/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ \ Spotting and Killing Nerds / / \ \ by: John Smith / / - & - \ \ Sorcerer's Apprentice / / \ \ 09/30/85 / / \ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ Lesson I: Spotting a Nerd /*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/ Nerds hang around war boards trying to act cool by putting down war boards and saying they are a waste of time. (They'd rather spend their time doing their Advanced Calculus III homework.) They may also take a different approach and act tough (that is until someone threatens to beat their ass, then they mysteriously disappear.) Nerds don't hack or phreak because they're afraid they'd get caught and their mommies would spank them. On Suggestion boards, they always suggest a homework board or an intellectual debate board so they can discuss such important topics as: How to Keep Away from Bullies, and How to Fight Inflation. Nerds normally use stupid handles like Electronic Whiz, The Cricket, The Brain, Capt. Hook, Mickey Mouse, and Albert Einstein. They may also use names that have nothing to do with their activities or personality such as The Stud, or The Hack-Man. They carry around brief cases with important documents on how to solve the latest Calculus problems. Nerds normally come from poor families who can only afford a Timex Sinclair but they modify it to make it as powerful as a mainframe. Nerds have names like Kevin Smith, Eugene, Waldo, Marvin, Wilbur, Gilbert Poindexter, Myron, Melvin, Norbert, and Homer. In every nerd's room is a picture of all their teachers, famous composers like Beethoven, and Albert Einstein (who is their idol). They also have pictures of the latest computers. Sometimes a nerd will put up a BBS. These are not too hard to spot. 1-The name of the board is The School House, The Classroom, The Computer Room, or The Kid Klub. 2-There are 5 sub-boards dedicated to homework (Calculus, Language Arts, Physics, Biology, and Trigonometry) 3-The text philes are on Excelling in Math or Language Arts made easy. There are also philes on how to gain the most out of listening to to Beethoven and on the correct procedure for taping glasses. 4-The board is run on homemade software with one disk drive. 5-The sysop is ALWAYS around to chat because he has no friends. 6-All of the games are public domain. 7-The board may sometimes be busy a lot when there is no one on it. This is because the nerd can't stand to not use his computer for more than 2 hours. Some more nerdish features: They wear horn-rimmed Coke bottle glasses with lots of white hospital tapes holding them together. They are afraid of girls and think they have cooties. They buy a stereo so they can listen to Beethoven and Bach. Nerds think that Def Leppard is an animal that can't hear and wonder why Ratt is spelled wrong. They cried when they saw Revenge of the Nerds, but are going to try out for the sequel. Lesson II: Destroying a Nerd \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* After you have spotted a Nerd, you will probably want to exterminate him (or her) so that society may live better with one less nerd. A nerd will usually hangout in the library or the computer room at your school. Once spotted move toward the nerd very slowly and with a quick movement remove his glasses. You now have the nerd by the balls (so to speak.) First, torture him by stomping on his glasses. Then tell him he got a 'B' on his report card. Break all his pencils and squirt the ink from his pens into his face. (A typical nerds carries at least a dozen pencils and eight pens.) Now take him to his school and throw eggs at it and throw a few small hand grenades through the windows (you should now notice him begging you to stop, but you're not through yet...) Drag him to his house and destroy his computer, put his disks in the toilet and piss on them. Then take all his Beethoven records and smash them with his violin. By now, the nerd will be in a gigantic fit of crying and screaming. If the nerd has not yet had a heart attack, it means you have a strong nerd so you must give him the old Chinese torture ............................... ...................................... ...................................... ...................................... ...................................... Tell him that ALBERT EINSTEIN WAS A MYTH! Afterword By Sorcerer's Apprentice =*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=* I'm sure we've all grown to hate nerds and we all will appreciate having them killed with the help of this file. 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