately described as The "Find Out The Girl's Particular Psychological Disorder and Fill The Role She Thinks Will Actually Help Her" Mack. This is going to take some practice, and generally the guys that use it are either incredibly hard up for dates or incredibly fucked up themselves. The most dangerous part of this mack, however, is that if he does a good job with it, the girl will REALLY BELIEVE HE IS THAT PERSON. Because they're CRAZY. However, the most effective mack I have seen for Crazy Girls is the ever-ironic Misogyny Mack. A guy need only insult the girl a lot. This inherently would sound like great fun to some guys; but wait, there's more! As long as he continues to blatantly insult this girl for no clear, personal reason... nine out of ten girls will continue to talk to him! And quite often, it's not because they're trying to ignore him; it's because they want to win him over! I know, I know. It sounds impossible, right? It's true. Once a Crazy Girl finds out that a guy is "an asshole", she will try to get into a relationship with him. The Crazy Girl always wants to be 'the one' to save him -- and if she does get into a relationship with him, she will feel special because she is the one girl out of all girls in the world that he hates... who he likes! Ahh, irony. You mock us so. !!========================================================================!! !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #385 - WRITTEN BY: Mogel - 12/25/98 !!