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V V . ### ##| #### #### . |_| . . o ## #### #### \|| |/|| . . . ,_____+_< _##_____ # # #__## |___ ___| . . '------X\/ ) | \ /\ | ### ___# . > x| . . ___\_/__|____ \/\ \_____| | . \_/. /\ \__/\/ | | . \/__________________/_____ | __ ___ | | /\/\ | | \ _|_ / | | |FF| | | | __ | | __, , _ __ ^'^ | |JA| | |__/ /__\ | --- | / | |/ \ / \ /x x\ | \/ | | \___ | | | | | |--/ ==o== | | | \___ \__| | \__ _\/U\/_ | | ________ || || | ___ /________\ | | MM MM | ##### ||v v| | |\ /| | o | | |O ### ||o o| | | \/ | A N U A L | | | /_ ## || < | | CH! | | //| |\\ | ) | |\\_// | REEE | | M | | M | _\ /_ |_\_/____| C ________ \_/ | / __ | | ____ |S |DANGER| | |/ / | ._|_/ - \_|_, | # # | . | / / | | |- - | | | o , . O @@@ | XX/ | | | - | | | # O O | , _/o@X@ ______ | | |__| - - |__| |______| | | O /_ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @|----| ##========## | || |o| | | \___@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@=| | ## _ ## \ __||||_||| @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ | | | __o #_ _______./ | | |'|-|---_ @@@@@@@@@@@@@ \ | | # |o| _) _|\. __- @@ WW@@ | / | |__ |o| | \_ |___ -____ @@ @@ | | | _/ |o| | \ < x\ _- || || _|__| / \___|o| ___ /__ \___o ______-- /_| /_| (____) | '-| | _| | --------- / (__) (__) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ==================== Ring these boards! ==================== Zen BBS. 899-6180 All Speeds Running TBBS on 4 lines. The Twilite Zone. 562-0686 300/300 1200/1200 24 hrs a day! Doodz Domain. 646-5861 All Speeds 23 hrs a day! 6463171 Furthur Regions. 725-1923 All Speeds 23 hrs a day! The Crossover. 367-5816 All Speeds 23 hrs a day! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ================= W A R N I N G ! ================= Read only under the supervision of adults. Keep out of reach of Children. Consult a doctor if pain persists. --------------------------------------------------------------------- ================================= Pets for Profit! Killer Koalas. ================================= By Lightening Bolt Introduction. ------------- Due to the inhibitive costs and the general community's negative opinion towards conventional weapons, there has developed a new trend in the terrorist, religious fanatics, minority group and now police and military arms markets. Until now, weapons have relied heavily on either high technology, which is expensive, or the spontaneous reactions of chemicals to cause damage which is, although effective, clumsy, not totally reliable and often traceable. There is now a pollution free, untraceable, reliable, cheap and effective method of inducing havoc. The Koala, among other animals, is viewed as the harmless, cuddly animal that munches on gum leaves all day long. That is until now. The breeding and training of such deadly animals is becoming one of the world's most lucrative businesses. The major advantages to entrepreneurs is the low capital investment, high profit margins and the vast potential market. When trained, these animals are not just animals, they're BEASTS! Before you begin. ----------------- Before you begin, you should do some research into your clientele. It is good business to have your stock ordered before they are actually ready to be delivered, it is also much safer. It is also wise to specialise in one market. Supplying both the terrorist and anti-terrorist markets could lead to embarrassing confrontations and possible defamatory accusations. What You Will Need. ------------------- 1. A plentiful supply of food. 2. A plentiful supply of Fosters Lager. 3. Military Grade Fencing. 4. A Shot Gun (Self preservation purposes only). 5. Good breeding stock. 6. GUTS! Breeding/Training Camp. ----------------------- <--------------- 100 Metres -----------------> _________________________________________________________ |4 | |4 | |__| ............................................. |__| | ..1.......................................... | | ............................................. | | ............................................. | | ............................................. | | ............................................. | | | | | | ________ | | 3 |2 | | | | | | |__ |________| __| |4 | |4 | |__|___________________________________________________|__| Area 1: ------- One of the more important factors in the training of the Koala is the habitat. The average backyard usually isn't big enough, nor is there usually a sufficient food supply. This is one of the reasons that this is a professional industry, and not really suitable for the home hobbyist. You should allow at least a ten metre square plot of land for each Koala you intend to train. It must be heavily planted with gum trees, and it is vital that the perimeter be fenced off, preferably with 3 metre concrete barricades, but industrial strength cyclone fencing is sufficient to begin with, but seriously consider military standard electric fensing. That area will be the Koala's off duty and relaxation area where they can eat, sleep and do whatever else Koalas do after a hard day's training. I cannot stress enough how important it is that this area be as comfortable as possible for the Koalas, as a psychologically balanced Koala is far more efficient in combat. A plentiful supply of Fosters Lager should be placed in convenient branches throughout this area. Victoria Bitter is also acceptable. Under no circumstances should imported beers be used, especially Kiwi Lager! Death or even worse, phycological damage, may result. Area 2: ------- The Koala breeding area. This area MUST be securely barricaded from the rest of the compound. It would be disastrous if one of your less desirable male Koalas ruined your breeding program. Area 3: ------- This is the training area. It should contain various articles of equipment with which the Koalas can improve their skills for the environment in which they will ultimately be unleashed. The usual rope bridges, fences, obstacle course items are a good place to start. If you use your imagination you'll probably find many of those articles you've had stuck in your garage for years that you thought you'd use one day, will actually be able to utilized here. I don't recommend you use vaulting horses, but if you do, watch out for unusual enthusiasm on the Koalas' behalf, and do regular head counts. This area should also be used for getting your Koala's accustomed to being shot at, bombed etc. A good exercise for this is to put a grenade into a stuffed baby Koala, giving it to a dingo, and unleashing your Koala's on the dingo. The point of the grenade is twofold. One, the Koalas become accustomed to explosions. Two, it is a humane way of destroying the dingo should it somehow survive the Koala attack. Area 4: ------- Guard towers. As a precautionary measure to give advanced warning of impending legal matters, and more importantly to keep a watchful eye on the compound. It could lead to difficult questions being asked of your activities if several blood hungry Koala's escaped and began slaughtering the neighbours. Breeding. --------- The most important aspect of this business is a well planned breeding program. The best stock to use is the Tasmanian Koala. Recognised worldwide for their superior qualities, especially their swimming abilities and heavy vehicle dodging abilities. Once a suitable breeding pair is found, you should begin your breeding program as soon as possible. It will take at least three generations of carefully monitored breeding until you have a born and bred Killer Koala. With that in mind, you may be interested in trying cross breeds, depending on your target market of course. For amphibian attacks, you could try crossing a Koala with a Platypus. Consider the abilities of this creature; the Combat Koalapus. Other Things To Try. -------------------- Instead of breeding Koalas, there are many other animals that can be bred and trained for equally devastating results. Sometimes Koalas just aren't suitable for the climate, the terrain or other factors degrading their performance. Here are some other animals you may consider experimenting with: Location Animal Comments -------------- ------------ -------------------------------- Rainforests Sloths Only with an ample amphetamine supply.Has the advantage of surprise. Oceans Self Detonating Hunt in schools. Has great Sardines learning abilities. Devastating! Just ask the Titanic's Captain how close that ice berg was. Lochs Ness-Monsters Breeding stock hard to find. Cities Guinea Pigs Awesome abilities to penetrate high security areas undetected. Readily available from pet shops. Good for the home hobbyist. Lemmings Once re-educated are excellent for sky-scraper assaults. Enemy Animal Comments -------------- -------------- -------------------------------- Tanks Wombat Excellent Anti-Vehicle creatures. Guerillas Leeches Excellent ambushing capabilities. Tough training them to tell the difference of friend & foe. Aircraft Seagulls Excellent Anti-Turbine creatures. New Zealanders Sheep Need I say more? Potential Markets. ------------------ In the domestic market there are hundreds of unexploited opportunities waiting for your attention. Perfect for the home enthusiast, or someone without sufficient capital to invest in a large scale operation. All you require is inventiveness and a bit of ingenuity. Once you have the domestic market in your grip it is time to expand. The religious fanatics, minority groups, terrorists and mafia/triads are just waiting to be introduced to the marvels of modern creatures of destruction. Why stop there? Why not become an international arms supplier. There are a multitude of emerging nations without sufficient funds to employ full scale armies to conquer their enemies. An inexpensive alternative is their only option, and you can provide that alternative. With the correct contacts [Also read as Bribes - Ed] you may even be able to attain a Federal Government Export Assistance Grant. Think of it. A thousand Attack Armadillos, supported by 500 Kamikaze Kangaroos attacking some unsuspecting troops armed only with grenades, machine guns, rocket launchers. Pity them! Ideas ----- The Mormon Market: After the door is slammed in their face, they open their briefcase with one of your Hyperactive MegaTermites. Once the door is down, they set loose one of your Atheist Seeking Aardvarks, and they're 90% of the way to another successful conversion. The School Market: The fat kid that is always getting picked on one day just can't take it any longer. He saves up his lunch money, and buys one of your Homework Hungry House Mouse. He goes to school as usual, but the first kid that calls him "fatty" today will have to think of a better excuse than Joe's mouse ate all my homework. --------------------------------------------------------------------- ========== Petcare. ========== By SYN ... Choosing a Pet. --------------- It is very important when choosing a pet to take into consideration all aspects of keeping that pet happy and healthy. You must select the pet that is right for you! [Is that why SYN ... has a dog? - ED] FISH. ----- These must be amoung the easiest of pets to keep. Once an aquarium has been set up they are both cheap and quick to look after. [I look at my fish tank after sex, what about you SYN ...? -Ed] If you find a few fish lying on the bottom with slightly twisted backs, then it is an indication that the water is polluted or that you forgot to feed the fish for the past two months. [God! My fish karked it after only two weeks without food - Ed.] When you find that all the plants have died and that you can no longer see through the glass then it is time to clean the tank. It is an idea to remember to remove the fish from the tank before draining out the water. [So that's what I did wrong! -Ed.] Oh, above all else, don't forget; don't eat the green ones, they aren't ripe yet! [Witty isn't she? -Ed.] BIRDS. ------ Another hint for the animal lover who does not wish to spend a great deal of time in upkeep of their pet(s). Quite deceptive really, caged birds make more mess than an elephant in a strawberry patch. [And slightly less than a baby in a food processor with the top left off! -Ed.] If you wake up one morning to find your birds a little cold and stiff it is a sign that you forgot to wash the spray off the lettuce leaves you gave them the night before. [Or that you left the gas oven on, and it wasn't alight. Don't light up a cigarette to test which it was! -Ed.] Budgies: If you ever need to catch them, make sure you have rubber hands or cast iron gloves- they bite! [I know women like that! -Ed.] One small problem incurred is that they don't always let go when you do [Are we talking budgies or the women I know? -Ed.], and shaking your hand vigorously to flick them off does wonders to the quality and quantity of stock as they are flung against the wall. Also, be careful not to give into the tempation of strangling the rotten little sods when you find their beak comming through the other side of your finger. [That narrows it down to 3 women I know. -Ed] All this too much to cope with? How about you befriend some of the local inhabitants of the area. [If they're female I know most of them already. -Ed] All those bird scraps just crumble and sprinkle on the verandah. You will soon be mates with many a sparrow, their brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends etc etc. Just remember not to sit or lean on the railings anymore. Ever thought how nice it would be to have a feathered friend keep you company when you went for a swim? [I've been swimming with birds before! -Ed] Well, a duck is the pet for you. [I haven't played that game before. Sounds almost as much fun as Plat-A-Pussy! -Ed] This time, just remember not to walk on your lawn bearfoot anymore. Your alarm clock doesn't work any more? Get some chooks! Without fail, your new rooster will graciously awake you at dawn, and this multi-purpose pet will even more graciously appear as Sunday's dinner within the month. And if you feel that birds alone are not enough for you, never fear! Within a few weeks your aviary or garage can become the new home for all the local mice and their offspring. DOGS: (Man's best friend - How's that for original!?) ----------------------------------------------------- [And I thought there were better things in life than dogs!? -Ed] Exercise is the most important thing besides everthing else. [? -Ed] Depending on the weather and time of day will result in how your dog wishes to exercise you. Most likely it will wish to give you a 10 mile run when it's 35 degrees outside. [I thought a hundred push-ups at 3am while stark naked was bad enough! SYN ..., I'm not going out with you ever again if that's what it takes! -Ed] And of course many cross country tracks that you never dreamed of trecking will be followed as your dog races after rabbits or the local cat. [And I thought dogs liked playing with balls! -Ed] AND remember, your dog is the most lovable just when you have given it a bath. [Showers aren't that bad either. Especially if you've got a bottle of baby oil. -Ed] If you like playing golf, then be sure to get your dog when it is still young. By the time it's grown you will have your very own 32 hole golf course in the back yard - free of charge. (4 Pages of really boring comments that I couldn't make any statements about were deleted here. In short, dogs dig up your garden, make a mess of your lawn, have problems having puppies and are still loved by some people. -Ed] Miscellaneous. -------------- After a generous, caring pet? How about a guinea pig? They will undoubtedly leave you with a lovely(?) warm feeling in your lap after petting them. [I really think I should leave the gaffer tape joke out of this... but REALLY SYN ..., I expected better from YOU! -Ed] Want to get rid of that unused look of your new sofa? Then a cat will be your choice. It will quickly select your sofa as it's bed and a great means of sharpening it's claws. [I've had my sofa messed up by a pussy or two myself! -Ed] Goats are great when you are spring cleaning. You might leave clothes lying around for some variety in their diet. Rabbits are good for an inexpensive irrigation system in your back yard and under your house. [Plus you can offer someone you really hate some cheat sultanas. -Ed] Sheep are great for keeping the lawns down. (Anohter multi- purpose pet?) [Is that why New Zealanders have such well kept lawns? -Ed] Conclusion. ----------- Well folks, I hope you are slightly more informed as to which pet is best suited to you. Things to remember: * Don't forget to feed. This can be determined with practice. Increase food when you have trouble seeing your pet. * Don't overfeed! You have overdone it a little when your pet can no longer move. * Give plenty of exercise. It is best to put a leash around your pet galah's ankle, unlike a dog. * Choose your pet according to your facilities. - Don't be so inconsiderate as to purchase a duck without a swimming pool! - A dog if you don't have a garden it can excavate. - A puppy if you don't have new carpets - oh, and don't forget to leave your new Ug Boots lying around either! Have Fun choosing your new pet now! SYN ... [I don't think I'll buy a SYN ... after all -Ed.] --------------------------------------------------------------------- ========================= The Theory of Evolution ========================= by Charles Melbourne, or Perth. One of those big cities, anyway! ___ / \ \ / .__| |__, | | | | | | MAN | | | | \_/ \_/ | | | | | | _| | |_ (___|___) | \|/ | | Here, at the time of the advent | of computers, two species appear. +-------+------+ NON-COMPUTER USERS | | | | COMPUTER USERS. \|/ \|/ | | | | __ +--->---+---<--+ / o\___ | | | | ____) | | | \ ,---' | \|/ | @ ____ | | | | | Here two more distinctly @@@/ \/ / | | | different species emerge. / / / | | +-<+>-------------------------+ / \ / | ------+ | | NERDS, LOSERS, ETC... | \ /_/ | | | By some sick quirk of | \_______/ | | evolution, these | | | | | undesirable computer | 'E'E | | users survived. | | | | DODO: Some humans | | | failed to become | | ________ | computer users because | | /________\_ | of a low learning | | / o\ ---------+ capacity | | \__________o/ | | | \________/ | | | | | | SOFTWARE LEECHES. | ___________ | \|/ These users do nothing | / __ \_ | | but latch onto any | | / \ x \ ---------+ | passing BBS's and suck | \/ ___ \ \ \ | out several times its own | /___ \__\ \__\| | body weight of software, | \\\ \\\ | giving nothing in return. | | ) ( | THE MOLE: As the name | ( _ ( | suggests, this is an | /#\ ) | inflitrating animal, which is +-+ |#| ( | believed to be a cross between | |#| ) ^_ | a computing animal and a | \#\________/ o\ | non-computing animal. The mole's | \######### _> --------+ function seems to be to burrow | | _____ ___/ | into BBS's in search of illegal | | / | / | activities which cannot be | |__) |__) | mentioned here. Some say the mole | | is a pest that should be | Many undesirable users | irradicated, as they can | are possibly related | completely undermine a board and | to the SKUNK, for people| cause it to collapse and shut | tend to avoid, at all | down, but they do have a good | costs, being in their | point: they devour parasites | presence. The nerd call | that could otherwise make a BBS | is an easy one for the | die a slow, diseased death. | young zoologist to learn | | and spot: "Hey, wot | +----<----+ computa U got man!??!?" | DESIRABLE USERS: | | | #### | It is difficult to | _ ###### | say which animal is most| ______/o\ ######## | like a desirable BBS user. / _= /##### --+ Take the females for example, \_|__|_/\_/######## [and who wouldn't like to take |_ |_ ###### the females?] at different times #### they have been told/described/asked: "You, my dear, are an The Scarab or DUNG BEETLE utter BITCH!" has the odd habit of "Oh, she's an old COW." turning a ball of dung "Why won't you come to bed over and over to lay their with me, my little TADPOLE?" eggs in. These creatures ... and so on. It is interesting are very similar to losers to note how the males of the in the BBS world, because Desirable BBS User species vastly THEY certainly manage to outnumber the females. This leads spin a lot of............. to much rivalry between the males whenever a new female appears. (eg Julie Alderman). Observations suggest that when a new female appears the males all fight to win her over. What they do is they all send as many sexually-orientated message as they can. The female shows she has accepted a certain mate by telling him in a public message to stop it. This way everyone knows she made her decision, and everyone knows who it is. In the Julie Alderman case, she appears to have chosen Fearless Fred as her partner. The distinctions between the male and the female of the species are difficult to spot at a distance. On numerous occasions the males have made passes at a feminine-sounding user, only to find to their great embarassment "she's" really a guy. FURTHER EVOLUTION: There is one other species which is even more advanced than the desirable user in terms of evolution. This is the SYSOP. ANATOMICAL DATA: SYSOP Head: Right Side. /--a-\ a. Brain. Much more / @@@ b\ developed than that ILLUSTRATIONS |@@@@@=0c of the normal user. FROM AN EARLY |@@/ _> b. Optic nerve. 20th CENTURY BOOK \ X| |\_ c. Eye. ON NATURAL HISTORY. \X|d| / d. Throat. eX| || e. Spinal cord. |X| || _____ / a a \ d@ 0 0 @d Head: Frontal View. Hair shaven off for | g | | | ____ ####### | | ???????? logging | | | / __ \ ####### | | off (any BBS). | | \ / \ ####### | | | | | |o | ###### | | Your stats for | | | \__/ ##### | | today: | | / ___/ #### | | | | /__ | | | Uploads: 0 Kb | | \, __ _ | | | Downloads: 9334Kb| | /\ =======\ / | | Stop sponging! | | / \ \__ / | | | | | | / \_ _ | +------------------+ | ____| |__ \ _ / \ | AMIGA 1000 | ____|# |___\_ \ +----------++----------+/____###_______| / ______ \ | +--+ || +--+ || ___)# ||_ _| | / \ \ | ==|__|== || ==|__|== || ___) | |__| | | | \ | o +--+ || o +--+ |\____) |---------| | | \ +----------++----------+ |FP| | | | | |\ ============= ____| ###########_ | | / | | \____________ _/ _ \_ / \_ \ | | |\|__________ _/ ( ) \_ | ___ \ | | | | | / ( O ) \_ `_| |_/ \_/ | | | | / (_) \_ | | \ / | | | +----- / \_ ( ) \ / | | | | / \___,__/ \ _/ | | | | / _ __ _ \ \____/ | | | | / ( ) / | ( ) \ | | | | / ( O ) | \ ( O ) \ | | | | | (_) / | (_) \ | | _____/ \__ | \ \ | / \__/ | \ / | | \ \ / \____________/ |____________|_______________/ We wont say exactly who this is, but if you can't guess you're a bigger fucking loser (sorry LAMER) then he is. --------------------------------------------------------------------- ======================== E V I L A N G E L S ======================== At present the Evil Angels team consists of the following: Founder: The Masked Avenger Editor: Fearless Fred (Lightening Bolt) Authors: Fearless Fred Ford Prefect Artist: Ford Prefect Programmer: Vagabond (BSF Boys) Other Members: Thelonius Monk The Lensman Lounge Lizzard Death Man Nixx SYN ... (We're a little bit sexist!) Disk Destroyer (Sort of.) Ivan Trotsky Sprite (Pending) Favourite people: Taxi Cab Blue Fox (To hassle.) Captain Chaos Simply Sparks Fire Fox Vagabond Raster Blaster SYN ... Disk Destroyer Ice Man (and Robbie) Royna Masked Avenger Julie Alderman You too can help rid the world of nerds. By purchasing any of the following quality official Evil Angels Products. "I Hate the Masked Avenger" Badges $ 3.00 Evil Angels Badges $ 3.00 Evil Angels Windcheaters... $25.00 Bi Bi P.I. Video $25.00 All sizes, all colours, design is: _______ _______ / \______/ \ / \ /| /___/| Evil Angels |\___\ / |-------- NOW | ______ | \ |-------- AVAILABLE! | / E.A. \ | \| | | Logo | | | \______/ | | Ridding the | | world of nerds!| |________________| Printed versions of Anarchistic Tendencies Parts 1-9: $18-00 Remember... donations to Evil Angels are NOT tax deductible, but will help rid the world of nerds! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Anarchistic Tendencies IX (C) January 1989 YOU HAVE NO GODDAMNMUTHAFUKING RIGHTS! ************************************** * NO PART OF THIS FILE MAY BE * * PUBLISHED IN MASS MEDIA WITHOUT * * THE AUTHORS' WRITTEN PERMISSION * * AND HALF OF THE AUTHORS CAN'T * * WRITE. THE OTHER HALF ARE * * USUALLY DRUNK! * * * * That's a god-dammed warning! * * * ************************************** :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: YOURMOTHERSUCKSCOCKSINHELL :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: --------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: The authors have gone to a hell of a lot of trouble to ensure that this file contains no offensive material. However, should you find anything which you object to, STIFF SHIT! You can't sue us! This file is written with the intent of producing a humorous file which will be enjoyed by everyone, and no offense is intended towards any person(s) or creatures however much they are mentioned, abused or complimented. And if there are any Animal Liberation Activists reading this, HA! Go liberate the little bastards and let us get on with the job of shooting the fury little buggers. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Donations and payments can be sent: C/o Craig Bowen, P.O. Box 125, Balwyn, 3103. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Evil Angels will return with Anarchistic Tendencies 10 ------------------------------------------------------ The Defence Case of a Dipsomaniac. (Fearless Fred's Trial.)