Subject: Desperado #3058: Every Tub on Its Own Bottom @.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$ DESPERADO, But Everybody Takes a Turn in the Barrel @.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$@.>$ CONTRIBUTIONS TO CLOSET::T_PARMENTER [t_parmenter@closet.enet.dec.com] SUBSCRIPTION REQUESTS TO COVERT::DESPERADO-REQUEST [desperado-request@covert.enet.dec.com] 991 lines shy of an empty file |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Not an official publication. Forward with daring and whimsy. Circle the earth. Should you rip something off from here, be a sport and rip this header off too. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| So, here we are again, facing another new year. It is a leap, sure, but it's not a palindrome. =*= The Communists are down to their last billion people. =*= Not bought as a Christmas gift this year: American flag beach towel. =*= I watched only one of those "year-in-review" talking-head extravaganzas. That is, I watched as much as I could stand, that is, about ten minutes. This was on "Rod MacLeish" (he's Archibald's son and a "distinguished" ("old") newscaster on the Monitor Channel. He'd gotten together four more "distinguished" columnists and commentators. They were going over the August coup while I watched. Not a single one of these experts alluded to the notion that Gorbachev set the whole thing up himself. I mean, there he was in the Crimea, guarded, while the coup proceded. It failed and he emerged and "took charge", or so he thought. I have the strongest feeling that if the coup had succeeded. Gorby would have also emerged and "taken charge", giving the appearance of all kinds of vigorous getting rid of putschists and taking control of a much-strengthened central government, same as he tried to do after the failed coup. Anyway, here were these five old Washington duffers puzzling over why the failed coup led to Gorby's downfall when there are all kinds of indications that Yeltsin et cetera saw right through Gorby's plot and never gave him another chance to wield the scepter after his coup failed. This isn't an original theory, by the way, but the great propaganda machine has confined it safely to the political weeklies and thus kept it from the attention of readers of the New York/Washington Times/Post, where only approved news appears. The confusing thing is that the approval can come from either the outs or the ins, but both the outs and the ins have a vested interest in defining the scope (narrow), depth (shallow) and inclusiveness (keep the list short) of the issues. =*= These are the same folks who're all upset about Oliver Stone's "JFK". The premise, as above, is, "It's not nice to talk about things like that." =*= Another way of putting it: "Maintain the fiction." Gaffe = term used to designate occasions when politicians accidentally speak the truth. =*= By their commas, ye shall know them: "The commas are the most useful and usable of all the stops. It is highly important to put them in place as you go along. If you try to come back after doing a paragraph and stick them in the various spots that tempt you you will discover that they tend to swarm like minnows into all sorts of crevices whose existence you hadn't realized and before you know it the whole long sentence becomes immobilized and lashed up squirming in commas. Better to use them sparingly, and with affection, precisely when the need for each one arises, nicely, by itself." -- Lewis Thomas, "The Medusa and the Snail". |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| BUT GRACE, THEN ANYONE WILL BE ABLE TO PROGRAM! |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| From: DECWRL::"janet@bostech.com" To: closet::t_parmenter CC: Charla.Mustard-Foote@east.sun.com Subj: Grace Hopper -- RIP Tom, Charla said I should whip something out for desperado. So here it is. Admiral Grace Murray Hopper died on New Year's Day. I still have the nanosecond she handed out when I heard her speak at DEC in 1983. The nanosecond is a length of wire a little over 11 inches long, which represents the distance the electrons travel in a nanosecond. The Admiral wanted people to understand graphically exactly how long a nanosecond is. She handed them out at all her talks. This woman was my hero. I grew up at the tail end of the era when the nuns were still telling me girls couldn't be math majors. But when I read an article about Grace Hopper and COBOL, I knew they were wrong. Being a compiler developer, I viewed Grace Hopper as THE giant of computing. Having the opportunity to hear her speak, and the opportunity to speak with her for about 30 seconds, was one of the high points of my life. About 4 years ago, she was on The David Letterman Show. I never watch Letterman. I'm asleep at that time and I don't have a VCR. A friend called me, woke me up, and said "Go to your TV now. Grace Hopper is on Letterman" and hung up. I ran to my TV and watched the interview. She completely upstaged David Letterman. She had him just absolutely wrapped around her little finger. She was tough, salty, blunt, just wonderful. I wish I had that interview on tape. A friend of mine who knows nothing whatsoever about computers lives in the same apartment complex as Admiral Hopper in Arlington, VA. I remember his telling me that some lady admiral who did something with computers lived in his building. I practically jumped out of my chair exclaiming "Grace Hopper lives in your building!!!!!" about 10 times before I settled down and explained to him who she was and why I was so excited. This woman was something. RIP Admiral Hopper. Janet |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| CHRISTMAS IN JAIL |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Just as I use NEMO:: to indicate an anonymous DECnet posting (even though there is a real NEMO:: I was there first), I have invented "omen.com" to serve the same function for Internet nodes, and, no, I don't care if there's a real omen.com either. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| From: DECPA::"a_friend@omen.com" To: closet::t_parmenter Subj: Reply to Christmas Desperado Tom, The story of "Brother John" touched me deeply. Alcohol does a number on family life and it always seems more awful at Christmas time than during the rest of the year, just because of the contrast with the media image of the fairy tale happy family. What strikes me is that each person who is going through the gray Christmases with the drunk relatives often thinks he or she is the only one going through this, that the entire rest of the country is gathered cheerfully around the Christmas tree drinking in moderation and enjoying the warmth and love. I've spent enough Christmases tainted by alcoholism and cocaine addiction and arrests and car wrecks to know that addictions, their consequences on the family, and the general misery don't stop for Christmas or any other holiday. Sometimes even through the misery there's a tiny glimmer of something though. Last Christmas Eve my cousin Bob, a heavy duty drug addict and an alcoholic, was arrested for violating his parole. He was spending Christmas Eve in the local jail alone and feeling sorry for himself. When the prisoners went outside into the yard for exercise, Bob spotted another inmate who looked familiar but he couldn't quite place him. This other inmate spotted Bob, recognized him, and approached him. "Bob? Bob Mumble?" "Yes." "It's me, Cousin Bill." So Bob and Bill had family to spend Christmas Eve with after all. Bob called his Mom to tell her how happy he was not to be alone on Christmas Eve after all. Bob is clean and sober now, miraculously. I don't know about Bill. Reading "Everyman"'s story brought to mind many memories of family Christmases both pleasant and unpleasant. It also stirred up in me a very personal feeling of overwhelming gratitude that, aware of my family heritage, I woke up and quit drinking the instant that I had a clue that I might not be in total control. If you should choose to include all or part of this in desperado, please please please do not use my name and please change the names of my relatives. Happy Christmas. Virginia |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| VIRTUAL CHRISTMAS IN JAPAN |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| From: DECPA::"kddlab!csl.rdc.toshiba.co.jp!jan@uunet.UU.NET" To: closet::t_parmenter Subj: Virtual Christmas This handy device was dreamed up in order to provide to those people whose religion or country doesn't come equipped with Christmas with the same thrills year after year that most Americans have long taken for granted. Tokyo has been extensively retrofitted and supports 90-95% Christmas compatible operation, such as tree lighting, long shopping lines, consumer hyping, and the ever elusive Christmas special. Extended features bring new levels of functionality to the Christmas oriented concept. Hotels throughout the city have been booked up by young couples planning to consummate their relationship after a night on the town. A word of caution, lest the unwary observer begin feeling the Christmas spirit: salarymen celebrate as did Bob Cratchit by putting in a good day's work at the office. "Bah Humbug," say they, to all of this newfangled virtual nonsense. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| NO, VIRGINIA, THIS IS *NOT* THE SPECIAL CHRISTMAS ISSUE |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| From: LESLIE::leslie "andy leslie" 22-NOV-1991 07:28:12.21 To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER CC: Subj: Christmas is coming. So is Easter. Stock up on suntan oil... On one of my increasingly infrequent (I know that isn't english but you get the drift) trips to the USA, I recently popped into a candy store and looked for some candy for my kids. There, as Arlo Guthrie might have said, in the middle of the store, not next to anything else in the store, were easter eggs. Now, being a Brit, I had no idea that America had Easter Eggs in November, so maybe they're Thanksgiving Eggs? Do such things exist? I guess there's a dearth of real eggs because you're all off killing birds? SOmehow I was unsurprised that the 24 hour CVS had suntan oil on sale. It was 3 a.m. when I hit the joint, looking for Ibuprofen to calm my headache caused by hotel central heating (my story and I'm sticking to it, despite the bar bills) and I guess they were really busy or something because all the tills were closed as the two women who were there that night stood and talked for a while behind the counter. So I opened my diet pepsi and the advil packet and proceeded to nuke said headache whilst they looked on. They chatted on and it was only after an extremely old-fashioned look from me that I got to pay for what I'd just about consumed at that point. Strawberries in Merrimack told me the new Genesis CD was out on 19th November, but there it was the next day at Lechemere on sale already. Clairvoyant sale? So what, I hear you ask, there's stupid shops and stupid shop assistants in the UK too. True. Just to prove it, C&A (a local department store) just stopped taking American Express cards but forgot to tell all their staff, so I received a phone call from an embarassed employee who had looked up my name&number in the phone book asking me to return and use a different method of payment for my kids trousers. Hmm. Enough rambling andy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| AT LAST, THE END OF CHRISTMAS |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| From: DECPA::"Phill.Kelley@aarcbr.miden.com.au" 24-DEC-1991 20:32:34.09 To: closet::t_parmenter CC: Subj: Desperado contribution G'Day Tom! Here's a little something from my local paper that I thought might be enjoyed by Desperado fans around the world. No need to hold it until next Christmas - send it out anytime. Keep up the good work! Regards, Phill ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////\ Based upon an article by Michele Phillips in "The Canberra Times" Dec 17th 1991. Canberra is the Washington-DC of Australia and is about 3 hrs drive south-west of Sydney. A SURE RECIPE TO OVERCOME CHRISTMAS PANIC ATTACKS There's a Christmas ad on television at the moment and, to be honest, I can't remember the product it's advertising because the characters are so fascinating they tend to take your mind off the message. But it involves a huge Christmas tree, professionally decorated by an interior designer (just like in Real Life), and a family that looks like it's about to attend a reception at the White House. Father hasn't crawled out of bed and pulled on a pair of Stubbies with a hole in the crutch (later to be pointed out by a visiting niece with her new Garfield ruler). No, he's wearing a suit, tie and a smug expression because, even though mother's been up since 4am, she's still smiling. The two perfect children and not running around seeing who's best at spitting peanuts through the revolving blades of the ceiling fan. They're opening their presents very sedately and you can see from the way they're dressed that they're the sort of children who won't whinge if they get undergarments and book vouchers. At first this advertisement made me laugh hysterically but then I started to think: what if Christmases like this *really* happen and our house is the only one in the entire world that resembles bedlam, complete with staring-eyed adult inmates? Maybe it's completely abnormal to have panic attacks in Target and to hate making Christmas cakes because nobody eats them anyway. And I got very worried and depressed so I phoned my support group (Terry who lives up the road) and she came down with a cask of chardonnay and a photocopy of a recipe for curing Christmas. And it's so good, this recipe, that I'd like to share it with all those closet Christmas-haters that Terry assures me exist. You need to make it on Christmas Eve and you'll need water, butter, sugar, eggs, dried fruit, baking soda, salt, brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a bottle of whisky. * * * First, sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add one spoontea of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer, break two eggs into the bowl and chick in a cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky again to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one tbsp of drown sugar or whatever color you can find. Wix mell, grease the oven and turn the cake pan to 180 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed. With any luck, you won't wake up until Boxing Day and by then the worst will be over. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| WILL PHANTOM BOMBS BE AMERICA'S DETERRENT? |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Albuquerque - America's nuclear arsenal of the future could consist mainly of "virtual bombs" that exist only as digital data in computers. Factories will stand by, ready to turn these designs into real bombs made from plutonium and metal in case of a national emergency. Officials at nuclear weapons laboratories in the US call the plan "Long Shadow". Richard Wagner, a former scientist from Lawrence Livermore National Laboratoriesin California, began promoting the idea while he was working at the Pentagon several years ago. He says that future adversaries will be deterred by the US's potential nuclear arsenal, rather than by actual nuclear weapons held on alert. "You might think of a nuclear factory as casting a long shadow into the future," says Wagner. The nuclear laboratories initially opposed the idea, he says. But after President Bush announced drastic reductions in the nuclear arsenal in September, the laboratories have "grasped it as a straw to float with". The laboratories are now promoting the idea because it will save money, yet allow them to continue their work. Under Long Shadow, they would continue to design successive generations of nuclear weapons, but most of the bombs would never be built and few would require testing. The machine tools required to manufacture them would stand ready for use in huge factories that would normally turn out only a few weapons each year. As part of this plan, scientists at the laboratories will no longer design bombs that are "the biggest and the neatest" yet nearly impossible to build, says Harry Saxton, director of manufacturing engineering at Sandia National Laboratories in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Wagner agrees: bombs of the future will be easy to build, reliable, and extremely safe. This means that in order to produce the same amount of destructive blast as today's bombs, the weapons will have to use more fissionalble material and wiwll be two to three times as heavey. Saxton says that the laboratories need to continue to develop new designs for nuclear weapons to incorporate new technology. As an example, Sandia is currently developing a fusing and firing mechanism for nuclear bombs that is based on pulses of light through optical fibres rather than electronics. According to Paul Robinson, Sandia's vice-president for laboratory development, this mechanism will be safer, because it eliminates the need to shield it from stray electrical current. Long Shadow should reduce the need to carry out nuclear tests, which are very expensive, says Saxton. According to Wagner, nuclear bombs could be desinged to be reliable for at least 50 years without further testing. Currently, many tests are carried out simply to make sure that bombs in the stockpile still work as designed. -- New Scientist, 7 December 1991 =*= From: MAST::REISERT "Jim -- MLO3-6/B9" To: Desperado,blort::flamingo,dave,doug,ruth,rumor::falek Subj: Computer virus use cited in Gulf War Virus - Computer virus use cited in Gulf War {The Boston Globe, 12-Jan-92, p. 12} Several weeks before the start of the Gulf War, US intelligence agents inserted a computer virus into a network of Iraqi computers tied to that country's air defense system, a news magazine reports. US News and World Report said the virus was designed by the supersecret National Security Agency at Fort Meade, Md., and was intended to disable a mainframe computer. The report, citing two unidentified senior US officials, said the virus appeared to have worked, but it gave no details. It said the operation may have been irrelevant, though, since the allies' overwhelming air superiority would have ensured the same results of rendering the air defense radars and missiles ineffective. The secret operation began when American intelligence agents identified a French-made computer printer that was to be smuggled from Amman, Jordan, to a military facility in Baghdad. The agents in Amman replaced a computer chip in the printer with another microchip that contained the virus in its electronic circuits. By attacking the Iraqi computer through the printer, the virus was able to avoid detection by normal electronic security procedures, the report said. "Once the virus was in the system, the US officials explained, each time an Iraqi technician opened a 'window' on his computer screen to access information, the contents of the screen simply vanished," US News reported. The report is part of a book, based on 12 months of research by US News reporters, called "Triumph without Victory: The Unreported History of the Persian Gulf War," to be published next month. <><><><><><><><> T h e V O G O N N e w s S e r v i c e <><><><><><><><> Edition : 2491 Monday 13-Jan-1992 Circulation : 8084 =*= From: DECWRL::"guy@odi.com" To: closet::t_parmenter, jo@odi.com, ruth@ksr.com Subj: along the lines of "lights on but nobody home" I heard this while spending Christmas in the Deep South: "He couldn't find his butt with two hands and a hound dog" uttered by James S. Stuart, one of my old highschool buddies. -- Guy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| TWO SLIGHTLY DIFFERING VIEWS ON SEEING IN STEREO |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| From: 3D::HAINSWORTH "Chia Club for Men" To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER CC: HAINSWORTH Subj: Stereo pair Hi Tom, I can't just look at these things and make them come into focus, but here's what I do: - Shut your left eye - Hold up your index finger about 1/2 way from your eye to the screen. - Position your finger so that the tip appears to be below the feet of the left juggler. - Now open your right eye and focus on the screen. You should see two images of your finger. - Move your finger so that the other image of it appears directly below the right juggler, while keeping the first image directly below the left juggler. - When both images of your finger are centered under their respective jugglers, focus your eyes on your finger. - Now look above your finger, where the two jugglers should be nearly merged. It should be much easier to make them merge now. This process works very well on regular tile patterns, too. If you don't feel the walls closing in on you in public bathrooms, now you know how to make them do so! -John (who never quite grew up) ***** Duane Starcher * o o Memorial University S o o St. John's, Newfoundland T o o Canada E _ _o _ _ o R o 0 / o 0 / (duane@morgan.ucs.mun.ca) E _/@ _/ @ O | | * _/ \_ _/ \_ =*= From: DECWRL::"buff@pravda.cc.gatech.edu" "Richard Billington" To: closet::t_parmenter Subj: Seeing the jugglers ... TECHNIQUE: Fix your eyes on a point behind and between the two jugglers. Notice that there are now more than two jugglers (four, actually). Move your head towards the screen until the a set of these "unfocused" jugglers merge into one. You'll see a 3-d juggler in the middle and the "flat" images in the periphery (one on each side). Some people have enough control on the depth they are focusing their eyes at that they can simply change the focal length and get this overlapping effect. For the beginner, "pick" a focal length where the jugglers stablize and then move your head until they merge. (If you don't understand the first sentence in these instructions, put your finger in front of your face and stare at it. One finger. Now look at a point in the distance, but notice that there are now "two" fingers in your vision.) Yea, I like it. Duane Starcher * o o Memorial University S o o St. John's, Newfoundland T o o Canada E _ _o _ _ o R o 0 / o 0 / (duane@morgan.ucs.mun.ca) E _/@ _/ @ O | | * _/ \_ _/ \_ |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| I like it too, but I'm still working on making it *do* it. I can get tantalizingly close and then my mundane brain says no it's just two pictures, stop trying to fool me, and snaps away. While we're at it, the the master of the technical side of creating of 3D comic books glories in the name of Ray Zone. Almost as good as the name God gave great fly fisherman Art Flick. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| From: CERN::JRS "John SHADE 'Attila the Nun' To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER Subj: Contribution (?) to DESPERADO Tom, Thanks for having added me to your distribution list. I presume that you're more interested in items of current interest, but here's an extract from a British newspaper (I forget exactly which one and the exact date) which, although old, is authentic. -John ========= The Government of Uganda recently asked the World Bank to find someone to work in an undefined capacity for President Amin. The bank found a suitable recruit, an Englishman, and cabled him an offer, adding: "You have a prepaid cablegram of twenty-four letters in which to reply." In precisely twenty-four letters his reply was: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA". =*= From: VAXUUM::CALIPH::binder "Magister dixit" 16-DEC-1991 14:49:51.99 To: vaxuum::parmenter CC: Subj: Re: Desperado #3056: You Do Something Stupid > Did I read somewhere that we don't have to use those dopey state > abbreviations anymore, MA, CA, MI, AK, CO? That it's okay to > return to Mass, Cal (or the magisterial Calif), Mo, Ark and Colo? Dopey state abbreviations is right. AK isn't Ark, AR is; AK is Alaska. And MI isn't Mo, either, it's Mich. fergoshsake! And you a former journalista, fershame. -dick |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Perhaps that's the point. I wrote a bunch of checks this month with nine-digit ZIPs and in every single case the number of the P.O. Box was the same as the extra four ZIP digits. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| From: DECWRL::"TINN@cgi.com" "Ryan D. Tinn" To: closet::t_parmenter Subj: The best quote I've heard about politics in a long time "Cynicism, apathy and disgust is a perfectly rational response to American politics." - Molly Ivins Texas Political Correspondent =*= From: DECWRL::"dlw@odi.com" To: closet::t_parmenter Subj: Desperado #3056: You Do Something Stupid Everything which is created by intelligence alone is false. Who said that one, Robert Gates? =*= From: LANDO::HAFNER "If the opposite of CON is PRO, what's the opposite of PROGRESS???" To: @HUMOR,BRIAN,DRIFT::WOOD,STONE,ELLEN,CLOSET::T_PARMENTER Subj: Interesting stuff... Subject: I brought this stuff back from Ireland, and it's great!!! Subj: For all you sophisticated brew consumers... THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENT I had the good fortune to be invited to attend a very special beer happening (am I dating myself with that term?) recently by Tom Dahldorf of the California Celebrator. The event was Guinness' unveiling of their new product, Pub Draught Guinness. Now, I can hear the lot of you saying to yourselves "Yeah, yeah, another 'draft beer in a can', big deal". But this one is different. For the most part this product actually does what it is supposed to do! Anyone who has had Guinness Stout on draught and from a bottle knows there is a vast difference between the two brews. The brewery makes no secret of the fact that the recipes are different not only between the kegged version and the bottled, but also between different bottled markets. Now the folks at Guinness have developed a system which dispenses their stout from a can in such a way as to rival a pub tap. They have been working on this for some 20 years and the final method was preceded by over 100 failed attempts. The problem has always been the fact that draught Guinness is (or should be) dispensed with a mixture of Nitrogen and CO2 gasses rather than the conventional CO2 alone. The nitrogen is used because it makes very fine bubbles while it is not absorbed into the brew as the CO2 is, thus it does not "over-carbonate" the beer. Also a special faucet is preferred which, in combination with the gasses, creates that wonderful creamy brown head which lasts to the bottom of the glass. The new can combines the original kegged stout recipe with technology which creates the draught effect to a tee. Dr. Alan Forage, creator of the technology, was on hand to explain the mechanics of the new can. This is the way the system works: The 16.9 ounce can (containing 14.9 ounces of beer) is fitted with a small plastic device (Guinness calls it a "smoothifier") which sits in the bottom of the can. This device has a pocket or cavity which is open to the atmosphere via a pin hole in its top. The can is evacuated of oxygen and filled with beer. Prior to sealing the can, a dose of liquid nitrogen is added to the beer. The can is closed and as the liquid nitrogen warms a pressure is created. The pressure forces about 1% of the beer and nitrogen into the plastic cavity. When the can is opened, the pressure is released and the small amount of beer in the cavity is forced back through the pinhole quite violently. The agitation created by this "geyser" mixes the nitrogen with the beer in such a way as to reproduce the tap handle character. Open up the first empty can you have in order to see what the "smoothifier" looks like. Prior to serving, the beer must be chilled. Guinness suggests a two hour stint in a refrigerator, with a target serving temperature of 45-50 degrees (if opened while warm, the beer gushes with excess force). This is the one area where flavor will be variable since most American refrigerators hold their temperatures closer to 35-40 degrees. We all know the colder the beer the less the flavors are perceptible. Education will be the key here. The entire contents should be emptied into a 16 ounce glass. The head which forms is exactly like that of the draught version. And yes, it does last to the bottom of the glass. How does it taste? In my opinion, this is virtually the same as what you get at a well maintained pub. The texture is right on. The flavor is wonderful. I suspect there may be some slight differences as a result of the volume of the package (14.9 ounces vs. 15.5 gallons) but I didn't notice any. According to Declan Maguire, group marketing director of Guinness Import Company here in the U.S., extensive taste comparisons were made throughout Ireland and England during the development of the product. This includes side-by-side blind tastings with the original version. The cans come in packages of 4. The suggested price is $5.99. The stout is 4% alcohol by volume. Guinness is releasing the new product in the San Francisco, Chicago, and Baltimore/Washington D.C. areas to begin with. Locally, Safeway stores are carrying it at $3.00/2 cans. The cans can be recycled just like other aluminum ones. I suspect the insert is made from the same plastic which is used to coat the inside of the can and will burn off during the recycling process. Congratulations to Guinness on the success of this new package. =*= Attributed to Tom Peters: "Someone in our research establlishment once said that 'a distributed system is one where a system you've never heard of and are not using can cause you to fail.'" =*= From: TLE::STERN "Grub first, then ethics." To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER CC: Subj: Another stupidity analogy Akin to two bricks shy of a load (or hod): Today's Globe (14 Nov 91) has a story about a bigamist who murdered one of his wives. It's a bizarre story in its own write (sorry). One of the people who knows the guy remarked that he's always been TWO SANDWICHES SHORT OF A PICNIC. /Geoff =*= From: STAR::DIPIRRO "I'd rather be pounding nails into my head" To: CLOSET::T_PARMENTER Subj: It has finally come down to this... >From the opening of a speech by Garry Trudeau, the cartoonist, at Yale University's Class Day last May-- "Dean Kagan, distinguished faculty, parents, friends, graduating seniors, Secret Service agents, class agents, people of class, people of color, colorful people, people of height, the vertically constrained, people of hair, the differently coiffed, the optically challenged, the temporarily sighted, the insightful, the out of sight, the out-of-towners, the Eurocentrics, the Afrocentrics, the Afrocentrics with Eurailpasses, the eccentrically inclined, the sexually disinclined, people of sex, sexy people, sexist pigs, animal companions, friends of the earth, friends of the boss, the temporarily employed, the differently employed, the differently optioned, people with options, people with stock options, the divestiturists, the deconstructionists, the home constructionists, the homeboys, the homeless, the temporarily housed at home, and, God save us, the permanently housed at home:" =*= From: Lang_Zerner@go.com To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu Subject: Yo, conspiracy theorists! Check this out... More high wierdness... If you enjoy conspiracy theories, check out the Spotlight. Their circular arrived in my P.O. box yesterday, and I'm probably going to get a two-year subscription ($66 for 104 weekly issues). With my subscription, they're going to send me eight Spotlight special reports free. Reports 5, 6, 7, and 8 are particularly interesting: REPORT #1: How to Maximize Your Estate-Planning Options with a Durable Power of Attorney. REPORT #2: Greedy Drug Companies Profit by Limiting Your Rights to Inexpensive Health Care. REPORT #3: How to Probate-Proof Your Estate with a Revocable Living Trust. REPORT #4: How to Use the Taxpayers' Bill of Rights. REPORT #5: Drugs, Banks, and Money-Laundering: the Sordid Side of the Story that the News Media Isn't Telling You. "In this new report, you'll read the amazing eyewitness testimony of Lt. Col. James (Bo) Gritz, America's most highly decorated Vietnam War veteran, [who] has revealed that a handful of top-ranking U.S. diplomats and intelligence officials are heavily involved in the heroin trafficking trade in Southeast Asia." REPORT #6: The Secret Plan to Uproot the U.S. Constitution. "At least one high-ranking government official, Attorney General Richard Thornburgh, is a member in good standing of a secretive group of intellectuals and politicians who advocate scrapping the U.S. Constitution." REPORT #7: How You'll be Affected by a One-World Government. "The Establishment press hasn't told you that the newly-emerging European Superstate is just the prelude to a long-planned `One-World Government'--a centralized government to which the United States and all the world's countries would eventually become subservient!" REPORT #8: A Group of Billionaires Meet Annually to Plan Your Future. "The Bilderbergers are a secret group of powerful financiers, wealthy corporate luminaries, handpicked politicos--and newscasters and journalists--from around the world who meet quietly in some out-of-the-way luxury hotel to plan the economic and political policies of the so-called `free' world. ...solid, documented proof of these meetings, and who attends them." The flier also boasts that the Spotlight was the first to report "how computerized voting machines are being manipulated to fix elections around the country," first to reveal in early 1989 the existence of the plan to invade Panama to get Noriega out, first to reveal "the truth about the burgeoning BCCI banking and drug money laundering scandal." They also report that U.S., Canadian, and British military organizations have dumped "hundreds of thousands of tons of deadly chemical weapons (including nerve gas) just off U.S. and European coasts, and the deadly chemicals are already beginning to bubble to the surface near the coast of Washington state." However, the paper isn't completely out on the fringe (as is, for example, Fortean Times). They've won two journalism awards this year from Project Censored, a journalists' advocacy project at Sonoma State University. What's more (this should send you running to get a subscription), while a senator, Vice President J. Danforth Quayle had this to say about the Spotlight: "I liked the stories on the NRA. I thought they were pretty good." The Spotlight, 300 Independence Ave. SE, Washington, DC 20003. Weekly. Two years (104 issues), $66; all eight special reports included. One year (53 issues), $36; choose two reports. 30-issue trial, $22.50; choose one report. Be seeing you... --The Rt. Rev. K'houtek Hypen-Dache |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| DEPARTMENT OF IRRESPONSIBLE EXPLOSIONS |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| From: grege@gold.gvg.tek.com (Gregory Ebert) Newsgroups: rec.pyrotechnics Subject: Re: RE: Lightshow a la Microwave Organization: Grass Valley Group, Grass Valley, CA Lines: 100 The Effect of 2.45Ghz Electromagnetic Energy on Various Illumination Devices. Technical Report # 4Q2-69-PYRO Dated 30 May 1991 By Gregory J. Ebert, Sr. Pyro-destructor (ret) Abstract: The effects of 2.45 Mhz E-M energy on various light producing devices has been investigated and is presented here. The investigation was initiated at approximately 20:22 PDT on 29 May 1991 at the request of a fellow netlander. Specimen number one is a conventional incandescent bulb manufactured by General Electric and rated at 75 Watts at 120 volts RMS. Said item was placed into a household microwave oven rated at 660 watts. Upon energizing, there was approximately 0.75 to 1.0 seconds during which no observable effect was noted. The investigation comittee concluded that this period of time was the result of equipment warm-up. The observable effects produced energy in the luminous, audible, and thermal regions. Considerable pulsating light primarily located in the violet section of the visible light spectrum was observed. After 10 seconds of exposure, said specimen was removed from test chamber and was observed to be quite hot. Specimen number two is a handful of NE-2 type neon lamps with connecting wires of variuos lengths and shapes. Said specimens were placed on an expenable dinner plate and placed into the test chamber and exposed. All lamps produced orangish-pink light at intensity levels approximately 20-30 times higher than when used in-circuit per manufacturers specified lamp current. Also observaed were sporadic electrical discharges between device interconnect wires and audible popping. The wife of the pricipal investigator was in the adjacent room monitoring television broadcasts and concluded that popcorn was being produced. A unanimous vote by the investigation committee deferred further experimentation until said experiments could be conducted discreetly. Adjournment. Principal investigator's wife was absent on the morning of 30 May 1991; committee voted unanimously to reconvene and finish experiments. Experimentation continued with specimen number two. Four devices were selected at random, and placed upon an non-expendable dish and inserted into test chamber. Exposure produced intense orange-pink light (as expected), but electrical discharge activity was notable reduced. After approximately 30 seconds of total integrated exposure, on of the four specimens ceased to produce luminous energy. Said specimen was examined thoroughly and was found to have a hole through its enclosure. It was postulated that arcing melted the glass, whereupon the neon gas escaped. Adjacent to the hole was noticeable black scarring of the non-expendable dish. Said dish was rinsed then placed on the bottom of the stack with the belief prinicpal investigator's wife would be least likely to notice the damaged dish. The remaining three functional units were subsequently immersed in a glass of water and exposed to 2.45 Ghz e-m energy. Orange-pink light was produced at previous intensity level, but no discharges were observed. After 15 seconds of exposure, bubbling was observed, followed by vigorous boiling of the water. Specimen number three was a group of red light-emitting diodes (LEDs). After several seconds of exposure, no effects were seen. Device leads were bent to form dipole antennae, and then exposed. Only one subject produced a very short red flash. Several subjects were cascaded to produce a dipole antenna which had peak absorbtion nearer to the 2.45Ghz excitation. Upon exposure, 2 subjects produced brilliant red flashes, then exploded. Experimentation was stopped. Specimen #1 was placed inside a blast shield fabricated from a a container constructed of polymerized hydrocarbons to hold a product of bovine lactation. Subject was exposed for approximately 20 seconds and in addition to violet light, also produced greenish and occaisionally white visible light. Thermal activity reduced effectivity of blast shield, hence experimentation was paused. Specimen was placed into a lamp socket and energized with 120 volts AC at 60 Hz (sinusoidal), and ceased producing light after 0.5 seconds. Subject was then re-exposed to 2.45Ghz e-m radiation and continued to produce violet visible-light emissions. Due to logistical intricacies, the effects of 2.45Ghz e-m excitation on a 48" long fluorescent tube could not be investigated inside the approximately 1 cubic-foot test chamber. The committee offers its apologies to the reader. Conclusion: It was bitchin', man ! |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| I'M REALLY SQUIRTING NOW! |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| I'll explain that headline next issue. But this new production system is peachy and also keen. Computers: great slaves, lousy masters. Here's a few more of those unattributed quotes to round it out. It's a double pleasure to deceive the deceiver. If a wise man contends with a foolish man, whether he rage or laugh, there is no rest. The ideal is but the truth at a distance. Every tub on its own bottom, but everybody takes a turn in the barrel. Yr. bdy, Tom Parmenter xxx %%% overflow headers %%% Apparently-To: romkey@asylum.sf.ca.us, donw%cognos.uucp@cunews.carleton.ca, rowe@ll.mit.edu, doughty@ileaf.com, bill@bostech.com, barry_goldstein@crd.lotus.com, goldy@capitol.ucar.edu, nelson@cheetah.ece.clarkson.edu, jclosson@bbn.com, rsalz@bbn.com, malis@bbn.com, kgk@rasna.com, kurt_kremer@mentorg.com, jrb@idx.com, reti@riverside.scrc.symbolics.com, gate-desperado@dmc.com, patman@lotus.com, mike@SLC.SLAC.Stanford.EDU, neilb@dcs.leeds.ac.uk, booker@alexia.lis.uiuc.edu, chuckdp@hpulpcu3.cup.hp.com, desperado@ontologic.com, desperado-local@think.com, simon_bate@go.com, roger@dcs.leeds.ac.uk, lang_zerner@go.com, ezf@osf.org, crimson@wpi.wpi.edu, erich@eye.com, ph@duticg.tudelft.nl, cgay@phloem.uoregon.edu, sgk8887@venus.tamu.edu, rad@think.com, amirault@csd4.csd.uwm.edu, coopers!mark@think.com, koolish@bbn.com, drewry@cayenne.com, sueann@wri.com, kent@parc.xerox.com, dfranklin@bbn.com, simons@think.com, bhoward@citi.umich.edu, hman@violet.berkeley.edu, vanmeule@cup.portal.com, ajones@ccr2.bbn.com, 70673.515@compuserve.com, chf@lcs.mit.edu, kimberly_michael@other.wri.com, nrt@watson.ibm.com, mwk!kleinberger@menudo.uh.edu, adam@paix.sw.stratus.com, autodesk!desk!mlb@fernwood.mpk.ca.us, neil@progress.com, seb3@gte.com, s3536685@tethys.ucc.umass.edu, maxwebb@cse.ogi.edu, slt@mace.cc.purdue.edu, annd@wri.com, cmaeda@cs.cmu.edu, 0003678587@mcimail.com, fritzson@prc.unisys.com, buff@cc.gatech.edu, bywater!scifi!njs@uunet.uu.net, mspencer@quasar.sba.dal.ca, spaf@cs.purdue.edu, desperado@list.prime.com, sao@athena.mit.edu, mwilensky@hbs.hbs.harvard.edu, lparks@rnd.stern.nyu.edu, bostech!watters@ai.mit.edu, mcohen@nmr-r.mgh.harvard.edu, enoent@reed.bitnet, ssi!plj@uunet.uu.net, pb1p+@andrew.cmu.edu, wonko@end.tufts.edu, munoz@oberon.com, akucer@bowdoin.edu, dab@bat.gsfc.nasa.gov, jbilotti@ulowell.ulowell.edu, ers@psyche.mit.edu, cks@hawkwind.utcs.toronto.edu, karen.l.sluzenski@mac.dartmouth.edu, ocms@vax.oxford.ac.uk, ddgarcia@sprite.berkeley.edu, jan@csl.rdc.toshiba.co.jp, bailey%cy@otto.ycc.yale.edu, ward@intellicorp.com, moon@cambridge.apple.com, janet@bostech.com, hhersh@east.sun.com, lisa@cmi.com, mcclure@craycos.com, jbarker@jade.tufts.edu, skaye@dawn.hampshire.edu, eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com, catherin@psych.toronto.edu, ghsvax!oasys!jeanne@uunet.uu.net, psawyer@east.sun.com, visual!rwh@uunet.uu.net, spicer@tci.bell-atl.com, charla@east.sun.com, wilkon@flood.ml.csiro.au, gtillotson@hbs.hbs.harvard.edu, tanner@ki4pv.compu.com, dgil@pa.reuter.com, gkn@sds.sdsc.edu, tycast@bcrvmpc1.iinus1.ibm.com, markr@hpwapr.wal.hp.com, billms@dip.eecs.umich.edu, jr@bostech.com, majk@lotatg.lotus.com, mattk@eddie.mit.edu, cook@unixland.natick.ma.us, decvax!motbos!mcdbos!remanco!chuck, capek@yktvmt.bitnet, desperado-lovers@ksr.com, chucko@charon.arc.nasa.gov, david@bgunve.bitnet, ebm@ibm.com, bywater!scifi!nrtpc!nrt@uunet.uu.net, apache!fgk@uu.psi.com, jleah@athena.mit.edu, fitz@wang.com, dubin@ilog.fr, joseph@laputa.com, rsl@MAX-FLEISCHER.SF.DIALNET.ILA.com, rubin@media-lab.media.mit.edu, tk@life.ai.mit.edu, mis@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU, cally@lucid.com, incoming-desperado@cisco.com, abeals@autodesk.com %%% end overflow headers %%% X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845 Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649 Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766 realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043 Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102 Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality, insane speculation, and wild rumours. 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