================================================================= _Wet_Dream_ It was April the 41st. Being a quadruple leap year, I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. So, I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my personal life out of it, okay pal?" While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner (he used to play for the Dolphins). I said, "Hi Gill!" (you have to yell, he's hard of herring). chorus: Think I had a wet dream Cruising through the Gulf Stream Oooooh oooooh-ooooh oooooh Wet dream Gil was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual -- rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped him the fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even slipped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids, for the halibut. Well, the place was crowded -- we were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal -- what sole! Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon 'Chanted Evening". And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute little yellow-tail and she's givin' me the eye, so I figure this is my chance for a little fun. You know, a little pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom; she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy could she drink! She drank like a -- she drank a lot. I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarian." I said, "Great! Let's get tanked!" I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, "Come on baby. It'll only take a few minnows." She threw me that same old line: "Not tonight. I got a haddock." And she wasn't kidding, either, 'cause in came the biggest, meanest-looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said, "Listen, shrimp. Don't you come trolling around here." What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, "A-balone. You're just being shellfish." Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill 'cause he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said, "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon." Well, the yellow-tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?" I said, "Marlin." Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her out to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went home with her. And what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams. ====================================================================== This is a true story told by a friend of mine. It happened to a girl she knew. There was this girl driving along the highway, when she suddely had to visit the restroom. Unfortunately there is none along the highway, and she was a long way from home. Well, after a while she just had to stop, and when she saw this big trashbin she desided to stop and do it behind it. Aaaaah, what a relief. While she sat there she raised her head and saw samething on top of the trashbin, it looked like a microwave-oven. "Why would someone throw away a micowave-oven? My husband is good at fixing such things, so I'll take it with me". Some miles later she raealized a policecar behind, and pulled to the side thinking: "What is this, I haven't gone too fast". The policeman comes over to her and takes a look into her car. "What is this you have in the backseat?" "Oh it's a microwave-oven I found in a trashbin along the road." She told the policeman the story about the oven and that her husband should fix it. "Well mrs. it is no microwave-oven you have in the backseat of your car - it is a *radar*" P.S. I have seen some radars, but no one looks even close to a microwave-oven, - maybe it is a new brand :) Three marines, a white man, a black man, and a jewish man, were sitting in a foxhole (during a war) when BLAMMO!!!!! They are all wasted by enemy fire. Like all good Marines, they go straight to hell. The devil greets them, and says, "Look, I'm in a sporting mood today. Tell you what-- for a hundred bucks each, I'll let you go back and live again." "A hundred bucks??!!!?? Is that all???" says the white guy, who whips out the cash and gives it to the devil. POOOOF! He is back in the foxhole. A medic comes running over. "I saw the whole thing," he says. "I thought you were dead. What happened???" The white guy tells the story of being in hell, and how he got out for a hundred dollars. "But where are the other two guys?" asks the medic. Says the white-- "Well, the last I heard, the Jew had it down to $49.50 and the black was still looking for a co-signer." One day, while walking down a street, a marine general saw a boy shoveling sh*t into a pile. The general asked the boy, "Son, why are you shoveling that Sh*t into a pile?" The boy responded, "I'm making me an Admiral!" The general thought this was about the funniest thing he had ever seen so he went back to the office and told his friend, an admiral, about what he had it. The admiral wanted to see this for himself, so the general took the admiral out to where the boy was. The admiral asked, "Son, what are you building?" The boy responded, "I'm building me an admiral." Stunned, the admiral asked, "Why are you building an admiral?" "Cause I ain't got enough sh*t to build me a marine!" said the boy. :) I had a somewhat similar experience, however I had a vasectomy and had to go back 2 months later so they could confirm that the operation was a sccess. Well, the nurse gave me a glass jar with a lid on it, then proceded to show me to the door and ask me if I would also like to take one of their handy- dandy magazines in with me. I told her that I have no need for a magazine and proceded into the restroom. Well......I guess it was about a half hour later when the nurse came knocking on the door and asked "Sir, are you having some kinda problem in there?" I answered "Well kinda, Ya see I shook it up and down, I beat it against the sink, I slammed it against the wall, I wore out my right hand, I sprained my left hand, and y'know I'm just about to give up on tryin' to get this dad-burned jar open". A few days ago it was reported that David Letterman was no longer going to have the "top ten" list on every show....which begs the question - what are the top ten reasons the "top ten" list will not be on every David Letterman show? Number - 10. Needs air time to introduce his new line of hair-care products. 9. He lost the only writer who could count from 10 to 1. 8. G.E. cancelled his login to NETNEWS - rec.humor. 7. Needs a funnier segment to compete with C-SPAN. 6. NBC's laugh machine has been overheating. 5. Paul's drummer gets paid way too much extra for this segment. 4. Dave has more important things to do - like smile at the camera - real close. 3. What next!!!? - no more dumb animal tricks? 2. Nothing IS sacred to a dork. and.... the number one reason why David Letterman is not doing the "top ten" list on a regular basis is - 1. He wants to be more like Jay Leno. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Why are there no blacks in the cartoon the "Flinstones"? Because they were still monkeys at that time. Cannibal #1: Shall I boil the new missionary, Chief? Cannibal #2: No, he's a friar. Unravelling of the mysteries of the Northern lights! Aurora Borealis revealed! After reading too much about flat-panel plasma displays, I received a divine revelation telling me the purpose of the shimmering curtains of light in the Northern skies: It's a planetary terminal (but, luckily, not the console). With the knowledge of the revelation I was able to reinterpret the patterns, and saw this: $ Out of space - device(china) Out of space - device(china) Out of space - device(china) su - Password: #shutdown -y -g1y Not on console #reboot Not on console #df /dev/asia (/dev/asia ): 89 blocks: 0 i-nodes #rm -r /usr/acct/ussr #df /dev/asia (/dev/asia ): 257349 blocks: 8437 i-nodes #^d $ A guy wakes up one morning, stretches turns to his wife and says "Wow I slept well, I feel great!" His wife looks at him and says, "Well I wouldnt go to work if I were you, you look terrible!, are you sure you feel ok?" He replies "Yeah I feel fine" then he hops out of bed and goes to work. While at work, he's whistling, singing and generally enjoying a wonderful day, and all the time his friends are coming up and asking if he feels alright cos he looks awful. Eventually his boss comes in sees him and says, "Hey, you look terrible, take the rest of the day off", He starts to argue,saying he feels great but the boss orders him out. Well, the guy thinks, maybe there is something to all this, I'd better go to the doctor just in case. At the doctors, he sits down and tells the MD "Look Doc, all day Ive been feeling great but everyone says I look awful, whats up?" The Doc gets down his big book of medicine and starts to flick through it : "Hmm, looks awful, feels awful, no thats not it...." (flip) "Looks great, feels great, nooo....." (flip) "Looks great, feels awful, nope......" (flip) "AH here we are, 'looks awful, feels great' : you're a cunt" My favorite is "If she were two inches taller she'd be round" There is this pack of Huskies(UW) walking down the street being led by their head coach. As they approach an ally, a solitary Cougar(WSU) jumps out and starts taunting the Huskies saying, "Ha you Huskies are sooo dumb and weak that I could take you all on single handed....you all are just a pack of dogs...hahaha", and he jumps back in. Well, not to let his team stand for such insults, the coach says, "Ok, half of you go into that ally and get that Cougar!" So half of the team, about 50 men, run into the ally. From the ally comes the sound of a horrific fight and then silence which is soon broken by the Cougar jumping back out and taunting the Huskies once again, "HA HA HA, you are all so dumb....even I can't believe it...come and get me if you dare", after which he jumps back in. Of course the rest of the Husky team starts running for the ally to get the Cougar, but before they get there, one battered Husky crawls out of the ally saying, "No Wait!, it's a trap, there are TWO of them!" ------------ Once, a traveling salesman was driving along an old country dirt road, miles from civilization. Things would have been fine, but needed to take a shit, real bad. So, at the next farm house he found, he stopped and asked the farmer if he could use his restroom. "Sure thing," said the farmer, pointing to an old, dilapidated outhouse. Well, the salesman was obviously in something of a hurry, so he didn't argue with the man. He dropped his drawers, and (avoiding splinters), took his seat. Well, before and during such a grand movement, he was too busy to take note that there was nothing with which to clean up with afterward. When he DID notice, it was too late. "Sir," he called to the farmer, still doing chores on the outside, "there doesn't seem to be any toilet paper in here. How am I supposed to clean up?" "Well, do you see that open slot in the wall?" "Yeah, I do," said the salesman, looking at what at first appeared to be a large, horizontal space between the boards in the side of the outhouse. "Well, here's what you do: use your hand to clean off, and when you're finished, stick your hand in the slot, and it'll be cleaned right off." The saleman was skeptical, and also a bit squeamish, but he had no choice. He cleaned himself off as best he could, and stuck his hand through the slot, into the daylight. Now, just on the other side of the wall, outside the hole, there was a monkey, holding two bricks. When the man's hand appeared through the slot, the monkey smashed those bricks together as hard as he could, sandwiching the man's hand. Back in the john, the man cries out in pain as his hand gets smashed, pulls it back in, and sticks the hand in his mouth. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q> How many blondes does it take to play tag? A> One. (think about it) "Practice safe government -- use a kingdom." An American, a German, and a Polishman are on a safari deep in the woods of Africa. The tour guide, a native African, stopped suddenly, and looked at the gentlemen. He said, "I will not go further in this jungle. Just ahead are rare cannibals. I will not risk my life." The three gentlemen look at each other, and decide to check it out. The tour guide split, and the guys started walking. It wasn't long before they were captured by the cannibals. The cannibals tied them up and hung them upside down from a tree. The chief came up to them and said, "We are cannibals. We will eat your insides, use your bones for tools, and use your skin to cover our canoes.". The chief turned to the American and said, "Do you have a last request?". The American replied, "Bring me a knife.". The chief brings him a knife and hands it to the American. The American opens the knife and says, "I will die with pride!", and slits his throat. The chief asked the same thing to the German. The German said, "Bring me a knife also.". The chief brings hime the knife, and the German said, "I won't let YO kill me!", and he stabs himself in the heart. The chief turned to the Polishman, and said, "What is your request?". The Polishman says, "Bring me a fork.". The chief was puzzled, but he brought him a fork. The Polishman started stabbing himself all over his body, screaming, "You're not going to make a canoe out of me!! There once was a man from Hitachi Whose ass was becoming all blotchy With his face full of dread He finally said It must've been the night with Liberace. Is is true that Magic Johnson claims that his HIV infection has nothing to do with his ability to come from behind? NEWS FLASH - The Centers for Disease Control have discovered a new process by which AIDS can be transmitted: Magic. Magic Johnson - Born in Detroit, reared in LA. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Imagine for a moment if the computer revolution had occoured a decade or so sooner. With all the power and chaos of the 60's, it's not to hard to go further and pretend that Computer Nerds Could Have Controlled Network Programming. by Robert S. Coats Gilligan's Island: The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort, he manages to establish a connection via his papaya-based VT 100 terminal and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from exhaustion. Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The Skipper beans him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about playing Leisure Suit Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidently dropped by a passing JAL jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points. Ginger calls CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an effort to convince them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0. Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters to each other. Beverly Hillbillies Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in the bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated, Miss Jane pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the LAN," but Jed thinks she said "put in the ham." Jed then gets Granny to cook up a dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to the bank. When they arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the hams, but is frustrated when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay attached to the ham bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has brought along her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing the the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund transfer of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr. Drysdale is seen chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee-doggie! Why look at that Granny. Mr. Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her own ham!" The Brady Bunch Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer and, through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able to access individual student's "permanent records." He scans through the listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again. However, Jan is working in the school office at the time and is alerted to the invasion by a diligent anti-virual TSR. She is then tormented with having to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes home and talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady has recently installed on his '386 laptop. Jan tries to use the program, but instead accidently deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day. Mrs. Brady finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of the family eats angle food cake on the patio. The Mary Tyler Moore Show Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Mac portable and jumps on a plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched on and, due to an undiscovered bug in the latest release of System and Finder, the hard disk continually optimizes itself when no keyboard input is recorded for more than five minutes. Needless to say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and spends the next few hours trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted begins his broadcast and notes that "We expected to have some good information about Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to take a Mac and not a reliable laptop PC!" Frantic, Mary calls long distance over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who doesn't answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the headphones on. However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and answers. She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary is last seen violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window while crossing the Bay Bridge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any class of people, I thought I'd put together some examples of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere. WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink coffee for religious reasons. RIGHT: Why can't pigmentially-challenged individuals take a short rest between job tasks? Because the Mail Police are reading this joke. WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant? This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists, vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons. RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever? Ask the Mail Police for full instructions. WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo? This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourgages automobile use. RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle? Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed on Tandem Mail. WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive? This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism, elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own. Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs they do. RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do you rescue all of them before it collapses? First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially. WRONG: How do you make love to an woman? There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding behind the designator does not absolve the joke-sender of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any event, the sobriquet implies that non-ethnics are in some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values. The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways. First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second, it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since it has a heterosexualist bias. RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction? Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else. WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a dyslexic agnostic? Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted. This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members of certain religious groups may also find these random matings offensive to their belief systems. RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel comfortable working together at Tandem. I'll have the Mail Police explain that to you right away. WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage. RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini. WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island. Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about the competition. Simply describing their products is all the humor that's necessary. RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to see if it crashes, which it probably will. WRONG: Which doesn't belong, meat, wife, or blowjob? Haven't you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and offensive to women and vegetarians. RIGHT: Which doesn't belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police? WRONG: A man's penis size doesn't matter, unless you're having sex with him. That doesn't mean you can make fun of men, just because they're the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage of anti-female ones, and then we're back to Lawsuit City. RIGHT: A Tandemite's paycheck size doesn't matter, unless they're arguing with the Mail Police. WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb? Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over improper use of their product. RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce "First Friday?" Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isn't a violation of something. WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer? Can't you do anything right? It's "What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee-Wee Herman?" and the answer is "Stop playing with my food." -------------------------------------------------------------------- A while ago, I posted a collection of quotes I plastered my door with. I've also got these: Here we sit, 'mongst yonder junk. Our room smells like a skunk. Eyes will water, and noses burn-- It's enough to make your stomach churn. This room will give you quite a scare; To all who enter here beware: You'll lose all hope of breathing air! Since the mess in this room has known antidote, You're better off just leaving a note. Here we sit, we're cursed liars: No mess, no junk, no toxic fires. Alas, dear lass: would dass to ask? How to repent: prevent this indenting precedent for demented impediments with pennace? For here we sit, 'mongst yonder space, Void of clutter, butter, and mace. There is no trace; we've room to pace! So now the old is obsolete. Bear it well, and be discrete. Here I sit, beyonder you, Wonder what I want to do. Flee the bees, ski the seas, Knee the peas, or speak Chinese-- All these would please my Pekinese. But what I really want is poetry, And then you really have to know a tree. Like the maple or the birch or the elm or the oak, And don't forget the giant artichoke. But alas, dear lass, I have to pass, For I know no trees and blow no breeze, Believe me reader! I do not tease, Deceive the dead, or weave the web, Perceive the bed, or leave the sled! So what I'll do no soul could guess-- I'm going to make my room a mess. A kindly old priest, while taking his afternoon walk, sees a little boy sitting beside a basket in the back yard of a house in the neighborhood. The priest takes a closer look and notices that the basket contains a mother cat and five tiny kittens, obviously just a few days old. "Well, now," the priest says to the child, "and what kind of kittens might those be?" "They're Catholic kittens, Father!" says the little boy. The priest, chuckling, pats the kid on the head and walks on. Three weeks later, the priest is taking his walk and sees the same little boy playing in the yard. The kittens are there, too, now much larger and scampering around. The priest smiles and says "Well, my little friend, what kind of kittens did you say those were?" "They're agnostic kittens, Father." the little boy answers. Taken aback, the priest asks "Now, what would make you say a thing like that?" "Well," the boy says, "they have their eyes open now!" Why is everyone in Alaska grinding the sights off of their handguns? So when the Grizzly Bear gets ahold of the gun, it doesn't hurt as much when he shoves it up uour ass!!!! Q. Why does Ted Kennedy cry during sex? A. Mace. What do you call a turtle with a hard-on? A slow poke. What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement? An IN-body experience! Q: Why is the Disease Control Center changing the name of the AIDS virus ? a: Because all the minorities keep signing up for it ! ========================================================================= (Excerpts quoted from Sept 1991 issue of MacUser) Q: ... Periodically the screen shakes. Can this harm the hardware? ... Andy: ... And don't forget that, according to Apple's standard warranty card, if technicians tell you, "Oh, they all do that," you're allowed to poke them right in the eye. ... Bob: Excellent advice. I disagree only on one point: I don't recommend going around poking technicians in the eye. A better technique is to loudly proclaim, "To h*** with this! I can buy an IBM clone and Windows 3 for one-tenth the cost of a similarly equipped Mac!" I guarantee your Mac will be fixed on the spot. Q: ... I get a message saying, "The Application has unexpectly quit (1)." ... Bob: ... Of course, with Systems 6.0.7 and 7, Apple has replaced the meaningless error-ID numbers (1, 2, 12, 25, and so on) with meaningless phrases such as "Co-processor not installed," "Bus error," and the ever-popular "Address error." Not only are these phrases meaningful only to people who understand the internal architecture ... but they also often have nothing to do with the cause of the problem. ========================================================================== ObJoke: This guy goes to Texas on vacation. (No, that's not the punchline.) When he's ready to leave the airport, he hails a cab, but a stretch limo pulls up. So he tells the driver he only wanted a cab. "This is a cab, sir. Everything's bigger in Texas." Not bad, the guy thinks. So he gets to his hotel, and when he's shown to his room, it's a four-room suite with jacuzzi and waterbed. The man protests that he only wanted a single room. "This is a single room, sir. Everything's bigger in Texas." Better and better. After a nap, the guy goes down to the hotel bar to have a beer before dinner. The bartender brings him a two-quart pitcher, and the guy points out he only wanted one beer. "This is your beer, sir. Everything's bigger in Texas." After this beer, the guy is feeling a little tipsy, and he can't find his way to the restaurant. He ends up falling in the hotel pool instead. So he yells, "Don't flush!" Q: Why don't witches have babies? A: Because goblins have hollow weenies. If Tarzan and Jane were black, what would Cheeta be?? The smartest of the three. Why weren't there any black dudes on the Flintstones?? Because they were still apes back then. What do you say to Mike Tyson when he is all tied up? Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever. Bumper Sticker: David Duke is A-OKKK with me! I heard that you were feeling ill, Headaches, Fever, and a chill, I came to help restore your pluck, Cause I'm the nurse who likes to ...... I just heard David Duke was thinking of running for President next year in 1992 and I thought of a great campaign slogan: DAVID DUKE IN 92!!!...feet of water that is... Chi-O Chi-O is off to bed we go. I paid my buck I want my fuck Chi-O Chi-o There once was a man from Eeling Who pounded his pud with great feeling Then like a trout He'd stick his mouth out And wait for the drops from the ceiling! The once was a woman from Decater Who was laid by a big alligator Now nobody knew What became of those two Cuz after he laid her he ate her Little Bo Peep fucked a sheep Blew a horse, licked his feet She ate his ass so very nice Tongued his balls not once but twice... IBM stands for: Intercourse Beats Masturbation Inefficient But Marketable Imperialism By Marketing Idiots Become Managers Insolence Breeds Mediocrity Incredibly Brilliant Marketing Incredibly Big Monopoly I Became Macintosh The latest put-down in Iran: May you win a Salmon Rushdie look-alike contest. Also, one from Paris, I believe: May you lose all your teeth except one, and get a toothache. what is the object of Jewish football? Answer: to get the quarter back. The famous producer calls the director: -"We're going to make a movie about the life of Charles Aznavour. We've already got a great actor for the leading part - Belmondo." -"Belmondo ?", the director says surprised, "But don't you think it would be more natural and easier if we had Aznavour himself for that part ?" -"Oh, no!...He's too short." -"Honey! Hug me, please, just like Robert Redford in that movie yesterday." -"Like Robert Redford, you say ? Well, well, like Robert Redford....Do you know how much he gets for a hug like that ?" Apropos recent events, in case you're wondering what will become of all the unemployed KGB men in the event of a change of regime in the USSR, I was talking to a German friend recently and asked him what had become of all the former Stasi secret policement of East Germany. "Oh they're all taxi drivers now", he said, "it was the obvious solution". "Why is that?", I asked. "Simple", he said, "you just give them your name -- and they know where you live." Q. How many University Football Team players takes to screw a light bulb? A. Just one. But he takes 3 credits for it ! i guess irvin didn't really have a magic "johnson"? Why are Mexican low-rider steering wheels only about 6 inches in diameter ?? So they can drive with their handcuffs on ! Q: Why do blondes tattoo their zipcode under their belly button? A: So they can get the male into the right box. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of a tree. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A: Blow in her ear. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Give her M&M's and tell her to put them in alpabetical order. Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. ===================================================================== MOTHER'S DICTIONARY: AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too. DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children ply outside. DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins. DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own. PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what your do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out. WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house. WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge." ===================================================================== Two Polacks are drving along in their truck when the y see a pig by the side of the road. Well, this is pretty unusual, so they stop for a look. They're sitting there when a highway patrolman rolls up in his car. the patrolman thinks this is odd, so stops. He looks at the two poles and says "Does this pig belong to you two?" "No officer, we were just driving along and saw the pig here. We stopped and were trying to figure out what to do with it." The officer looks at them for a moment and then says " Well, since ya'll have a truck there, why don't you put the pig in the truck and take it to the Dallas Zoo?' Well, the polacks figure that's a pretty good idea, and start to load the pig up. The officer drives off, figuring things are well in hand. A few days later, the officer is out patrolling and he sees a truck going the opposite direction with the two poles in the front, with the pig between them with a baseball cap on its head. The officer wheels the car around and pulls the truck over. He goes to the cab and the polack rolls down the window. "Boys," he says" I thought I told you two to take that pig to the zoo." "Well, officer, we did take him to the zoo. As a matter of fact, he liked it so much, we figured we'd take him to the Rangers game today!" OBJ: A Polish airplane was landing at an airport. The pilots had never been here before. The captain said to the copilot "That runway looks very short... I'm going to have to go in at a steeper angle." A few minutes later, the copilot observes that the runway was even shorter than they thought, and advises an even steeper descent. When they finally land, the copilot turns to the captain and says "that was incredible. I've never seen a runway so short." The captain replies, "Yes, but look how *wide* it is!!" Q: How do you have sex with a fat woman? (oops, I mean gravitationally challenged) A: You slap her on the thigh and ride the first wave in. Q: How do you have sex with a fat woman? A: Roll her in flour, and look for the damp spot! ============================================================================ SEX.EROTIC.FORMULAS =================== SpermSpill ___ ___ ___ 1) Penis(hangtime) = \ 1/2 | Penis Length(erect) | / n | -------------------- | + Volume(ballsac) --- | Duration(spermshoot) | n = 1 --- --- 1/tightness(vagina) __ __ 2) Pain(penetration) = | Cock(length, diameter) + Cunt(length, diameter) | | ----------------------------------------------- | | % lubrication * Speed(pumping)/Grip | -- -- 3) GStringEffectiveness(male) = sac / __ __ ( | Time(viewing) | ) | ---------------------------- | + / | Distance(boner sticking out) | 1 -- -- / \ lim ( Volume(ballsac) * (length(boner) - length(limp)) ) Volume -> oo \ / -- -- | ButtShakeFactor + BendingFactor | 4) GStringEffectiveness(female) = | ------------------------------------- | | d/dx (length(legs)) + TanningConstant | -- -- / Area(buttshowing) # of men present \ * ( ----------------- + ------------------------ ) \ GStringLength Distance(butt from eyes) / 1/2 __ __ 5) SacSqueeze = ((Area(ballsac) * Area(hand)) + d | Penis Length(flaccid) | -- | --------------------- | dx | Penis Length(erect) | -- -- -- -- 6) lim | x | x -> SacSqueeze | ------------- | | Pain(ballsac) | -- -- __ * -- 7) VibratorEffectiveness = length(fake cock) | # batteries + Power requirement | ----------------- * | ----------------------------------- | depth(insertion) | VibratorSpeed * velocity(insertion) | -- -- 3 4 * Use 1x10 if AC is needed or 1x10 if diesel power is needed __ __ | BeansConsumed + Cellulose(buttcheeks) | 8) FartIntensity = Diameter(anus) * | ------------------------------------- | | Length(ass crack)/Ripples(analstar) | -- -- / +oo \ / / \ 9) LickTime = Area(tongue) * ( ( % pubic hair(male) ) + Cunt(depth) \ ) -------------------- / ------------ \ / 1 % pubic hair(female) / Penis Length __ __ 10) HardonRate = lim | Time(SacSqueeze) * Time(stroking) | d x -> SemenSpill | --------------- | + -- MasturbationTime | Penis(LickTime) | dx -- -- __ __ | / bust size | 11) NippleHeight = lim | Volume(uniboob) ( | x -> bra cup | --------------- * ) nipplelicks + Amount(nipplehair) | | radius(nipple) / -------------------------------- | | 1 d/dx PussyStimulationFactor | -- -- / Experience(female) \ 12) OrgasmIntensity = ( Diameter(PenisBase) + ------------------ ) * \ Experience(male) / / lim CockCurvature \ __ __ / x -> Cunt(depth) ------------- \ | InsertionDepth(finger in anus) | ( x ) * Rate(humping)| ------------------------------ | \ ------------------------------- / | # ribs on condom | \ # SexToys * VibratorSpeed / -- -- __ __ | Time(nipple rub) * Time(pussy stroke) | 13) CreamFlowRate = Area(breast) * | ------------------------------------- | | d / Penis Length(flaccid) \ | | -- ( --------------------- ) | | dx \ Penis Length(erect) / | -- -- Time(humping) * + -------------- * Place(load dropped) # Penis Tweeks * load dropped values ===================== in pussy: 1 in mouth: 8 on pussy: 2 on face: 100 on stomach: 3 on self: -100 in ass: -5 on furniture: 0 on ass: 1 Note: ===== The previous formula is given for one breast and one nipple only. To obtain the true value of CreamFlowRate, multiply the value calculated for one breast and one nipple by: 1/2 2 The load dropped values remain the same. -===================================================================== A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are flying in a plane. The pilot explains to her passengers that the plane is too heavy and in order to avoid an ugly crash, some weight needs to be removed from the plane. After removing all the unnecessary items (baggage,etc.), the pilot reports that the plane is still too heavy and yet more weight needs to be removed. She then asks if any of the passengers would be brave enough to give up their own lives to save the others. The Frenchman stands, raises his glass,says "Viva la France!" and jumps out of the plane. This not being enough, the Englishman stands up, raises his glass, says"Long live the Queen!" and jumps out of the plane. Still this is not enough weight removed so the Texan stands up, raises his glass, says "Remember the Alamo?" and throws the Mexican out of the plane. In the early days of baseball, there was a famous pitcher named Mel, Mel Faimy, who played for the Milwaukee Brewers. He was the best pitcher in the league and led his team to the world series with a .01 ERA, 4 no hitters and 2 perfect games. Well as expected the Brewers went to the World Series. They were playing against the Brooklyn Dodgers. The first game Mel pitched a no hitter and the Brewers won 2-0. The second game the Dodgers pulled out a squeaker, winning in the bottom of the 9th on a solo home run. Again in the 3rd game the Dodgers won. Mel pitched the 4th game so of course the Brewers won. They won the next game, the Dodgers won the 6th. So the Series was all tied up at three games apiece. The ace pitcher for the Dodgers was pitching against Mel. It was tight game, the Brewers were leading by one point. Mel was so confident of himself he started to celebrate early. During the 7th inning stretch he popped open a beer and started drinking. Between the next innings he had a few more beers. As you might have guessed this had a negative impact on his pitching. The next batter dribbled a single down the third base line. Mel walked the next batter and the next. With bases loaded, (Mel was too), Mel proceeded to walk in a run! The coach came out and talked to Mel asking if he was alright. Some how Mel convinced the coach he was fine. The next batter came up to bat. Mel took a deep breath and fired his patented fast ball. The batter swung and popped a ball foul. The next pitch was a ball. Mel wound up and threw a big arching curve, just barely missing the plate. With the count 2-1, Mel stepped off the mound for a brief rest. He was alittle blurry eyed by now and needed to catch his breath. He walked back to the rubber and got ready to throw the next pitch. A scorching slider just missed low. With the score tied, bases loaded, and the count 3-1, every one in the stands held their collective breath for the next pitch. Mel came in with his never fail change up. The batter swung on the pitch, but he was way out in front of it. The count was full, the bases loaded, bottom of the 9th, and the score tied. The scene was set for the making or breaking of heros. Our hero, Mel was getting ready to throw the final pitch when all of a sudden the beers he drank finally hit him. The last pitch was his fast ball. It left his hand speeding toward the batter. Then about 10 feet in front of the plate it took a nose dive and bounced in the dirt. Mel had walked in the winning run! After much jubilation on the Dodgers part, the team finally left the field. As they pasted the Brewers bench on of the players turned and pointed to his team mate and said, "Hey what's with all the beer cans in the Brewers dug-out?" "That my friend, is the beer that made Mel Faimy walk us!" The devil calls up St.Peter and says, "Let's have a baseball game - my people against your people." St. Peter thinks this over, checks his populace, and says, "Sure, but you're gonna lose - I've got all the hall of famers up here." "Maybe so", replies the devil, "but I've got all the umpires!" A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll [ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do." Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?" Q: What's pink, 18 inches long, and makes a grown woman scream? A: Crib death. Q: How can you tell when a feminist has an orgasm? A: Who cares? Q: Have you heard about Evel Kenevel's newest and most dangerous stunt? A: Riding across Ethiopia with a chicken strapped to his motorcycle. Q: Did you hear about Miss Biafra's measurements? A: 20-22-20 Q: Did you hear about the new Soviet BBQ joint where you don't have to pay? A: It's called Char-No-Bill Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" Q: What does an Irish-Catholic wife say during sex? A: "Honey, I think you should paint the ceiling beige." Q: What's the difference between an Italian Grandmother and an elephant? A: Fifty pounds and a black dress. Q: What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Mormon? A: Someone with a thirty-day supply of stolen food in their basement. Q: What do you get when you cross a white woman with a black man? A: An abortion. Q: What do you call a Vietnamese family with one dog? A: Poor. Q: What do you call a Vietnamese family with two dogs? A: Ranchers. Q What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York ? A The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men ! One of the nice things about working with Apple equipment is their delightful sense of humor. A while ago, some of the delightful error messages from the MPW C compiler went out on the net. They also have a series of developers' CDs with software and interesting junk on them with great names like, "Lord of the Files," "The Code Warrior," "Desperately Seeking Seven," "Gorilla's in the Disk," "Bill and Ted's Excellent CD," and so on. I have meant for some time to type in the personal ads that adorn "Desperately Seeking Seven," which are amusing. Yesterday, while rummaging through some test code, I found a delightful disclaimer. -- jdcc This software has not been painstakingly tested by Apple's ruthlessly efficient quality engineers (although it was co-written by one of them.) Neither Apple Computer, Incorporated, nor the authors of this software make any legally binding claim that this software will do anything in particular besides use up valuable space on a CD or hard disk. In the event that your use of or inability to use this software results in a visitation from MacsBug, damage to other software or hardware, the explosion of your Macintosh in a shower of sparks (as seen on Star Trek) or indeed the end of Western Civilzation As We Know It, your attempts to attach blame onto Apple Computer, Incorporated or the authors of this software will be expensive and unsuccessful. Have a nice day. God and the Devil are having a discussion. God: To many spirits are sneaking into heaven from hell. I want you to stop it. Devil: What are you going to do if I don't. God: I'll sue you. Devil: Yeah Right, Like you have any lawyers in heaven. Subject: A Fundamental Offering A cool new product was announced today. It is Digital's Data Suppository. It is by far the very best tool we have for anal- ysis. It relieves painful data by letting you apply the cor- rect tools to the job. You can scope out any problem and wipe out those annoying delays we all encounter in trying to get the straight poop on our businesses. You can make intelligent decisions on partners and vendors who are friends and those who are enemas. You no longer have to be the butt of business jokes. It is important to decide to commit to this new strategy. In some environments such a decision takes substantial intestinal fortitude. So we recommend that a prospect take the time to read the technical information and digest it. But don't just sit on it. If you have any questions, call 1-800-773-7724 (1-800-PREPARH). And remember, we are the leaders in this technology. We will no longer accept being number 2. A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado and yelled, "Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and went into another bar, shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds later, he was eating dust again. Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?" The cowboy replied, "Son, this is *horse* country!" WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PIZZA AND A JEW? PIZZA'S DON'T SCREAM WHEN YOU PUT THEM IN AN OVEN. There was once a man named Ray who made a cunt out of clay. he Fucked it quick till it turned to brick and pulled all his forskin away... ** every one is entitled to an opinion .... even though it is wrong...** Q: Is Magic Johnson sure that he won't play for the Lakers anymore? A: Yes, he's positive. Yesterday upon the stair, I saw a little man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today. How I wish he'd go away. Nice Air Show Assholes I remember when we used to laugh at grampa when he would go out fishing every morning. Of couse we didn't laugh when he brought a whore back from town. -Deep Thought SNL PRANKSTERS TAKE LAWN ORNAMENT ON VACATION PATTERSON (AP) - Florence and Pat McMorrow didn't get to travel throughout America this summer but their elf, Rufus, did. Rufus is a 3-foot-high lawn ornament owned by the McMorrows, of Patterson, a community north of New York City. Someone swiped Rufus July 9 from his usual perch on a tree stump in the couple's front lawn. He reappeared last week with an envelope tucked under his arm. "I'm home. Vacation pictures", a note on the envelope read. There was Rufus on the beach in California, wearing shades. There he was in Wyoming, wearing an Indian headdress. There he was at Wrigley Field in Chicago, watching the Chicago Cubs. In all, there were photos of Rufus in 17 states. Police and the McMorrow family still don't know who took the statute [sic]. "It was definitely young people," Mrs. McMorrow said. "They have some sense of humor." Christan Mcculuf: Ahistory teacher whos now history! What Brand of Shampoo did Christina Use? Head and Shoulders: Found em on the beach. Where did the AStornauts take there vaction? All over florida! What was the last thing heard on the Black Box? 1. No not that button 2. I said a BUD Light! How come NASA's official drink is now COKE? 'cause they couldn't get 7-up! What was the last thing Christa said to her husband? -You feed the dog and I'll feed the fish. What's the official song of the Challenger? -"I said a Boom-chica-Boom" How do we know that the Shuttle program director is impotent? -He couldn't get it up. National Astronaut Scattering Administration Why was there only one black on the challenger? They didn't know it was going to explode! Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died they couldn't find a casket big enough to bury him in? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox. Apple: Rotten to the core. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- BEASTALITY'S BEST BOYS ======================== Chours Oh, Beastality's best boys, Beastality's best, SHAG A WALLABIE, Beastality's best boys, Beastaliyy's best. Up the hole of a mole boys, Up the hole of a mole, SHAG A WALLABIE, Up the hole of a mole boys, Up the hole of a mole. All because .....(Chours) Sixtynine with a porkupine, Sixtynine with a pork, SHAG A WALLABIE. Sixtynine with a porkupine, Sixtynine with a pork. All because ...... Up the rear of a deer boys, ...... All because ........ Verses contiues .. Slam your rod up a cod. Shoot your load up a toad. Drink the sperm of a werm(worm). Deep throat with a goat. In the mouth of a trout. -------------------------------------------------------------------------