A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS 372.01 Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes. 372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, how- ever, prohibited. 372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the road- side and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash. 372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft. 372.05 It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance", or "Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons. 372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, brothels or hospitals. 372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same. 372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accoun- tant for the purpose of hunting attorneys 372.10 Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied sidewinders 2 Two-faced Tortfeasors 1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3 Horn Rimmed cut-throats 2 Honest Attorneys PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES) From: TDCAA Prosecutors Report, found in the chambers of Judge Lopez, 108th Judicial District, Amarillo, Texas. There's no skid marks before the lawyer What do you have if you have 100 lawyers drowning in a lake? A good start. Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields, att'ys at law Dead Puppies aren't much fun LAWYER: One who is skilled at circumnavigation of the law. My senior year - The best 5 years of my life. Truth is just another misconception. Please donate to help the Humour Impaired °°±±²²ÛÛ IN STEREO WHERE AVAILABLE ÛÛ²²±±°° what is black and white and has two eyes? sammy davis and sandy duncan A jewish man comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he has herpes. She says Vahts dat? He didn't know either, so she looked it up in the medical dictionary, and said, Don't vorry it's a disease for the gentiles. The doctor comes in with the results of the mans checkup and says, I've got good news and bad news. The man says, give me the bad news first. The doctor says, the bad news is you have AIDS. The man says oh my god, what news could be good after hearing that? The doctor says the good news is you also have Alzheimers, so go home and forget about it. Bush falls into a coma and awakes 3 years later. His advisors explain he has been in a coma for 3 years, and Quayle took over. Bush asks how Quayle is doing, and his advisors say, ok but inflation is a bit high. Bush says, well I remember stamps were 25 cents, how much do they cost now? His advisor says 500 yen. How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? They got ELECTRICITY up there?? Gone Chopin, be Bach in a Minuet. A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling. The brother said "What should we do?" The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it." The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!" The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU." A rooster clucks defiance-- but a lawyer. . . A minister put a sign on his church: If you're through with sin Come in Somebody scrawled on it in lipstick: If you're not: Call 447-8912 RES IPSA LOQUITUR, but not clearly. Edlin is my best word processor. Know why that guy killed 8 people in Jacksonville the other day? He thought GMAC meant: Give Me A Car *** A UNION MANS DOG *** Four workers were discussing how smart thier dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square" and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule." He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the Union Member and said "What can your dog do ?" The Teamster member called his dog, whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do." "Coffee Break" went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for work- man's compensation and left for home on sick leave. A church near my old home has a series of signs along the road that runs past it: #1 This is a church. #2 It has no steeple. #3 Come on in. #4 And meet its people. A woman walks into her vets office with her poodle and sits down next to a lady sitting with her great dane. They get to talking and the great dane's owner asks the poodle's owner why they are there. The poodle's owner explains that her dog is a male and he keeps trying to f*ck her leg so she is getting him nutered. The great dane's owner told her she knows just how she feels as every time she bends over her dog gets on her ass and tries to f*ck her. Poodle owner> so are you getting him nuetered also? Great Dane owner> No I'm getting his nails clipped. Get your Modem runnin, Head out for the Highwaves! I married a virgin; I can't stand criticism... Where's the bow key to match my arrow keys? Which reminds me of the line, What has an IQ of 20 and has 7 teeth?? Front row at a Willie Nelson concert! I remember one good line from the three stooges where Moe, talking about some famous pianist, say "This man is the best pianist in the country!", to which Curly replies, "Oh yea, well how is he in the city?!" "I think feminists have a point. I think there OUGHT to be a 'spokesperson'. I think there OUGHT to be a 'chairperson'. But sometimes, they go to far. Thay want me to call that thing in the street a 'personhole'. People would look up and see the 'person in the moon'. And what would a 'lady's man' be? A 'persons's person'? That would make a 'he-man' an 'it-person'. And these are the things you would be hearing about on 'Late Night with David Letterperson'.... "Have a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I've had 192 nice days in a row, and I'm ready, by God, for a CRAPPY day!" Lite salad dressing: 500 Island Meet my pet quadraped Baud Rat..... Who could forget the classic by Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn titled: "You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly" I kinda like "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life." A born loser: Somebody who calls the number that's scrawled in lipstick on the phone booth wall-- and his wife answers. I AM NOT schizophrenic. Me neither. --------------------------- Attachment ----------------------------- NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! The heaviest known element known to science was recently discovered by corporate research physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 15 senior vice neutrons, 60 vice neutrons, 125 assistant neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3 years at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicate Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. Our hero is at a bar,starting to tell this joke....Shhhh! "This jock walked into a bar on night.." "Hey buddy".interupted the beefy bartender,leaning over toward him. "This isn't one of those dumb-jock jokes is it"? he asked. "Well as a matter of fact it is" answered the man. "What of it"? "Look,I lift weights when I'm not working here.and see that guy over there? He's a pro wrestler.And those guys over there at the end of the bar are pro football players.You SURE you want to tell your joke here?" asked the bartender. "I guess you're right",replied our hero. "I'd hate to have to explain it 5 times." A bunch of sports-minded guys were boozing it up to excess and getting very loud in the process. When the subject of the University of Georgia came up, one of the guys snorted: "Huh! Everybody at Georgia is either a dumb football player or a whore!" Across the table, another guy stood up, grabbed the first guy by the collar, and said: "Oh, is that right? I've have you know MY DAUGHTER goes to Georgia." First guy: "Really? Umm ... what position does she play?" What is 50 feet long and has no pubic hair? The front row at a New Kids on the Block concert. My mother-in-law kept nagging me to take her to Sea World. I called, but they don't want her. Welcome to the promised RAM. Support Deadware: smoke. here was a fire in my house, and my wife told the kids "Quiet, you'll wake up daddy." ÛÛÛÝMy system goes down more than a $10 whore.ÞÛÛÛ This guy walks up to a sheepherder, and says "I bet you one of your sheep that I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock". SHEEPHERDER: No way I have too many. You have a bet. GUY: Um....Um....Um....742 SHEEPHERDER: WOW!!! That's amazing. OK take whatever sheep you want. A few minutes later....... SHEEPHERDER: HEY buddy. I bet you double or nothing I can guess your nationality. GUY: I guess it's only fair. OK! SHEEPHERDER: POLISH! GUY: Yeah! How'd you know. SHEEPHERDER: Put the dog back, and I'll explain it to you. Oops! Did it again..this is a recording..Oops MEMBER OF THE MARION BARRY DRUG ABUSE CLINIC Only the mediocre are always at their best. Don't sweat Petty things, or Pet Sweaty Things My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him (MS)DOS is a feminist operating system It's definitely a "mother" at times. Chris was enjoying a few at the local pub when a man joined him at the bar, swaying back and forth as he stood there. It started to get on Chris' nerves, so finally he turned to the stranger and asked "What's with all this lurching back and forth? Can't you stand still?" "I was with the Merchant Marines for 15 years," the fellow explained genially,"and the roll of the sea kinda got in my blood." "IS that so? Well, I've got 14 kids," sputtered Chris, starting to pump his hips energetically back and forth at the bar, "and I don't stand like this!" A man had a weird illness.Whenever he broke wind,it made the sound"honda". He asked his doctor about it but the doctor after months of tests and literature-reading,could not figure it out.Finally,just before he was about to give up,he has an idea!"I'll call Honda Company in Japan and ask the company doctor!!" Well,he called the Japanese doctor and was told by him to see if the patient had an abscess in his teeth somewhere. Sure enough,there is,and when it was treated the other affliction ended! When th e doctor asked his Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over the phone from such a long distance away the man replied,simple: Abscess makes a fart go honda!!! When Noah was loading the animals on the ark, a pair of adders came to the gangplank. Noah said "I'm sorry, but I can only take animals that can multiply, and you're adders". They said "Well, how are we gonna survive the flood??!!??" Noah said "I don't know, and I wish I could help you, but I've got my orders right from the Top." So the adders built a high platform out of tree trunks, and stayed up on that during the flood. When the flood subsided and the ark docked, Noah came down the gangplank and to his amazement was met by the two adders with a whole lot of little adders. He said "I didn't know you could multiply!!!" They said "Neither did we, until we got on the log table." What's pink, wrinkled, and hangs out your pajamas? -- Your mother. Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian They're like vitamins only Better!...E Presley Why did the chicken cross the road? - A crazy was after him with a baby in one hand and a stapler in the other. Who is France's data compression hero? Joan of ARC... "They put dimes in the hole in my head and You should see the change in me now!" Honk if you've had Mrs. Bush What's the difference between a pigeon and a Texas oil-man? A pigeon can still make deposits on a Mercedes. Reputation=character - what you got caught at No one ever bets enough on the winner. And so...the young, innocent farmgirl finally made it to the big city. Upon landing her first real job as a Greyhound bus driver, she expressed her excitement about her new job by pleasantly greeting each passenger that she picked up along her route. For example... Early one morning, while rolling down one of the back country roads on her route, she pulled up to a gentlemen waiting at the bus stop right outside of the local farmers market. The man was standing there with a rooster, a hen, and a donkey - not an uncommon picture around these parts. So, in her usual, charming manner, she pulled up and greeted the fellow with a big smile... " Mornin' Sir... Should I grab your cock and pullet til you get your ass in the door ??? " Whats hard, and round and sticks out of your clothes far enough that you can hang a hat on it? -- Your head What's a Polish shishkebob? A flaming arrow through a garbage can..... What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy. What did the Pole do when he found out he had sugar in his urine? He pissed on his corn flakes.... A young guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. The pharmacist noticed that the guy was a bit confused and offered help. The pharmacist told the guy he could buy a three pack, a six pack, or a twelve pack and explained the difference when asked. He said that the three pack was for high school kids; one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. So what's the six pack for, asked the young guy? That's for college kids; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday. The customer's curiosity aroused, he asked about the twelve pack. Oh, said the pharmacist, those are for married couples; one for January, one for February, one for March... Rl prgmmrs dnt nd vwls BF> Who is France's data compression hero? BF> BF> Joan of ARC... And Great Britain's? -- Jack the Zipper What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Soup Why did they stop the leper hockey game? Their was a face off How do you know when a leper's poker game is over? They all throw in their hands What did the leper say to the Hooker? Keep the tip There was this def mute couple and they really wanted to make love. The girl said that she would, only if he had a condom. The guy then ran to his dresser and grabbed a 10 dollar bill. Out the door he went in search of a condom. When he arrived at the drug store he remembered that he didn't know how to sign the word condom. In desperation, he unzippered his pants and layed it on the counter.Then he slaped down his 10 dollar bill. The Pharmacist came over and looked at what the guy had done. The phamacist then unzippered his pants and layed his on the counter. "Ha mines bigger" yelled the pharmacist. He took the 10 bucks. He's dim, Jed! Yesterday, while I was out driving, I got stuck behind a Line Painting Truck. This wasn't one of the usual small jobs I'd seen before -- the thing was the size of a cement mixer, and had a couple of monstrous pressurized paint containers onboard. The traffic was backed up because they were doing the double- yellow center lines (which effectively blocked off half the street. Eventually, I turned onto a side road to take a detour. As I continued home, I saw freshly painted lines everywhere... those guys had been busy. (With paint canisters that big, I guess you can stay out a long time!) I also saw a dead animal lying in the center of the road, which isn't all that unusual. It might have been a groundhog or a racoon -- when it's flattened out, it gets kinda tough to tell. But this animal had one unusual distinguising characteristic... ...two bright yellow lines running straight across his back! I'm sorry -- my karma ran over your dogma. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with Jell-O. Boredom is a feast unfit for mankind, therefore, keep busy: H H AAA V V EEE SSS EEE X X ! ! H H A A V V E S E X X ! ! HHH AAA V V EE SSS EE X ! ! H H A A V V E S E X X H H A A V EEE SSS EEE X X * * From Sourcebook Magazine, Summer 1990, by Dan Gutman: Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the ground if Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone ... Bell: Mr. Watson, come here; I want you. Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you would like to leave a message for Watson, press 2 now ... The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply placing and receiving calls, has become a different animal in recent years. These days everybody has an answering machine, a speakerphone, and a slew of other telecommunication doodads. Call waiting, Caller ID, and last number redial are fine, but here are some options that can't be far behind: ON-HOLD DISRUPT. When someone puts you on hold for more than 15 seconds, a digitized voice blares over their speakerphone, "Hey! Remember me? I don't have all day!" This option also shorts out Muzak if it's being played. CALL SCHMOOZING. Stuck listening to a long-winded acquaintance? Call Schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized voice that sounds just like you and repeats, "Uh-huh ... I see ... right" while the other party babbles on. They think you're hanging on every word, when you're actually getting some work done. CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS. Your phone places call to important contacts, trades pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing information, and ends by saying, "You're beautiful. Let's do lunch. Don't ever change." GOSSIP NOTIFICATION. Company rumors are automatically broadcast to selected voice mailboxes. Time once wasted circulating gossip translates into increased productivity. CALL TERMINATE. Imagine being able to fire troublesome employees just by dialing their numbers! An excellent feature for executives with poor confrontation skills. NETWORK EAVESDROP. A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever anyone in the company mentions your name during a phone conversation, a voice- activated tape recorder stores the call so you can review it later and hear what people say about you. SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING. Program the numbers of people you _really_ don't want to speak with. When they dial your number, your phone transmits a mild electric shock through their receivers. CELLULAR CRANK CALL. On command, your car phone can dial any other car phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver his muffler looks as though it's about to fall off. CALL REMINDING. Store the birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones in your telephone's memory. On the appropriate days, the phone automatically calls them and relays heartfelt sentiments in a digitized voice resembling yours. CALL INTERRUPT. When you need to end a conversation quickly, a button on your phone causes a fake operator to break in and announce that you have an emergency call on the line from Steve Jobs. SUBLIMINA-CALL. Periodically during a conversation, the phone plays subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say yes" and "Increase my department's budget." CHARGE FORWARDING. A quick push of a button charges any long-distance call to the person you're calling or to friends who don't look too closely at their phone bills. Why did they stop the leper baseball game? Someone dropped a ball in left field. Why did they stop the leper football game? There was a hand off at the line of scrimmage. Why did they stop the leper hockey game? There was a face off. What's grosser than gross? 7 babies in a trash can. What's grosser than that? 1 baby in 7 trash cans. One day a leper went into a bar and had a seat. The waiter arrived and took his order. "Scotch and soda" he said. He shot down the drink quickly noticing that the waiter was becoming sick. He got up to leave, but the waitor sat him back down saying, "It's not you... I'll even buy you another drink." The waitor return in seconds with another drink for the leper. Again the leper shot down the drink and got up to leave, seeing the waitor puking up lunch in the corner of the bar. The waitor again tried to no avail to seat the leper. "You keep saying that it's not me making you sick," the leper exclaimed, "then who the hell is it?" "Ok," the waitor replied, "It's not you. It's the guy next to you... He's drunk... He's eating Potato chips ... and .. He's DIPPING THEM IN YOUR ARM! What do you call 100 black guys at the bottom of the ocean? A GOOD start. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A 50 ft. cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. Q2: What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common? A2: They both spread for bread. Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day? Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack. Q: Why does Miss Piggy uses honey and vinegar douche? A: Because Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork. How is a Mexican like a cue ball? The harder you hit 'em, the more English they pick up. How does the brain know where it lives? Now, now. Don't be like the leper who threw his hands up in the air in disgust. Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Sometimes my mind and waste go together... What do you call 1000 black guys jumping out of an airplane with out parachutes? A: Asphalt How many Country Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, the other to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. A duck went into a drugstore to buy some condoms. Druggist said: "You want me to put that on your bill?" Duck said: "Just What kind of a duck do you think I am?" Does killing time damage eternity? What is the only part of Popeye that doesn't get rusty? The part he sticks in to Olive Oil! What do you get when you mix a Rooster with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth! Never look a GIF. horse in the mouth. What is green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy? Kermits middle finger!!! How does a mexican know when he's hungry?? His ass burns! Born free...Taxed to death. I NEED Kirstie Alley's home phone number!!!!!!!!!! How about "She Broke My Heart, So I Busted Her Jaw." Q: Why did the pervert cross the road? A: He was stuck in a chicken. Q: Why did the New Yorker cross the road? A: What's it to you??!!!!!!!!!!!? Dyslexics should be persona au gratin. Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens weren't invented yet. What's that up the road? A head? A chicken is the only animal that you can eat before it is born, and after it is dead! If at first you dont succeed,forget skydiving Q: How many Longshoremen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty-three. You got a problem with that? Put your modem where your mouth is! What goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and goo-ey? --- Gum I WAS Joan of ARC...now I'm Eileen of ZIP... Did you hear about the sign off on the news show in the leper colony? Its ten o'clock, do YOU know where your extremities are? History repeats itself; historians repeat each other. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl? A: A cock that stays up all night. Q: What's a mile long and moves at 5 mph? A: A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables. Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo? A: They only had four cars. Women do come with instructions, ask them! If you can't beat the one you love, love the one you beat! Nah, My wife ran off with a BAnana! Oh, what a rotten deal! What is long and Hard, and contains Seamen? A Submarine! Astronaut--Whirled traveler. Skydiver--a guy whose talks fall flat. Carpenter--a guy who nails down his agreement. Surrey-makers--always looking for fringe benefits. Soviet spy-dancer--a ballet ruse Chinese spy--a Peiping Tom. Harpist--a plucky musician. A piano player found his instrument to be out of tune and therefore called in the local tuner, Mr. Orlando Oppornokity. Mr. O. accordingly was summoned, tinkered with the keys, and departed. The piano player was not satisfied with the job, however, and called Mr. O. demanding that he return and do the job right. Not on your life, Mr. O. replied, "Oppornokity tunes but once." Why don't kids fight for custody of parents? There was a rascal who managed to get engaged to two women at the same time: one named Edith, in California, and the other named Kate, in texas. Unfortunately for the rascal, the two girls met at a beauty contest, discovered the truth, and confronted him with the following admonition: "You can't have your Kate and Edith, too." I'm in search of myself, have you seen me? Q. What's the difference between a Hedgehog and a BMW A. The pricks are on the outside of a Hedgehog! What did the ship's navigator say to the midget? "Belly-high, here's your island..... As they say in Copenhagen..."There is nothing like a Dane." A class lecture was being given in a large auditorium at Illinois State University. The professor was proceeding marily through his notes when a large bag of Doritos came sailing down from the balcony RIGHT AT THE PODIUM. (apparently, a girl in the balcony had--for WHATEVER reason--been leaning over the balcony railing with the bag in her hand and had "accidentally" dropped it.) When the professor saw this approaching missile, he simply reached up, caught it, exclaimed "Oh! LUNCH!" and continued with his lecture without further comment. "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" So the High School Shop Teacher is giving his students a little quiz -- he asks a girl if she can explain the difference between a screw, a nail, and a bolt. "Golly!" she replied, "I've never BEEN bolted!" The wages of sin are tax deductible "What are you doing that for?", Bill asked, looking at his friend Tyrone. The large, muscular negro had just finished using a urinal and before zipping up, banged his cock against the side of the receptacle three times. "You oughta try it," Tyrone explained as he zipped up, "it'll make your dick bigger." Bill scoffed politely. "Naw man, I mean it. Come on, just humor me: every morning when you get up and take a leak, bang your dick against the toilet three times. I'll bet you anything it works." Sceptical but good natured, Bill agrees to try his friend's advice. The next morning, he pulls himself out of bed, urinates, and beats his pud against the toilet. Every morning for two weeks he performs this procedure, and upon close inspection, he realizes his cock is indeed almost half an inch longer. From then on, he enthusiastically performs this task. One morning, however, the banging noise rouses his wife from sleep in the next room. "Tyrone, is that you?" she asks. Yeah, Aggies can be real touchy. Why just last week, I was swapping Aggie jokes with a friend at a bar. The guy sitting next to us seemed to get redder and redder after each one. Finally having heard enough he announced, loudly, "I'll have you know that I'M an Aggie!" The temptation was too much, so I replied "Well I'll tell the next one real slow." At this, he stormed out of the bar. A half hour later, I was walking out to my car when the Aggie jumped out from behind a bush brandishing a razor! Luckely for me, it wasn't plugged in. I heard a story about a student who walked into the wrong classroom during finals week. Since the classes are so large it wasn't obvious at first that anything was wrong. As soon as he got a test, he realized that he was in the wrong place. So, he got up, stormed to the front of the class, slammed the paper on the desk and said, "This test is TOO DA*N HARD!" and stormed out, to a cheering class. Acupuncturists do it with a small prick. POOPIE Ghost Poopie the kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there are no poopies in the toilet. Clean Poopie the kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poopie the kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain. Second Wave Poopie it happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have have to poopie some more. Pop a Vein in Your Head Poopie the kind where you strain so much that you almost have a stroke. Richard Simmons Poopie you poopie so much that you lose thirty pounds Lincoln Log Poopie the kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. Gasey Poopie it's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling. Corn Poopie (self-explanatory) Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie it's the kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a little. Spinal Tap Poopie that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways. Wet Cheeks Poopie (the power dump) the kind that comes out of your butt so fast your butt cheeks get splash with water. Bicyclist do it with chains. This guy has been feeling really bad for about 3 weeks so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so why don't you go to this specialist I know." So the man went to the specialist and the specialist said, "Look you have this rare sickness, only one person every ten years gets it! The only cure is made in Australia in a little town called Mercey, about 400 miles from Sidney. By the way, you have 1 week to live." So the man took the first flight he could to Sidney, rented a car and drove to Mercey, Australia. When he got there he found it was a town with a population of one. The man walked up to the one house in the village and an old doctor answered. "You have to help me!" said the man,"I'm dying of this rare illness and I have only 4 days to live" So the old man invited him in. "I must give you my special Koala bear Tea. It is the only thing that will cure you." So the old man went out to get the supplies. One koala, a few birds and such, and he boiled them together and gave them to the man with bones and feathers and dirt sticking up. and the young man looked at it repulsed and asked if it could be strained. The old docter looked horrified and said, "Oh No, the Koala Tea of Mercy is never strained" Cheer up! Yesterday won't matter tomorrow. His eyes bulged and he got headaches. The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so why don't you go to this specialist I know." So the man went to the specialist and told him, "Hey, my eyes bulge and I get these headaches. What's wrong?" The specialist said, "Look you have this rare sickness. It's always fatal. I'm sorry, but you have only months to live. There's only one treatment to prolong your life: immediate castration. I'm sorry." Well this is a shock, but he goes for it. Later, he is out buying some new shirts, and tells the salesman, "I take 15-33 shirts. Got some nice cream colors?" Salesman says, "Naw, big guy like you, he takes maybe a 16, 16-1/2." "No, I take 15 collars. Gimme 15 inches." "OK, You've got them if you want, but lemme tell you, you're about my size in the arms and shoulders, if I try tto wear 15 inch collars, I get headaches and my eyes bulge out....." A Russian, an American, an English Canadian, and a French Canadian go camping together. One night they are sitting around the campfire talking about their countries. The Russian grabs a case of vodka, tosses it in the fire and shouts, "Russia has such an abundance of vodka that I can toss away a case without a thought". The American takes a wad of $100 bills from his backpack, tosses it in the fire and yells, "America has such an abundance of money that we can afford to burn cash for warmth". The English Canadian grabs the French Canadian and tosses him on the fire. Of course there's Mel Fami, famous pitcher for the Yankees. Every game he pitched was a no hitter. Every game he didn't pitch they lost. Went to the series, 7th game, 9th inning, 0 - 0. Mel was nervous and for the first time in his life he took a drink of a beer. Got so drunk, he walked the next five batters, and lost the game. The manager of the other team picked up the can of beer and said, "This is the beer that made Mel Fami walk us." There once was a young man named Dave who drug a dead whore in a cave. Now, it ain't first-class (f..kin' dead ass), But LOOK at the MONEY Dave saved! Did I make myself clear? Translucent? ... so the husband finally let his nagging wife (redundancy?) go deer hunting with him. After setting her up in a blind and waiting in his own blind a way's away, he heard a shot. Not believing that she bagged one before he did, he raced to her blind to see what happened. She was pulling on one end of the animal while a large man was pulling on the other. They were arguing very loudly about whose it was when the man, in total exasperation, finally said, "Ok lady, you can have it. Just give me five minutes to get the saddle off." Save the whales. Refrigerate 'em. Reminds me of the guy who was out fishing all day, and frustrated with only catching one fish, took the fish to bed with him. His wife came to bed and wanted to make love. "Not tonight", the fisherman replied, "I have a haddock." This new guy in town was visiting a local pub when he noticed a strange looking machine next to the bar. The bartender told him it is a piss analysis machine. The new guy wanted to try it out. He pissed in the machine and threw in a loonie. 10 seconds later, the machine spat out a card that says "You need glasses". "This is bullshit! How can the machine tell if I need glasses from my piss?" He decided to give it another try. So he went home, collected piss from his wife, his daughter and his dog and mixed it all up. Then, he added couple drops of Quaker State from his car and finally, as good measure, he jerked off into the brine. The next day, he went back to the pub. He poured the solution into the machine and inserted anotehr loonie. This time, the machine struggled and took almost 5 minutes to come up with an answer. "Your dog has flees, you wife is dating a Latin lover, your daughter is pregnant by a Haitian drug user, your car is about to blow up and if you don't stop jerking off, you'll go blind." I want a modem that talks!! What do you call an Italian suppository??? an Inuendo? What do you call an Italian astronaut??? a specimen..