Subject: Real Programmers Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk. Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or object deck. Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look how much good it did them. Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat twinkles and szechuan food. Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do system programming. Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line. Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12. Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks and crystallography weenies. Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parenthesis than actual code. Real programmers don't write in PASCAL or BLISS or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. Real programmers don't write in "C". There has to be something wrong with a language who's next generation gets a low grade then its prior. Real programmers write in the machine's native binary code, ASM macros are those who can't divide HEX numbers in their head. Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get. Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping. Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am, it's because they were up all night. Real programmers scorn floating-point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed wetters who are unable to think big. Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into working in `only a few' 30-hour debugging sessions. .....Cheers, Programmer Defined: Programmer n. 1. One who claims or appears to be engaged in the perpetration of programs. 2. The systems analyst's diplomatic attache at the alien court of the CPU. 3. One engaged in a practical, nonsystematic study of the halting problem. 4. "A harmless druge."-Lord Bowden, 1953. That ought to clear things up.....