Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý Ý Û Ý Ý Ý BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written August 3rd, 1992 #009 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ Presents Ú ÄÄ ¿ "101 Ways To Kill or Maim a Senior Citizen" ³ by ³ Chessman À ÄÄ Ù {----------------------------------------------------------------------} 1. Beat them silly with their walking stick 2. Take away their Clapper 3. Put a rabid rat in their pink fluffy slippers 4. Put spikes on the seat of their wheelchair 5. Put cyanide in their tea bags 6. Strap two huge speakers to their head and play Megadeath until their head explodes 7. Tell them that huge electrical thing is their bathroom 8. Push them into the oven when they're making dinner 9. Float a poisonous frog in their oatmeal 10. Tell them that the little red sign says "WALK" 11. Cut their hair 12. Feed them clay, while assuring them that it IS squash 13. Make them sit on the wing of the plane 14. Clip some jumpers to your engine and tell them to hook the cables to their ears 15. Tell them Orville Reddenbacher is younger and better looking 16. "Don't worry Grandma, I'll hold the ladder...." 17. Tell them you need to give them an autopsy for a school report 18. Put their head in the fan and tell them they're at the beauty parlor 19. Wheel them right into the deep end of the pool 20. Sell them to science 21. Take Wheel of Fortune off the air 22. Put them in the moving van with the rest of the "antiques" 23. Ask them if they want to go out in the snow, and make them into a snowman 24. Put out a contract on them 25. Make them go to Mexico City and drink the water 26. Buy a pit bull and make them scratch its tummy 27. "A little farther grandma.. there's a sand bar out there somewhere..." 28. Replace their fiber with heroine 29. Convince them it was their fault the "where's the beef" lady died 30. Next time their thirsty put the hose in their mouth and turn it on full blast 31. Put them in a box and give them to the UPS guy as a gift 32. Tell them the roof is a slide 33. Convince them it IS safe to bungee jump with dental floss 34. Incite a riot at the local bingo parlor 35. Tell them to answer the iron 36. Stab them with a pitchfork while they work in the garden 37. Introduce them to Jeffery Dahmer 38. "You stand here and tell me if the headlights work..." 39. Strangle them with their Depends 40. Put them on a pair of Rollerblades and push them down the highway 41. Stick a battery onto a stick and tell them it's a lollipop 42. Push them into some quicksand 43. Feed then Indian food 44. Have the Keebler Elves repeatedly assualt them 45. Open a window and tell them their room is through there 46. Give them to a group of bikers in exchange for a k-rad Harley Davidson sticker 47. "My bazooka's clogged. Will you look in and see what's wrong..." 48. Give them a stick of dynamite and say it's a candle 49. Give them a banana and when they open their mouth shove it in and choke them 50. Put them on the swing and push it REAL high 51. Ask them if they want to play jacks and when they grab the ball, pick up the jacks and throw them in their eyes 52. Set up Monopoly and insist that you be the thimble 53. Wallpaper them to the wall and leave them there until they stop kicking 54. "I bet you can't stick your hand into the paper shredder..." 55. Stick them with pins 56. Have them stand under an apple tree and shake it real hard so they get pelted by falling apples 57. Convince them your little brother will only love them if they go down the chimney on their way inside 58. Knock them into the head of the mafia as he leaves the courthouse 59. Put them in a nursing home 60. Put them on the barbeque after telling them it will kill their warts 61. Place each of their fingers into a pencil sharpener 62. Send them to training camp with the Bears 63. Dress them up like Rodney King and have them speed along in front of the police station 64. Tell them a bull really is a gentle creature 65. Test their elasticity by putting them on a stretching rack 66. Make them drink acrylic paint while telling them it's from the fountain of youth 67. Take them to the gas station and hold their nose saying, "I don't want you to take in any fumes," and when they open their mouth to breathe stick the gas thing in and push it. 68. Roll them up and smoke them 69. Dress up like Peter Pan and tell them they can fly but only from really high places 70. Leave them out in the sun and watch them dehydrate 71. Take them on safari and push them into a den of lions 72. Squirt them with acid 73. Have them breathe pure radon 74. Send them to Chernobyl for a summer get away 75. Tell them the best stores are on Three Mile Island 76. Have them sit on a cactus 77. Put a set of horns on them and push them into a field of Buckmasters 78. Put their tongue in a light socket 79. Take away their glasses and put them in a room covered with sharp objects 80. Lay a mattress across railroad tracks and put them there 81. Claim they're possessed by demons and remove they're stomach and feet 82. Cut off their legs and make a hat 83. Make them into a cool, frosty slurpy 84. Tie them to a camel and have it walk off 85. Waltz with them until they turn into butter 86. Send them in a boat to get an eye-witness account of a tropical storm 87. Put a straw in their nostrils and suck the life right out of them 88. Play baseball with their head 89. Practice for your Biology final on them 90. Give them thermite instead of Metamucil 91. Put a bomb in their hair-nets 92. Sweep up a slaughter house with them 93. Make them move the piano into the garage... and then move it back 94. Kick them with wooden shoes 95. Push them off the high dive into an empty pool 96. Flick cigarette butts at them until they go insane 97. Put a live lobster in their underwear 98. Pack them into a nuclear bomb and drop them somewhere in the USSR 99. Beat them to a bloody pulp with a hammer 100. Light their hair on fire 101. Put tapeworms in their dentures Wow! It's a real testament to the human spirit that I finshed that. After 47 I just ran out of ideas, which probably shows by the last few.... Nevertheless I hope you enjoyed this Za/\/y BLaH release as much as I enjoyed making it. {---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz 0.90á says "7600 Bytes Total"--------------} BLaH, as of now, is: REMEBER Chessman ------- Guido Sanchez If it says BLaH, it probably isn't... "Whenever I hear the name Guido Sanchez, I have to laugh, because who is that guy?" -Chessman BLaH ts Nun-Beaters Anonymous | <708>251-5094 | 110/16.8k Hell Bound | <708>965-8965 | 2400/14.4k {--The Wall..anything on the WEST is pure, the EAST is evil---------------} So which side are we on?