_ | \ | \ | | \ __ | |\ \ __ _____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________ | ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ | | | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | | | | /________/ | | / / /________/ | | | | | | / / | | | | | |/ / | | | | | | / | | | | | / | | | | |_/ | | | | | | | | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | | | |________________________________________________________________| | |____________________________________________________________________| ...presents... Pantslessness by Mark Buda 01/01/1997-#328 __//////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\__ Est. 1984 \\\\\\/ xXx BOW to the COW xXx \////// Est. 1984 __ _ _ __ _ _ __ _ _ __ _ _ __ |__heal_the_sick__raise_the_dead__cleanse_the_lepers__cast_out_demons__| My pants deny my existence. I struggle with them daily, yet they insist that they are the master. Who is to settle this dispute? Lying and wheezing in my bed of potato and vinegar, I call for the princes of the boudoir, but they heed me not. I fret, and in fretting, I sprain a whim. Damn. I must go, and leave my pants behind. I spit on them as I leave, but they are not ashamed. I stroll down the avenue, aware that in my pantslessness I am the focus of attention. I am secretly elated, but at the same time, I am worried. I do not have a spaniel, either, yet I do not experience the joy of being without one. I collapse in the street, crying bitter tears at the emotions I can only deduce, for I am too numb to experience them. I am wracked by despair as I realize I have been feeling the rapture of kazoolessness my entire life, and yet it has not moved me. As I lie sprawled in the street, passersby stop to taunt me and throw me gnarled twigs. I catch and eat them, for I deserve no better. And as I crunch on my gritty repast, I feel a prod in a part of my body that only one creature dares to touch. Could it be - it is! My pants! They have come to rescue me! No, it is only a squirrel. When, at last, I return home, I find that my pants have locked me out and have taken my wives for their own, and are redecorating the palace. I have only myself to blame. http://www.clark.net/pub/hermit/ .-. _ _ .-. / \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \ /.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \ -/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\- /lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\ \ / `-' (U) `-' \ / `-' the original e-zine `-' _ Oooo eastside westside / ) __ /)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \ \__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1997 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/ (_/ Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a trademark of oooO cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _ oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Swamp Ratte'. __ ( \ / ) /)(\ / \ ) \ \ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( / \_) "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US" Oooo