%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %% %% %% ============================== %% %% How to Have Fun in Restaurants %% %% ============================== %% %% %% %% Courtesy of _The Reflex_ and Omnipotent, Inc. %% %% %% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Have you ever been in a restaurant and had lousy service, or lousy food, or just felt pissed off? Well there are many great ways to get revenge against scum of the bucket places like this. Here is where you can learn some ways and seek inspiration for further activities. 1) When you first walk into a restaurant and they ask you how many people will be at dinner, say that you are having an office party and that about 50-75 poeple will be coming in. It is better to call and reserve this. 2) Get up and go to the bathroom as often as you can. This will piss them off. Once inside the bathroom, you have limitless possiblities. Make sure that you have a full bladder for this one. First go into all of the stalls and piss on all the toilet paper. Piss up and down the walls. After pissing up the stalls, go over to the sink. See the contraption on the wall full of soap? Well remove the top and empty your bladder into it. If you can, stir it up or shake it up. I've done this before and then seen people come in and wash their hands and face. A real riot! Next whip out your magic marker and go back into the stalls. Write such shit as: "Brad Moreland is a Dick that likes to give head! Call him at (713) 487-0351." Next give an illustration to go along with it such as this: ___ / ! \ !___! !. .! !., ! ! ,.! ! , ! !., ! __ ! ,.! __ /.,\! , !/.,\ !,.,!___!.,.! \__/ \__/ BRAD MORELAND RULES! If there are any empty toilets then fill them to the rim with toilet paper. It is interesting to see the water fill up the bathroom as you run out in laughter. 3) Next order as much shit as possible and then "remember" that you have an important engagement as they bring all the shit out. 4) Need some credit cards? After some assholes leave, they forget to take their carbons with them and leave them sitting on the table. Help yourself, it will have the store authorization number on it for some checking purposes. 5) Low on money? Help yourself to the tips that idiots leave for "good service." One night I got nearly $45 from 3 different restaurants in the local mall. 6) Food Phun! So the shit, er...I mean food has arrived, eh? Well you aren't really going to pay for it, are you? If you haven't collected your tips yet then whip out your official Marvin Zindler Roach Droppings in a Bag(c) and pour it all over your food. Demand to see the manager and then start bitching about how you expect good service for the price you are paying. Threaten to tell the Board of Health and report them for that. Also, have some rat droppings and urine ready. Live roaches are a must, all you have to do is release one on your plate after you ate all that you want (don't eat it all). Next release the roach on your food and call the manager. 7) Ever consider starting a food fight casually in a nice restaurant. Once when I was in Chili's and there weren't many people, I picked up a chip with some sauce on it and tossed it over the divider between sections. Next I heard a loud "SHIT!" And the guy came around the corner as I split. 8) Need some utensils for your house? Well, as you are leaving, grab some knives and forks and put them in your pockets. Salt and pepper shakers are easy to put in your pants too if you need them. 9) BB's! Get one of those cartons of about a thousand BB's. Open it up and then spread them evenly throughout the restaurant. It's funny to watch five waiters all tripping and dropping food and glass and blood... 10) Firecrackers! These are halarious if you pay by cash. When you are about to leave, just light a string of blackcats with a fuse that would give you enough time to pay and get out, or if you already payed. It will scare the shit out of everyone if you are still in there and you yell: "He has a gun everyone get down!" Watch people flee and panic as they try to get out the doors while the waiters are tripping over each other and breaking things. 11) Hide everything! This so when the people come to clean up your table they won't find a mess, but the next group of people will as they sit down and put their feet in your lasagna under the table. 12) Order 50 different things and keep having them sent back to the kitchen because you "didn't want mayonaisse on it." Or you "wanted cheese on it." This will confuse the waiters and cooks. 13) As the waiters bring you your food and say "I believe you had the Veal Cutlet?" Say plainly, "No, sorry, I ordered blah blah!" 14) Take the linen napkins into the bathrooms and procede to relieve yourself in them. On your way out just DROP it on someone's table as you pass by. They will do one of two things. 1: Have a shit themselves. 2: Faint! 15) Screw the caps off the salt and pepper shakers and then turn them upside- down carefully. When the waiters come to clean it up, they lift the shakers and it drops all over the table and they have another mess to clean up. Have Phun! And remember that life is just a game! _______________________________________________________________________________